Chapter 9:Insanity

The Deep Roads had been hard. The first part seemed like a dream, the second a nightmare. The Dwarves that had once called this place home had been mutated into the profane as they called themselves; rock wraiths filled only with hunger and hatred. She would have allowed the Hunger demon to continue feasting on them if it meant a peaceful walk for her companions, but Fenris was so adamant against consorting with demons. She didn't want to consort with the demon, but it seemed the only option to keep their skin after so many days of wandering. He didn't see her side, he never did. He cut through the demon, setting the profane on them once more. There was no peaceful end with demons she knew, he was right that everything magic touched it ruined… this whole place was ruined by magic and demons. Fenris' attack triggered more than a horde of profane, it triggered a rock wraith larger than a high dragon. Varric had warned them that the Dwarves guarded their treasure, but she hardly figured a mountain that moved would attack them.

The battle had been long and hard, she felt close to collapsing as the final blows were struck. Her blade cut through it's hard to leave it to fall to rubble. Her life was getting out of hand. An Ogre, a dragon, and a rock wraith… who else could say they had slaughtered such foes? Varric was right though. It was a guardian of treasure, more than the idol that Bartrand had taken from them. That was at least the brighter side. The darker side was it took them two weeks more to reach the surface than they would have if Bartrand hadn't of slammed the door on them, and wait awaited her she would have traded for the world.

The Templars had gotten wind of Bethany, without Hawke around they were less wary of grabbing her and shoving her into that prison they called The Circle. Her mother had informed her of this as Hawke lay on her bed. Her mother blamed her as Hawke blamed herself. She had always looked out for Bethany, perhaps it would have been a wiser decision to take Bethany down to the Deep Roads, to keep Bethany at her side but even that seemed wrong. She let her mother prattle as she looked at the ceiling. The treasure in the Deep Roads would allow them to take back the Amell estate. That would satisfy her mother, and Bethany was still close to them it wasn't like they had killed her but to her mother it was like Hawke had taken Carver away all over again. She was always at fault, but she couldn't have looked over her siblings all the time, she was a Hawke but not that type of hawk…

She had been avoiding the others, shutting herself in. They had tried to come see her, all except Fenris. He was probably still fuming over the Hunger demon. She truly understood his hatred, but sometimes it felt like she was lumped in with them for sometimes being a sympathizer to mages. His words said one thing, but the way that he regarded her made her feel another way. He bordered on hating her and lusting her, he was conflicted over her just as she was of him. She still remembered the way he held her after she had hurt her ankle… and the way he shouted her name as she rushed into danger… the way he had almost sacrificed himself to save her from the dragon.

Aveline had finally caught her as she was moving her things into the new estate. Bodhan had decided to repay her by becoming her manservant though she had turned him down profusely. He was adamant, he said that every lady needed one, and she had caved in. It wasn't the worst thing to have more people in this huge house after all, and Sandal did amuse her. Aveline had placed the letter in the box Hawke was carrying as she strolled up next to Hawke.

"I don't truly wish to work…" Hawke's protest came as soon as she saw Aveline move to place something in the box.

"What are you going to do stay inside the rest of your life? Bethany wouldn't want you to sulk about for her sake. She's doing fine in the circle anyways, they say she is an exemplary mage… and anyways this is from the Viscount, you can't ignore him like you have been us."

"I could if I wished to."

"You are too stubborn, Hawke." Aveline looked around the estate as Hawke set the box down. Hawke didn't truly have much that wasn't purchased after obtaining the estate, these were the last few things from her uncle's home. "If you decide to change your mind he will see you as soon as you can make time… I don't know what he wants but it must be urgent if he's begging me to bring you this letter."

Aveline took her leave then, and Hawke sighed. Aveline was right, but she really didn't want to play politics. She just wanted to settle down and remove herself from all this strife; she wanted to make a life here for herself, not to continue to be a mercenary for hire. It seemed everyone knew her price now though.

Her mother had insisted that she dress up to see the Viscount that her armor wasn't appropriate for the Viscount, but she held her ground. She was just a mercenary to these nobles, a lower stationed commoner who was there to work for them so she would go in her armor and with her blades. Her mother made arrangements for her to get fitted for some finer clothes though, now that she was Lade Hawke she had duties to attend to in hightown with other nobles, she needed to be seen with them and to mingle. Hawke didn't truly wish to do that, but she agreed to the dresses as a measure to pacify her mother. She had even let her tie her father's armband around her right arm to show her house pride. The red stood out starkly against her black ensemble but it seemed right.

She set out as soon as the sun came up to pay the Viscount his visit. She had let him wait another day; she was not going to be his lap dog. She was no one's pet and she wouldn't let these nobles think otherwise.

He saw her walking across the courtyard to the Viscount's keep from his window, and he swore that she looked right at him for a second. He wondered why she was going there to all places, maybe to see Aveline to pick up a job but he was unsure of that. He was unsure of her as a whole. He hadn't seen her in what felt like a month, and it left so much to be desired. She had said something in Elven that pervaded every thought of his. If she truly loved him, why would she have willingly allowed that demon to live or so foolishly rushed to her death to fight the dragon? He had at least killed the demon, and she hadn't stopped him but it still bothered him so he had stayed away from her, brooding and drinking with the dwarf and the pirate. Isabella kept harassing him, making dirty comments and touching her when the dwarf looked away. It disgusted him how she threw herself at any man that walked by. She may have been attractive but she wasn't anything that he wanted not when women like Hawke stood before him. Perhaps he should visit her, but he felt it was her obligation to see him… especially after that mess in the Deep Roads with Anders. He didn't even understand why she was so upset over her sister going to the Circle. That's where mages belonged. Varric had tried to explain it but it seemed so foreign to him. He wasn't wired the way Hawke was, and he didn't know if he wanted to be that way. No, he hated the way she was. He hated how sincere and caring she was. He hated how cunning and resourceful she was. He knew deep down that she was just a naïve fool that was selfish. She only wanted her sister by her side; she didn't understand how dangerous even Bethany was. All mages were that way.

He hated most of all how he could hear her voice inside his head. He hated how he could formulate her retort to him, and he hated the way he could see her sad smile as she tried to explain how she felt about mages. She would relate it to slavery, but it wasn't the same. He was sure of that. He had been a slave all his life, he knew what that was like. No one deserved that, these dangerous abominations did though. He bristled, he was arguing with an imaginary Hawke in his mind, that was what she did to him… She made him insane…