Part Two - Disunity
10 - The Right Choice
warning : mentions of suicidal thoughts in this chapter. Look after yourselves :)
Alice was sat in that same floral armchair with a glass of lemonade when she heard the sound of hooves pounding the ground. Outside the window, she just caught a glimpse of two women on a horse before they went out of sight. Moments later, Rick and Lori came into the room clutching each other. Rick's arm, a weak support around Lori's side. They paid no heed to Alice as they passed, deep lines understandably creased into their foreheads, and Alice left the room with a lowered gaze.
Outside, the sky was slowly succumbing to nighttime. The tide of darkness was shoving the sunlight down the horizon and leaving a purplish blue in its wake.
"It's nearly dark." Maggie joined Alice on the porch, both women staring at the road leading off the farm with furrowed brows, "D'you think it should take this long?"
"If it's still overrun, I guess so." Alice shifted to face Maggie, "Some people reckon' that the walkers are more active at night. I reckon' they were in Atlanta because of all the car alarms and fires, but I don't know if that's true regardless. What do you think?"
"I haven't seen all that many together at once. Even town is pretty empty," Maggie asked, "Have you killed many of them?"
"Less than twenty? I stopped counting," Alice said, dismissing the way Maggie's lips turned down and her eyes widened, "I could have put down more if I'd had the courage. You killed many?"
"No," Maggie looked off into the distance, "We haven't killed none."
"Oh," Alice looked down at her boots, "You're lucky. I don't think I can get the picture of someone being torn apart from my mind, not ever."
"What about killin' them, don't you feel bad?"
"Why would I feel bad?" the survivor tilted her head, studying Maggie, "They aren't alive; I've seen a walker's head keep on moving after it's been beheaded." Alice followed the farmgirl's gaze to a barn that sat on the edge of vision in the evening light, "Every one that someone puts down is one less to kill a living person. I'll never regret that."
"I thought they were just sick,"
"If you get up close with one - which I never hope you have to do - then I figure you'll change your mind pretty quickly." She rubbed at her arms, feeling the ghost of a walker's grip. It'd happened, the first one she'd killed, in the Walmart near her house. She'd been just as naive as everyone else and she'd run there for supplies. Alice could still hear the crunches and squelches as she brought the metal lunchbox down on its head, over and over.
"You should not have taken blood from Rick." Alice scowled at the doctor - Vet, she'd since learnt, "I can give blood. He needs to be awake, for his child. You should have called me in."
"I can't take the amount that the boy is going to need from just one of you; it's too dangerous. It's extremely likely you'd go into shock and your body would shut down." Hershel was stern as he spoke, "I will take as much as I can from you if you wish. Rick's given quite a bit,"
Lori touched Alice's shoulder, and she turned to speak to the woman, "I don't know how I can ever repay you for what you're doing, giving blood for my son."
Alice sank into a crouch before dropping to sit on the floor, legs crossed before her and her back resting against the wall, "Don't thank me. I wish there was more I could do."
"We're all doin' all we can." Lori said, crouching beside Alice with a hand on her thigh, "Thank you."
Alice felt dizzy as she walked into the kitchen, spurred on by news of Glenn and T-Dog arriving. She'd given blood twice now, since Carl's pressure had dropped again, and had been instructed to get some food from Maggie and Patricia while she was in there.
"You got here right in time; this couldn't go untreated much longer." Alice heard Patricia saying, and she winced as she saw Maggie holding down T-Dog's arm as Patricia stitched.
"Thank God for you, Patricia. I don't think I could stitch anyone else or myself, not ever." Alice said, announcing her presence.
"I thought you were staying at the church?" Glenn asked, "Maggie said you were here, but we weren't sure how,"
"I heard the gunshot, went running off in the general direction. I was lucky enough to find the farm." Alice said, and took a seat at the table, "You found antibiotics?"
"Merle Dixon's," Glenn said.
"Merle Dixon. That your friend who gave you the antibiotics?" Patricia kept on stitching his arm, unresponsive to T-Dog's contorted face.
"No, ma'am. Merle's no longer with us. Daryl gave us those. His brother." Glenn explained.
T-Dog grumbled in response, "Not sure I'd call him a friend."
"He is today. This doxycycline might have just saved your life." Patricia said, and Alice wondered why Merle had antibiotics when they didn't give you any sort of high, "You know what Merle was taking it for?"
"The Clap." Glenn bluntly announced and Alice snorted, covering her mouth with a hand as Glenn continued, "Um, venereal disease. That's what Daryl said."
Patricia lowered her voice, "I'd say Merle Dixon's clap was the best thing to ever happen to you".
Alice couldn't contain herself and let a smile spread across her face, "Never heard of clap saving someone's life before."
"I'm really trying not to think about that," T-Dog said, before twisting his head in pain as Patricia did another stitch. But, he was done quicker than expected, and Alice was confused to see Maggie quickly leave the room, until she realized that Glenn had gone out front, too.
"You think Maggie and Glenn fancy each other?" she asked.
"Sure seems like it. He kept talkin' 'bout this chick that rode in on a horse like 'Zorro'. Who the hell is Zorro?"
"I don't have the foggiest idea," Alice smirked, knowing she'd have to dig all of this information out of Glenn; she has a terrible case of being nosey.
Alice was half-asleep with a book discarded in her lap when she heard the cry from Carl's room. She jumped up, the pages swooshing as the slid on the floor, and stumbled through the doorway.
"What's happening?" she gasped, but she knew. He was having a fit, and Alice clasped her hands on top of her head before calming her shock, "Doesn't that mean he doesn't have enough blood or oxygen or something?"
"His brain isn't getting enough blood. He needs another transfusion." Hershel confirmed.
Alice held her arm out to Patricia, "Take more, take whatever he bloody needs, yeah?"
Carl went still, his fit over, and for a second he looked dead. Alice felt her chest tighten, saw the way Rick and Lori's faces had dropped. Felt her own features slowly slackening as Carl continued to look dead.
"He just passed out." Hershel said, and Alice turned back to Patricia to get on with the process of giving blood. She could still feel the tension in her chest, but the fact that he was alive calmed Alice, even if the shallowness of his breathing didn't.
"You can't give much more blood. You're at risk of cardiac arrest or even going into a coma."
Alice froze. To die in all of this from giving blood? She nodded, "Bollocks to it, just keep Carl alive."
"Take it from me." Rick said.
"Rick, you just got out of a coma, so keep quiet. You've given just as much," Alice argued. She stared him out, and eventually, his blue eyes shifted back to the boy in the bed. His son. Alice was practically alone now, other than the group, and she wouldn't mind dying if it meant Rick could be with his son.
Even if the thought of being dead made her swallow with fear.
Alice sagged into the armchair. She felt sick, that was for sure. Her throat burned from the lemonade she'd downed in one, and now she just wanted to sleep. She'd given more blood, again. It definitely wasn't healthy. Her skin was clammy, her arms and hands visibly pale.
Where the fuck were Shane and Otis? The journalist had started to wonder whether they'd make it back ; it'd been far too long for things to have gone to plan. Shane felt a lot like a friend and a lot like safety. She pushed away the fear of his death.
'Do whatever it takes to keep Carl alive.'
Alice still couldn't believe she'd said it to Shane. She didn't really know what she'd been suggesting. No. That was a lie, she did. They'd both seen that Otis wasn't going to match up to Shane's police training. Had anyone else been thinking that? Were they horrible people for coming to that simple conclusion?
God, she was a disgusting human. At what point had she decided it was okay to pick and choose who got to live?
Through the door, she saw them carrying Carl onto a table. She stood, dizzy. Were they going to start now?
"He doesn't have much time." Patricia explained, seeing Alice stood there, "If he survives this, he'll need blood. You need to rest."
Alice nodded and sank back into the chair. Doing the surgery without putting Carl under would kill him. The chances were very, very low. Low enough that Alice felt tears burning her eyes. She took one last look at the pale, limp figure that whose head lolled on the table when they put him down and looked away. Shot and buried the memories and him and Sophia playing in the quarry, or in the CDC. Ignored the tightness in her throat.
Carl and Sophia hadn't deserved this.
"Wait," Rick said, and Alice looked up through watery eyes. The sound of an engine. She got up, rushed after Rick to get out the front door. She stumbled down the steps, barely able to see into the cab of the pickup in the full-dark.
Only Shane got out, lugging two large black bags as quickly as he could on a limp, croaking out, "Carl?"
"There's still a chance," Rick confirmed.
"Otis?" Hershel asked, and Shane's body changed. He tensed up, his eyes widened. She saw the desperate way his eyes latched onto Rick like Rick might help him pull through whatever was happening in his head.
"No." Shane shook his head.
"We say nothing to Patricia. Not till after; I need her." Hershel said, heading back inside with the bags of supplies that Shane had dumped into his arms.
When Hershel was gone, Rick pulled Shane into a hug, and Alice didn't miss the look Shane gave Lori over Rick's shoulder. He needed someone right then. Alice hadn't fully understood until that moment; he was just as scared of being alone as she was.
"You need to rest, Shane," Alice said, and his eyes met hers before he nodded. He understood.
She caught a glimpse into the pickup as they passed, and she saw the silver gleam of Rick's colt. In the bed of the truck lay the wooden rifle she'd seen slung over Otis' shoulder.
Alice felt herself start to shake as they moved away, maybe thirty meters from the farmhouse. She dropped to her knees in the grass as Shane rested against a tree lone, his sore leg propped up while he stretched the other out.
"What happened?" she asked, voice cracking.
"We used flares to distract 'em at first, but when we came out we got surrounded. Had to run through the school. I jumped out this window, how I hurt my leg." He paused, and Alice reached out, clasping a hand around his forearm, "Then we were out of ammo. I told him, go ahead, go ahead of me."
Shane's eyes were wide, and she wondered if he was in shock. It looked like he might even cry. His body shifted away from her before she continued. Like he couldn't confront her now.
"But he said he'd cover me, so I go ahead and- I turn around an' they've got him. He gave himself for the little boy."
Alice was ready to hug Shane, to whisper that he'd wanted to make amends, but something dawned on her that made her pull her hand back like she'd been burnt, "You have Rick's pistol and Otis' rifle and bag, right? If he was covering you, how'd you get them?"
"I- uh,"
"Don't fuckin' lie, Shane. A man is dead, don't just lie. I'm here for you, Shane."
Shane ran his fingers into his hair, and after a long moment, he sighed, "I had to. It was me or him, and I had to make sure Carl got what he needed. I had to. What was I gonna do, fireman's lift him outta there and get us both eaten?"
"What did you do?" Alice shifted to sit down properly beside him. The numbness she'd felt at hearing of Otis' demise, the utter non-feeling, was fading away.
He angled his face to the right, away from her, as he went on, "I asked him to go on, he wouldn't. They were gonna kill us both. It was him or me, an' I needed to make sure Carl would make it." He rubbed a palm over his forehead before he said, "I shot him in the leg."
He met her eyes for a moment, and Alice saw the pain in them, "I took the stuff an' I got away while they were eatin' him. I did what I had to, to keep Carl alive."
"Oh god." Alice breathed.
"I ain't stopped hearin' his screams." Shane shook his head, imprisoned tears rimming his eyes, "I can't get it out of my head, but I'd do it again- to save Carl."
"That's what we said. Do whatever it takes." Alice breathed, "We can't tell them. The people on this farm don't seem to understand how dire the situation out there is. Rick doesn't understand. We don't kill the living, those were his words. His words. Oh god."
She felt in the pocket of her pants, pulling out the box of cigarettes and the lighter she'd scavenged that morning. God, it felt like years since Carl had been shot. She knew that if everyone found out what happened to Otis, they wouldn't understand. They'd do something rash. A cold chill crept up her spine at the thought of Otis being torn apart but it didn't stop the red-hot cords being dragged through her veins at the thought of Shane being branded a murderer. When she met his eyes, she truly believed that he'd had no choice. There was something different in his eyes.
"You want one?"
"Don't smoke."
"I stopped, three years ago. When I planned to move after some shit went down in my life. Figured new continent, new me." Alice said before she lit the one hanging from her lip. The heat from the flame ran over her face, a familiar feeling, and Alice almost coughed as she inhaled the warm smoke. The smoke was barely visible in the darkness, and each pull Alice took of the cigarette caused the end to burn brightly, illuminating her and Shane.
It was what caused her to see the tears brimming in his eyes.
"It might not have been the good thing to do, but you saved Carl's life. Saved your life. You did what you needed to." Alice said and wondered who she was really consoling.
"You reckon' Carl'll be alright?"
"I hope so." She did hope so, more than anything. A man had died for those medical supplies. Not died, been murdered. Sacrificed. Alice found herself struggling to choose the right word, yet in the end, the verb didn't matter ; the end result was the same. The journalist wasn't sure she'd be so eager to spin a story now, not when the line between murder and sacrifice was so blurred.
The warmth of the smoke in her lungs was familiar, despite how long it had been, and she let herself relax into the buzz the nicotine caused in her brain. The feeling of the nicotine made her dizzy, something she'd once tenderly called 'niccy rush', and coupled with the blood loss she was almost swaying.
"Sorry. I just…" Alice met his eyes, and realized he'd been watching her, "I'll help you. Lie to them, I mean."
"Thank you." He drawled, "How do I face his wife?" His face twisted, his head ever-so-slightly rocking.
Alice stared at the ground, "We'll figure it out. You should clean up."
Shane stood and was limping away before Alice could say anything else. She let her back fall against the rough bark, felt the goosebumps that had risen on her arms.
Shane's figure was dark, backlit by the lights of the farmhouse.
Alice felt the hot tears running down her face around the same time that her chest began to convulse, her body racked with sobs. She threw the cigarette aside and wiped at her damp face, streaking the tears across her cheeks and hands.
She imagined Otis, being torn apart and screaming. Otis, who she'd known for perhaps an hour but who in that time had already shown what an awkward yet honourable man he was.
She cried into the night. She couldn't do this, couldn't look people in the eyes and support it. It was a sacrifice, but was there really that much difference between the deaths of the unwillingly sacrificed and the murdered?
'You are free to make whatever choice you want, but you are not free from the consequences of the choice.' Alice didn't know who'd come up with it, but the quote played in her mind. Killing Otis meant that Carl had a shot to live. Not killing him meant Shane, Otis, and Carl would all be dead. Majority over the minority. Ours over theirs.
She buried her resignations, deep, and took a shaky breath. This world was different and Shane, Carl, they were her group now. Shane had made the right choice to protect Carl and now she had to make the right choice to protect Shane and the group from the wrath of Hershel's family. If he found out, he'd kick the group off of the farm and Carl would have nowhere to recover. Rick could kick them out of the group.
The woman began to think up new lies and hoped she wouldn't choke on them.
The journalist leaned against the back of the pickup truck. Her eyes weren't on the untouchable darkness or the cigarette in her hand but on the stars above. She'd never been somewhere where you could see the stars so well. The inky sky was overwhelmed by them, an infinite number of glowing specks. Alice's eyes traced the hazy white of the milky way. She'd never been able to see the galaxy in so much clarity. How fitting, to be somewhere so clear when all that was due to leave her mouth was lies.
"Didn't take you for someone who stares at the stars,"
Alice turned to see Shane. Her eyebrows rose as she took in his newly-shaved head. It made the shape of his head, and his slightly too big ears, far more pronounced.
"You actually look like a convict, or a psycho, with that haircut," a ghost of a smile crossed her face, "Trying to get into character or what?"
Shane was quiet for a moment, "Otis ripped some hair out."
"Oh," Alice turned away, and continued smoking the cig, "Anyone else know that you have his rifle?"
"Nah, don't think so." He leaned against the back of the pickup with her, "Why?"
"You can say he was covering you - if you hide the gun. If not, it's really obvious that he wasn't covering you." Alice finished the smoke and tossed the butt to the floor, stomping on it to make sure it was out, "Shit, why am I smoking again?"
She adjusted the sleeves of the brown fleece she'd grabbed from her backpack before zipping it up to her neck. A chill had settled on the farm not long after the last rays of sunlight disappeared from the sky.
"This all getting' too much for you?"
"Isn't it too much for everyone?" Alice answered, "I'll be torn apart before smoking can kill me. Call it a comfort."
"Can't blame you, I s'pose."
"You were a real asshole in Atlanta, you know." Alice began, "But I kinda get where you were coming from. Even if I'm not over your blatant sexism, and you wrestling me for those damn bike keys."
"You letting me know I owe you one or somethin' here?"
"You do owe me one, but I was gonna say that you changed. Can you actually tolerate my presence now or is it just 'cause you're losing everyone else?"
"I was wrong 'bout you," He admitted, "Thought you were some reckless woman who thought she knew everythin'. Still ain't sure why you wanted to drive back into Atlanta for Merle fuckin' Dixon."
"Before I met Glenn, I considered finishing my time on this earth faster than intended." Alice toed the ground with her boot, "I think I just needed an excuse to die, after years of fighting to convince myself that ending it all wasn't worth it."
"Damn." he said, "You still feelin' like that?"
"I don't think so." Alice said, but her sudden revelation had embarrassed her and she changed the topic quickly, "What happened to leaving?"
"Ain't plausible, seein' as Carl's gonna be takin' some time to recover," Shane said, and Alice felt the excuse in the air.
"I think I figured it out." she said, "Lori, Carl. You're just terrified of what, being alone? Not having a mental refuge in the form of a person? I get that."
"Don't go bein' a shrink on me." he rubbed the back of his neck, "Let me tell you, yesterday, given the opportunity I woulda jumped yer bones. Lotta shit's happened to make me wanna do anythin' to fuck all this shit outta my system. 'Cept now seems like you're one of the only damn people who understand what I'm tryna do for this group."
"Lovely compliment, that, you horny bastard." she laughed, saw the grin across his face, but what he'd said shifted something in her mind, "Shane, I don't wanna- you know. I'm sure you're about as experienced as a pornstar but I've got no intentions of that."
"Nah. Andrea ain't half bad, though." The corner of his mouth raised, "Seems she's on the outside too. She was askin' to leave with me at the church."
Alice remembered seeing them walking together, "I thought you said we weren't leaving now." Truth was, Alice didn't want to leave, but some part of her felt compelled to stick to her word. Her mind was drawn back to whether or not she'd be able to do what Shane had done, but she didn't know. In theory, yes, but in reality, it was hard to gauge.
"Nah, not yet," Shane studied her, "Why're you helping me?"
"I don't know," the woman looked away, "I guess ever since- ever since I couldn't save my friend's life, all that time ago, I've just had this drive to wanna save people but I never knew how. I'm not a doctor or anything. I just can't shake the feeling of wanting to do everything I can."
"What about protectin' people like..." his face went slack and Alice knew that he was remembering Otis, "People who ain't with our group?"
"We have to do whatever it bloody takes for the people we care about, right?" Alice met his eyes, "You were right about Merle, no matter how fucked up it might be to leave a man up there to die. The group we met, they were good guys, but what if they weren't? It was a stupid risk."
"So you're sayin' that Rick ain't fit to lead, that right? That he made the wrong call-"
"I'm saying that if people died in the midst of retrieving Merle's hand, or if Carl had died in that surgery because you didn't... sacrifice Otis, we'd be living with those consequences. All choices have them." She lifted the rifle from the truck bed, holding it out for Shane to take, "The good choice, that could get us all killed or worse. I'm starting to think that the right choice isn't necessarily the good one."
He took the rifle, "The right choice is the one that keeps us alive." Shane confirmed, slinging it over his back, "I'm takin' this to the swamps."
"Be careful, you don't know if there are walkers stuck out there," Alice said, mouthing his words as he walked away, and adding a sentence to the end, 'The right choice is the one that keeps us alive. Us, not them.'
A/N: Ok, so Alice is helping Shane cover up Otis' murder. Do you think this is going to go right or wrong for them? I'm curious to know what you guys think of Shane, both in the show and here - was he right or wrong or somewhere in between in killing Otis? I really hope you enjoyed this chapter, and if you did don't forget to follow, favourite and review! :) See you guys next time!