Hello beautiful readers! Thank you so much for your coments, for following this fic, for made this fic one of your fav, to the visitors and guests, you have no idea how happy I am to know that you are out there.
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Ok, so... last time I promissed you something special to celebrate and I really wish I didn't dissapoint you
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Ok, guys... this is my way to thanks all of you for being out there reading this fic and show you that every comment you make is important to me so keep going... good, bad, it doesn't matter just let me know what you think. Anyway, I leave you a new chapter. Enjoy...
Don't forget: "No Hate, No Cyberbulling, Just Lindshay's and PLL' love"
Shay's POV
Yes… I had to admit Blaney was right, this feeling IS amazing. Being able to kiss Linds whenever I want is the best thing I've ever experience and I really wish I could still doing this for a long, long time but (and here's when all my fears and my freaking conscious come to place to make my life a living hell) as good as this could be I knew I wasn't making things the way I should.
Blaney's words were playing on my head like a catchy song 'If you make things right'. Of course I want to make things right, even when that could probably mean that I have to start a conversation I don't want to start and end this amazing moment when I absolutely don't want to end it. Damn you Michaela and your 'words of wisdom'. But even if I don't want to do anything but keep tasting Lindsey's amazing lips I have to admit that she does deserve my honesty and the truth, so I have no choice. I had to break the kiss abruptly, taking a few seconds to look into Lindsey's eyes. I can see she was surprise but mostly worried about the suddenly decision
"What? What's wrong?" Linds asked me softly, trying to hide the hint of fear on her voice, putting one of her hands on my cheek and soothing the skin there with her thumb.
Just a few hours ago people were wondering the exact same thing, thinking that the situation probably got to a point where Linds and I were actually hating each other… if they only knew the truth. If only they knew that behind those awkward moments and that weird behavior; hate had nothing to do with what we are feeling for each other and now, I'm sure of that.
I know I probably screwed things up by adding that kiss to our last scene but, the show and the people around us, was the last thing crossing my mind at that moment. I just couldn't let Linds think that I'm not interest in what she told me this morning, I couldn't let her 'burry her feelings for me' like she told earlier because I don't wat her to do that. No, I had to do something and for the first time in my life; I did it, without even think about it, no doubts, not struggles but… things are never that simple.
Lying to the rest of the cast, the crew and even Marlene was easy; I just had to put a straight face and go with a 'I thought it was appropriate for the scene so I went for it' and then an innocent voice with a 'I hope my little impulse hasn't ruined the shot' and for the look of it; they believed it, at the end it wasn't weird for us as actors to improvise with the material the writers give us. But the woman in front of me was a complete different case; she wasn't exactly someone to lie to, she wasn't just another member of the cast I had to convince to let this go, she was the reason for that kiss to happened and she was very aware of that and now I have to face the fact that I crossed a line and I can't go back.
"Did you realize how many times did people ask the same question these past few days?" I asked her, leaning into her touch, not holding the smile that appeared on my face and trying to enjoy every second of this moment before I had to do 'the right thing'
"Yeah…" Linds let out a soft smile "I guess they were worried about us, but we have to admit we gave them a reason to; it's not like we were our true self lately"
"Yeah, I guess not. Speaking for myself, I have to accept that I've been a mess"
"Why?"
"What you mean why?"
"I mean, I know what's been bothering me and the real reason behind it but what about you?"
"Well… I…" I took a deep breath knowing that what I'm going to do next will probably make her change the way she thinks about me "I was struggling with the way I was feeling about you. I… I didn't… I was…"
"Hey, it's ok…" she took my hands on hers, caressing them softly "I was actually struggling with my feelings too. You know that. I was really worried because I thought you didn't feel the same way… I had no idea you were…"
"No one does!" I let out abruptly, maybe I'm being too rough but this has been my way to react every time someone wanted to talk about my sexuality; defending myself from any kind of accusation was something I learned long time ago and it stuck with me until day.
"What?" Linds asked confused. I know she'd probably hate me for this
"No one knows that I'm… gay. I mean besides my family and my best friend"
"So… this is new to you too? Like… you recently came out?"
I was so tempted to say yes and make her believe that I'd need time to process the whole thing but I know the truth will come out sooner or later and she'll find out that I've been hiding the truth for several years, so I prefer she hear it from me
"No… I uh…" I don't want to do this. I don't want her to hate me but I can't be selfish either
"You don't need to do this right now; when you're ready you know I'm here to listen"
"I know but letting this for later wasn't going to make things easier. What I'm going to tell you is probably going to change the way you think about me, but under the current circumstances I think you should know so you could make a decision about… us"
"Ok, I'm listening" She frowned when I took my hands away from hers and stood up to maintain a distance.
"I'm not the person you think I am. I'm what most people could consider it a… fraud"
"What? A fraud?" she let out a soft laugh "Shay there's no one in this world who could be more genuine than you"
"Believe me, I'm everything but genuine…" I have to stop walking in circles and just go straight to the point "I… I've been hiding the fact that I'm gay since I was fourteen" I made a little pause to see Linds' first reaction but there was none, she was just looking at me, waiting "Like I told you; the only people that knows that I'm gay are my best friend Michaela, whom I came out first and then my parents and my brother but besides them, no one else knows about my sexuality"
I wait for her to make a comment about it or to ask anything but the only thing I heard was an 'Ok' that came out as a sign to continue so I finally threw the big bomb "And that's because I'm too afraid to come out, I know the huge changes that confession would bring and I'm not ready to face those changes… and I probably never will" This time there wasn't a single word, just an empty look on her face "yeah, I guess you think I'm not so genuine now, huh?" it was a stupid joke but I was desperate for her to say something, anything, but nothing came out so I wait for a little while until I couldn't take it "I'm sorry"
"For what?" I wasn't expecting that
"Because… you probably had feelings for whom you thought was a different kind of person. I should've told you the truth when I had the chance and now…"
"Now I have feelings for someone who is too afraid to come out but that I'm sure will find the right moment to do it"
"That's the thing… I'm not sure if I ever want to come out"
"Oh…" She let out and I started to walk around the little room, almost like an animal in its cage
"My career has always been my number one priority. Even the people who know the truth about me are aware that I would keep this as a secret for as long as I can and they respected my decision when I told them that I wanted to keep it that way"
"So you're telling me that you're hiding the fact that you're gay because you don't want to affect your career?" all I could do was nod "and that you'd probably never come out because of that?" I had to nod again "then why did you let this happen? Why did you make me believe that I could have a chance with you?" Linds raised her voice a little; the change in her tone making me realize how disappointed she was
"Because what I'm feeling for you was too strong to ignore and it was driving crazy. I'd never feel this way for anybody until I met you, at first I thought it was just a crush that will soon go away but it didn't and then I got scared because I couldn't stop thinking about you, and the fact that you were always around wasn't helping; it was even affecting my work"
Linds huff, like she couldn't believe what she was hearing
"I've never meant to lead you on in the wrong direction but when you told me you have feelings for me I knew I had to take the risk and do something, let you know that it wasn't only one sided, even when I knew I wasn't able to offer you what you're looking for and what you really deserve, not after what you told me about your last relationship. I don't want to be like her and pretend that I don't feel anything for you because is not true but I also can't allow myself to be expose because of my love life"
"So you're saying that being gay is wrong?"
"No, no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that this could destroy everything I worked for…"
"You're pretending to be someone you're not"
"And you have no idea how much I hate myself for it; to have to lie to keep this image but I don't know if I can live without my career, I don't think I'm capable to give up to this life"
"So you prefer to lie just for a couple of contracts? Is the fame that important to you?"
"It has never been about the fame, this is my passion, this is what I love to do. I'm not the kind of person who can stay at home watching how the others make it happen. I worked really hard for this and I don't want to lose it" I know I made myself look as a cold person in front of her but I was being honest, even when my words were too harsh to hear
"So what now…? We act like nothing happened? Do we have to pretend that we don't have feelings for each other? Because… I really like you, Shay. My feelings for you are strong and you know that but if you don't want this, if you don't want to be with me…"
"I do… believe me; I really want to be with you but… I can't be selfish. Do you think is fair from me to ask you to give us a try when I know I can't give you what you deserve? You have no idea how much I fought against my feelings not only thinking about me but thinking about you too. When you told me about your ex, the first thing that crossed my mind was how I could ever think in ask her to be with me when all I can offer her is a relationship where we'll have to hide from everyone, all the time… just like you had to do with her. I'd hate myself if I ever drag you into this mess because you deserve so much better than that, you deserve someone who could proudly say that is happy to be with you, someone you can share the best and the worst of every day, and I… I just can't ask you to be in a relationship with me when I know it would have to be on my own terms, when you even would have to probably hold on your decision to come out to the world just like you were planning to. I'm sure that's not what you want" I almost whispered the last words, not capable of holding the few tears that were falling down
"How do you know what I want?"
I raised my head surprised, not knowing if those words were a good or a bad thing "I…"
"Look… of course I want all the things you said before; the woman who could proudly say that she loves me, the one who can be with me without fear, the one I can share every single part of my life with and… I think I already found her" Linds looked at me with such intensity that made my heart melt "Yes, I was so broken from my last relationship but that was because she denied her feelings for me and the time we shared together so, I guess I can accept the fact that you're too afraid to come out, that you're very fond with your career and that we'll have to hide for as long as we last but all I need to know is if you really want this, if you feel the same way I feel about you and if you really want to be with me. All sacrifices would be worth it if we work on this relationship together"
I don't know what to do… on one side; Linds was giving me a free pass to start what it could be the best thing that ever happens to me but, on the other side; she was talking about sacrifices that I don't think would be fair for her to do, even when I was very aware that if I say No then I would let her be free to sooner or later forget her feelings for me and be with whoever she wants.
"I can't ask you that kind of sacrifice. I don't…"
Linds just nodded at me, almost like knowing what was coming next "I think what we need here is time" she stood up as well and walked a few steps closer to me "You know there are only a couple of episodes left before I took a break from the show. The Channel Managers made me an offer to work on a TV movie they are producing. I was going to tell you about it but a lot of things came up and I wasn't able to… anyway, the shooting will be in North Carolina so, maybe that time apart could help us think about what we really want"
"Maybe" I sigh defeated. I knew it was an open door for us but I couldn't help but feeling devastated for the news, the last thing I wanted was for her to go away
"Ok, so… I guess at the end we would have to pretend that nothing happened" I looked at her not bothering to hide my disappointment "at least for now" she added
I was too afraid to say a word because I knew I wasn't able to speak without crying so, I just nodded to let her know that I was agree with her even when I wasn't. Linds got even closer to me and softly, let a kiss on my cheek and I had to bit my lip to stop the tears from falling down.
"See you on Saturday" were her last words before she turned around and headed to the door, then all I could do was wait until she closed it behind her, to crumble.
"So… how was it?"
It was already Tuesday night, 6 days after I confessed to Linds that I have feelings for her too and that I was a freaking coward to say it outside the walls of my dressing room…
I was at my house with Blaney, catching up about the whole week. After Lindsey leave my dressing room last Wednesday, and after I kind of cry my eyes out, the first thing I did was to call Blaney to tell her what happened, once I got home she let me cry all my pain off without saying a word, without questions and without a lecture, which I appreciated it very much. I think at some point she felt sorry for me and thought I was broken enough to continue with the torture.
The next days after that encounter have not been easy at all between Linds and me; I won't lie telling that she's been rude or cold with me, because she wasn't… but it wasn't as our earlier days either. We've had a lot of work ahead of us and we tried our best to make things work but we tried so hard that at the end everything became more awkward than already was.
"That bad, huh?" Blaney asked again when I didn't answer her previous question. The thing is that I've been focus on a way to approach Linds without scaring her or pushing her to take a decision about our talk, but I didn't find the way to do it yet.
"No, no, she was… ok"
"Ok? What the hell that means?"
"It means that she was very professional, she didn't avoid me but she wasn't sharing anything with me either, not breakfast, not lunch… nothing, not like we used to"
"That sucks"
"And you know which the funniest part is? Our last scene is the kiss on the window seat"
"You're kidding" She smiled
"No… I've already shot the picnic scene with Linds, the one where Emily don't want to date Paige because she is not ready to come out, which but the way was very ironic giving the fact that I'm the one going through that situation. Sometimes I asked myself why does Linds have the character who more than one is probably going to hate and I have the brave one when I AM the fucking coward" I was talking very fast by this point "Anyway, I've already shot that scene, the one with the girls, with Aria, with Sean, even the first one with Samara and the ones with Samara and Paige. It's like the universe is trying to mess up with me, knowing that this would be my last scene with Linds before she leaves" I was starting to sound agitated
"Or… Marlene knows something"
"What!?" I feel like I can't breathe
"Ok, Mitchy, take it easy. I was just joking. Look, at least the whole situation is out; you talked about it and all you have to do is take a decision, which you should start thinking of because she is not going to wait forever. I'm sure she already knows what she wants and she is just taking things slow to give you some time and space to think"
"Maybe… the thing is… I really miss her, Blaney. Is hard to see her around and not be able to talk to her"
"That's what I don't get, you say she is not avoiding you, then why are you avoiding her?"
"I'm not avoiding her; I'm just respecting the time she asked"
"The time she asked because she felt hesitation on you but what if she is waiting for you to approach her?"
"You think?"
"Oh, come on, Mitchy this isn't high school, is not about giving or following signals, is about talking like adults"
"You're right"
"As always"
"And… cut!" it was Marlene's last call.
Linds and I had a couple of shoots to make before the day ends and we could take advantage of the night light to make 'the window seat' scene (is like everybody call it here) more romantic and believable, according to Mar.
"Ok, crew get ready for the next stage… girls, go get some rest, I'll call you for the last scene"
I waited until Marlene was out of sight to approach Lindsey, who was sitting on a corner looking at her phone"
"Hey" I said softly, not wanting to take her by surprise
"Hey" She answered back, raising her head from her phone and giving me a bright smile. Oh, boy how I like that smile; with those beautiful dimples on each side… Focus Mitchel, focus!
"There's something I wanted to asked you since you told me you got that offer… uhm… you said the shooting will be in North Carolina but you… never told me for how long you were leaving" It probably sounds like a meaningless topic but I was really interested on how long she'll be gone
"Why? are you going to miss me?" I was surprised by her recently change of mood; the playful smile and the cocky tone, it has nothing to do with the girl who asked time to think about things. If this was a green light to go back to where we were then who am I to waste it?
"Of course I will. One thing is to know you're taking a break from the show and another different thing is to know you're going to a place far away from here"
"What's the difference?"
"Well…" I blush a little "If you're here at least I can visit you from time to time"
"I thought we needed some time apart to think"
"Right…" I looked at the floor embarrassed
"I was just kidding" she took my chin with one hand and made me look at her "I'm going to miss you too but don't worry, it's going to be only for four months"
"Four months? That's like a lot of time, don't you think?"
"Well, it's what my contract says. You think you can wait for me those four months?"
I nodded at her frantically, now with a big smile on my face. I was feeling like a teenager falling in love for the first time; with the jumping heart and the sweety hands. It was almost ridiculous but it was amazing. Forget about the status and the labels, all I want to do is to be close to her
I've never been good with details or surprises; although to be fair I've never been in a real relationship either and nobody has been that important to me to do that kind of things but I really hope everything goes as I plan this time.
"Blaney, I need to ask you a big favor" I only had a few minutes to make this call, give her the instructions and go back to set.
"Sure what is it?"
"First, you're not allow to make questions and second, I need you to do this right now, before our day of shooting ends"
"Ugh… fine, but the details later, ok?"
"You got it"
"Ok, everybody… listen. This is a bitter sweet scene; I'm sad because Linds is going to leave us for a while" people around made sad noises; some giving a 'no' and others just joking about not letting her leave. Of course nothing compare to what I was really feeling about it "I know, I know but the good news is that she is on my plans for season 2" people around cheer up this time "so let's make this scene one of our best so we can miss her even more" Mar smiled at Linds, holding one of her hands "Are you ready, Linds?"
"More than ready" she answered
"Then, let's do this"
Mar, looked at both of us and gave us the final details as always. She turned around to talk with the camera director before she gave the crew the final instructions
"Ready to blow their minds?" I asked Linds with a suggestive tone because I was surely ready to blow HER mind
"Sure… are you?" She smirked at me. Oh, boy… can we just skip to the kiss part
"Ok, cameras 2 and 3 on hold. Camera 1… ready for the first shot?" Pete, the camera guy, nodded to let her know he was ready "Great, here we go people… Season 1 / episode 20… Action!"
Paige appeared on Emily's house just few minutes after Emily got her text asking her to meet her. Emily guided her into her room, the other girl following close behind, taking on the sight in front of her, analyzing every single corner of Emily's room
Paige: Nice room
Emily: Thanks
Paige was still looking around when something else caught her attention, making her smile
Paige: Window seat… I always wanted a room with one of those
But Emily's interest was focus on something more important than the details on her own room
Emily: you had your date with Sean
Paige: Yeah… that's where I was tonight
Emily: How it go?
Paige: Great… good… he is a nice guy… (She made a pause, almost like recalling the facts of the night) yeah it went ok
Emily: Good
Paige: yeah… until he kissed me… (She made a new pause; this time analyzing Emily's reaction, which was a mix of surprise and concern) He took me home and kissed me good night and… I don't know… the date, the whole night just felt phony all of a sudden, like it wasn't me, it was somebody I was watching but not me. He went home and I texted you
Emily: Sean is a nice guy and, if he is interested in you as more than a friend you've to be honest with him
Paige: you're saying I should dump him
Emily: I'm saying you shouldn't lead him on. You have to be honest
Paige: that is so easy for you to say. You're fearless
Emily: I am so not fearless
Paige: You came out
Emily: I didn't come out of the closet, I felt out… on my face, but I'm out, and whatever else happens I don't have to worry about it anymore
Paige was trying not to cry; a glow settled on her eyes from the tears she was fighting to hold up
Paige: If I say it out loud, if I say… I'm gay, the whole world is gonna change
Emily: Yeah, it will
Paige couldn't take it anymore, she was feeling fragile and vulnerable, even in front of Emily, who was trying to help in the best way she could, but the whole conversation was just too intense to keep stand so, she look for support on the closest place she found: the window seat.
Emily followed her, at this point worried about Paige's response to their talk. She knew she had to do something to make Paige change her mind about what she was feeling and make her understand that she had nothing to feel afraid of
Emily: You wanna hear something funny?
Paige: I would love to hear something funny
Emily: When I was… trying talk myself into… being interested in boys… I would look for guys like you
Paige let out a smile; it was just a soft smile but probably the most genuine she could handle so far
Paige: Like me how?
Emily: The kind that would pull me up on stage and get me to sing… because I would never do that on my own
Paige was over the moon; Emily's words hitting directly to her heart, making her feel loved and important for the first time in her life, feeling that finally someone could see through those walls she worked so hard to build in her attempt to avoid all the pain people put her through before
With her eyes locked on Emily's, Paige took the courage to lean forward. Emily following her lead, leaning as well to reach Paige's lips midway. Both sure their hearts have ever pounded so fast in their lives…
I swear I can do this for as long as I live. I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to do it again, to have Linds so close, to feel the warmth of her mouth, the heat emanating from her body, her smell and of course her soft and sweet lips. And the best part is that I don't have to hide my feelings for her anymore, I'm not afraid to be rejected or do the wrong move because finally I can kiss her with all I have and not regret a single second of it.
Paige moved her hands downward taking one of Emily's between them, which made Emily do the same thing, putting her free hand over Paige's before move it to Paige's cheek. The kiss was rising in intensity; lips moving eagerly against each other and their breathing becoming elaborated as the kiss progressed. Emily opened her eyes for a second, not wanting to lose a single detail of the moment but closing them almost immediately as she could feel the electricity shot running through her body.
And I know Linds could feel it too. I know this because she is responding with the same eagerness; her lips attacking mine with hunger and want, her tongue grazing my lips asking for entrance, which I gladly aloud. We kept the same pace until I heard a very low 'cut' coming from the back of the room, or maybe it was loud enough but my heart and my head were pounding so hard that it was the only noise coming to my ears.
Linds pulled away slowly, looking into my eyes in the process, maybe looking for a sign of doubt or regret but she found none because I've never been more sure about anything in my life and even if I can't say it with words I want for my eyes to let her know that. For sure she was more than glad to know it because a beautiful smile appeared immediately on her face.
"Bravo! That's what I call a kiss. It almost felt that you were doing it for real" Marlene's words took me out of my trance, making me feel anxious all of a sudden
I panicked. I was out of words, thinking that maybe Mar saw something she shouldn't have. My brain was working really fast looking for some kind of excuse in case someone noticed something 'different' between Linds and me.
"Thanks, Mar. But you know what they say; when you love what you do…" but apparently I didn't have to come up with a plan because Linds reacted faster than me, giving Mar a smile and acting so cool like nobody in a mile would suspect anything. Linds then looked at me; it was just for a second, but it was enough to notice the disappointment in her eyes… yeah, she definitely caught up my fear in front of the situation
"Well… I'm glad you love what you do and I'm glad to have you here so I can't wait for you to come back for next season"
"Neither do I" Linds answered excited
"Ok, then…" Mar walked closer to Linds and leaned forward to give her a hug "I guess is time to let you go. Take care and good luck with your new projects"
"Thanks Mar" Linds broke the embrace "and you already know, if you need me you can call me whenever you want"
"I will. Now… people, it's time for us to move on to the next stage. Shay go get change, Mandy is waiting for you" Mar took me by surprise, I thought I would have at least a few minutes to say good bye to Linds
"Ok…" I sighed. I wanted so badly to get closer and hug her and kiss her but Marlene was just there, next to me and I couldn't expose myself to an awkward moment so I just looked at her and made a stupid wave with my hand "Bye Linds… take care and I'll… see you later"
"Yeah… bye, Shay" she just turned around and saying her last good bye to the rest of the crew, she disappeared between the walls of the stage
I hate myself so much for this; watching her walk away without even the chance to say a proper good bye, knowing that her last feeling for me was disappointment. I feel terrible, I just hope what I planned help to subside this moment of cowardice.
I'll miss her… I really will…
Lindsey's POV
I can't deny I was feeling disappointed by the way Shay and I said good bye to each other, I wasn't expecting a kiss in front of everybody but at least a hug would have been nice.
I thought the kiss we just shared would be able to fix things but I guess I was wrong, I know she felt the same way when we were kissing, her eyes told me what her lips couldn't but I guess she was too afraid to make the wrong move and expose herself in front of the people around us.
Now it doesn't matter anyway, I have a flight to catch up tomorrow morning and I can't allow myself to lose track of my career because right now that's all I got so, until Shay took a decision about us I guess is better to focus on my work. God… I just need to get home and start packing.
After few more minutes on the road I could finally head home. I parked my car in the garage and went inside the house. When I got into the living room something caught my attention immediately; there was a big beautiful bouquet of lilies in one of the tables… but how? When? Who? There has to be an explanation for this. I looked for a card, a note or some kind of message that could help me find answers, until I finally found a letter attach. I opened it, curiosity taking the best of me, and I started reading it
"You think I would let you go just like that? I know this is not what you were probably expecting (believe me; neither do I) but I don't want to say good bye, not today, not when I know you're coming back for us. I know you need time and I'm willing to give you all the time you need and, I don't want to pressure you or try to make you change your mind if you already took a decision but, I'm not going to give up to these feelings because I don't want to give up on them. Yes… I could be a liar, a coward or a freaking fraud if you want to see it like that but my feelings for you are the most genuine thing that happened to me so… No, I'm not ashamed to ask you for an opportunity. I know I'm selfish for asking you that but at this point I really don't care. I'll wait because I really care about you. You asked me if I really want this and my answer is YES. You asked me if I feel the same way you feel about me and my answer is also YES. You asked me if I really want to be with you and my answer is HELL YES. So… I don't care if is one or four months just… come back as soon as you can and… don't fall in love with anybody, ok? Just remember I'll be here, whatever decision you make. Have a nice flight. I'll miss you. Shay"
Oh, man… She surely knows how to stick in my brain and my heart. Forget about work, who wants to focus in a career when the most beautiful woman on earth is waiting for you to come back home. Damn! Now I wish I would never sign that movie contract
You know what to do, guys. See ya...