I'm back again! Although, unfortunately, I am rather disappointed with the review turnout for the last chapter. -pouts- But don't mind me, I'm just another selfish fanfiction review whore. ;)

Disclaimer: The name "Beauty and the Geek" belongs to the show also called "Beauty and the Geek." Funny, ain't it? Not.

Now, on to the next chapter, featuring Oliver in the role of Desperate Stalker!

Chapter 10

It's not easy stalking someone. I mean – ahem – tracking someone. I blame it all on the fact that I am forced to stalk – er, track – not the girl that I am madly in like with, but the boyfriend of the girl I am madly in like with. How messed up is that?

Anyway, The Search For Zacharias began (yes, it deserves to be capitalized – The Search For Zacharias) with me heading downstairs from the boys' dormitory, and having everyone in the common room stare at me. I heard a couple whispers and quite a few appreciative comments ("Oh, I just adore a man in black!") and I was just about to wink at the girls who'd spoken when I heard two identical snorts of laughter.

"You look like you're going to your grandmother's funeral!" the Weasley twins whooped.

"I'll have you know that both my grandmothers are still alive and well, thank you," I said coldly, and left the room.

Now, where to start? I pondered as I stood in the hallway. Well, dinner was over and it was a Friday night – with the absence of the usual threat of classes the next morning – so it was very likely that Zacharias the Geekwith a capitalG was hanging somewhere inside school with dear Katherine the Beautiful with a capital B. Now the question was, where?

Perhaps I should have planned this more thoroughly first.

xxx

List of Places Zacharias the Geek with a capital G Could Be (from best to worst):

5) Library. On a Friday night, not likely. However, most ideal place to locate (and study) a person easily.
4) Kitchen. Not hard to get to. Provides chance to grab small snack even if "Z the G" isn't there.
3) Room of Requirement. Requires some waiting behind a suit of armor, etc, until "Z the G" exits. Only problem: how to know if he's in there in the first place.
2) Hufflepuff Common Room. Password-protected, thus extremely difficult to penetrate into.
1) Astronomy Tower. Number one snog session location for couples of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry; popular choice because of illusion of romance and mystery in a tower facing the moon and stars; notorious for being a place of passionate embraces, often leading to reckless actions despite the hard stone floor; often a location where babies are began.

xxx

I was just kidding about the babies. But the rest was all true, which is why I was hastily making my way up all 152 steps of the Astronomy Tower, thoughts of murder in my head as I thought of the scumbag's lips on Katie's...

Panting, I finally made it to the top and pushed the door open. My eyes scanned the tower, but I couldn't really tell who was who or who was where because it was so dark. I approached the nearest couple.

"Lumos." (It was a rather rude way of doing it, I know, but oh well.)

"Merlin's tits!" a deep voice exclaimed, and I heard a girlish squeal of protest from his companion.

"Hello Roger," I said dryly, looking at my friend/Quidditch rival and the cute little brunette in his arms. "Enjoying the night?"

"What are you doing?" he asked in confusion, but I only replied, "Merlin didn't have tits," and left.

I checked a few other couples, and after quite a few "Hey!"s and "What's the big idea?"s and "Bloody hell, mate!"s, I reached the last couple. I heard a sound rather like a plunger being sucked out of a toilet as someone pulled away from her tonsil hockey partner and faced me.

"Oliver!" an irritating high-pitched voice squealed. "What are you doing here?"

"Uh, just looking for someone," I said awkwardly. "You can go back to your business, Taylor."

She bit her lip, her indecisive eyes traversing from me to the dark-haired boy she was with, then back to me, as if she had to make a very important decision indeed.

"I'm leaving," I said hastily, making the decision for her. I wasn't too pleased with the death glare I received from her little boy toy. I left the Tower, feeling relieved to see Katie and Zacharias weren't making babies up there. Another reason for my relief came from escaping that hot sensual tension up there. I mean, if you're with someone, that hot sensual tension is perfectly fine. But if you're alone in the midst of hot sensual tension, you really feel out of place. And kind of intimidated. In the midst of that hot sensual tension. Which gets...hotly...sensually...tense?

Couples suck.

xxx

Oliver Wood

Mood: Undecided
Success at "Tracking": None. Nil. Nada. Zilch. (Get the picture?)
Next action: Give up and try again tomorrow.

xxx

The next day...

Ahh, a fresh new day. Anything is possible on a Saturday morning.

I breathed in the crisp autumn air. It would be winter soon. It would soon be time for hot chocolate. Warm mittens. Frosty breath. Snow fights. Ice skating on the lake. Frostbitten arses after Quidditch practices.

But I digress. I strolled the lake that morning, feeling in a particularly good mood because they had raisin scones in the Great Hall this morning.

Yes, I am easily pleased.

Anyway, as I was saying, I was strolling when suddenly I caught glimpse of Beauty and the Geek exiting the school. Hmmm...well, I am privileged to know that Katie's favorite spot to read and relax during the weekends is under a big maple tree on the far side of the lake. A lot of the leaves hadn't fallen off yet, and would serve as good cover. Hmmm...

Acting upon my hunch (and since I already was at the far side of the lake), I stared at her tree. I had to go up this thing?

Think like a squirrel, mate! my inner self told me. Be a squirrel. You are a squirrel. You ARE a squirrel!

What was almost as creepy as my soul telling me I was a squirrel was that it also called me mate, as if I were an old chum. In a sense, perhaps I am. But I digress.

I grabbed the closest branch and hauled myself up. I almost slipped, and let out a tiny squirrel-like squeak and wriggled my nose. Then I had to slap myself because I was a little too deep in my twisted squirrel mentality. Finally, I crawled up on a sturdy branch and shifted around a bit until I was comfortable. And then I waited.

Sure enough, Beauty and the Geek approached shortly after, and settled comfortably under my tree.

Huh. My tree. I am one heck of a possessive squirrel.

I craned forward to hear better, but I could only hear Katie's soft murmur. That is, until Zacharias said angrily, "Tell them to piss off! It's that simple!"

"I tried," Katie argued, her voice getting louder. "But they don't see you the way I do."

"I don't need them to."

"I need them to."

"So they won't throw pickles at me?"

"Zach, the Pickle Incident happened only once." (She really did say it like 'Pickle Incident,' as if it were capitalized.) "Fred and George were upset when they heard we fought. But I made them regret it later, didn't I?"

"Your step-brother hates me too, for some reason."

"Roger would disapprove of anyone I went out with; he's just the kind of person. Plus, you're on the Hufflepuff Quidditch team. He may consider you a rival."

"I suppose. I still don't like your crowd, though. Haha, did you see that Stinging Hex I sent George earlier today?"

"He got you back with a Jelly-Legs Jinx...Oh please, let's not argue. Please?" She leaned against the tree, hugging her knees to her chest.

"I know some of my friends don't like us being together," she went on, quietly. "But we shouldn't let that get in our way. We used to be so...so fond of each other, didn't we? Before we let others' opinions get to our heads?" Katie rested her chin upon her knees, her hair spilling across her shoulders, and as corny as it seems I felt like reaching out to her.

Now, the best thing to say right then would be, "We are still fond of each other. No, fond isn't the right word. I love you, Katie, and I always will."

But no. Zacharias stubbornly replied, "I don't let others' opinions get to my head."

Katie sighed. "Is there anything left in this relationship?" I felt a surge of hope at these words.

But then the git leaned closer and kissed her, which is what I would've done long ago. This bloke should be learning from me, not the other way around!

Apparently he did something right for once. Katie's arms reached around his neck, and she leaned into him.

"I love you, Katie," the git said. "Against all odds."

Katie smiled happily, returning his sickeningly sentimental words (funnily enough, if I had said those exact same words, it would have been heart-stoppingly romantic). They kissed again, which led to him stroking her back and her fingers entwining in his hair.

Meanwhile, Squirrel Boy up in the tree was feeling the uncomfortable tingle of hot sensual tension below. Indeed, Squirrel Boy wanted nothing more thanto scamper away from there. After giving a severe beating to the git, of course.

But instead, Squirrel Boy was left helpless to stay frozen on the branch, tail twitching in frustration as the girl he was totally in like with was snogging with her boyfriend.

Wait. I have no tail. I mean really, this squirrel thing is starting to get out of hand–

HEY! WHERE is that git's hand sneaking up to? Two squirrel eyes were transfixed on that hand snaking its way up...up...No one puts a hand on my girl!

Squirrels get easily excited. For this, I'll always blame them when I remember how I tumbled out of the tree, how Katie screamed and Zacharias swore, how I could only see stars and twittering birds floating above my head... How Zacharias eyed me suspiciously, how I made up a pathetic excuse for my presence in the tree, how confused Katie looked as I hurried out of there...

All in the day's work of your average squirrel.