Disclaimer: I still don't own Alec and Magnus, much less The Mortal Instruments. I do own the plot, though.

A/N.: Longest chapter so far. And thanks, once again, for all those lovely reviews. (100? WTF, I can't believe it!). Enjoy!

#251 All sorts of complicated

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Alec spent the biggest part of Sunday in his room, reading another book from Magnus's list, mostly because he wanted to escape his siblings. Mercifully, they seemed to have taken pity on him and refrained from their usual teasing and didn't bug him about his not-really-but-named-as-such-in-lack-of-a-better-word-date with Magnus. Now and then, they would make some hint or grin at him suggestively, but they mostly left him alone, something he was infinitely grateful for. He was also well aware that they would start pestering him with questions the moment he'd walk in after the meeting, but Alec pushed that thought far away. He probably wouldn't have anything interesting to tell, anyway. And even if there was, which was highly unlikely (in fact, in Alec's opinion, the chance was rather nonexistent), he'd keep it to himself. He certainly didn't need a new edition of the "Let's talk about Alec's love life" conversation he'd had with Jace the other day. And Izzy and Jace combined would only exponentiate his mortification.

He had no idea what to expect of his evening with Magnus, anyway. What would they do? What would they even talk about? Alec didn't like to admit it, but no matter how much he liked being in Magnus's presence, he always felt terribly boring and inadequate, as if he never knew the right thing to say. He really didn't understand why Magnus wanted him, someone so insignificant, to come over, when he, being the wonderful, alluring and charming person he was, could hang out with far more interesting people.

Alec groaned. Their meeting would probably be an utter flop. He could already see it: he wouldn't know what to say and Magnus would become tired of having him around and everything would be awkward and Alec would leave early and Magnus would make a point to avoid him for the rest of his life.

Which would suck balls, because although Alec was well aware that Magnus was completely unavailable, particularly for someone like him (wrong gender, wrong character traits, wrong hobbies, wrong everything), he still desperately wanted Magnus to like him. Not that that would make things better. What would he do if they befriended each other and then Magnus found out that Alec was gay and fancied him? Oh yeah, that would be just great.

Maybe he should just stick with his secret admirer. Alex still didn't know a lot about him, but so far, he seemed to be a very nice person. Intriguing. Intelligent. Compatible with him, for the most part. Most importantly, he definitely liked Alec. That would be a good basis for a relationship, wouldn't it? So far, no one had ever had a crush on him, at least not that he knew of. Well, except for Aline in sixth grade, but that didn't count, because she was a girl and he wouldn't have even considered going out with her.

The more Alec thought about it, the more he realised that he was actually interested in getting to know him better. Also, he found that he somehow liked the guy, despite not knowing much about him. It was also increasingly easy to ignore that this entire game was somewhat-romantic-yet-weird and the guy most likely had stalker tendencies.

But yeah, it was still weird.

And he got the feeling that he really liked Magnus.

...and the other boy, too.

Alec groaned, frustrated, buried his head in his pillow and wished someone would hit him on the head to get his overactive brain to shut the fuck up.

Classes on Monday were boring as ever, but for the first time in ages Alec couldn't bring himself to concentrate on his teachers' lectures, which was something new. He always paid attention in class, regardless of how dull they were. Now, with only a few weeks till graduation, he should be extra careful to not miss anything important, but he zoned out repeatedly, his thoughts wandering off to Magnus and the letters and everything else he did not want to think about. The only good thing was that with all the other pupils freaking out about the nearing exams none of the teachers noticed his absentmindedness.

After school he went home long enough to throw his bag into the far corner of his room, scribble down some notes that might or might not pass as completed homework, take a quick shower and change into some fresh clothes before he took off to Brooklyn.

Magnus's place was easy enough to find. Alec usually despised Brooklyn, but his flat was situated in Brooklyn Heights, which was probably the cleanest and nicest part of the quarter. For a second, Alec wondered how a student could afford living in the most popular and expensive area of Brooklyn, but then he dismissed the thought. Firstly, it wasn't really his place to ask questions like that, and secondly, if he decided to move out on a whim, his parents would pay for his flat, too, just to not be bothered by him anymore and salve their guilty conscience that occasionally overcame them whenever they realised they were letting their children down. Maybe it was the same with Magnus. Maybe the house had belonged to the family for a long time.

Or maybe Magnus had flirted with the landlady and convinced her to give him some discount. He could definitely picture him doing that.

Alec jogged up the few stairs to the front door and searched the name plates next to the door bell until he found the one saying Bane. He pressed it and waited. Only seconds later, Magnus's voice came out of the intercom.

"...not to touch that. Hello?"

"Um," said Alec. "It's me."

"Hi, Alec. Goddammit, Camille, is this my place or yours?"

Alec felt his stomach drop. He hadn't expected that Camille would be over as well. And he certainly hadn't expected to witness them fighting or anything. He shifted uncomfortably. "Um...if this is a bad time, I could come back some other day or..." he began weakly, trying to fight the feeling of disappointment that crept up inside him.

"Don't be ridiculous, it's not a bad time," Magnus answered, his attention now back to Alec. "Come on up."

There was a buzzing sound and Alec tentatively pushed open the door and walked up the stairs. The stairway was dusty and smelled a little mouldy, and the stairs creaked under his feet as he ascended them. He had almost reached the top of the staircase when a girl with a wave of blond hair swept past him, rushing down the stairs and out of the door, which slammed shut behind her. Alec stared after her for a while, sighing inwardly. This evening started off even worse than he'd imagined and he dreaded that it might not end well, either. He wouldn't be able to blame Magnus for being cranky, though, after fighting with his girlfriend, even if that would ruin his own pleasant night.

Then again, maybe they were breaking up and then...

Stop it! Don't even go there, Lightwood, Alec scolded himself. That's not a nice thought. You wouldn't wish him that, would you?

"Are you going to stand there until I'm covered in cobwebs or will you come in?" Magnus sounded amused, his voice pulling Alec out of his reverie. He turned around to see Magnus leaning against the doorframe casually, a small smile on his face. He didn't look half as upset as Alec had expected him to be. "I swear, this girl will be the death of me," Magnus continued, shaking his head. "I can't believe she stole my Cheetos."

Alec blinked. What?

"And my Oreo cookies on top of that! How am I going to survive without my daily rate of junk food?" Magnus lamented. "It's as if every time that I come home and she's been around, my fridge has been raided. I'm not niggard, but no one has the permission to steal my food, regardless of how long I've known that person."

Alec found himself unable to think of an acceptable response.

"Oh well," Magnus sighed, stepping aside to let Alec in. "At least she didn't take the glitter."

Magnus's loft was quite overwhelming. It was big, Alec supposed, although the real size of the room was probably demagnified by the fact there was stuff everywhere. One wall was filled entirely with shelves holding a large number of books, while the other side of the room was flowing over with cloths and textiles and garments and sewing things. It looked a bit like a mix of a library and a studio which had been supposed to be separated once but had flown into each other. A little further in the back, there were some big, comfy looking sofas of quite an alarming shade of pink and a large flat screen TV in front of what looked like a fake fireplace.

It was nothing what Alec had thought it would be like, and yet everything about it screamed Magnus.

"Sorry," Magnus said from behind him. "I know it's messy. I had intended to tidy up a little, but I pulled a nightshift yesterday to get my shit done and then I just slept through most of the day. Plus, whenever I try to organise things I end up not finding them when I need them the next time. Well, you know what they say. 'Only a fool tidies up, a genius rules over chaos.'"

Alec smiled. "I don't mind it at all. It fits you."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"It was. I like it."

Magnus grinned. "Would you like some coffee?"

"Coffee would be nice, thanks."

"Okay, I'll be back in a sec," Magnus said, gesturing him to sit down. "Make yourself at home." He sashayed through a door into what Alec assumed to be the kitchen and returned not even a minute later with two mugs. "Had a nice day so far?" he inquired as he sat down next to Alec.

Alec sighed. "It was boring."

Magnus chuckled. "Yeah, school tends to be like that. But rejoice, it will be over soon. Have you already told your parents about your plans to study literature?"

Once again, Alec was surprised by how much Magnus remembered of their conversations. He shook his head. "I haven't seen them since."

Magnus raised one eyebrow questioningly, silently urging him to elaborate.

"They aren't around much. And when they aren't on business trips, they work long hours." Alec shrugged helplessly. "I don't even know when I had the last real conversation with them. I think it was when Jace got detention for the third time within two weeks and the principal called them, but I'm not sure."

"And when exactly was that?"

Alec frowned and tried to remember. "A month and a half ago, I think..."

It didn't look as if Magnus liked that answer, but he didn't comment on it. "And what did they want you to do? Play you brother's nanny?"

"Pretty much, yeah. But that's nothing new. I'm used to playing his babysitter. It's just always been like that." He looked at the older boy curiously. "What are your parents like?"

He realised that had been the wrong thing to say the second that Magnus's face froze.

"They're dead," he replied curtly.

Alec had the strangest sense of a déjà-vu; this was the second time in as many weeks that he heard that. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ask-"

"Don't apologize," Magnus interrupted him and took a deep breath. "It's okay. You couldn't know that. It happened a long time ago, anyway."

Alec examined him more closely. "Do you...want to talk about it?" he asked hesitantly. Magnus certainly didn't look like he didn't want to talk about it. He didn't really look like he wanted to speak about it, either, though. Or maybe Alec was just misinterpreting the signs. That happened to him a lot, as he wasn't always the most apt person when it came to emotional breakdowns and problems and relationships in general.

"Yes. No. Maybe." Magnus sighed. "Yes."

Then he fell silent again, staring into his mug as if it held the answer to all the important questions in the world. Alec waited patiently.

"I was only four when my mother died," he began finally. "I hardly remember her. She killed herself, you know? Hung herself in the barn. I still don't know why. My father said it was because she had depressions, but I think it wasn't only that. He hit her frequently, as far as I know."

"Did he hit you, too?" Alec blurted out. He hadn't meant to interrupt Magnus, but the words had left his mouth too fast for him to stop himself.

Luckily, Magnus didn't seem to be annoyed by his questions. "Sometimes," he said vaguely.

There was a bitter tone in his voice that made Alec think there was more to it than Magnus was telling him. 'Sometimes' probably didn't even begin to cover it. "Sometimes?" Alec parroted.

"Only when he was drunk."

Alec swallowed. "Was he drunk often?"

"Yeah." Magnus shifted on the couch, folding his legs underneath him Indian-style. "He died when I was ten. Car accident. He was completely hammered and lost control over his car. Ended up wound around a tree, basically. I've lived in various foster families since then, until I was old enough to get a place of my own." He continued to stare ahead, not really looking at anything. "I was relieved when the police told me he was dead."

Again, Alec was at a loss for words.

All of a sudden, Magnus let out a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and choked breath. "I can't believe I'm telling you this," he murmured. "Now you probably think I'm an asshole."

"No, not at all," Alec said. "It's perfectly understandable. I would have been glad, too. To be honest...this may sound weird, but...but I am glad he's gone. I'm glad he doesn't have a chance to hurt you anymore."

Magnus's head shot up and he looked straight at Alec for the first time since the beginning of their conversation. Surprise was clear in his eyes, mixed with something else that Alec couldn't quite identify. Relief, maybe, or gratefulness for not being judged. There was no anger for him saying something bad about his father, though, which Alec was glad about. He had already feared to have said something he shouldn't have, but the small, startled smile spreading over Magnus's face told him it was alright.

For a moment, Magnus's smile was completely unguarded, and despite the sadness in his eyes he looked so beautiful that Alec's heart fluttered in his chest. Then Magnus broke the eye contact and the moment was gone.

"I've never told anyone about this," he mumbled.

"No one?" Alec asked, taken aback. "Not even your girlfriend?"

"Excuse me?" Magnus blinked. "Which girlfriend?"

"Do you have several?" Alec replied dryly, convinced that Magnus had just snapped back to his former self and was toying with him. Secretly, he was glad about the change of topic. Seeing Magnus that depressed made him feel uncomfortable, because he didn't know how to comfort him. It was a side of Magnus he hadn't been prepared to see, and he wasn't sure how to react to it.

"What? No. I think I would have noticed that. Whoever are you talking about?"

He looked genuinely confused, so he decided to elaborate. "Camille," Alec clarified. "I thought that was obvious."

Magnus frowned. "She's not my girlfriend."

"She isn't?" Alec asked, bewildered, trying to ignore the small part of his brain that was freaking the fuck out and making his insides do some happy dances. "I thought..." he trailed off, leaving the rest of the sentence unfinished, hoping that Magnus would let it slide.

Unfortunately, Magnus was having none of that. "Why would you think that?" he asked curiously.

Alec cleared his throat, shifting uncomfortably on the couch. "I saw you at the party," he explained. "You seemed very close. I just assumed...well. And she was here, so..."

Magnus's smile widened, and the mischievous spark returned to his eyes. "Will you assume that everyone you meet in my flat has a relationship with me?" he chuckled. "If yes, then what does that make us?"

Alec blushed, and managed to choke on his own saliva.

Magnus doubled over with laughter. "You're so easy to tease."

Alec, who had in the meantime regained his breath, just scowled at him, but found that his glare wasn't as intense as he would have wanted it to be. It was impossible to stay angry at Magnus when he was smiling like that.

"Well then," said Magnus, "now that we have established that I do not have a girlfriend but am apparently a polygamist trying to seduce all of my guests and have already discussed a fair share of sob stories, what would you like to do? Are you hungry?"

"Actually, I am. But I don't want to -"

Magnus cut him off quickly. "You really have to stop apologizing or saying that you don't want to be an inconvenience, Alec. It complicates things. Italian?"

In the course of the next three hours, they succeeded in making a total mess out of the kitchen by cooking pasta and trying to bake some cookies with a dough mix they had found in the back of one of the cupboards whose date of expiry dates back several years but still tasted good aside from the ones which were burnt because they had been talking and laughing so hard that they had forgotten to take them out in time. It was very easy talking to Magnus, almost effortless, once Alec had overcome his awkwardness. They talked about books and movies and music and family and countries they wanted to travel to and embarrassing childhood stories and everything in between. Alec thought he hadn't enjoyed himself that much since...well, ever. In fact, he enjoyed himself so much that he forgot about the time entirely, and his mouth dropped open when he took a look at his watch and realised it was almost ten.

"Shit," he cursed. "I have to go."

"I'll walk you out." Magnus got up from his chair. "We should do that again," he said as he opened the door. "I had fun tonight."

"Me, too."

"Text me?"

"I will," Alec stepped out of the door. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Alec skipped down the stairs, unable to suppress the giddy feeling taking over him. Deep inside, he knew it was ridiculous, because even though Magnus was not with Camille that wasn't any indication that he'd have any chance, but he felt great.

When he reached his home, neither Jace nor Izzy could be seen, and he slipped inside as quietly as possible, managing to reach his room without drawing their attention to him. When he got undressed to change into his pyjamas, the letter lying on his desk caught his eye.

He hadn't yet had the chance to bring his next letter to the library, but had intended to do so the following day. But would that even make sense now? Alec bit his lip. Until tonight, he'd felt like he liked both Magnus and the person writing the letters, and had even considered giving his secret admirer a chance. But now...

Alec raked his fingers through his hair. The initial situation and condition hadn't changed much, even now that he knew that Magnus wasn't dating Camille, but something else had. Now that he thought about it, he found that maybe his feelings had changed. Or rather, he'd become more aware of them. He really liked Magnus.

So what should he do now? Accept that he didn't have a chance with Magnus and proceed to write to his secret admirer, hoping that maybe something would happen between them? Or take his chance and try to start something with Magnus, even though he didn't know whether he had any chance at all or whether they'd never be more than friends, even though he was almost completely sure he would fail? Whatever his choice was, he couldn't go on pining for both of them. It simply wouldn't be fair to either of them.

His decision was made surprisingly fast. He took a piece of paper and scribbled down:

I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do this anymore. I met someone I really like, and it wouldn't be fair to you to let you go on hoping that this might turn into something more than it is now, or to just be friends and have you watch while I'm in love with someone else.

I'm sorry.

Alec.

.

He brought the letter to the library on Tuesday. On Wednesday, he found another letter lying on his doorstep when he wanted to go to school. The letter was short, just two lines in the by now very familiar script.

Meet me at Long Beach on Saturday.

Please. Just so that we have met once. I promise I'll leave you alone after that, if you wish to, but I think you have a right to know who I am.

A/N.: Only one chapter to go. Whoooo.

I don't know when I'll be able to publish it, though. It's not written yet, and since I have to help my mother with moving and renovating/painting/papering her new flat, I probably won't have much time to write. Next weekend, probably. Review anyway, please?

Dftba,

Dustland-Fairytales