Dagless, Liz and Sanchez stood on the roof and tried to agree on a plan of action. None of them were surprised when Thornton Reed arrived on the scene. He was a very hands on administrator and whenever there was evil lurking at Darkplace, he was there with his trusty shot gun. He loved his hospital and he would never let it fall into the pit of hell. It made for a paperwork nightmare but as long as good prevailed, Reed knew he had done his job well.

"Hey, there. You may not have noticed but our hospital is being taken over by a small army of giant, super intelligent rats," Reed snapped, "And where are my best doctors? Having a little chat on the roof. Just what I wanted to see, I think not."

"Whoa, there, chief," intervened Sanchez, "We three are trying to come up with a plan to defeat these rats. Come join us."

"I apologize. I should never have doubted the three of you," Thornton said, his eyes becoming misty, "You are the three best damned doctors on my team and probably in most of England as well. I hope you have some good ideas because things are looking bleak. Mankind is about to be taken over by hyper-intelligent rats and I need to take 5,000 pounds out of the budget by Friday! I'll tell you, there is no rest for the wicked."

Shakespeare, thought Dagless.

"I think I might have the answer," Liz said, so excited she forgot that no one likes a girl who is too pleased with herself, "These rats are all diabetic, right?"

"For God's sake, Liz," wailed Sanchez, "We've been over that already They have diabetes!"

"Hey, now," warned Reed, "Cool your jets. You are speaking to a lady."

Sanchez looked into Liz's tearful eyes and apologized, "I'm sorry, Liz. It's my damnable Latin temper. I'm just feeling very frustrated that my diabetes medicine doesn't work and that I left the cap off the growing serum and the hospital and possibly the world is about to be taken over my giant rats. I'm feeling very irritable and a bit embarrassed at the moment."

"That's understandable," Dagless said, resting a manful hand on Sanchez's shoulder, "It's okay for a man to have and express feelings these days. We aren't Neanderthals."

"Hey," cried Sanchez, "I was a Neanderthal for a while and I was still a damned good doctor, if you remember, thank you very much."

Dagless, Sanchez and Reed shared a hearty laugh at the memory of when half the staff at Darkplace had devolved into ape-like creatures. The reminded Liz of how she had climbed on Reed's desk and hurled poo at them all and she cried from embarrassment. Liz could be such a big girl.

"Hey," said Dagless, "I think Liz was on to something a while ago. Of course, she is now a weeping mess and completely useless but I imagine we can piece together what she was thinking."

"Indeed," agreed Sanchez as Liz whimpered, "She mentioned the rats are all diabetic. How can that possibly be used that to our advantage?"

"I have an auntie who is diabetic. She's always sweating and fainting," offered Dagless, "These rats can't be skilled at managing their diabetes yet, they haven't had long enough to evolve and use insulin to regulate their blood sugar."

"That's true," Sanchez agreed, "I've had a lot of patients who are just ridiculous when it comes to their diabetes. I asked a lady yesterday, I asked her, 'Do you want to lose a toe?' I did, I asked her. I used those words because she was eating a cupcake in my office..."

"Yes, Sanchez," Dagless interrupted, "I know your work in diabetes is inspired by your personal experiences with diabetic idiots but you have to let that hatred go.*"

"But if you're going to eat a tub of ice cream, why not at least up your insulin for the night?" Sanchez continued, becoming more hysterical than Liz until Dagless had to slap him across his handsome face.**

"Sorry, Dag. My rage towards diabetics can be strange and disproportionate. While I was working at the diabetes clinic, I was also in an emasculating relationship with a very large and angry woman. She was beautiful but, god, was she angry. Perhaps those feelings of humiliation fueled my anger to poorly controlled diabetics."

"I'll have to write that in needlepoint on a decorative throw pillow," sneered Dagless, wanting nothing to do with all these namby-pamby feelings. Dagless only cared about one feeling. Pain. His pain.

"Hey you guys, quit your bickering," Thorton Reed yelled, "At this moment we have giant rats trying to take over the hospital and possibly the world and the two of you are engaging in a pissing contest. I won't have it. After you've saved the hospital, and the world I might add, we can get out the tape measure and find out whose the big man. I don't think either of you want to get into a dick measuring contest with me. You know what they say***."

"Reed is right," agreed a now calmer Liz, "I don't care for his metaphor, but you are bickering when you should be thinking of ways to stop these horrible rats from taking over the hospital."

Sanchez hung his head in shame, "I'm sorry, Dagless, let's work together. Buddy."

Dagless gave his friend a firm handshake, "We both know there is no point in the two of us competing. I always win."

"That you do, Buddy," Sanchez agreed, "That you do."

xxx

Publisher's notes from Dean Learner

*I asked Garth, several times, to change this line so this it doesn't imply all diabetics are idiots. Garth told me that, as a writer, he couldn't go back and change a word. Not even if it was spelled wrong.

**Garth wants it to be perfectly clear that Dagless can appreciate Sanchez as a handsome man without having homosexual feelings towards the man. Why wouldn't Dagless notice Sanchez is handsome? Todd River's has shiny hair like a pony and his eyes sear your soul. The most important thing to know is that Dagless is heterosexual but if he were to engage in a homosexual relationship with Sanchez, Dagless would always be "the man". That's not to say Sanchez would have to be "the woman" but Dagless would certainly, always be "the man" in the relationship. Anyone inspired to write fan fiction for this show should be sure to get this fact right or you will just be a sloppy writer, thank you.

*** It is a stereotype that black men have larger penises than white men, one that is not entirely based on fact. I understand there are some black men out there who are not well endowed. I have never met one of these gentlemen but I would not be adverse to making the acquaintance of one and learning about his life experience.

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Eventually the doctors realized that the rats would need to be put into diabetic comas. In order to do this, they found novelty over-sized syringes and filled them with sugar water. Through a series of events they were able to locate the rats. After a lengthy struggle, Sanchez and Liz are overpowered by the rats and taken hostage while only Dagless remained free to save them. Worried about his friends being killed by rats and the world being taken over by rats, Dagless went to visit the Padre.

xxx

Snuggles was beginning to have second thoughts about taking over the world and killing mankind.

"Surely, they can't all be evil. Perhaps we can live in peace," Snuggles suggested.

"What?" Blinky cried, "Humans are disgusting! They do their business in beautiful porcelain swimming pools that they call toilets. They are disgusting!"

"I guarantee that even the best humankind has to offer would beat us unconcious and put a bullet through our eyes as soon as speak to us," agreed Fluffy.

Snuggles shook his head sadly. His cohorts were so cynical.

Or were they wise?

xxx

Dagless and the Padre had been friends for years and yet, the Padre remained a riddle, wrapped in a mystery in an enigma.*

"I suppose you've heard?" Dagless asked.

The Padre's face was peaceful and his body language was relaxed as he lay on the ground, doing leg lifts along with Jane Fonda.

The Padre counted, "3, 2, and 1," before pausing the video and standing up.

"About the rats?" the Padre asked, "Yes, I've heard. I've been hearing confession for hours. A lot of people are afraid of dying with their souls un-cleansed and burning in hell for eternity. It was really bringing me down and I had to slip away. Get a little natural high from a good work-out."

"No need to explain yourself, Padre. I know you aren't just some pervy creep watching Jane jumping about and jiggling for cheap thrills," Dagless assured the man of the cross.

The Padre shifted and pulled at his white color, "Yeah. Yeah. I'm not interested in... jiggling? I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

"We were talking about the rats taking over the hospital and, one assumes, the world afterwards. I think I need the Big Man on my side for this one," Dagless explained, "For once, I don't think I can do this on my own."

The Padre nodded, "The Lord has probably had a time of it, till now, just having to sit back and watch you fighting evil on your own. He does like to help, you know. Have you read this poem about footprints?"

"Usually, the Big Man can save his help for other, less resourceful men but this time - I think I need a little extra help."

The Padre nodded thoughtfully.

"I think I have something that will help. A religious relic we store here at Darkplace. The Pope himself asked me to take it into my keeping to protect Darkplace. He said I would know when the time would arrive."

"How do you know it's time?" Dagless asked, hoping this religious relic was some kind of weapon, preferably a gun.

"He told me," The Padre's dark eyes were wide with amazement, "that Darkplace would be overrun with huge rats. I thought it was going to be a flood bringing river rats or maybe it would be some kind of metaphorical rat as in a business person of poor character.

"You would think that because those answers are far more likely than life sized rats engaging in a hostile takeover," Dagless said in a reassuring tone, "But you forgot one thing."

"What is that, Dagless?"

"This is Darkplace. Anything can happen here."

*Churchill, Winston

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It turned out what the Padre had to give Dagless was, in fact, a gun.

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