It'll always be Drizzle to me. Who's Beth?
Quinn spent most of the day thinking about Drizzle.
It was a circular thinking process. One minute she would be sitting in class, then her hand would go to her stomach, her thumb would start rubbing up and down as a way of comforting her unborn baby, and then the thinking would start. Touching her stomach was almost an instinctual reaction at this point, but she normally didn't get lost in thought so easily.
It was because of the Day of Silence, of course. The reason they were doing it was planted firmly in the back of her mind, entering into her otherwise normal, unrelated thoughts when it was least wanted. Her thoughts about baby Drizzle were no exception.
It was exhausting, having the same emotional battle with yourself over and over all day long. She didn't have any good distractions either; none of the glee club were talking, none of her old Cheerio teammates ever stopped to say hello. She almost wished someone would hurl an insult at her, just to break the unbearable silence. But they didn't. She had become invisible, worthless, not even deserving of a raised eyebrow.
So when Quinn went to glee practice, she hoped that Mr. Schue would have something for them to do that would break the monotony. She knew they couldn't sing, but maybe they would work on new dance steps or something. Anything to give her mind a break.
She wanted to strangle Schue when he wrote on the board what he wanted them to do.
Take out your notebooks and a pencil and write about your day.
It didn't say if they were going to share them. It didn't say if he was going to collect them. It said next to nothing, just write about your day. Quinn could write that her day was horrible and she hated Mr. Schue for taking away one of the few things she had left, but that would be a lie. She had chosen to do this. Her choice.
My choice.
Just like she had chosen to keep baby Drizzle, to not snuff out a tiny life before it had even began. Just like she had chosen to lie to Finn, to not tell the truth from the beginning. Just like she had chosen to start making amends, to start practicing what she was preaching.
She got out her notebook and a pencil and started writing.
Have you ever had one of those days where your mind continues to be focused on one thing? It never strays, only for a few minutes here and there, but you're stuck in the same circle of thought all day long. That's exactly what my day was like.
I started thinking about Drizzle. I've chosen to give her up for adoption. I can't take care of a baby, no matter who decides to help me. I'm not ready to be a mom. I need to do what's right for my kids, the one I'm having now and the one's I'll have later. If I drop out of school now and try to take care of Drizzle, that wouldn't be fair to her. I wouldn't be able to provide for her like an adoptive family would. And any kids that I would have later would have to grow up with a mother who's not properly educated. It's not fair to anyone if I don't take care of myself, make myself the best I can be here and now so that I'm ready to be a proper mother once the time comes.
But then I started to wonder what sort of girl Drizzle will grow up to be. You know, the type of stuff that genetics won't do for you. I don't know her adoptive parents yet. I don't know how old they are, if they have any other kids, where they live, what sort of jobs they have. All that will affect my baby. That will be the life she lives and I can't change any of that. As soon as she's born, her life is out of my hands. And that's scary. I'm carrying this precious life for nine months only to entrust complete strangers with the rest of her life?
She's going to look like Puck. I can feel it. What if her adoptive parents take one look at her, then at me, then decide they don't want her? What if they were expecting a little golden-haired princess, someone who looks exactly like me? That might have happened if Finn really had been the father, but no way with Puck. And what if she takes after Puck's personality too? What if she turns into a little rebellious monster and her adoptive family decides they don't want her? Can they give her back? Or would she go into foster care?
I know this isn't what I'm supposed to be worrying about on Day of Silence. I should have been more affected by the actual issue, but it's hard to focus on what's happening in the world when you have another life right below your fingertips. A lot of thought comes with that kind of responsibility.
I wonder what will happen if Drizzle is a lesbian. I wondered that a lot today, actually. More than usual. I wonder about a lot of things, like whether she'll be a lesbian, what political party she'll stand for, what her grades will be like, if she'll ever get cancer, if she'll ever need an organ transplant. A lot of things. But today I worried a lot about what might happen if she's a lesbian.
I know what I would do if I kept her and that happened. I would have a talk with her, not to try and change her mind, but to make sure that she knows what she wants. I'd have the same conversation with any of my kids once they started dating, so don't think I'm a homophobe. But I would tell her what the world is like to girls like her, what can happen. I would make sure she knows what she's getting herself into. Then I would tell her that I love her and that I will support her no matter what. She's my baby Drizzle and I love her.
Will her adoptive parents be as accepting? Will they have someone like Kurt that they can call up and say, 'Talk to my daughter. She's a lesbian,' when she's being bullied at school? Will they have the courage to let her be whoever she wants or will they make her hide it? Will they abandon her? Will they kick her out of her own house?
I'm scared for my baby. I know it's normal and natural and that it makes sense, but it doesn't feel normal. It feels like I'm worrying too much and that I'm stressing myself out too much. Drizzle is worth every bit of worry, though. I just hope her adoptive parents can see that, no matter what.