Chapter Ten
Beckett woke with a stiff neck on an uncomfortable, lumpy couch.
The familiar smells and sounds lulled her out of sleep gradually; it was entirely too familiar. Shifting to lie on her back, she rolled her neck for a moment to work out the kinks before staring absently up at the yellowed tiles of the panel ceiling above her.
She always had the same thought of the old school police officers having a smoke break with their cigarettes and huge cigars when she looked up at the smoke-stained ceiling tiles.
2,601 holes in all of them, except that one on the left that was a little whiter than the rest, it had 2,401. She was certain because she counted that one more often than she counted the others. Forty-nine rows, forty-nine columns. The other tiles had fifty-one of each.
She felt like that tile sometimes, like she was different from all the rest, as if she was missing something everyone else had.
She didn't feel that way last night. Her stomach tightened at the realization and despite her desire to get up and get to work she felt herself going through the previous night for a few moments, not sure how she should feel about the experience.
She had drove Castle home in silence, though he would occasionally reach over to brush her arm with his fingers as if he were double-checking that she was there. With mock exasperation, she moved one of her hands off the steering wheel, pulled the glove off with her teeth and took his hand in hers.
She could still feel the slight tremble in his digits and the tension in his body as he sat next to her. She refused to comment on either as they made their way through the less crowded streets and snow fell silently around them.
She had the random thought that outside the car was a good parallel to inside, peaceful but dangerous.
He released her hand when they got out of the car, but took it up again as they made their way inside. She vaguely thought this was an intimate gesture. This was something she shouldn't be participating in. Instead of worry about it, she brushed it off as she felt the waves of tension still rolling off him.
This was about comfort, not intimacy and she understood the need that others had to seek that comfort, even if she didn't let herself do the same thing. She might not ask for this type of reassurance, but that didn't mean she hadn't been tempted to and that didn't mean she wouldn't be there to give it.
As soon as Castle opened the door to his apartment, she was practically tackled by Alexis. The girl hugged her and Kate wasn't sure she had ever been hugged like that before.
It wasn't just a calm 'how you doing?' hug of greeting like she got from her father whenever she saw him. It wasn't like a post-coital lover's embrace. It wasn't like the comforting hugs her mom gave her when she had skinned her knee as a child or got her heart broken as a teen.
It was almost violent in its intensity and Kate was struck by the power behind it.
Instinctively her arms came up to circle the teen, one around her back, the other guiding her face into the crook of Kate's shoulder. Without conscious thought, she felt her hand stay on the girl's head a moment before stroking gently down her hair as she shushed Alexis. She spoke in quiet whispers that were probably nonsense, as she repeated, "It's ok, honey, it's ok." Repeatedly, she spoke those words and made that gesture until she felt the girl's trembling finally subside.
It struck her later how odd that act was, but in the moment, it had just felt right.
She glanced at Castle, still standing close beside her and she could see the tension tick in his jaw as he clenched his teeth. She suddenly felt that perhaps she was overstepping. Was he mad that she was holding his daughter like this?
She was about to pull away, however reluctantly, when she felt Alexis loosen her grip and start to move away herself. Kate surprised herself by feeling as if she wasn't ready to let go.
Kate was about to step back, but Alexis still held her firmly with her left arm while her right reached out to her dad in invitation. She caught Castle's expression over his daughter's head and could tell he was fighting with himself on the decision, so she made it for him.
She reached out and grabbed his jacket, gently pulling him forward, noting the hint of a grateful smile on one side of his mouth. She didn't let go and actually tightened her hold on his jacket when he finally wrapped his arms around both of them.
Beckett felt the tension leave his body with a heavy sigh that ghosted across her ear as he rested his cheek on Alexis' head and then leaned just a little further to touch his forehead to Kate's temple.
This was the reaffirmation he had obviously needed in order to free himself from the dark emotional cloud that had been blanketing him since that phone call earlier. She wasn't going to pull away. Surprisingly she didn't want to.
It was odd to her now, lying in the break room on the old worn out couch, with the early morning sun starting to filter in through the windows. It was peculiar how she had not been tense in that moment. In the moments that followed, perhaps she was a little more distant and reserved, but not during, not while they stood there gaining strength from her and her from them.
Perhaps it was the overwhelming sense of belonging that she had to stamp down as soon as the three of them broke apart.
Perhaps it was the familiar feeling of family that she hadn't really felt like she was missing until that moment.
She hadn't realized she was so close to them, that she could affect them in such a way. She hadn't put much thought into it at all really and thinking about it now made her feel the familiar ache of confusion and the desire to brush it off and move on as if it hadn't happened at all.
She should definitely brush off what Castle did later, what he said to her, what she said to him. She just couldn't shake the sound of his voice in her ears, the warmth of him and the heat of his breath on her neck. Thinking about it now made her tingle and her mind started to wander to thoughts that were less warm and fuzzy and more hot and steamy.
Then the phone call that had her falling asleep with a smile on her face.
Feeling completely ridiculous, she shook off the errant thoughts and got up from the uncomfortable couch. She headed down to the locker room to get ready for the day, hoping a shower and a change would give her a fresh and more focused perspective on the day.
x.x.x
Rick Castle woke feeling rested and content.
The weight of his daughter's head on his shoulder and the warm cocoon of the comforter slung over the both of them kept him from getting up right away. He lay back in the comfort of their makeshift campout spot on the couch and let his mind wander over the events of the previous night with a distance that he hadn't had while emotion was coursing through him.
He had run the gamut of emotions that night. From scared to devastated when he saw the state of her apartment. From hopeful to angry when he saw her and then Esposito. At some point, relief took the forefront as it all sank in.
Sitting in her car, he couldn't stop himself from reaching out. Making sure he hadn't dreamed the resolution to something that had been so vivid, so real and frightening. She surprised him by reaching over to take his hand, the warmth moved through the chill that had set in after that phone call and he finally started to feel sure that she was there.
He accepted this sign of life, though he wanted to pull her into his arms and hold her close. This thought, frustrated him and ratcheted up the tension he was feeling after what felt like a close call.
He knew she wouldn't allow him a moment to hold her like he needed to, so he accepted the small gesture and wasn't willing to let her revoke it until they were standing outside his apartment door.
Once they were inside, Alexis attacked Kate in her excitement and to his surprise, she didn't shy away. She held on tight and rode the wave of teenage emotion, quietly soothing his daughter and gently stroking her hair.
He felt his chest tighten with emotion as he watched them, standing right in front of him. If he took a single step he would be there with them, but this was their moment. This wasn't about him; this was about Kate and Alexis.
No matter how much he wished he could be included, just to hold them and know everything was all right, the moment seemed to pass.
Alexis was pulling away, but stopped and he looked at her hand, outstretched for him to join. Yet, still he hesitated. He knew accepting a hug from a crying teenage girl was different than getting one from a grown man who had an equal desire to be crying in that moment, though he was proud of himself for fighting it.
As much as he wanted to be included in their moment, he couldn't bring himself to take the opening Alexis offered. Beckett wouldn't approve, in fact, he knew she would probably sock him in the arm for asking and then roll her eyes like it was some ploy to grope her, though that was the furthest thing from his mind.
He caught eyes with Beckett over Alexis' head and couldn't seem to look away. When Kate reached out and grabbed his coat to pull him over to them, he thought he might be in shock. It took three tiny, tentative steps to cover the distance.
Once he had his arms around them both and rested his head against his daughter's hair, he felt himself immediately relax.
This was real. Kate was safe. Everyone was ok, and he finally actually believed it as sights and sounds, scents and feelings combined in a heady swarm of emotion.
Together they held Alexis, but he was the one who ended up pulling away from the embrace. .
Perhaps it was the way her fist continued tightly holding his jacket, occasionally twitching against his chest. Perhaps it was noticing that her side was pressed flush against the front of him as he registered and locked away every curve he could feel. Perhaps it was just that he had finally rid himself of the numbness of the evening and was finally feeling again as if for the first time.
He didn't know what it was that had this comforting position suddenly sending a tingle through him that made his fingers itch with the urge to touch her skin. He let his hand travel from Kate's shoulder, slowly up to the curve of her neck. Soft warmth met his fingertips as he felt her hair gently tickle across the back of his hand.
The contact reaffirmed she was here and alive as he felt her pulse beating against his fingers from her delicate neck.
It wasn't until he caught a hint of cherries from her skin that his breath caught on a sudden realization that he had actually never galvanized into a thought. He would have never gotten that bittersweet connection to her out of his mind. He found a fondness in the scent of cherries before tonight, but had she really been gone, it would have haunted him.
Feeling as if he was about to lose control of the emotions he had been keeping tramped down effectively until this point, he pulled away earning a questioning look from his daughter. He felt bad for breaking the moment when he watched each of them take a step back from each other.
"Kate," he heard his voice crack slightly over her name, one he rarely used, but didn't seem to be able to filter out in his current state. Fighting the urge to clear his throat and make this all the more awkward, he continued. "We have some leftover lasagna if you're hungry?" He wondered if his voice was wavering as much as it sounded like in his own ears, but brushed it off and moved to the kitchen without waiting for a response.
After a dinner that was closer to a midnight snack, she said she needed to get to the precinct. He was surprised she stayed as long as she had, but that didn't mean he liked the idea of her leaving.
It took a few extra minutes to convince Alexis that she needed to get back to work to figure this out, even if it was almost midnight.
"Couldn't you stay?" the girl asked, leaving him wondering if she could read his mind, but knowing the outcome either way.
With a last hug, this one brief, Alexis finally let Kate out the door.
He walked her to her car, not that he could do anything to protect her, but more for his own peace of mind. After she unlocked her car she moved to open the door, but he stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.
He guided her to face him again and pulled her back away from her car. He hadn't thought about what he was doing, but he knew he couldn't just let her walk away. He knew tomorrow she would act like none of this happened and try to push it back into its little organized box in her brain, and that gave him the courage to take a risk.
She didn't resist as he pulled her to him. She didn't hit him when he pulled her back into his arms. She didn't threaten to shoot him as his arms tightened around her and he buried his face in her neck, holding on, as he had wanted to do since the moment he saw her standing alive and well in her apartment.
She did tense for a moment, but then he felt her arms circling him. One rubbed gently on his back as if she were soothing a child, which was fairly close to accurate in this moment, the other ghosted across his shoulder and came to rest at the nape of his neck, fingers gently toying with the short hairs at the base of his skull as her head came to rest on his shoulder.
"I'm glad you're alright." He whispered, his throat tight with the weight of the emotions on his already fragile state. He could blame this on his exhaustion and lack of any kind of sleep recently. That made him brave. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."
He felt her shift, worried he pushed her too far, worried she might be pulling away. He loosened his grip slightly so she didn't feel trapped, but she was turning her face towards him, not moving away. She didn't lift her head; instead, she seemed to burrow deeper into his chest, her face soft against the side of his neck and her breath warm as she responded, "I'm not going anywhere, Castle."
It was such a contrast to how she normally said his name that he was momentarily distracted. Normally, his name on her tongue was a command, a biting reprimand, or just sounded like the dirtiest swearword he could imagine.
Tonight it sounded like a caress.
She finally pulled away, before the hug moved past comforting to either awkward or more than comfort. Her hand on his neck was the last part of her touching him and he felt it start to move, already missing the warmth.
She gently let her hand stroke around from the back of his neck until it was resting on his cheek. It took him several seconds to realize she was trying to get him to look up from the ground he had been intently staring at.
When his eyes finally met hers, he saw something unexpected, remorse.
"I'm sorry." She said, and then he must have been blatantly advertising his confusion across his face, because she quietly added, "I should have called you."
He shrugged, because the way the night had turned out, he wasn't so sure that it had been such a bad thing, except for the toll it took on his blood pressure.
He didn't have any other response and she apparently had nothing else to say as she let her hand fall and turned back to her car. He stopped her from closing it once she was inside.
Knowing that when she got out of her car again it would be at the precinct surrounded by other police officers, he reluctantly let her go. "Could you call me when you get inside?" seeing the raised eyebrow and exasperation mixed with a hint of understanding on her face he hastened to add, "Just so Alexis doesn't worry." He watched her soften and she nodded before finally getting inside and driving off into the night.
She had called as promised, but by then Alexis had fallen asleep curled up with him on the couch. He thought it might be awkward after his mini-meltdown confession and her obviously heartfelt apology, but they had chatted for several minutes as she took care of updating the murder board and organizing their thoughts on the case.
It wasn't until almost an hour later that she had said, "People are going to start coming in here making noise in about five hours, so I have to try and get some sleep."
"Where's here?" he thought she was still in the bullpen.
"Couch in the break room. Home away from home." She had responded and he wished again that she had let him convince her to stay with him instead.
"You can't be comfortable there." He was shocked; he'd sat on that couch enough to know it was uncomfortable.
"It's not that bad, spend a lot of nights here actually."
"Hmm." He said, sure that disapproval was clear in his voice, "Guess I'll have to get the precinct a new couch for Christmas this year."
She laughed and he drank in the sound of it, "Night, Castle."
"Until tomorrow, Kate."
x.x.x
A/N: Was that too fluffy, or is it just me?
Don't expect updates to come this quickly normally. My original fic is giving me serious fits because I can't figure out how to get from where I'm at to where I need to go and I'm tempted to just drop my characters where I want them because it would be easier, though probably far from believable. Geez, ain't that a pain?
Review that made my day: viola555, Thank you for the kind words. It's always a struggle writing something we've never seen Castle or Beckett go through on the show, so I'm glad that you're still holding on and think I've kept them in character.
Thanks for reading.