New Kid in Town

Alright, enough doom and gloom. Time for the fun stuff.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The plane touched down on a private runway, where a white van was waiting on them. Percy couldn't read what was on the side, because of his dyslexia, but he was pretty sure it had something to do with strawberries. And the driver of the van had a lot of eyes on him.

"Percy, this is Argus. Camp Half-Blood's groundskeeper and security guard," Chiron introduced.

Percy waved. Argus waved back, showing that he had eyes on his palms and the undersides of his fingers. The son of Poseidon was awestruck by the eyes, something Argus seemed to take note of and regard with impress.

Chiron rolled himself into to the front seat, and Hedge climbed in behind Argus. After the second row that the satyr sat in, there was one more. Percy and Annabeth got in that row, Percy more following after the blonde than anything.

"Oh, so I'm not good enough for you, cupcakes?"

"You also smell funny, too," Annabeth said.

Hedge grumbled but didn't do anything else.

Percy looked to his new friend, the question in his eyes being if there was some kind of history between her and the satyr. Annabeth shook her head. "Just banter."

It wasn't raining in Manhattan, but it was cloudy. As such, Percy couldn't see the floating mountain above the Empire State Building, but that didn't stop Annabeth from looking at the airspace with eyes as grey as the clouds. Percy also had his own distaste for his surroundings. He had grown up in this city, and he brought back memories.

Memories of kids who bullied him because he couldn't read. Teachers who kicked him out of class because he was a disturbance, his ADHD making him unable to sit still. All the times something happened, some strange phenomenon, and he was blamed for it, expelled from school. They had tried to make him take medicine, behavioral suppressors, tried to make him like a zombie….

His body had burned through every pill and liquid they made him take.

Not everything dredged up from his subconscious was all bad, however, but the things that weren't bad made him want to cry a little, because they were all happy memories with his mother, who was dead, because his fat, fucking stepfather got fired, then drunk, then horny, and then he tried to force himself on Sally, only to be rejected by way of kitchen knife, which he had used to slit her throat after he was done ramming her from behind with her on all fours.

Percy felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, and that's when he realized there were tears in his eyes. He put his face into Annabeth's side, and sniffled a little. She let him stay where he was until he got it out of his system, getting her orange shirt all wet, but she didn't care.

If Annabeth had any tears left to shed, she would've been shedding them right along with the boy she was comforting.

A break in the clouds suddenly happened, and rays of warm sun hit just right inside the van to where Percy and Annabeth could feel them, and they both felt a sense of gentle caress about the both of them.

It made them feel better.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

By the time they got to Camp Half-Blood, as it was still a considerable drive from the airport to the Northern shore of Long Island, the clouds were mostly gone. Along the way, Chiron had asked if Percy needed a potty break, to which the demigod had mouthed with a weird expression, I'm twelve, not two. If I have to pee, I'll get out and go pee.

"Well, do you have to pee?"

No.

"Neither do I. Drive, Argus."

After the brief exchange, Annabeth had leaned down and whispered in Percy's ear. "If you were two it wouldn't have been a question of a potty break so much as a question of if you needed your diaper changed."

She poked his stomach and he stuck his tongue at her.

Anyway, since Argus feared taking the van through the barrier, some phobia that it would explode, and no one could convince him otherwise, everyone had to get out and go by foot. Which was for the best, since there was this rhythmic rumbling like something big getting closer very quickly.

Chiron, being a four thousand year old encyclopedia, correctly identified the coming creature based on duration of the thumps, the weight of the thumps, the musk in the air, and because he looked down the way and saw it coming.

"And me without my bow and arrows," the centaur muttered. "Everyone inside the border, now. We're not equipped to handle that one."

"Speak for yourself, cupcake!"

"Oh, Annabeth~."

The blonde nodded and pinched the satyr's neck in that magical sleep spot, then hoisted his dead weight over his shoulder like he was a sack of flour.

Despite the danger of the rapidly approaching legend, Annabeth, carrying Hedge, Argus, and Chiron all leisurely crossed into the magically protected property. It was the daughter of Athena that noticed the problem first.

"Where's Percy?"

They all whipped around to see the boy in question standing at the edge of the property, gun out and trained on the approaching monster. They couldn't see his face, but if they did, they would've seen the closed eye and scrunched features, and they would've laughed.

But they did not see his face, and they were filled with fear because of the assumption that Percy did not know that regular mortal bullets merely passed right through a monster. But, you know what they say about assuming things: it makes an ass out of you and me.

They all ran and made noise, trying to get Percy's attention, but he wasn't listening. Closer and closer came the Minotaur, louder and louder did its hoofbeats become. Percy say the beast's muscles, its pointed horns, the air on its body. He saw the savagery in its beady eyes, the mucus coming from its nose, the spittle from its mouth, but what he was really focused on was the pair of frilly red thong about the monster's hips, both of its sizeable testicles flopping about as he charged up the hill.

Percy had four thoughts:

Giving birth to that thing must've really hurt.

That thong was very out of place.

Based on the size of that dangling pair and the accompanying rod, getting laid by that thing would not be pleasant.

FIRE!

Percy pulled the trigger, and then a wonderfully rendered CGI animation happened, showing the hammer striking the firing pin, the pin ramming the primer, the primer igniting the powder, the flash of fire making the bullet go whizzing through the barrel, and then the slide shooting back, the cartridge flying out of the ejection port, and then the camera focused back on the bullet spiraling through the air at 1500 feet a second, and that's where the true kicker was: the bullet wasn't brass.

It was bronze.

The speeding little pebble plowed right through the minotaur's forehead, right through the skull, and the brain, and straight down the spinal column and right out the top of the ass crack.

A pair of horns smacked into the barrier while a spray of golden dust parted around Percy due to the bullet's kinetic energy. The audience behind the barrier there had varying reactions, with Chiron slack-faced, all of Argus' eyes being wide open, Hedge still unconscious, and Annabeth was just raising a brow.

Percy picked up the horns, examined them, and then tossed them over his shoulder without a care. He didn't need Minotaur horns for anything. He entered the property and tilted his head at the looks he was getting. Then he grinned and ejected the magazine, showing off the bullets therein.

Chiron let a gasp escape him. "Celestial bronze bullets. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to mold the metal into such a shape….Where did you get the metal, anyway?"

Percy shrugged.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Meanwhile, somewhere in Thailand

Balalaika was wearing a hardhat and saying things through a megaphone at an army of people digging about a scrapyard.

A mound of rubble started to shudder, and a big metal man stood up.

Balalaika put down the megaphone and was handed a rocket launcher, which she hefted and fired, blowing the Talos prototype's head clean off its shoulders. She put the rocket launcher down and was handed the megaphone.

"Alright, back to work everyone!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Chiron blinked. "You don't know where you got enough celestial bronze to work into bullets?"

Nope.

"…okay, then. Off we go."

From the vantage point of the hill they were on, the whole of the camp could be seen, and Percy's eyes shined at how awesome it all was…but we all know what Camp Half-Blood looks like so there's no point in describing it in any kind of detail. If you are new to the fandom, simply go to Google, there is a wellspring of information available to you.

The group managed to get to the Big House without being mobbed by curious campers.

Annabeth sat Hedge down in a chair, Argus went inside the farmhouse, and Chiron was following until Annabeth asked, "Do you want me to take Percy up to the attic?"

"No," Chiron said with such panic that Annabeth blinked. The centaur cleared his throat. "What I mean to say is, er…it would be best to get Mr. Jackson acclimated to this new environment first, introduce him to his peers so that he can start building friendships."

With that, Chiron wheeled himself inside, and the door was slammed shut.

Percy looked at Annabeth, deeply confused. But…if the Bolt is supposed to be returned by the summer solstice which is two weeks from now, shouldn't we get started on finding it right away?

"How correct of you, sea spawn."

Annabeth closed her eyes and exhaled through her nose. 'Great. He's here.'

Percy leaned behind the blonde's profile, and saw a pot-bellied man wearing an outrageous leopard-print button down, with shaggy brown hair, a full beard and mustache, and purple eyes. He was drinking a diet coke and lounging in a rocking chair.

Percy tugged on Annabeth's shirt and mouthed, Who's that?

"Who's that?" the flabby man said indignantly. "I see they don't teach about us very well on foreign soil."

The boy frowned.

"Percy," Annabeth said with measured restraint, "this is our co-camp director, Mr. D…also known as the god of wine, Dionysus."

Percy was instantly in the god's face, making the shaggy-haired deity blink.

Can I have some wine, please? Pleasepleaseplease? Pretty please?

"Huh?" was Dionysus' response. "Wine? Have you graduated from diapers yet?"

Percy unbuckled and dropped his shorts, making the god avert his eyes and Annabeth facepalm. The boy crossed his arms and huffed. Yes, I wear underwear.

"Technically speaking, a diaper is underwear, as you wear it, under your clothes…typically. I have seen mortals do strange things."

Percy pulled his shorts back into place. Have I ever told you that wine is my favorite thing to drink? And out of all the Olympians, you're my favorite.

"…I know you're playing me, but it's working." Then the wine god sighed. "Unfortunately, I am in trouble with my father. I cannot consume, conjure, or make any kind of wine for a century, and I am bound to this infernal camp for that same century. However, this sentence started in 1919, so I'm almost done."

What about whiskey?

Dionysus paused, then he looked Percy full in the eyes. "Are you gay?"

Uh, no.

"Damn. If you were I'd kiss you full on the mouth."

Percy's expression was one of discomfort.

Dionysus turned his diet coke can into a bottle of whiskey and conjured another for the twelve year old. "Cheers."

They clinked bottles and raised them to their lips. Annabeth practically teleported to Percy's side and snagged away the bottle. She put a finger in his face like he was a disobedient puppy. "No."

And like a puppy, Percy pouted.

For Dionysus, the whiskey turned to water as soon as it hit his mouth. The wine god slowly brought the bottle away with a look of deep revulsion. "You've got to be kidding me…"

A note suddenly poofed next to him, and he caught it as it fluttered to the ground. On the note it said No whiskey.

Dionysus stared at the handwriting, recognizing it as that of his father.

"No, whiskey? Okay." And like a petulant child challenging their parent's word despite all common sense saying otherwise. Dionysus turned the whiskey bottle into a scotch bottle, only for another note to pop up saying "no scotch."

And then a cycle ensued, with Dionysus turning the alcohol in his hand into something else, and notes popping up saying "no _."

The wine god tried Zeus' patience for the last time, and thunder boomed. A note popped up with a crackle of lightning, and this time the message was in all caps.

NO ALCOHOL AT ALL!

SENTENCE INCREASED BY TEN YEARS!

"CONFOUND IT ALL!" Dionysus roared. He reeled his arm back—Annabeth grabbed Percy and hunkered down—and hurled the bottle of rum at Mach speeds over the Sound. Then he turned his glowing purple eyes to Percy, because he was a god in trouble, and he needed someone to blame for this. "You! This is your fault! If you hadn't tempted me with other drinks, I wouldn't be in this situation! I'm gonna-"

SQUAAAK

A seagull croaked and flew unto the porch, alighting on the rocking chair Dionysus had been sitting it before he had stormed to his feet. The seagull's eyes glowed green, and he spoke in a voice that perfectly suited a seagull.

"Lord Poseidon, Earthshaker, Stormbringer, Father of Horses, and God of the Sea, issues this decree to Lord Dionysus, God of the Vine, Grape Harvest, Wine, Winemaking, Madness, Religious Ecstasy, and Theatre," the seagull cleared it throat, which made everyone cringe. Then it relayed its message.

"Try it, bitch. I'll flatten your ass like a pancake."

The seagull squawked and flew away.

Dionysus glowered, filling Percy's mind with images of men being turned into dolphins, which made Percy giggle because he thought it was funny, which made Dionysus even angrier because his attempts at intimidation were being laughed at.

"One day, κορίτσι, you'll pay for this."

The wine god dissolved into a bunch of bubbles that all popped and left behind the scent of grapes.

Percy glared at the bubbles. I'm not a girl. I don't want to be a girl. I never did, and I never will.

Annabeth just patted his head. "All evidence to the contrary. Come on. It's time to show you around. And brace yourself. People here are curious and lack filters."

Percy just raised a brow.

He had lived in Roanapur. He had walked down the street and watched someone get shot, only for literally no one to bat an eye. He had been walking down the street only to get involved in a shootout. He had even been walking down the street when some hookers tried to drag him into their place, and he gunned them all down.

Compared to that, a bunch of teenagers didn't seem like much of a problem.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It seemed the thunder clap earlier had scared everyone back into their cabins, so there wasn't much interaction between Percy and anyone besides Annabeth. She showed him the usual stuff, like the forges, the amphitheater, the sword arena, the stables, the armory, arts and crafts, the climbing wall, volleyball and basketball courts, and the roofless/walless mess hall.

She was saving the cabins for last, and the only other thing on the list was the archery range, which she took Percy to, and then promptly steered him away with haste, much to his confusion.

He didn't understand why some girls in silver tank tops and jeans would be cause for such an egress.

"Those are the Hunters of Artemis. They hate boys and men, and even though they hate Apollo, they still believe the sun shines out of their assholes, and that their crap doesn't smell. However, despite how much they praise the female as the superior sex, they despise boys who want to be turned into girls, take hormones to go trans, and crossdressers."

Percy blinked. I'm not a crossdresser, though.

He was right, despite how much all of you think otherwise. A crossdresser is someone who dresses in the clothes of the opposite gender, meaning a boy wearing girl clothes, or a girl wearing boy clothes. Percy's clothes were in fact boy clothes, as his shorts were tailored to allow room in the crotch for his junk, and his shirts were tailored to not allow room for breasts. The only thing he did was cut off the legs to an inch or two below his butt, and cut the sleeves and the bottom half of his shirts off, all in an imitation of Revy.

But he was not wearing girl clothes, so therefore not a crossdresser.

"I know that," Annabeth said. "You know that. But they don't know that, and you will never convince them otherwise. And if a fight breaks out between you and them, and you survive, you'll have Artemis on your butt, in addition to Dionysus. Two gods angry at you is not a good thing."

Percy pulled out his guns with a grin.

"And don't think those make you invincible. That's how you get killed."

Percy holstered them and stuck his tongue out.

Annabeth's hand snapped out with incredible speed and precision, taking hold of that tongue between her fingers. Percy's eyes popped out of his head as pain erupted from his tongue, and he couldn't work it out of Annabeth's grip, even with the saliva.

"And pointing your tongue out at the wrong person could get it cut off." Annabeth grabbed her knife and sliced up, letting go of Percy's tongue at the right moment so that he could pull it back in before he lost it. The blonde smirked at the accusatory look directed at her.

Before Percy could do make a comeback, he heard a young, female voice declare with way too much enthusiasm: "ZA WARUDO!"

There was this really weird sound accompanied by a ticking clock, before everything turned a dismal shade of gray, and froze. But Percy could still move and think, so he stood and looked to where he heard the voice come from, and he saw one of the Hunters.

She looked to be about his age, and her hair was white with black tips, and her eyes were a strange purple. She looked like she was contemplating something, like looking for the ups in something she found disappointing.

Percy waved at her.

She smiled thinly. "Hello, my name is Lucy."

Lucy was suddenly next to Percy, and he found he couldn't move. She started touching him, messing with his hair, gripping his arms and legs, tugging at his shorts, running a hand over his abs and pecs, taking out one of his guns and examining it. She even grabbed his butt and gave it a squeeze. All the while, she was talking to herself.

"Certainly not the most impressive one I've met, and you certainly have one of the lowest kill counts, but you do have the potential to be a spectacular Blood Goddess for me, if only you didn't have this. Still, genderbending is an easy spell, but I do that more for shits and giggles than for the plot, and you being a girl wouldn't bring me any fun because there wouldn't be much difference between male you and female you…but I would get to work on making you my Blood Goddess."

Lucy stepped back and tapped her chin in thought. "Hm, decisions, decisions...oh, well. In some dimension I did it, in others I did not. This is one of those dimensions. However, I'm not done yet. I need to check off the Three Constants."

The Witch whipped out a clipboard with a piece of paper on it.

"All right, let's see…Constant 1: OP Badassery…" Lucy's purple eyes glowed. "Hm, alcohol-induced rampages…eh, it counts. Check."

She checked off a square.

"Constant 2: Some Form of Gender Dysphoria…" Lucy just lowered the clipboard to take a second look at Percy's hair and clothes. "Check."

She checked off a square.

"And the Third Constant: Diapers…" Lucy's eyes glowed again. "Hm, some passing references in conversation and a few jokes…not enough to check it though…" she looked at the frozen Annabeth.

"I think reenacting the punishment from Xenomorphic would be too much, but it would be fun to masturbate to. Strangely enough, out of the 170 people currently attending camp, not a single one of them is a bedwetter, so there's no night diapers, and none of the Hunters are ageplaying right now, and no one's got any psychological problems….You know, this would've been taken care of if Thalia and Annabeth had buckled down and made Luke wear pull-ups at night so he wouldn't pee all over them, but they just had to accommodate to his pride. Eh, we'll just do this."

Lucy snapped her fingers, and suddenly Percy's underwear felt a lot bigger. His shorts were stretched, and the high waistband of the diaper easily stuck out over the lower waistband of his shorts. He turned his head and glared.

"I know, I know. It's a running gag though, so calm down."

Lucy snapped her fingers again, and Percy's underwear was back to normal.

"Check." She checked off the clipboard and looked up with a smile. "Thank you, for your cooperation."

There was that weird sound again accompanied by the ticking clock, and when Percy blinked, Lucy was gone.

"Something wrong?" Annabeth asked, noting the look on Percy's face.

Nope. Everything's fine.

"Well, well. The princess returns with a smaller princess. I thought Lord Poseidon said to go get his son, so what happened? Did you get the wrong person, or does the sea god not know his own kids' genders anymore?"

"Clarisse," Annabeth greeted with a thin smile. "You are probably going to die in the next few minutes, and I can say my only regret for that happening is that I didn't get to kill you."

"Ooh, hurtful," Clarisse said. She turned her attention to Percy. "I can't tell: are you a girl or a fag?"

Both.

"What?"

Both. Percy enunciated better.

"What the Hades? Speak up and stop mouthing at me."

The response was the finger.

Clarisse's eye twitched, and her sisters behind her all snickered because they knew what was coming next. The daughter of Ares couldn't keep the smirk off her face herself at the thought.

But this act of disrespect required more serious action.

"Whatever, newbie. Time for your initiation."

Clarisse reached out, and that's when things went lopsided.

See, Percy had grown up around sons of Ares. Hotel Moscow was mostly comprised of war children, and so he knew how to handle them. The trick to getting a child of Ares to like and respect you was to deck them in the shnoz, really hard. Your aim wasn't to just break their nose but shatter it and send bone fragments into the brain. If Percy had known Clarisse was a daughter of Ares, he would've done just that.

But he didn't know that.

What he did know was that a stranger was reaching for him with intent to cause him harm, because there wasn't an initiation that Percy didn't know of that didn't involve violence. So, based on all prior knowledge of initiation ceremonies, and the fact that he felt threatened, he popped a pistol.

Three gunshots boomed across Camp Half-Blood

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Long story short, Clarisse lost all the fingers between her thumb and pinkie, Chiron created a hole in the Big House when he galloped out in full centaur form, and everyone knew about Percy Jackson, the crossdressing (not a crossdresser!) son of Poseidon.

Feelings regarding the child included, but were not limited to, fear, contempt, distaste, hatred, and maternity.

The girls of the Aphrodite cabin collectively thought Percy was a little cutie, and the only thing that kept them from dragging him into their cabin for a makeover/modelling session, was the guns pointed at their faces, which did nothing to dissuade their sparkling eyes and group "awws!"

Despite the shock of the situation, Clarisse having her fingers blown off, no one batted an eye and life at camp instantly continued as normal.

Why, just last week, one poor soul had a pair of arrows shot into their butt and died because a monster came along and ate them alive.

The funeral lasted for ten minutes before everyone went to the mess hall for lunch.

Anyway, the only reprimand Percy was given, was that if he ever shot anyone without just cause within the camp grounds, he would be cleaning the stables all by himself for a month. To which Percy just nodded while internally cackling because he wasn't going to be here for a month. Poseidon also claimed him, the holographic trident popping up and quickly vanishing. There was some bowing, and that was it.

After the excitement died and interest evaporated, Annabeth finished the tour.

"And here are the cabins. Cabin 1, the big one, is Zeus'. The one next to it, is Cabin 2, Hera's. The big, long flat one is your dad's, Poseidon's, Cabin 3. Cabin 4 is Demeter's, who is your aunt on your dad's side." Percy tugged on her shirt.

Does that make them my cousins?

Annabeth opened her mouth to immediately say no, but a record scratch cut her off as her entire perspective on the world suddenly shifted as she realized that yes, yes indeed the children of Demeter were Percy's cousins.

The blonde went slack, and she stared off into the distance at nothing. "Huh…I never thought of that."

She shook her head and continued with the cabins.

"Cabin 5 is the Ares cabin. Cabin 6 is mine, Athena's. Cabin 7 is for Apollo, 8 for Artemis—it's only ever used by her Hunters. Cabin 9 is for Hephaestus, 10 for his wife, Aphrodite. 11 is the Hermes cabin, and 12 is Mr. D's. Entrance to any cabin isn't restricted to just their children, but going in uninvited is like going into someone's house. If you do that, the campers inside are well within their rights to kill you, and you'll probably piss off their parents, too. Gods are territorial like that. Any questions?"

Why are there so many in the Hermes cabin? Is he that busy?

"Hermes has an acceptance policy regarding the children of gods who don't have cabins, or children who haven't been claimed by their parents. He's nice like that."

Looks packed.

"It is."

Percy looked at Annabeth. The way she said that was strange, but he couldn't place why. He pushed those thoughts away and headed for his cabin. He could hear a second set of footsteps behind him, so he knew Annabeth was following.

When he got to the door, he kicked it open with a flourish and looked inside.

Percy frowned at the lack of everything besides a few bunks and the excessive cobwebs. He looked back to Annabeth and mouthed, Is there a phone a can use?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Chiron and Annabeth were both confused as Percy stood there at the camp's landline phone, tapping his foot with a hand on his hip like a sassy, impatient girl. The former two could both hear the ringing, and then they heard a female voice.

"Hello. You have-"

Percy hit the two button.

"One moment please."

He stood there, tapping his foot and twisting slightly side to side.

"Hello. You have-"

Percy hit the eight button.

"One moment please."

He stood there a little longer, before the phone picked back up, an amicable, gruff voice spoke with a Russian accent.

"Mr. Jackson. How can we be of service today?"

Chiron and Annabeth shared a look.

Percy began tapping the receiver, and it didn't take long for the centaur and the daughter of Athena to figure out he was tapping in Morse Code, but he was doing it in such a fast pace that both had trouble accurately translating.

After three straight minutes of tapping out his message, Percy stopped.

The man on the other end of the line was silent, then everyone heard an intake of breath. "Give…me an hour, Mr. Jackson."

Percy hung up.

"What happens in an hour?" Chiron asked, none too calm.

The centaur's anxiety increased at the mischievous grin on Percy's face. You'll see.

Annabeth and Chiron shared a look.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

An hour later, Camp Half-Blood was suddenly beset by visitors.

And by visitors, I mean an entire Mexican construction crew with all the necessary equipment to build a city.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I need to get my thoughts in better order.

However, we got the Three Constants out of the way, as well as the Minotaur, meeting Dionysus, Clarisse's initiation gone wrong, and the grand tour of Camp Half-Blood.

Next chapter will be pure laughs. Or at least, the first part of it.

Fav, Follow, and Review!