Hello. It's me. I was wondering if after all this time you're still reading. LOL. I'm a nerd. It's a good thing nerd is in these days! Thank you to Burkygirl again for her rocking beta skills. I accept all her changes pretty much without question. That being said, all mistakes are hers. :)
"On second thought, Prim," I say as I stare at the bakery in front of us. The knowledge that Peeta is just a few hundred feet away from me makes my mouth go dry and my legs turn to lead in the passenger's seat. I couldn't lift them if I wanted to. "Maybe I'll just wait out here for you." The wounds he and I carved into each other last night are too fresh. I should have just had her take me home. It's only a few blocks, but with all the snow and ice on the roads, I don't want my sister to have to get out more than she needs to. Plus, I'm sure she's exhausted with all the wedding planning.
She gives me a tight-lipped smile that I know means she's sorry. Whether it's for bringing me here or for my entirely screwed up life, I'm not sure. Maybe both. But I can't look at her for very long. I feel like my blemished soul is on display.
"Okay. I'll be right back," she says, climbing quickly out of the car. I watch as she nimbly picks her way through snow and ice until she reaches the freshly shoveled walkway leading up to Mellark's Bakery. When she's safely inside, I dig out my phone and begin to play a round of mind-numbing candy crush. I've been stuck on level 205 for a month.
Just as I'm about to advance to level 206, the sudden and sharp sound of knuckles rapping on the window next to me causes me to jump. My finger swipes in the wrong direction and I lose again. Annoyed, I turn to the window and find Gale's nose smashed against the glass as he makes an obnoxious face at me. The sight of him instantly boils my blood and I can't wait to make his face look that way permanently.
Prim left the car running, so I roll the window down to let him speak to me. To my delight, he takes the bait, settling his arms on the door and leaning his head in. I latch onto his ear with a grip I would reserve for one of the naughty kids in my class. He howls and tries to pull away, making me clamp down harder.
"You win!" he yelps, raising his hands as high as he can without putting more strain on the connection of my thumb and forefinger with the tender cartilage of his ear. I give it one good yank before releasing him. "What was that for?" he yells, rubbing the spot furiously with the palm of his hand and squinting at me in obvious pain. Good.
"You don't know?" I ask with a doubtful, mocking voice. He shakes his head, still tending to his ear. I pop out of the car faster than he was expecting and he backs up a few steps, almost slipping on the ice. He catches himself, though, and straightens as I approach. "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Katniss Everdeen," I say sarcastically as I hold out my hand. He eyes it suspiciously. "You must be Gale 'Gossip Girl' Hawthorne?"
He rolls his eyes, clearly fed up with my little game, and I drop my hand to my hip. "Get to the point, Katniss," he says, rotating his finger in a circle, trying to hurry me along.
"Why did you have to ask Peeta about going to L.A. in front of Cassie? You idiot!" I look around the street, and hush my tone. It's pretty deserted, but in a small town you never know who's listening. "Now he's all pissed at me because he thinks I'm responsible for his break up!"
"That's real rich, Catnip," he laughs arrogantly. "You wanna pin that on me? Have you forgotten how tiny this town is? Everyone has already heard how you broke into the bakery and practically shoved in Cassie's face how tight you and Peeta used to be."
I fire every dagger in my eyes straight at him. "I'm not responsible for what's happening between you and Peeta. That was all thanks to you," he says, shaking his head and spreading his arms out like he's just performed the world's greatest magic trick. He's a cocky s.o.b. "If anything, I did both you and Cassie a favor."
I feel my face morph into the most hideously incredulous look. My facial muscles actually ache it feels so repulsive. And I'm speechless to boot. Only Gale can possibly think he did me a favor by running his mouth off like the worst case of diarrhea.
"It's true," he continues calmly, giving me a slight nod and looking as if I should be grovelling at his feet and professing my endless devotion. "I sent her away. Albeit accidentally, but now you can have him back." My face loosens so quickly from the shock of his comment that I think my jaw actually scrapes the snow at my feet.
Gale folds his hands in front of him and wags his eyebrows at me. If people think we're getting back together, they will be highly disappointed. They don't have a clue what took place between us last night - a destructive match of blame game with no winner or resolution of any kind. Peeta probably wants nothing to do with me. "Yeah, like that's gonna happen." A small, but quickly growing, part of me can't deny that Gale's observation, however naive, gives me hope.
"You never know." He sticks his hands in his jean pockets and shrugs his shoulders. I fold my hands over my chest and roll my eyes. "Katniss, you've been gone for four years. I've been here for most of that time watching my friend try to piece himself back together. 'Life-after-Katniss' has not been pretty, believe me." He shakes his head and laughs lightly, remembering something.
"What?" I ask, fixing him with a curious gaze. I find myself wanting to know things that went on while I was away.
"This one time. God, it was so pathetic. Rye and I dragged him to a titty bar- Ow!" Gale winces after I slug him hard on his upper arm. "What was that for?"
"For dragging Peeta to a strip club!" I yell.
"What do you care? You were- oh... wait a minute," he says, slowly dragging out his words and rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "You do care. Don't you, Katniss? All that running away didn't really fix anything, did it?"
Gale steps back and raises his arms in surrender as I wind up my fist again. "Truce!" he says, closing his eyes tight and waiting for me to deliver the blow. I lower my arm, not interested in taking all my frustrations out on my old friend. Especially when I can't deny there isn't some truth to his statement. Of course, I'll deny it to him.
"Anyway," Gale says pointedly, "he was so messed up. He never once looked at any of the girls. Not even when we bought him a lap dance." Gale backs up at the look on my face. I swear my eyes are smoldering so furiously you could cook an egg on my eyeball in record time. And I may be developing a tick as I feel my right eyelid open and close a few times in rapid succession.
The thought of Peeta with a stripper grinding herself down on him and shoving her plastic double D's in his face is infuriating. It's one thing to think that maybe things have happened, but you have no real proof. You can pretend they didn't, or that they don't. Like in the case with Cassie. I have no idea if they've ever been sexual. It's a good probability, given the length of the relationship, but I can assume they didn't. And it's a very valid assumption since they had a long distance relationship.
"Katniss?" Gale's voice snaps me out of the daymare of Peeta being sexual with other women. "What's happening with your eye?"
I make a sound of disgust and shake my head, hoping my 'twitch' will resolve itself while Gale chooses to switch topics. Fine by me. I can't stand to hear any more of this.
"Hey, so I'm having the group over tonight. One last get together before things get crazy with the bachelor party and the rehearsal dinner, then the big day. You should come. It'll be like old times." The look on his face is hopeful. I miss my friends. And to be honest, I miss my old life. But I'm sure Peeta will be there, so I avoid answering his question.
"Please tell me you're not taking Rory to a strip club?" His guilty expression gives him away. "Gale! This is my sister's soon-to-be husband! What is Prim going to think?"
"She's all for it, as long as he doesn't touch or get touched," he replies. "We've already checked with the Mrs."
"Who is we?" I question, trying to ignore the crushing feeling in my lungs.
"The guys," he says. I'm sure I already know the answer, but a piece of me hopes he doesn't say it. "Me, Rory, Rye and Peeta." Damn! He said it.
I quickly begin rubbing my right eye as I feel it start to twitch again. Stupid titty bars! Why do guys have to go there anyway? Can't they just watch movies and eat out of ice cream containers like girls do? Everything about this screams wrong. I'm sure I'll be laying in bed tomorrow night wondering whether some faceless girl is rubbing her freshly waxed crotch in Peeta's lap. I can't even imagine what his eyes will be trained on. Her pretty face? The valley of her perfect cleavage? Her tiny waist or further down? Okay, maybe I can imagine it, and it doesn't help my irritation one bit.
"You're doing it again," Gale interrupts. A frustrated growl escapes from the back of my throat, and my hands fist tightly at my sides, willing me to keep some self control.
"Look, Katniss," Gale's tone is soft. While I know he has a sweet side, it's rarely seen and it grabs my attention right away. "You need to come tonight. It'll do you some good to be with your friends." He reaches out and touches my arm. It's so comforting that I almost give in.
"I can't, Gale." I could if Peeta weren't going to be there, but I don't want to sound petty so I don't ask.
"You can't make us choose between you two. You need to come. If you're going to move back here you need to start getting comfortable around Peeta-"
"Wait, wait, wait," I tell him, holding my hand up to stop him from going further, needing a chance to process what he's just said. "Who said I'm moving back here?" He eyes me cautiously. His eyebrows are knit together, as he struggles to find the right response. It looks kind of painful, actually. I might have even laughed if I wasn't still suppressing the urge to murder him. Gossip, titty bars, and now some new secret? I feel like I've returned to high school.
Gale looks away from me and rubs the back of his neck self consciously. "I don't know. I just thought maybe you thought…" he trails off and it's clear he needed more time to work on his answer.
"You are the worst liar, you know that? Spill it," I demand. Gale groans as though he knows he's going to be in trouble. I've got him now. I grin like the cat that ate the canary.
"I heard it from Rory," he says.
"Who heard it from Prim," I finish in a whisper, my gaze lingering someplace in the distance. Why would Prim tell anyone I'm moving back? I've never said anything of the sort to her.
The bell on the bakery door jingles, and we both look to see Prim prancing out the door. She's all smiles and giddy features, like a schoolgirl in love. It almost upsets me to have to be the one to wipe it off.
"Gotta go!" Gale says with nod to Prim as he rushes past her and into the bakery.
"Ready?" she asks me, completely unaware of what I know.
"Home?" I ask, concealing my temper with a tight smile.
"Yep. Home."
The ride to the house took all of sixty seconds, but it was the longest minute of my life. I didn't want to have it out with Prim in the car about why she would tell anyone I'm moving back, so I asked her for a description of the cake and tried to pay attention when she answered. I think it's three tier white with buttercream and raspberry filling. Or was it strawberry? It was a berry for sure.
Now I'm in my room standing in front of the open window, pulling at my lip with my fingers while I stare blankly into the neighbors back yard. I excused myself from Prim immediately with a headache. I have to think, not just react. Reacting is what usually gets me into trouble. What got me into this mess in the first place.
The freezing air chills my skin and the bright afternoon sun warms my bones. It's one of the strangest feelings - to be hot and cold all at once. It reminds me of my relationships at the moment, with Prim, my mother, and Peeta. Even Gale. I love them, and always will, but they hold in their hands the power to make me indignant and outraged by their choices. Does it mean I love them any less? No. If anything, the reconciliation brings us closer. I know Prim and I will reconcile. She's my sister, and our relationship is worth so much to me. Gale and I will resume our normal antics without any spoken apology. That's the kind of friends we are. I have to make a different kind of peace with my mother. It's one sided, but she's my mother.
The only person I haven't had resolution with is Peeta. Is resolution even possible? Will there ever come a day when we can be in the same room and not feel that he hates me? I know I could never hate him. Seeing him again has proven that. But will he ever look at me with any kind of compassion or friendship again? Or will he always see the girl who ripped his heart open?
My head turns as a knock sounds on the door and it squeaks open. Prim pokes her head through and I realize I've been contemplating Peeta's and my relationship instead of focusing on the reason I holed myself up here in the first place.
"Come in," I say formally, even though she's already halfway across the room. She flops onto the bed Indian style and folds her hands in her lap.
"Are you okay?" she asks me. "Did Gale upset you?" Hardly. What he said was upsetting, but knowing where it came from makes anything Gale did seem like child's play.
"Actually, he did say something." Prim's expression grows concerned, but she doesn't offer any knowledge about what Gale said. Maybe she didn't say it? No, that can't be right. Gale may be a gossip but his information has always been reliable.
"What?" she asks innocently.
"Well," I start, deciding to be up front with Prim. I don't want to dance around this issue. We're sisters and nothing should come between us. Surely there's a good explanation. "He asked me to come over tonight, and when I said no, he told me that I may as well get used to being around Peeta if I'm going to be moving back."
Prim's eyes widen and her features freeze. I wait a few seconds for her to respond, but the longer the silence stretches, the more anxious I become.
"Did you tell Rory I was moving back?"
"No!" she yells. "Well... not exactly." She looks away from me and I can tell there's a sticky story coming.
"Spit it out," I bark. I don't have the patience to deal with more drama. There's enough of it going around right now without adding to it.
"I was talking to Rory about asking you to move home. He must have told Gale." At the mention of how I came across this bit of news, her eyes narrow and she mumbles something about killing both of them. The confession still leaves me confused.
"What?" I ask, trying to make sense out of the sliver of knowledge she supplied me with.
"Katniss, sit down." Prim pats the bed next to her, and I numbly obey. Once settled, Prim takes my hand in hers and smiles weakly at me. "I wanted to do this at the right time, but you've been so distracted and anxious lately, and I know you're dealing with a lot coming back here, and Peeta, and Mom… there's just so much going on, but-" she stops and takes a deep breath. "I'm getting married."
"Yeah, that's kind of why I'm here," I say, urging her to continue and give me some clarity about what's happening.
"I've been here the last four years taking care of Mom while trying to go to school and work, just like you did. I know you've been sending us money and it's been a huge help, please don't think it's never been appreciated. It has, and I owe you so much-"
"Prim you don't owe me anything but an explanation, okay?" Her nervous demeanor is making me edgy. I probably could have chosen better words, but I hope my she understands that she doesn't need to thank me.
"I want to live my own life, Katniss. I don't just want Rory to move in here so that the two of us can take care of Mom for the rest of our lives. I'm twenty. I want to move into a place that's just mine and Rory's. I want to sleep in and come home late, and go away for weekend vacations with my husband."
"So you want me to move back to help with Mom," I say softly, more to acquaint myself with the idea than to ask Prim if that what she wants.
"Yeah, I'd like you to. I'll still be around. I'm not moving away or anything, but I need some new experiences in my life and I can't do that without help."
I know what she's saying is true, and I have been gone a long time. But something about it just doesn't sit well with me right now. I need time to think. And plan. I've only just begun to heal my relationships with the people I left behind. Well, except for one, which just might be the one that matters most of all. If I knew that Peeta would accept my return, this would be an easy decision. There's nothing for me in LA. The grass didn't turn out to be greener on the other side, metaphorically speaking. It's actually much greener in the physical sense, at least at this time of year. I sigh. I wish I hadn't left things so messed up.
There are other factors to consider, though. "I'm under contract at the school, and we're only in the middle of the year. If I came back it wouldn't be until summer," I tell Prim. She visibly relaxes and a huge grin steals over her sweet face.
"I figured as much, but the fact that you're even considering it right now makes you the best sister ever!" She launches into me and I almost topple off the bed under the force. "Of course, you already were the best." Prim squeezes me tight and then lets go, moving back to her place on the bed.
"Tell me, though, Prim," I say, still having one unanswered question for her. She nods for me to continue. "Why did you talk to Rory about it first rather than just asking me?" She gives me a baffled look.
"Well, if I can't talk to him, then who can I talk to?"
"Me, of course," I say, just as baffled at Prim's response as she was at my question.
"Katniss, we're sisters. We'll always have a bond, but Rory's my rock now. He's my go to when I need to vent or cry or laugh. I love him, and he loves me and we protect each other," she says so sincerely it's hard not to believe that a husband wouldn't break my heart. She picks up my hand and pats it fondly. "I want that for you. I want you to feel the utter contentment I'm feeling right now. Just promise me you won't push love away again, okay?"
How did she come out so unscathed after all my dad did? He pretended. He made me think he loved me, us, and then pulled the tablecloth of lies out of from under us so quickly I didn't even know who I was anymore. My whole identity was wrapped up in the perfect family, and then it was just gone one day. I never believed in family again. Family is the result of marriage, and marriage is the result of love. So I thought if I never loved a man, I wouldn't have to go through that again. The problem is, I think I do love a man. The fervor of my feelings for him snuck up on me as quickly as my dad left. And as much as I have tried to deny and push it all away, it's still there. I can feel it in my chest. In my bones. Every part of me, really. Waiting. Dormant, but patient. And quite possibly more volatile than when I locked it away.
As if sensing my inner turmoil, Prim speaks up. "Rory's not dad. And Peeta's not dad. Not by a long shot. You can't judge every man on the planet based on one man's actions. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to you."
"When did you get so smart?" I ask her.
"I had to take a psych class last semester. I'm just putting all that information to good use. Besides, Rory asks me not to use all that 'voodoo head stuff' on him. He hates when I try to examine his words and tell him what he's feeling. So, you're my patient today." She winks at me playfully. "First session's free."
"I better get it together then, or I'll owe you more than I'm worth," I tease.
Prim smiles and gets up from the bed, making her way toward the door. "I'm going to get a shower and get ready to go to over to Gale's. You coming?" she asks, stopping in the middle of the room and looking back at me.
"I don't know," is all I can offer.
"Okay. It needs to be your decision. But just so you know, you're worth way more than than you let yourself believe."
I wish I could agree.
Moving along at a snail's pace. Sorry it's been almost two weeks. I did update another fic. Kinda got a few slaps on the hand for it, not that I mind that people want me to update this one, but please have faith in me to continue updating until it's finished. I only meant for this to be a Christmas thing and maybe 7 chapters long, but as always, I had no idea what I was getting into when I started. Honestly, I shouldn't be writing. I have too much going on and many times a week something demands my attention and the updates have to go on the back burner. But I can't let go of the dream! It's my only creative outlet anymore.
I will update again in a few days. Next chapter will be some fun times, courtesy of a request from Loueze and Notanislander, and another moment between K&P. Leave a review of what you'd like to see in the future of this story! It inspires the direction of my writing! Pbg