4x11 – Driven – The one with the sexual harassment seminar.

10. Are You Afraid to Live?


They were all Bored. Out. Of. Their. Minds. Which considering the creative potential of this bunch when they were in the mood, boring them was really quite impressive.

Really, who taught sexual harassment with a cheesy D government movie all about 'respecting personal space bubbles'? Abby was sure Tony could have given them a long list of movies with much more believable harassment scenes. Tony would probably even be willing to re-enact most of the relevant moments if the class wasn't in the mood for a video. Abby giggled internally at the thought of Tony being the guy to set the bar for what constituted sexual harassment. That would be HR's worst nightmare, and it would be AWESOME!

Abs was more than willing to get distracted from the presentation by thoughts of helping Tony teach the whole room of straight-laced, up-tight agents a thing or two about proper harassment. Not that she thought of Tony that way, 'cause it was Tony. But out of all the men at NCIS, Tony would probably be down with spending a thoroughly enjoyable night harassing her and find some way to get HR to write it off as cardiovascular exercise.

Once again, not that she would ever … exercise, with Tony. It wasn't that Tony wouldn't be fun, but Gibbs would kill him. Like literally, kill him. With his bare hands. Then Abby would have to get rid of all the evidence, because it would totally be her fault that Gibbs went postal on Tony. Then she'd have to get rid of all the bourbon in the DC area so Gibbs would be sober when Abby locked him in a room with a shrink until he got over killing Tony. Of course, then she'd have to find a way to bring Tony back from the dead, 'cause Gibbs would never get over it, which Abs was pretty sure not even she could do. So no, no sexually harassing Tony. At least, no more than usual.

Great, now the deathly dull woman leading the seminar had pulled out slides. Not even good slides! There was no music, no animation, just a traffic sign. Seriously, Abby felt like she was in the clichéd D movie now, only without the added benefit of being harassed by Tony. Traffic lights? Who uses traffic lights as a symbol anymore? They're so overused they no longer trigger memories in the way Uptight Lady wanted, meaning in about five minutes no would be able to remember what 'yellow light' behavior is!

Wait, did the chick in the far too trimmed a suit just complain about hugging as a 'yellow light' offense? Abby's attention was totally back on the presentation. She popped to her feet and asked, "What's wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time."

Uptight Lady with the slicked back bun pulled out her demeaning schoolteacher voice and scolded, "You may see it as friendly, but your co-workers may find it offensive." She thought Abby was offending her co-workers? Not possible. Ever. Right? But what if she was? What if Abby had hurt someone's feelings? That would be awful!

She had to ask them! "You guys get offended when I hug you?" The whole room shook their heads, denying the claim of Uptight Lady. "Then I'm hugging you all in my mind, right now." She closed her eyes, and reached out for a mental embrace, which Uptight Lady obviously didn't feel. Maybe because Abby didn't hug her. Or maybe Abby did hug her and that's why Uptight Lady was so upset.

She pulled out her scolding voice, talking to Abby like she was a little kid who had just asked if she could kick a puppy. "DOD Policy is very clear about this point, Miss. You must first ask permission before making physical contact with a co-worker." Well, that just sounded stupid.

"Like, every time?"

"Yes." Uptight Lady shut down the discussion Abby was about to launch on studies confirming the benefits of physical reinforcement for good behavior. Uptight moved on to 'red-light behavior' while Abby deflated back to her seat. No hugging? This was awful! She had to ask for permission every time? But, what if Gibbs didn't say yes? 'Cause Abby knew Gibbs totally loved her hugs, he was just too much of a manly man to actually admit that he loved them.

Abby looked up at Uptight Lady and got distracted by her description of 'red-light behavior'. Honestly, the red-light behavior Uptight was describing sounded weaksauce compared to the red-light behavior Abby was used to. Apparently the red light districts where the Uptight grew up were a lot, A LOT, A LOT, milder than where Abby grew up. Uptight must have had a boring childhood. Maybe she didn't get hugs as a kid and that's why she was against them?

Then Ziva made Abby's day. She totally had a phenomenal sense of timing. Tony and Ziva had exchanged sarcastic commentary through the whole presentation, just like the back row hooligans they were, but the second Uptight Lady referred to 'unwanted touching,' Ziva licked Tony's face! It was awesome!

Tony, being Tony, dramatically leapt to his feet like he'd been poisoned or something, hauling all attention away from Uptight and to him. Of course, he refused to tattle on Ziva, and instead took his chance to make a joke out of the whole thing. Tony Gibbs-slapped McGee, who promptly thwacked Tony in the stomach, which Tony hammed up like the pro-distracter and undercover genius he was. "Would that be considered inappropriate behavior?"

"Absolutely! Are you saying this has actually happened?" Uptight looked mortified! Seriously? Someone should explain to Uptight Lady that that was just the Gibbs version of a hug. Only, ya know, more violent. Someone needed to sit the DOJ down with a much better powerpoint and show them that all this touching, especially the kinds they deemed inappropriate, is what keeps people human.

Gibbs-smacking Tony wasn't about abuse, well ok, not always about abuse. It was reminding Tony he had someone to answer to, which was great for keeping Tony from misbehaving, but was really about keeping him from getting killed 'cause he had someone who'd be mad if he died. Standing too close to McGee put physical pressure on him, forcing his to up his game in a way that mental pressure hadn't since McGee was 12. McGee hadn't had to exert himself mentally for years before Gibbs got to him, and standing too close to Tim, towering over him while he typed away at his computer was enough to get Tim to fight for even more brains than he had. Kept him hungry. Standing way too close and in Ziva's blind spot would totally be classified as sexual harassment by the DOJ, but it was about reminding Ziva that someone was always there. In a good way. Gibbs had her six, even when she couldn't see him, he'd still be there for her.

Tony shot a sideways glance to Gibbs, whose expression didn't change at being implicated in harassment. At All. Even a little bit. But Abby knew Tony could totally feel Gibbs mentally smack on the back of the head and tell him to 'Shut. Up.' Gibbs could do things like that – communicate without actually using his words, or his face. Dark magic. But Gibb's magic apparently didn't extend to the Director, or the rest of the room, all of whom were choking back laughs. Jenny had probably been on the receiving end of some of those smacks when she was Gibbs' partner. Probably was on the receiving end of more than that, but it was best to not think about things like that.

That little train of thought led to an intense scrubbing of the projector screen that her imagination played on. Like, way intense scrubbing. With bleach. Actually, her own special blend that did a better job than bleach. And was untraceable. Not that anything in her mind really needed to be untraceable, but still. Better to be prepared.

Then Gibbs got the call and suddenly all the trouble-makers were out the door and on the job. Damn. Boring again.