We'll get lost together

Chandler frowned as he heard the knock, his tired eyes falling on the door. Who could it be at this late hour? Not really wanting to see anyone he chose to ignore it and continue brooding.

There was another knock, more insistent this time. With a sigh he hit the button on the remote to switch off the television and slowly climbed to his feet.

Another persistent knock.

"I'm coming," he muttered as he headed to the door, unchaining it and throwing it open. "What do-?" his words froze on his lips as he stood there paralyzed, trying to take in who was on the other side.

Monica.

Monica was here, actually here.

He stared at her as his brain tried to comprehend what was happening, how this was happening or even possible? His eyes rapidly ran over her face, taking in the subtle differences from the face he saw in his dreams, drinking in and trying to memorize every little detail of how she'd changed over the years. She was still so beautiful, his memories hadn't done her justice.

"I-" He tried to speak but he couldn't manage to form a word, his voice catching in his throat.

Time seemed to stand still as they stood in the doorway desperately drinking each other in. The reality of what this meant slowly sinking in for both of them that they were finally together again, finally reunited. His heart started to beat rapidly and he felt his body start to tremble.

Monica was also getting overwhelmed, so many powerful emotions crashing through her. She couldn't stay still any longer. With a sob she flung herself at him and he caught her, instinctively wrapping his arms tightly around her, pulling her as close to him as physically possible. He turned his face, burying it in her soft hair, inhaling her shampoo, letting her scent and entire presence engulf him. She surrounded him, comforting him.

God he'd missed her, missed her so damn much.

And she'd missed him.

She clung to him, tears falling down her cheeks as she hugged him even tighter, soaking him into every fiber of her body. She felt like she never wanted to let go, never would be able to let go. He was here, in her arms after 5 years. It was so much to take in, to try and fathom.

Eventually their death grips eased slightly and they pulled back but they couldn't completely let go of each other. Her hands trailed down his shoulders to his arms, gripping tightly as he held onto the sides of her waist, still holding her. They stared at each other, so many unspoken messages passing between them. Only their harsh breaths could be heard in the silence of the hotel room; both had tear stains on their cheeks. He slowly lifted one hand, gently wiping away her tears with a brush of his thumb before moving his hand to softly run through her hair.

"I can't believe you're actually here," he finally spoke, his voice hoarse, "I-" he swallowed, still struggling to verbalize what he wanted to say, what he needed to say to her.

"I know," she reassured him quietly, just as choked up. "God, I've missed you Chandler, I..."

"I know," he agreed, hearing her unspoken words, "me too."

She pulled him in for another fierce hug which lasted a long moment. He held her tightly, the shock and joy of seeing her, starting to fade into guilt. The guilt he'd deservedly carried around all this time. She was like this, crying and so upset all because of him. He'd done this to her.

Carefully he broke their embrace as the guilt started to heavily press down on him. He allowed himself to study her face for a moment longer, seeing the hurt engraved and embedded into her perfect features.

"I'm so so sorry, Monica," he whispered, "I-"

"I know," she repeated again, touching his cheek, trailing her fingers to his jaw. "I know and it's ok."

He shook his head, knowing it wasn't ok, couldn't possibly ok. With a guilty sigh he gently removed her hands from his face, clasping them tightly in one of his. With the other he closed the hotel room door and slowly tugged her over to the small couch. They sat on it, turning to face each other, close to one another, sides, knees, arms all still touching – neither willing to let the other go too far.

Their hands stayed desperately entwined with one another's.

"I really can't tell you how sorry I am," Chandler told her meeting her tear-filled eyes with his guilt-ridden ones. "I've been such an idiot, such a coward…did, uh, did you get my letter?"

She nodded, "I only got it tonight, see Ross didn't realize it had an expiry date."

"Oh," he said dumbly, swallowing, taking in what that meant. Last night's fears and doubts getting replaced with the knowledge that she'd rushed to see him. Had needed to see him as much as he needed to see her.

"I've wanted to see you again for so long," she admitted softly. "When you left, I was so confused, heartbroken and I missed you so much Chandler. And then when Joey saw you and told me you were back in New York...you've been all I could think about. I've been going crazy trying to find you."

He looked down ashamed, hating that he'd caused her further distress. That she'd been suffering as much as he had because of his actions. It wasn't fair on her.

"I'm sorry, I honestly thought you'd be better off without me. Over the years I've wanted to see you again so much, if only to apologize and try to explain but I'd convinced myself that you wouldn't want to see me, that you'd hate me. I thought if I tried to contact you over the years it would only upset you or that maybe you'd have forgotten all about me. I imagined you and Kip married with kids and not wanting me to ruin that with old nightmares.

"I thought about you every day Monica, I missed you so much, it physically hurt at times. After I'd left I couldn't believe I'd actually gone through with it. I sat in an empty hotel room in Tulsa, my bags still packed by my feet as I contemplated just turning around and coming back. That I'd be home before any of you knew what I'd done, just unpack as if nothing had happened.

"But if I'd done that I'd have to have listened to how your first Christmas together had been. Listen to how much your parents loved him and see that look in your eyes. It was killing me, Mon, absolutely killing me. Then it would have been New Year and I'd been at the party and watching the ball drop knowing that nothing had changed and it was just going to continue to get even worse...I couldn't survive it.

"So, I tried to convince myself that I'd made the right decision. That you'd all hate me but eventually forget about me like you were supposed to. By the time I realized just how dumb I'd been it was too late. That even if I'd had the courage to return you'd reject me and I guess I feared that too much. At least by not trying to contact you I could hold that little bit of hope in my heart that you may one day speak to me again.

"I'm so sorry, Monica. You have no idea...and I know it's not enough, never will be but-"

"Hey," she cut him off, squeezing his hands and encouraging him to look up and meet her eyes. "You made a mistake, Chandler, a horrible stupid mistake. But you were hurting, you had no one to confide in so you made the wrong decision. I get that, we all get that. We've missed you so so much.

"Over that Christmas I couldn't' get your kiss out of my head," he jerked slightly, surprised, "really I couldn't. There had been a spark I had never felt before and hadn't been expecting. I kept thinking about it and wanted to talk with you when I came home. When I realized you'd left, that that had been your way of saying goodbye," she swallowed, fresh tears falling as she remembered that painful time in her past. "I was heartbroken, Chandler, devastated. I'd lost my best friend."

He looked down, nodding. If he were honest, he didn't want to know how crushed she'd been, didn't want the extra guilt already weighing down his shoulders. But he deserved it. It was the very least he could do.

"Everyone was hurt," she continued, "completely shocked…it was as if someone had died suddenly. We had lost you and let you down and we couldn't get our heads around it. We canceled the New Year party, none of us were in the mood. I broke up with Kip and he decided to leave as well, but I didn't care. It was you who I needed.

"I missed you like crazy. I spent so many nights crying over you, Chandler," she saw him swallowing, fresh tears on his face but she needed to get this out, get them through all the guilt so they could move on. "It didn't take me long to realize why you'd left and I felt lowest of the low for putting you through that. For not realizing how much pain you were going through day after day because of me."

"You weren't meant to know," he cut in, shaking his head forcefully, "none of this was ever your fault, Mon. Never blame yourself for what I did. I was an asshole. You should have been able to date whoever you liked. It's not your fault that I wasn't strong enough to handle it."

"But I was your best friend, I should have seen it. I knew something was bugging you but I didn't realize to what degree. I should had forced you to talk to me. Refused to go for Christmas until I'd gotten it out of you. You don't know how many times I've replayed that day in my head. The number of times I changed the scenarios, torturing myself with all the things I should have done differently."

She looked down, staring at their entwined hands, anchoring herself to the present, trying not to get swept away in the anguish of the past.

"I'm the one that should have done it differently Monica, very differently. For starters I shouldn't have let myself fall for you that hard. I should have dealt with it when it was just a crush but instead I allowed it turn into so much more and-"

"I don't blame you Chandler," she confessed softly, "I don't blame you for any of it. No one does. It was just a horrible time but it's over. We just want you to come home," she looked up suddenly, her eyes filled with fear as she met his. "You are coming home aren't you?" she pleaded. "I don't think I could cope with seeing you then losing you again. Please tell me you're home?"

He squeezed his eyes shut, too many emotions battling to get to his attention. He couldn't believe that she had forgiven, that she wanted him back. He didn't feel worthy of her. How could she be so forgiving?

"After everything I've done, you still want me back in your life?" he asked in quiet disbelief.

She met his eyes steadily, her voice confident, "More than anything."

He let out a shaky breath, shaking his head in wonder.

"I can't believe it," he whispered in awe. "I-"

"So, that's a yes?" she asked desperately. "You're back for good? Permanently?"

He looked at her, seeing her hope and sincerity yet he couldn't quite believe it. Slowly his face split into a large smile, how she'd missed that smile.

"If you'll have me," he spoke softly, earnestly, "then I promise I'll never leave you again, ever."

Unable to contain herself she let go of his hand and pulled him in for another fierce hug. He accepted it gratefully, holding her just as tightly, securely. His feelings for her had never left him and now he knew why. This was just further proof of why his heart had refused to let her go, no matter how hard he'd tried. She was just simply amazing.

When they pulled back both were smiling through the tears.

"I still can't believe this is real," he admitted. "I've dreamed about this for so long but I never let myself believe this outcome could be possible."

"I've dreamed about it too, so many times throughout the years I just prayed I'd get to see you again, to talk to you. I've missed you so much," she confessed.

"I've missed you too, you have no idea how much. I'm so sor-"

"You've got to stop apologizing," Monica stroked his face, "You're forgiven."

"Just like that?" he looked disbelieving. "If you had walked out on me Mon, I don't know if I'd be able to forgive and forget so easily. How can you trust me again? How can-"

"Because you aren't a stranger, Chandler. I'm sure we've both changed these last 5 years, but I know you and you know me. It hurt a lot and I won't lie I had some very dark days which I won't be able to forget quickly. But of course I trust you, forgive you. You were hurting and made a mistake, one you fully regret. You didn't do it to deliberately hurt any of us, right?"

He nodded.

"I'm not naïve," she continued, "I know we can't just click back to how we were 5 years ago and pretend it never happened. Things have happened, the group has changed but we've been missing part of our foundations for so long, missing you. I know you need to talk to Ross and Phoebe, I know you need to get to know Rachel and Joey. Bonds needs to be strengthened and rebuilt but we'll come out even stronger than before."

He stared at her a moment.

"Yeh?" he so desperately wanted to believe her.

"I'm positive," she promised with a watery smile. "They've all been so supportive helping me try and find you. I won't lie, you have a couple of bridges to build with Ross and Phoebe but only because they love you and they're hurting. They want you back, part of the gang."

He smiled, slowly allowing the hope mixed with relief start to spread through his body. His friends had been like family before and he wanted, needed to get that back.

"I want that too."

They sat in silence for a while as the pent up emotions slowly ebbed away.

"So…what did I miss?"

She let out a laugh, surprised and his heart filled with warmth at the sound. He used to love making her laugh.

"Where to start…" she smiled brightly.

"Wait, I'm confused, were they on a break?" he asked with a frown, sitting cross-legged from her on the bed.

"Don't ask," she told him as she took another french frie from the bowl which room service had delivered, "And if you want to save your sanity don't bring it up with either of them unless you have several hours to spare.

"I'll bear that in mind. I still can't believe Ross has a kid."

"I know," she smiled just thinking of Ben, "he's really good with him to, totally dotes on him."

"And by that proud smile I can tell you're loving being an Auntie?" he pried, grabbing a french frie for himself and dipping it in the supplied sauce.

"So much. He's such a perfect kid, I know I'm bias and all, but he's gonna be president some day."

Chandler chuckled, "He sure is a cute one."

"You've seen him?" she asked surprised, then remembering he had some kind of connection with Carol and Susan.

"Yeah, he came charging into my office with Carol in tow. Ya know," he mused, "if it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't have seen her; I certainly wouldn't have written that letter or be here with you now. I need to buy him something as a thank you."

"I'm sure he'll just be happy that you're making his Auntie happy," she grinned laughing as Chandler rolled his eyes at the corny line.

"I doubt that, he's like what 2? 3? I'll get him something really good for his next birthday present."

Monica's heart skipped a beat. The fact he was talking about the future excited her, although at the same time it saddened her. Chandler should have been there throughout the pregnancy, listening to Ross get the damn Monkees' song into everyone's heads. He should have been there at the birth, supporting Ross as he became a father and being there to cheer her up when her mother started to bring her down about never having children. He'd have no doubt been Ben's Godfather, an important figure in Ben's life and yet here they were and he didn't know him. A complete stranger.

"You alright?" he asked quietly sensing the change in her mood.

"I'm fine," she promised, "it's just hitting me how much you've missed."

Chandler nodded, looking down, "I know and it's my own fault I wasn't there for any of it, but I'm gonna be there for all the stuff that happens going forwards," he vowed, "I'll there creating new memories."

A smile tugged at her face and she nodded, "Ok."

"So... is Phoebe still crazy?"

Monica snorted, how could she have forgotten how easy it was with him? How he had the ability to effortlessly lift her spirits, to make her relax with a single sentence or well-directed smile.

"Oh, she's still out there," she informed him, "but she's a lot less flaky than she used to be. Still got that kick-ass streak in her though."

"Do you remember your face when she moved in and tried to put all those incense sticks and crystals around the apartment? Then she bought out the chimes and hung them by the window and started singing back to them every time the wind hit? I remember you hiding at mine for days until you got the courage to talk to her about it," he chuckled fondly at the memory.

Monica nodded with a smile, "We clashed a little at the start but I'm glad we both stuck with it because she's one of my closet friends. She eventually got fed up with me and moved out...without telling me," she hung her head slightly, remembering how she'd felt so alone and stupid. That another one of her closest friends had left and not told her.

He studied her, sensing her tone, "I'm sure she just didn't know how to tell you," Chandler comforted, placing a hand on her knee, before changing the subject. "So, how did you get Rachel as your roommate? You'd lost contact with her way before."

"Oh," her face became animated once again and Chandler could tell she was going into story mode. He'd missed her so much, her excitement and energy over the stupidest things. He soaked her in as she talked, "She ran out on her wedding day, left the guy at the altar."

"No way, seriously?"

"Uh huh," her eyes lit up, "she came bursting into our lives without any warning. See, I was the only person she knew that hadn't been invited and lived in the city. She'd been daddy's little princess before but decided to start living independently, stay with with me and joined the group. We're really close again, like we were growing up."

"That's good," he smiled, pleased she'd had friends around her.

"What about you?" she asked suddenly as she frowned. "Did you make new friends in Tulsa? Are you ok to be leaving them behind? I mean-"

"I didn't have many friends there," he interrupted her with an embarrassed shrug of a shoulder. "I'd let you guys down and wasn't in a very 'friendsy' place. Instead I threw myself into work, spending long hours there. I mean I got on alright with the people in the office. Occasionally I'd go for drinks after work, or someone's BBQ or a ballgame or something but I wouldn't consider any of them real friends, not like we had."

A silence settled between them for a moment as Monica absorbed this heart-breaking information.

"You must have been so lonely," she said quietly and he shrugged again, not denying it.

"I deserved it," he admitted, "besides it gave me lots of time to reflect on things...and hey, it made my bosses love me."

"What do you do now?" she went along with his subject change.

"Um," he blushed a little, "I'm actually still with the same company as before."

He cringed, waiting for her reaction.

"What?" she asked surprised, "That was a temp job. You hated your little cubicle. You did no work, were the office clown…"

"Yeah, but I was good at it and just needed something. I contemplated leaving without one and starting afresh but when I saw the job advert I went for it. They liked me over there and I did good, then I got transferred back here."

"So, for these last couple of months I could have just walked into your old office building? You've been there the whole time."

She couldn't believe it, he'd been so close.

He nodded, looking guilty, "I wasn't hiding because I didn't want to see you again, Mon, I promise. I was just too scared of your reaction, scared you'd hate me more."

"I know," she rubbed his arm before taking the last of the French fries and moving off the bed to place the dirty plate outside.

He watched her as she stretched, a yawn splitting her face in half.

"You're tired," he observed softly, sad this incredible night was coming to an end.

"Well it's past 2am," she pointed out with a crooked smile.

He looked at the wall clock in surprise, "Wow," he murmured, climbing to his feet. "So, um, did you want me to walk you home or-"

"Can I stay here?" her blue eyes pleaded as she stepped towards him, into his personal space.

"O-of course," he stuttered surprised, "If that's what you want?"

She nodded, her hands coming to rest on his warm chest, the need to touch him strong, the need to reassure herself this was real.

"I'm still not ready to be apart just yet," she admitted her eyes searching his, "and part of me won't believe I've actually found you unless you're here with me in the morning..."

"Ok," he swallowed, understanding, his eyes studying hers intently as she moved closer, a lot closer.

He held his breath, his eyes still frantically searching hers as his heart started to beat faster. The air was becomer thicker as the atmosphere changed around them. He didn't dare move as he noticed her lean in just a fraction. Was this happening? All his nerve endings were on fire, his lips desperate to taste hers once more but he needed her to make the first move, her to initiate the contact. He couldn't risk misreading anything and ruining this. He finally had her back, finally after all these years and no matter how much he wanted this, craved it he wouldn't risk it.

Her hands came up, cradling his cheeks and he swallowed.

"Mon-" he whispered but she shook her head, silencing him.

Slowly she lowered her lips, pressing them to his. His eyes fluttered closed as he savored the feeling, letting her take the lead. The kiss was gentle at first, though grew more heated as 5 years of emotions forced their way to the surface. He felt that wonderful spark, that one of a kind connection and tried to just enjoy it and not overthink it. To immerse himself in the feel of her lips deliciously caressing his.

Eventually the kiss came to an end and Chandler rested his forehead against hers, his eyes still closed as he tried to regain his composure and calm his rapidly beating heart, unable to believe that had just happened.

"What was that for?" he eventually braved to whisper, not moving or opening his eyes as he awaited her answer with bated breath.

"I wanted to see if it was as good as 5 years ago," she murmured.

"And?" he swallowed.

"And," she pulled away, reluctantly he followed suit, opening his eyes, "it was better than I remembered."

He grinned, a warmth spreading through his chest, overjoyed that she had felt it too. That it wasn't all in his head.

"So..." he tried, his brain unable or possibly just unwilling to voice the questions and insecurities running through his mind.

"So, it's late, let's go to sleep and talk more in the morning."

With that she placed a gentle lingering kiss on his lips before stepping away from him.

"Ok," he agreed, a little relieved that his mind would have time to process everything that had happened tonight before they had that conversation. "Did, uh you want me to take the floor or I mean, I might be able to fit on that weird couch-thing..."

"No," she shook her head, coming closer again, her hands stroking his chest. "I know it's been a bit of a rollercoaster ride and I wanna slow down but tonight I need...to be in your arms, have you hold me...is that ok?"

He nodded, not trusting his voice. It was so much more than ok but he couldn't put it into words right now. He was too overwhelmed, too choked up by everything that his emotions were in overdrive. This time last night he'd thought it was all over. That his old life didn't want anything to do with him.

Yet tonight he'd gotten more than he could have ever hoped. He couldn't believe this was real.

As she took his hand and smiled at him, he knew that for the first time in 5 years he was gonna sleep well.

A/N - yeah, a day earlier wasn't really what I had in mind when I said I'd update quickly! Sorry, real life got in the way again! I hope it was worth the wait and you enjoyed their reunion. I'm not sure how quick the next chapter will be up as I have to finish writing part of it and given we're in December I should really pick up writing the Christmas fic that I abandoned last year! I'll do my best though.

Thanks for all the reviews and as always would love to hear your thoughts :o)