So what if you can see the darker side of me

The stale reek of rotting food and cigarette butts was what I awoke to the next morning. I lifted my head minutely from the itchy fabric of a sofa cushion and peered around the unfamiliar room with one squinting eye. It took all but ten seconds to remember where I was. I felt like I'd gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson, and the boxer must've finished me off with one final punch to the nose. Because the small feature on my face was throbbing. I needed a bath, too. It felt as if thousands of bugs were crawling around my skin, stomping dirt between the pores with their tiny feet.

While still in the hazy remnants of sleep, I gazed around the room through half-lidded eyes and pointed out each and every aspect that I didn't want to become part of me as it had Sai. I should've been at home, waking up in my own bed and getting ready for another day at school with Naruto. I wondered what it'd be like outside the sphere that I called my life looking in, not standing alone within this sinking bubble. Would I be banging on the soundproof glass, screaming for sanity, or would I have turned my back on myself long ago?

I shook my head as if to clear it from the fuzzy haze that danced around my brain. Scratching at my bare chest, I lifted myself from the sofa and peeled a food wrapper from my stomach. The walls were grey with graffiti tags scrawled across the old paper, and I kicked at an old, crushed beer can that lay at my feet.

"Quit being so noisy." I gazed left to search out where Sai's voice had travelled from. I found him nestled in the corner with a frayed blanket covering his small form. He looked kind of pitiful with his pale skin and body structure that resembled that of a ten-year-old. Sure he was taller, but he was drastically under weight. I pulled my phone from my pocket. Good, I still had time to get ready and go to school. Sai opened his eyes to blink at me through the early morning light streaming in from ripped curtains. "What time is it?"

"Time I get going. I've got school in an hour and a half." I rubbed at my face, removing the oil that'd mounted up on my skin through the night's sleep. My fingers paused when they grazed a few painful bumps. Great, my face was breaking out.

Sai did the same before standing. "You look like shit."

"I could say the same about you."

"Thanks." He rummaged through a few drawers, pulled out a small device which I'd never seen before and collapsed where I'd just been laying on the sofa to spark his lighter and suck in whatever drug the gadget contained. "Here," he said, letting the smoke slip from his lips in wispy layers. "You're going to want to come down slowly. After the amount of shit we took last night, you're going to be feeling dead by the end of the day if you don't ease it out your system."

I took a few hits and collapsed in the sofa beside him. I didn't have a hangover yet, but that was because I still had enough toxins in my system to keep me going. The room still spun as it did the night before, and my neck had produced a slight twitch, which left my body shaking every now and then. How much had I taken last night? I knew I'd ended up doing a couple more lines, but the last thing I remembered without distortion was putting some small piece of paper on my tongue.

A grimy mirror sat in the corner of the room, but I refused to look at my appearance. If what Sai looked like was anything to go by, I must've looked like complete crap. "What did that Kiba guy mean last night about you knowing better than most about having to make a living?" I asked, knowing it wasn't my place, but the eerie silence was beginning to make my ears buzz. And at that moment all I wanted to do was go back to sleep, not leave into the cold morning air to trek home and get ready for school, so a distraction was needed.

The older boy, who I'd decided resembled the Uchiha in a small way, leant his head back to rest against the sofa. "It's old news, so why not?" He asked himself. "Do you have a brother?"

"Yeah. Although sometimes I wonder what's the point of identifying him as such."

Sai quirked his lips into that unmoving smile and turned his head on the back cushion to peer at me. "I had a brother once." He nodded. "Once. When I turned seventeen, we found out why he was getting ill so often. AIDS isn't a cheap disease to provide for." He dug back through a drawer and tossed an old, worn book into my lap. It contained no words. Only pictures. With a black-haired boy on one side and a silver-haired boy on the other. "We never took any photos," he said. "I only have the pictures I've drawn. Mum wasn't much use. A heroin addict and a whore. It was left to me to provide money for the hospital bills and medicines, so I dropped out of college and started working the streets." He took the book back, not tearing his eyes from the boys in the pictures. "He died last year, leaving me alone with Mum, who then disappeared a few weeks later." He shrugged, letting the book drop sideways from his hand. "Haven't seen her since. Not since I blamed her for his death. It was her fault, though. Always leaving those needles lying around when we were younger. That must've been how he'd caught it."

I looked away. How could he tell such a story with no emotion behind the words? I wanted to say sorry for his loss, but that seemed so useless compared to the situation. "Why don't you leave the business and get an education now?"

"What—" He lifted his arms to circle the dejected room. "—And leave this luxurious life style? No thanks. Besides, I don't know anything else." He blinked, as if having an after thought. "What's your real name? Mine really one is Sai, by the way."

"I'm Gaara," I said, feeling a barrier being knocked down. "Why don't you use a fake name?"

He shrugged. "The industry is such a big part of my life now, I don't see the point of separating the two anymore. It just gets tiresome." He yawned and scratched at his red eyes before taking another hit. "You know, I like you, Gaara. You haven't hardened yet, that's a rare trait in this trade… you will though, over time." I think that was supposed to be a compliment, but I didn't feel lifted by it. I just sat and nodded a few times. "That tattoo on your forehead. Love, right?"

"Yeah," I answered a tad surprised. People didn't tend to mention it anymore, like the job to him, it was a part of my life that'd become a piece of who I was. Nobody thought twice about it, including me. Some days I'd even forget it was there until I lifted my bangs in the mirror.

"I bet that has an interesting story behind it."

"Yeah, one I'd rather not talk about."

"Suit yourself." He stood, and I found myself doing the same. I really had to get going, and sitting around wasn't going to sober me up anymore or make me less tired.

"You go to St. Konohas?" he asked nonchalantly, stepping past to enter a different room.

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"It's the only one around the area," he said, emerging again with a uniform in hand. "Here. It saves you a trip home, at least. Don't look so shocked. I used to attend there, too. You probably wouldn't remember me, though. I would've been in my last year when you were in your first. I look a lot different now."

After giving my thanks, I slipped into the old clothing. Its fusty smell was enhanced with the lingering sent of cigarette smoke and weed. I pulled a face, but I wasn't complaining. Hopefully after going outside it would air out a bit.

I hadn't expected Sai to walk me to school, but the company was appreciated. I was definitely used to him by now – and I felt a little envious of the way he'd just speak his mind without worrying about what others would think. Most would probably see it as arrogance, as I did when I first met him, but that just seemed to be who he was. Or who he had become over the last few years.

"You have my number," Sai said as we stood at the gates of St. Konohas. His obsidian eyes moved toward the school and seemed to glaze over slightly. But whether that was from drug consumption or past memories fogging his mind, I didn't know. For a split second, I wondered who Sai had been before leaving this place, but then realised that that young boy was long gone, so there was no point to the exercise. "Give me a call some time." Before his eyes left the building, a light glinted within them. I thought he might have been recollecting some cherished memory, but that assumption was abruptly thrown away when he grabbed my face and kissed me.

The shock stumped me into immobility, but I soon pushed him away, wiping my mouth with the dull coloured sleeve to the old uniform. "What the fuck was that?"

Sai's unreadable smile was back as he pointed. "Those three boys… oh, they're gone."

"What?"

"There were three boys standing over there – a blond and two brunets. One of the brunets was pointing, so I thought I'd have a bit of fun."

"What the hell was fun about that?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. You know how teenagers are about queer kids. Hopefully it'll cause you some trouble. Get your arse kicked maybe… I hope you know how to fight."

The fuck? Stupid bipolar git. "I'm not queer!"

"Really?" He looked honestly surprised. "Well, could've fooled me." He shrugged. "Oh well, catch you around some time."

"Bloody bastard."

He chuckled. "Bye."

Mr. Kakashi wasn't heading the class when I entered. Of course he wasn't, I doubted the man knew what punctual even meant. Searching the room for a particular blond tuft of hair ended pointlessly, so I dumped my bag at a table the four of us usually occupied and slouched into the chair. Shikamaru's and Sasuke's gaze burned holes into my flesh as I tried to avoid eye-contact, but in the end I decided to just get the topic out the way. I knew what they wanted to ask, so why drag it out any longer than necessary?

I lifted my shoulders and raised my head to peer at the two brunets – one with quizzical eyes and the other with confused. "About what happened outside—"

"Are you gay?" Sasuke blurted. Tact never was his forte.

I found myself feeling rather defensive to that slip of tongue. Just because I wasn't homosexual didn't mean I wouldn't still take offence, I mean, I slept with guys most days of the week. "So what if I were, would you have a problem with that?"

Sasuke snorted. He was probably the only person I knew who could make that grunting noise sound dignified. "I don't have a problem with Naruto, so why would I have one with you?"

"What Sasuke means," Shikamaru said, not allowing a seconds pause between the conversation. "Is, we were just wondering who that boy at the gates was."

"Do I?"

"You do."

I raised an eyebrow at their unusual behaviour. I'd probably never understand them, so what was the point in bothering to decipher what their blabbering meant? "He was just a friend." I directed my gaze to Sasuke. "And I'm not gay." That seemed to end the conversation, or at least it was good enough for Sasuke to decide he no longer wanted to talk about it. His attention had been tugged by something else… My face.

"What happened to your cheek? And what's wrong with your eyes, you look like you haven't slept in a week?"

I shrugged, letting my cold fingers run over my eyes to soothe them a bit. "I fell over, and I haven't been sleeping well."

Shikamaru's all seeing eyes scoped my face, his dull features never changing their relaxed state. "Can I speak to you outside for a moment?" And I knew straight away that this wasn't going to be a friendly chat, but I grabbed my bag and followed him through the desks of students until we were in the quiet corridor all the same.

"Well, what did you want?" I asked, leaning my back against the wall. I couldn't look into his deciphering eyes. In a way I feared he'd be able to read my mind.

"Go home."

"Excuse me?"

"Before Mr. Kakashi takes one look at you and sends you to the head teacher's office for being high in school. You'll be excluded for good."

"I'm not—"

"Don't give me that. Sasuke might not be able to tell, but that's because he's probably never seen anyone on drugs before. But it's so obvious, I don't know how you even made it to class without a teacher stopping you."

For a moment neither of us spoke. We just watched each other, waiting for the other to back down. When he didn't move, I uncrossed my arms nonchalantly and pushed up from the wall. He was right, but that didn't mean I had to be happy about it. "Fine, I'll go."

But when I went to push past him, his hand flew out to stop me. "I don't know what you're doing," he said, holding his palm flat against my chest so I didn't walk away. "And quite frankly I don't want to know, either. But what ever it is, you're hurting Naruto much deeper than I think you understand."

I didn't appreciate him sticking his nose into my business. He may have been a genius, but he had it all wrong. I wasn't the one at blame here. "It has nothing to do with me. He's the one being an idiot. Where is he, anyway?"

"He left complaining of a headache before we got to class. You know, straight after seeing you with that boy. Use your head, Gaara, and stop being so unobservant and selfish."

I batted his hand away. "How am I being selfish? You may think you understand what's going on here, but you don't. So just butt out."

He sighed through his nose, raising his hands to rest behind his head. "Fine, you and Naruto are both too troublesome to deal with. I'm no longer interested, just try to figure it out before it's too late."

"Whatever. I'll keep that in mind."

Ignorant bastard, thinking he knows what's what.

I threw my bag down and dumped Sai's old, green blazer on the floor on my way to Kankurou's room, not giving a second thought to the piece of clothing laying in a heap. I loosened the tie before pushing his bedroom door open. Not here. Good. Unsharpened pencils and wads of paper fell to the floor as I tipped the drawer in his nightstand upside down. Nothing. I pulled out another drawer and turned it to let its contents pile up at my feet.

Damn it. Where'd he keep that stuff?

I couldn't stand this irregular beating in my chest or throbbing headache anymore. I ran pale fingers through my greasy, red locks, and the strands clumped together as I pulled them away. Dropping to the floor in one quick movement, I lifted his sheets to peer under the bed. The corner of a plastic bag hung out between the wood below his mattress. Bingo.

After dropping a few notes onto his bed, I took one of the bags to my room and practically ripped it open, making sure not to lose a single spec of white dust into the air. I didn't pause for a moment to think, because I knew the tiny nagging voice at the back of my head would try to stop me. What was the unrecognisable murmur that plagued my mind less and less as the days rolled by? Perhaps my conscience? Or maybe Real Gaara? Just like the bathroom mirror, my two separate sides had cracked, and the shards were being swept farther and farther apart. Leaving me with remains of jagged glass.

I used the thin edge of my library card to cut the substance into a few lines, each thicker than the last. With one finger over a nostril, I bent to snort. My head shook as I wiped away the powder on my face Addiction wasn't my reasoning, I just wanted to feel better. I wanted to lose myself, if only for a moment longer. And if this was the only way, then so be it. It's not like I had anything else to look forward to. Hang out with Shikamaru and Sasuke? No thanks. See Naruto? Not an option...

Sleep with men for money..?

I stumbled from my crouching position and leaned back against the base of my bed, one knee propped up to lay an arm over it. That was one way to lose myself, but in that aspect there wasn't much more to lose. The boy I'd been before had already slipped away unnoticed. But then again, how much of me had been there in the first place? I'd been slipping away slowly since Mum died, I'd just never realised it before, and now I'd gone too far to go back.

My head tilted up, and I watched the ceiling as the swirls moved and wiggled in a provocative dance of shapes and colours. The walls were crying, wallpaper crawling around like it'd been possessed by horrors hiding in the dark. I stood when a thumping noise began invading my senses. I'd had this same wallpaper since I was a young boy. This very wallpaper was the same I'd came back to after Mum's funeral, after being released from hospital with bandages and casts around my arms… it's the same I'd came back to after weeks of being with my uncle when social services took me away.

Yashamaru…

The very same uncle who loved kids and spoiled me rotten with sweets and toys…

My chest tightened, and the shallow breaths coming through my mouth sharpened until I could barely control them. Arms rapped around me, and it took a second to realise that they were my own.

… He loved games. We played a lot of games. Most leaving me with a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach.

A dying animal. That's what the whines sounded like. But there was no animal in danger of losing its life. The sounds were coming from my throat, and became worse as I tried to stop them. I couldn't help but rip at the shiny hairs on my head. I couldn't look at it anymore. I couldn't stand to see it surrounding me, mocking me, laughing at me. It had to go...

…I refused to leave it crawling around as if it were alive and haunting me. Hunting me like a scared little mouse… not a mouse, a bird. Trapped. Fly little bird, fly. But you can't, your wings are clipped. Don't scream. I'm here. I'm here to embrace you, possess you and keep you from breaking away and becoming what you truly want…

… Gaara, where are you? …

… Footsteps behind a closed door … A teddy in my grasp as I hide underneath a bed, behind a closet door …

I flew at the walls, gripping the paper and dragging it down.

… I have some sweets for you … You like sweets, don't you? … A nod of a tiny head …

Paper screamed its throaty noise as it gripped the wall in attempts to stay.

… We're going to play a game, Gaara … You like games, right? … The teddy doesn't protect me …

… Where are you, my precious little boy? …

The wallpaper lay dead on the floor in clumps of mess, waiting to be added to as I clawed at what was left – nails ripping from flesh and bleeding.

… My little angel …

My fist collided with the bare surface beside my bed.

… That's it, you're doing it just right …

"Stop," I whispered, words locking in my throat and coming out as if my neck had been sliced.

… There's nothing wrong with doing it like this …

"Shut up…" I covered my head, trying to block the voices bouncing around the walls.

… You're so beautiful … don't look so scared, it's just a camera … see, now you can see how pretty you are, too …

"Don't touch me!"

… Only I love you, Gaara. You're so perfect … A hand reaching down … Me shaking under the strain of my small body's reaction …

I stepped back as if pushed; tripping over the box I'd cut the coke on and fell into the paper. My fingers curled into the material.

… Gaara, where are you? Don't you want to play? …

My eyes widened as a black figure swooped across the ceiling above me, and a strangled scream threatened to shred my throat to pieces just as I had shredded the paper, and my ears threatened to bleed just as my nails had bled.

A throaty moan left my lips when the doorbell pulled me sharply from a dreamless sleep. I peeked at my alarm clock. Who the hell would be knocking at 2pm? I stood from the pile of wallpaper and moaned again. Now I was going to have to redecorate. What the hell was I thinking? I kicked at a piece stuck to my foot and staggered tiredly down the hallway, picking up Sai's blazer as I went.

Whoever this was, it had better be good. Because my head was killing me, and my throat was dry enough to assume I'd been eating sandpaper. I unlatched the door and froze as my veins turned to ice, eyes probably resembling Ping-Pong balls. What the hell?

"Naruto?" His blotchy face and red nose didn't make him look too healthy, but it was obvious by the glisten still remaining in his eyes that he'd been crying. His usual spiky hair lay flat against his head, sticking up in places as if he'd been pulling at it. I stepped to the side wordlessly and let him pass into the hallway. I didn't turn to him again until I'd shut the door, but I could hear his sniffing. And when I did move to finally look at him, he was standing close. Too close for comfort. "What do you want?" Because honestly, it might have been the drugs or the fact I'd just woken up, but I had no idea why he was there.

His lips pursed and his mouth hung open a few seconds before answering. "You."

Well, there we go. Another chapter down. That was some trip. I hope I portrayed it well enough.

Chiru - Thank you for such a wonderful review. I wasn't able to reply to you since you didn't have an account, so I thought I'd thank you here.

Review if you liked it. I enjoy reading what others have to say.

XX