Chapter 10

Olivia sat alone in the dark apartment; the rain pounding against the window matched her tears that were falling. She stared at the two little onsies in her hands, one pink one blue. The day they had found out Alex was pregnant Olivia couldn't help herself and ran out and bought them on her lunch break. She had planned on giving them to Alex that evening but considering the turn of events that had taken place later in the day she never had the chance. She neatly folded them and placed them back in the bag before placing the bag on the top shelf of her side of the closet where Alex wouldn't find them. She had briefly considered returning them but that made it all the more final. She decided to keep them in the hopes that one day they would have a baby who could wear them. They'd had a brief few hours of joy knowing they were going to have a baby, but that joy had been snuffed out like a candle when Alex woke her in the middle of the night bleeding. The doctor confirmed their worst fear that Alex had in fact miscarried; chalking it up to stress, falling to the ground after Agent Donovan's car exploded as well as the fact her mother had a couple miscarriages. Olivia wiped her tears as she went to the bathroom where she splashed water on her face to help her calm down.

Olivia grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and sat on the couch as she thought about everything that had gone on in their lives over the past few days. She had somehow managed to convince Alex to take the day after the explosion and the miscarriage off but she had insisted on going to work today. Olivia had offered to go with her, if for no other reason than to ease her own mind about her wife's safety but again Alex refused. So now Olivia found herself sitting in their apartment anxiously waiting for Alex to come home. In a small way she was grateful for the time alone, she had spent the last few days staying strong for Alex that she hadn't had a chance to break down. She was finally allowing all the pent up emotions to come out. She had gone to the gym in their building and took out all her anger, fear and frustration on the equipment until she could barely drag herself back to the apartment. When she stepped under the hot spray of the shower that's when the sadness took over and she allowed her tears to freely fall. She was crying out of fear for Alex, for the situation they found themselves in, and she was also grieving the loss of their baby. Granted they only knew about the baby for less than twenty four hours but in that time Olivia had already began wondering who it would look like, what it would be like to hold the infant in her arms, and even planned out most of the child's life. Her heart was breaking.

Alex rode the elevator in silence. She knew if she had called Olivia would have come down and escorted her upstairs but part of her just wanted a few more minutes away from the brunette. It shocked Alex to feel that way, she never in her life imagined that she would want to be away from Olivia. It wasn't so much wanting to be away from her it was that Olivia was so worried about her, and while Alex more than appreciated it she also felt smothered. She wanted Olivia holding, loving her, telling her everything was going to be okay but in ways she also needed time alone. She needed time to process everything that was happening and she also needed time to grieve the loss of her baby. She knew Olivia was grieving as well and she hoped their time apart today had allowed them both some time to heal.

Alex smiled when the elevator came to a stop and Fin stepped off in front of her checking the hallway before allowing her off. She was so grateful for her detectives. She had told them that they didn't have to help with the case the DA's office had investigators who could, but as Fin pointed out they were 'a bunch of punks'. Alex wouldn't admit it but she secretly agreed with Fin. She had planned on being taken home by her detail but was grateful when Fin 'just happened' to show up and offer to take her home. She smiled when she walked into the apartment and saw Olivia sitting on the couch. Fin left after making both ladies promise that if they needed him for anything to call. They made small talk as Alex changed clothes and Olivia offered to fix dinner which drew a chuckle from the blonde. Both knew they needed to talk but both were unsure of how to say what they wanted to say. They ordered in from one of their favorite restaurants and ate their dinner in relative silence. After cleaning up Olivia fixed them both a cup of tea and took it in to Alex who was curled up on the couch. Olivia had to smile at the sight of Alex wearing one of her Army sweatshirts. She took a few minutes to compose her thoughts before speaking; she knew what she wanted to say she just hoped it wouldn't backfire on her.

"Alex we need to talk." she said sounding more confident than she felt.

"About what?"

"I want you to drop this case."

"Olivia we've been through this." Alex sighed.

Olivia took a deep breath and steeled her nerves "I know we have. That's why I'm telling you to drop the case."

Alex raised her eyebrows as she sat up and sat her cup down. "You're telling me?"

"Yes Alex I'm telling you. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you to drop this case." Olivia watched the expression Alex's face change and she couldn't help but wonder how much damage she had just done to her marriage.

"You're telling me?!" Alex almost shouted as she jumped from the couch and began pacing the room "You're telling me? Are you fucking kidding me? Just who the hell do you think you are Olivia?" Alex knew if she hadn't been under so much stress she wouldn't have snapped the way she did. She had never imagined Olivia would be ordering her what to do.

Olivia walked over till they were looking eye to eye "I'm your wife Alex. I love you more than anything in the world and I can't stand by and let you get killed. I won't do it! Now maybe it sounds demanding on my part and I don't mean for it to but it's how I feel. Alex I'm scared. I'm terrified that something is going to happen to you. I can't lose you." she said as she finally broke.

As angry as Alex was at Olivia demanding she drop the case she couldn't help but soften a little at the look of fear and hurt on the brunette's face. "Olivia I…" she was cut off before she could finish.

Now that the emotions were flowing Olivia couldn't stop "Alex we're young, we're so young! We have our whole lives ahead of us. Please I just…" she ran her hands through her hair as she turned and began to pace. When she turned back to face the blonde her heart broke as she imagined everything that could possibly happen to her wife. "Alex you have got to drop this case. You have too. Please Alex you have to drop it."

"Olivia in all the time we've been together I never imagined you would tell me what to do." she wiped her tears "Are you still adamant I drop this case?"

Olivia gave her a sincere look "Yes, I am."

Alex nodded "Well then you'll be glad to know that Branch called me to his office today and told me that we are handing the case over to the Feds." Olivia breathed a sigh of relief but could tell Alex wasn't finished yet. "I guess he is just another person who thought that he knew what was best for me. I guess he too doesn't have enough faith in me to prosecute this case."

"Hey." Olivia said as she pulled Alex into her arms "I have faith in you. You are the best prosecutor the DA's office has." She placed her hand under Alex's chin and pulled Alex's head up so they were looking eye to eye. Alex kept her eyes downcast "Look at me baby." she whispered. She smiled when Alex met her gaze. She lightly placed her hand on the blonde's face and ran her thumb across her cheek "I have more faith in you than anyone else in the world. I believe in you Alex. There's not a doubt in my mind that you could prosecute and win this case. It's the other people I worry about. These are dangerous people Alex. They will stop at nothing to protect their interests." She grinned "Even the Ice Queen doesn't scare them."

Alex laughed lightly "I'm sorry. I know you believe in me but I've never been one to back down or give up and I hate that I have to do that now."

"I know you do. I'd feel the same way if it was me. I'd also be upset if you tried to tell me I couldn't do something just like you're upset with me."

"I'm sorry I blew up like I did."

Olivia led her over to her favorite chair and pulled Alex down into her lap "I know you are and I'm sorry for demanding that you drop it."

"Don't be. I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing if the situation was reversed." Olivia raised an eyebrow causing Alex to laugh. "What else should we expect with as stubborn as we both are?"

"I want you to know I wasn't trying to control you I'm just so afraid of losing you. We've…" she sighed and wiped the tears that had begun again "We've already lost so much because of this case." She let her hand rest gently on Alex's stomach "I couldn't bear to lose you too."

Alex wiped her own tears as she looked down at Olivia's hand "I know and I blame myself for losing our baby. Maybe if I'd listened to you in the first place it wouldn't have happened. I'm so sorry Liv."

"Hey, hey, it's not your fault." Olivia whispered as she ran her fingers through Alex's hair. "It could be any number of reasons. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be this time. It doesn't mean I'm not upset about it. I was already head over heels in love with him or her and I'm grieving just the same as you. We can't shut each other out Alex."

Alex melted into Olivia's embrace as they both allowed their emotions to take over. They were grieving the loss of their baby but they were also allowing the anger and fear over the threat to Alex's life to come out. They spent the rest of the evening curled up in the chair together holding one another as they allowed their hearts to heal together.

Alex, Olivia and Elliot sat in a bar not far from their apartment; drowning their sorrows together. Elliot watched his friend and her wife; he knew something other than the case was bothering them he just wasn't sure what it was. He'd tried asking Olivia when Alex had gone to the restroom but she wouldn't tell him. She did however assure him that they were okay. After a little longer Alex announced she was ready to leave. She wanted to go home, curl up in Olivia's arms and forget the last couple weeks had ever happened. It had been miserable the only bright spot being the several hours that they knew they were expecting a baby. She knew Olivia wanted to bring up children again but had yet to do so. Alex also wanted to discuss children but she decided to wait. She was planning on maybe bringing it up that weekend. It was Olivia's weekend off and the only plans they had was being together, and both were looking forward to it. Elliot asked if they would like a ride but Alex refused they weren't far from home and she felt like walking. She was smiling at Olivia and reaching for her hand when she felt a searing pain in her shoulder. She felt Olivia next to her as they both hit the pavement and she barely registered the look of fear in the brown eyes she loved so much. She could feel Olivia's hand pressing against her and could hear her wife repeating her name and begging her to stay with her. Alex was doing everything in her power to hold onto Olivia's voice but she couldn't fight off the darkness when as it began to take over.

"Alex. Alex. Alex." Olivia repeated over and over as she pressed her hands onto the wound trying to stop the bleeding. The blood seeping from Alex's shoulder was warm against her hands that had grown cold with fear. She was yelling for someone, anyone to call an ambulance.

The next little bit seemed to fly by but in slow motion. Olivia held Alex's hand and begged her not to leave her as the paramedics did everything in their power to save her. Once sitting in the ER waiting room she stared at her blood soaked hands as she cried. Elliot wrapped his arms around his friend and held her. He couldn't imagine how it would feel if he was in Olivia's shoes and it was Kathy in a life or death situation. He could hear Olivia mumbling Alex's name, how much she loved her and begging her not to go. It was breaking his heart, Olivia had always had a rough life and Alex was the best thing to ever happen to her. In all the years he'd known the brunette he'd never seen her as happy as she was after meeting Alex.

Olivia was grateful for Elliot being there with her but she wished her mother in law was there. She loved Caroline like she was her own mother and Caroline treated her as her own daughter, she wished she was there to lean on. Caroline had been notified of the shooting but was attending a friend's anniversary party in Westchester County so her detail was doing their best to get her to the hospital.

As the minutes turned into hours Olivia was growing more nervous. The detectives from the one-six had arrived to show their support, as well as Liz Donnelly. Olivia had asked for updates but was told Alex was still in surgery. Liz and Capt. Cragen both had used every trick up their sleeve to get information but to no avail. Finally a little over two hours after arriving at the hospital a nurse entered the room "Benson family?"

Olivia stood and she and Caroline, who had just arrived, were led back to a private room. They held one another as they waited for the doctor. When the doctor, who appeared to be in her late thirties, entered the room Olivia squeezed her mother in law's hand tighter.

"I'm Dr. Johnson." She said extending her hand.

Olivia cleared her throat "Olivia Benson, I'm Alex's wife and this is her mother Caroline." She wiped her tears "How is Alex?"

"Mrs. Benson your wife was brought in with a gunshot wound to her shoulder. The bullet fragmented when it hit the bone. One of the fragments severed an artery which we rushed her into surgery to repair." She took a deep breath before continuing.

As Olivia listened she began shaking and felt her chest tightening. She heard Caroline begin crying again but it was as if she was unable to process what the doctor was saying. She looked at the older woman with a confused look "What?"

"Your wife lost a lot of blood Mrs. Benson, we did everything we could. I'm so sorry but she didn't make it."

A/N: *insert L&O order sound here* Don't hate me. Thank you for the reviews. I hopefully won't leave you hanging to long I plan to have the next chapter up in the next couple days. Let me know what you think. I hope you enjoyed!