Chapter 10 – A Change of Routine.
Lexi had fallen in to a routine at the cabin, she would wake, take a quick shower, hike 4 miles in the woods then return to the cabin for breakfast.
The next morning Jay joined her on her hike. They walked in silence mostly, just listening to the sound of nature around them, the birds, forest creatures, the wind blowing the trees. They reached a high point, a large boulder stuck out of the ground, Lexi used this as a break spot. She figured it was roughly 2 miles in to the 4 miles she liked to walk.
Lexi took the rucksack off her back and rested it on the boulder, she took out two bottles of water and passed one to Jay. "Thanks" he said taking the bottle.
Lexi put the rucksack on the floor and leant on the boulder, watching Jay drink from his water bottle. He looked like the perfect television advert model, stood a little higher than her, the sun behind him, haloing around him as he tilted his head back to drink from the bottle, his white t-shirt clung to him where he had begun to sweat. Lexi was admiring the view as she drank her own water, her mind went to their kiss again.
Lexi shook her head breaking her daydream. "I don't know how to be in Chicago without Shay" Lexi explained looking at him. She knew him finding out about her wanting to transfer from someone else was harsh, she should have told him, he deserved better from her. She felt she owed him an explanation. "I've only ever been there with her, we moved there together, we lived together, I don't know Chicago without her"
"It doesn't mean you have to leave"
"I'm scared Jay, I'm scared I'll make new memories and they will replace the old ones and I'll forget her" Lexi admitted, she looked down at her feet a little ashamed, then stood up straight, she shouldn't be ashamed for any feelings she had, her therapist had told her that. She had to own any feeling she had, even if she couldn't pinpoint why she felt that way.
"No, you won't. You won't ever be able to forget" Jay reassured her "Shay is all over that city, all the good she did, all the people she saved, she's everywhere and I won't let you forget." He approached her and took her in his arms, he kissed her forehead.
Lexi sighed in to him and always got a little shiver down her spine when he kissed her in such a flippant way. It probably meant nothing to him, it was just a friendly gesture to him, Lexi wasn't sure he knew what an effect he was having on her lately.
She felt a little guilty, she had always felt something for him but never acted on it because they worked together and because of Kelly. But then she thought maybe she only felt that way because he was there for her when she needed him the most, maybe it was the grief making her feel something that wasn't real?
Jay pulled out of the hug quicker than Lexi would have liked "Come on, let's get back, I'm starving"
"You can't handle it can you?" Lexi asked laughing, he was struggling with the hike.
"Nope" Jay admitted "I'm totally going to pass out if you make me carry on" Jay started walking back the way they had come, Lexi followed laughing at him.
Later that night.
"Thanks" Lexi said accepting the mug of coffee Jay offered her before sitting on the couch beside her placing his own mug on the table in front of the couch. Lexi repositioned herself, so her legs were tucked up beneath her and she was facing Jay. "I'm sorry about the whole transfer thing. I should have told you"
"Don't be, unless you're going through with it?" Jay turned to look at her, he wanted to gauge her reaction. Lexi shook her head. "Good. Cause I don't know Chicago without you" he reminded her.
"I know" she told him putting her mug next to his on the coffee table "you can't get rid of me that easily Halstead" she teased poking his side.
Jay smiled, and Lexi's stomach did the happy flip thing again "and the living situation? Are you moving in with me?" Jay sounded hopeful.
"No, it's not a good idea" Jay's expression told her she needed to elaborate "we work together, then there's the whole kiss thing, it's just asking for trouble"
"I like a bit of trouble" He winked at her.
Lexi laughed "exactly my point" she retrieved her coffee and took a sip, enjoying the sweet, hot liquid.
"About that kiss," Jay began as she put her coffee down "we never did talk about it" Lexi starred at him expectantly, she wasn't going to offer anything up about the kiss, if he wanted to talk about it, he could start the conversation. "I have to know, why?" he surveyed her face, looking from her eyes to her lips "why did you kiss me?" he felt stupid he couldn't look at her any longer, he looked away and continued "I know it was a bad day for you, with the funeral and Kelly but is that the only reason?"
They had done more than kiss whilst they were undercover, many years before. Jay always stirred when he thought about it, she had been one of the best he had ever had. They had both agreed that they would keep their relationship platonic when Jay joined the CPD, and until that kiss nothing more had ever happened between them. Jay remembered the feel of her hands on his skin and his mind flashed to the image of her stood in the middle of his kitchen, her dress on the floor, staring back at him.
He recalled the feel of her lips on his and he felt like that kiss had been different, different to all the kisses they had shared whilst they were undercover. Different to all the kisses she had planted on his cheek when he had needed it, different to all the kisses he had put on her head when he hugged her.
Lexi didn't like the unsure tone of his voice, Jay Halstead was never unsure, he was self-aware, cocky even at times, yet he sounded so vulnerable. "You're right, it was a tough day. I was a mess, it was all a bit overwhelming, most of it was a blur, but Jay…" she waited for him to look up at her, when he did she made sure to look him straight in the eye to make sure he understood she meant what she said, "I wanted to kiss you"
"Wanted to, meaning you don't anymore?"
There was that unsure tone again she didn't like again, Lexi began, "Jay, we…"
"It's fine" Jay stood up abruptly interrupting her, he didn't want to hear her reject him. He wasn't sure he could handle it. "Forget I mentioned it" Jay told her walking out the back door of the cabin.
Jay walked down to the dock watching the moon shimmer in the lake. He leant on the supporting post of the dock that stuck up 8 foot out of the water, his hands in his jean pockets.
What was he doing? He was questioning her about their relationship whilst she was getting over the death of her sister and the breakdown of her previous relationship. He was supposed to be helping her processes everything that had happened not giving her more crap to deal with.
He was struggling to deny his feelings for her. Whilst they were undercover with the E.S.C it was easy to deny his feelings, he was playing a role, she was playing a role too, he could tell himself the things they shared, the memories they had created were fake. They were both pretending to be someone else, the intimate moments were all a consequence of the character's they were playing.
He couldn't pinpoint the moment he realised he was in love with her, maybe it happened over time, he just knew he was in love with her.
Jay heard the door to the cabin open and closed his eyes listening to the gravel and dead autumn leaves crunch as Lexi walked over them. She stood on the opposite post facing him, her arms behind her back.
"I'm sorry" Jay told her taking his hands from his pockets and folding his arms over his chest. "I shouldn't be putting this on you right now, or ever"
"Jay it's not that I don't want it, I do. I guess I always have in some way, ever since the E.S.C. but…" she didn't want to say it was complicated, that was cliché, but it was complicated. "Right now, this is all confusing as hell" Jay turned to look at her, mirroring her pose "I know we've never been just friends, I know there's always been something there, something between us. When we were undercover, I told myself it wasn't real, I convinced myself I didn't really know you, that it couldn't be real because we faked it all. Then I had the excuse of being with Kelly. Then you kissed me, and it bought all those old feelings to the surface, but then what if that's just the grief talking? What if I give in to us, give you what you want and then it doesn't work out, I'll lose you too, I couldn't deal with that"
"You won't ever…"
She held her hand up to stop him from talking "you can't promise me that, no one can" she took a deep breath and exhaled.
How could she explain it to him in a way he would understand? How could she tell him he made her happy? Even when she was at her lowest, when she saw him she was happy, she got excited at the thought of seeing him, smiled every time his name flashed up on her caller I.D., she wasn't ready to lose that.
Jay felt guilty for bringing the whole subject up, he knew now wasn't the time, she needed space and time to cope with the death of her sister, he didn't want to put any extra pressure on her, he would let it go for now. Although he was worried when they returned to Chicago she would go back to Kelly, forgive him for everything he had said and done. Then Jay would be on the side-lines again.
Lexi shivered as the wind swept over the lake hitting them on the dock. "Come on, let's go inside" he held his hand out to her, she took it and they walked back to the cabin together.
After their talk on the dock they had sat on the couch and watched a Hallmark movie, neither one really paying attention but using it as an excuse not to talk. The movie finished and they both decided to go to bed.
Jay walked through the cabin, locking doors and ensuring windows were closed and secure whilst Lexi went upstairs to use the cabin's only bathroom first. Lexi brushed her teeth, then changed in to her loose-fitting white t-shirt and shorts pyjama's. She realised Shay had bought her the pyjama set she wore, she smiled thinking about Shay. Tears filled her eyes as she realised it was the first time she had thought of Shay and smiled rather than cried.
Lexi looked at herself in the mirror above the sink, smiling, happy. She collected her dirty clothes from the floor and threw them in the laundry hamper that stood by the door.
Jay came up the stairs as Lexi left the bathroom, he waited on the top step for her to pass before walking towards the bathroom. "Jay" he turned at the sound of her calling his name.
She stood with her hand on the door handle to her bedroom, looking down at her feet. Jay could tell she was feeling guilty, it was written all over her face. "What's up?" he asked
"I'm happy when I'm with you" Lexi began still not looking up from her feet. He thought she felt guilty from their earlier conversation but now it was evident she felt guilty for being happy. "I've sort of enjoyed my time here, is that wrong?" she didn't pause long enough for him to answer. "It's been tough at times, don't get me wrong but spending time with you…I'm supposed to be mourning my sister but every minute I've spent with you I've been happy. I didn't think happy would be something I'd feel for a long while but I'm happy when I'm with you. I don't want to lose that. I'm scared something will happen and we'll lose what we have." Finally, she looked up meeting his eyes waiting for a reaction.
Jay marched towards her and took her face in his hands, kissing her passionately. She kissed him back her arms around his waist. He didn't care it wasn't the right time, when was it ever the right time when it came to the two of them? He didn't care she thought she might only have feelings for him because she was coping with a loss, he knew better, he knew she felt for him the way he felt for her, he would just have to show her.
Lexi felt Jay's hand travel from her face to the small of her back, putting his hand under the loose-fitting t-shirt she wore, his hand travelled up sending goose bumps down her body, she reached for the hem of his t-shirt, they simultaneously pulled apart and took their own shirts off.
Lexi opened her bedroom door and walked in backwards, to ensure Jay was following her. "Are you sure?" he asked, her lips reclaiming his as they fell on the bed together told him she was sure.
"You got better at that" Lexi joked breathing heavily as Jay lay atop her catching his breath.
Jay laughed as he rolled off her and lay beside her. "Funny I was just going to say the same thing to you"
Lexi laughed, "I need a drink, then round two" she climbed over him, kissing him quickly before hopping off the bed.
"Definitely" he agreed as he watched her find her discarded pyjamas and dress before leaving the room.
The cabin was lit by the moonlight pouring through the curtain-less windows. Lexi went to the kitchen and retrieved the bottle of orange juice from the fridge, she poured herself a glass then stood by the patio doors staring out in to the night.
Lexi heard Jay descend the stairs and shortly after felt his arms wrap around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder he asked, "Any regrets?"
"No" Lexi shook her head "not one" He kissed her neck then took the glass of orange juice from her drinking the remainder.
"What's playing on that beautiful mind of yours?" he asked taking the glass to the sink.
Lexi sighed heavily, "It's time to go home."
Author Note: Firstly, thank you for reading. I hope you are enjoying the story.
I do have an ending in mind so this won't go on forever, I promise. I currently have up to chapter 19 so still a few twists and turns coming your way 😊
Please leave a review, good or bad, I'm open to all feedback. Although if I'm doing something wrong or you think I could be doing something better please give me some constructive criticism.