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Stephanie stepped inside her house shutting and locking her door behind her. She walked into the living room and dropped her purse on her couch with a sigh. Her mind had been occupied for the last couple of days with thoughts of Paul and Brent. Even today at work that's where her mind had drifted off to and she felt unfocused and that was something she shouldn't be doing. Especially since she was trying to teach a classroom of children. Somehow, she was going to have to keep her work and everything else separate. Usually she had no problems with it but after realizing her growing feelings for Paul it seemed like he was on her mind constantly. Then there were the thoughts of Brent and how guilty she was feeling for even feeling something for Paul. She was scared too that she would start forgetting Brent, like the sound of his voice, the way he would look at her like she was the most important thing to him, their little inside jokes and the way she felt wrapped up in his arms. Which is why now she went searching through her DVD's to find the DVD of her and Brent's wedding. She needed to see him, she needed to hear his voice just to make sure she wasn't forgetting the way he sounded.
After a few minutes of searching she found it and gripped the case it was in suddenly feeling a little scared to take it out and watch it. What if all the pain numbing grief she felt when he died came rushing back? Was she ready to do this without completely falling apart? Seeing the pictures on the wall was sometimes too much for her so how would seeing him and hearing him again be like? A few minutes of wrestling internally over what to do she slowly opened the case and took out the DVD and put it into her DVD player. The need to see him and hear him won over the sudden fear of what she would feel afterwards.
She went over and sat down on the couch grabbing the remote to the television and the DVD player off the coffee table in front of her. Then footage of the church they wed in filled the screen and as soon as she saw him tears instantly pricked her eyes. When it came time for them to speak, no matter how much she had tried to prepare herself, hearing him made all kinds of emotions swirl inside her chest and overwhelmed her. That's when she began to sob uncontrollably to the point she felt like she couldn't breathe and it hurt to even try to breathe. Not just because of the crying but because of the pain of watching and hearing him brought. But she just couldn't turn it off. She sat there watching scene for scene with her vision blurred from the tears.
"Why?" Stephanie asked out loud to the empty room bowing her head and wiping at the tears. So many questions unanswered and would forever remain that way. She didn't understand why Brent was taken so soon and so young. Why she was having to go through all of this pain, why she had to live without him.
"Steph?" She heard her name said and she jumped slightly. She turned her head to see Paul looking worriedly at her and she turned her head quickly and wiped at her eyes. A few seconds passed and Paul's hand was in front of her holding a tissue. She reached out and grabbed it to wipe her eyes and her nose.
"Thanks" Stephanie replied as he sat down beside of her.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes. No" Stephanie replied pushing her hair behind her ears after she felt presentable enough from crying so hard. She waited for him to say something else to her but when she looked over at him he was staring at the television. She was pretty sure he wasn't saying anything because he knew now why she wasn't okay. She looked back at the television to see her and Brent dancing at their wedding reception now. She sniffed and held back the tears that threatened to spill when she watched Brent lean down and whisper in her ear. He had whispered to her how beautiful she looked and how much he loved her and something along the lines of not being able to wait to get her out of her dress. She closed her eyes and let out a loud sigh before she felt arms being wrapped around her and then she was being cradled against Paul's chest.
As he held her she could still feel the pain in her chest but somehow with him holding her it felt bearable. It didn't hurt so bad to breathe through the pain and that's when she knew she was going to be okay. Breathing in and out slowly calming herself down further she felt his fingertips glide up and down her spine and relaxed further into him.
"Thank you" Stephanie said once she didn't feel like she was going to start crying again.
"You don't have to thank me" Paul replied taking his hand from her back and running it through the back of her hair.
"Not to sound ungrateful or that I don't want you here but what are you doing here?"
"I hadn't heard from you in a couple of days and I wanted to know how you were doing."
"You could have called" Stephanie replied raising up from his chest to look at him.
"Yeah I could have but I wanted to see you. Besides this way, you can't hide how you actually are or try to make an excuse to rush off the phone."
"I wouldn't do that" Stephanie replied shaking her head slightly but he looked at her unconvinced.
"Really? So, if you would have picked up and I would have asked if you had been avoiding me because of the night I held your hand you wouldn't have tried rushing off the phone?" Paul asked and she looked away because he was right. She probably would have tried avoiding that conversation because she wasn't ready to talk about that night. Or her growing feelings for him because she wasn't sure how to deal with them or what to do. She didn't want to lead him on either but sometimes she felt like maybe she was already doing that, which made her feel guilty. She felt it was best not to tell him how she was feeling until she could sort all of this out for herself at least. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him or give him hope for something that she wasn't ready for yet. It wasn't right to ask him to wait for her, was it? This is what she had been thinking about and why she wasn't ready to talk about it.
"I haven't been meaning to avoid you it's just I've had a lot on my mind" Stephanie answered as truthfully as she could. She had been avoiding him but not really on purpose, she was just trying to process everything. Which left her not really knowing what to say to him and left her emotions and thoughts all jumbled. "How did you get in I thought I locked the door when I came in."
"You did but I still have your spare key. I tried knocking but I guess you didn't hear me. Now stop trying to change the subject."
"I'm not avoiding you because you held my hand that night but I'm not ready to talk about that night either. Is it okay if we, I don't know, put that conversation on hold for the time being?"
"As long as you can promise me you won't avoid me because of it or let it ruin the friendship that we have."
"I promise."
"Do you want me to turn this off?" Paul asked motioning to the television and she nodded her head without looking at it. Maybe it had been too soon to watch it or maybe she would always feel this way. She didn't know. She just knew right now it was too much for her.
Paul grabbed the remote between them and turned off the television as Stephanie kept her eyes away from the television. He wished there was something he could do to take away all of her pain but he knew that wasn't possible. At least she had let him hold her and comfort her even though she had acted awkward around him the last time they were together. All because he had to go and made the decision to hold her hand the night they watched that movie together. That night was still fresh on his mind, he remembered the way she had this expression on her face as if she was thinking really hard about something at the start of the movie. He couldn't help but wonder what she had been thinking about and after that he wasn't able to take his eyes off her. The movie was just background noise to him as he watched her and the realization of how much he really did care for her hit him hard. The only thing he could think about at that point was wanting to kiss her but instead he found himself brushing his fingers up against her hand without really thinking about what he was doing. She didn't say anything or move her hand so he let his fingers trail against the back of her hand before slipping his hand underneath hers. She still didn't say anything or move her hand or even tense up so he turned his attention to the movie trying to be content with just holding her hand. He still wanted to kiss her but he was afraid to move any further than holding her hand. Afraid that she may freak out if he had kissed her and now knowing that even holding her hand freaked her out he was glad he hadn't tried kissing her. Part of him wished she would have said something then instead of letting him hold her hand but then the selfish part of him was glad she hadn't. He was starting to hate how it was getting harder to keep his feelings towards her under control and it was getting harder to be just her friend. But he wasn't going to push her into anything she didn't want no matter how much harder it was going to be to try to keep things strictly friends between them.
"Have you eaten yet?" Stephanie asked pushing her hair behind her ears as she looked up at him bringing him out of his thoughts.
"Not yet."
"How about I start cooking something? If you want to stay that is."
"I'd like that" Paul replied as she got up and started heading into the kitchen.
A little while later Stephanie finished up her dinner and headed to the bathroom leaving him to finish the rest of his food. They had talked about their day and different topics and it was easy as it always was with no awkwardness which he was glad of. He just hoped it stayed that way.
When Paul finished eating he got up from the table and went to grab Stephanie's plate from her side of the table to wash the dishes for her. But he was interrupted by her calling his name and she sounded panicked so he abandoned the plates at the moment to go to her.
"What's wrong?" Paul asked seeing her standing in the hallway outside the bathroom.
"I need you to kill that spider" Stephanie replied pointing to the side of her bathtub. It wasn't really that big but it wasn't that small either and it was crawling on the side of the bathtub. He had to choke back his laughter at how frightened she was by it. She must have noticed because when he looked back at her she had her eyes narrowed at him. "This is not the time to laugh or make fun of me. Just kill it please."
Trying to hide his smile he went into the bathroom and killed the spider letting it fall to the floor. He then got a piece of tissue and picked it up to throw it away in her waste basket.
"No don't throw it away it in here. Throw it outside."
"Why?" Paul asked looking over at her as she stared at the piece of tissue.
"I don't want it to stay in here incase it's still alive."
"I'm positive it's dead sweetheart" Paul replied but she shook her head.
"Just please throw it outside. I'm just really weird about spiders" Stephanie replied giving a tiny shudder.
"Okay" Paul replied trying to hold back his laughter once again as he came out of the bathroom and she stepped back from him as far as possible. Almost as if the spider was going to come back alive and jump out of the tissue and on to her.
Once he had thrown the piece of tissue in her garbage can outside he went back inside to find her back in the kitchen running water to wash the dishes he was going to wash. She must have been in her own little world or hadn't heard him come back in or come behind her. So, he reached out letting his fingertips barely graze the back of her arm and she tried swiping at the back of her arm and whirled around as he laughed.
"That is not funny" Stephanie said reaching out to smack him on the chest but he grabbed her wrist and brought her close against him. Holding her gently but firmly against him trapping her hands in between them on his chest so she couldn't smack him.
"Did you think it was the ghost of the spider?" Paul asked laughing "or that the spider had come back to life and got out of the tissue before I made it outside."
"I can't help that I'm terrified of spiders" Stephanie replied giving him a little pout. His eyes focused on her pouted lip as he tried to fight the urge to kiss her. Holding back his feelings was going to be a lot tougher than he had actually realized.
Stephanie stared at him as he stared at her lips and for a moment she wondered what it would feel like to kiss him. That was until he slowly started to move his face closer to hers and she realized that maybe she really was leading him on. Maybe it was better to talk about how her growing feelings for him even if she hadn't sorted it out for herself then to keep possibly leading him on. It just wasn't fair to him.
"Paul" Stephanie said turning her head slightly away from him.
"I'm sorry" Paul replied and then cursed under his breath.
"No, I'm sorry. I'm sure I'm giving you all kinds of mixed signals" Stephanie shook her head as he let her go and she stepped back. "I know I said earlier I wasn't ready to talk about the night you held my hand. But maybe we should go ahead and talk about it."
"You don't have to Steph" Paul replied as she went over to the kitchen table and sat down in the chair she had been sitting in earlier.
"I need to" Stephanie replied and motioned for him to come sit beside of her at the table. A few seconds later he came over and sat down beside of her as she tried to think of how to start.
"Are you sure? I don't want to push you into anything or make things more awkward between us" Paul replied and she nodded her head at him and licked her lips.
"The next day after I had run out on you that night I realized I freaked out, you were right about that. But I didn't freak out because you held my hand. I freaked out and ran because I've started to develop feelings for you that I'm not really sure I'm ready for. I wanted to try and sort through this by myself before I said anything but I'm afraid I'm just leading you on and I don't want to hurt you" Stephanie replied laying her hand on top of his hand that was resting on the table. "I just don't know what to do and I can't ask you to wait for me. Especially since I don't know when I'll be ready for what I'm feeling for you. And even though I have started to have these feelings for you there is still a bigger part of my heart that belongs to Brent. There will always be a part of my heart that will belong to him. I feel guilty for even feeling what I am for you."
"Steph, you haven't been leading me on so don't feel guilty or bad about that. As for not wanting to ask to me wait, you don't have to but I will wait. Because what I feel for you is worth exploring if you want to try but I'm not going to push you. I'll take it as slow as you want, you can set the pace between us, you can call all the shots. And I know that Brent will always have a part of your heart. He was a major part of your life and I'm not asking or trying to replace him and I'll never do either one of those. I know you feel guilty but Brent wouldn't want you to be alone for the rest of your life. I'm not just saying this because I want to be with you and I'm not acting as if I knew Brent. I just know if something like that would have happened to me and I had a wife I left behind that I'd want her to move on and be happy. I'll do whatever you want and I'll give you all the time you need" Paul explained as she realized he was the one now holding her hand and stroking his thumb across the back of it.
"Slow is good. Slow is want I need."
"Do you want to keep everything the way it has been and then whenever you're ready then we take the next step you're comfortable with?"
"That sounds good. I'm just scared that it will take a while for me to be ready."
"Don't worry about that right now. Like I said I'm willing to wait and to go slow."
"I know but I can't help but feel guilty for asking you to wait."
"Please don't" Paul replied reaching up and tucking a piece of hair behind her ear and then cupped the side of her face. "I want to and if for some reason, you never feel ready then I'll still be here as your friend."
Stephanie nodded her head slightly and hoped she made the right decision and hoped she didn't end up hurting him.