Chapter Ten: Happiness in Small Doses
Protection…what does that word really mean in the world I live in? It's just a word used to make people feel better. A word that tricks the mind into thinking that you can't be harmed. Safe falls into that category as well. No matter what happened there was no 'safe'. There was no protection at the end of the day. Something always happens and something always does just when you think those two words might mean something.
"You've been attached to that thing for days."
"What?" I said looking at Sam.
"Your pentagram. It's never, not, in your hands." He replied.
"It's for protection, right?" I asked rhetorically.
"Yeah, but it's not going to work any better with you fondling it all the time." He told me.
"Shut up, Sam." I frowned, closing my eyes, as I rubbed my forehead.
"Obsessing about what happened isn't doing anything for you. You need to let it go." He told me.
"He died, Sam. I died and made him watch. Then he died and you went to the dark side. How am I not supposed to obsess about it? And you know it's not just about that. It's all the other stuff too."
"We'll find Bela." He told me. "We'll find her and kill her."
"It's not just that either." I told him with furrowed brows.
"Let's not talk about that just yet." He told me.
"We need to talk about her, Sam. You can't ignore it and neither can I. We need to tell Dean about it."
"Not just yet." Sam said avoiding my eyes. I was about to reply but saw Dean coming back toward us.
"Come to the dark side; we have cookies." Dean smirked as he walked back to our table.
I immediately put a smile on my face as Dean sat next to me. He smiled, his hand moving to my thigh. I gave him a real smile then, kissing him sweetly. He was perfectly fine. I didn't think he understood everything that had happened and that was fine. But as the days went on I could feel the depression starting to sink in. Knowing that each day brought Dean's death closer and closer to being real.
"And where did you get that?" I asked him.
"Bumper sticker outside." He smiled kissing me again. I laughed and hugged him.
"So, what did Bela want this time?" Sam asked him.
"You know, the usual, taunting us. Selling things that don't belong to her." Dean replied.
"Like the rabbits foot?" I grinned and couldn't help but laugh at Sam.
"You're never going to let that go are you?" Sam smiled at me.
"Nope." I said shaking my head. "And you're Batman." I grinned and kissed Dean's temple.
"Shut up." He smirked and pulled me against him. "I am Batman." I laughed loudly, taking his hand in mine. "You ready to go?"
"Yeah." I smiled, still catching my breath. "Hey, beautiful." I told the Impala, and then stopped. "Damn you, Dean. I've been with you too long. I'm starting to talk to your car."
"I don't know what you're complaining about. I'm pretty sure that ring on your finger means you'll be spending a lot of time with me." He grinned back at me. My smile faltered as my fingers twisted the ring on my finger. He noticed and immediately knew what it meant. "Evy…"
"I know." I smiled at him sweetly. I perked myself up and smiled wider at him. "Besides, whatever time you have left belongs to me."
It couldn't be helped. The feeling that was inside of me. When a loved one is diagnosed with an incurable disease, death is imminent, plans need to be made. I didn't know how to plan for what was to come. The year was going by too fast for me. Every night I would lay awake, just watching him sleep. As creepy as it sounded, it sometimes felt like the only time he ever stood still. I trailed my fingers up and down his arms, his chest, caressing his face. I couldn't help myself. I traced the tattoo on his chest, my other hand gently touching the matching one on my own. Smiling, I kissed his forehead, finally lying down. I shut my eyes, praying for sleep. It had been a long day. It would always be a long day. But if I slept well, everything seemed brighter in the morning.
(BREAK)
Rolling off of him I took a deep breath. Grinning I looked over at him. He had a small smile on his face. The kind that made me tingle all over. It wasn't just the sex. He rolled toward me, resting his head on my stomach. I ran my fingers through his hair, moving them down his back. I couldn't help but ogle his muscles, loving the feeling of him on top of me. His hand gently squeezed my side. My smile faltered as I moved my arms around him.
"Tell me what you're thinking." I told him softly.
"How much I love you." He said looking at me.
I smiled, trailing my fingers down his face. "No it's not."
"I'm sorry." He said sitting up.
"What?" I frowned, sitting up across from him.
"I'm sorry about all of this. About what happened about what's going to happen." He said looking at his hands.
"Dean…" I said just looking at him. "Baby, you don't have to be sorry."
"Yes I do." He said nodding.
"No, you really don't." I said straddling his lap. "I'm sorry for not making this easier for you."
"It's not supposed to be easy." He replied as he ran his hands down my back.
"No, it's not. But I've been doing a pretty good job at making you feel guilty."
"It's your right." He said with a small smile.
"Maybe, but it just sucks all around. I don't want you to go and I don't want to dwell on it. I just want to be with you."
"I know. But you know it's not that easy." He said softly.
"I know." I replied, averting my eyes. "Maybe if we get really drunk we'll forget." I smiled at him.
He gave a short laugh before kissing me. "I love you, you know that?"
"I do." I smiled and kissed him again.
"Well, you love me too right? I mean, that's usually what you say." He said with a nervous tone.
I laughed and kissed him again. "I love you too, very much."
"Okay, good." He said and placed a kiss at the base of my throat.
I laughed and kissed his forehead. "It's late, you wanna go to the bar?" I asked him.
"I suppose we could." He replied.
"You don't want to? Beer and karaoke."
"I would love that. I really would but I like you wearing nothing rather than wearing something." He said trailing his lips down my chest.
I leaned back, looking down for a moment. "Yeah, I like you better with nothing on too."
He smiled and kissed me. The heat was building when there was pounding on the door. We froze before sliding off of the bed. We pulled clothes on before I went to the door. Opening it, Katy was looking at me.
"Katy…" I said looking at her with shock. "What are you doing here?" I asked her.
"I'm not sure." She told me with red eyes.
"Come in." I told her pushing the door open further.
I sat her down on the bed. My mind was trying to think of what to say. Dean moved to my side, putting his hand on my lower back.
"Sweetie…" I said kneeling in front of her. "What's going on?"
"I don't know!" She yelled at me.
I stepped back, looking at Dean. Sam came in then with an odd expression on his face. "What is it?" I asked him.
"I really need to talk to you." Sam told me.
"Dean…?" I said looking at him. He nodded. I moved outside with Sam. "What is it?"
"Something's off with her." He told me.
"What do you mean?" I asked frowning.
"I don't know. But watching her go up to the door it just seemed like something was off. The way she walked. It was like she was fighting with herself."
"And that means something's wrong with her? She's upset, that's obvious, but nothing's wrong with her." I told him as my anger started to boil.
"I'm not saying I know for sure I'm just saying –"
"You're saying what, Sam?!" I yelled at him. "You're saying that because my friend shows up here upset that something is going on with her? What, do you think that it's something supernatural?"
"It could be. It wouldn't be too farfetched." Sam told me softly.
"Sam, what the fuck?" I frowned at him. "Why would you automatically jump to that conclusion?"
"How did she know you were here? We don't tell anyone where we are." Sam replied.
"I don't know. That's not really the point is it? I'm sure it wouldn't be too hard to track us down. She is a close friend of mine." I told him.
"She doesn't know what we do, does she?" Sam asked.
"No, I never told her." I said crossing my arms. "Listen, I don't have time for this. I have to get back to her."
"Alright, I'm sorry if I pissed you off." Sam said averting his eyes.
"It's fine." I said and walked back into the room.
I stopped as soon as the door was open. Dean was standing on the other side of the room, his expression was worried. Katy was where I had left her. I took a step toward Katy and Dean put his hand out. I looked at him, confused, before sitting next to Katy, putting my hands on her arms. Dean looked relieved. I frowned at him before gently playing with Katy's hair.
"Sweetie, can you tell me what happened?" I asked her gently. She started muttering something under her breath. I couldn't understand what she was saying. She started to rock back and forth. "Katy, sweetie, you have to tell me what's wrong." I told her. She forced herself up from the bed and started to pace. She kept talking but I still couldn't understand her. Standing I grabbed her arms, making her face me. "Katy!" I yelled. She stopped. "Katy, what happened?" I said slowly and deliberately.
"I don't know. I think Michael is cheating on me. I haven't been able to get pregnant and I've just been going through a really long rough patch. I don't know what's going on." She said sitting down again.
"Sweetie, Michael loves you. He would never cheat on you. The baby thing is a huge stress but it'll happen for you. But it's going to be okay. I'm going to help you." I told her sweetly.
"But when?" She asked me.
"Soon. Where's Michael?"
"He's at home." She said softly.
"Okay. I'm going to call him." I told her.
"No!" She yelled grabbing my arm. Her grip hurt.
"Katy…" I said taking her hand off of me. I took her hands in mine. "Why wouldn't you want me to call Michael? Does he know you're here? Does he know you left?" I asked her.
"No. I just kinda got in my car and drove." She told me.
"All the more reason for me to call him." I said and moved toward the door.
"No!" She yelled again but Dean grabbed her. She started screaming as soon as he touched her.
I rushed forward and grabbed her arms, yelling her name. She stopped and looked at me. "It's okay." I told her. Sitting her down on the bed I pulled out my phone. "Michael?"
He had no idea where she was until I called. He was freaking out. After talking to Michael things were a little clearer, only it made Sam's explanation more likely. It had been a slow progression. Her behavior became erratic. She would come home late all the time. She was yelling at him more and more often. She'd leave at all hours of the night. It had been more and more frequent over that past few months. Lately she'd leave for days at a time. Showing up in strange places. When I hung up with him the only thing I had managed to convince him of was not to come to her. I told him I'd deal with it and get his wife back to him.
"What did he say?" Katy asked me.
"He's worried about you." I told her.
"He is?" She said looking up at me.
"Of course he is." I said sitting next to her. "And he said you've been acting a little strange lately. Can you tell me about that?"
"I don't know." She said looking confused and hurt. "I've been doing these things and I don't know why."
"Do you remember doing these things?" I asked her.
"Yeah." She told me. "But it's been more feelings than anything. I don't know why."
"What did you do?" I asked her.
"Drove around mostly." She replied. "I would randomly stop at these houses and ask for someone but they were always dead or in a home. Then I'd wander through a cemetery and then go home. It's just been so random. I remember things I've never done before. I remember being excited about a horse my brother got me."
"Honey, you don't have a brother." I told her.
"I know. But that's what it's been like. Then I didn't know why, but I had to find you." She told me.
"How did you find me?" I asked her.
"I don't know. I went to bed in the back of the car and the next thing I knew you were walking in front of my car. I followed you here, trying to build up the courage to come in. It took me a while."
"That doesn't make any sense." I frowned.
"Sounds like a job." Dean frowned.
"It really does." Sam added.
"She's my friend." I said standing. "This isn't a normal job. This one is important and I need it taken care of quickly and quietly."
"We get it." Sam told him.
"Fine." I said and ran my fingers through my hair. "Sweetie, why don't you go take a shower. You can borrow something of mine to wear."
She nodded and disappeared into the bathroom. A few minutes later I heard the shower start. I sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. Dean walked up to me. I looked up at him, smiling as his lips met mine.
"We'll figure it out." He told me softly.
"I know we will." I smiled, gently pulling on his shirt. "What do you think we should do?"
"I'm not sure." He said sitting next to me with a sigh.
"Do you think it's some sort of possession?" I frowned at him. "I mean, with the brother and the horse thing. It sounds like it could be something like that."
"Maybe." Sam said looking at me. "We'll look into everything."
"I know." I smiled at him. "Thank you."
"It'll be all right, baby." Dean said kissing my hair.
I smiled, feeling a little more hopeful when screaming erupted in the bathroom. I jumped up, running to the door. She had locked it. I kicked it in, rushing to the shower. There was red smeared across the curtain. I pulled it back, fear coursing through my veins. The next thing I knew there was a knife in my shoulder, Katy screaming in my face. I screamed back, twisting her arm, forcing her to let the knife go. I instinctively punched her, causing her to fall backward into the tub. She was back in front of me a second later. Too fast for a normal person to do. She was breathing in my face, her eyes no longer the blue that belonged to her. I just looked back at her, breathing hard, my hand around the butt of the knife. There was pounding on the door. I realized that the door was shut, the boys on the other side.
"She's mine." A male voice said from Katy's mouth. "But don't worry. You're hers."
Katy's eyes shut and she fell to the floor. The door burst open and the boys took in the scene. I looked at them. My eyes met Dean's briefly before his moved to the knife in my shoulder.
"She's possessed." I told them. "And I'm next."
"What?" Dean asked. "That's impossible."
"It spoke to me. It told me I was hers. A male voice was coming out of her mouth." I told him as I went into the other room.
"What about her?" Sam asked.
"She'll be fine there right now." I said sitting on the edge of the bed.
"Sam, get a towel, needle, and thread." Dean told him before grabbing a bottle of whiskey.
"This is going to hurt, isn't it?" I frowned when he stepped in front of me again.
"Probably." Dean grinned. I couldn't help but laugh. "Get ready." He told me.
Nodding, I gritted my teeth and gripped the towel in my hand. Taking several deep breaths, I waited for Dean to give me the signal before he pulled the knife out. Yelling out in pain I quickly covered the wound with the towel. The red appeared almost immediately.
"Shit." I said softly, trying to take deep breathes despite the pain.
"Here…" Dean said taking the towel from me. "This is going to be a two person job." He said and called for his brother.
It took nearly an hour to patch me up. Stab wounds sucked. But you survived them. But it was a bigger wound and more blood. I was starting to feel woozy when Dean finally put the last piece of tape across the gauze.
"You okay?" He asked me.
"How do I look?" I replied.
"Like crap." He said and kissed my forehead.
"Look at this." Sam said bringing the knife over to us.
"What is it?" I frowned.
"Look." He said pointing out some engraving across the blade.
"Okay, what does it mean?" I asked him.
"I don't know." He frowned. "But I'll figure it out." He told me and went to his computer.
"Great. Now we have a weird knife with some sort of writing on it that may have some effect on my life." I said falling backward onto the bed. "Brilliant."
"You're going to be fine." Dean told me, lying on his side next to me.
"You don't know that." I told him.
"You have the tattoo. Nothing is going to possess you." He told me matter-of-factly.
"If it's something other than a demon it can." I frowned at him. "The tattoo doesn't ward off everything. It could be a ghost or something."
"They don't have that much power." He frowned back at me.
"Most don't." I told him. "But whatever is inside Katy is powerful enough to project it's voice through her. If it's a ghost then it's a powerful one. Powerful enough to possess a human. If it's so strong maybe whoever 'she' is, is that powerful too."
"Nothing is going to happen to you." He told me sweetly. "I promise."
"Yeah?" I asked him with a pouty face.
"Yeah." He smiled and kissed me sweetly.
In the next second there was a searing pain. Screaming, I arched against the invisible force that was taking hold. Dean rolled over, grabbing my arms as I screamed again. I gripped Dean as he held me down. Whatever energy was taking me, it was too much for Dean. The next thing I knew I was being suspended in thin air, my arms out while my legs seemed to be glued to each other. My head was back, silent tears spilling from the corners of my eyes, the liquid also being suspended in the air.
"Evy…" Dean said stepping in front of me.
"Dean…" I managed to choke out before screaming ripped through my throat again.
"Sammy!" Dean yelled but both of them were useless against what was happening.
"I can feel her." I whispered when I could form words again. "She's almost here. Get out."
"I'm not leaving you." Dean said grabbing my waist.
"You can't handle her on your own. He'll protect her. This isn't a normal possession. This is something else." I told him as I felt her essence move through me. "It's almost complete."
"Stay with me, baby." Dean told me.
"I love you. Please get out of here." I told him before I screamed again.
I felt my consciousness being pushed to the far corners of my brain. My body now under the control of something else. It wasn't demonic. It was simply another life force. But she was powerful. She was something I wasn't expecting. Or rather, someone. My head came forward and I could see Dean and Sam as I slowly came down from suspension. Looking at them, I could feel the smile curl on my lips. Katy appeared from the bathroom, still naked. I noticed a half healed stab wound on her shoulder. She pulled on clothes before coming to my side. I knew what was happening but couldn't control it. Katy and I started to kiss, the feelings flowing through me were not my own. She loved the man who had control of Katy. Looking back at the brothers, both wore extremely confused, yet captivated, expressions. If I could I would have yelled at him right there.
Katy and I moved toward the brother's. They were looking for a fight. They weren't just going to leave, allowing the brothers to follow. Dean would have a hard time attacking me. But he would need to. My body moved forward, hitting him hard across the jaw. Katy went at Sam, he was anything but afraid to take her out. But it wasn't going to be that easy. She was almost impossible to touch. She needed to get close to me. Needed to drive the words into me. Whatever power they held.
Sam tried to beat her but she was faster and stronger. He was thrown back, his head coming in contact with the wall. He fell unconscious to the floor. My body had Dean by the throat, squeezing just tight enough. His face was red, his eyes starting to flutter as his body reacted to the lack of oxygen.
Stop! I tried to get through. Enough! I felt my consciousness pressing against hers and just as Dean was about to pass out I felt my hand release him.
He fell to the ground, gasping as his hand found his throat.
"She's strong." My voice told him. "She must care for you deeply since she just saved your life."
"Give her back." Dean replied as he got to his feet.
I could hear my own laughter come from my mouth. "I don't think so. I have unfinished business to attend to." My voice told him. "Come lover."
Katy nodded and we turned and ran from the room. It was still dark out. By the time Dean and Sam got out the door we would be gone.
You're making a mistake.
"Oh, I don't think so."
You have no idea who you're dealing with.
"I'm not afraid of you."
You should be.
My laughter came again.
We had been running for hours. Then we decided to hijack a car. Then we drove for hours. I found it was easier to talk to an angry spirit verses a demon. I could get through more frequently and had more of a say in what we did. I could learn to fight this one. I could take control of my body again. Katy on the other hand, I hadn't seen since. I didn't know what their plan was but it took us to the small town of Warba, Minnesota. It was ridiculously small. So small you could sprint through it in under two minutes.
You've got to be kidding me. What the hell are we doing here?
"You'll see soon enough." My voice told me.
What sort of unfinished business do you have?
"I've been putting up with you but now that we're here I'm not talking to you."
You're in my body, how the hell are you going to 'not' talk to me?
"I don't know. But I will."
You're so full of shit. Let me guess. I'm good at guessing.
"Knock it off."
You and your lover were betrayed and murdered in the only bar in town. Probably by your husband who found out you were having an affair. That's why you refer to him as your 'lover'.
"I told you to knock it off."
So now you're back to seek revenge. When did you die anyway?
"I'm not talking to you about this."
"Stop talking to your host. It's starting to get annoying." Katy told me.
"She won't stop talking to me." She replied and hit my head.
"Mine hasn't said a word. She's scared shitless. Every once in a while she says the name 'Evy', but other than that she's as quiet as a mouse."
"You don't need to brag, Greg."
"Sorry, Heather." Katy's voice told me.
Heather and Greg. I'll look you up. I'll find a way to get rid of you.
"How do you plan on doing that when you have no control over your body?"
Ha, I might be able to just exorcize you without knowing who you are.
"I spose you have several memorized." My voice stated.
And I have all the time in the world to go through them.
We remained quiet as we moved through the town. Taking a side road, it took only a few minutes to leave the town behind. The road turned to dirt and soon the trees gave way to show a small farm house. A barn and pasture in the background. Heather stopped and stared at the house. Greg was anxious next to her. The expression on Katy's face was scary. It wasn't her, I knew that, but it made me squirm all the same.
Moving toward the house I could hear the TV playing. Through the window I could see a man sleeping in an overused armchair. I felt the smile creep across my lips. Feeling nauseous, knowing that it wasn't mine.
I take it he's the one who killed you.
"He shot us. Shot us both."
That sucks.
"You have no idea."
You'd be surprised. You're in my head. You would know.
"I can't see as much as you'd think. You're still your consciousness."
I guess that's something. So, what's the plan? You and Greg going to kill him?
"Yup."
I'm not going to let you do that.
"When the time comes, even you won't be able to stop me."
I couldn't help but take that into consideration. When the adrenaline starts to flow and the fighting begins, there was no guarantee that I would be able to reach out and stop what was happening. I would try and save him. Despite what the past held, it wasn't fair for him to be killed by the people he killed so many years ago. It was clear that at least thirty or so years had passed. He was at the end of middle aged. He wouldn't be able to fight them. He would be powerless against the people who had control of Katy's body and mine.
We were through the door in - what felt like - the blink of an eye. The man flew out of the chair. He turned to see two women. Women who probably looked like they couldn't beat up a thirteen year old kid. He charged us but we were too fast. Too fast for him to keep track of the both of us.
Don't do this!
"Shut up."
I used whatever strength I had in me to fight against her. She was strong. I almost thought she was going to be stronger than me. They had him on the ground. Had him beaten and scared in a tight ball. He was as if he had reverted to a child, being bullied at school. It took me longer than I had hoped but in the end I managed to come out. I pushed Heather as far back in my mind as I could. Grabbing Katy's shoulder as she was about to put a hard kick into the man's abdomen. Katy looked at me, but it wasn't her. The next thing I knew I got a hard hit to my stomach. My body arched forward with the blow, coming in contact with her bent knee. I fell back, knowing that I'd more than likely be a raccoon in the morning. I was on my feet a second later, grabbing Katy's fist as it flew at my face. I forced her backward, causing her to stumble and fall.
Taking a moment, I realized that the man was gone. We were alone in his broken house. I looked to where Katy had fell to see that she was gone.
"Shit." I said and went to the window. The man was running toward the barn. Katy on his heels. "Perfect." I said and followed them.
He'll kill him. It's not over yet.
"The roles have been reversed. I have the power now." I told her.
No you don't.
I ran to the barn. When I opened the barn door they were already in the middle of a fight. Farm tools and hay lay everywhere. It brought back bad memories. I hesitated momentarily before rushed forward. I grabbed Katy from behind, pinning her arms so she couldn't get free.
"Enough." I told her. "Enough!" I yelled when she continued to struggle against me. "Greg, it's over!"
"No!" Katy's voice yelled.
The next thing I knew the door burst open and Ruby came in. I rolled my eyes and glared at her.
"What the hell are you doing here?" I yelled at her, still trying to keep a good hold on Katy.
"It seems you always need help." She replied with crossed arms. That usual annoyed expression on her face.
"I can handle this. I am handling this." I told her.
"I can see that." She told me with a raised brow.
"Don't think I can't handle this." I frowned at her.
"So, what was your plan on getting the spirits out of you?" She asked.
I didn't get a chance to answer her when I felt Heather's presence start to leave me. Katy fell limp in my arms. I fell to my knees, Katy falling to the floor. When the feeling passed I checked Katy before getting to my feet.
"Did you do something?" I frowned at Ruby.
"Actually, no." She said with the same frown. "I was going to make you work for it but it happened all by itself."
"I doubt that." I told her and left the barn. Halfway to the house the man they had been after was lying face first on the ground. "Hmph. He's dead." I looked at Ruby and shrugged. She shrugged back before we turned back to the barn to get Katy.
It felt like there was an elephant in the room. Katy was still trying to wrap her head around everything I was forced to tell her. She now knew my secret and what it meant. Why I was the way I was and why she never heard from me. On top of that Ruby decided that she was going to wait with us for the brothers to arrive. They were already in the car but were still hours away from crossing the Minnesota border.
"You know, I kinda like this state." I said, breaking the silence. "I haven't had much luck here but I do like it. The trees, the seasons…all relatively nice."
"I hate snow. I prefer the big cities." Ruby replied.
"Demons are real and I had a spirit living inside of me." Katy said looking between Ruby and me.
Ruby and me exchanged glances but couldn't help but smile. "You'll get used to it." I told her softly. She just nodded at me. "Ruby, why did you come here?"
"I don't know." She told me. "I've worn out my trying-to-help speech. But I do want your side to win. I keep an eye out on the brothers and that means you too."
"But you hate me and I hate you." I stated.
"Maybe. But I want to help Sam."
"Why though? Why do you want to help Sam so badly?" I frowned at her.
"I have my reasons." She told me.
"What reasons?" I pushed further.
"I don't have to tell you anything." She replied.
"Fine. I'm not going to get anything out of you anyway."
"You got that right."
It was then that I finally heard the Impala's approach. I smiled and rushed out of the house. Watching the Impala come to a stop I could already see the worry written across Dean's face. I sighed as I watched him get out of the car. He smiled as he stepped up to me. I just smiled as he pulled me against him.
"Hey." I smiled as he put one hand on my face, the other on my neck. I put my hands on his chest.
"You should stop getting possessed and all that." He smiled.
"There are ways for us to do that." I told him.
"Sam already has a plan."
I couldn't help but laugh, kissing him deeply. Sam was talking to Ruby before she walked away. Sam walked over and hugged me. Katy was still in shock but we loaded her into the car and started our two day trip back to San Diego to drop her off. I didn't want to stick her on a plane. It would be better this way. It would give her time to fully absorb what happened and for her to come to terms with the fact that she had to keep it to herself. After that it would be time to get back on the road. To go fight the good fight. Only it was getting hard and was only going to get harder.