Chapter 10 - Feelings Show
"Okay, Em," I murmur, playing with the settings on my camera to adjust to the afternoon light filtering through the trees in Edward's backyard. "Why don't you change into the blue shirt and then put on the brown and blue knit hat? Bella, you're good in what you're wearing now."
Bella gives me the thumbs up from her spot a few feet away and then hip-checks Emmett into motion. He winks at me, giving my waist a squeeze as he passes to go to what Alice has dubbed the wardrobe station, also known as one of the chairs next to the fire pit. I have to force myself not to turn around and watch Emmett change, focusing on my camera instead.
It's close to the end of Alice's shoot on Sunday. We've been in Edward's backyard all afternoon, making our way through all of Alice's amazing creations. Emmett and Bella are set to wear one of the last things we have to shoot, knitted "his and hers" beanies.
It feels strange being here with this group, but at the same time not. The past few days have been surreal. I'm still doing the careful balancing act of friends, drifting back from where I want to be to where I've always belonged, but my mind is always on Emmett. Every time I saw him at school on Friday, my entire body tingled, remembering the night before. The closest I got to him that day was in English when we had group work and the backs of our desks touched. My group had to repeat themselves multiple times because I wasn't paying any attention to them, too busy listening to the low murmur of his voice. How could I concentrate when he was so close? I nearly jumped twenty feet in the air when his fingertips snaked behind him and quietly ran along the sliver of skin between my shirt and waistband, just for the briefest moment.
I thought about that touch and all of the others while I was watching him from the stands at the football game later that night. Stan and Mallo were on either side of me, and we (once again) talked about Homecoming and cheered randomly while Stan (once again) gorged herself on nachos.
Hello, life on repeat.
But after the game, as we were all making our way to our respective cars, I got a text from Emmett asking if I wanted to meet him at his house to watch a movie. I begged off going to the diner with my crew, ignoring their taunts of me being a "lame ass" (thanks for that, Lauren), and before long found myself parked in front of Emmett's house.
In my eagerness to be close to him again, I made it there a few minutes before he did. When he got out of his car, he grabbed his pads from the back and I could see that my ribbon was still tied firmly in place. I moved to kiss him and got the I'm disgusting and sweaty head shake, but I didn't care. My lips found his and his hands found my hips and we leaned against the far side of the Jeep for a few minutes, until Gram flickered the porch light.
She sat with me while Emmett showered, asking me about the game and if she'd be seeing me at the DAR for bingo the following day. When Emmett came into the room, it was obvious from his grin that he liked finding the two of us sitting together. He made a comment about his "two favorite ladies together."
We chatted for a few more minutes before Gram claimed exhaustion, although I'm pretty sure I caught her winking at him. He helped her get settled in her room before joining me for the movie. And we really just watched a movie. His arm was draped around me and I was tucked into his side and it felt good and right. Complete.
The balancing act continued yesterday, although it wasn't nearly as pressure-filled as the week had been. At noon I found myself at the DAR, watching the door anxiously for Gram. She made her way in a few minutes before starting time and looked thoroughly peeved when she found someone already sitting in "her" seat. Emmett had escorted her in and made mock scared faces behind her back. I found out later that they were late because of his Saturday morning detention, which Gram was less than thrilled about.
But there's no balancing act right now, no pressure to be anywhere else but here. I haven't heard from Lauren or Jess all day, which means they're probably with Tyler and Mike. And I'm in my element here, with my camera in my hand, directing everyone while I snap off picture after picture. I laugh a lot, exchange long looks and touches with Emmett that everyone else catches every time. Not that it matters; we can be exactly what we are here, whatever that is. We haven't talked about it, haven't even come close to labeling it, but it's not questioned in this backyard.
Somewhere along the way, Jasper appointed himself as my assistant. I'm still not entirely sure what this means, other than him being directly behind me and providing a constant running commentary.
"I think Rosalie just wants to see Emmett with his shirt off," Jasper stage-whispers to Edward and Alice, both of whom are standing off to the side. Alice has been trying her best to wrangle Edward and Jasper; she's caught my eye more than once and mouthed, "I'm so sorry." I don't know who gave those two Pixie Stix for breakfast but they've been downright punchy the entire time.
"Wouldn't be the first time," I shoot back, not really thinking of the implications. Eyebrows shoot up all around. Emmett smirks. I roll my eyes. "Shut up."
"I didn't even say -"
"But you were going to," I call over my shoulder, giving Jasper a look.
"Oh, I was so going to," he says, walking over and slinging an arm around my shoulder. He's got his "Spooning leads to Forking" shirt on again. Alice made him change it earlier for the pictures. I'm not sure if it's a subtle dig at me (and Em) or if he's just being... him. It's always difficult to tell with Jasper.
"Nice shirt," I say, finally commenting on it now. Emmett and I both caught sight of Jasper's shirt at the same time when we walked into the yard hand in hand; he gave mine a little squeeze and grinned.
Jasper does a little "brush his shoulder off" move. "Ali picked it. She says the dark purple makes my eyes pop. What do you think? Are my eyes... popping?"
I pause and look at his eyes, exaggerating a head tilt and squaring my fingers to squint through them. "Oh yes, the popping-est."
Emmett clears his throat and I turn back around, finding him staring at us bemusedly. "We're at your disposal, Hale. This good?" He and Bella start voguing, pouting and making faces.
"I think you could probably smile with your eyes a bit more."
They straighten out, smiling at me, all mouths and eyes. The colors look great against their dark hair and I take shots from a few different angles to show off Alice's handiwork, figuring she can pick the best ones.
Once I've finished, I call Alice over. "I brought my laptop with me so you can look at the pictures and get an idea of whether I got everything you need."
I pull my computer out of my bag and place it on the table, uploading the pictures I've taken throughout the day and then quickly transferring to a slide show.
"How professional," Alice comments, settling into the chair next to mine.
"Hope you have the same opinion once you see the pictures," I mutter under my breath, irrationally nervous. There's always a bit of self-doubt that creeps in when I share my work, even if I know the pictures are good. Not that I really have shared my photos before this.
"Oh, don't worry, Alice loves your photog skills, Ro," Edward says from right behind me. I jump a little, looking up at him, and he winks. "She told us at least five hundred damn times."
"Mouth, Cullen," Jasper drawls as Alice jovially flips Edward off before throwing me a wide grin.
"What Edward meant to say is that Alice has been very excited about this," Bella says, flopping down into one of the chairs across from the table. Edward moves to her side immediately, perching on the arm. Bella's hand goes to his knee and I watch his fingers slide in between hers. It's a choreographed dance of touch and familiarity. I wish I could capture it, but my camera's hooked up to the MacBook and Alice is tentatively touching the arrow keys, starting to scroll through the pictures.
"I think Rose gets someone else here a little excited, too," Jasper sings out, sidestepping Emmett's arm when he reaches out to shove him. "Dude, come on. You were twitching Friday. I've never seen you disappear faster after a game."
Emmett's eyes slide to me and I cradle my chin in my hand, sucking in my bottom lip to stop a smile that will definitely give me away. I can feel Bella's gaze on me, but I keep my focus on Emmett and the way he's not even trying to hide his grin.
"Did you hear that, Whitlock?" Edward calls.
"Why yes, yes I did. I believe it was the distinct sound of a whip." Jasper makes the sound effect for good measure and I roll my eyes.
"Of all people, you two are giving me shit?" Emmett scoffs.
"We're not giving you shit, man." Edward pauses, pressing his lips together as if overcome with emotion. "It's beautiful."
Jasper crosses his arms and covers his mouth with his hand. "Our little boy is growing up."
Bella looks from Edward to Jasper and back again. "Keep it up, you two. Rosalie's never going to hang out with us again."
I know she's teasing, but really, it's moments like this that make me want to spend more time with them. It's so easy to see the real friendship between them, to feel it, and I bask in the warmth of it. It feels so different with my crew. There's no posturing here; there's a depth, a trueness to all of them and how they interact with each other that I never knew I always craved.
Alice nudges me with her elbow and I look over at her, returning her soft smile. "You look happy right now," she whispers.
Coming from anyone else, the statement would sound insane or at the very least completely cheeseball. But Alice is so like that, just telling her truth. And I suppose it's my truth, too. "I am happy right now," I whisper back.
She smiles wider and squeezes my arm, then turns back to the computer. "Okay, so these are amazing," she says in a louder voice. Jasper and Emmett are rough-housing and shit-talking, but in my periphery I see them pause. Emmett shoves him until they're hovering behind us. Bella and Edward hop up, too, and they all crowd around us and murmur their agreement. Emmett's palm comes to rest at the base of my neck, making me shiver.
"Hey look, you got my good side every time," he says, leaning down so that his forearms are resting on the back of my chair. His cheek brushes mine; I can feel the stubble growing in, can smell the grass and cool air and spice on his skin, and my heart skips a beat.
This moment is perfect. I feel like I'm living inside of a picture, like I've captured something that I want to tuck into a picture frame next to my bed so I can forever remember what this is like.
"That, in and of itself, is a win, Ro," Edward says.
"You're just mad 'cause you're still going through puberty," Emmett says. Bella lets out a noise of indignation and I feel his cheek rise against mine. "Just hold out a little longer, Swan Dive. His balls will drop soon enough."
There's a scuffle and then Emmett's gone. When I turn in my seat, he and Edward are halfway across the yard, wrestling around. Jasper moseys after them, pulling out his wallet (this tattered old Velcro and duct tape thing that looks like it's been through a war) as if he's going to make a wager. I turn to Alice and Bella, who are shaking their heads.
"Ignore them. This is how they show affection toward one another," Alice says, double-clicking on a picture of Bella and Edward. In it, they're standing at the perimeter of Edward's yard, holding hands and looking at each other, he in a knit cap with a pompom on top and she wrapped up in a scarf. The sun is filtering in between them softly. Alice sighs, turning to Bella. "B, look."
Bella looks at it for a long moment and then over at me, her dark eyes wide. "How do you do it?"
"Do what?"
She points to the screen, careful not to touch it. "This. It's like you took a picture of how we feel about one another or something." I stare at her for a second, my mouth opening and closing, and her cheeks go pink. "That sounded dumb, but I just -"
"No, sorry, no." I finally find my voice, clearing my throat. I look at the computer screen, at all of the moments frozen in time there, at these people that I'm starting to realize could be so important to me. "Not dumb. That's, uh...thank you."
Real eloquent, Rosalie.
Alice sways, nudging Bella's shoulder first and then mine. "Well, all I can say is I'm glad you work for cheap now, because I'm pretty sure that won't always be the case. Oh, which reminds me!"
She hops up from the table and scoots over to her huge plaid tote bag on the bench. She practically disappears inside of it, rummaging around and muttering to herself. I look over my shoulder, noticing the boys have gone quiet. They're not far away, standing in a circle with their arms folded. I can't hear what they're saying, but Emmett is nodding at whatever Jasper's telling him. He's looking at me with a small smile.
He looks happy right now, too.
Alice whirls back over, dropping a small knit thing into my lap. "Here you go."
I pick it up and unfold it. It's a beautiful hat made of the softest pale pink yarn. A delicate rose pattern adorns the edge. "Oh, my god, Alice," I breathe, running my fingers over it.
"I told you I'd make you something." Her voice is casual, but I can tell she's pleased by my response. "And now you can model it for me."
I place the hat at the crown of my head, pulling it down gently, then turn toward them. "Does it look okay?"
Alice comes over and yanks down on the front. "No need to be delicate with it. It's not going to break; it's more resilient than it looks." She leans back and plays with a few strands of my hair. "Gorgeous. I knew that color would work for you."
"Looking good. Of course, you could probably wear anything and make it work for you," Bella says.
Alice glares at her playfully. "I'd be offended by that except I know how much you love me and my designs, B." She turns her attention back to me. "So, will you model it for the site, Rose?"
"Yeah, sure. Let me just get the camera ready for you. You're going to take the pictures, right?" I reach for my camera, pausing when Alice's eyes go a little wide.
"Only if that's cool with you. I mean, I took a class, so I know the mechanics. But I also know your camera is your baby, so...I don't want to hurt it or anything."
"Alice, you do realize it's an inanimate object, right? You can't really hurt it." She's still looking unsure and I point to the hat on my head. "More resilient than it looks, right?" I give a pointed look at the camera that I'm holding out to her. "Same deal."
Sure, my camera is my baby but it's Alice. Somehow I know she's not going to treat it with anything but respect.
Alice looks across the yard to the guys, who are still standing around talking. "Emmett, I need you."
Emmett smacks Jasper in the chest. "Your girl needs me." He gives an exaggerated sigh and puffs up his chest. "Guess you're not providing enough." Jasper flips him the bird as Emmett saunters over to where we're standing, grabbing Bella as he walks past her and pulling the three of us close to him. "Ladies. What can I do you for?"
Alice wiggles out of his group hug and pulls a scarf from her bag of tricks. "You're going to model one more thing. This time with Rosalie."
He wrinkles his nose. "Ew, her? She's gross," he says, kiddingly.
"Thanks Em, lo -" I cut myself off suddenly, mortified.
Shit, I can't believe I actually almost said that. Love you, too. I mean, it would've been in a kidding manner, but still. I haven't even said it in a non-kidding manner yet. Saying it in this capacity would be totally weird.
"You what?" He's grinning and gently elbowing me in the ribs. Yeah, he's totally fucking with me now.
Thankfully Alice cuts in. "Over here, kids."
She starts directing us on where to stand and how. Although I'm tall, Emmett's much taller; it's really nice not have to slouch down taking pictures. When Roy and I went to dances - or really anywhere I was wearing something other than flats - I always found myself trying to compensate for our lack of height difference so we didn't look weird or off-balance. That's not a problem with Emmett. We fit in this way, too.
Alice takes some shots and then stops to fiddle with the camera settings. I giggle as we watch Bella attempt a really weak cartwheel toward Jasper and Edward. Jasper shakes his head before showing her how "it's really done."
Emmett's hands go to my waist and I wrap my arms up around his neck. My mind is still lingering on my almost-blunder. It's completely premature considering we haven't been hanging out that long, and that no one beyond this group of people even knows we're hanging out. But I still can't help but wonder if...when I might say those words to him, and if he'd say them back. I don't know if this is what love feels like, but whatever it is, it's more than anything I felt with Roy the entire time we were together.
And whatever it is, this moment, being here in his arms, feels picture perfect. Maybe that's all that matters right now.
"They love you, you know," Emmett murmurs, leaning his forehead against mine.
I pause, thinking about my answer. "Well, I love you guys, too," I finally say, hoping he gets what I mean. I do love this group of people. In the few short weeks that I've been hanging out with them, they've made me feel more like myself than I even knew existed. It's like I was searching for this but didn't even know until I drunkenly stumbled upon it.
Is it too soon to be feeling this way about Emmett? Too soon into hanging out with him, too soon after Roy? We haven't even established what we are to each other. Hell, we don't even walk down the halls at school together, don't talk there or interact beyond little touches and looks. I don't know how my friends (or Roy) would react, but I can't imagine it would be positive. Judge or be judged, as it goes in my group. Or at least that's what it feels like most of the time.
It doesn't feel that way here, though, and for now I like it with blinders on, hiding from the outside world.
Jasper's voice pulls me out of my musings. "Hey guys, Jake just texted me. Small shindig at La Push on Saturday. Just the rez kids and us if we want to go." He raises his eyebrows questioningly, dancing his phone in the air.
Edward kind of grimaces and shrugs. Bella glances at him to gauge his reaction before shrugging, too.
"You wanna?" Emmett says quietly in my ear. I shiver as his breath dances down my jaw.
I bite at my lip, unsure. That's the proverbial outside world, although a completely different one. I don't know any of the kids from the rez. I've heard about parties there, but my crew never goes. The boys always make this face when it comes up, muttering about the shitty beer and how the road to get to La Push fucks up their tires and dings their rims.
So what do I have to be nervous about? None of my friends will be there. I won't have to answer to anyone, won't have to explain why I'm suddenly showing up somewhere with Emmett when no one knows I've been hanging out with him. And more importantly, when three weeks ago I was with Roy.
I know I have to tell Jess and Lauren about Emmett, especially at the rate we're going. Especially after what we did in my room. This little nagging part of my brain whispers that I'm just scared, that I should just say it because I don't owe Jess or Lauren or Roy or even my parents any explanation about who I choose to be with. But the other part of me, the one that's used to doing what I'm supposed to do still hesitates.
I just want it to be me and him, just for a little bit longer. But I also know that I want to get there eventually, wherever there is.
Emmett's looking down at me, eyebrow raised, a small smile on his lips. I feel warm all over.
"Yeah, that sounds cool," I answer finally.
I'm trying to find my way. And this might be a good start.
xoxo
Monday goes like this: wake up in the morning thinking of the previous night's phone call with Emmett. Get ready while thinking of seeing Emmett at school. Get to school and see Emmett's Jeep in the parking lot. Heart starts racing. See Emmett in the hallway. Heart stops, re-starts and then begins racing again. Exchange looks over the shoulders of our friends. Get caught by his friends, but not by mine. Feel his gaze and smile on me all through English. Tap my lips to let him know I'm thinking about Sunday night when he walked me home from Edward's, when it took me twenty minutes to get from the bottom of my driveway to my front door. I can still feel his hands and I'm sure his eyes are tracing the curves he touched.
Football practice goes late, but when we talk later, he makes me promise I'll come over Tuesday for dinner.
"You don't want to disappoint Gram, Rose," he says solemnly. I can hear the grin in his voice.
"Well, I guess I can do it for Gram," I sigh, playing along.
He laughs, low and sleepy. "Whatever it takes to get you over here."
I think we both know it wouldn't take much at all.
On Tuesday morning, we pass by each other in the hall between third and fourth period. It's crowded, just crowded enough that I grab his hand, even though Lauren is on the other side of me, clutching my arm. His fingers wrap around mine and squeeze and then we separate, moving in opposite directions.
We follow a pattern: look but rarely touch. Watch but don't talk. Not until we're outside the walls of school, where what we have (what do we have? that nagging voice asks me) is just ours. Where we don't have to explain anything. Where it's easy and feels right.
I think about what it would be like to call Emmett my boyfriend, though, to have him walk me to class and drop a kiss on my forehead like Mike does with Jess. I think about it a lot. I rehearse what I'd say to Jess and Lauren, how I'd broach the subject, how they'd react.
And then I think about the fact that it's been three weeks since Roy and I broke up, how I'm already so much deeper in with Emmett than I ever was with Roy, and we're not even dating. I think about how scary that is and how we haven't talked about what we're doing now or what we're going to do in the future. I think about Jess and Lauren making snide comments under their breath about Vera and Roy, about the way they look at Alice and Jasper when they breeze by us in their Star Wars t-shirts, like they're from a different world. I guess in a way they are.
I'm pulled in a million different directions. It feels so good with Emmett - everything with him does - and when I'm with him and his friends, it's cool and chill. There are no expectations. That's all there is with my friends. I feel trapped by it. I know I'm breaking out of the mold, but it's one thing to take pictures for the newspaper. It's another thing to maybe-kind of-probably fall in love with a guy who I know won't mesh with my friends and probably wouldn't want to anyway. If we take this further, I know it's going to change a lot of things. Hell, Jess' relationship with Mike and Lauren's with Tyler has changed things between us and they're a part of our core group.
I realize somewhere, through all of my obsessive thinking, that as much as I want change, I'm scared of it, too. I'm scared of what it means to break away from the life I've always led. I wonder if part of me just isn't ready to let it go.
That thought stays with me for the rest of the day.
Later that night, at Emmett's house, I'm still recalibrating from my day as Posie. We're sitting at the small dining room table in the equally small dining room, eating dinner with Gram. The cannolis I picked up are in the middle of the table on a plate that looks as delicate and paper-thin as the skin on Gram's hands and wrists. Emmett keeps eyeing them and automatically reaches for them once his plate is empty, but she smacks his hand away, telling him he has to wait.
She looks so tiny next to him. He watches her while she eats (when he's not watching me), smiles when she waves her hands around talking about how Bob Cope cheats at bingo, and I can see that, to him, she's larger than life.
We talk all through dinner, which feels weird considering the dinner table at home is usually quiet. Maybe that's why I hate the sound of chewing so much. Gram has to remind Emmett about twenty times not to talk with his mouth full. She asks me about my college plans, and I feel Emmett's eyes on me when I tell her I'm applying to the Universities of Washington and Oregon and maybe Stanford, as a long-shot.
Gram turns to Emmett, her gaze almost defiant. "Emmie, you need to get started on your applications, too."
"Come on, Gram," Emmett groans, cutting into the cannoli he finally managed to filch.
"He doesn't want to leave me," she says, turning to me. I look over at Emmett, but he won't look back. His cheeks are flushed. "He keeps making other excuses for not going, but I know. He's a terrible liar."
"Please drop it," he mumbles around a mouthful of dessert.
Gram raises her eyebrows and pushes her plate away, folding her hands in front of her. She's got this glint in her eyes that I recognize from Emmett - it's mischievous and playful. "You don't want to talk about it in front of your girlfriend, honey?"
I don't know who's redder, Emmett or me. I stay silent and he does, too, for a few seconds that feel like hours. I don't know whether to confirm or deny what she's saying, so I wait for him instead.
"Gram, Rose and I are hanging out, okay?" he says finally, sounding almost unsure and definitely embarrassed.
"Oh, is that what they call going steady these days?" Gram throws me a wink for good measure, and I can't help laughing a little bit, even though this is totally uncomfortable. Emmett sighs sharply and she tsks. "Oh, let me have my fun. I'm 83 years old. My entertainment these days is torturing you and beating Bob Cope at bingo."
Emmett shakes his head and looks down at his watch. "Yeah, speaking of entertainment, time for you to go watch your show. Too bad we can't sit around and talk all night, huh?"
Later, we're tangled up on Emmett's bed, our lips just a few millimeters away from each other. We make out and touch, and talk in between that. He tells me about his mom, what he remembers, and then moves on to stories about Gram that make me press my face into his pillow to muffle my laughter. Somehow we end up talking about Roy, too, and I tell Emmett things I haven't even told Jess and Lauren, how it never really felt right with him. How it was like I was supposed to be with him, and so I was. How fake I felt at the end.
At some point, Emmett stops my words with his mouth and we kiss for an achingly long time after that. I think he hears what I wasn't saying - that he's so different. That I feel real with him.
When we finally take a break, I let my eyes wander around his room as he nuzzles his nose against my cheek, breathing me in. It's small and kind of messy; he ran around ahead of me and pushed clothes into piles with his foot when we came in here. I can tell all of the furniture is his gram's because it's a little old-school, ornate. Football trophies are scattered haphazardly on top of his dresser and his desk is stacked with school books and battered spiral notebooks, but no computer. My gaze goes back to the University of Washington sweatshirt draped over the chair. I asked him about it earlier, secretly hoping that he was thinking about going there too, but he just said it was where his dad went and then changed the subject.
I think I love his bed. It takes up nearly the whole room and is ridiculously comfortable, covered in soft, navy blue flannel sheets and a thick down comforter that's scrunched up at our feet right now.
"Sorry if Gram made you uncomfortable with that talk earlier," Emmett says in a low voice, pulling back a little bit.
I can hear the television in the next room. The walls are thin and even though I know her hearing isn't that great, I've been working extraordinarily hard not to make too much noise. It's not easy, not when he kisses like he does. Not when we've been touching like we have.
"So, is that what we're doing? Hanging out?" I ask, almost afraid to hear the answer.
"I don't know," he whispers. The way he's looking at me makes me think he does know. I wonder if it's written on my face, too.
He doesn't say it, though, and neither do I. I guess I'm not the only one who's scared. We just don't have the courage to say the things we feel.
Not yet.
Still, I can't stop myself from thinking, But when?
xoxo
Thursday morning I'm getting ready for school, going back and forth about wanting to wear the hat that Alice gave me. I wantto wear it. It's a small nod to the changes I've been moving toward. At the same time, it's just a hat. It's not a neon sign that says where I've been or who I've been hanging out with.
Plus, it looks really cute with my grey sweater.
Jess and Lauren raise their eyebrows at the hat when I meet up with them at my locker, but say nothing. I see Alice before first period and she beams when she sees that I'm wearing it. I don't care what my friends think of it after that; I know I've made the right choice.
"I feel like we never see each other anymore," Lauren complains as we walk toward English.
"We see each other every day," I point out. Jess is walking with us, but not; she and Mike are having a moment in the middle of the hallway, their heads bent together. She's whispering something in his ear and I feel a swell of jealousy.
"Yeah, but we used to hang out together like every day after school. And now, it's like I have to schedule an appointment to see my two besties. I feel like I don't even know what's going on in your life. I mean, whatever, I know you're busy with the honor society and you're doing the whole picture thing with the paper," she says, waving her hand in the air.
It's true; I've started going to more of the newspaper meetings, helping Angela and the rest of the staff where I can. It makes me feel special. Important. And I'm even able to talk to people without breaking out into a cold sweat. The paper gives me something to talk about, and the rest has come easier than expected.
She continues, "And Stan and I are busy with the boys, of course, but that doesn't mean that we need to ditch each other."
I roll my eyes at her pointing out my "singleness." Oh, if you only knew, Lauren."Well then, come over after school today. I'll pencil you in."
Jess pulls away from Mike as he heads to his class and overhears my invite. "Sounds good to me. That way I can see my adorable little boyfriend, Eric. Plus, we have to discuss your Homecoming attire, you know, since you ditched our mall date the other day." She pauses dramatically before intoning, "Andthe lucky guy who gets to bring our Posie to the dance."
My eyes automatically shift to take in the guy I'd like to be my date, headed to the same classroom that we are. He's talking loudly with Edward about the party on Saturday at the rez and nearly bumps into Lauren when they both reach for the door at the same time. I hear him murmur an apology but it's drowned out by Lauren's reaction.
"Hello? Watch where you're going," Lauren huffs out, giving Jess and I a look like, can you believe this guy? My heart plummets to my toes when Jess returns it, and then shoots Emmett a bemused frown.
"Really, Lauren? Necessary?" I mutter under my breath, but I know she hears it. I know he does, too.
Emmett shakes it off, pulling the door open and holding it open gallantly. "After you, ladies."
Lauren and Jess walk ahead, shaking their heads like Emmett has personally affronted them instead of doing something nice. I follow them in and my eyes meet his for the briefest of moments. I hope that they convey how sorry I am on behalf of my friends. I hear Edward clap Emmett on the shoulder and say something about killing 'em with kindness. He walks behind me and his fingers brush my back for just a moment, just enough to say that he knows and it's okay.
But it's not. Not really.
The rest of the day passes uneventfully and the afternoon finds Lauren and Jess racing up the stairs to my room with Eric at their heels, while I slowly meander behind. I'm still bothered by what happened outside of English. I'm less than enthusiastic about spending time with the girls who identify themselves as my best friends when I'm not feeling the love for them.
Jess throws herself on my bed, while Lauren sits on the floor. I settle in next to her and draw my knees up to my chest. They immediately start talking about our newly planned shopping trip to Port Angeles on Sunday, discussing the different shops we have to go to, what kind of dress would look best on me (short, stunning, and form-fitting, per Jess). Lauren even suggests getting something that plays off of her dress, since she's on the court too.
"Maybe I'll just wear one I already have," I say after two full minutes of strategy, picking at the nail polish on my thumb.
When I look up, Lauren's blinking at me. "Right," she finally draws out with a little laugh, like I'm joking. Jess rolls her eyes with a patented "silly Posie" smile on her face.
I wonder if they'd think it's a joke if I told them what Emmett and I did on that very bed not even a week ago. I can only imagine their reactions. And for the next five minutes, I do imagine their reactions. It makes my throat tight, makes me stay silent.
They prattle on, talking about the dress that Vera was wearing today, how short and weather-inappropriate it was.
"Pot, kettle," I finally say after they've been going and on for what feels like hours. These two can beat a dead horse for days.
Lauren throws me a playful glare, but moves on. "Ugh, could you believe Emmett McCarty in English? Going on and on about that lame rez party and then nearly walking into me. And then the whole, After you, ladies. Hi, could he be any more passive aggressive?"
I can't hold my annoyance back any longer. "Or, you know, could he be any more nice? Christ, Mallo, cut the guy some slack. He didn't mean anything by it."
We're quiet for a moment. Jess's mouth has drawn into a surprised "o" and Lauren's staring at me like I have two heads. She shrugs and says, "He's just weird, that's all."
"What are you talking about, he's weird? You don't even know him. What's so weird about him?" I give her a pointed look, expecting her to backpedal or at least give me an answer, but she just stares back at me blankly. "What, so he's weird because he's not part of our group?"
Lauren balks, shooting Jess a look before turning back to me. "Um, did I say that?"
"Well, you didn't say anything else, did you? I can't think of any other possible reason."
"What's your deal, Posie? Why are you getting up my ass about this? You don't even know him."
"Yes, I do," I say before I can stop myself. Jess shifts on the bed and pulls Eric into her lap. I can feel her looking at me.
Lauren's expression turns dubious, mocking. "How?"
"We -" I stop, my anger deflating slightly at the look on Lauren's face. She's looking for something to get pissed about. I don't want it to be this. "We've talked, which is more than I can say for you." Understatement of the century, Rosalie. "I mean, we've gone to the same school since seventh grade, and it's not that big. Plus, he's Edward's best friend."
"Well it's not like Edward hangs out that much anymore anyway. We barely see him." She says this dismissively, complete with a hand wave.
But that's what they do. They dismiss anyone and anything that doesn't fit into this little world. And it is little. It's so small that barely anything will fit. I'm not sure I fit.
I wonder if they'll do that to me. It's this thought that stalls me momentarily, that brings the fear creeping back in like slow-moving fog. As pissed as I am at them right now, as much as I want to say "fuck it" and tell them everything, I'm stupidly worried about losing them to this, or at all. No matter what, they've been my best friends since I can remember, and even before that. I can't get past the fear. It's exhausting.
"I see Edward all the time and..." I trail off. They're both staring at me. It feels like they're judging me and I shift uncomfortably, hating that I'm on this side of the fence. It's different when I watch them do this to someone else. But I can't help defending Emmett. Their attitude toward him is wrong, so misguided. "You just didn't have to say what you said to Emmett earlier, okay? He was being nice and you were totally rude."
"Who cares?"
"Jesus, Lauren -" I begin, exasperated.
Jess holds her hand up. "Okay, stop. That's enough. Why are you guys fighting over Emmett McCarty of all people? Let's move on." She rolls over, raking her hand through my hair affectionately, but I'm burning from her words. Of all people? "Where's your yearbook?"
"Where it always is, Jess. Bottom shelf." My voice is thick with irritation and I take a deep breath, reminding myself that they don't know. They don't get it. "Hold on, I'll grab it." Crawling across the floor, I grab the yearbook and make my way back over. "Why do you need it?"
"We've got to figure out your date for Homecoming, of course."
"I don't want -"
Jess' head snaps toward me so fast I'm surprised it doesn't fly off. "You have to go with someone, Rosalie Hale." Awesome, she full-named me. "Roy's taking Vera, you know, and this is our senior year. We're making memories here. Plus, you know you're going to be Queen and the Homecoming Queen can't go stag."
I have this sudden vision of how Homecoming would go down if I just told them right now that I want to go with Emmett. That we've not just talked, but hung out and kissed and touched. That I feel things for him that could be really, really important someday.
And then I think about what it would be like sharing a limo with Jess and Lauren and everyone else and hanging out with them. I think about Roy, who would probably spend the entire time glowering at Emmett and me. God, it would be so awkward. I wouldn't want to put him through that, or myself for that matter.
So I won't.
"Whatever," I say with a sigh.
"Atta girl," Jess replies, choosing to ignore my less than enthusiastic response. "Now. Who should our Posie take the Homecoming?"
Jess hands the book to Lauren, who immediately starts leafing through the book. She flips over so she can look over Lauren's shoulder and they start pointing out guys and mentioning acquaintances from Port Angeles Prep. The acceptable ones, according to them.
I don't want to go to Homecoming with any of them. I don't want to go to Homecoming at all. But I have to, and if I want them to leave me alone about going with anyone else, I need to come up with a solution fast. Emmett and I may not be official and we haven't talked about going together, but I doubt he'd be excited about me going with some random guy. I would hate it if he went with another girl. Hell, I don't even know if he's going, if he'd want to. Given the fact that I've only seen him at two other dances, always with a date and looking like he was being slowly tortured, my guess is no.
That thought spurs another one, reminding me of a conversation I had with an old friend in his driveway. Bella will be in Phoenix and he has to go since he's on the court, too. It might still be awkward since he hasn't really been a part of this group for years, but it'll be bearable. We'll go, get our shit done, and then ditch as soon as we can. It'll be easy. Painless. No explanation needed.
I justify it so quickly. Maybe too quickly. Because before I know exactly what I'm doing, I say it out loud. "I'll go with Edward."
Trust us?
All of our love per usual to the usuals: Accio is our beta/north star. JD and V carry pompoms and know how to shake 'em. ;) And you guys! Are amazing. We can't tell you enough (but we try)! We love seeing you every chapter and getting to chat with you.
Oh! A reminder that we frolic on Twitter. We talk about the story a lot. Oftentimes we post pictures of things (or er, people) that inspired us while we were writing. Sometimes we just shoot the shit, so look us up! We're HotMessica.
All right, back on Monday. Have a great weekend!