Warning Rated M - for language. This is a planning and plotting chapter. With much angst - juicy - juicy angst!
A rumbling growl and soft murmurs stirred Finch from an uncomfortable, seated sleep. He reached down to comforted the grumbling dog. "Bear, gaan zitten, I'll feed you soon. Just give me a minute." Suddenly, he was fully awake with all the recent events rudely flooding back.
It had been his stomach's hungry growl to wake him and the hushed voices of Mr. Reese and Detective Carter from the other room. At some point in the early morning hours, Finch has fallen asleep watching over Carter and John. The jabbing pain running up his neck made him now, regret that decision as he bent trying to alleviate it a bit.
Finch marveled as he peered through the threshold of, an honest to God, war-room. The walls were decorated in maps, wildly criss crossed with inked intent. The table was terrifyingly blanketed in an arsenal of weapons, field armor and what he knew to be, top of the line surveillance equipment. They were hovering over the table, no doubt hashing out the details of the plan. God knew what twists and turns they'd concocted to destroy Victoria Lebeau's hellish organization.
Mr. Reese always kept a varying level of the, proverbial, 'Plan B' bag at the ready. Finch had grabbed the couple of bags he would've considered 'Plan D...' Feeling they were well past 'B' at this point."
Still thinking he was asleep, Carter whispered her vetoing concern, "No, I'm telling you...that water way is too dangerous... you'll never see the resident wildlife until it's too late. What about here, this higher ground?"
Reese shook his head, responding in his low tone, "I don't think we can safely predict potential booby traps. I've infiltrated many jungle compounds and dealt with hundreds of creative traps... but since we're dealing with drug addled insanity, not even criminal logic applies. Things could go sideways really fast."
Finch poked his head in, "Detective, Mr. Reese, good to see you up and around." Finch smiled absently rubbing his stiff neck. He was pleased to see the much improved pair. "How go the details?"
They both attempted forced grins over tired faces, failing miserably. "That good?"
"Just can't seem to find a safe way in, that leaves us with the advantage, not blown to bits or as alligator treats. Short of an air strike, we've got nothing." Reese summarized in exhaustion.
"Not yet..," Carter optimistically offered. For the most part, John's plan was well designed, devastatingly surgical and would cripple Victoria's operation. "...but we will. Hey, thanks Harold, for the supplies, especially the clothes." She fingered the shirt she wore and gave him a genuine smile. "I understand I have you to thank." She blushed at the idea that not long ago she flashed around in just her bra and the torn remnants of what used to be nice suit pants.
"I'm glad they fit Detective." Finch was pleased, noting that both, she and Reese, now wore the black T-shirts, tactical pants and boots, he'd quickly thought to bring along. He always made it a point to keep various apparel on hand and he was getting pretty good at predicting the needs of his friends. Finch inwardly paused, mulling his knee-jerk use of the word. Friends... He was struck by the irony, that as much as his current life's work demanded such secrecy, to the exclusion of all relationships, he now had more people around him that he would consider true friends, than at any other point in his whole life. He did his best to stifle the bemused surprise from his sudden revelation. "I was thinking I might head to town. Get us some food. Bagels? Coffee for you both? Anything else?"
Carter gave a coy smile, "A hair and tooth-brush? Some things shouldn't be ignored, even in the face of impending war."
Reese walked Finch to the car. "Careful out there. Your only defense is that she doesn't know you." John gave his best attempt to be tactful, "This isn't New York... so... try to blend in ok."
With his crooked and mildly offended smile, Finch headed to town.
The most wicked of storms could never have compared to the destruction left in Victoria's wake. She struck a path of hateful torment, lashing her subjects with both her verbal and physical fury. The thick braided whip, a favorite weapon, dripped with the blood of her welted followers, but all she wanted was for the blood to be that, of John Reese.
Her obsessed army cowered and grovelled at her feet, muttering praising chants and spurring her tirade. "Hear me - Voodoo spirits of the underworld! Your loyal Priestess has been offended. Our temple lays in smoldering ruins at the hands of these blasphemous and vile creatures. I cast this spell - offering their lives if you bring them to kneel before me! Hear me - Voodoo Spirits!"
Victoria continued her demonic conjuring, inciting insanity-driven devotion in her drug addled followers. "I will have my revenge!"
John was working on the computer, hunched in concentration when he violently jerked up. He felt as if the cold steel of a blade had been plunged through his chest with a vanishing thrust, leaving only a foreboding shiver crawling down his spin.
Carter jumped with his sudden movement. "John, what is it? What's wrong?"
John leaned forward holding a hand to his chest and bracing on the table with the other. The pain had hit him with a sobering clarity. They were in over their heads - he couldn't let Carter be a part of it - he had to make her and Finch leave. "Carter, she won't stop. She's out for blood and now... now you and likely everyone you care about is on her radar. You should return to New York with Finch. Protect them...They'll need you."
A frown magnified across Carter's face. "And what about you... huh? You need me too. You know as well as I do, the only way to end this is by cutting the head off the snake - right here, right now. We do this now, on our terms - not play catch up on her's, later. We're stronger together and I want that bitch!"
Reese couldn't help inwardly beaming with pride, admiration, respect... such an incredible woman. "I don't want anything to happen to you."
"Oh no. Don't you even go there! You, my friend, are not responsible for me... despite whatever that warped, hero complex of yours is telling you."
"Carter..."
She put her hand up to silence him. "No John wait. You can't do this alone, you know it and you damn well better listen. You don't have an exclusive seat to martyrdom or saving those we...care about. She made me watch and do horrible things... Things that will haunt me for the rest of my life. She made me kill, without sense or remorse. John! I almost killed you! Do you know what that does to a person?"
But before she realized the implications of what she'd just said, the words were already out. She wished she could take them back, as a million tormented shadows played across his face - each representing a piece of his soul, shattered by the horrors he'd committed and sought so desperately to atoned for. But as fast as she'd seen them, he'd slammed them back behind the harboring depths of his armor.
"Oh John, Jesus... I'm so sorry! I know you do." She hung her head, ashamed by her insensitivity, but pushed on, needing to finally get this out. "John, she almost cost me someone I... someone who's become very important to me and I won't let her succeed."
She proclaimed her words with such conviction, John questioned whether he could stop her. But this wasn't a debate, nor time to be gentle. "Think of your son, your family. Carter, they need you! The city needs you! The work you do, it's so important. You have too much to lose and so much to offer. I've already sold my soul to the devil and have lived in the darkness for so long... the world won't miss me. But not you. Some people the world just can't afford to lose. And...I" I can't lose you... His thoughts went unspoken.
Now she was mad. That was a low blow she wasn't about to let him have that one. "That's not fair. I'm here, doing this, as much to keep them safe as help keep your dumbass, alive. And what about the work you do? Hu? What about this?! It's important. You're important to Finch. And dammit - you're important to me!" Her voice cracked. Hold it together Joss! But she had already been feeling so out of control when it came to him. Why? She knew exactly why... because of what she was sure she'd heard him say last night.
"Carter. You have to understand, the work is all I am. I'm just a shell of man, empty... but for the sad and futile attempts to undo the horrible things I've done - the lives I've taken. I don't deserve..." He pleaded as she cut him off.
"Stop it! Damn, you're self-sacrificing bullshit!" She tried to sound fierce, but the tears betrayed her erupting emotions as they rolled down her cheeks.
"Joss, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to upset you...I just need you to stay safe." In an instant, he saw her tough and confident exterior, falter and soften into unsure vulnerability. He had no idea what was happening.
"John...I... I have to know. Have to ask you something. Everything that happened last night is still such a blur, but there's one thing. One image that is so clear, as vivid as you standing here, now. I'm having a hard time separating what was real from the drugs. I need to know if what I heard was real..."
He didn't know what to expect and it scared the hell out him. "Ok. I'll try..."
She looked away steeling herself and gathering her courage with a dry swallow. "When I was...was hurting you..., at the end. Did you...did you say - you loved me?"
Reese froze. It was as if the oxygen had suddenly been sucked from the room. He tried to stay emotionless and not betray his fears, always carefully hidden away. But he couldn't help the blood rush from his face.
He had. God help him! The face of death had finally given him the courage to say those words. He'd meant it. He'd felt it for so long, but he would never risk saying it, terrified of the repercussions those words would have on her life. She deserved better. He had nothing to offer her and her son - nothing but a life of violence, danger and eventual loss. She had already endured too much...
He was desperate to salvage this. "Carter I said a lot of things to try to get you to focus and fight the drugs. I'm sorry, Joss."
He saw the doubting suspicion and accepting pain, duel their way across her face, eventually forced aside by her protective walls that she wore like a uniform.
Carter annoyingly swiped at her tears. Damn him and his usual evasive style! That wasn't an answer or a denial. Because it sounded like pretext with a dash of pity! She was so confused. All she wanted was to seal up the cracks in her heart and move on. With great effort, she composed herself, "Ok yeah.., just the drugs then." She mumbled with a humorless chuckle. "Sorry, guess I'll be sorting shit for a while. Forget I asked... and forget getting me off this case! Unless you plan to knock me out, it ain't happing. So let's just get back to work!"
His heart clenched. She was so angry. He'd caused her so much anguish by protecting her with his lie, he'd all but cemented her walls.
It must have been the toll of his injuries, the grueling past four days, and the look on her face... that all conspired to wear down his conviction. The only thing that seemed to matter was the truth. Maybe if he was finally honest with her then she'd understand his fears and stay away. But he couldn't lie to her anymore. He owed her that. He reached out, tenderly laying his hand over hers. "Carter..."
Ignoring it, she bravely rallied her defenses. "Hey don't worry about it Reese. It was just another stupid hallucination. I get it. I'm sure one, of many more to come swimming to the surface." She tried to check her reeling emotions. Why did it bother her so much? Where was all this coming from suddenly? Was it sudden? Or had she felt this way about him from the start? Did she really think a man like John Reese, a lawless vigilante, could ever love someone like her - a cop? Hell, could he even stop his sacrificing long enough to love anyone? She didn't dare look him. "I'm gonna get some water."
Dammit. How did he screw this up so badly? "No. Joss, wait." He waited until she stopped and turned to him. "That's not exactly right...I mean about what I said." He felt his chest constrict. "I did say a lot of things... that part was true. But I don't mean, 'I'm sorry' I didn't say it." John swallowed. "I mean 'I'm sorry,' I lied about saying it."
Stunned eyes shot wide with comprehension as he continued. "I'm afraid of what I feel, have felt for a long time now, afraid of how it will impact you and Taylor." Reese was overwhelmed with the sudden urge to run; he'd rather be taking on all of Victoria's men, than here, right now. But instead, he sat determinedly searching for the right words.
Carter didn't move, paralyzed by his admission and the mass of feelings it stirred within her.
"Joss, You don't know what I am. I'm damaged goods, a monster with no soul left to repair." Casting his eyes to the ground, "I can't offer you anything more this..." he raised his hands pointedly looked around the old office, their weapons and battle plans spread across the table," ...danger, violence and death. That's why you should stay away."
For an eternal moment Carter said nothing, until finally she could no longer contain her churning thoughts. Fear - be damned! "I'm not stupid, John." Apparently, to hell with tact too, since he looked like she'd just slapped him. "You think I don't know what all this is? What this all represents? It's more than just danger, violence and death, John. It represents saving lives and preventing more back things from happening.
I know what you are... what you did and what you continue to do. I have no delusions about that. But it's why you do what you're doing, that defines you. You don't just do it because you're righting the wrongs of your past, you do it but because you care about the people in the present. That's why I started working with you in the first place, why I believe in you, and why I'm here now.
And whether you believe it or not, we're already a part of each other's lives. Our work crosses paths too often to think otherwise. Co-workers, friends, or more, that won't change.
And, yeah ok... 'violence, danger, and death,' that's the risk part of this, but its only a part of whole picture. If that was all there was? Why bother? Saving the lives, preventing the crimes... that's the good part, the whole picture. And the good outweighs any risk. That's what matters and that's why I became a cop.
And denying our feelings doesn't make it easier, doesn't make us safer or stronger. It leaves us lost, hollow and alone. So yeah - I know what you are, you're a good man, John. And it's why I fell in love with you."
John sat, listening in stunned silence as his heart pounded in his chest. She was so amazing, so convincing she almost had him hoping. But she was wrong - had to be wrong. "You deserve so much more." He spoke in quiet disbelief.
"God, really?! You would say that! You probably think I should have some bullshit fairytale! Find a man that's what? Perfect? A man who's predictable, safe? Who works a nine to five job, is home for dinner with flowers every evening. Takes out the fucking trash? Well, maybe I don't want that!"
Carter knew she was baring her soul, talking to herself as much as to him, and that she'd never find the courage to finish if she stopped now. "Maybe I want someone that's seen the evil and darkness in this world and doesn't run from it. Maybe I want someone I don't have to protect from the daily horrors of my job. Someone that knows the sacrifices it takes to do the right thing and won't throw them in my face."
Her eyes filled with unshed tears as she continued. "Someone that will protect my son, the way only I do. And someone to hold me in shared understanding of those things... John I didn't need or want 'storybook' perfect... maybe I'm ok with my 'twisted and fucked-up' version of it."
John was reeling, so many thoughts and emotions jumbling around in his mind, he had to fight to believe what he'd just heard. She'd said she was in love with him. Accepted him. Wanted him. She made it all sound so safe, right and possible. Could he chance it? But at what cost? He attempted to compose himself, "Twisted and fucked up, huh?" he cautiously ventured with a crooked smile.
Shyly, "Yeah..." She wiped at the stray tears on her cheeks." ...you are."
John thought about it..."Ok, I might, no... I DO have that part covered," He grinned, then grew serious again." but nothing can justify the added danger and violence of the 'gray areas,' Joss. You said it yourself... you had to kill beyond the moral justification your job provides. That was MY fault and it won't stop the closer you get me. And then there's the very real loss." John humorlessly laughed. "I'm a bad risk." He motioned at his injuries.
"Those deaths will haunt me, but you know what, it wasn't your fault. You didn't pour those drugs down my throat, put images of demons where faces used to be. What you did was give me the one thing to hold on to, the one thing that pulled me through to survive. I can't say I wouldn't have killed those people in my right mind, out of self defense, but Victoria took my right mind - not you.
You want to talk about risk and loss? For so long I avoided loss by avoiding having anything to lose. But you know what I realized? That's not living, it's just existing. I could never give up Taylor because of the 'potential' risk of losing him. So I'm not going to be so afraid of losing something that I won't try to have it, anymore. Whether you can accept that or not... I can't ignore it anymore."
In a pained voice, John confessed, "After Jessica, for so long I couldn't feel anything, wouldn't, never thought I deserved to, ever again. I failed her and feel responsible for her death...I just don't want to be the reason you get hurt. I don't think I could survive that again."
Carter laid a tender hand to his cheek. "John you're not responsible for her death and you weren't the reason she died. You don't know how things were meant to turn out, regardless of what you did or didn't do. No one knows what fate has in store for them. But what I do know is that you tried to save her, no less than you tried to save me and Taylor. We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. A lot of people wouldn't be here. Don't you see, I'm alive because you came into my life! So don't ignore what is, for what you can't know. Please... forgive yourself."
Any response Reese might have had was cut short by the sound of a car pulling up. Both Reese and Carter grabbed the nearest guns and flew to defensive positions at the darkened windows. "Stand down, it just Finch." John breathed.
With a shared look conveying a million shelved feelings all at once, they headed for the door.
"I think I've found a way in!" Finch excitedly exited his car. "The clerk-magistrate just set bail for a couple of Victoria's men that were arrested last night. If we were to post bail..."
"We could use them as a vehicle inside the compound." Reese jumped in, quickly developing their plan.
"Yes Mr. Reese, precisely and literally. All we have to do is dangle some irresistible bait."
Footnote: I absolutely love this line written, by the immortal, Joss Whedon and used in his beloved Firefly series. "I'm not going to be so afraid of losing something that I ain't gonna try to have it..." I'm thrilled I got to play with it as fuel for Carter's rant. Thanks Joss!