Well, I think I can now add coward to the list of my official titles, because that's definitely what I have been today. Sam and I have just landed in Madison, and he's now surprised to see that Donna is waiting for us at the baggage claim dressed down in jeans and tennis shoes because, despite the almost 5 hours of flights and layovers we've shared this morning, I still haven't told him why we're really here. In fact, I am lucky he hasn't looked at his return ticket and asked why he's flying back on Sunday rather than tonight.
To be fair, I spent some time on the plane trying to formulate the right words. Debating if I ask him to be my best man, or just tell him about the wedding and his expected attendance. In the end, all I could do was make justifications to myself about why holding off on telling him would be better. It was hard enough to get myself on the plane as it was, but envisioning a poor reaction from Sam, in public, no less, was definitely making my anxiety worse. It's not that I have cold feet, exactly...ok maybe I do have cold feet and telling Sam is actually putting things to words, words I am not ready to say out loud in public yet.
I thought about making Donna tell Sam about the wedding, but that felt wrong. He is my friend after all. Plus, Donna reminded me that she had to be the one to tell CJ, although she took the easy way out on that one. I say that because she conveniently left out some very important details. In fact, after CJ found out, she came knocking down my door looking for those details. What did I know about the guy? How long had they been dating? Did I really tell Donna that finding a new job or hurrying up and getting married would be a good idea? Yeah, Donna really did me a disservice there. CJ didn't totally eviscerate me, but she was pretty incensed by what Donna told her I said. Completely out of context I might add. At one point I had to remind CJ that pregnancy, while being a protected class, does not prohibit me from terminating someone if they can't keep up with the job. Turns out that, although I was technically correct and although it sounded good in my head, that wasn't actually the correct point to make at that time. Not only did CJ light into me for even bringing it up - as if I had actually considered firing Donna for being pregnant - she actually started strategizing about how to get the law changed and drug me into that. So, now you can see why I have been a little reluctant to tell Sam. That and the fact that he turns into a total woman when it comes to things like this. I am fairly confident the first questions he will ask about our relationship will use the term "making love." Although I do love Donna, and I am sure I will love the kid, for the record, I have never made love to Donna, but we have had a lot of sex. And, to me, marriage is a legal contract. To Sam it is flowers and dresses and diamonds and love and romance. This is why I still think Donna should have told him about the wedding. They can get all girly together while I actually get some work done.
As soon as we are within earshot Donna starts talking a mile a minute trying to fill us in on the schedule for the day which includes a totally made up work meeting as well as retrieving my mother from the airport and a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. When I abruptly cut her off before she mentions my mother she looks confused.
"I, uh, haven't totally briefed Sam on all the issues," I say, hoping she catches on. She still looks confused but stops talking. Normally she would help with my bags, but today I make a big show of getting them myself. Her doctor didn't give her any specific restrictions on physical activity, but I can be gallant sometimes and this seems as good of a time as any.
Bags retrieved, we head out of the terminal into the crisp spring Wisconsin sunshine. On the way to the car Donna checks her watch and that's when I notice it, she's wearing her engagement ring. I don't think Sam has seen it yet, but he will soon. It's catching the sun, splaying a design of small prisms against her jacket.
My instant reaction is to try to divert Sam's attention so he doesn't notice it, but then it hits me, the point of this weekend, the point of the wedding is for Donna to be married. Sam and I are here to be party to Donna's wedding. It's ok that he and everyone else see her ring. It's me that won't be wearing a ring. Me that will have to pretend not to be married. In a weird way, this is not actually my wedding at all.
As we get closer to the car, Donna pulls her keys from her pocket and Sam yells shotgun with childlike glee, and he thinks he's seriously going to sit in the front seat until I give him a withering look. I may not place the same significance on this wedding as the other occupants of the car, but I'll be damned if I am relegated to the back seat while my fiancé chauffeurs me around.
Sam and I load the luggage into the car and settle in for the drive to the hotel. As I sink into the passenger seat, I realize that a weight has come off me. My feet no longer feel so cold because after this is over I get to go back to my life and pretend this all didn't happen.
Putting the wedding into perspective in this way is reassuring to me. Donna has already been living with me and running my life for years. If this all goes to plan, maybe my life doesn't have to change that much. A wife and kid, how hard can that be?
AN: Famous last words from Josh? You betcha.
Also, please excuse any grammar errors from here on out, my three week old daughter is still months away from giving me a full night's sleep and naps just don't cut it.