Chapter Eight: On a Long and Lonesome Highway (In which they have a long talk on the drive to L.A. ...)

"It's the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can't stand each other. It's like we're already married." ― Leo Hathaway to Cat – (Lisa Kleypas, Married By Morning)

Cordelia had been somewhat quiet and relatively subdued for the rest of the meal, at least until coffee and after dinner drinks and dessert. At least, he thought that was what 'subdued' looked like on Cordy – he'd never seen it applied to her very often. And a bit thoughtful.

He was glad. Somehow, he seemed to have managed to get the slender Texas brunette in his corner, he wasn't sure how, and he liked her with her head and all of her limbs attached. Cordelia too, for that matter, or else he wouldn't have braved fire to save her from the teen-age Franken Cheerleader makers back in the eleventh grade.

He watched her surreptitiously out of the corner of his eye, periodically catching her studying Fred with a thoughtful expression. Fred, of course, chattered brightly away, apparently completely oblivious.

Xander didn't buy it for a second. That girl was as dangerous as rattlesnake.

Fred, not Cordy.

Although Cordy could qualify as well, maybe on the coral snake level, when she was of a mind. Or a green mamba. Something lethal and beautiful, anyway.

He shrugged, tuning back into the conversation, and took a sip of his brandy before saying, "Dunno. I have the room until noon checkout tomorrow. But we may as well get back before Angel has a hissy cow."

Snort. "Angel doesn't have hissy cows," Cordelia said.

"Sure seemed to be having one last night," Xander said, grinning.

"He was just surprised."

"Boy, was he ever surprised," Gunn said, grinning. Cordelia stuck her tongue out at him, apparently back to normal.

"Too bad," Fred said, sighing a bit. "This has been loads of fun."

"Yeah, always liked Vegas, what little I've seen of it," Gunn said.

"You've been here before?" Cordelia raised an eyebrow. "Do tell. Thought you were L.A. born and bred."

"Hey, man of the world, here," Gunn said, grinning. "Well, there was the trip when I got involved with the soul sucking casino owner," he said, "but the first time we were seventeen and me and Rondell borrowed my gran's car and took a weekend trip up, just because."

"Male rite of passage thing?" Xander asked, smirking.

"Hey now," Gunn said, "Not in front of the ladies here."

Snort. "Oh yeah, like we're such delicate flowers," Cordelia said, laughing.

Fred nodded. "Uh huh. We know all about that sort of thing. When I was growing up in Texas, it still wasn't unusual for guys dad's to take them to a local house for their first... experience."

"Fred!" Gunn's eyes went wide. "I am shocked, shocked I tell you."

"And there's gambling at Rick's, too. Yeah, Granddad did that with my dad and Uncles Rory and Dave when they were teenagers," Xander said. "To Reno, matter of fact."

"Did your dad carry on the tradition?" Gunn asked, curious.

"No, thank god." Xander blanched. "Getting 'The Talk' from my dad after he noticed me noticing that the girl across the street was a lot more interesting in her bikini that she was the summer before, was bad enough."

Cordelia snorted again, "No, nothing like that. Xander lost it to Faith after we'd broken up, in a shabby motel room."

"Wait, you kept track of your ex-boyfriend's dating and experiences after you broke up?"

Fred and Cordelia looked at each other, nodded, turned back and said, "Well, duh!" in unison.

"It's a girl thing, Gunn," Xander said.

"Oh, please," Cordelia said, smirking. "Don't even tell me you guys don't do it too."

"Of course they do." Fred scowled thoughtfully. "Wait – Faith? The evil slayer we heard of? That Angel visits in prison?"

Xander and Cordelia looked at each other, opened their mouths, closed them. Xander made a 'you started it' gesture to Cordelia, and she scowled.

"Yeah. But she wasn't evil then, I guess," Cordelia said. "To be fair. She was one of us for a long time. And she could be lots of fun."

"I'll say," Xander said. Cordelia swatted him, and he grinned at her. "It was a thing. And I won't say anything bad, because as first times go, it was something else. If she hadn't kicked me out in my underwear immediately after... "

Cordelia's jaw dropped. "I never heard that part. That skank."

"Hey, now," Xander said. "What happened to 'to be fair'?"

"I am being fair," Cordelia said, then scowled. "Ok, maybe not. But still."

"I like to think of the night before you started off to L.A. as my first time, really."

Cordelia stared at him, then broke out in a huge smile. "And of course you're just saying that, but still... "

"Anyway," Gunn said, grinning at them, "My lips are sealed on the whole thing. But, man, did I get my butt whooped when we got back."

"But it was fun though, huh?" Fred said, laughing. She frowned at Xander, "But I got the impression from Cordy, and from listening to the two of you, that you were kind of... "

"A complete and total loser with the opposite sex who only barely managed to luck into something with Cordy even though she was way outta my league?" Xander waggled his eyebrows at her, grinning.

"Well, yeah!"

"Well, yeah. That pretty well sums me up."

Cordelia rolled her eyes, and sighed. "Actually, if he'd had any reasonable fragment of dress sense or taste or cool, Xander could probably have been a real ladies man in junior high and high school."

"There was almost a compliment in there somewhere, I'm sure of it... "

"Oh, please," she swatted him. "I wasn't the only girl leaving a puddle of drool over you with that speedo on in swim tryouts. And you dated Aura in the seventh grade – "

"Until she dumped me for Roger Penser right before spring formal."

"Her loss," Fred said, giggling. "Did she ever see you formal dance?"

"And you went steady with Amy in eighth grade for a couple of months – "

"Until she dumped me for Jonathan, and then him for Jesse."

"And that Ampata girl was very pretty and pretty hot on you – "

"Until she tried to suck my life out through my tonsils."

By this point, both Gunn and Fred were having issues staying in their chairs from laughing so hard.

"Man. Any girls you ever know that didn't try to kill you?" Gunn asked.

"Lessee," Cordelia started ticking off on her fingers, "Not sure about Amy, but Aura almost ran him over once– "

"Accident."

"Suuurrree," Cordelia said. "It's important that you believe that. And then Preying Mantis Demon substitute teacher, and then Ampata, the mummy girl exchange student, and Drusilla got that crush on you and wanted to take you home with her, and Faith, and of course, Anya – "

"Wait, Anya?" Xander shook his head, "but – "

"She got me to make that wish that landed us all in the alternate universe where you and Willow got vamped."

"Oh. Right."

"I think me and Willow are the only ones who ever got involved with you who didn't try to end your life," she concluded.

"And Amy," Xander said, reminding her. "Wait, Wish, too."

"Oh. Right. And Amy? Love Spell. She tried to kill you and me because she couldn't have you. So did Buffy's mom."

"Oh, right. Sigh. Love spell: Willow too, at Buffy's house, with an axe. Clean sweep, then."

"Wait – Buffy's mom?" Fred was gasping for breath, trying to gasp in enough air to either breathe or keep laughing.

"Just about every woman in town was trying to kiss him and then kill him that night except me, and I was considering it seriously."

"Stop. Please, stop," Gunn held his hands up, palm out. "Can't breathe." He drew in a deep, ragged breath, let it out slowly as Cordelia grinned at him. "Ok. Better." He looked at Xander and shook his head, "Man. Have you ever considered a monastery?"

"Why yes, as a matter of fact," Xander said, spluttering and wheezing himself. "But burlap makes me itch."

"Might be safer for you," Fred said, wiping her eyes. "Good lord."

"I'm like a male black widow spider," Xander said, shrugging. "Every woman who mates with me wants to finish up by killing me instead of just rolling over and having a cigarette." Cordelia winked at him, and grinned.

"No – !" Fred said, "Don't start again! I just caught my breath."

Xander grinned, and looked over the remnants of dessert. Draining the last of his coffee, he said, "Ok, well, if we're gonna do this... I need a trip to the little hyena's room first." He stood, dropping his napkin on the table.

"I'll get the check," Xander said. "Caravan out, after we clear our room and get our luggage?"

As he started away from the table, Cordelia raised an eyebrow and said quietly, "We really need to talk on the way back."

For all of the assertions that they really needed to talk, the white lines rolled under the front of the Chevy for a long quiet while before either of them said anything. Cordelia fiddled with the stereo for awhile, humming along with the occasional song she liked, then, finally, turned the volume way down to a conversational level.

Oooh. Paradise by the Dashboard Lights. How... appropriate.

Turning to Xander with every outward appearance of casual indifference, she noticed him watching her out of the corner of his eye.

"Geez. Watch the highway, Goof."

"I am."

She took a deep breath, and held it, pushing her breasts out, "These are not highway."

"Vast tracts of land," he intoned, solemnly. "I can see my confusion. Just paint some white lines..."

Glare. "God. Is sex all you think about?"

"Naw. I also think about food." His lips twitched at the corners, "Right now I'm thinking I should have gone before we left the hotel."

Eye roll. "I told you to go at the last rest stop."

"Are we there yet?"

"Don't make me stop this truck and come over there... "

They exchanged grins and glances. "So... " he began.

"So," she replied.

"Hey, that's my line."

"Were you going someplace with that? Or just letting the air out of your head?" she said, archly.

"Manfully, he resisted the temptation... " he said, smirking. "Ok. So – you live at this hotel of Angel's?

"No. I have an apartment."

"You can afford an apartment in L.A.?" Xander shook his head, bemused. "What's wrong with it?"

"Hey! Don't sound so amazed." Rolling her eyes, she stated, "It's rent controlled."

"Rent controlled? How'dja manage that?"

"It has a ghost."

"A ghost? You have a haunted apartment?" Xander started laughing. "You can take the girl out of Sunnydale... "

"Oh, shut up." Looking pained, she told him, archly, "He's a very nice ghost. His name is Dennis."

"Dennis," Xander said, carefully, as if trying out the sound. "You named your ghost? Maybe I should name my ghosts, too. Spot, Rover, Puddles... "

"Oh, shut up." Cordelia's lips twitched and her eyes flicked over to him. "Puddles?"

"One of my ghosts has... issues," he said, in a perfect deadpan.

"It's a Sunnydale ghost. Of course it has issues," she shook her head slightly, as if to clear it. "Why are we talking about ghosts, again?"

"You started it."

"I so did not!"

"Yes you did."

"I did no– !" She cut off abruptly. "Jeeze. You always do this. It's like we're six again, every time you see me."

"I'm deeply in touch with my inner child." He paused, looking thoughtful, "Once, I bad touched my inner child."

"Eww!" Thumping him on the arm, she gave him a disgusted look. "You would."

"He reported me to inner child services. It was a bad scene. There was therapy involved."

"Grrrf." Crossing her arms, she thumped back in her seat. "I'm not talking to you any more."

"Promises, promises."

Grinning, she tossed her hair at him. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Sighing, she stated, "You turn everything into a joke."

"Especially jokes." At her glare, he lifted one hand from the wheel, palm out. "Ok. I'll be serious. What did you want to talk about?"

"What... ?" Exasperated, she turned more towards him, eyes flashing, one hand waving at him. "This! Dammit."

"This?"

"This! You got me drunk and married me!"

"I did not!"

"Yes you did!"

"Oh no. I'm not letting you start that again. My inner child still has a restraining order." He smirked, added, "You got me drunk and married me."

"I... !" Cordelia spluttered, her eyes wide, then closed her mouth with an effort. "I. Did. Not." Glared at him, "You did it to me."

"Why yes, repeatedly. With sound effects." A slow smile spread across his face, "You were enthusiastic, even."

Xander had never actually seen sparks flash from someone's eyes before, until now. He'd always thought it was a figure of speech. She opened her mouth, angrily, leaning forward. Paused. Her lips started twitching at the corners.

"Huh. I was kinda, wasn't I?" She tossed her head, smirking. "That has nothing to do with this."

"I beg to differ."

"I like it when you beg. But that's besides the point." She frowned, "That was sex. This is marriage."

"Love and marriage, love and marriage... " He cut off abruptly at the look she gave him.

"I will hurt you badly, Al." She shook her fist at him.

"Fine." His lips curled up at the corners, "So. Mawiagge."

"If you start doing the entire scene, I will scream," she warned.

"I like it when you scream."

"And then I'll make you mostly dead."

Sigh. He made an off hand flowing gesture, "As you wish." She folded her arms and thumped back in her seat.

Sigh. "Fine." Cordelia ignored him, glaring out the windshield. "Ok, ok, I give. So. We're married," Xander shrugged. "I'm not seeing the problem here."

Her head snapped around to him so fast he feared whiplash, eyes smoking. Her mouth worked for several moments before sounds actually came out.

"Not seeing the... " Cordelia made an inarticulate noise, hands going up to the hair at her temples. "Xander... we've been broken up for four years."

"Three years, three months, twenty-nine days, twenty three hours, " he glanced at the dashboard clock, "And fifty seven minutes."

Cordelia did the wordless mouth movement thing again, for a bit. Finally, she spluttered, stopped, started again. "You counted?"

"Naw. Just made that up, actually. But it sounded convincing."

"Aurrrggghhh!" She closed her eyes, tightly, breathed deeply for several moments. "Let's. Try. This. Again." She took another deep breath, "We've been broken up for almost four years now."

"You say 'broken up'. I prefer to think of it as 'on hiatus'," he stated, gesturing. "A hiatus where we hated each other and had sex with other people, but a hiatus nonetheless."

"It was not a hiatus!"

He gave her a skeptical look, "Well, considering the first thing we did on seeing each other again was have wild, hot passionate monkey sex and get married," Xander said in a patient tone, "I'm thinking 'yes'." He frowned, "I think there was even a janitor's closet on the mezzanine involved, too."

She started to say something, then paused and her eyes widened. "There was?"

Nodding, "And a glass elevator."

"Oh, god." Cordelia squeezed her eyes tightly shut, clenching her fists. "We really had sex on a glass elevator?!"

"In, actually." She glared at him, "And since I gather that's not helping... Moving right along here..."

She shook her head, looking as though she was contemplating pounding it on the dashboard. "There was applause. And cheering," he added, helpfully.

"This is not happening," Cordelia stated. "It just gets worse and worse the more that comes back to mind."

"Oh, gee, thanks. My ego is secure now," he said. She glared. "And I'm shutting up now."

"That. Is. Not. What. I. Meant." She bit out. Taking a deep breath again, she started, "I am not sure where this conversation left the road, but I will try again. We can not be married!"

"I beg to differ. We have rings and paper that says otherwise."

Sighing, she tried another tack. "What will Buffy think?"

"She's screwing Spike. Who cares?"

"Okaayyy... What will your former fiancée think?"

"She's an ex-demon. And she's having sex with Spike. Who cares?"

"Uh." Cordelia shook her head. "Brain bleach, much? What would Willow think?"

"She's addicted to magic. And a lesbian. And probably having sex with Spike. Who cares?"

"I'm pretty sure that b) and c) are mutually exclusive."

"In Sunnydale?" Xander gave her an incredulous look. "Wouldn't bet on it."

"Ok, point."

Xander smirked. "Seriously, Cordy. I quit worrying about what Buffy and Willow thought about my love life in high school." He paused a moment, "Ok, after high school."

"Right about the time you started having wild monkey sex with Demon Girl, huh?"

He gave her his best 'wide eyed, shocked, incredulous' expression. "Why, Mrs. Harris – I can't believe you would say such a thing!" He shook his head, "After wild monkey sex with Faith, actually."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, brother."

"More brain bleach?"

"Why, yes, thank you."

"Was right about the time that Willow had a major 'I'm all devastated and you're a monster how could you you beast' crying jag about me and Faith – after she'd dumped the whole Fluke responsibility thing on me afterwards." Xander shrugged, "Importance of Willow's opinions on my love life kinda took a nose dive, suddenly."

"Gasp," Cordelia said. "You mean you quit playing the whole 'Willow and Buffy's love life is off limits but yours is fair game' game? Gee, you've got some nerve, mister."

"I know. I'm a horrible person."

"You really are." Cordelia settled herself more comfortably into the seat. "Not that sex-with-Faith puts you in the running for Man of the Year or anything."

"Neener neener. You're just jealous."

Her eyes widened. "Oh, you did not just say that! Am not."

"Are too."

"I so am not."

"So are."

"Are not!"

"Are too."

"Not."

"Too."

"Stop that!" Cordelia smacked him on the arm. Hard. "Jeeze. What are you, twelve?"

"You started it."

"I so did not!"

"Did too."

"Di– " She bit off in mid syllable, glaring. "We are so not going there again."

"Almost had you going, though." Xander smirked, unrepentant.

"I'm not talking to you any more."

"Or any less."

"I so can't wait to get this annulled."

"Yeah... " Xander trailed off, looking thoughtful. "Why?"

"Huh?" Cordelia gave him an incredulous look, "What do you mean, why?"

"Simple word, three letters. Why?" He took his eyes from the road long enough to give her a serious look.

"Because! Because... " Her mind apparently went into brain lock for a moment, leaving her mouth hanging open. She shut it with a snap. "Because we can't, that's why!"

"Gee. I'm so glad we cleared that up. I fail in the face of your eloquence."

"Oh, shut up." She glared at him. "Doofus."

"Tramp."

"Dweeb."

"Harpy."

"Lamoid."

"Tramp."

"Hey! You said 'tramp' already."

"You got drunk and fell into marriage with the first guy that came along. It bears emphasis."

"I did not!" If looks could incinerate, he'd vanish in a puff of brimstone about now. "Except for the part where I kinda did, but that's beside the point."

"Which is the kind of logic that, well, isn't," he smirked again.

"Oh, shut up. Dork." She glared out of the corner of her eye and said, "You somehow got Fred on your side on this, didn't you."

"No." Xander noted her skeptical glance and said, "Seriously, no. Don't know how Fred got on this train, but I never even talked to her on it."

"Sure," she shook her head, huffed at him.

"Seriously, Cordy," Xander's eyes were intense as he flicked his gaze toward her. "What would be so unthinkably horrible about it? The 'us staying married' it?"

"But... " Her mind apparently went into vapor lock again.

"Seriously. What's the worst that could happen," Xander said, snickering. "It's not like I could leave you at the altar at this point."

"True. And you just cursed us."

"Only works on the Hellmouth." His lips twitched upwards at the corners. "Or were you about to marry tall, dark, and Groosalugsome before I happened?"

"Huh? Wha– no!"

"Ah. Just using him for the wild monkey Groosa-love, then."

"Huh? No, I was no- " She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and counted to ten. And added twenty for good measure. "Groo has nothing to do with it," she said, with great dignity.

"Uh huh. So you're pining hopelessly for Captain Hairgel, then?"

"Oh, right– What?" She boggled at him. "Angel? Me? What?"

"You know. Tall, dark, mysterious. All the girls have a thing for him. You drooled all over him that one Halloween? Working in close proximity, all deep gazes and hot, well... cold sweaty exertion in the evil fighting trenches – it's understandable."

"I do no– " Cordelia took a deeper breath, closed her eyes, gave it a thirty count this time. Opened her eyes in her frosty-est glare. "I. Do. Not. Have. A. Thing. For. Angel," she said, through gritted teeth. "There is no thing."

"Angel has no thing?" He went wide eyed and incredulous. "That's not what Buffy said– "

"I do NOT have a thing for Angel!" Startled birds took flight in distant counties. In Oregon.

He winced, wiggled a finger in his ear to clear it, and watched out of the corner of his eye as she drew in a deep breath and visibly counted to ten. "Ah. Cool. 'Cause, you know: Angel, sex equals soul lossage and badness... "

"I am not pining for Angel! You... you... you... " She spluttered. "Cretin."

"Hey," he shook his head. "I don't care what happened before we got married, y'know? I'm easy."

Nuclear winter wore a warmer expression. "Just. Let. It. Go."

"Ok, then, if it's not Groo-some, and it's not Angel, I'm without clue." He shrugged. "I'm still waiting," he shot her an expectant look.

"Oh for... " She glared helplessly at him. "Xander... why in the world would you possibly want to stay married to me?"

He was quiet for a long period of time.

"Well?"

"I'm thinking. I'm thinking." He shook his head, ruefully. "I got nothing."

"You... !" Cordelia let out her breath in an exasperated huff, followed by an outright growl when she caught the ghost of a grin on his lips. She crossed her arms under her breasts and glared out the window. "Skinned alive, dismembered, boiled in oil... "

"You say the sweetest things, dear."

"I'll 'dear' you. Stuffed and over the mantle... " Shaking her head, she wrenched the conversation back to where she'd headed it, with a dismal feeling it was destined to veer off the rails regardless. "Seriously, Xander. Just answer the question. Give me a good reason – any good reason – why you'd want to marry me?"

"You're gorgeous, smart, funny, one of the bravest women – no – people I've ever known, brutally honest, gorgeous, and incredibly cute when you wrinkle your nose like that."

"You said gorgeous twice."

"And you're fairly adequate in the sack."

"Adequate – !"

"And, dear God – if you could only see those tits from a male perspective. Works of art. Momma Mia!"

That glare was of paint melting intensity. Good job, hero. Xander very carefully kept the smirk hidden and out of his voice.

"Fleets have been launched by tits like those," he mused. "Nations have crumbled... "

"Shut. Up." The glare muted to a thoughtful look. "You've changed. You never would have had the nerve to say stuff like that when we were dating."

"Three years with Anya, Demon Queen of the Inappropriate Commentary. The inhibitions are the first thing to go."

"I can tell." She grinned.

"And," Xander continued, "You're one of the very few people that knows me inside and out, from kindergarten, and still likes me. I can blurt my mind to you, and you'll just go eww, roll your eyes, and carry on."

"Don't be so sure." She snorted. "And I do not like you. As if!"

"Do too."

"Do– Oh no you don't."

"Almost got you. Neener."

Cordelia stuck her tongue out at him, then sighed heavily. "Xander... I treated you like frozen crap when we broke up."

"No, really?"

"As a matter of fact, I treated you like crap from the third grade on."

"Uh huh."

"I called you every lousy name I could think of."

"You did that thing."

"I threw private dirt about your family and stuff in your face in front of our other friends."

"Yup, yup."

"Oh for... you're hopeless." She re-crossed her arms and bounced in her seat angrily.

"And you guys help the hopeless, right?"

"You're beyond help." She cut her eyes sideways at him, "I said 'good reasons'."

"We have chemistry."

"So does sodium and water."

"We make sparks together."

"We fight like cats and dogs."

"But the make up make up make-out sessions are incredible."

"And... huh." She went into apparent brain melt again, rebooted. "They really are, aren't they?"

"Ohhhh yeah."

Cordelia eyed him speculatively. "There's more to life than fighting and seriously hot make up sessions."

"Like what?" He shot her a molten look from those deep brown eyes.

"Uh... " Brain freeze. "Ummm."

Still Small gave a mental smirk in Xander's mind. 'Stop that, Cordy. He'll never believe you if you keep going into vapor lock.'

Xander smirked. "You got nothing."

Glare. "I do so. Umm." Cordelia met the intensifying smirk with a withering look. "Like, making a home. Building a life together. And... stuff."

Another eyebrow waggle. "Me good catch. Me assistant junior vice president. Me have new truck. Nice cave."

"Oh. Right. Like that matters. You'd think I was materialistic or something."

This time, the look she got was frankly disbelieving. Sigh. "Ok, you got me there. Dammit."

"I'll be magnanimous in my victory." Xander paused, "And we know each other better than anyone else ever could – good and bad."

"Aha! And that should be great reasons to run like hell – away from each other."

"Which would be why you fell onto my lips and into the Elvis Presley Chapel of Lurve and Matrimony with me. That whole running away thing."

"I – err. Dammit. I was drunk." Her mouth quirked wryly, and she rolled her eyes. "Ok, got me there, too."

"And, we're definitely sexually compatible," he met her raised eyebrow with a smug look. "You think I'm a Viking in the sack."

"Hah! You wish, Buster!"

Xander pitched his voice to a high, girlish falsetto, "Oh god! Oh god – Yes! Give it to me, Nighthawk!"

Cordelia's eyes narrowed to slits. "I did not say that."

"Screamed it, actually."

"You wish."

"Oh! Oh! Yes! Yes! Slam it, Hyena boy! Oh god yes!" That was a decidedly... interesting shade of violet-red Cordelia was turning, he decided.

She squeezed her eyes tightly closed and thumped her head back into the headrest. "You said you didn't remember that part."

"Bits and pieces are coming back, slowly." He snickered. "Besides, those were from the morning after, when we were sober."

"This is a nightmare. I really must wake up sometime." Cordelia cracked open an eye just enough to glare at him. "And if you smirk even a little bit, Geek-boy... "

He carefully kept himself one-hundred and ten percent smirk free. Well... ninety-eight percent, anyway.

"I'm still not hearing a good reason." Her arms folded across her chest, and her chin went up defiantly.

"Because I never quit being in love with you," Xander said, quietly.

Cordelia opened her mouth and froze there, gaping at him. She closed it finally, started to speak several times, cleared her throat. Then, "You never ever said you were in love with me."

"I was going to," he said, sighing, "And then there was Willow kissage and falling and re-bar. It seemed the moment had passed."

"Heh. Ya think?"

"Besides which, you wouldn't answer my calls."

"Of course not. You cheated on me. With Willow."

"It was the 'with Willow' thing that was the deal breaker, huh."

"Gee, ya think?"

"Uh... sorry?" The withering look suggested that was a no go there. Looked like a job for Puppy Dog Eyes.

She looked away from him, shifting uncomfortably. "I was just about going to tell you I thought I loved you. After Homecoming. And then... "

"Oh."

"Yeah. Oh."

"Well, crap."

"Well put, Nighthawk." She glared, then snickered abruptly. "Timing is everything, huh?"

"Oh, you bet. Definitely." He waggled his eyebrows, "At least we had make up sex before you left for L.A."

"Oh, right, way to home in on the important thing there."

"In my defense: gorgeous Cordy, incredible tits, male, eighteen, do the math."

"Pig."

"Oink oink." Xander smiled, "Pointless to say that there wasn't ever anyone else, after you, I guess?"

"Oh, I believe that. Really." Cordelia rolled her eyes, "Except for Demon Girl. And Faith."

"Hey. Anya came up to me, dropped all her clothes, and said I had to have sex with her so she could forget me. I repeat: I was eighteen and male. You do the math." He gave her half a lopsided grin, "And Faith was... hey. There was life saveage, and near death experience, and curve steerage. And it was Faith."

"Oh. And that makes all the difference."

"Seriously? I'm male. And straight." His eyebrow went up. "And, hey – Faith. Hell, you'd hit that. And you're not gay."

"I so would not!" Cordelia snorted, then paused thoughtfully.

"See?"

"Oh, shut up." Pause... "There'd have to be alcohol involved."

"You're still of an age to be in your experimental phase," he said, understandingly.

Cordelia rolled her eyes, then gave him the blinding thousand watt Pepsodent Cordelia smile. "Exactly!"

Xander shifted carefully in his seat. "I think I just had a new fantasy hit my top five."

"Oh please, like you haven't had that one for years now."

"Well... " he shrugged. "Guy. What can I say?"

Laughing, she shook her head. "God, I've missed you."

"Once you go Xander, you never go back."

"Don't push your luck, Dweebo." Cordelia sighed. "I don't want to live in Sunnydale."

"We don't have to."

She raised an elegant, manicured eyebrow. "Oh? And what's this 'we' stuff, Kemosabe."

"Wither thou goest, Mrs. Harris," Xander said, grinning. Shrugging, he added, "Shamar and Corey Construction has holdings all over. International even. I can work anywhere."

"I can't leave L.A." She sighed. "Visions – Angel and the guys need me."

He made a face at the 'A' word, but shrugged again. "Our main offices are in Los Angeles. I can live in L.A."

Cordelia gave him a skeptical look. "And Buffy? And the slay-age?"

"Six years, now." Sigh. "I've been less and less key-guy as time goes on."

"Angel. You. Less than mix-y."

"I can deal with Angel, if I have to." He made a face "Do I have to?"

"Angel. Job. Me. Vision girl." She stared at him. "You do the Math."

"Well, fuck."

"Not right now, dear. We're driving."

"You have a room at that hotel, right?"

"Yup." He got the Pepsodent smile again. "Not like you're going to see the inside of it."

"Oh, cruel." Xander shook his head, sadly. "You're failing on your wifely duties, already."

"Poor baby." Cordelia brightened, "Hey! If we don't consummate, that helps with the annulment, right?"

"We consummated." He grinned, "Boy, did we consummate. Just ask the people in the six adjoining floors."

"Oh. Right. Darn."

"It was good, though."

"Oh god, was it ever. I haven't consummated like that in... uh... forever."

Xander looked at her, one eyebrow going up.

"Eyes on the road, Dork!" Cordy flushed, slowly, from the cleavage upwards. "Oh god. Did I think that out loud?"

"See that state trooper we just passed? Right now, he's going 'What? What did she say?'"

"Oh, shut up."

"Hey, at least we know our kids will graduate 'momma-cum-loudly'."

The look she gave him was half alarmed, and more than half disbelieving. "The hell did that come from? Kids?" She scowled, "You may not live to have kids."

"Getting ahead of myself?"

"You think? Just a tad bit."

"Maybe if I agree to carry them?"

"Don't even tempt me."

"Not like you haven't had practice."

"The what did you say... ?"

Xander looked at her frankly. "Litter of demon spawn? Impregnated with a bouncing baby third eye in the back of the head?"

"I am going to strangle Willow. Slowly."

"Oh, please." Xander shot her an incredulous look. "Like you thought Will didn't shoot over to lay those little tidbits on Buffy as soon as the receiver hit the cradle? And Buffy to me?"

"Willow. Strangle. Slow."

"At least I only dated monsters. I didn't carry them to term."

Steel would melt from that look. Titanium, even. "Willow is in Sunnydale," she bit out every syllable. She smiled sweetly, "You are in arm's reach."

He gulped. "Yes, dear. Shutting up now, dear."

She gave him a gimlet stare, followed by a distinct 'humph!' sound. "Let's see... " She ticked off on her fingers as she continued, "Preying Mantis Teacher, Life-sucking Mummy Girl, Psycho Slayer, ex-Vengeance Demon... Do you really want to compare dating resumes here, Fish Boy?"

"You wound me with your words." He grinned, "You left off the best of all: Demon Ice Princess of Sunnydale High, 1997, '98, and '99."

She snorted, then snickered, then started laughing. "That's Queen Demon Ice Princess of Sunnydale High to you, King of Cretins. And don't you forget it."

"Never happen. You're unforgettable, Cordy." He grinned at her.

"Damn straight." She settled in comfortably, looking at him under her eyelashes. "Best thing that ever happened to you."

"Yup." Xander nodded. "Which is why I don't plan to let you go again," he said seriously.

An eyebrow arched at him. "Oh?"

"Hey," he waggled his ring finger at her. "To have and to hold, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part."

"Hmmph." Cordelia snorted, "In our line of work? That last is a real possibility."

"I'll take my chances," he said, quietly.

Cordelia stared at him, then dropped her gaze to the matching ring. "You really mean that, don't you."

"More than anything I've ever meant."

She looked at him askance. Xander was pretty sure that was what 'askance' looked like – he'd seen it directed at Anya often enough. "We're not seriously thinking about doing this, are we?" she asked.

"Uh... I dunno. Are we?" he asked, carefully.

"I'd have to be completely out of my ever-loving mind."

"Think you achieved that in Buffy's basement in the eleventh grade."

"Don't remind me. It was such a nice mind – I miss it so." She frowned.

"Yeah, and it's far too small to be out on its own yet... "

THAT glare would melt adamantium...

"You're one to talk, Microcephalic Man," Cordelia said. "Okay... What about Anya?"

Xander sighed. "Huh. Left at the altar, and married another woman in a drunken haze in Vegas. I'm thinking that bridge is not only burned, I done blowed it up, nuked the rubble, and pissed on the radioactive ashes."

"Nice imagery."

"Thank yew, thank yew, thank yew verra much." He sighed again, shaking his head. "So... I'm pretty sure that's a dead issue. Defunct. Bought the farm. Nailed to the perch. Pining for the fnords – "

"The parrot is ex. We get it," she laughed.

"Two shows a night, we're here all week. Enjoy the veal."

"And, besides. She's having sex with Spike."

"Don't remind me." Xander shuddered, "Saw it in living technicolor, on video."

"Ew." She considered, shuddered herself. "I have some brain bleach left."

"Ta, much," he shot her a pained grin. "On the up side, I'll probably go in the record books for the truly epic vengeance she'll come up with for me."

"We who are about to die horribly, would so much rather not."

"Ex-zact-a-ly." Xander glanced sidelong at her. "So... are we actually considering this?"

"I'm thinking. I'm thinking." Cordelia buried her face in her hands. "Oh, god. I can't believe I'm actually thinking about this."

"I knew I'd wear you down."

"Don't push it. Burying you in pieces is still an option." Cordelia smiled. It was not a nice smile. "We have a garden."

"Angel gardens?" Both of Xander's eyebrows shot up. "I thought he'd have, like, cold, dead seeds?"

"Don't go there. I will hurt you badly."

"A black thumb?'

"I'm warning you."

"Yes, dear."

She scowled suddenly, "How could ever I trust you?" Glowered at him. "I don't think I could deal with another 'Fluke'."

"Seriously?" He looked at her incredulously. "Do you honestly think I could ever do that to you again?"

"Well... " Cordelia studied him for a long while. "No. I guess not."

"Damn straight."

Her lips twitched, once, twice, and into a full on smirk. "Unless Faith offered you another taste?"

"Well... "

Both eyebrows went up, and Cordelia riveted him with the Death-glare-from-Hell.

"Hey. Faith. Seriously... you'd hit that."

The Death Glare intensified, then softened. "Hrrmph. As long as it's not Willow."

"She's gay now."

"Oh, right. And she couldn't have figured that out before Homecoming?"

"What can I say? I ruined her for men."

Snort. Snicker... "Riiiiggghhht. Dream on, Dork-head."

"Oz doesn't count."

"I'm going to tell Oz you said that."

"Err... eep?" He waggled his eyebrows. "So... will you marry me?"

"We're already married, Dumbass."

"That was easy. Will you stay married to me?"

"I'm not talking to you any more."

"That's ok." He smiled. "I like the quiet."

"Be a cold day on the Hellmouth when you get any."