The Diary of Jane

by Argyle.S

Three weeks after the incident with Dennis, Maura has to fly to D.C. for the weekend to consult on a case, but she leaves something behind for Jane. Her journal, which contains a series of letters she's written to Jane over the months since the two settled their argument over Doyle's shooting. Letters she's been too afraid to show Jane.

10. Chapter 10

Jane

My Beloved Jane,

I feel so stupid, so humiliated. I wonder how I ever hoped someone could love something as pathetic as me.

When Dennis walked back into my life, I fully intended to refuse to speak to him. The way he treated me was reprehensible. For someone to simply disappear for months, without so much as a word, a call, or an email. It was insulting. It was humiliating. I kept asking "what was wrong with me, that I could be so easily cast aside by so many different people? Why does no one love me?"

But my weakness was stronger than my pride. I needed so desperately to feel loved, or at the very least, desired. That there was someone, anyone, who wanted all of me. If it couldn't be you, I was desperate enough to accept any substitute.

I can't keep doing this, Jane. Yesterday, loving you and not having you nearly killed me. Today, it's worse. I see you holding Tony, hear you on the phone trying to arrange custody, and I remember my dreams of us starting a family and building a future.

I'll try to hold on, because I know you need me now, more than ever before. I'll try to swallow my feelings, to reach for you only as a friend and not as a would be lover, but I don't know how much longer I can do this before something has to give, and I only hope that our friendship is strong enough to survive when it does.

With all my love,

Maura

I wiped the tears from my face, wondering again how I could have missed what Maura felt. Hating myself because she'd nearly gotten killed because I couldn't get my head out of my ass. If I had, I could have spared Maura so much pain, and I would never forgive myself for that.

I looked over at the phone. I wanted to call Maura, tell her to tell the fibbies to go fuck themselves and come home. I wanted her here. I wanted to hold her, kiss her and make love to her.

The only thing that stopped me was that I'd promised myself I'd finish the journal before I made any decisions

Oh, I knew I was kidding myself. There was never any decision to make. Not once I realized I was in love with Maura. That I'd probably been in love with Maura as far back as the Fairfield case. I just didn't want there to be any doubt.

I turned back to the journal. There were only a handful of letters left.