Still not 100% sold on the ending but I did promise to post by the end of the weekend. (This is getting it in just under the wire). Thanks for all the wonderful y comments, favorites, and follows with this story. It basically took on a life of its own after I wrote one chapter for the July Challenge. A HUGE THANK YOU to Shiny Jewel who Beta'd for me on many chapters as well as my anon beta for her work at well.
CHAPTER 10
(***)
I bite my lip as Deacon comes back in the house. He doesn't meet my gaze, instead he heads straight to the baby bouncer on the living room floor. Maddie's been keeping herself occupied with the mobile above her head and lets out a squeak of surprise when her Daddy interprets her. I watch as Deacon unbuckles her straps and picks up her. In spite of my current mood, I smile when Maddie kicks her legs in excitement. From my vantage point, I can't see Maddie's face but I can see Deacon's. His eyes are sparkling and he is smiling as he bring Maddie towards his chest. Our daughter has been smiling for several days now and I based on his reaction, Maddie is smiling at him.
I say Deacon's name but he quickly responds, "Not now." Deacon doesn't even look towards me. Instead, he starts using his Maddie voice. Its softer and slightly higher pitched than Deacon's normal speaking voice. The two of them quickly retreat into the nursery leaving me alone in the living room.
I let out a shaky breath and try to figure out how to fix what I'd messed up. Deacon got back from California a few weeks ago, and since then we've been walking a tightrope that snapped about two hours ago. First, Deacon was a little annoyed that I hadn't told him over the phone about Teddy moving out. Deacon seemed to get over that really quickly when he realized that Teddy and I were over. Since then, Deacon has been waiting for an invitation to spend the night.
Deacon doesn't push but I can tell how disappointed he is every night when he leaves.
Then, this afternoon Bucky called and told me I could no longer put off a meeting with Edgehill. They wanted to discuss where my career was going now. Deacon had already gone to the studio to re-record a track. Tandy and Watty were both out of town. Daddy wasn't an option and neither was bringing Maddie with me. So, I called Teddy to come watch Maddie. Unbeknownst to me, Deacon finished his session early and came back to spend the evening with us.
Instead of seeing me and Maddie, Deacon walked into his daughter being held by Teddy. Needless, to say Deacon was confused and hurt. He kicked Teddy out and then waited for me
Of course, when I got home I made it worse by asking Deacon why he wasn't at his night meeting. He accused me of checking up on him. I got scared that he was slipping into his old habits. There was no yelling or throwing things. Maddie was in the room with us and neither one of us wanted her to realize what was going on. I got teary eyed when I reminded him of what happens when he stops going to two meetings. He let me know with a clinched jaw that I was not responsible for his sobriety. He asked if I was getting back together with Teddy. I assured him I wasn't. Then he just walked out the front door with his keys in hand.
Now Deacon is back. He's clearly sober and furious at me. I walk over to the coffee table and turn on the baby monitor. I hear Deacon's voice immediately and sink into the couch. I grab a throw pillow laying there and run my fingers against the material. After Deacon read through several books, I realize its almost 8:30 and past time for Maddie's bath. I tiptoe to the nursery and open the door. I wait for Deacon to acknowledge me. Instead, he finishes another story.
Finally, Deacon looks up at me, with Maddie in his arms. I softly tell him what time it is. Deacon walks towards me and hands the baby to me before turning to leave. Deacon had helped me wash off Maddie when she spits up on herself. But he's never really been part of night time ritual. I invite him to stay and his eyes soften.
We go to the hall bathroom, where Maddie's baby tub is. We don't talk about anything except bath time. I hum some song that has no real tune as I make up lyrics about soap and splashing. Like always, she lets out a cry of frustration when I try to wash her hair. Deacon tries to distract her by squeaking one of her rubber duckies and splashing water around her. She ends up peeing in the tub and all over my hand. Deacon laughs so hard that he cries while I just keep encouraging Maddie to pee on her Daddy soon. I've gotten drenched several times and he has somehow avoided Maddie's wrath.
When we are done with the bath, Deacon puts Maddie in her yellow towel designed to look like a duck. He keeps her distracted by making faces while I put on her diaper and put lotion on her legs and belly. She cries again when we put on her pajamas. Deacon leans in close to Maddie's face and tells her she is just like her mama because Maddie, "would rather run around naked than wear clothes." I grin and bump my hip against his while we stand at the changing table. I grab Maddie and sit on the carpeted floor. Deacon joins us. Like every night since I've brought her home, I read 'Good Night Moon' first, then we read some book Tandy bought called, "Baby's First Christmas."
I hand Maddie to Deacon and head into the kitchen. I return a few minutes later and hand Deacon the warm bottle. I've been pumping for a few weeks now and Deacon loves to give her a bottle. He rocks her in the chair while I plop back on the floor, enjoying watching the two of them.
When Maddie finally falls asleep, Deacon puts the bottle down and stands up, placing Maddie in her crib. He pulls the blankets over and hits the mobile so that music fills the air. Then Deacon lifts his hands out to me and pulls me up towards him. Before Deacon can talk, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and hang on tight. I bury my face in his neck and whisper, "I'm sorry" several times. It takes a moment but I finally feel his arms wrap around my waist and pull me closer. Deacon tries to pull away twice but my grip makes it impossible. He whispers over the mobile music that we need to talk. I loosen my grip slightly and rest my head against his cheek. We just stand still for a moment, saying nothing as Maddie's music continues to play.
I watch Deacon bring my hand up to face. He lightly kisses my fingertips before he leads me into the living room. He pulls me toward the couch and we sit down, our hands still connected. I open my mouth to say something but Deacon speaks first.
"I'm sorry too," Deacon admits. I cock my head to the side, surprised by his words but I don't want to interrupt him. Deacon breathes out and tells me that he went to the meeting at the community center. I bite my lip again and sniff that I shouldn't, "Have been checking up on you and questioning your commitment to your sobriety."
He tells me that its different this time and I shake my head, knowing it is.
"I just...I know you've changed Deacon, I do. But I couldn't bear if you disappointed yourself again. I don't know if either one of us could go through that again." Deacon looks down at our connected hands and admits he shouldn't have skipped a meeting.
"I know two meetings are important, I do. I just missed my girls so much and I just wanted to be here with y'all." His voice is raw with honesty.
It makes me smile and I can't help but lean in closer. I love when he refers to Maddie and I like that. His eyes sparkle and he tells me for the first time in years, he was able to calm himself down without thinking of booze or sex.
"I just focused on Maddie and how much I wanted to be here with you two." I lean over and kiss Deacon's temple.
Then I change the subject. I apologize to Deacon for the debacle with Teddy earlier. We talk about how Teddy fits into the picture now. Deacon and I both agree that Teddy loves Maddie and deserves to get to see her grow up. I make it clear to Deacon that Teddy and I are over. Deacon makes it clear that he wants to know when Teddy is coming over. I promise to tell him first, to talk to him about it first.
Then Deacon asks what's next. I cock my head to the side and ask him what he means.
He stares at me without saying anything. I know what he's asking and I take in a deep breath. I tell him I love him. It isn't some huge revelation. I've been in love with this man since I was sixteen. Whether he's sober or drunk, in the next room or eight states away in rehab, I've always been in love with him. He knows that, I know that, pretty much everybody we ever come in contact with is aware of my feelings. I tell him that seeing him with our daughter just makes me love him even more.
He squeezes my hand and tells me he feels the same way. He whispers to me that I've never looked more beautiful than when I'm holding Maddie in my arms.
Somehow we both end up laying on the couch, fingers still intertwined. I tell him that I just need a little more time. I don't want to run straight from Teddy back to him. I want to make sure that we are doing right by each other and doing right by Maddie. He says he understands but admits he's not thrilled about it. He confesses that he misses me, misses us. I know what he means. I miss making love obviously but I also miss just being in his arms. I miss feeling him against me and inside me. I miss the way we would lay against each other. When I tell him that he merely sighs again and makes me swear he won't have to wait too long.
Deacon says he doesn't like the idea of Maddie and I being by ourselves. I reassure him we are in one of the safest neighborhoods. Deacon says he still doesn't like leaving us. I remind him that we are in an upscale condo with lots of neighbors. He just keeps looking at me like a sad little puppy.
I smile and offer to let him stay in the guest bedroom. He laughs and pushes himself off the couch.
(***)
I rock back and forth in the rocking chair and sing another verse of 'Santa is Coming to Town.' Ray loves this contraption but after thirty minutes of rocking, I'm feeling a little sea sick. Maddie's eyes don't seem to be closing at all but mine seem to be getting heavier and heavier every time I sing another song. We've gone through at least a dozen Christmas songs at this point, and I'm running low on new material.
Maddie just keep looking at me like she's waiting for something interesting to happen. I play with Maddie's feet which are covered in her footie Christmas pajamas. She is ticklish on the arches of her feet, just like Ray. Maddie stretches her arms and lets out a soft cry. I stand up and start walking around the nursery. She cries louder and scrunches up her face more. Her cries reach another decibel. I try to calm her down by bouncing her around. I hate when she's upset but honestly I'm so tired at this point that I want her to stop as much for my sake as hers.
Maddie starts wailing and I feel my eyes get heavier. She doesn't need her diaper changed, she's not hungry, she's not cold, she's not hot. I've given her drops in case she has gas, checked her for diaper rash and still nothing appears to be wrong. But she still cries.
That is another thing that Maddie gets from her Mama. She's loud and has the ability to sob for no good reason at all. I hear Ray's door open and smile in spite of the baby screaming in my ear. Ray's eyes are half closed, her hair is wild, and she's wearing one of my old t-shirts. Ray walks over to both of us and puts the back of hand on Maddie's head. Once Rayna feels that Maddie doesn't have a temperature, she asks what's wrong.
"Maybe she is just missing her Mama?" I suggest and hand Maddie to her. For a moment that does the trick and Maddie seems to calm down. I enjoy the quiet while Ray makes her way back the nursery. But the second Ray lays her in the crib, the tears start again. Ten minutes later, Maddie is calmed down again until Ray tries to lay Maddie down again.
Now Maddie's crying sounds more agitated than it did before and her face is redder. Somehow, Ray and I have managed to truly piss off an infant. Maddie continues to cry every time Rayna gets near the crib. Eventually, I kiss Rayna's forehead and tell her to go back to sleep. It is my turn to be up with the baby and Rayna looks like she is going to fall asleep. Ray tells me she loves me, her voice laced in sleep as she head back to her bedroom.
Fifteen minutes later, Maddie is in her bouncy seat completely awake. She seems to be fascinated by the lights on the Christmas tree. Ray is completely zonked out in her bed and I'm chugging coffee.
As a kid, I was never been a huge fan of Christmas. I hated being at home and Christmas break meant two weeks straight of walking on egg shells. Santa never brought me the present I really wanted. There was never a magical moment where snow started falling. Our Christmas tree never looked like it did on television and I never thought the mall Santa looked like the real deal. Mama seemed to always be stressed about money. We never had traditions or places we always went to celebrate. It was just two weeks of waiting for the other shoe to drop while everyone else had some magical vacation with awesome presents and non-shitty father figures.
As much as I didn't like the Holidays as a kid, I find Christmas as an addict is worse. Every meeting is packed with members needing an extra hour of affirmation. There are people who come to meetings who aren't even addicts. They are just lonely people in need of being with others.
The stories during the Holidays are all similar: Mama selling Christmas presents for crack or Daddy throwing the Christmas ham against the wall. The stories are depressing as are the cheap decorations in the Sunday School classrooms or in the side room of the cafeteria at the hospital.
On the years that I wasn't sober, I would go from Holiday party to Holiday party and drink until Rayna either lead me to the cab or I passed out. The years I was sober, Ray and I avoided those parties like the plague. Looking back, both versions seem pretty extreme now. But no matter the year, we never really decorated the cabin. Most Decembers, Ray would buy a wreath for the front door but that was normally it.
Truth is, Ray hasn't minded ignoring Christmas either. The holidays remind her a lot of her Mama and I think up until now, it just hurt too much to really celebrate it. We've never gone to the Christmas shows at the Opry or put out lights in the front yard. We didn't go buy a big tree. Rayna never wore snowflake jewelry or Santa pins. We sure as hell didn't record a Christmas album or do one of those Christmas specials for television.
But this year is different. It is Maddie's first Christmas. I want to start Christmas traditions, like normal families have. I want Maddie to be an angel in the Christmas play and squeal when she sees Santa. I want her be so excited about Christmas that she can't sleep the night before.
Last weekend, we decorated Ray's place. It took the whole afternoon but it was worth it. We got an eight foot tree at one of the tree farms outside of Nashville. It wasn't that cold outside but Ray dressed Maddie in like nine layers. The poor baby could barely move any part of her body. But she was there for our very first Christmas tree hunt. Then when we got back to the apartment, Tandy was there with boxes and bags of Christmas decorations.
The fireplace is decorated with greenery and three stockings. There are two big ones: one red with a cursive 'Mama' on it and a green one with 'Daddy' over the front. The middle one is red and green stripped with Maddie's initials. The kitchen has a Christmas balls in big glass bowls and snowflakes hanging down from the chandelier. There are the stuffed polar bears with the Santa hats that Watty brought over yesterday. There are antique nutcrackers that Lamar got on the fireplace and huge poinsettia plants that Edgehill sent over last week on the kitchen table. I take another sip of coffee and look down at Maddie. Her eyelids flicker and her breathing has slowed. She is almost asleep.
In the last couple of weeks, I've pretty much abandoned my apartment for Ray's and basically moved into the spare room. The bed in the room is actually the bed Ray and I had when we lived together at the cabin. The only thing missing now is Ray. I'm really trying not to rush things with her. Truth is, she's suppose to be married to another guy right now. She should have been done with me years ago. God knows, I've lied to her and hurt her and taken advantage of her for years. She would have every right to ignore more, shut me out of her life, or punch me every time she sees me.
Instead, we are raising our daughter together. We are living in the same house. We are writing songs again and planning for our future. It's way more than I deserve and I know I should be happy with that. I just hope there is some adult time for me and Ray soon.
I look over a the bouncy seat and see Maddie's eyes are closed and her breathing is even. I let out a tired breath and pick her up, thankful she's finally asleep. I kiss the top of her head and slowly put her in the crib. I slowly back out of the nursery and almost make it to the stairs when I hear a soft little cry followed by another loud wail.
(***)
I throw the blanket off and immediately head to the nursery. Its almost eight am and Maddie has been waking up by 6:30 every morning. When I find the nursery empty, I head upstairs. Maddie must have cried for almost two hours last night before Deacon finally got her back to sleep.
I peak in through the open door and see both Deacon and Maddie are asleep. Deacon is in the middle of the bed, bare-chested and cradling Maddie on top of him. They are both are asleep and seem to be breathing in sync. I don't know how long I stare at them, but eventually I go find my digital camera and take several photos.. Then I just stare for another minute.
Deacon has been my best friend, my co-writer, my lover, my stage partner, and everything in between. But sharing a child, just adds a whole other dimension to our relationship. I slowly reach for the sheet and blankets and pull them back carefully. I don't want to wake either one of them. Then I inch over a little so I'm on the same pillow that Deacon is resting his head on. Maddie starts moving a little, almost like a little worm. I reach out with my pointer finger drag it up and down Maddie's back. Its the same action I've done to Deacon countless times over the her Daddy, Maddie finds it comforting and quits moving around.
I know Maddie is only a baby but she is already so much like Deacon. Last night excluded, Deacon nor Maddie complain when she's hungry or uncomfortable. They prefer quiet to being around a lot of people. Maddie gets excited when she hears a guitar; she'll throw her arms out in excitement as soon as she hears a guitar chord. But when she hears piano music, she gets calmer. She'll go to sleep when I play my piano for her and fights sleep when Deacon plays. They make the exact same sound when they yawn and neither one of them can sneeze just once. And lately they both practically drool when they see my boobs.
Deacon's voice interrupts my thoughts when he tells me "Good Morning, Beautiful." We just lay staring at each other for a few minutes before I wish him a, "Happy Christmas Eve." Deacon and I both wanted us to start our own traditions for Christmas. The two of spend the next twenty minutes talking about nothing at all. Eventually, Maddie stretches and starts to fuss as she wakes up. Deacon hands the baby to me and I start my morning ritual of kissing Maddie's face and hands. Maddie lets out another smile. I don't think there isn't sweeter in the whole wide world than my baby girl smiling.
While I feed Maddie against the pillows on the bed, Deacon lays beside of us and watches us. It isn't sexual but I swear its one of the most intimate things we've ever shared. Its like the entire world fades away and all that matters is the three of us. I love this feeling and stretch it out as long as I can but then my stomach starts growling. We get out of bed and dress Maddie in a festive red and white outfit.
Deacon and I are still in our pajamas while we make blueberry pancakes. Deacon makes the batter while Maddie and I look at our reflection in the bathroom mirror. Seeing her reflection, always makes her smile. Eventually, Maddie and I go check on her Daddy. His hand is in the blueberry bowl, eating them by the handful. I tease Deacon that he always eats the ingredients while he's cooking. He grabs another hand-full of berries and offers me some. Instead of reaching out my hand, I open my mouth slightly. He places the berry on my tongue and I swivel my tongue around her finger. He cocks an eyebrow and I just sweetly smile.
Deacon takes over baby duty while I flip the cakes and start the coffee pot. He's been so patient with me in the last few weeks and I know it hasn't been easy for him. It hasn't been easy for me either. First, just being around him makes me want to jump his bones. He's so sexy, always has been. I just needed a moment to catch my breath and reassure myself that I was not t just rushing into what I want as opposed to what is right.
I know now that we are both in the right place. We've been able to talk about things without it ending in a fight or a fight followed make up sex. We already making plans for what we want to do next Halloween and Thanksgiving. He is still taking his sobriety just as seriously now as he did six months ago.
When I yell out that breakfast is ready, Deacon and Maddie reappear. Deacon is wearing a Santa hat and Maddie has on a miniature version of the same hat. Deacon rolls his eyes as I make them stay where they are at so I can take a picture. After breakfast, Deacon gets dressed and heads to the library for a meeting.
While he is gone, Maddie and I wrap Deacon's presents and load the dishwasher. Then I roll a ball around the floor while Maddie watches me chase after it. I feed her and then she goes down easily. I assume she's still tired from staying up so long last night. I run back to my bedroom and jump in the shower. I forego my usual nude nursing bra to something I bought last week. Its black with lace along the sides. I put on the matching pair of underwear and put on a sweater dress. I figure it will be easy to get off.
Deacon should be on his way back by now. An hour and half later, I throw my head back in frustration as I hear Maddie start to wake up. Deacon walks through the door just as I get off the couch to get our daughter.
I ask Deacon where he's been. He quickly explains that one of the women that he normally sees at the morning meeting had a relapse. He doesn't tell me anything specific but I can tell he is upset. I tell him to sit on the couch while I go and get Maddie. The three of us spend the afternoon making cookies for Santa. They just happen to peanut butter, which are my favorite kind. Around dinner, Deacon asks why I seemed so weird when he got home.
I tell him that I'd been hoping we could start a new way of spending our two hours alone while Maddie napped, "A new tradition of sorts."
"What kinda tradition?" Deacon ask, as he blows a raspberry on Maddie's arm.
"Well you know how we normally eat lunch and then write some music..." I say shyly. Deacon says "Yeah" without really paying attention to me. I lean in to Deacon's ear and whisper what I hope will be our new lunch tradition. A second later, Deacon nearly drops Maddie when it sinks in what I've just told him.
(***)
I whistle as I walk back from the mailbox. It is late spring, the grass is a vibrant green. The azaleas have about a week longer of vibrant colors before they will begin to whither. The wind blows warm over my face and I hear the buzz of sprinklers watering the lawn. The wind whips through the air and off to the west there are dark clouds peaking over the treeline.
I fumble through the mail quickly. I don't have a lot of time left before my car is set to arrive. There is a letter with a return address of Louisville. That would be a thank you letter from the owner of the new radio station in Kentucky. There are a few pieces of junk mail, then an invitation to an opening of some new music exhibit at the Opry. Then my hand falls on a post card. The front is a picture of a tropical ocean scene.
I flip on the back and smile at the loopy handwriting. I recognize it as Rayna's penmanship. I pocket the small card as the car pulls up to the house. The driver puts my bags in the trunk and we set off for the airport. I pull out the post card and flip it over to the back. The message is simple:
"Having an amazing time. Maddie loves the water and hates the sand!" Love, The Claybournes.
A slow smile spreads across my face. The wedding was over a week ago, in my backyard. Lamar got one of his friends, a retired Judge, to do the ceremony. It was simple. Lamar walked Rayna down the aisle. I didn't feel sad or jealous. If anything I felt privileged that Rayna and Deacon allowed me to part of their day. Deacon played a song he wrote for Rayna and it made everyone but Lamar and Maddie cry. The song did cause Maddie to realize how close she was to her parents without having their attention.
That led to Maddie yelling a long string of "da-das". Eventually she got so loud that Deacon just picked her up from Tandy's arms and held her for the rest of the ceremony. I look up as the car slows. Rain is softly pouring outside and I can only imagine that the bottom will fall out soon.
I do hate flying but unfortunately business calls. As I board the plane, I meet with the pilot. He tells me that we may hit some bad weather. I just give him a firm handshake and assure him that we'll be fine. My last plane trip was nearly a year ago. It was to a rehab center outside of Colorado. I thought that I would never get to be a part of Rayna's life or my grandchild's life after telling Deacon the truth. Perhaps, I'll never tell her the truth. Being "Uncle Watty" to Maddie can be almost the same as being her grandfather. Besides, why would I tell her now? It would do nothing but cause a whole lot of hurt. The pilot tells comes over the intercom and warns me again about the storm we have to fly through.
But for once, I'm not concerned. The way I figure it, if we all made it through that last plane ride and everything that followed, a little bit of wind can't be so bad.