Chapter 10

Safe and Sound

He knew this. All of it. The stomping of feet around him, the feeling of binders around his wrists, the pounding of his heart and that icy lump of fear in the pit of his stomach. He remembered those things from the two times he had been captured by the Order and, most of all, he relived them in his nightmares. From the moment he had followed Finn out into the open and he had seen those soldiers, he had known that this couldn't end well and he recognized the pearly white of the soldiers' apparel just as Finn must have done.

Poe did his best to keep his breathing calm, as he was escorted down the shabby corridor by people dressed in white, now stained, uniforms. The black boots and gloves were certainly new, as well as the blasters which were strapped to the soldiers' backs. They weren't wearing armour like the Order's or the Empire's Stormtroopers, but the utility belt looked eerily familiar and the fact that their faces were concealed by shiny, oval and dome shaped white masks completed the picture. These men and women were employed by someone who either revelled in the Order's former supposed glory, or, which would be so much worse, people who were trying to uphold what was left of the Republic's most cunning enemy. The masks didn't resemble anything that might be a face, they were completely blank, just smooth, partly rounded screens, which didn't reveal who was staring out of them. The people marching in front, next to and behind him and Finn were obviously humanoid, muscular and well trained in what they were doing.

No, these people weren't employed by the First Order. The ship was obviously clean, but shabby and in no way as impressive as the First Order's Star Destroyers had been. All of this was familiar, but it wasn't the same. He had to remember that! Had to keep that in mind in order to keep his thoughts focused on the moment, but he couldn't. Finn was hurt. Poe saw him flinch every time one of the guards touched him and there was absolutely nothing Poe could do to help Finn. This feeling of helplessness was making breathing harder to do than it had ever been. It made every step he took towards the cell, to which the soldiers were undoubtedly leading them, excruciating. Just remembering what awaited them there, made cold sweat pour into his eyes. Those faceless people around him made his insides clench. It had been so long. So long since he had been a captive, since they had sentenced him to death, and he knew that he shouldn't be feeling this way now. He should be over it, but he wasn't. Far from it. This time he didn't have to worry about never seeing Finn again. This time, all he had to worry about was Finn being tortured and killed in front of his eyes, which was so much worse.

He couldn't even talk to Finn, who was walking in front of them, and who was separated from him by two Troopers. Poe couldn't help himself but call them anything else in his mind. Pressing his lips tightly together Poe looked down at his feet, at the worn, grey floor of the corridor. There was blood at the tip of his shoe and he knew that it must be Finn's.

What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he stop his hands from shaking? Why was he so terribly weak? So incredibly useless?

He knew why. Knew exactly what was wrong and why he was feeling this way. And it was his own fault. He had been weak once and had never managed to bring up the strength to fight his way out of this misery and now it was too late. The only thing he could to right now was to try his best and not lose his face.

During the war, things had been easier. He had never been captured again, had never seen another Stormtrooper up close again. Fighting the First Order in his X-Wing had been the only and most effective way he had been able to fight and that had come back to him fairly easily. This, however, was nearly impossible to bear. His feet imitated the steady rhythm, which was set by the Troopers, and he was unable to control anything around him, not even himself. He didn't dare close his eyes so as not to be forced to see the empty corridor, the masked men and women surrounding him, or Finn, who was hurt and out of reach. They would separate them, he was sure of that, and when they did, they'd question them. Again. And Poe knew from experience that he'd break. There was nothing he could tell them though. Nothing at all. He was nothing but an instructor now, Finn was a medic. They'd kill them before the day was out. They had seen too much, had been involved in what was going on on that planet and that must be enough for them to try and get rid of them as soon as possible. Poe was terrified at the thought that, back then, he had almost greeted the prospect of dying with a kind of defeated acceptance. Now everything was different. The war was over! This whole thing had been sprung at him out of the blue and there was so much he still needed to do! He needed Finn, their home, their family in his future and not some dark cell and then a strap around his neck after days of torture. His breathing quickened, as they went down a flight of stairs into circle shaped room lined with severral doors. Poe was roughly familiar with the ship's layout and it struck him as strange that he remembered so much of it at a time like this, when he could barely keep his legs from giving way underneath him. They were standing in front of the half dozen holding cells, which could be found in almost every Corellian freighter of this class and Poe felt a lump rise in his throat as the soldier to his right grabbed him by the arm.

Poe forced himself to keep his eyes on Finn, though he wished he didn't have to. Returning Finn's gaze, as he turned his head to look at him was the hardest thing he had ever done. He had to be strong, but he wasn't. He was everything but that. Barely able to breathe, he watched as one of the soldiers opened the door to a tiny cell, opened Finn's binders and pushed him inside. So this was it. The last time he'd see Finn and he couldn't speak. Couldn't even reach out to him. He held Finn's gaze and before he knew, it someone had removed his cuffs as well and he was shoved into the cell right after Finn. Poe stumbled, and, unable to break his fall, he crashed straight into Finn, who encircled him in his uninjured arm, even before the door shut behind them.

So they put them in the same cell. Let them wait for what was to come together and Poe felt his body tense as Finn pulled him closer. Not even this. He couldn't even take this embrace, which was meant to calm him down. In this setting it felt alien, strange even and he was shocked at his body's reaction to this touch which should have been familiar. He shut his eyes tight, tried to calm himself by breathing in Finn's scent, but the smell of burned flesh hit him like a bat to the head. He should be taking care of Finn now, but how could he, when he wasn't even able to hold his hands steady.

"I can't," he managed to croak, fighting the tears back down and wishing more than ever before that he could just curl up in Finn's embrace and try to forget the world. But he couldn't. Blinking he looked at the cell in which they had been locked up in. He felt the floor tremble beneath his feet as the ship's engines started to manoeuvre them out of the planet's orbit. This cell looked nothing like the one in which he had awaited his death sentence, but the smell was familiar. The smell of overly clean air, laden with disinfectant.

"Poe." For the first time in a very long time Poe felt this strange something creeping up on him. Like a power out of his control brushing up against his very soul, making him stand stock still.

Gasping Poe made to turn away from Finn. This was coming from him! Poe had never felt Finn like this before and this strange touch, which vanished as soon as their eyes met, made Poe tremble from head to foot. This was too familiar. Too strange. Too much like that interrogation aboard the Finalizer all those years ago. And all of a sudden it was gone. Finn had pulled back, but that feeling of wanting to be alone more than anything else, and needing all the support he could get at the same time, remained.

Had Finn asked what was going on, Poe would've been unable to provide him with a satisfactory answer. Incapable of making even the quietest of sounds, he slid down the wall and buried his face in his hands, trying desperately to block out the images. Images of shadowy imprints, of being stuck in a cell like this for weeks on end.

He felt Finn approach him again and before Poe fully realized what was happening, before he could make a conscious decision to open his arms and pull Finn towards him, he held up his hand in rejection and Finn backed off immediately with an almost inaudible sigh. The world around Poe had somehow gone fuzzy and out of focus, as if the struggle within him tried to separate him from this assault of memories.

Finn sat down a few feet away from him, but for all it was worth he could've been on the other side of the galaxy. Poe was frozen in place as images of a time long ago came flooding back, crashing into his mind like waves he couldn't resist. The man who looked strangely familiar pulling up his gloves to prepare for what was to come. The inside of the faceless mask belonging to the Stormtrooper, who had been sacrificed for Poe's rescue. Her body as they, Poe and his captor, put her into the body bag, so Poe could take her place and escape. The woman's face still haunted him, but today, as his mind slowly but surely slipped into darkness, he felt like she was standing behind him, breathing down his neck. Right next to her was Bendar, with that sneer on his lips, which had never vanished. Not even after he had set Poe free to make up for whatever he must have done to his brother.

It must have been about half an hour since Poe had sat down and ceased to move. Finn couldn't quite tell how much time had passed, but he kept his eyes fixated on a spot on the wall opposite. Poe obviously wanted to be left alone and the thought alone was enough to rob Finn of the ability to function normally. Poe wanted to be alone. Of course this had happened before, Poe slipping off into the bathroom to try and calm himself after another one of those frequent nightmares, Poe with that strangely vacant look in his eyes.

And there was nothing Finn could do to help. The pain in his arm was nothing in comparison to his need to stretch out his hand to try and comfort Poe, who was completely out of reach. We're in this together, Finn wanted to tell him. I know what's going on here. Let me help you. But Poe had rejected him with a determination, which had not only taken Finn by surprise, but which made him forget about the burning pain. Being pushed away by Poe was more than he could stand. More than he could take, but there was nothing he could do. Nothing at all, except to leave Poe alone. But just seeing Poe there, feeling this certain sense of desperation push towards him in a soundless cry of help made his insides clench in a painful knot. Trying to hold back, cost him all the strength he had, but he knew that Poe didn't want any physical contact and comfort, though it was obviously exactly what he needed.

Poe had hidden his face in his arms and Finn could see his body move as he breathed heavily. It was as if he was trying to breathe away what was eating away at him. With a sigh, Finn closed his eyes. If Poe wouldn't allow him to touch him, he might be more willing to give in to something else. Poe had pulled back the last time Finn had involuntarily tried to reach out to him with a strength he himself had neither been able to calculate nor control. Maybe, if he really tried, tried to focus and was more willing to control what he was doing, Poe would let him in. Swallowing down the knot in his throat, Finn leaned back against the wall and took a deep, shaky breath. He had never thought this time would come, had never expected this to happen, but now he had to accept the thing he had denied for so long. Rey's insistence on starting training had been easy enough to deny. He had never wanted the Force. It was he who had control of his life, he who decided his fate and not this strange thing, which, according to Rey, controlled the fate of every being in the galaxy. The Force was something he had never wanted to have. Having been controlled by the First Order all his life, experiencing freedom of choice for the first time after breaking free from the Order, had been among the most important things to happen to him in his life and he'd be damned if he gave it up willingly. If it were up to him, the Jedi could do whatever they wanted with their lives, but he didn't want to be part of what they were doing. He didn't want anything to do with their training methods. Being controlled by rules he had no power over was the last thing he wanted with his life. When Rey and Skywalker had first told him that he might very well be sensitive to the Force, Finn had been frightened out of his wits, but he had never, not for one second doubted that rejecting the Jedi path had been a bad idea. He saw no benefit in it for him. None at all. The only times he was more or less at peace with the idea of having this strangely intense connection with the Force were on Yavin 4, when he was close to that tree in Kes Dameron's backyard. It was as if the tree itself was pulling Finn towards him, and the more time Finn spent in the tree's vicinity, the more at peace and the more connected Finn felt with his surroundings, but never, not for one second had he ever thought of interfering with what and who was around him. Somehow today things had changed. When he had held Poe in his arm for just a brief second and Poe had been unable to respond. Without even thinking about it, he had reached out to his partner. For the first time in his life, he had touched someone not with his body, but with his mind, and it had scared him out of his wits to feel this intense feedback of something which was so utterly Poe, mixed with terror and angst. But maybe, with a bit of gentle prodding, this could turn out to be more. Maybe Poe could calm down a bit, if only he'd realize that Finn intended him no harm.

Finn forced himself to relax and remember that weird sense of tranquillity he felt around the Force tree. He had no idea if what he was doing was right, or if what he was trying to do here could even work. But it was the only thing he could think of doing. The first thing he felt was a sudden wave of pain, emanating from his arm. But this was nothing. He had been hurt much worse before and this wound, though it required medical attention, was nothing he couldn't handle. Pushing away this sensation, he gently started reaching out in the dark surrounding him. Seemingly far away from him, he perceived this strange source of warmth, which could only be Poe. Finn recognized it immediately as this raw essence, which consisted of everything Poe was. Generosity. Faith. Life. Anger. And most of all, and perhaps most importantly: Love. Love for justice, for freedom, for everything that was beautiful in this galaxy, for Finn...

The closer he approached however, the more this warmth seemed to retreat into itself, until, all of a sudden Finn felt Poe's fear like it was his own and, as irrational as it appeared to him, he didn't stop approaching it. Finn saw him. Saw that officer, whose face seemed familiar, even though he had never seen either him, or his brother, himself. It was as if he were looking at that face through Poe's eyes and he felt his own heart rate pick up. Finn felt the surges of pain, though they were nothing but memory, the fear, the shame and most of all, the loss of someone he had once loved so deeply all over again, the loss of Morap Bendar that he felt Poe's anguish rip and tear at his own heart. Most of all he felt Poe's guilt. Not guilt at betraying the Resistance, or its secrets, but guilt at feeling this way about Morap, that young man, whose face Finn had seen in some pictures both Poe and Kes Dameron still kept. Morap had been almost like a mirror image of Poe, Finn realized, as he gently pushed past those barriers, which Poe had erected around himself, and which came tumbling down as soon as Finn approached them now, almost as if Poe didn't want to keep them up anymore. As if showing Finn all of this was easier than telling him.

Morap's smile lit up his entire face. His voice had the ability to make Poe tremble from head to foot. The first time they had met, Finn saw for the first time, though he had heard the story before, had been in a cantina, before Poe's first day with his new squadron after he had finished his flight training. Finn felt how nervous Poe had been, heard every thought in Poe's head as if it were his own and when Poe's and Morap's lips touched for the first time, Finn couldn't even pull away, though he was sure, had he seen the kiss from a different perspective, he would have. As it was, he felt Poe's excitement, his happiness and the sudden, crushing sadness, as his mind rushed from that first kiss, over to other times he and Morap had shared together, to that horrific day on which Morap had lost his life in service to the Republic. And all of a sudden, Finn realized, though he had known it before, that Morap Bendar would have been the one to marry Poe one day, had he not died. Poe would most likely not have joined the Resistance, or have met Finn on that fateful day. He understood exactly why Poe had never shared this anguish with him. This fear of falling asleep and being forced to go through all of this again. The love, the loss, the pain, which had all come crashing down on him in one single stroke, when Poe had come face to face with Morap's brother.

Slowly, Finn withdrew, until he felt Poe's need for more. More comfort. More... anything and, without relinquishing his hold of Poe's mind, Finn moved his body closer to Poe's. The pain in his arm was gone. All of a sudden and without looking, he knew that the wound had closed somehow and he managed to put his arm around Poe's shoulders and pull him close.

I'll never let you go, Finn whispered without speaking, as he felt the Force expand around him and Poe. So this was what it meant to have the Force and let it control you. To let it help you and the people around you. The pain Poe felt didn't go away, but his light, his warmth didn't die either. The shadows, which lay over him, wouldn't kill either, Finn would see to it, even if Poe couldn't. All around them the world seemed to grow darker. Finn wasn't skilled enough to pick up what was going on outside their door, though he felt that there were hundreds of other souls onboard this ship.

You'll be alright. Somehow he knew that Poe could hear those words, feel them even, even if he couldn't respond. Pulling Poe closer, Finn brushed his lips against Poe's temple and it wasn't hard at all to keep Poe, who wasn't shaking anymore at least, and himself in this weird bubble, which was somehow apart from the war raging on outside.