As per usual, I do not own Twilight or any of the characters. I just like pretending that I do.

Authors Note: Hey guys, so this is a little earlier than I expected it to be. I'm leaving town for the weekend so I had to do this now. It's a pretty short chapter in comparison to the others, but I hope it will be just as satisfactory. Also, this is unbeta'd this week, so forgive any minor issues! Please enjoy :-)

Ch. 10: Drunken Confessions Are Sober Thoughts

BPOV

Life after the holidays was getting back to normal. It was a new normal for myself though. I was enjoying how intimate Edward and I had become. Though it was true that it was only making out, and that itself was pretty restrained as well. Ever since the New Years Eve lap incident, I'd avoided getting that close. We were both busy with school and I was busy with work and wedding planning. That's right, wedding planning. Alice's wedding to be exact. Jasper had proposed to her on New Years Day. That being said, she immediately asked Rose and I to be the bridesmaids, and Jasper had asked Emmett and Edward to be the groomsmen. They'd decided to get married on Valentine's Day, so that meant she had virtually no time to plan. But Alice being Alice could pull it off if anyone could, and she wasn't skimping on any of the details either.

Needless to say, Alice had organized many "meetings" at Emmett and Edward's place. At first I was annoyed, since wedding planning was so not my thing. But then I discovered it just meant my seeing Edward more.

"Earth to Bella!" Alice's voice rang out around me.

"What?" I asked dumbly.

"Bella there is no time to daydream! We are short on time here." She said in a panicked voice.

"Calm down Al, Bella tends to space out a lot. It's nothing new." Rose added with a smile.

"I'm sorry Alice, what was it that you said?" I asked shaking my head a little.

"I asked you if you thought the centerpieces for the tables should be red roses or pink roses?" She asked.

"Well maybe you should do a mix of red and white roses. I'm not an expert on this sort of stuff though so I'm really not the person to consult." I said apologetically.

"Actually I really like that idea Bella. Pink is so last year." Alice said as if it was obvious.

Just then Edward walked by the living, hands in his pockets. Our eyes met and he smiled warmly. My cheeks flushed and I bit my lip, trying to hold back a ridiculously big goofy grin. He walked by several more times in the next hour, Rose looking between us all the while.

"Is there something we can do for you Edward?" She finally asked with a smirk. He shook his head with a smile and retreated back up the stairs until there was the faint sound of his door closing.

"Dear Lord you two are sick." Rose said with amusement.

Alice was still very much involved in writing down details, so she had nothing to add.

"Get out of here Bella. You know you'd rather be somewhere else anyway." Rose pointed to the ceiling.

"Are you sure? I don't want to abandon you guys." I said, feeling guilty.

"Go, we've got this. Go!" She said with a playful nudge.

I exited the room and slowly ascended the stairs leading to Edward's bedroom. When I reached the door, I turned the knob and let myself inside. Edward was laying on his bed, hands propped behind his head casually. He looked very comfortable. I walked over to him and lifted one knee onto the bed.

"Hey, relaxing are you?" I asked, trying to reel in the goofy smile taking over my face.

"Just thinking about things." Edward said with a faint smile.

"Rose cut me loose, so I thought I'd just come up and say hi." I said timidly.

"Bella?" He asked.

"Yes Edward?"

"I've been thinking I want to try more things." Edward said, a crease forming between his brows.

"Like what?" Curiosity filled my voice as I spoke.

"What would you do for fun before you met me?" He asked.

I shrugged. Before Edward, my life had been pretty boring. I'd pretty much kept to myself most of the time except when going out to meet a guy. Occasionally I'd hit a college party, but even those just ended in a random hook up. It's not something I was proud of, which was why I didn't want to really talk about it with him.

"I guess sometimes I'd go to parties or a bar. But a lot of times I stayed home. I'm sort of a loner." I had sex for fun, want to try that?

"I want to go to one with you. A party. It's something I need to experience." Edward said in such a way, that seemed like he was trying to convince himself."Are you sure that's what you want? College parties can get pretty wild." I told him."Yes. I'm sure." He said with a nod.

The next night, we found ourselves in the Volvo on the way to a party. Emmett had told us that he knew one of the guys throwing it, and that we were welcome to come along. The party was at an old two story house a few miles from my place. As we walked in, the smell of cigarettes, beer, and sweaty people filled my nostrils. Somewhere in the room a stereo played loud rap music, with tipsy girls swaying to the familiar beat. It was a typical college party.

Just then a tall, leggy blonde made her way towards us. "Hi you look so familiar! Aren't you in one of my classes? I'm Tanya!" She said fluttering her fake eyelashes at Edward.

"Possibly. I'm not sure. I'm Edward and this is Bella." Edward said awkwardly.

Tanya's eyes ran over me and then firmly planted them back onto Edward.

"Nice to meet you Edward! Do you want to join me for a drink? I've got the good stuff!" Tanya said as she waved a silver flask back and forth. I rolled my eyes and grabbed Edward's hand, pulling him towards a doorway.

"Thanks but he's sort of busy with me! Have fun." I said in a sickly sweet voice. Behind us I heard Tanya huff loudly.

We entered into a kitchen and there we found Emmett with Rose in tow. He handed Edward and I a beer and we watched the others as they played beer pong. An hour later, I was a bit tipsy. I'd had a few beers, but I was pretty tolerant of my alcohol. Edward however, was drunk. I couldn't remember him having anymore than myself, but of course he'd never really drank before. I'd never seen him so outgoing or talkative. The whole time he kept a firm grip on my waist and I would be lying if I said that I wasn't enjoying it. For once, he was no different than anyone else and I could see that it effected him positively. Edward was one of the guys. He even played a few rounds of beer pong against Emmett.

We were having a great time, and so when someone shoved a red plastic cup into Edward's hand, we didn't question it. We should have though. Because after quickly drinking the liquid, Edward became extremely intoxicated. With eyes glazed over, he slurred my name.

"Mmm Blella?" He asked, pulling me into the front room as a new song started in the background.

"Yes Edward?"

"You're so pretttty."

Edward leaned closer to me, pulling my chin up with his fingers. An unfamiliar emotion filled his eyes as he softly planted his lips upon mine. His mouth became eager, and he kissed me passionately. I was hesitant at first, not wanting to take advantage of his state of mind. But the way his mouth moved with mine started a fire within me, and I felt myself pulling him even closer. I pulled his lower lip into my mouth and sucked on it. Edward moaned into my mouth and moved his lips down to my jaw. He moved down my neck and sucked gently. There was sure to be a mark left after that. The thought of it turned me on even more. I wanted him to mark me.

"Oh God, Edward." I said, forgetting about the people around us. Nearby I heard a click and then someone cleared their throat loudly. I reluctantly pulled away and looked around for the disturbance. Jacob Black stood a few feet away with his eyebrows raised.

"Hello Bella." He said clearly pissed off.

"Hi Jacob. Um what are you doing here?" I asked.

"I live here. Do you mind if I talk to you?" Jacob asked quickly.

"Uh sure. Edward I'll just be over there okay?" I said. He nodded, but I didn't miss the stare down happening between Edward and Jacob.

Jacob pulled me to a corner and then crossed his arms defensively.

"So that's the guy huh?"

"Look Jacob I'm sorry. I didn't know this was your house. We just came here with Emmett and…" He cut me off with the wave of his hand.

"Whoa wait, Emmett Cullen?" He asked with wide eyes. I nodded.

"Edward is Emmett's cousin isn't he." Jacob said, more as a statement than a question.

"Yes. Edward Cullen." I confirmed. Jacob started laughing hysterically, leaving me confused.

"Why is that funny Jacob?" I asked warily.

"You're dating the Amish guy? Are you serious?" He continued laughing.

"Yeah so what? Look I'm sorry that we came. I didn't mean to rub anything in your face." I was starting to get really pissed off. He was still laughing. Then abruptly he stopped. Jacob slapped his hand onto the wall beside my head, causing me to jump.

"Do you really think that he can give you everything you want Bella? Wouldn't you be happier with someone who can give you everything." Jacob said, his voice full of implications. He lowered his large body against mine, brushing his other hand down my side softly. I quickly moved away from him, my blood boiling hot.

When I got back to where Edward had been, he was gone. My eyes searched around the room until I looked over to a couch pushed against the wall and saw him sitting stiffly as Tanya moved her body provocatively in front of him. The bitch was totally giving him a lap dance. He looked uncomfortable as she crawled onto him and lifted her flask to his lips. My body moved at lightning speed across the room and yanked her off of him."Are you fucking kidding me right now?" I asked exasperated.

"You were occupied, he looked lonely. I was just showing him what it's like to have a real woman. I mean look at you, your body is nothing compared to mine." Her hands floated over her body with pride. I wanted to hit Tanya more than I'd ever wanted to hit anyone in that moment. I could have too, but instead I pulled a very drunk Edward off of the couch and led him to the front door. I supported him as we stumbled towards the Volvo, and took his keys from his back pocket.

There was no question of my sobriety at that point. Jacob and Tanya's actions had completely sobered me up. I drove us back to my place, craving the quiet and familiarity. Thoughts of Tanya's words echoed in my head. Your body is nothing compared to mine. I tried not to let the stupid insecurities take over. I would not let it happen.

Edward was slumped against the passenger window, humming an unknown tune. When we arrived at the apartment building, I ran around to the other side and helped Edward out. He leaned on me as we walked all the way to my door. Once inside, I led him over the bed and sat him down. His green eyes were so glassy and slightly bloodshot.

"Edward?" I called softly.

"You're so beautiful Blella." He said with a goofy smile. But then his eyes widened and I immediately recognized the look. He was about to hurl. I led him to the bathroom and he fell to his knees, heaving forward to the toilet. I stroked my fingers through his hair in comfort while he emptied his stomach. Poor Edward.

He finally stopped retching after a couple of minutes, and I led him back to the bed. Before laying him down, I removed his jacket and shoes. Not a sound came from either one of us as I lay down beside him. He rolled over to face me, and I reached out to push a stray lock of bronze hair from his face.

"Blella. I have a confession to make." He slurred.

"What is it?" I asked with a sigh.

"I sometimes think about you without clothing. Ever since that morning. I'm so sorry." Edward whispered.

"That's okay Edward. It doesn't bother me. Really."

"But it is inappropriate and lustful. I shouldn't…you deserve better." His voice cracked, and I knew he was so close to passing out. He took another deep breath, and looked straight into my eyes. They were surprisingly lucid. The intensity of his stare sent chills down my spine, and in that moment I felt like the only girl in the world. I closed my eyes and shook my head.

"It's not wrong Edward. To show someone you love them, it's not wrong." I breathed. He didn't answer me.

"Edward?" I asked quietly. My ears were met with the sound of his steady breathing, and his eyes had drifted shut.

"Goodnight, I love you Edward."

The next morning, I woke up stiff and aching. Sleeping on the couch had sounded like a good idea the night before, but my body protested that very thought. I could have slept on the bed, but I thought that it might freak Edward out a bit.

While I was making pancakes, Edward began to stir over on the bed. He sat up slowly and moaned, obviously in pain. His hair stuck out in every direction possible, it was sort of cute."Good morning sleepyhead." I said with a grin.

Edward responded by groaning and falling back to the bed. He mumbled a bit before sitting back up."I feel…I feel horrible." He croaked.

Biting back a laugh, I replied, "That's what a hangover feels like."

"I have no desire to ever feel this way again." Edward said as he moved from the bed towards the kitchen.

"Are you hungry? I have coffee and pancakes. It's pretty much the perfect food for a hangover." I said cheerfully. The look on his face told me that food sounded like a terrible idea. But after some assurance that it would make him feel better, he sat down at the table.

When he was halfway through his pancake, he looked up and it seemed like he wanted to say something. I wondered if he was thinking about the events from the night before, or if he even remember anything at all. I myself hadn't been able to stop the happenings from playing like a movie in my head. How sexy Edward had looked when the liquid confidence had taken over, the passionate kissing, Jacob's suggestive words, and Tanya's cruel words about my appearance. Then there were the things that Edward had said in his drunken state right before falling asleep. He hadn't said very much, but what he did say told me a lot about what was going on in his head. The things he'd been taught growing up, while some of the other youth in the Amish tradition ignored it, it stayed instilled deep within Edward. He was ashamed of the things he felt. And that in turn made me wonder if I was like his dirty little secret. The insecurities were planting themselves in my brain and I couldn't stop it. I was trying my hardest not to second guess everything.

"Bella, did anything…happen last night?" Edward asked timidly.

I thought about the passionate kiss and decided not to mention it.

"I slept on the couch. Nothing to worry about." I said forcing a smile. He nodded, and thankfully the conversation ended there.

oOoOoOo

The weeks passed by and it was only a week before the wedding. Alice was of course in full on freak out mode, but surprisingly decided on a day of relaxation, aka hell for me. She and Rose had planned a shopping excursion in Portland. I didn't understand the need to drive three hours away when Seattle offered more than enough choices. Though apparently I was wrong. We all stayed the night at Alice and Jasper's place since we'd be leaving very early in the morning. When the five o'clock alarm went off, I was dragged out of my sleeping bag and thrown into the bathroom by a blurry figure that resembled a pixie.

We left at promptly at six, and headed towards Portland, stopping only to pick up some breakfast at a café along the interstate. I texted Edward around ten, letting him know that we made it and were just about to head into some stores. He didn't answer at the time, but I figured he was still asleep. Finally around one the girls agreed to go to lunch. We chose a little pizza joint located next to the store we had just left. It was nice to be able to sit down a rest for awhile. I sighed in contentment as we sat down in the booth.

"So Alice, are you getting anxious for the big day?" I asked as I nudged her in the ribs.

"A little. But I'm more excited for the big night!" She said wiggling her eyebrows. We all laughed as the waiter brought our sodas out.

"I wonder when Emmett will propose to me." Rose said smiling dreamily.

"Eh I'm sure it'll be soon. You guys have been dating long enough anyway. Hell maybe you should propose to him!" I said laughing.

"What about you and Eddie boy? Think it'll ever get to that?" Rose prodded.

I shrugged, wishing I knew the answer. I didn't even know if he was staying for crying out loud.

"That reminds me! Can you guys believe his little Amish fiancée chick wrote him a letter? Honestly I'm dying to know what it says. Did he let you read it Bella?" Alice blurted.

"What? What letter?" My stomach dropped down to the floor.

"You didn't know?" Rose asked suspiciously.

"No I…this is the first time I'm hearing about it." I stuttered.

"Well apparently when he got it, he was upstairs in his room for hours afterwards." Alice told me. They both cast concerned glances at me.

"It's just a letter. It doesn't mean anything." I waved off their looks and put a smile on. I wouldn't let them see how much it truly did bother me. We polished off our tray of pizza and left to a little more shopping. When it was around three, Alice called it a day and proposed that we head back home. I breathed a sigh of relief and plopped into the car. My phone beeped to let me know that I had a text message. It was from Edward.

"Hey Bella. Has Alice killed you yet?" -E

"Nah, we're headed back now." -B

"Great. Hope you had fun. Will I see you tonight?" -E

"Sure, where at?" -B

"My place?" -E

"Okay, we should be back by six." -B

"Emmett and Carlisle are taking me to eat at five. Just meet me there?" -E

"Will do. See you then." -B

"I love you Bella. See you then." -E

I closed my phone while trying to swallow the huge lump in my throat. Worry and panic took over my body. What did that letter say? What could she possibly want? I needed to know and I needed to know soon.

When I arrived at Emmett and Edward's, I noticed that nobody else was there. It was quiet, too quiet for me. My exhaustion from the day was pulling me down, so I headed upstairs to lay down while waiting for Edward. His room was tidy as always, but his bed unmade. I lay down on top, inhaling his scent. It was pure Edward. Sighing, I happened to look over towards his desk. There lay a letter, obviously written on handmade paper. The print was neat and tidy and feminine. I picked it up knowing that I shouldn't read it but I couldn't help myself. I had to know.

My Dearest Edward,

I hope this letter finds you well. It's a relief to be able to write you finally. I won't elaborate on how I managed to get a hold of your address. Edward, I hope you are doing well, but at the same time I can't help but wish you were miserable. I want you to come back to your home. This is where you belong and your life is waiting for you. Things are as well as can be around here. Nothing has really happened, but that is why I am writing to you. My life is on hold here Edward. I'm waiting for you to return so that we can start our lives together. I live each day wondering if you'll ever come back, and it pains me. We all have that time in which we try and discover ourselves. But you have gone above and beyond, and I just cannot approve. Nobody here does. There are many things you could have tried here, with me. Don't you understand how many people you have hurt Edward? Everyday without you is empty, please come back so that we may do as we are supposed to. To live as man and wife, to have a family, and to live to serve God. Before you left, you told me that you'd be back within a year. You promised there would be no more waiting after that. Please do not break your promises Edward. God Bless,

Your Jessica

I dropped the letter and fell backward onto the bed. Squinting my eyes tight, I tried to forget the words that I had just read. You told me that you'd be back within a year. Edward had never planned to stay. He planned on going back to be with her. My heart clenched, and I couldn't stop the hot tears that fell from my eyes. Eventually I cried myself to sleep, but still not escaping the words that were seared into the inside of my eyelids. Your Jessica.

A/N: SO what did you think? We'll pick up where we left off in the next chapter. It should be posted around Thursday! Thanks for reading! Leave me a review please :)