Chapter 10: Content with Loneliness

Peeta arrived at his apartment after his meeting with Katniss, his fists still clenched so tightly that the nails dug into his palms. He refused to believe what she had said to him, but the look on her face made it harder and harder for him to think it was a lie.

The confusion and hurt that had consumed him since her departure the morning before were instantly replaced by anger. He paced the apartment, the memories of their night together continuing to haunt him.

Peeta finally made his way into his studio, glaring at the piano that had been the catalyst for this whole mess. On the bench was a small velvet box, holding the ring he had bought the day before. He must have placed it there as he searched the apartment for Katniss the previous morning.

Angrily, Peeta picked the box up off of the bench and stomped toward the kitchen. He stopped in front of the garbage can, pressed the foot pedal and watched the lid rise. He raised his own arm, ready to slam the box into the trash, hoping that his feelings for Katniss would follow the ring when he threw it into the garbage.

He brought his arm higher, clenched the box tighter, but couldn't bring himself to complete the task. Instead, he sighed in frustration and made his way into his bedroom, tossing the box into the drawer of his bedside table.

The next three weeks were torture, both emotionally and physically for Katniss. At every rehearsal, she spent so much energy trying to act normal in front of the cast and crew that it was slowly but surely adversely affecting her actual performance. She came home to the apartment each evening and went straight to bed, often forgetting to eat or even change her clothes.

Despite never explicitly revealing her complicated and short-lived relationship with Peeta to her two best friends, they knew Katniss well enough to suspect the source of her moping, though they weren't privy to the details or the specifics of it. After a week, her roommates were sufficiently worried that they felt the need to intervene.

Madge and Johanna entered her room, concern etched in the lines of their faces. At first, they were both quiet, as if unsure how to approach the subject.

Katniss lay in bed catatonic, failing to acknowledge the intrusion by her two best friends. Johanna, being her tough-love self, yanked the covers off of her. "Enough with the self-loathing. What's got you in such a rut?"

Katniss continued to stare blankly into space.

"You've been moping around the house all week," Johanna observed. "Why aren't you out 'grabbing bites' to eat with Peet—"

The look Katniss shot Johanna stopped her midsentence. Katniss did not want to talk or think about anything concerning him. She wanted to forget, and talking about it seemed counterintuitive to that goal.

Johanna looked over at Madge, her eyebrows raised. Neither of them was sure how to proceed, even now that they had elicited some kind of response from Katniss.

Madge sat down next to her on the bed and again broke the silence.

"You know, Peeta Mellark came into District One last week and bought a beautiful diamond ring."

A lump formed in Katniss' throat at the confirmation of Peeta's whereabouts when he left her that morning. She could also sense the burning stare that Johanna had directed at Madge.

"It actually might be quite a scandal," Madge continued, unfazed by Johanna's piercing gaze. "Because it seemed like he wasn't buying the ring for Delia Cartwright."

Katniss felt angry that Madge had even brought it up. "What Peeta Mellark does and does not buy is not my concern," she snapped rudely, hoping that her sour attitude would convince Madge to keep her mouth shut.

Ignoring Katniss' comment entirely, Madge pressed on. "Well, first of all, the ring was surprisingly simple. It was beautiful, no doubt, but definitely not what an extravagant Cartwright would be happy with in a diamond ring. No, it seemed like he was buying it for somebody with much more… subtle tastes. His good-looking friend even pointed it out, but Peeta ignored him. It struck me as kind of odd," Madge reasoned.

"Then there's the ring size," Madge continued. "It's actually well known within the gossip magazines that the delicate Miss Delia Cartwright has, and I quote, 'truck-a-saurus hands.' As many genetic lotteries as that girl has won, dainty hands is definitely not one of them."

Katniss groaned and threw her comforter back over her head. She was sick of hearing Madge talk about Delly and Peeta and engagement rings.

"Let me see your hand for a second."

Before Katniss could stop her, Madge grabbed her left hand and examined her ring finger. Katniss quickly snapped her hand back, hiding it under the covers. Madge seemed pleased, though.

"That's what I thought," she chuckled smugly as she stood up from the bed and walked out of the room. Johanna lingered behind a little longer, not speaking, but letting Katniss know in her own Johanna-way that she cared without needing to use words.

As much as she wanted to ignore Madge's observations, she could sense what her friend was implying. That the ring Peeta bought was meant for her. She silently considered the legitimacy of Madge's claims. She didn't think that Madge would make something like that up, but Madge was known for exaggerating facts and drawing her own wild conclusions.

Besides, Katniss was in no condition to think about things like marriage. Hell, she wasn't even able to think about love. And regardless of who the ring was for, she had slammed the door on any romantic relationship with Peeta during their confrontation at the coffee shop.

That was the way it had to be, she knew.

The opening night of the show was fast approaching, and her anxiety rose unabated now that her relationship with Peeta was no more. Peeta still stopped by the theater every few days to keep up with the progress of the show. Katniss knew he was not the kind of man to turn his back on his investments over some girl. It took everything she had to put on a brave face in front of him. She couldn't help but notice, however, that whenever it was her turn to sing Peeta would leave the theater, making a phone call or leaving early for the day.

She tried to not let it bother her; after all, this was what she wanted. Peeta needed to let her go. But, the strain began to find its way into Katniss' performance, and the ever-observant Seneca Crane made it clear that he was not pleased.

The day before opening night, he approached her with an ultimatum.

"Everdeen, I know this is your first time at this, but you haven't been yourself lately. I know that there is a certain level of nerves associated with your first show, but I can't risk the success of this entire production on your cold feet. If I do not see improvement by final rehearsal tomorrow, your understudy will be taking your place opening night."

The words rang in her head while she lay in bed that night, trying to get a good night's sleep before the big day. The anxiety just continued to rise as her body refused to relax; she knew sleep would not come to her that night, the way things were.

She needed to go somewhere to rid herself of her growing restlessness. She quickly dressed and flew out the door, heading in the direction of the theater.

Peeta had given up on trying to sleep. He had spent the past two hours tossing and turning in his sheets, mind racing.

There were a million things for him to think about.

First was the opening night the next day. The musical was his first real project, his first true responsibility within the family business, and he was not surprised by his level of anxiety over whether or not it, and by extension, he, would succeed.

Then there was Delly. She would be returning the next day, and he still hadn't figured out what he was going to do about their relationship. She was kind and understanding, and Peeta considered her to be a friend. And he knew what his mother expected from him. But he also knew he couldn't marry her; not after everything that had happened during the weeks she had been away.

He felt guilty for being dishonest with her; Delly deserved better than to have a man whose thoughts were constantly occupied by another woman. He also knew that his relationship with Delly would never compare to the short yet exhilarating time he had spent with Katniss.

Katniss. His thoughts always found their way back to her. Peeta knew he had to let her go, and he tried to remember the pain and anger he felt when she had so coldly rejected him weeks earlier. But inevitably, his mind would wander to their happier moments.

That first meal they shared, when she suddenly held his hand, and how they laughed until they cried. Her dazzling smile after she sang at his piano. The sound of his name escaping her lips as they made love.

He thought about what the next day would mean for her. Despite the way she had hurt him, he still wanted her to succeed. She was amazingly talented and he knew that her role in the show would provide her with so many more opportunities to show off and develop that talent.

Peeta knew that his mind would not allow him a minute of sleep, now that he had invited Katniss into his thoughts. He turned the bedside lamp on, opening the drawer of his end table to look for some sleeping pills. As he fumbled through the contents of the drawer looking for the plastic bottle, he froze as his hand caught a small velvet box.

Not even sleeping pills would have helped him find sleep after that discovery.

Peeta got out of bed and walked out of the living room to admire the view. He was still holding the box, eventually opening it to admire the ring inside. The ring he had hoped to give to Katniss one day.

Though she had only been here briefly, memories of her haunted his apartment like a ghost. He pictured her standing by the window, taking in the beautiful view. He imagined her fingers on the keys of the piano in his studio. There were mornings he would wake up and remember how it felt to see her sleeping next to him in his bed.

He needed to get out, needed to escape the thoughts of her. He walked back to his bedroom, placed the velvet box back on the bedside table, quickly dressed and walked out of his apartment.

Katniss arrived at the theater, making her way to the stage doors when she spotted the doorman leaving the building and pulling out his keys. She yelled to get his attention and ran towards him.

"Hey, Darius! Are you locking up?"

He looked up and smirked. "Crew just got done with some last minute prep for tomorrow. They just left and I was headed home."

"Do you think I could go in for a bit? I'm really anxious about tomorrow and I thought that maybe if I came by and practiced, it would help calm me down."

He raised his eyebrow at her. "Maybe for a kiss," he teased. Darius was known by the cast and crew to be an innocent flirt. Katniss rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, impatient. Darius chuckled.

"Fine, I'm going to the diner for a quick bite. I'll be back in an hour to lock up after you."

Katniss smiled and thanked him, darting inside and through the halls of the dressing rooms.

She made her way to the stage and played with the stage lights. During her breaks in the wings, she would often watch the technicians flipping switches on the control board. She flipped a couple of the handles, experimenting until she found a suitable lighting combination.

She walked out onto the stage and gazed into the empty theater. The lights were bright, too bright to see much of the audience, save for a few seats in the orchestra section. She took deep, cleansing breaths, trying to imagine a packed theater like the one that would be there the next evening.

Her anxiety diminished somewhat, but stubbornly refused to disappear. She saw the upright piano sitting downstage left, the piano where they would gather at the beginning of rehearsals to warm up together. She walked toward it and sat down, playing the introduction to her big solo. Perhaps if she practiced it would help calm her down.

She played and sang but the results still left her unsatisfied. Her voice was shaky, unsure. Frustrated, she abandoned practicing her solo and wracked her brain for any thoughts that might calm her fears.

She thought about all her friends - about Cinna and Johanna and Madge and even Professor Abernathy - all of whom this would have been impossible without. Their support and guidance over the past year were what helped keep Katniss moving, even as life tried its hardest to keep her down.

She thought about seeing Prim and even her mother, who were both planning on attending opening night. She hadn't seen either of them in months and she knew how excited they were to see her finally performing on the big stage.

She thought of her father, her hand unconsciously reaching for her necklace as she mused about how proud he would have been to know that Katniss was so close to fulfilling her dream.

Yet the thought of being so close to finally achieving everything she had worked for both invigorated and terrified her.

Again, Katniss started to panic; the thoughts of her friends and family were still not enough to overcome her mounting fears. She knew that if she couldn't relax, her performance in rehearsal would suffer and Seneca would more than likely replace her on opening night. Her anxiety rose and as a last resort, she let herself think about the blue eyes of Peeta Mellark for the first time in three weeks.

As he roamed the dark, nearly empty streets, Peeta didn't have a clue where he was headed, but his feet led him to a familiar place. He looked up at the marquee of the theater, bold letters touting opening night for their Les Miserables revival. He reached into his pockets and pulled out his keys; as a major investor in the show he was granted the privilege of keys to the theater.

Peeta unlocked the front doors into the lobby and stepped inside, expecting darkness and a deadening silence. Instead he saw a dim light shining through cracks of the doors to the theater. He wondered whether the stage crew was there completing any last minute tasks, but he knew that there was a rehearsal in the morning where they would finish the final touches, and it was surprisingly silent if they were doing any work with scenery or props. As his hand reached for the theater door, his question was answered.

It was her voice, the voice he had tried to avoid for the past three weeks.

A part of him wanted to run away. His subconscious had chased his memories of Katniss to the theater, yet he never expected to actually find her there. He wasn't sure if he was ready to face her, but her singing was like a magnet drawing him in. Without another thought, he grabbed the door handle.

Peeta Mellark had become Katniss' new crutch when she sang. His absence the past few weeks and her corresponding suffering performance quality confirmed that fact. After that day at the café, thinking about him had become too painful, but now it was the only thing keeping her from falling apart. She missed him, there was no doubt about that. She missed his friendship, his unwavering support, his corny sense of humor, his smile and lips and touch and—

Katniss stopped the thought in its tracks. She couldn't allow herself to think of Peeta like that anymore. She had given him up, had conceded victory to Delly who was a much more suitable match for him. A woman who was part of his world.

Part of his world. The phrase made her chuckle.

She brought her hands up to the piano, resting her fingers on the ivory keys, playing the familiar chords and singing a tune from her childhood.

What would I give, to live where you are?
What would I pay to stay here beside you?
What would I do to see you smiling at me?
Where would we walk? Where would we run,
If we could stay all day in the sun?
Just you and me, and I could be
Part of your world…

Her voice faded out softly, her tone melancholy. It was the best she had sung in the past three weeks. Her nerves finally calm, she took her fingers off the keyboard.

"Interesting song choice."

Her body jumped at the sudden intrusion, head snapping toward the source of the sound. There he was, Peeta, standing downstage left, watching her, his hands in his pockets. He approached her cautiously; as if he was afraid she would bolt at any second.

"Didn't realize Seneca had changed your solo for the show," he quipped, walking toward her. "What are you doing here, Katniss?"

"I…," she began, still trying to overcome the initial shock of his presence. "I couldn't sleep."

He stopped at the piano, leaning against the wood frame and crossing his arms. "Me neither. Nervous?" he asked.

Katniss nodded her head silently, trying her best to avoid his eyes.

"Want to talk about it?"

She stared at the keys of the piano in silence for a few moments until, suddenly, the doubts she was feeling spilled out of her.

"I don't know if I can do it," she admitted. "Opening night. I just…I don't know…"

Out of the corner of her eye she saw him place his forehead in his left hand, rubbing his temples in frustration. "Katniss, if this is about you thinking that I bought your spot in the show, please believe me. You belong on that stage tomorrow. You are the most talented person I know with the most beautiful voice I've ever heard. If you sing tomorrow like you just did now, you have nothing to worry about."

"It's not about that, Peeta," she assured him. "It's—I've thought about tomorrow, of being on Broadway, my entire life. Everything I've done has been to get me to that moment, of being on that stage. But what if it's not like how I dreamed it would be? I…" Her voice broke. "I can't handle another disappointment…"

Peeta moved closer and sat down next to her on the piano bench. She heard him sigh before he spoke. "I know you can't see yourself when you're performing, but I can't take my eyes off of you; no one can. You were meant to be in musical theater. It will be everything you ever dreamed of and more, I promise."

His words were comforting, yet there was still something that nagged at her. She stared at her hands nervously fidgeting in her lap. "I know it doesn't make any sense," she continued. "But that scares me just as much. What if it is everything I dreamed it would be? Then what do I do?"

And for the first time that night, she allowed herself the luxury of looking directly at Peeta.

He paused for a moment before smiling softly at her. "Then, you go out and find a new dream," he answered, as if it was the most obvious thing in the universe.

The idea seemed so simple, yet so alien to Katniss. She had lived her entire life as a victim of circumstances that she believed to be out of her control. To feel like she finally had a say in her future was empowering.

They sat on the bench, staring at each other in silence. Katniss drank him in, the realization of just how much she missed him sinking in and nestling in the pit of her stomach. He looked at her longingly but guardedly, as if afraid that she would hurt him again.

In that moment, she realized how exhausted she was. Exhausted from fighting their undeniable chemistry. Exhausted from pretending that she didn't care, of trying to convince herself that they shouldn't be together.

And at this hour, her nerves fraught already and with these thoughts bombarding her senses, she couldn't maintain her resolve any longer. Her body betrayed her resolution, leaning toward him, finding his lips with her own tentatively, then with growing urgency.

He was quick to return her affections, cupping her face, his mouth moving eagerly over hers. Suddenly, the longing she felt for him for the past three weeks manifested all at once, and all she wanted was to feel close to him. She closed the gap between them, pressing her upper body against his. He wrapped his arms around her torso while she gripped his shirt, using it to pull him closer.

She turned toward him, swinging her leg across his lap, resting her knees on either side of his hips, pulling herself up to straddle him on the piano bench. He parted her lips with his tongue, probing deep inside her mouth as his hands gripped her hips. She tangled her fingers in his hair, riding the wave of adrenaline that coursed through her veins. She broke the kiss, moving to press her lips on the corner of his mouth and to his cheek.

"Tell me you didn't mean what you said," Peeta breathed as she trailed her lips across his jaw line. She didn't respond with words, instead placing open-mouthed kisses down his neck toward his collarbone.

But he was persistent. He gripped her shoulders and gently pushed their bodies apart so he could look her in the eyes. "Katniss," he pleaded. "Tell me you didn't mean it."

And suddenly the spell was broken, her desire suspended, replaced again by doubt and insecurity and the sound of Mrs. Mellark's voice. The reality of their situation sunk in, the weight heavy on her chest.

She hesitated, squeezing her eyes shut and shaking her head. "I can't," she whispered, pushing herself off of him and planting her feet onto the floor. She turned her back to him, trying to fight off the tears that were building in her eyes.

Katniss heard Peeta rise from the bench and felt him standing behind her. He placed his hands on her shoulders. "Talk to me, Katniss," he begged. "There's something you're not telling me. I know you can feel that there's something special between us. After that night we spent together, and now this. Why do you keep running away from me? From us? "

Again she shook her head. She was confused and conflicted; angry with herself that she had wavered on the lie she had spent so much energy to build and maintain. Now she had complicated things further with her foolish actions.

But to her, the feelings she held for Peeta were still not enough to convince her that they could fix their seemingly hopeless predicament.

"I'm sorry," she choked out, shrugging him off and stepping away.

"What do you have to be sorry for?"

"This. Us. It won't work. I… I can't give you what you deserve, Peeta."

He moved around to stand in front of her, firmly grabbing her by the shoulders and imploring her to look at him. "What are you talking about?" he asked, his voice agitated. "Where is this all coming from? Tell me!"

Katniss turned her face away from him, her eyes still shut and fighting tears. She shook her head again, only wanting to get away from him, from the internal struggle between her head and her heart.

She broke away from his grasp, making her way for the exit. She burst into a sprint when she heard him shouting her name.

A/N: Thank you for reading! I know, three hard endings in a row, but stick around; it'll be worth it!

And, yes, I totally did have two Disney movie references in one chapter. I also have a very subtle reference to one of my favorite TV shows; if you can figure out what it is and what show it's from, then you will have a piece of my heart forever.

Thank you to katnissinme for her awesome beta work for this chapter; I honestly don't know what I would do without her.

Thanks for all the follows, favorites and reviews! Please leave a review and let me know what you thought of this chapter, or check out my tumblr, drmellark dot tumblr dot com, for story updates/progress and to ask any questions!