Wherein James continue to rebuild the intimacy they'd lost in their relationship.
Chapter rating: M (mild M)
When Rose woke up the next morning, she felt relaxed and well-rested. There was a delicious ache between her legs, reminding her of the activities she and James had gotten up to last night after their wonderful dinner out. Her chest felt warm with the memories of holding and being held by her soulmate as they made love for the first time in a long time.
Her belly coiled with the stirrings of desire as she recalled the feel of his fingers and mouth on her, bringing her to pleasure again and again. She'd been so relieved to feel her body responding enthusiastically to his touch; there had been many moments of panic over the last year that maybe her sex drive had withered up.
But now, lying in bed with the memories of their intimacy at the forefront of her mind, Rose wanted nothing more than to roll on top of James and make love with him again. A lazy, morning lovemaking session. They hadn't done that in months. A throbbing, anticipatory heat settled between her legs. She turned to cuddle into James's side but was met with cool sheets instead of a warm body.
Her heart fell as she opened her eyes and saw that she was alone in bed. Before she could be overwhelmed with disappointment, she saw an envelope on James's pillow. Curious, Rose sat up, letting the covers pool at her waist, and she picked up the envelope. A sticky note was attached to the front.
Good morning, my love! I'm just whipping up breakfast. Stay in bed. We'll eat in there. Haven't done breakfast in bed in a while.
Rose exhaled in relief, and she then turned her attention to the envelope. James had scrawled the words "My Wife, My Soulmate, My Love, My Rose" across the front of the envelope, and when she turned it over to open it, he'd written "for your eyes only" across the back flap. Smiling to herself, she opened the envelope and pulled out the lone piece of paper.
Things I Love About Our Relationship—Sexy Edition.
Rose's heart clenched in her chest as she read the title of the list he had made for her. She fondly thought back to the list of non-sexual moments James loved about their relationship that he'd given to her when she was struggling with postpartum depression after Sianin's birth. That seemed like such a long time ago.
She bit her lip and began to read his list.
1) The intimacy, being as close to you as possible. Holding you. You holding me. Our bodies pressed together. Our breath mingling in the same space. It's the most intoxicating thing in the world.
2) Knowing this is something only we share together. No one else gets as close to me as you do, and no one gets as close to you as I do. This is something that is ours and ours alone.
3) The beautiful vulnerability of it. Knowing I can trust you with my naked self, and you trust me the same way. It's so humbling, and I will cherish your trust in me for all time.
4) I love that I can make you feel good. Bringing you pleasure gives me pleasure.
5) It's so much fun to make love with you. It's not always this Big Serious Event like in the films we watch (I mean, sometimes it is, and those times are absolutely brilliant), but I love that we can laugh with each other in bed.
Rose smiled against her tears as she read through his list, and she giggled when she reached the end.
(And one more for luck!) 6) The euphemistic Netflix and chill. AKA, Netflix and fucking.
Rose laughed, remembering the conversation she'd had with James in the early stages of their relationship. She'd asked for an evening of Netflix and chill, their version of it, and after he'd popped the popcorn for their movie date, he'd said, "Why do they call it Netflix and chill anyway? Let's just call it what it is. Netflix and fucking. Because honestly, Rose, if someone says they want to chill, then you should just chill. Why that phrase ever gained popularity, I'll never know. Too confusing. Too much room for miscommunication or for the lines of consent to get blurred."
The sound of footsteps and dishes rattling pulled her back to the present. A moment later, James stepped into the room with their breakfast. He'd slipped on his silky black boxers from the night before, but otherwise hadn't bothered with clothes. His hair was mussed from sleep and her fingers, and she could see splotchy red marks across his neck. It had been a while since Rose had left a mark on him, and she felt a surge of possessiveness as she longed to do it again. They had a whole week to themselves, after all.
James had a broad smile on his face, but it slipped when he caught her gaze. Before Rose could ask what was wrong, she realized tears were still beaded on her eyelashes.
"Rose?" His brow pinched in worry as he rushed up to the bed and set their breakfast tray at the foot of the mattress before he scooted onto the bed beside her. "Everything all right?" He saw his list in her hands and his cheeks flushed pink. "I'm sorry. I thought that would be a good idea. You know, like the list I gave you years ago. And I thought you might like to know why I enjoy sex with you. Because I do. I enjoy it quite a lot and I didn't mean for that list to upset you, I…"
Rose reached over and pressed her fingertips to his lips to silence him.
"James, I'm not upset," she said. "These are happy tears."
James's shoulders sagged in relief, and a shy smile crossed his face. "All of those things are one-hundred percent true. It was quite hard to narrow it down, you know. And to articulate why I love sex with you. Well. Making love. It's never just sex with you, Rose."
A knot in her stomach that Rose hadn't wanted to acknowledge loosened. She hadn't lost her sex drive, and James still wanted her. She stretched up to press a kiss to his lips. She pulled back after a few seconds when her growling stomach reminded her of how famished she was, and that food was right in front of her.
"Thank you for this list, James," she said sincerely, knowing she was going to tape it to the back of her chifforobe door where her other list was hanging.
"You're welcome. I realized last night that a couple weeks ago, you'd said that you had fears of me being bored with you or our relationship or our sex life. And I need you to know, Rose, that I have never ever, not once, been bored or wanted something or someone else." His eyes were wide and earnest. "You are my one and only. You are the only person I want to wake up and fall asleep beside. You are the only person I ever want to make love with."
Rose smiled up at him, and she reached out to rest her hand on his forearm. She stroked his skin gently, enjoying the tickle of his arm hair against her fingertips, and said, "I know, James. I've always known, but, well, it was hard sometimes." Her voice trailed off as she shrugged.
"Yeah," he murmured.
His quiet agreement made Rose's heart clench in realization that he'd had the same fears as her.
"This list works in two directions, you know," Rose said. "Everything you've written here about why you love sex with me is why I love sex with you, too. The intimacy. Feeling you deep inside me. Holding you inside me. Knowing you're feeling good because of me. Knowing that you trust me to experience the ultimate moment of vulnerability and love with you. That you want me to see you like that. I can't begin to tell you how humbled I feel when you come inside me, James."
A gentle, pink blush crossed his cheeks as he smiled at her. He reached across and clasped their hands together. His hands were soft and warm, and Rose covered his hand with her other one, holding it tight between her palms.
She aligned their hands so her left hand hovered above his, and she splayed her fingers so her wedding and engagement rings sat beside his wedding band. The platinum metal wove gracefully around his fourth finger, the partner to her wedding band. James leaned over and brushed a kiss to her temple.
Still staring at the outward symbol of their marriage, she drew in a breath and said, "And while we've been struggling with it this time 'round, making love also led to our daughters. And that is one of the best things to come of our intimacy. We made two beautiful, incredible little humans while also showing each other how much we love each other."
James exhaled and said, "Yeah, that point was the first thing I thought of, honestly. But I was worried about making you sad. I didn't want to reduce our intimacy to only its ability for reproduction. Because there's so much more to our lovemaking than just baby-making. Even if we've lost sight of that recently."
Rose nodded, feeling a complicated mixture of sadness and love lodge a lump in her throat. She chose to focus on the latter at the moment.
"So, what did you make us for breakfast? I'm starved. Someone wore me out last night," she teased.
James giggled high in his throat, sounding so pleased with himself. He gave her fingers a squeeze before extricating his hand. Leaning forward, he grabbed the tray of food at the foot of the bed and hauled it closer.
"We've got a variety of options," he said, grabbing the teapot to pour them a cuppa. He made up their tea to their liking and scooted closer to Rose to wrap his arm around her waist. Her bare torso came into contact with his, making him shiver lightly. His fingers absently stroked the skin of her side as he picked up his fork and stabbed it through the communal pile of eggs.
"Let me focus on eating, then you can ravish me," Rose said, grabbing his hand at her side.
"Hmm?"
James glanced over at Rose and his mouth went dry when he saw how puckered her nipples were. She met his gaze, and her eyes were darker than they'd been a few minutes ago. His belly swooped deliciously as he realized he was turning her on. Warmth flared through his chest.
Hiding his smirk behind a bite of sausage, James let his hand rest at her hip. He kept his fingers still for a few minutes before he traced a slow line down the seam where her hip met her thigh, delighting in the fact that she was completely naked.
"James!"
"I know, isn't this breakfast delicious?" he asked innocently, making a loaded forkful of potatoes, eggs, and sausage.
Rose huffed but didn't say anything else.
He continued to stroke at her hip and thigh for a few more minutes, before he let his hand wander up her side. She sucked in a sharp breath and tensed beside him as his hand moved higher and higher until his fingertips ghosted across the side of her breast.
"Want the last piece of toast?" he murmured into her ear.
"N-no," she said breathlessly.
"What about the last sausage?" he asked, pivoting his upper body to put him at a better angle to press kisses across her shoulder. The pink marks he'd made on her neck last night were gone, unlike his own, and he very much wanted to make her skin flush red beneath his mouth again.
"No," she hummed, tilting her head to the side to give him better access. "At least not that sausage."
"Oh?" he asked, smirking. "Is there a different sausage that would better suit your tastes?"
Rose set her empty teacup on the tray then used her newly-free hand to rest her palm against the front of his boxers where he was beginning to harden. Heat throbbed low in his belly as she caressed him through the silky fabric.
He pivoted his body toward her and he cradled her cheek as he stole a kiss. His lips didn't linger, and he kissed his way down her jaw as his hand trailed down her throat and to her breasts.
"Is this okay?" he whispered against her neck.
She responded with a slow squeeze. He exhaled shakily as his hips jumped into her touch.
"More than. I wanted to ravish you when I woke up. But I think a tray is in our way."
James pressed one more kiss to her shoulder, sucking lightly and scraping his teeth against her skin, before he pulled back to get their platter out of their way. He set it on the floor beside the bed, then turned back to Rose. She was reclining on the bed, gloriously naked and so beautiful, and James quickly shimmied out of his boxers before he rolled on top of her and pressed her into the mattress.
oOoOo
Rose's period came the next morning, and for once, her disappointment wasn't because it meant she wasn't pregnant. She was enjoying sex again for the first time in months, and now they had to put the brakes on their newly-rekindled intimacy.
To her surprise, James didn't share her frustration.
"I didn't come to Scotland with you so we could shag for seven days straight," he assured her. "Besides, this is beyond your control. I'm never going to get upset with you for your bodily functions."
He'd kissed her and shooed her to the shower, able to see that her cramps were already horrid, while he told her he was going into town for a pain reliever.
While out, he also stopped at the cafe for a fancy coffee drink for himself and Rose and an assortment of muffins for them to have for breakfast. When he returned, Rose was just entering the kitchen.
"Ah ah, no need for tea," he said, holding up the takeaway mugs of coffee in his hand. "Your monthly treat, my love."
Rose frowned at him.
"But we knew I wasn't going to get pregnant this month."
James shrugged. "Well, no, but being on your period still sucks, regardless." He fiddled with the bag in his hand, wishing his fingers had something to do.
Rose smiled and stepped up to him to take the coffees from him. "Thank you. You're the best husband."
He preened, then stepped forward to paw through the bag of muffins, feeling famished. As he peeled the wrapper off the muffin, he contemplated what Rose had said regarding her monthly coffee delivery. She clearly thought he'd brought it to her because of the disappointment in the lack of pregnancy. But that wasn't the only reason. As he'd said, being on her period was no picnic, and he'd genuinely wanted to bring a coffee to her. She deserved a daily coffee treat, in his opinion, but that wasn't quite feasible. However, there were other ways he could show his affection. James vowed to take little opportunities to show Rose how loved she was by him, and to show her that he would always want to take care of her.
The rest of their time in Scotland passed by uneventfully. The rain continued endlessly, confining them to the house, but they made the best of it and passed their time playing games, watching movies, reading, and simply talking. They rarely had any more heavy conversations about their feelings, to James's relief. While he didn't mind sharing his hurt with Rose, it was exhausting to talk about his depression for too long.
Instead, they focused on the little intimacies of marriage. They made dinner together every night and delighted in being together. For too long, James had felt alone and hesitant with his relationship with Rose, and now he couldn't seem to stay away from her for more than a few minutes.
"I feel clingy and pathetic," he'd admitted to her when Rose joined him on the sofa for a Tolkien marathon.
"You're not," she assured. "Not unless I'm also clingy and pathetic." She tucked her arm around his waist and rested her head against his chest before she said, "I understand the feeling, though. It's like… we were so distant from each other, and now we're trying to make up for it. I dunno about you, but I've missed cuddling with you."
James agreed, and he tightened his hold around her, relishing having her in his arms.
oOoOo
Rose was subdued on their last day in Scotland, and while James tried not to pressure her to talk, he also didn't want them lapsing on the progress they'd made. So he surprised her with a picnic; it had finally stopped raining, and James thought a meal by the lake would be a good way for their holiday to come to an end.
"I'm worried about us," Rose finally admitted as they spread out a thick blanket across the damp ground.
"What about us?" he asked.
He sat down on the blanket then patted the space beside him. He was nervous for her response, and he wanted to just give a blasé remark about how they'd always be all right, but he swallowed it down. Ignoring that there was a problem led them to their current situation, and he would be damned if he made the same mistake twice. If he'd learned anything from their week, it was that he needed to remain completely honest and transparent with Rose, and to not dismiss or internalize how he was feeling.
She lowered herself to the ground and helped him unpack their lunch of turkey sandwiches. Once the food was out, she finally spoke again.
"We've come a long way… but it still feels fragile," she said carefully. "Like any moment we could be bad again, and I'm scared that going home and going back to our everyday lives will spoil it. Like with our anniversary."
James nodded. He had similar concerns, and it comforted him somewhat that Rose had them, too. He was glad that she didn't think they were magically fixed, because he felt like there was still quite a bit of healing to be done.
"I could always phone Dad," James said carefully. "Give ourselves a few more days alone."
"No," Rose sighed. "I'd only be postponing this feeling. Besides, I really miss Ainsley and Sianin."
"I do, too," he said. "But I feel the same way… I don't want to break the spell."
Rose leaned against him as she chewed her food. They ate in silence, watching the sun create gold-tipped ripples across the lake.
"We'll just have to work on staying good, then," James said quietly, resting his cheek against the top of her head.
"I never thought I would have to work on my relationship with you," Rose whispered sadly.
"Hey," he said gently, tilting her head up. He cradled her jaw in his palm, and slowly caressed her cheek with his thumb. "Relationships take work. So maybe ours never felt like it did, but maybe that's why things went so wrong. Eh? We trusted things to resolve themselves without work, but obviously that failed. So we need to put in extra work now to make up for the work we've been neglecting."
"We're gonna be okay, though, right?" she asked, leaning into his touch.
"Do you want us to be okay?"
Rose shook her head. "I want us to be great again."
James smiled, relieved. "I want that, too. We need to work together and start talking to each other again." He leaned down a pressed a kiss to her forehead. "We're already okay. Now that we've overcome the initial hardship, we can work towards being great."
Rose smiled up at him and tilted her head back to brush a kiss to his lips.
"I love you, James," she whispered.
"I love you, too."
After enjoying their picnic, they took a walk around the lake before heading back to the house.
"You know, whenever we want, this place can become ours," James said, gesturing vaguely as he cleaned the dishes from their lunch.
"It's a gorgeous house," Rose said, "but it feels too big for us. At least at the moment. Besides, do we really want to relocate the girls when they're already established in school?"
"Sianin's not," he pointed out.
"Do you want to move?" Rose asked curiously.
He shrugged. "I love our house. I love this house. It doesn't matter to me, either way. I was only bringing it up in case you never realized this place is ours as soon as we want it."
"Yeah, I kinda figured that out after listening to your grandmother tell everyone that we were gonna pop out so many kids that we'd need this big of a house," she said dryly.
James winced. "She never did have much tact." He bit his lip. "Did those comments ever bother you?"
Rose sighed. "At first? No. Because I figured we'd eventually have another child or two."
"How many kids did you foresee us having?" he asked. "Just out of curiosity."
"Dunno. More than two. Anyways, back to your first question. Those comments only really started to bother me after we began trying to get pregnant. And I know that nobody really knew we were trying for a baby, but it still hurt to listen to everyone say with such certainty that more kids were on the way for us."
James nodded. "Yeah. That upset me, too. I'm sorry, Rose."
"It's not your fault," she said with a shrug.
"I know, but I can still feel sorry that something upset you." He stepped up to her and wrapped his arms around her. She tucked her face into his chest and he absently traced circles against her lower back. "Can I ask you something? You can tell me you don't want to answer. But… do you think we'll ever be ready to try again for another baby? And if not… do you think we'll ever look into other options? We could get fertility treatments, or something."
"And have me become the next Octomum?" she laughed. "No thanks."
He stayed quiet, seeing if she would answer his original question.
"I'm not sure, James," she finally said. "I'm so burnt out. I feel so raw and empty inside, and I honestly don't think I'm emotionally stable enough to have a baby right now. Don't get me wrong; if we fell pregnant next month, I would love that child with everything I am. But I fear that it might set you and me back. A baby wouldn't be a quick fix for us."
"Yet you and I both thought it would be," he mused without accusation. "We thought that each month would be the month we'd get pregnant, and that would fix all of our problems."
"I think it would have seemed to have fixed our problems," Rose said. "I think we would've been caught up in the joy and relief. But we got ourselves into such bad habits, like not communicating and not having alone time. That would've carried through. I think we've forgotten how to be in love."
"No we haven't," James protested, refusing to believe he'd ever fallen out of love with his wife, or the more terrifying and heartbreaking idea that she'd fallen out of love with him.
Rose reached out and grabbed his hand. "I never stopped loving you," she said fiercely. "I will never stop loving you. But loving someone and being in love with them are two different things, James."
He still wanted to vehemently deny what she was saying, but there was a niggling feeling in the back of his head that said he couldn't argue.
"I never stopped loving you, either," he whispered, using their joined hands to pull her into his arms. "I… I don't like the idea that I stopped being in love with you, though. Or furthermore, that I was content with that. I want to be in love with you every single day for the rest of our lives."
"I want that, too," she said, nestling her cheek into his chest. "I guess we'll just have to… woo each other?"
James chuckled. "I suppose we will. Be prepared to be thoroughly wooed, Rose Tyler-McCrimmon. My moves might be a little rusty, but they're still there."
Rose giggled against his shirt. "Show me your moves, James."
"I will when you're least expecting it," he promised, kissing the top of her head. "Like the Spanish Inquisition! No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!"
Rose laughed again, and James smiled in return. He pressed a final kiss to her head and said, "Come. We were already hoping to be on the road by now."
They cleaned and tidied the house before they grabbed their suitcases and headed to the car. Once the car was packed, they did a final walk-through of the house to make sure all the lights were off and that they hadn't forgotten anything.
"Can I ask you something?" Rose asked as she watched James lock the front door.
"'Course," he said, jiggling the handle to make sure it was locked.
"This house was in your mum's family, right?" At James's nod, she asked, "Then why is it called the McCrimmon manor?"
James blinked at Rose in confusion, his brows knitting together. Understanding then dawned on his face.
"Rose, McCrimmon is my mum's name," he said softly. Now it was Rose's turn to stare at him in surprise. "Dad changed his name when they got married. There was no sentiment or pride for my dad in his last name."
Rose hadn't been told much about Robert's father, but she'd gleaned enough information over the years to know he was a drunk, and an angry one at that. Robert had left the house the day he turned eighteen and hadn't looked back since.
Her heart ached for her father-in-law. Despite all of the pain and heartache life had given to him over the years, he remained one of the kindest, gentlest souls she'd ever known.
It was well past the girls' bedtime when they pulled into their driveway, and yet the moment they stepped out of the car, the front door opened and Sianin bolted for them.
"Mummy! Daddy!"
She crashed into Rose's legs, nearly sending them both sprawling on the grass. Rose picked her daughter up, delighting in the way Sianin wrapped her arms and legs as tightly around her as she could. The warmth of her child seeped through her clothes, and Rose buried her nose into Sianin's silky hair.
"I missed you," Rose murmured, pressing kisses to Sianin's neck then cheek. "What are you doing awake, though?"
"Grandad said I could," Sianin answered. "Just this once."
"I hope you don't mind. They really wanted to stay up until you got home."
Rose looked up and saw Robert standing on the front porch with a drowsy Ainsley perched on his hip. She, obviously, had succumbed to sleep, unlike her sister.
When Ainsley saw them, she tapped Robert's chest until he set her on her feet. Rose was about to protest, seeing Ainsley's feet were bare and the night was cold, but her eldest jogged up to James, who swung her up into his arms mere seconds later.
Robert approached them and gathered the suitcases since both of their arms were occupied with their children. Once everyone was inside and out of the chilly night air, Robert gave all four of them a kiss on the cheek and took his leave. James and Rose then moved down the hall to tuck their kids into bed. Ainsley was half-asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow, and so they didn't linger. But Sianin was begging for bedtime stories.
Rose squeezed herself onto the edge of the mattress while James sat at the foot of the bed, massaging Sianin's feet through the blanket as he and Rose took turns reciting stories from memory.
"I like you at home," Sianin said sleepily as James and Rose told her it was time for her to sleep.
"We like being home," James answered, standing up from the bed before helping Rose scoot off the mattress. "Go to sleep now, darling. I love you very very much."
"Love you very very much," she repeated.
Rose leaned down and tucked the blankets into Sianin's sides, then kissed her daughter's forehead.
"Love you very very much, Mummy."
"I love you, too. Sweet dreams, Sianin."
"Sweet dreams."
James and Rose left the room, keeping the door open an inch before they grabbed their suitcases and moved to the bedroom. Too tired to unpack, they freshened up and crawled into bed.
But sleep didn't come easily. Rose's restless tossing and turning kept James up. He peeked at the clock when she changed positions yet again—just after midnight. He opened his mouth to ask what was wrong when she tossed the blankets off herself and stood. She tucked the blankets around him then left their room.
He gave her a few minutes before he went after her. He found her in the kitchen nursing a glass of water as she stared intently out the window. Leaning against the doorframe, he watched her for a minute but she was completely oblivious to him.
"Anything interesting going on outside?" he asked softly, taking a step towards her.
She jumped, then turned to face him.
"James. I didn't hear you." She then furrowed her brow. "Did I wake you?"
"Never fell asleep," he said. "You've been restless."
She frowned and ducked her head. "I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it," he said honestly. "D'you want to talk about what's bothering you? Or would you prefer to be alone?"
A tired smile crossed her face as she pulled a chair up beside her. "You're pretty good company."
"I'm honored," he said dryly.
He sat down beside her and threaded his fingers through hers. They sat in silence for a few minutes, and James could practically hear Rose's mind working.
Finally, she gave his fingers a squeeze and she said, "I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow."
James frowned. That wasn't at all what he expected her to say.
"Oh?"
She sighed. "Yeah. I regret accepting the promotion. I feel like all I do is go to meetings and schedule appointments for clients."
James was silent, not sure what to say.
"I miss photography," she whispered. "I miss holing up in my office and drawing on my tablet."
He rubbed his thumb across her knuckles.
"How long have you felt like this?" he asked.
"How long have I been in this new position?" she joked weakly, but her smile didn't reach her eyes.
His heart ached for her.
"What do you want to do?" She shrugged and leaned her head against his shoulder. James sensed she'd already come to a conclusion but was nervous to say it. So he tried to gently guide her there. "Can you maybe go back to your old position?"
"No, there aren't any spots available," Rose answered.
"Could you do a swapsies? One of them takes your job and you go back to being an artist?"
"No," Rose said again. "No one on my team has enough experience. Most of them are fresh out of uni."
James pressed his tongue to the back of his teeth. If that wasn't the solution Rose had reached… An idea occurred to him. "You could always leave." Rose shrugged once more, but stayed quiet, and James knew he'd honed in on her true feelings. "You could. Money isn't an issue."
"What am I supposed to do, though? Sit around? Become a housewife? Cook and clean for my husband and take care of the kids?"
"Of course not," James said patiently. "Obviously if that's what you want to do, then by all means, do it. But make sure you let me take care of the kids, too, eh? I love taking care of them."
"I know. I love you for that," Rose answered, tilting her head up so she could look at him.
James smiled and leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead. "You could do anything you wanted. You could take time for yourself. You've so rarely had that. I never see you taking photographs or drawing or painting anymore at home. You could get back to it."
"I want to repaint some rooms in the house," Rose mused, her voice soft. "We haven't done anything since we moved. Except the kids' rooms. Even then, it's still the same colors as when they were babies." James nodded, and before he could say anything, Rose continued, "I've been wanting to get back to my art. But work would always make me so tired, then when I got home, I wanted to spend time with the kids. And… and I haven't felt particularly inspired, lately. Whenever I would try, I would end up staring at a blank sheet and feel… empty."
James frowned and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He should have noticed Rose's interest in art had disappeared. He should have realized that something was wrong. She hadn't drawn anything in months. That should have been his first clue that she was struggling emotionally.
"I'm sorry," he murmured.
"Me too." Rose heaved a great sigh. "What if the job gets better though? What if I get better at it and figure out how to balance the meetings and delegations to leave time for myself to take assignments? What if I'm quitting too soon?"
James didn't think that was the case, but he also didn't want to push Rose into making a decision she wasn't sure about.
"I think you have one of the best time-management skills of anyone I've ever met," he said carefully. "It's one of the things I love about you. You know what needs to be done and by what deadline. When the kids were born, you had their feeding and sleeping schedules down to a science and could keep track of how it changed as they grew. Me? I was bumbling around trying to remember the last time we'd fed them or how long they'd been awake."
"You're better than you give yourself credit for," Rose interrupted.
"Just accept my compliment," James said dryly, pinching her waist lightly. He beamed at her giggle. "Anyway… you took a couple weeks to adapt to the schedule of your new job, but you mastered it. And honestly, Rose… I don't know what else you can do. Apart from getting there earlier and staying later. Which you already do."
Rose sighed and James felt her slump against him.
"It feels like I'm failing," she mumbled. "Like everybody swore I was the perfect person for this job, but now I'm proving I can't do it."
"That's not it at all," James argued. "I think this job has morphed into something it wasn't supposed to be. You were supposed to still be able to take about half the number of assignments as before. But how many do you actually have time for?"
"A quarter," she answered. "In a good week."
James squeezed her shoulders. "You do your job well. But if it's not something that brings you enjoyment, then maybe it's time to find something else. I want you to love what you do, Rose. And you've been unhappy for a very long time. Part of it was the struggles we're going through. But you've been unhappy with your work, and that breaks my heart because I know how much you loved what you used to do."
They dissolved into silence for many long minutes, broken only by the occasional yawn from James. After a particularly long one, Rose squeezed his hand and pressed a kiss to his cheek.
"Thank you for talking with me," she murmured, "but you're tired. Go on to bed."
"I can sit here with you for a bit longer if you want."
Rose knew he would, too. But he looked exhausted, and there was no sense in both of them going without sleep. She kissed his cheek again and said, "I appreciate it, but I'll be fine. I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight, I think. I don't want to keep you up."
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"Yeah. Go to bed, love."
James reluctantly stood, and he leaned down to press soft kisses to her lips. "I love you. Try not to stay up too much longer."
Rose nodded, then watched him retreat from the kitchen.
She slept fitfully on the sofa that night, hardly able to stay asleep for more than an hour at a time. When the sky outside began to lighten, she heard the floor squeak as someone walked down the hall.
"Rose, love, your alarm went off." James crouched down beside her on the couch, looking about as well-rested as she felt.
"I'm sorry I kept you up last night," she said through a yawn, sitting up on the sofa. "And that I left my phone in our room."
James shook his head and stood. "No need to apologize. How are you feeling?"
"Exhausted. But I think I know what I wanna do."
oOoOo
Rose met with her boss that afternoon and told Lindsey of her decision to quit. Wanting to ensure a smooth transition to a new manager, Rose decided to stay until the end of April. But the knowledge that the end was in sight took an enormous weight off of her shoulders, and she found herself feeling lighter than she had in months.
With the stress of work dwindling, Rose found herself with more energy and enthusiasm, which she put into her relationship with James. Since returning from Scotland, she was relieved that they hadn't regressed, but things were still a little stiff and awkward, and they'd yet to be intimate again.
The weekend after they returned to Scotland, Rose awoke early needing the loo. After she relieved her bladder and began going through her normal morning routine, she tried to think of something special she could do for James. They couldn't go on a date night, not without having planned for child care. Maybe make him a special dinner?
But as she was half way through brushing her teeth, she paused. It was barely six-thirty in the morning. She hadn't heard the girls moving around yet. It was a Saturday; there was no reason for her to be up and about yet.
She finished cleaning her teeth then walked into their bedroom and crawled back into bed. James was still fast asleep, though he rolled towards her as she settled in beside him. She opened her arm for him and urged him to cuddle up beside her, while also urging him to keep sleeping.
He hummed in his half-sleeping state and nuzzled closer to her chest.
This is nice, she thought. They hadn't done this in far too long—having a lazy cuddle in bed. Usually they were up and starting their morning and tending to their children as soon as they awoke. Rose hadn't realized how starved she'd been of non-sexual intimacy with James. Maybe this was step one? Just taking a few minutes to hold each other before starting their day.
After about fifteen minutes, she heard the girls moving around. She kept her ears open—it was amazing how much trouble an almost-four-year-old and a seven-year-old could get into in a short amount of time—but she heard the television turn on and quiet voices, so she figured they were fine for now.
James heard them though, and he let out a soft grunt and arched his back. His forehead knocked into her chin, and he squeaked and glanced up.
"Morning, sleepyhead," she whispered, brushing his hair back from his forehead.
A soft, sleepy smile stole over his lips. He lifted himself up to brush a kiss to her lips.
"Morning," he murmured against her mouth, and he pressed another kiss to her lips. "Mmm… minty?"
"Yeah, got up and brushed my teeth, then decided I wanted a cuddle," she answered, rolling onto her side to rest her head beside his on his pillow.
He hummed happily and reached out to slip his leg between hers.
"I like cuddling," he said, nuzzling into her breasts.
"I never noticed," she teased lightly.
He snorted into her skin and let out a content sigh. "So what's on the docket today?"
"Dunno. Get up, get the kids fed… And that's as far as I got. Your turn."
"Get a shower," he added, and he looked up at her expectantly.
She frowned in thought. "Oh, we need a few groceries."
"Pack up the kids into the car."
"Oi, that's cheating. That's implied with 'get groceries'!" she protested.
"Nope, your way would have us walking," he said with that boyish grin she loved.
"Cheater," she said again. "Okay, pack up the kids after getting groceries."
"Drive home."
"Put away the groceries," she said smugly.
"Damn. Ehm… do we need to run any other errands?" he asked. "Have we got everything ready for Sianin's birthday party tomorrow?"
"I don't think there are other errands, and yes, we've got everything we need for her party."
"What's the weather for the day? Can we do anything outside?"
Rose reached behind him for his phone and opened up the weather app.
"Nah, rainy and cold," she said. "And Ainsley's been fighting that cold. Best stay in today."
"Right. An afternoon of Snakes and Ladders and a moaning Ainsley it is, then," he concluded.
Rose laughed. "We can introduce them to new games. Or watch a film. Or color. Or do a puzzle. Loads of things to do."
"And make something for supper. Though that will probably depend on the food we pick up."
"Yep, and after supper, and bath time, and bedtime…" Rose paused and trailed her fingernails down his chest. "Maybe you and I could retire to our room early? Maybe get in the tub? Have a bit of alone time?"
James shivered and his eyes darkened.
"Yeah," he rasped. "Yeah, that sounds great."
Rose leaned down and caught his lips in a kiss. He cradled the back of her head in his palm as he deepened the kiss. The anticipation for potential intimacy that night made the kiss sweeter, and James was about to roll on top of Rose when they heard a shout from the living room.
"I don't wanna watch this! It's stupid!"
He laughed and rested his forehead against hers. "I think that's our cue to get up."
"I think so," Rose concluded.
He pecked a parting kiss to her lips before he rolled out of bed.
"I'll go diffuse the situation while you shower," he said.
James was able to appease the girls fairly easily, especially once he promised them their breakfast food of choice, and after Rose was out of the shower, he hopped in to prepare for the day.
All day, James and Rose were excited for their evening. They wondered if the night would end with them making love; they hoped it would, but they didn't want to assume.
But when they got into the tub with a shared glass of wine, there was no hiding how interested they were in making love that night. They soaked in the hot water and teased each other with gentle touches and caresses until they couldn't bear the tension any longer, and they dried off and headed to bed where they joined together for a mutually satisfying lovemaking session.
"Tonight was brilliant," James breathed in her ear as he curled into her side.
"Yeah it was," she said, absently stroking her fingertips the wrong way through his arm hair. "We should do this again sometime."
"Tomorrow?" he said, half-teasing.
Rose giggled. "Maybe not tomorrow. But soon."
James hummed in agreement and nuzzled further into her neck. They were quiet for a few minutes before he spoke.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Of course."
"You said you felt ambivalent about sex because you felt the pressure to conceive. Which makes sense when you were ovulating. But… I don't mean to sound insensitive, but there was no chance of making a baby outside of your ovulation cycle."
James trailed off, and after he'd been silent for several long seconds, Rose asked, "So why did I not want to have sex when I wasn't ovulating?"
He nodded, and kept his face tucked into her hair, knowing she often felt more comfortable sharing with him when he wasn't staring at her. He traced his fingertips up and down her belly, making circles around her breasts just to watch goosebumps form across her skin.
"Because you were fertile," Rose finally murmured. "And I wasn't. I was painfully aware of my body's shortcomings. Making love outside of my ovulation cycle reminded me of how sparingly fertile I am, and also that you had sperm ready to go while I had nothing."
James's heart shattered. He stopped drawing lines across her torso and instead wrapped his arm around her ribs and held her tight.
"That was why you often wanted to focus on me," James whispered into her skin.
"Yeah. It was hard to get turned on when those thoughts were bouncing around in my head," Rose said. "And it gutted me every time I saw your face when you realized I didn't come when we made love. So I tried to get you off in other ways."
"Can I ask something else?" At her nod, James said, "How many times did you fake your orgasm?"
"Only once," she answered. "I hated how it made me feel, and I hated the way your face crumpled when you realized it. I'm so sorry I did that to you."
"I forgive you," he said, giving her a reassuring squeeze. "I'm sorry I didn't stop to think why you didn't want to make love."
"I forgive you, too. No more secrets though, right?"
"Right." He turned his head and pressed a kiss to the top of her breast. "Thank you for telling me all of this." He kissed her breast again and smirked when he heard her let out a long, low hum. He moved his mouth lower and lower until he could take her nipple into his mouth.
"Wanna go again?" he mumbled around her flesh.
"Yeah."
They both shuffled until they were lying on their sides, facing each other. Their legs were twined, their front halves smooshed together as they shared lazy kisses as their fingers brushed against any part of each other they could reach.
When the tension grew to be too much, James hiked her thigh over his hip and slid into her slowly, so slowly. He shuddered as he was fully sheathed, and he delighted in her little gasps as he filled her. When she arched her hips against his, he began to move.
They rocked together, grinding rather than thrusting, as they simmered in the love and pleasure they were creating. He held her body close to his, trying to rub his pelvis against hers to give her more friction, as he caught her lips in unhurried kisses.
Their release built gradually and took them both by surprise. Rose went first, with a choked whimper in his ear as her hand clutched at his bum to pull him closer. The sounds of her pleasure sent him over the edge too, and he arched into her as deeply as he could.
They stayed tangled together, holding each other in their intimate embrace long after their orgasms subsided. James traced random patterns onto her backside as Rose's fingernails lightly scraped up and down his spine.
"I love this position," he mumbled sleepily. His forehead rested against hers and he nuzzled her nose gently. "It's one of my favorites."
Rose breathed out a laugh. "You say that about every position."
"Well, it's true. I love all the ways we make love. And my favorite often depends on my mood. When I'm particularly randy, for instance, taking you from behind is one of my favorites."
"And tonight?"
"Tonight I wanted something soft and tender, and holding you like this certainly fits the bill." He let out a sated sigh and hugged her tight. "I love you, Rose."
"I love you, too, James." They were quiet for a few moments, content to listen to each other breathe, before Rose murmured, "I wonder if you could actually rank your top positions."
Her tone told him she was mindlessly musing, and didn't actually expect an answer, but James's mind kicked into gear.
"Maybe I'll make you a list," he said, making his tone mirror one of speculative indifference as he pressed a long kiss to her lips and moved so they could clean up.
When Rose awoke the following morning, a sheet of paper was folded up on James's pillow. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she sat up and opened up the paper, grinning at the list she saw. James had written down every single position they'd ever tried over the course of their intimacy. All of them had a number one scrawled beside it.
I'd love to know your thoughts on the chapter!