January 2015
"so let's press undo.
rearrange the old and call it new-
january white."
The first thing Holly could register was an absolute pounding in her head.
It was sharp and all encompassing, completely flooding her senses.
And it hurt like bloody hell.
She could feel it before she opened her eyes, maybe before she was even awake.
When Holly finally did open her eyes, prying her sluggish lids apart slowly and painfully, she could barely make out anything in the room; it was nearly completely dark. What she could see of the curtains from a slip of light creeping through the edge was not familiar at all. It took a few blinks and a glimpse of the telephone on the nearby nightstand for realization to dawn.
She was in her hotel.
In London.
Right.
It was a really nice hotel too, and expensive at that. She was in a suite more extravagant than she would normally spring for. Lisa had made the reservation, but the trip was Rachel's idea. It was partially to celebrate Holly's birthday, since she hadn't been home, partially just for fun. The three of them landed in London in time to celebrate the New Year, and then they'd go to Oxford for a week before Holly had to start work again.
It was all starting to come back.
That New Year's Eve party Lisa had taken them too.
Those tequila shots Holly had ordered for them.
That woman she had danced with.
The flute after flute after flute of champagne.
How that woman she had danced with was next to her in bed.
Yeah, it was all coming...back...up, especially the alcohol.
Holly scrambled out from under the sheets, tripping as she made a mad dash for the bathroom.
"This is so not what I signed up for." Lisa popped three ibuprofen into her mouth before taking a long pull from one of the hotel's complimentary water bottles.
Rachel fixed her with a harsh glare before turning her attention back to the coffee maker.
"I'm just saying," Lisa continued in an agitated whisper, lowering her voice in response to Rachel's warning look but not backing down, "this trip was supposed to be about fun, and right now nobody is having any." Lisa hopped up onto the counter to wait out the coffee maker. "I mean, if hooking up with a chick like that throws her into a tailspin, then I really don't know what we're supposed to do."
This was not at all how Lisa envisioned ringing in the new year. Up until this morning everything was fine, that is until Rachel woke her up at eight o'clock in the morning.
"Okay, look," Rachel returned the phone receiver to it's cradle; ordering room service could wait. "You've got until that pot fills up to get your insensitive, unapologetic, remarks out and then you're done. Holly's clearly going through something right now and we've got to be there for her. It obviously wasn't about the girl from last night, you idiot-"
"Ow!" Lisa hissed after Rachel flicked her knee.
"And if you need me to remind you how much of a saint Holly was that winter then I will, but I know you don't like talking about it." Rachel paused, fixing Lisa with a stern look, just a little remorse shining in her eyes. "So get it out of your system," she continued, "because once she gets out of the shower you are to be appropriate comedic relief only. Plus, the faster we cheer her up the faster you can get back to having 'fun.' So, let's hear it." Rachel opened up her stance expectantly, waiting for whatever Lisa was going to dish out.
Lisa's eyes flitted to the ceiling and she raised her chin, "well now you've torpedoed the mood."
Rachel turned back to the telephone with a satisfied smirk.
"I don't get it though," Lisa started back up as soon as Rachel ended the call, "because did you see her? I mean, damn, happy New Year, Holly!"
Rachel took out three mugs and set them down on the counter, "like I said, it's not about her, and her name was Hillary."
"Hillary and Holly?" Lisa wrinkled her nose and grabbed a granola bar out of the basket sitting next to her on the counter, quickly taring open the package.
"That's probably like twelve euros!"
"I'll pay for it," Lisa dismissed Rachel's concerns quickly, "if I don't eat right now I'm going to die."
"Did she mention anything to you? Did anything happen over Christmas?" Rachel tapped anxiously on the coffee maker, willing it to brew faster. Lisa wasn't the only with a hangover.
Lisa shook her head and continued to chew. "Do you really think this is about the cop?"
"I don't know," Rachel shrugged, "Holly loved her."
"Holly doesn't fall in love," Lisa dismissed the notion quickly with a laugh and a quick shake of her head.
"That's the point."
"I'm really too hungover to have this conversation." Lisa dropped her head into her hands, "actually, I'm pretty sure I'm still drunk."
The three of them sat quietly, Holly's words hanging low in the air. She was tucked into the corner of the couch with her knees pulled into her chest. Her hair hung loose down her shoulders, still drying from her shower. Holly quickly took another bite from the strip of bacon she held between her fingers; she needed something to do, something to focus on, and chewing would have to do.
Rachel swallowed the melon she had been chewing, trying to sift through what her friend was telling her while also trying to form a plan for traversing this newfound silence. She could really go for another sip of coffee but she didn't want to unintentionally poo-poo this moment.
Lisa sat with her back leaning up against one of the armchairs, her legs stretched under the coffee table. She ripped off another piece of her croissant and topped it with jam before popping it into her mouth.
Poor Holly. She and Rachel were obviously tip toeing through this moment, but wasn't that exactly what it tense and awkward? The fact that Rachel couldn't even bring herself to take another bite of her food, and how Holly couldn't look away from her knees?
Lisa tipped her head back onto the seat of the armchair, closing her eyes.
Moments went by silently. Only the gentle hum of the heater filled the air.
Suddenly Lisa's head snaps up and she's surveying Holly with an inquisitive mix of scrutiny and compassion. "Oh, no, sweetie," she says softly disbelief and realization coloring her tone.
Rachel tried to catch Lisa's eye, but wouldn't so much as glance at her as she pushed to standing and went to sit down next to Holly on the couch.
Lisa had been on her best behavior after Rachel's stern talking to and a cup and a half of coffee, but Rachel was more than concerned about whatever epiphanic grasp Lisa suddenly thought she had on this situation.
"You didn't." Lisa's sounded like a mother who simultaneously felt disappointment and empathy for her slightly foolish child.
When Holly didn't respond Lisa continued. "You did." It was as if it crushed Lisa just to say it.
She waited for a beat before laying out her theory; she was almost certain of it's accuracy.
"You came over here-moved to England, and then you got blinded by all that 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' bullshit. You pushed aside and forgot about all the real reasons you two weren't together, even before Oxford was a thing. The long distance became the big bad wolf and you forgot about why you two broke up, and why you didn't get back together. You got swept up in the idea that you were both pining for each other across the ocean; star crossed lovers."
Holly just dabbed at her eyes again with the tissue Rachel had passed her earlier, having completely finished her bacon and needing to occupy her hands with something. She peered up at Lisa with guiltily sad eyes. How could she be so foolish.
Lisa accepted a lack of denial from Holly as a sign she was on the right track. Lisa pushed a still damp hair back behind Holly's ear. "Holly, she completely ignored you for weeks because of something stupid I said."
"I know." The strain in Holly's voice wasn't contempt for Lisa, it was a scolding meant for herself.
LIsa pressed on. "She'd probably still be giving you radio silence if it weren't for that thumb they dug out of the trash."
"I know."
Lisa still wasn't done. "She's adopting a kid, Hol. She's becoming a single mom. And if she's moved on, I mean, gosh, she's got a ton going on without pining over a Juliet on another continent."
"I know. Ugh." Holly dropped her head into her hands, rubbing the heels of her hands into her eyes.
"Holly," Rachel decided to step in, "I think Lisa's worried that you've willingly, or unwillingly, forgotten why you guys didn't get back together even before you knew you'd be coming over here, and that you've maybe subconsciously reassigned the reason for you two being apart to the geography."
Holly looked up softly at Rachel, silently licking her lips. God, even after a whole bottle of water her mouth was still dry.
Apparently Lisa wasn't quite ready to give the reins up to her slightly more cajoling friend though. "Plus, Hols, it's not like any of your past relationships really had much...longevity, I mean, since Jess, I guess."
"Thanks, Lisa," Holly bit back out of self preservation.
It was true though, sort of.
Since she started her residency Holly didn't exactly see any of her relationships having serious longevity. She never really thought of any of her past girlfriends in that light anyhow.
Holly wasn't a one night stand person, but she hadn't really been in love with any of her girlfriends since then. Maybe she could have been, had she allowed herself to be? Who knows. She cared about them, she really did, and she was pretty much cordial with all her exes.
Holly had never felt the need to be in a relationship, she wasn't actively looking for 'the one,' and she wasn't wrecked by those breakups. She didn't dive into a relationship when right after one dissolved. Holly had no qualms with being single. She worked hard, she worked long hours, and so did the women she dated.
Maybe Holly's head was a bit in the sand about how different her relationship with Gail was.
"Hey, it's not a bad thing, I'm not judging, not that I even have any right to. I'm just sayin' Hols-"
"I think what Lisa's trying to say is," Rachel cut in, "there's really nothing simple about you and Gail, and that it's probably not good for you to be still in it, especially if she's not-if she can't be."
Holly couldn't really argue with that, not after the way Gail acted at the station.
"Yeah." Holly sounded resigned, and maybe a little bitter too. She slowly rose from the couch and headed toward the kitchen in search of a fresh water bottle.
"so let's press undo.
rearrange the old and call it new-
january white."
- Sleeping at Last, January White
A/N: So, on the bright side, Holly's over halfway done with her time overseas...and the next couple of chapters are more or less written, so I'll most likely be updating again by the end of the weekend. As always, I love to hear your thoughts and feelings, and I'm most grateful to those of you who take the time to share :)