Trigger warning: Mentions of some sexual/non con content.
Squeezing her eyes shut, she tried to focus. If she could stay this way long enough, she might be able to sense her spirits again. It only happened once so far since coming to Freed's, but that instance of bliss was enough to see her through. She just needed to know they were alright.
She'd only gotten that connection with Loke, and it definitely wasn't strong enough to venture trying to communicate. She wasn't even certain she could do that. It lasted for barely a few seconds, but was enough for Lucy to sense that he was unharmed. Still, the effort it took last time left her panting.
Glancing around her room, Lucy took a moment to compose herself. It was late, and she'd finally convinced Freed to go back to his room and attempt sleep. Being left alone had her hair standing on end, but she hesitated to bother him again. The whole day was a wash, and she'd rather just move forward and forget.
Easier said than done.
So far she'd managed to sit alone in her room on the bed, fidgeting as she attempted to focus. Giving up she sat up again, her toes digging into the soft material of the blanket Freed gave her.
God, she was exhausted, and wanted nothing more than to slip into sleeps gentle embrace. But she knew it once she slipped under her dreams would be frightening, and she couldn't handle that.
Lucy kept trying to ignore the eccentric beat of her heart, but it wasn't working. All she needed to do was turn off the light to try to sleep, and she couldn't yet will herself to do it. Darkness brought back memories and nightmares, and despite his constant reassurance Lucy couldn't get it out of her had that Midnight could appear in the shadows and drag her away again.
She didn't want to have to go.
Or worse, Rusty. The remnants of what they'd seen earlier in her apartment sent shivers down her spine, and she glanced half-heartedly towards the bag containing all that was left of her letters to her mom. She hadn't tried to look at the remains yet, knowing it would shatter the last of her resolve.
Tucking her legs up underneath her, she looked longingly towards the door again. Freed probably wouldn't mind if she bugged him, certainly preferring that over waking to her screams. But that would mean crossing the dark hallway to knock on his door, or simply barge in, and she wasn't sure she was brave enough to do that.
He might prefer being woken up over jolting awake, but it still seemed wrong to disturb him. He deserved the right to a proper night sleep after all, even if he said so otherwise before they went to bed.
You can come get me whenever you need. You're not fighting this battle alone, Lucy.
Wrapping herself in a hug, her mind started playing tricks on her in the dark. Rustyrose, Midnight, any of them could find a way to sneak in. Somehow. Staring at the window they could peer over the sill at any moment, daunting eyes threatening to take her back…
Lucy whimpered, gripping tighter onto her own arms. She wouldn't go back to them unprepared. She couldn't. She desperately wished she had her spirits there, they could always lift her mood when she was feeling defeated.
Only this time, she needed to lift theirs. She needed to get back to them before one of her beloved friends slipped through their gate, and possibly got themselves tortured and captured.
They could always comfort her when her fears snuck up too, like being found by those demons…
Lucy was off the bed before she realized what she was doing, darting out of the bedroom before she lost her nerve. A cold sweat broke out across her temple, her fears plaguing her mind even while awake. She wrapped once on Freed's door before throwing it open, her own mind causing her fear to peak well beyond reason.
The man in question was already up by the time she made it to his bedside, flicking on the light as she approached. He looked confused but not tense like normal, and she realized he'd already noticed that no one else was in the house. He would've jumped up if he was concerned, but instead he was focusing on her intently, trying to figure out what was wrong.
She stilled beside the bed as their eyes met, her own panic beginning to subside. He didn't say anything for a few seconds, taking in her rapid breathing and clenched hands before talking.
"Nightmares?"
She tried to laugh, but choked, the noise sounding more like a sob. "I didn't even get to sleep."
He tilted his head, something flashing behind his eyes before he sat up and swung his legs off the bed. His hair was messy, and now she was worried she woke him from some decent sleep. "Did you want to talk?"
Rocking on her heels, she looked around the room uncertainly. "I… don't know. I just, I ran in here."
Freed's eyebrows rose a little. "Just?"
"I was thinking about my apartment earlier," she blurted out, the words coming out rushed and run together. Lucy's eyes widened when she realized that she'd just burdened him again, ready to watch the despair return to his eyes again. Things kept happening, and it seemed like no matter what he did to help it was always getting worse.
His expressions softened, adjusting on the bed. He stayed quiet for a moment before speaking, seeming to mull that over. "I promise the wards are intact. There's nothing to be afraid of here."
"I'm tired of being afraid," she admitted, her knees giving out as she sank down beside his bed. Freed looked alarmed, his arms coming out to grasp beneath hers before she reached the floor, successfully helping her sit down beside him. "I'm tired… I'm tired of being useless."
"You're not useless," he argued. "Everyone needs time to heal after an ordeal, remember? It's barely been a week, and you spent just as long being tortured. These things won't heal overnight."
"But I'm not doing anything!" she screamed, meeting Freed's gaze. "Nothing! If they came back… if they found me o-or if I was in my apartment when they came back…"
She shuddered, the words fading into silence. Freed remained looking perplexed, his eyes never leaving her face. "You won't be alone. Even if you aren't around me no one would leave you to your own devices. We wouldn't even think of it, especially if you don't have your spirits around to assist in a fight."
Lucy bit her lip, digging painfully in with her teeth. "But I don't have them. Even if I did encounter them, what would I do without my spirits? I don't have my Fleuve d'étoiles, and I can't get another until I see Virgo again. I-I have no way to save myself. I have to depend on others."
"Lucy-"
"They'll get me alone," she continued, eyes watering. "They always do. It's a classic scenario. They have to know I'm more or less helpless w-without my spirits and my whip. They wouldn't let me close enough for a Lucy-kick-"
"Those do hurt," Freed grumbled.
"-and I can't do any damage long distance without a weapon," she admitted, dropping her head. It felt good to voice her fears, but it didn't make a difference. These were all things Freed probably already knew, and he just like everyone else believed he had a plan that would involve Lucy never being alone where one of the Seis could get to her while helpless.
She'd started having doubts about that. So far they eluded all her Fairy Tail friends who went searching, yet somehow they got into the city and rummaged through her bedroom for god knew what. If they could do that, she didn't doubt that somehow, someway, she'd end up trapped with them as well.
And without a way to save herself, it'd be over. Her spirits would be free if the contracts severed without her willing giving them up, but they wouldn't exactly know what became of her. It hurt her heart to even imagine abandoning them like that.
Blinking a couple times, she fought off the weariness in her body. She felt more like passing out than holding a conversation, but the moment she closed her eyes she would undoubtedly be assaulted by nightmares. She'd already set her mind to not allow her sleep tonight.
"We can look for a whip here in Magonlia," Freed reasoned, drawing her out of her dark thoughts and desire to sleep. "I could ask someone to go look for one or we can go to the store tomorrow and pick one out. If we go together there shouldn't be any danger. Obviously the Seis won't take any chances. They only seem to want to attack when they think you are vulnerable."
Her eyes widened a little, gripping onto the legs of her pajamas. "You'd go shopping with me for one? Even after today?"
"Of course," Freed replied, as though this was the most obvious thing in the world. "Whatever will help you Lucy. I want you to feel safe. If the runes aren't enough then a method to defend yourself is certainly reasonable."
She let herself smile at that, Freed's words touching her. He didn't seem to think she was being unreasonable wanting to go out and get a weapon, he was even supporting it. She felt her spirits lift a hair, already imagining practicing with a whip again. At least it wasn't a close range weapon.
Glancing to his bedside table, she noted Freed's sword leaning there. Once she had the crazy idea of asking if she could sleep with that in her room, but ultimately decided it wouldn't really help her. Freed obviously used it as an extension of his magic, and she didn't have enough experience using one anyway for it to really matter.
"But I'm guessing the need for a weapon isn't why you're in here at two in the morning, right?"
Pulled from her thoughts, Lucy met his gaze again. "No. I… I told you. I thought about my apartment again."
"And I'm sure it made you think about more than just a whip."
She nodded, dragging her legs up on the bed to hug them. She felt half-awake these days, exhaustion always lingering over her head. She'd love to just go to sleep right there, but that might weird Freed out and she didn't want to overstep anything. "Uh… no. I – I felt like eyes could see me…. Everything I was doing…" her voice trailed off, eyes drooping shut.
Frowning, he leaned forward. "Were you doing something?"
His voice sounded far away, fading as she felt herself slipping into sleep. Freed's bed was comfortable, and he'd never let anything bad happen to her before.
"Lucy?"
Her shoulders sagged, Freed's voice sounding far away. She could just rest her eyes, let herself catch a few Z's for a few minutes. He wouldn't mind, right?
Freed said something else but she missed it, feeling her body lull itself into slumber. Her mind wandered, trying to think of something peaceful to keep her dreams serene. Lucy wanted to focus on Freed but it just wouldn't happen, her subconscious having other ideas, focusing on something she'd much rather forget.
"Why don't you touch yourself, for me?"
Lucy jumped, her body jerking awake as she recalled another part of her nightmares. Freed was still studying her, looking perplexed as she nearly leapt off the bed. She blinked, swallowing down the panic rising in her chest as she watched his confusion grow. She had no idea if he'd just said something or not.
Blinking, she tried to steady her breathing. Her cheeks grew red as she blushed, her mind immediately jumping to conclusions. Did Freed have some idea of what flashed through her mind? Maybe she'd given some sort of indication, and that's why he was staring so gard. She jerked up off the bed, her anxiety picking up.
He'd asked her enough times if someone touched her, he'd never really ventured to assume they wanted her to handle things herself. Her cheeks blazed, the memory not the most terrifying from her experience but definitely the most embarrassing and humiliating.
Would Freed judge if he found out what they asked?
"Lucy?" he asked again, his words slicing through the quiet, her uneven breathing the only other sound. "What are you doing?"
She tensed, wondering if her embarrassment showed on her face. This was something she never intended on sharing, with anyone. After all, the Seis just assumed she had a hand at herself before.
It was the only thing she hadn't shared with Cobra, the humiliation outweighing her desire to show him who his old friends really were.
"Come on Angel, you've got to be kidding me. If she looks like that of course she knows how to play with herself."
The white haired mage glared back, standing closer to Lucy's shaking form than the others. This was the first time since they'd captured her that she wasn't completely restrained, her bleeding knees digging into the ground. "Fuck off Rusty. It doesn't matter. That isn't part of the deal."
"I wanna know too," Racer interjected, looking towards Lucy's tembling face. "I'm sure she can perform fine, or we can always help."
"No!" she screamed, her voice scratchy from crying out when they beat her. "No. No no no. I-I don't need help."
"Come on the, blondie," Midnight muttered waving a hand as he turned away, "show them something good."
She gasped, the memory and Freed's words mixing together in a confused blur in her head. Suddenly she was up, waving her arms frantically. She didn't want Freed getting the wrong impression of her. She didn't want him thinking she did that normally, not for an audience! "No! No, I – I don't do that!"
He blinked, looking thoroughly confused for a second. "Uh, do what?"
Lucy's blush intensified, wondering if he was just playing dumb. He'd asked what she did to herself, right? Her breath hitched, blinking back the sudden urge to cry. She didn't want Freed to think less of her. "I –I don't do anything – I don't touch– I –I-"
Freed seemed to finally catch onto what she was implying, the blush intensifying to cover her entire face by now as her fingers began to shake. He jumped up as well, quickly shaking his head. "I didn't mean that! I thought you meant you were crying or something! W-why would you even think I'm implying that!?"
She froze, suddenly feeling incredibly stupid and subconscious. Yeah, why would he think that? She replayed the conversation in her mind, trying to figure out where she went on. He asked what she'd been doing….
Oh, he hadn't implied that he meant to herself, but in general. She let her nerves trick her, fear taking over and making her slip up. Freed never hinted at anything before – other than asking rather persistently if the Seis ever violated her – and he hadn't so much as made a joke towards her about anything sexual.
Why would he bother? It wouldn't make sense.
But why, why did she let sleep deprivation get the best of her? Why the holy hell did she have to make everything so awkward? Now he'd put the pieces together, somehow. She was certain of it.
They stood in silence for several moments, the faintest pink tinging Freed's cheeks as well. He interrupted the quiet first, clearing his throat a couple times before speaking. "I would never invade your privacy asking something like that. Uh, even if you do something behind the door at night-"
Lucy groaned, covering her face in humiliation. She'd rather he interpret her actions more embarrassed than terrified. "Please don't."
"Well even if you do, what you do with yourself really isn't any of my business. I wouldn't ask such a personal question."
She desperately wanted the ground to swallow her up right then. Why did she blurt that out? Why did she even let her mind go in that direction? After her experience with Rustyrose, and especially after the surprise they found at her apartment, the last night she wanted to do was touch herself.
Lucy never wanted to in the first place. Her only saving grace was Angel, who reasoned that hurting her too much might just end up ruining the process. That was what led them to this alternative…
She felt dirty, both mentally and physically whenever she looked in the mirror. Not just dirty, but weak and defeated. Useless. Lucy knew she was letting herself sink towards depression but couldn't help it. Things just kept going from bad to worse, and now she'd gone to made things incredibly uncomfortable between herself and Freed.
And she needed Freed. She couldn't imagine handling things on her own, and she wasn't sure if she'd be able to take the loss of his comfort if they were suddenly awkward around each other. Even if he seemed to sometimes think he wasn't doing a good job helping her, she couldn't process the idea of going through the rest of this alone.
"W-well thanks," she muttered, keeping her gaze low. She didn't want him to see the fear in her eyes. He wasn't pushing the topic, and she didn't think he really would, but there was always the faintest possibility. "Um… but don't worry. I don't do that."
"It's still not any of my business," he said, his voice an octave higher than before. "Really."
Lucy let the topic go, realizing he really didn't want to talk about this. Maybe the idea disgusted him, she wasn't sure. The thought definitely had her skin crawling, so she couldn't imagine how grossed out he had to be.
No one should want to touch her. She'd been humiliated and damaged enough times. The only people who took an interest in her seemed to be twisted in their own right, and Freed certainly wasn't on that list. It was probably better he found the whole topic revolting.
"Sorry," she whispered, liftiing her head up even as her hands shook. "I shouldn't have said anything like that."
He frowned, and she couldn't determine what that expression meant. "Lucy-"
"I – I'm just going to go to bed," she continued, moving towards the door. "I should've talked to you in the morning."
"You can talk to me whenever. I thought something else was bothering you?"
She shook her head quickly, already standing in the hall. "No, uh, nothing. It's nothing. Goodnight Freed."
Turning, she darted back into the safety of her room and slammed the door shut, nearly catching her hair in the process. Once inside she leaned against the wood, taking several deep breaths.
Well, that couldn't have gone any worse. He was going to think she was a freak now for assuming he was thinking about that, when he obviously wasn't.
She hated herself or thinking about it.
It was all so humiliating. She wasn't sure her self-esteem could take much more of this. Sinking down to the floor she hung her head, taking several deep breaths.
Her eyes flinted back to the windows again, taking in the darkness beyond. She definitely wouldn't be able to sleep tonight.
Freed kept his hands in his pockets as they walked, just in case she got weirded out again. After the rather interesting debate they had last night he wasn't going to take any chances.
Lucy didn't want to think about anything sexual, even if it was the blonde herself who let her mind travel to the topic. He didn't understand why she'd gotten so embarrassed when she brought it up, but he guessed it didn't matter. What Lucy did in her room, save for harming herself, was none of his damn business.
Too bad Freed had yet to convince himself of that. He'd been completely thrown when Lucy came in last night and told him her concerns, already brainstorming from that moment on a way to get her a whip immediately. But she hit him with a curve ball when she suddenly assumed he'd been insinuating that she was touching herself before coming into the room.
Really, what the fuck was she going on about? Freed spent a lot of time with her, he knew she wasn't comfortable with herself or most anyone else. If she was actually doing that it might make him feel better; at least she'd still have a shred of normalcy in her life.
He nearly stopped walking at that thought, silently yelling at himself to stop focusing on it. He couldn't think about Lucy pleasuring herself, not in her current situation. He imagined she wouldn't be doing anything like that for quite a while.
And getting distracted by the mere idea had to be sacrilege. The girl was suffering! How dare he take an interest in how she may or may not make herself feel good?
Still, he wondered what made her mind travel that way. It seemed sort of random, nothing he'd preempted or even heard her cry about, so he wasn't sure where the topic even come from.
Unless that was actually what she was doing…
Shaking his head, he restrained himself from slamming his head into the nearest wall. Clearly something had to be messed up about him if he kept thinking about this.
"Freed?" Lucy asked, snapping him out of his thoughts. He blinked, glancing up to see that they had arrived at their destination.
This morning he made plans to take Lucy to the store to purchase a whip. Despite his arguments and her obvious hesitation, she refused to let someone else go out and purchase one on her behalf. She full heartedly believed that she needed to be the one to pick out the weapon. No one else could do that for her.
Freed did understand, to a degree. He never would've let anyone else pick out his sword. But after yesterday he hesitated taking her anywhere. The Seis could be nearby, and putting her in any situation that would ultimately lead to danger was just plain stupid.
"Oh," he grumbled, drawing himself out of his thoughts. "We're here?"
Lucy nodded, looking somewhat surprised that he hadn't realized. Usually Freed forced himself to be alert around Lucy, both to make her feel secure and to avoid a sudden surprise attack. The mere fact that he allowed himself to get distracted was enough to cause her to raise an eyebrow.
He would've been more concerned if he hadn't let some of the other guild members know they were going out. After yesterday they'd literally come to his house to kill him if he didn't let the others know she was no longer safely behind the runes. Really it was a testament to her bravery, but he didn't want to push her. They needed to remain cautious.
At least he had a lacrima handy in his home. It made going out today a little bit easier.
His eyes flitted around as they entered the store, taking in the not-so-hidden forms of his team off in another shop, staring obviously out the window. He wondered if Lucy even noticed them. Gajeel and Levy were more obvious, buying from a cart in the middle of the road. Panther Lily wasn't even masking his interest, staring at the pair until they were fully inside the shop.
Then there was Mira and Cana, who he knew were within eyesight if he really tried to look…
Maybe it was overkill, but Lucy had to realize she was loved. Hell, Gray and Erza walked with them into town, coming up with some sort of ridiculous excuse to go out of their way to Freed's and then walk back into town again.
He figured Lucy would be tired of it pretty quick. Once she had a new weapon to defend herself, maybe the others would lay off just a little. They were going to suffocate her with all their concerns.
He'd be lying if he said he didn't like the extra security around her. Clearly the Seis would do anything to mess with her, and there didn't seem to truly be any boundaries about what they would do. The more security the better.
Shaking his head, Freed tried to pay attention to the saleswoman talking to Lucy. They were going over various whips on one of the walls, the associate letting her hold several while she babbled. Seeing that she was okay for the moment Freed stepped away, giving her a few minutes alone without everyone staring.
She probably needed it. He knew she was in the store, and someone would have to barge in or break down a wall to reach her. There would be no sneaking. So at the moment he was sure leaving her be wouldn't be fatal.
Besides, he needed a few moments to himself. After their talk last night his mind went all over the place, and standing with Lucy for so long just had unwanted questions begging to slip off his tongue.
He refused to ask her what brought that topic up. Maybe Lucy did something to herself at night, but he seriously doubted it. He ran into her room enough times unannounced; if this was a regular occurance he probably would've encountered a much more uncomfortable scene than he normally did.
Despite his interest, he didn't really think she was touching herself at all, not for a long time anyway. That really only left one explanation, but thinking about it got his blood boiling all over again.
The Seis. He wished they would just show up so he had an opportunity to smack someone down. At this point he'd take any one of them if it meant he could let off some steam and take care of Lucy's demons.
Rounding a corner he stopped, nearly running into Lucy. She stopped a pace or two in front of him, gripping the whip in front of her in a vice-like grip.
He found it kind of amusing that this one was green.
"Find one you liked?" he asked, nodding to the weapon. She nodded, a genuine smile dancing across her lips as she shyly held the whip out, like she was looking for some sort of approval.
Interested he reached forward, taking the whip out of her grip. Instead of ending in one long rope like he was used to this whip split into three separate strands, each as thick as his fingers. The tips were a little heavier than the rest of the weapon, a thin layer of metal secured at the ends. Running a finger over the edge, he noted that they hadn't bothered dulling the edges down.
Lifting his gaze he met her eyes, noting the way she dug her teeth into her lip again. She was going to have to stop doing that. "This will slice flesh when you hit an opponent. It'll hurt."
Lucy nodded, a coy smile dancing across her lips. "That's the point. The saleswoman recommended it for extra defense. She said it should cut through the skin of anything, save maybe a dragon."
Freed arched an eyebrow, finding the comparison interesting. So far as he knew none of the Seis were dragon slayers, so that shouldn't be a problem. "Did you pay?"
Shaking her head she took the whip back again, her fingers toying with the handle. "I wanted your opinion first."
"I think it's a great weapon Lucy. It's definitely not for beginners, but I've seen you use such a device before. It will suit you well."
"I thought so too," she whispered, staring fondly at it. "I… I want to try it out when we go home."
Home. Freed pressed his lips together, wondering when she started addressing his home so casually. He got the impression that she was sometimes uncomfortable there, but maybe he was overthinking it.
"Yes," he agreed, clearing his throat, "that's a good idea. You need to get used to it. Every weapon handles different. It would be better to know how it works before you ever really need to use it."
Lucy nodded, seeming happy with the answer. "Let's go."
It didn't matter how to Lucy how awkward their day started out today, she considered this one of her better ones since being saved. She hadn't ventured out much with Freed except for the past few days, and she definitely hadn't stood in his yard with a weapon of any sort in her hands.
It felt empowering. She already felt a little bit safer with the coiled weapon in her grip, the dangerous tips cool against her leg as she readied herself.
Freed stood off to one side near his porch, giving her the space she craved. Lucy had no doubt he could probably deflect the weapon if he needed to, especially in her weakened state, but she would feel awful if she somehow hurt the man helping her. Instead she asked for a little space as she adjusted to the weight in her hands, testing the feel of it between her fingers as she jerked it behind her.
The whip gave off a satisfying snap as she threw it forward, the tough metal ends snapping loudly into the bark of the tree before her. The impact left three lines, not nearly as deep as she would hope, but better than she expected.
Lucy took a step back, her breathing heavy as she shot Freed a grin. He still looked funny sitting on his porch in nothing but that white shirt, but just then she didn't mind.
For the first time since being captured, she felt like she had control over what would happen to her again.
"Not bad," Freed called out, a grin slitting across his face. She could feel her shoulders shaking from the effort, her lack of food for the last nine days catching up. Even if food didn't always sound appealing, she was going to have to start eating again if she wanted to keep this up. One god damn lash and she was already winded.
She'd have to be a lot better if she wanted to stand a chance against them.
"I-I can do better," she admitted, allowing herself to slump forward, her hands coming to rest against her knees. She was breathing heavy, her irritation increasing as she felt more and more tired.
Seriously? Before this she could keep up with Natsu's frantic running for a couple minutes before getting winded, now she couldn't handle one lash before being out of breath? That wouldn't do; she wouldn't allow it.
Lucy kept herself fit, and she couldn't believe how tired she already was. The last nine days took more out of her than she thought. She needed to change that.
"I…" she panted, standing straight before she spoke again, "I'm going to keep practicing."
"You look tired," Freed argued, frowning. "Don't overexert yourself already."
Shaking her head, she felt a smile gently tugging at her lips. With her new whip in hand she was finally starting to feel alive again, a bit of her regular life falling into place much more. "I can't stop now. I feel… good."
Freed seemed to perk up at that, his eyes dancing with interest as he stood as well. Lucy rolled her shoulders back, her muscles already feeling stretched as she prepared to continue practicing with the whip away from the tree. She wanted the metal to be nice and sharp for when she really used it.
"I'll practice with you then," he mused, wandering over to her side. His sword still hung loosely from his belt, hands resting in his pockets. Lucy recalled the last time she'd seen him use the weapon, and all the poor trees he took down with it. "I could use the exercise."
Nodding, she felt the weight on her chest lift a little. Practicing together sounded great. She wanted to feel her muscles work at something, and this was a lot better than sitting inside wallowing in fear.
That wouldn't bring her spirits back. She needed to be the one to do it, and she couldn't start that without getting some of her strength back.
Lucy smiled, her eyes crinkling from the expression. She held out a hand, beckoning to the trees further away from his house. "Let's go."
A/n: I know it's taking some time, but Lucy will get her bounce back. I figured having a way to defend herself will be step one, and it helped ease the heaviness of the chapter. Thanks for reading and let me know your thoughts! I'm getting more and more excited about the next chapters in the story.