Hey, everyone – here's chapter ten! It's pretty much all talking but I hope there's enough angst to go around. Hope you enjoy and Happy New Year!
Green-Eyed Tears Several Second Tries
The minute the three had appeared in the living room, Harry had made for the stairs but the desperately desired solitude was not to be had.
"Harry," Sirius called to his godson's retreating back, "we have a lot to talk about and don't think even for a second that you're leaving this room before we've worked this out."
A fleeting look of mild surprise passed over Harry's face; Sirius wasn't the one to force discussion on him – he usually left that up to Remus. The realization of this fact told Harry that there was no getting out of this particular talk. He set his features into a determined expression and turned to face them. "Alright," he said, crossing his arms across his chest, "what do you want to talk about?"
"Well," Sirius began, "let's start with asking: Did you really mean what you said about your dad? Do really blame him?"
Harry bit his lip to keep himself from saying 'yes' automatically. He paused and thought for a second. He knew deep down that he didn't really feel it was his father's fault. He had just been confused and angry and in shock when he had said all those things. Granted, he was still more than a little shocked that his father had suddenly and unexplainably returned from the grave but he had calmed down considerably and it was easier now to think, at least, a little more rationally. "No," he said finally, uncrossing his arms, "It's just…everything was going great! I was stupid enough to think that I might actually get something like a home for once in my life and then he shows up!"
It was Remus who spoke this time: "First of all, everyone deserves a home, especially you; you're not stupid for wanting one." (Harry found this very difficult to believe) "And about your dad; I'd thought you'd be happy about this – I thought this is what you wanted!"
"I did! This is all I've ever wanted! But that was at the Dursleys' when I didn't have anyone! I don't even know him! Yeah, he's my dad but I've never even met him! I mean, what if he doesn't want me–?"
"Hey, stop right there," Sirius ordered, "What do you mean he might not want you? You're his son, not to mention one of the most amazing people I've ever known! You have no idea how much all of us need you! Ron and Hermione would die without you…I'd die without you," he finished quietly.
"No, you wouldn't," Harry whispered sadly, "I know you're just saying that and I know neither of you really want me here."
Remus's mouth was open slightly; where was all this coming from? He knew Harry had a lot of issues to deal with right now but he hadn't been aware that the boy thought he wasn't even wanted in the house. "Harry…what are you talking about? Of course we want you here. I wouldn't trade you for anything!"
Harry opened his mouth and closed it again, as if not sure of what to say. Then he opened it again, "Well…even if that was true, you'd get tired of me eventually. People can only like me for so long before they realize I'm not worth it. Believe me, it happens all the time."
"You mean the Dursleys, don't you?" Sirius asked sorrowfully.
Harry paused and looked uncertain before giving a slight nod. "Mostly, anyways. It happened at school, too. Before Hogwarts." He paused again.
"What do you mean, at school?" Remus asked this time.
Harry suddenly became incredibly interested in the floorboards. "When….Well, I didn't have any friends in the first place cause Dudley hated me and if Dudley didn't like you, nobody did." Harry admitted self-consciously, color slowly creeping up his neck. "Whenever I'd kind of start to make a friend, I'd accidentally do magic or something weird would happen around me and they'd get scared. Same with the teachers. They thought I was a freak." He said this last part very quietly, the blood now rising to his cheeks.
Remus ran a hand through his gray-streaked hair and closed his eyes. Sirius moved closer to his young godson and put his arms around him. Harry recoiled and tried instinctively tried to push away before he realized the man wasn't going to hurt him. For the second time that day, Harry leaned into his godfather's chest and, enveloped by his strong arms, soaked up the comfort. The tears leaked slowly from his green eyes only to be absorbed instantly by Sirius's robes. Sirius rubbed his back in small circles and ran his free hand through his untidy black hair, trying to soothe Harry as best he could.
Though he longed to stay where he was, Harry drew back, turning away and wiping his eyes. "Good, Harry. It's just like you to go around blubbering all over the place," he said miserably to himself.
"Hey, it's okay. This isn't a weakness; it's a lot better than keeping it all to yourself." Harry smiled slightly in acknowledgment.
"And about what happened to you at school," Remus began hesitantly, "they were Muggles. They didn't understand you or your powers. It wasn't your fault; it was extremely unfortunate, but it definitely wasn't your fault. And the Dursleys…," Remus paused shortly to suppress his anger. "…the Dursleys hated magic, not you. You just showed up in their lives one day and they didn't know how to handle it. To them, you represented everything that they had tried to disconnect themselves from by not speaking to your parents. Now, I'm not saying what they did was right; it's never alright for anyone to be treated the way you were treated, but I want you to understand that it was, in no way, your fault what they Dursleys did to you. Do you understand me?"
Harry looked at his shoes and gave the smallest of nods. Sirius gently placed his finger under Harry's chin and lifted the boy's face towards his own. "Hey, I know for a fact that your dad is going to love you. That he does love you. Just give him a chance; you won't be disappointed."
Harry nodded yet again, "Do we have to go back now?"
"Only if you're ready."
Harry thought for second; he knew he would never be ready. "Yeah, okay."
Sirius placed a hand on Harry's back (Harry barely suppressed a cringe) and led him to the fireplace. They called out their Hogwarts destination and, once again, disappeared into emerald flames.
'I don't want to be here,' Harry thought desperately. He was sitting next to Sirius in Dumbledore's office. Remus sat on Sirius's other side and, next to Remus, sat a very anxious James. He kept glancing over at his son, resisting the urge to rush over, grab hold of him, and never let go. He didn't know why they were even here; he figured that Harry would be as happy to see him as he had been to see Harry. But his only son didn't look happy or even interested; he looked like he would rather be anywhere but in this room.
"Now then," the headmaster began, looking directly at Harry, "the first thing to discuss is how your father has returned to us. From what he remembers, he appeared in Godric's Hollow last night. He then Apparated straight into Hogsmeade and made his way here. He claims to know nothing of the time before that. According to several Muggles, something akin to an earthquake occurred followed by a 'sonic boom' as they called it at the same time as his arrival. My only explanation is there must have been a breach between the Land of the Living and the Land of the Dead; I can offer no further enlightenment than that." Here, the headmaster took on a kinder tone, "Second, Harry, I would like to inquire as to why you left so quickly after seeing your father."
Slightly panicked, Harry raised his eyes to meet questioning blue ones. "I…I don't know." To explain that would be to let his father know that he had been abused by the Dursleys and he wasn't ready for that.
Sirius cleared his throat. "Albus…erm…maybe Harry should wait outside for a minute." Harry gave him a questioning look to which Sirius replied with a small smile. Although he wanted to know what Sirius's motives were, he was too anxious to get out of the room to argue.
After the door closed behind Harry, Remus turned to Sirius, "Sirius, I know what you're thinking and I think we should wait – Harry should tell him."
"You know Harry won't do it. Besides, he's his father; he deserves to know."
James spoke for the first time, "Know what?"
Sirius looked into his best friend's face. "It's something about Harry that you won't like." James's eyes filled with dread. This must have been what Dumbledore had been talking about the night before.
"Like what?"
Sirius fidgeted in his seat and looked to the headmaster for help. Dumbledore reluctantly took on the burden, "James, Harry was not raised by Sirius as was the original plan if something should have happened to Lily and yourself."
"What? Then who did? Moony? I didn't think the Ministry allowed werewolves to raise children."
"It wasn't Remus, either. Do you remember Lily's sister and her husband?"
James nodded. 'Horrible people' he recalled.
"Well when it was learned that you had been attacked by Voldemort, it was also learned that, when he turned his wand on Harry to destroy him, the curse backfired and, instead of killing Harry, ripped the soul from Voldemort's body." Dumbledore paused. "At the end of this last June, he obtained a new body but, for now, I shall tell you no more about that particular subject as it deviates from the matter at hand. The reason the curse did not work properly is because Lily, instead of moving from Voldemort's path, sacrificed herself to save her son. Therefore, the blood connection between Lily and her sister, Petunia, was the best protection I could place Harry under."
James's eyes widened as comprehension dawned. His son, his only child, had been raised by people he thought was pure torture just to lay eyes on. "Harry was brought up by that…woman…and her pig of a husband?" he asked heatedly.
"Yes," Dumbledore replied sadly, "But I'm afraid there's more to it."
James's stomach turned over. What could be worse?
"At the beginning of the summer, when he didn't respond to any letters, Remus and Sirius decided it was best to ensure his safety. Upon arriving at the Dursleys' home, they found him on his bed in a small room, bloody and bruised. His uncle had been abusing him both physically and emotionally the entire summer at least; we're not entirely sure how long it has been occurring."
James put his face in his hands. A deep, piercing sadness was strangling his heart. He gripped his hair tightly and squeezed his eyes shut. How could this have happened? It wasn't supposed to be like this. Harry was just a child! He, James, should have been there. In a bout of anger he stood suddenly, seized a glass that was sitting on Dumbledore's desk and threw it against the wall where it shattered into hundreds of pieces, making Sirius cringe. He gripped his hair again and turned away from the others.
Only when he felt a hand on his shoulder did he turn around. "I should've been there for him, Padfoot…I should have been there."
"We all feel guilty, James – it wasn't your fault." James found that hard to believe.
"Erm, Sirius?" Remus began quietly, "We still have a boy on the other side of that door that's bound to get very curious in a very short space of time."
"Right," Sirius took a deep breath. "I'll get him." He strode quickly to the door, turned the brass handle, and poked his head out into the small hallway. The door opened wider and Harry slipped back in, returning to his seat, along with Sirius.
James couldn't help it this time; he stared straight at his son's face, unable to tear his eyes away from the features that were so like his own.
"Now, Harry," Dumbledore began again, "Would you like to tell us what is bothering you?"
"I can't," he said simply.
Sirius squirmed slightly in his chair. Then: "He knows, Harry."
"What?" Harry said sharply.
"He knows; we told him."
"You told him?" he asked almost weakly. Then furiously, "How could you tell him?! I trusted you!"
"Harry, he's your dad; he deserves to know!"
"What if I didn't want him to know!?"
"Harry –"
"NO!" Harry pushed his chair back and threw open the oak door. For the second time that day, Harry ran. He ran down the spiral staircase, down the long corridor and down four more flights of stairs. He didn't know where he was going; he just let his feet lead.
He soon found himself in the Entrance Hall at the school's front doors. He pushed them open desperately and just kept running.
It wasn't long before he stumbled to a halt, kneeling in the grass to catch his breath. He looked up and felt a tiny sense of relief; he was at the entrance to the Quidditch pitch, one of his favorite places at Hogwarts. Tentatively, he stood, unsure of whether his tired legs would be able to support him. When he didn't fall again, he made his way slowly to stands. He climbed sluggishly to the very top, high above the pitch, and sat in one of the many empty seats. He took a deep breath and watched the sun sink below the horizon, leaving traces of red still clinging to the surrounding landscape.
After the darkness had completely settled around him, Harry leaned forward and put his tired head in his hands.
"Hey."
Well, there ya go! I hope you liked it and I'll try to get the next chapter out as soon as possible. Don't forget to review!
Review Responses:
CRESCENT-MOON-89101112 – Thanks for the review!
2693 – Obviously, James was told in this chapter that Harry was abused but it'll go into more detail later. And, don't worry; there will be some defying Dumbledore's orders in this fic although probably not on anything HUGE.
RaiseYourVoice – Well, I wasn't sure exactly what to do but I did get Harry down to the Quidditch pitch. And the opening of the next chapter will be talking.
Luvguurl – Thanks! I'll try to update sooner from now on.
Milye – Wow. Your review was one of the reasons I got this chapter out so fast. Thank you so much! And your criticism makes sense; I don't really think canon-Harry would let his uncle beat up on him but, of course, that's why I'm writing this – because J.K. never would. Yeah, Harry blaming his dad is a little unreal but, as you can see from this chapter, he didn't really mean it. Oh yeah – there will be some scar-action a little later in the story.
Yasu Nozomi – Thanks so much for your review! Harry didn't get over the flinching thing, it was actually kind of more pronounced – he was trying to get away from Sirius the whole time.
living-is-easy-with-eyes-closed – Yeah, there wasn't much reaction in this chapter but James will receive a much more in-depth description of the abuse later.
poke-me-im-strange – Thank you for the review – I tried to update as fast as possible.
applesollie – Sorry; I know I took WAY too long to update.
SillySocks – You're quite welcome! –gives a ridiculously large smile-
AngelAriel – I know James coming back is a little confusing. My only explanation; there was an odd quirk in the separation between the living and dead (and Harry's wish might have helped him along a little bit).
moonypadfoot – Thanks for the review!
blueoctober – I love your name (and the band). Thanks for your review!