Tick Tick Tick

He's moving with her, and there's something raw and hot and desperate about it. Something growing and building. Unstoppable. He's moving with her, in her, and Robin has wanted him for so long. Wanted, and wanted, and wanted him. Then he touches her, and that's all it takes. One brush of his hand over her body and she's breaking in waves, over and over again. And it's good. So good. It's them.

Somewhere in the midst of it she feels him come deep inside her and then they're both at rest. The calm after the storm. Her arms are wrapped over his shoulders, her legs still around his waist. She feels his breath against her skin where his face is buried in the hollow of her neck. He takes one long deep breath, then another, more steady, more recovered. He lazily kisses her neck, her collarbone, and in that second, with Barney still inside her, she knows nothing ever has or ever will feel so right. His lips brush her neck once more, gently, lingering. Then he pulls away, rolling onto his back beside her.

And that's when the voices begin. The moment contact is broken, that's when the doubt, and the fear, and the guilt take over. What have you done? What were you thinking? Were you even thinking at all?

She clutches the sheet to her bare chest, staring blankly ahead as it all hits her at once. She's in love with one man and dating another. And she cheated. They both just cheated. What does that make her? What does that make them? She's horrible. The worst person in the world. Lying there naked with Barney, her skin still cooling, she knows she's nothing more than a mess.

Just like her father always said.

Robin doesn't even know how she got here. She doesn't and she does. One minute they were kissing in the back of the cab and the next they were at his building, on their way upstairs, in his apartment, in his bedroom, and she was an active part of it all – kissing him, undressing him, touching him every bit as much as he was kissing, undressing and touching her. But she and Barney are a train wreck, a disaster together that just doesn't work. She's told herself this a thousand times over the past two months. So what is she doing in his bed? In his bed. She has a boyfriend, and there's no excuse, and she's a mess – and Kevin. Oh god, Kevin. Kevin, who's never been anything but understanding and sweet to her, even knowing of her feelings for another man. Kevin, who is right now across town at his mother's birthday party….while she's naked in bed with said other man, her body still tingling from their lovemaking. But her body just has to stop tingling because she's a horrible, horrible person and she doesn't deserve tingles or anything else good.

"This might be the worst thing I've ever done," she mumbles.

And even as Barney's trying to make jokes, he suddenly remembers Nora and the fact that he cheated too. Robin's still freaking out with no clue what to do, but at the same time she can't resist picking at the scab because why is he here in bed with her? Wasn't he supposed to be so committed to the girlfriend he only just remembered?

"Can I ask you, did this mean anything?"

His reply is instant and genuine. "Of course it did."

She blinks, her eyes widen, and she's truly taken aback because suddenly she's wondering if maybe she isn't the only one who's been playing games.

He tries to backtrack, and even though she instructed him to it still stings. "How could you say it meant nothing?"

"Of course it meant something," he repeats his original answer.

She suspects that he means it but still she replies, "No it didn't. It can't."

And that says it all, it can't. They can't keep doing this. Starting and stopping, and almost and maybe. It's destructive. And now there are two innocent people involved. They've both started over. They have new stable mess-free lives, and didn't he constantly say 'new is always better'? Hadn't they agreed you can't run back to the past?

But as she gathers up her clothes she knows they aren't just running back to the past. This, what they just did, was nothing like the past. This was richer, deeper. This was everything she ever –

No, this was something she had to bury deep, deep down and never speak of ever again. Because it never happened. It was all just a big mistake.

The next night, Robin discovers that's easier said than done. She can't handle this. She can't pretend. What's more shocking, Barney doesn't seem to want to. When he starts talking about the two of them starting a new life together she's as surprised as she is confused, but before he has time to explain Kevin and Nora arrive, and everything's a cover up from there until finally they decide they've got to tell them the truth.

But then Nora spills wine and Kevin ends up with a concussion and everything is such a huge mess. And all because of one night, one time together that's impossible to deny, or undo, or wipe away, because fate won't let them. Her heart won't let them. But wouldn't it be so much simpler if they could. "God, I wish last night never happened."

Robin can't quite believe what she's hearing when Barney boldly proclaims, "I don't…. What if this whole thing isn't the story of how we both made a huge mistake and ruined our relationships? What if it's actually the story of how we got back together?"

Her heart flips and skips and does something funny in her chest because this is exactly what she dreamt of hearing for weeks on end. But dreams and reality are two different things. It's one thing to want something. It's entirely different to actually reach out and take it. Because they did this. They already told this story once, and it had a horrible ending. Why will it be any different now? She's so unsure and scared and mixed up, and he's making all these overtures to her about how this is what they both want and they both haven't stopped thinking about each other.

And it's true, but all she can think in the moment is, "I'm such a mess. Why do you even like me?"

He hesitates a little before answering, "I guess because you're almost as messed up as I am."

She smiles a little because she gets what he means, she really does. That the two of them are cut from the same cloth. They understand each other. They are so alike in so many ways. And it feels good to have found that other half of your whole. But at the same time, two wrongs don't make a right. Hadn't they learned that last night?

But still she agrees to meet him at MacLaren's at midnight because the heart wants what it wants, and she can't fight them both.

At the hospital, Kevin is being examined and Robin is still uncertain, and afraid, and guilty as all hell, and so completely torn as to what to do – even more so now that she's outside of Barney's presence.

None of this makes any sense. For months he was so sure about Nora, as recently as yesterday. And now he's so sure about them today. What will he be sure about tomorrow?

Yet she buries that fear, or at least pushes it away a little, and watches the clock like she's in some sappy old movie she once saw with Lily and never thought she'd be so excited to reenact.

And she's about to say it, about to say the words, "I slept with Barney. I'm in love with Barney", but then Kevin tells her he loves her. And she's still trying to stop him, still trying to say it, until he says he doesn't want to know, that it doesn't matter.

That's what truly gives her pause. Mistakes don't matter? He doesn't even need to hear what she did? And he doesn't think she's a bad person? That's when it hits her; he's such a good guy. A good, steady guy who loves her and will always treat her well. A good, safe man who will never, ever hurt her.

And she finds herself needing to ask that same question: "I'm such a mess. Why do you even like me?"

When he finishes she's in tears because Kevin's is more than just a good answer; it's that he sees her as something better than what she is, that he wants her to see herself that way too. Maybe he doesn't know her or fully understand her, but maybe that's okay. Maybe she needs to be – needs to become – this better person that he sees.

You're almost as messed up as I am.

Barney's word echo in her mind. There was no 'I love you' from him. There was no 'I'm amazed by you'. Sure, he's told her beautiful things in the past, but that was then. Right now, tonight, he backed out of telling Nora the truth over a little spot of wine, and to be honest with herself she isn't one hundred percent certain if he'll even be at MacLaren's to meet her. He can't stop thinking about her. He wants to talk about 'us', but that isn't exactly ironclad.

You're almost as messed up as I am.

And that's just it. They are both two mess, two messes who will just end up hurting each other again. She and Barney have been here before and it just ends in heartbreak. Their last break up nearly destroyed her. She cried for months. She still has no idea how their friendship somehow came out of it intact. And now she loves him even more than she did before. She literally doesn't think she can survive another break up with him. She knows their friendship can't.

With Barney there are no promises, no guarantees, no surety they can even make it past tomorrow. They only have the hope of today. A beautiful today. But what happens when today is done? What happens if today ends the same way yesterday did? Who will be there to pick up the broken pieces of her heart and soul?

So when it comes to life and love and leaps, in the end she's just too afraid to take the chance.

After the emergency room, she tries to brush Kevin off, but he's clingy after his 'I love you'. And there is that small matter of his concussion. If Barney is there waiting for her, she needs to see him alone, tell him alone that the answer is no, she just can't find the courage to try again.

But if she does see him alone, she knows she'll tell him more than just that. She'll tell him the truth, the full truth. And he'll likely argue and say they can make another go of it. And no matter what her resolve is now, she'll weaken. She always does when she's around him. And when they're alone, forget it. All sanity flies out the window, and she'll tell him that she loves him, tell him that she wants to be with him more than anything, and she'll wind up right back in his bed, the last place she ought to be.

So Robin shows up at MacLaren's with Kevin in tow, and the only explanation she gives Barney is a small shake of the head. In that moment, she can feel both their hearts break. And no matter what he says, she knows "I'm so sorry" will never, ever be good enough.

Upstairs, as Barney is blowing out the candles and collecting the rose petals from Robin's bed – hiding the evidence of his broken heart, of his own stupidity, of how sure he'd been that they'd be spending the night here together– he wonders what he could have done, what he could have said differently that might have changed things, and his mind settles on her question back on the boat.

She's been unsure then, skittish and afraid, asking for proof that their relationship wouldn't fall apart again. He could see that so clearly now, but at the time he only wanted to see hope, and light, and a future with the two of them together. She asked him them, "Why do you even like me?", and his answer had fallen far short. He should have told her how amazing she is. He should have told her how she's perfect just exactly as she is. He should have told her how he adores her. He should have told her he doesn't just 'like' her, he loves her – deeply, hopelessly, more than he even knew was possible.

And he planned on telling her all of that, he did. He was going to tell her tonight, beneath the candlelight, in the room where they used to wake up together, and then they were going to make love on a bed of roses, and the worst of life was going to be forever behind them. But now there would be no making love ever again. Now he would never have the chance to tell her. Now the worst for him had only just begun.