Camp Hill, Pennsylvania, 3 months later, late August 2014
It had been three months since accident, she still had been in coma. Since I had made that unexpected decision, I had visited her every day – after work, or during it when I had no other patients to check on or no operation planned. Her medical state was stable, nothing had changed, but she couldn't wake up. Every day I had been sitting with her, trying to tell some stories about hospital, current politics, sport, whatever, just to deliver my voice to her, cause maybe she could hear that. It was still not proved what people in coma could hear or feel.
I had a feeling that today I was at her room a little too long. I checked on her few times during day and then I came to her after work at 6 PM and now I realized that it was 7.30 PM. I spent there one and a half hour, reading some novel by Stephen King and it hooked me. I had not been reading anything just for me, for a pleasure, and not for work, since ages. I admired it, a lot. I was doing that for her, but at the same moment somehow I found out that it was good to finally do something for myself, too. I had to admit, I was doing that also for myself. But when I saw 7.30 PM on my clock, I panicked a little, I already should be on my way to cemetery. I stood up quickly, said bye into the space and walked out.
It was 8 PM, when I arrived there with some flowers, which I had gotten earlier from grateful mother of one of my little patients, the boy with head injury caused by fall from bicycle. I hadn't had enough time to buy some other flowers, so I used that bouquet. I didn't feel completely right to use somebody's else present as my own gift for my daughter, but I put that white lilies in marble vase, and looked nostalgic on the grave.
Elizabeth "Lizzie" Willsburn
10th February 2008 - 15th March 2011
Beloved daughter
I kept my eyes on framed photo, taken three days before her death. Now perfectly restored, few weeks ago seemed to be taken only few days ago. But it was more than three years now … When that photo had been taken we had been at park. She had been so happy, running around, playing, jumping on the playground. I tried to recreate sound of her laugh and vision of her smile. I closed my eyes, and almost felt touch of her little hands, when she had been reaching out to me, calling "Mummy, mummy, your piggy wants back." I smiled to myself or maybe rather to vision of her. I missed her so much. I loved her so much. I moved my eyes to photo of Max, that one had been taken at Christmas Eve in 2010, I didn't remember who had chosen it before funeral, if that had been me or his mother …
Max Willsburn
25th October 1977 - 15th March 2011
Beloved husband, father and son
I had been there every single day since funeral. But that day for the first time I smiled at their photos, like good memories came to me without beating them up with staring at photos in album. I just got a vision of Max playing with Lizzie on that day in park, they had been great together, she had adored him, he had been able to make her laugh even if she had fallen and had gotten hurt. He had been amazing father. I had to admit that without any envy or rivalry. I had enjoyed spending time with them, watching them together. I was missing not only her, I realized that I was missing him too, as a father of my daughter. But that memory and that feeling of longing brought me back to my state of calm sadness, because my guilt came back to me.
I still had my routine – work, cemetery, photo albums ... and now I added spending time with unconscious girl to that list. Maybe it wasn't more normal then or maybe it was even more insane with that new additional habit.
I left my car on the parking and decided to take a walk. I was five minutes from my house, when I heard that somebody was calling me.
- Sue, wait. Suzie Q!
I turned around. It was Lindsay, during her jogging session.
- Hi Linds. I didn't know that you were running through my neighborhood.
- I modified my route. – She said trying to catch her breath.
- Longer or shorter now?
- The same, but different environment … not to get bored. – She smiled.
- And I'm on my usual walk from cemetery, always the same route.
She didn't say anything, probably embarrassed by my statement. I hadn't been talking with nobody at work about my personal life, but I was aware that they could have their own predictions, maybe wonderings, after all they had seen me at hospital, during that tragic night and they had seen me almost every day after that. I had tried my best to hide every feeling, but I was sure that sometimes I must have failed.
- Linds, it's not good to take breaks in training.
- If you say so, doctor Susan. – She smiled but probably saw that I was trying to get rid of her.
- I know what I'm saying, trust me.
- I know that you know it, at least I have never been able to keep up with you, when we used to run together.
- I didn't mean that. It's just medically proved.
- So why … – I looked at her with frozen glance, so she didn't end her question. I didn't want to have again that conversation about why I had dropped our trainings. She saw that and backed off. – Anyway see you at work next week.
- Bye, and good luck with your routes.
- Bye Sue.
I came back to my empty house, if only I had some reasons to gain or save money, I would sell it and rent some smaller apartment, but I had been and still was taking so much hours at work, I could easily afford it and life insurance had paid me so well after accident, that I really had no idea what I could do with money, I didn't need them, having or spending them couldn't make me happy in any way. It didn't matter, I just thought about it cause for the first time since very long I had realized how dirty windows at my house were and I noticed that I should take care of them. I perceived also that there were more than twenty five windows at my house. "Fuck ... I have to pay somebody to do it for me. So sometimes money can help."
For that night I had to look through an album with photos from period, when Lizzie had been one year old and had just started to stand up and walk a little bit. She had been adorable, when she had been reaching out for anything to stabilize herself but usually had failed and ended up on the ground, but immediately had tried again without crying. Then I had been taking thousands of photos, but very rarely had recorded some videos. It was a shame, cause I started to forget the sound of her laughter, the way she was making funny face. Fortunately today, earlier on cemetery I had been able to recall some vision with sound, moves and even sense of her touch, but it had been something unusual. I had problems to recreate all that, maybe because I had tried so hard.
I spent about one hour looking through photos. And then again I found myself without any occupation, so I took laptop and thought few seconds about what I should do. I leaned against any desire to visit dating sites and decided to read something about coma. I spent about five hours, till late night reading professional medical sites. They gave me great ideas.
Music, perfumes, smell of food, touching with different material – it all could help to bring back somebody from coma, but we had to use motives that person could remember and like. Hmm, I wanted to try even if it could be hard cause I didn't know her at all. Anyway I decided that I would do my best. First step – music. I planned to create music list and to give her about three or five songs every day. Not knowing her taste, I had to get every different kind of music, from pop, reggae, hip hop ... to dance and maybe even classics. I started immediately. I logged into iTunes and started to upload "the bests" from every possible kind of music directly to my iPod, which I had not used for ages ... I fell asleep on my desk, I even didn't know when ...
Next morning, it was Sunday, first one free of work for few weeks. But anyway going to hospital was first task on my list, although I felt fatal neck and back pain because of slipping somewhere between my desk and chair. But I was determined to see her to start music therapy as soon as possible.
- Hello stranger.
I walked into her room. It was dark here, so I raised blinds to let sun's rays in. I looked at her. She was so calm, for so many weeks there had been no signs of activity from her. I was determined to change that.
- Today we have a beautiful Sunday morning, it's summer heat already, without clouds on sky, you should wake up and enjoy it. – I winked as if she could see me. – We start our music therapy today so be ready to move a little or even open your eyes.
I sat down next to her and turned on first track, I pressed shuffle mode on iPod, cause I totally didn't have idea which track I should choose first, which one she could enjoy.
Sally called when she got the word,
And she said: "I suppose you've heard about Alice"
When I rushed to the window and I looked outside
And I could hardly believe my eyes
As a big limousine rolled up into Alice's drive
Oh, I don't know why she's leaving
Or where she's gonna go
I guess she's got her reasons
But I just don't want to know
'Cos for twenty-four years I've been living next door to Alice
Twenty-four years just waiting for the chance
To tell her how I feel and maybe get a second glance
Now I've got to get used to not living next door to Alice
Smokie – old, but still great. I got into dreaming mood, I used to like that song. I forgot about it, but hearing lyrics and melody it reminded me that it had been one of my favorites, long, long ago when I had been teenager. It also brought some memories back.
Los Angeles, California – about 20 years ago
- Susan, remember no drugs, no alcohol and no sex is allowed. Especially sex.
- I know mum, but I'm not a child anymore.
- Fifteen is still a childhood.
- But in three days I will be sixteen. And then …
- And then nothing changes, you still will be my little girl without permission to use alcohol, drugs and sex. You should remember that to be respected young woman, you must be the one, who respect yourself the most. And then boys will respect and adore you, the way you deserve it and want it.
- And if I don't want it?
- Every girl wants to be respected and adored by boys and then by men. And these who claim other way, these are only spinsters, feminists, and so called lesbians, bitter unattractive women, whose any men ever didn't want, so it's more comfortable for them to say that they don't want them. But it's only excuse.
- I don't …
- And you don't fit to that group, cause you are beautiful, smart, well-born young woman, to which men will line up in queue.
- But …
- Just stop, there is no but.
- Ok, mum. I'm going now.
- So have a great fun but safe.
- I know, I know, thanks.
- Call then to pick you up.
- It will be late. And it's only mile from home.
- No matter.
- Bye.
It was my first over night party, my best friend was celebrating sixteenth birthday. But my mother didn't have to warn me, cause I didn't want to try alcohol, drugs or sex. I wasn't interested in that kind of amusement. But I wanted to have some fun, just it … and maybe, only maybe checked some things, checked my dreams or maybe nightmares.
- Hello my birthday girl. – I hugged Olivia, when she opened door. We had known each other for more than ten years, since first day of our education we had shared school bench. – I wish you everything that you wish for yourself. Just be happy and … I think happiness is most important.
- Thanks, Sue. Anyway your mum wasn't willing to let you go out of car. I was afraid that she would come here to check everything.
- You know her, lecture, lecture and once more lecture.
- Yee, and in a minute there will be Marcus with delivery.
- Delivery?
- Something to speed up that party.
After about hour there were more than 50 people, most of them from school, some from neighborhood. Music was loud, there was a lot of drinks and kissing couples. Olivia was delighted because she had finally managed to draw Adam's attention. She had been in love with him for few months now. I was little dazed, even without any alcohol.
- Drink or dance? – Marcus showed up in front of me with glass of something blue.
- I don't like blue drinks.
- So?
- Dance.
He took me to living room, where some couples and groups of people were already dancing. "Living next door to Alice" was playing when we started to move, first without any synchronization, but with every second he was hugging me tighter. I was trying to put myself in mood to happily welcome his kiss, cause I was sure that in a minute that would happen. And it happened. But I couldn't kiss him back, so I ran away. I went upstairs, to Olivia's bedroom.
- Fuck, it shouldn't end up that way. – I said it aloud to myself, but it turned out that I wasn't alone there.
- What?
- Hm? – I turned on light. Some unknown girl was lying on Olivia's bed. – What are you doing here?
- Hide from stupid kids. And you?
- I'm hiding too.
- From what?
- From … kiss.
She stood up, came to me and without any warning, she kissed me. First very gently, but when I started to kiss her back, our lips and tongues were joined together in passionate kiss. When we parted, I couldn't reach my breath and she gave me cheeky look, what didn't help at all.
- It is not the best hideout, if you want to run away from kisses.
- Now, I know. – I felt that I was burning because of embarrassment. She was a stranger and we kissed … and I loved it. All of that was too much.
- But your lips didn't seem to hide. – She winked. – I'm Veronica, and you?
- I'm … just forget about it. I have to go.
Back in present time
It had been so long ago. Like in the other lifetime. But while listening to that song, besides memories, some crazy thought occurred to me that my unconscious patient was no longer unnamed stranger – for me from that moment she would be Alice, I would call her by that name cause in my mind it fitted perfectly for that long-haired blondie. It was even more strange but I was proud of my invention.
During next song, which happened to be "We found love" by Rihanna, not my favorite one anyway, but maybe she used to listen to it, I had to face it that we were from different generations. I had no idea how old she was, but definitely much younger than me. Anyway I was carefully studying her body – facial expressions, hands, legs, but nothing changed, there was no moves. In the meantime I started to listen more carefully to the lyrics, it wasn't so stupid song after all.
You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you
And when it's over, and it's gone
You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back
So that you could have the good
"You almost wish that you could have that bad stuff back so that you could have the good – there is something true in it. Happiness mixed with hurting is still thousand times better than emptiness, everything is better than that." Unexpectedly doctor Balder's voice caught me and brought back to reality.
- It's a beautiful Sunday morning and I didn't have to come here to be sure that I would find you at work.
- John, I'm not at work, you won't have to pay me any extra money for hours I'm spending here. – I smiled to reassure him, but I expected that was not the point.
- You know that I'm not worried about money Susan.
- So about what? I won't do anything what could be bad for her or for hospital.
- For God's sake, I know that.
- So why have I just heard concern in your voice? – Why was I so stupid to ask that question, fuck. I predicted, maybe even was sure already why he was concerned.
- You have suffered from great lost, everybody can see that still you are not ok, maybe it won't ever happen, so I'm worried that you are looking for substitutes in not so right place.
- In hopeless place? – I repeated part of lyrics, from song which was still playing in the background.
- What?
- I think that you maybe want to sing along, cause you know chorus for that song. – I forced a smile.
- It's one good think that maybe there is a chance to get back your long lost sense of humor.
- Maybe. But boss, it's not that I'm looking here for something, I just want to help her, she has nobody here, she is in coma, it's important to be around, to talk to her …
- Ok, ok, if you say so, but if you ever need anybody to talk to, I'm here.
- I know. Boss? John?
- Yes?
- I didn't have occasion and time to check it for myself, but what's about her insurance, as long as we don't know her ID? Won't it be a problem for hospital?
- They have luck in all this mess, transport company took care of every victim from that accident, probably for marketing reasons, but still ... so she can stay here in coma as long as she wants to. – He smiled and winked.
- I hope that she won't take advantage of that opportunity.
- Me too. It was a joke.
- I know.
- Susan, I'm going home now, you should do the same, ok?
- Restarting order treat once again?
- No, just friendly advice.
- Yes, sir.
He had been my friend, for very long time. Not close one, but I had no close friends at all. But he was the one who could look through me, even during my marriage, he had been the only one, who sometimes had noticed that there could have been clouds in paradise.
I was left in the room with her alone again, but in few minutes, before I was ready to leave, some therapist came. I totally forgot that since we had taken of her gypsum and stiffening yesterday, from Sunday she would be getting rehabilitation to get her muscles alive.
- Hello. – I didn't know him. Maybe he noticed that in my questioning look cause he hurried to introduce himself. – I'm Danny, I will be working with that sleeping beauty.
- Hi. – I said briefly, but he reciprocated the inquisitive look, so I was forced to do the same. – My name is Susan, nice to meet you, take good care of her.
- Aye Aye sir! – He smiled. – I promise that to you, to her …? – He definitely ended that sentence with pause and question mark.
- Mother? – I said it out laud with strange voice, what surprised even myself. Why did I say that without thinking. Of course that he was asking about that who I was for her but, mother? My answer was inexplicable.
- No, lady I have eyes I see that you are too young for that. – He was smiling, waiting for my answer, but that situation made me wonder again how old could she be? Twenty maybe nineteen, she was very young so I could be her mother, if I had begun very early. It gave me strange feeling. But he was staring at me, so I had to focus and answer.
- I'm not from her family, I'm a doctor here.
- I apologize for familiarity, I'm new here. – I didn't know it was sincere or sarcastic statement.
- That's ok. So please start your exercises, I will watch for a minute, if you don't mind.
- It's not a problem, can I call you doc? – According to his facial expression and body language, I was sure, he was flirting with me or at least wanted to impress me. Maybe it was both of it at the same time.
I was watching while he was touching and moving her arms and legs. These were gentle, light moves, it was just beginning of therapy. She was lying there so calm, without any symptoms of life, except breathing. I had to admit it, once again, that I was staring. I even noticed that nurses probably had shaved her legs for rehabilitation. "What the fuck – what is wrong with me?" I decided to go out immediately.
- See you next time Danny.
- Bye, doc, I mean Susan.
- Take good care of Alice.
- Alice? Nice, but why there is no name on her card.
I felt embarrassment, but I had to say something. Silence was even stranger and more uncomfortable.
- She is unidentified but I gave her that name after Smokie's song, I think that it suites her.
- You are right doc, I have always imagined the next door girl Alice as a fragile, blonde beauty, and there she is Sleeping Beauty.
I laughed and went out of the room. All of that was strange. I took a walk to cemetery, leaving my car on parking outside the hospital. I had to think and focus on my routine. I had to think straight.
Lyrics used in this chapter
Smokie "Living next door to Alice"
Rihanna "We found love"