Disclaimer: Lily!Sakura/Sasori is so my bitch. Everyone else, however, is Kishimoto's.
Warning: Innuendos, GORE, violence, language, etc
Beta: That's it! I give up! I NEED A BETA. IF YOU WANT TO BETA THIS STORY / EDIT / LET ME BOUNCE PLOT HOLES OFF YOU. JUST. YOU KNOW. PM ME. Or not. I'll just sit here by my lonesome self... wondering who the hell reads these top A/N.
My head still rang from last night, and from Ibuse's tongue lashing. I never would have imagined my precious pet could be so… so… stubborn.
Or to have known me so well – well enough that he knew things I didn't even realize about myself.
I guess that's what happens, though, when you share everything with someone, and when you trust them implicitly. I trusted Ibuse's judgment – not only because I trusted him, but because it felt pretty damn right.
I didn't particularly like that idea, though.
Did this era really change me so much?
True, I had been here for a decade, I guess some changes were bound to happen, but…
Had I really numbed myself?
I stopped walking when I reached Hashirama's bedroom. It was still fairly early in the morning, and I could hear his snores even from outside. Reaching up, I climbed in through his window and sat on the ledge. Hashirama was sleeping soundly below me.
My eyes locked onto his sleeping face, as I continued to think. Is it possible? Am I really so… different?
Hashirama snorted and rolled over.
Would I really numb myself like Ibuse said? Would I really…?
Dragging my eyes away from him, I glanced out at the bustling compound. A frown marred my face for a brief moment before I made up my mind.
I climbed out of Hashirama's window, a destination set in my mind.
( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)
I stared at all the pictures I had drawn; at all the flowers I had collected for them. My eyes roamed around the little nook I had created for them. I came here when I missed them – I used to come here so much in the beginning.
The pain in my chest when I saw their faces had dulled over the years, as I slowly came to accept that they were gone. Staring at them now, though, I tried desperately to scrounge up anything for them.
My heart still constricted, and my stomach still knotted, but nothing else came. There was no longing, or regret – there was just discomfort.
In my second life (and first… and I suppose now third) I had a habit of storing my emotions; of shoving them so far down inside of me until I just couldn't feel them anymore.
Missing them was painful. Over the years, perhaps instead of coming to acceptance, I was just shoving the pain away; because I didn't want to deal with that pain – maybe that was why I argued with Ibuse. I tried to give so many other reasons; I tried to rationalize it in my own way, but Ibuse called me out on it.
I didn't like dealing with pain, period. I didn't want to make that choice – that choice Ibuse told me I would have to make – but in the end, I wouldn't get the option to say no. In the end, I would have to choose.
I wanted to make the easier choice and just… just carry on like nothing happened. Pretend I never summoned Ibuse, play make-believe that we never had that argument. It wouldn't be so different from what I did before in my second life. If I carried on like nothing happened, then I wouldn't have to deal with missing them. I wouldn't have to deal with that choice, or anything.
Ibuse said so himself – I would numb myself.
But did I want that?
I didn't know.
Either way I lost. Stay here, pretend nothing happened and eventually become so apathetic I couldn't scrounge up a reason to smile. Get in contact with them, re-connect and then be forced to make that choice.
I fell back on my butt, unable to find the strength to stand anymore.
What can I do?
( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)
(Flash back to the argument!)
"I changed my mind," I said, looking up at the night sky.
_Hmm?_
"I don't think I want to write a letter," I said, still staring up at the sky. It was a pretty blue, with no clouds in sight. I laid on top of Ibuse outside of my little home. I had taken a quick power nap before waking up, wide eyed (and a bit hungry), in the middle of the night.
_Why not?_
"I'm dead to them," I reasoned, "and they've been dead for me for years. I'm not returning – don't want to. What good will writing letters do them?"
_Closure? Why don't you want to return?_
"I like it here," I said, sitting up. "It's more interesting."
_What do you mean?_
I gestured out to the open sky. "Look, it's quite clear that I'm not in the same timeline as I was. I'm not in the world I worked hard to help shape anymore – I'm in a completely different field. Anything can happen."
_...I do not understand…?_
"Okay, well, you know my story, Ibuse," I said, sitting up. "I died, got reborn and… well, had a helluva adventure. For a long time, I thought that I just wanted to help them, you know? And I did. Do. Whatever. I had some scary times – sometimes I thought that I might die again, but then…
"Coming into this new world… the violence… the not knowing… the thrills… the dangerous situations… I realized… I really like it. I like it here – I like it in both of the worlds. I liked taking risks with the Akatsuki; I liked taunting Tobi; I liked going to war… I liked it.
"With the war over, though, and everyone pretty much getting their happy endings… I feel like that adventure is closed. I feel like… I feel like it's boring."
_And here it is not boring?_
"Not even a little bit," I answered. "Because anything can happen now – and given this violent era, things aren't going to get boring any time soon."
_So you are staying because you enjoy the violence? You enjoy the danger?_
I laid back down on Ibuse, nodding my head. "Yes. I suppose I am. You already know in my first life I was… a little off."
Ibuse shifted beneath me. _What are you getting at, hime?_
"I'm getting at the fact that I'm not normal," I said, rolling over onto my side. "Not in the head, at least, and I'm totally okay with that. I like it that way. Lot more fun and it works well for me in this world. Do you know why it works well for me in this world, my darling Ibuse?"
Ibuse shook his head.
"Do you know what schizophrenia is?" I asked Ibuse. "It's basically a loss of reality; unable to comprehend a situation in some cases (other cases may just be hallucinations). When I was first diagnosed, it was terrifying. All I saw were variants of the boogeyman and other gruesome things. I was scared all the time. But, you know, after a while, I just... stopped. I stopped disliking what I saw. I can't explain it - something just happened, just snapped inside of me. It wasn't scary anymore... it was... entertaining. You know why I was able to smile and laugh so often in the second life? No normal person would be able to do that. A sane person wouldn't be able to – shouldn't be able to, at least in my second life. But, I could... and I did.
"I was the only one who really did that, too. I don't think the others had as much fun as I did, and I guess that made me a bit lonely. They didn't see what I saw - they weren't as entertained as I was. Here, though? In this third life? Madara lives for it, and when Hashirama gets in the groove, he's a meticulous sadist. In this day and age, it's fight after fight after fight. Psychopaths and maniacs at every other corner – betrayal behind the next one, or a twist thrown in at the third! Boogeyman after boogeyman. It's a fun. I can laugh in battle, and I don't have to laugh alone, either. I like that, Ibuse. I like fighting and I like fighting with someone who likes it, too.
"I can't explain why I wasn't afraid anymore in my first life. Maybe it was just a defense mechanism developed by my subconscious - a rewrite of what I find enjoyable. I was young when it happened, so it's possible, I suppose. Or maybe I was just born that way. I don't know. All I know is that it's not normal - it's not normal for my first life, and it's not normal for my second life. This life, on the other hand...
"And besides... I feel valued here, Ibuse. While I know those people care about me, they don't need me. Here, on the other hand, I am needed. And… and… I can fight and laugh at the same time and no one would think twice about it – I can even fight and laugh with someone, side by side. I'm not the only weird one here."
Ibuse was quiet for several minutes, taking in this blunt information.
It seemed so selfish (and wrong) when I said it out loud – and it was. But, it was my life. I wanted to live it the way I enjoyed it. I helped out who I could, I worked my little tail off to make them happy. Now, though? I wanted to make me happy.
Besides, I was already dead in their eyes. What good would talking to them through a letter do them?
Ibuse finally shook his head. _ Liar. Sakura-hime, I'm going to have to insist you at least talk to them. I won't try and persuade you into going back, but don't you care about them?_
"Of course care about them," I said. "I wouldn't have worked so hard if I didn't… I just… it's been years, Ibuse, almost a decade. I've made my peace!"
_Do you not miss them?_
"Yes, I miss them," I sighed. "I just… I just don't see the point in drudging it up. I'm not going back – not ever – and the only way to talk to them is with letters, right? There's a reason long distance relationships don't work, Ibuse. It's only going to be harder for them."
_ And you know that for a fact, hime?_
I folded my arms across my chest stubbornly.
_Hime, please. For me. _
I groaned. "No, don't pull that."
_Please? _
Moaning, I buried my face in my hands. "I just want to move on with my life! While it would be super awesome to have my harem back, I know that's not going to happen. It's not the same talking to someone through letters – and considering the time difference what might me a day to them could be months to me. That's… that's…"
_I think that the real reason you don't want to do the letters, is because you are afraid you will miss them more._
Wincing, I pretended not to hear that particular comment.
_I think that you are trying very hard not to care about them, because you found something you sincerely enjoy. I think you believe if you contact them, you will miss them, and eventually staying here will be harder. You will be forced to choose two things that you love – your friends, and this era. You are afraid of that choice, hime. You are afraid of that choice, because there is no winning in that choice. You will lose either way, and you will spend the rest of your life wondering if you made the right choice._
My hands curled into fists and I rolled over on my belly. "Why do you have to know me so well? Why?"
_Because I care about you, hime. And it is because I care about you, that I know you need to write to them – for both of your sake. You talk of violence with such ease and such nonchalance. The hime I knew would be more disinclined to it, even if she was a bit off. She had her lines that she did not cross – she cried for every patient she lost. The one I see now, though, is not the same hime._
_You have changed, my sweet hime. This place has dulled your emotions and hardened your heart. You already had difficulty connecting with others you did not already have a heart for, but you still tried. You still mourned their loss. How many patients have you lost in this world?_
My eyes closed. "… Five."
_How many have you mourned for?_
"… Two."
_Do you see, hime? This era is a violent and cruel era. There is a reason why there is only one Madara. Why only one man is capable of starting the Fourth Great War with such little apprehension – and he was born and bred in this timeline. You have been here for a decade, and already you have lost some of your conscience._
"That could just be my mental illness kicking in," I protested weakly. "Maybe it's just catching up to me. I was only in my second life for a handful of years – this life I've been in for an entire decade. Maybe I'm just losing touch with reality."
_Maybe you are just assuming you have the same illness because you are used to having it. Is it really likely that your physical body is so akin?_
"Is it likely to travel back in time?" I retorted.
Yes.
"What?"
_Do you remember when you talked to me about what happened with you and the real Sakura?_
"Yes?"
_I believe what happened to your reincarnation in the first place, is similar to what has happened here._
"Elaborate."
_Not yet, hime. I must consult with the Elders first, but I will when I am more certain of my theory._
I frowned, but did not press.
_Back to my point, though, I believe you need to write to them. I believe you need to stay in contact with them. Not because they think you are dead, or because you miss them; but because you need them. You cannot afford to lose more of yourself to this era, hime, for I fear there will be no turning back._
"What makes you think I want to turn back?" I rebutted. "I like it here, remember? I like the violence."
_As do all kunoichi to some extent, but I know that you never liked the violence in your second life. You liked the thrills, yes, the danger, most definitely, but never the violence. You say you like it now – but do you really?_
Pursing my lips, I chose not to respond. I disliked how accurate Ibuse was of the situation.
_I think that you want to like the violence. I think you want this adventure to be up to all your expectations, and for that to happen, you believe you need to like the violence. You say you want to be important – don't we all? – and I believe that. In this era, to stand out, you need to thrive in combat. Again; you believe the best way to do that is to enjoy it. But that's not you, Sakura._
"You're such a mean therapist," I muttered petulantly.
Ibuse purred. _I only want you to be happy, Sakura, and I know that if you continue on this path – and if I do not intervene and insist upon this – then you will ultimately be unhappy. You will have numbed yourself so much to the point where you can no longer find a reason to smile. I do not want that for you, hime. So please… listen to me._
I placed my hands over my eyes. "My God, I love you and hate you so much at this moment. It's such an odd feeling."
(End flash back!)
( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)
I had left the little nook.
I sat outside my home, just sitting in the grass and staring out at the stream.
What did I choose?
"Sasori?"
I looked up to find Hashirama peering through the trees. He hopped down from a tree branch and walked over to me, and then he sat down beside me. He was looking at me closely. "Are you okay?"
"What makes you ask that?"
"I know you were at my window, but you didn't do anything," Hashirama said seriously. "You never leave an opportunity open like that."
"How do you know I was there?" I asked incredulously. "Maybe you were just dreaming about me."
"Tobirama saw you."
Frowning, I nodded my head. "He would never dream about me, so it's safe to say I actually was there."
"Were you?"
"Yes."
"Why didn't you do anything?"
I shrugged. "Didn't feel like it."
"Why not? What's wrong?"
Sighing, I laid back in the grass, spreading my arms out and closing my eyes. "Just been thinking."
Hashirama poked me in the side and I spasmed, cringing away from his ticklish finger. I opened my eyes to glower at him, sticking my tongue out. Hashirama smiled brightly at me, repositioning himself to get a better shot at tickling my side.
"Come on, tell me about it or else I'll tickle you mercilessly."
Sticking my nose up in the air, I huffed. "Friends don't torture information out of each other."
"You're right, but best friends do," Hashirama said, his grin widening; it was starting to remind me of Madara's.
Groaning, I rolled away from him, flopping onto my belly and sighing. My voice came out muffled from the grass and I said, "I just found out that I could talk to my family again, okay? That maybe they aren't dead."
"That's wonderful!"
"No, it isn't," I snapped. "Because it means if I do talk to them, I might have to leave here… forever."
Silence fell across us, until a third voice spoke.
"What?"
Lifting my head, I looked up to find Madara staring at me with a carefully blank expression. Turning away, I glanced over at Hashirama and found him looking down, his brow furrowed and his lips tugged down. With a sigh, I rolled back over on my back again, still feeling restless, and said, "That's just how it is. I don't want to make that choice – I don't want to choose between this family I have now, and the one I used to have. If I contact them, I'll have to make that choice, but if I don't contact them…"
There was a significant pause before Hashirama spoke. His voice was hesitant and quiet. "We… don't want you to go, of course, Sasori. But, this is your family, right? You miss them, don't you?"
I shrugged. "They've been dead in my eyes for a decade. I miss them, but… I guess I sort of made my peace."
"How many get the chance to say they got their family back?" Hashirama inquired. "I say you should talk to them - at least let them know you're okay."
Madara came over to us, his eyes narrowing. "Don't be stupid, Sasori. Just talk to them. Or else."
"Or else what?"
"Or else I'll shave your hair while you sleep," Madara threatened.
"You would think that was a threat, you shallow princess," I mocked.
Madara's hands curled into fists. "Call me that again, you peasant."
"Maddie-hime, Maddie-hime, Maddie-hime, pretty-petty Maddie-hime," I sung.
"You think he's pretty?" Hashirama inquired while Madara's face darkened and he started to crack his knuckles.
I blinked innocently. "You do, too. What with the way you stare at him. Should I tell Mito-hime she has competition?"
Hashirama delivered the first blow to my nose, while Madara followed up with a sucker punch in the gut.
Wheezing, I clutched at my bleeding nose. "Wh... Wha... Whatever. I know you both ha... have the hots for me!"
I actually got a concussion for that remark.
Worth it.
( ｡◕‿‿◕｡)
I held out the folded up scroll to Ibuse. He purred at me, his tongue sticking out as he wrapped it around the scroll.
Clutching my still-sore head, I gave a sigh. "Given the time differences, I'll summon you back in about a month or so. That should be, like, a day or whatever for their time. And while you're there, ask Tsunade where the hell the slug summons are for this day and age. And see if you can find out where this current timeline's salamanders are! I'll kill whoever the hell I need to, seeing how I can't summon you willy-nilly anymore."
Ibuse cocked his head. _I shall. And I will continue to look into why it is you are here - and see if my theory is correct._
I crinkled my nose. "I still can't believe the timeline hasn't changed."
Ibuse shook his head. _It only means you moved to a different realm, hime, like you did before._
"And hopefully the last time it happens."
_Hopefully. Regardless, you and I are bound tightly. Wherever you go, you will always be able to call on me._
"Thanks, buddy. One day, I promise we'll rule the world together."
_... I will see you later, hime._
"Later," I sighed as Ibuse puffed away. "Ah, well. No going back now. Wonder if I should start preparing for a proper assassination in order to get this world's salamanders...?"
Read top A/N beta slot please and thank you? :)
Oh my RAMEN KING. Did I just do CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT in a CRACK story? Holy shit.
But in all seriousness, though, like I said earlier (or thought I said… definitely thought it) this story will also be to add in some plot holes from the first story. One of those holes was Sakura's eccentric and sociopathic nature. Fun fact: I considered making Lilly a psychopath in the first story, but decided against it because I wasn't in the mood for gore at the time.
Taking into consideration what a sociopath would do in the Narutoverse (half assedly), I just ran with it in the first story. What would someone do if they had little to no barriers of self-restraint, self-preservation, or morals? Granted, I gave Lilly some of those morals, but it could be argued they were obligatory morals given to her by Sakura (aka Inner).
In this story, I considered what kind of effect this era would have on such a person. I brushed up on it a bit in the Kaguya fight chapter; how she just crushed someone's head without pause or hesitation, before going about her merry little way. It was even in the earlier chapters, such as when she massacred those bandits.
Eh. Sorry for the more serious turn on the story – though it's still more cracky than serious in my mind – but I really do want to cover those nasty plot holes.
Besides. It makes it interesting to write (I think). I just love me my insane characters! Minor plot twist as far as the plot twists I have planned go.
So yeah, Ibuse totally called Lilly out on that bullshit and verbally bitch slapped her into place. Go Ibuse!
I think it's cute how most of you think the whole Asao plot twist thing ended in the last chapter. Ohohoho.
Fanart~ Glorious fanart~ Thank you, GlacialisD, Midnighter67, yvonna-med, and maskedbeauty09! Links should be on profile, unless FF is fickle, or ya can check out their deviantART gallery.
Answer: Pokemon SoulSilver and HearGold.
Question: WHO WOULD BE IN YOUR DREAM HAREM? UP TO 7 PEEPS!
Reviews are love!
Next chapter will have the letter in. Ohohoho.