Daddy, by Korn

Letting them fucking use you.

Jeremy stared at Michael. The words cut through his paranoia, leaving him still.

Until the anger came.

"... who cares."

Michael took another step forward, frowning. "Jeremy-"

"No." Jeremy put up both of his hands. On the defensive. "No. Fuck you, Michael. Stop… s-stop acting like you fucking care, you fucking asshole ."

They both went silent as his vitriol sank in.

Michael, looking as if he'd just been slapped, took a moment to shake his shock, before he opened his mouth to speak. Jeremy beat him to it.

"Don't. No one is ever… at least I have something ." He was shaking, with his jumbled thoughts struggling to translate. "If I don't do this, I'm alone. So… s-so why does it matter? Who cares? You? Am I making y-you uncomfortable?"

His own words left Jeremy reeling; he stumbled backwards, side to side, balancing precariously on his heels. "Should I just… sh-should I just die? What do you want? "

Michael physically recoiled. "Hey… h-hey, Jer, that's not-"

"Shut up. Shut up ." Jeremy tugged at the sleeve of his cardigan, pulling it from his arm so he could claw at the skin again. Scabs peeled away, and blood started to drip from his fingers. "Why are you here? Is it pity? 'Poor Jeremy, his mom doesn't love him and his grandfather fucked him.' "

... his grandfather.

His grandfather's hands, over his body, and...

Oh.

Oh God.

"... dude-"

"Oh fuck off , you know this! Fucking... everyone does, don't they? They can all see me, they-they can all-they can all see this!" He threw his arms out, presenting himself as if a sacrifice. "They can see his hands on me, and… a-and... fuck, you wanna know why I've been avoiding you? Because n-now I'mremembering! Now I know too! I just-I went out, on a fucking date, just a normal goddamn date, and all I wanted… all I w-wanted was to feel like I had control over myself, and the whole fucking dam broke loose!"

His hand clutched at his chest, the feeling of air in his lungs suffocating, as if it'd expand around his heart and he'd surely drop dead. He was panting, gasping in a flurry of words, with such little control of himself, spiraling down.

But.

For one second-

Just one second-

He snapped back to the Present, and saw Michael.

Michael, staring back at him.

Michael, eyes wide and mouth gaping.

Michael, who looked like…

Like...

He didn't know.

But he does now.

The horror of what Jeremy was saying started to really sink in, but it was too late. His guts were spilling freely.

"I was a child, Michael. I was so young, and I had no idea what was happening, you know? How could I? I was just so confused and... Oh, God, it hurt, it hurtso bad , how could anything hurt that bad?"

Jeremy felt so small. He wrapped his arms around his stomach, feeling so hopelessly pathetic. "I never wanted to feel like that again, but I let them… I f-fucked someone, and I d-didn't want… God, Michael, I've always been so fucking ruined. "

Everything about you is terrible, Jeremy.

You're doing so good, baby.

"... This is really all I am, isn't it?" It felt so obvious now. How hadn't he noticed before? "I guess I thought I was worth… something. I thought, maybe, I had a future. That's stupid, right? Like, here I am, sucking off any guy that gives me the time of day. I chose another easy option as soon as I had the chance. I really… I'm truly w-worthless after all."

He laughed, and then let his arms drop to the side. Everything felt so swollen and heavy.

"I wish I could've told you I was doing this. I wish I felt comfortable like I used to, but I just... you have someone who loves you. You deserve people who love you. But I don't. I'm just a stupid, spoiled, selfish brat whose mom never even liked him. How pathetic is that? I'm so fundamentally broken that I had to buy a fucking pill to fix myself, and it didn't even work . I just… I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm l-like this. I'm sorry I can't... I c-can't stop talking, I can't stop, they won't stop, he wouldn't stop, and I just-"

As he looked up, his eyes caught Michael's, and saw

Despair.

Clear as day.

Finally, his mouth shut. His world was unraveling right in front of him, and so his knees wobbled. All he could do was watch it his life fall through tears streaming down Michael's face.

Until he was falling, too.

Legs crumpling under him, Jeremy bit at his hand and his wrist, trying to keep himself from screaming. Finally, sobs, like waves, crashed over, muffled by his skin.

"Jeremy…"

He let his hand drop only when he was sure he'd stay quiet.

"Jeremy."

Michael was standing in front of him.

"... I'm so sorry."