Head Trauma and Coercion
The Quartermaster drags Jack into Blackbeard's cabin, which is still a little smoky, and duct tapes him to the ceiling. Blackbeard is sitting at his desk, searching through the drawers.
Jack: I've decided that the Fountain of Youth is probably lame, so if you just drop me off at the nearest port, you can have it all to yourself.
Blackbeard totally ignores him, and keeps rummaging around in his desk.
Jack: Hello?
No response.
Jack: Hey, Captain Blackbeard, your ship's on fire.
Still no response.
Jack: Your daughter's pregnant and I'm the father.
Blackbeard is still paying more attention to the contents of his desk, and getting more and more agitated. Jack randomly finds a pair of scissors in his pocket and cuts himself out of the duct tape, then he holds the scissors like a dagger and approaches Blackbeard's desk in stealth mode.
Blackbeard: Dang it! I can't find it anywhere!
Jack hides the scissors and grins innocently.
Jack: Find what?
Blackbeard: That's the worst part. I don't even remember what I'm looking for.
Pause.
Blackbeard: Wait, when did you get here?
Jack: *sigh* Never mind.
Blackbeard: Well, while you're here, maybe you can tell me how to get to the Fountain of Youth.
Jack: First tell me why you're so distracted all the time.
Blackbeard: Traumatic head injury left over from my first execution. Years ago some hotheaded lieutenant tried to behead me, but someone knocked the guillotine over and it landed on my head instead, which sorta scrambled my brains.
Jack: Sucks to be you.
Pause.
Blackbeard: Sorry, what was that?
Jack: I'm going to have so much fun with this.
Blackbeard: With what?
Jack: With the stegosaurus behind you!
Blackbeard turns to look. Jack raises the scissors again to stab Blackbeard, but Blackbeard looks back and sees him.
Blackbeard: You found my scissors! That's what I was looking for! Thanks so much!
Jack hands over the scissors.
Blackbeard: Now if only I could remember what I needed them for…
He strokes his beard as he contemplates, and notices it's full of soot from the toast-making disaster. Then he spends five minutes wiping his beard clean. When all the black soot is out, Jack notices that Blackbeard's beard isn't acutally black. It's green.
Jack: Uh, one more question. Your, uh, beard… it's, um, well it's not black..
Blackbeard: *sigh* I know, I know. It was supposed to be one of those two-day color jobs, you know, just for St. Patrick's Day, but I think I used the wrong kind of dye.
Jack: Yeah, considering it's July.
Pause.
Blackbeard: Wait. Wait a minute. Did you say that Angelica's pregnant?
Jack gets confused, then remembers that he did in fact utter those words.
Jack: Oh. That. I was just trying to get your attention.
Blackbeard: So she's not pregnant?
Jack: Not by me. It's been like seven years since we –
Blackbeard: Since you did what?
Jack: Um… played checkers…
Blackbeard picks up a voodoo doll dressed like Jack.
Jack: And why do you even care whether Angelica and I did or didn't, uh, play checkers? She's not even your daughter anyway.
Blackbeard: Strike two.
Jack: What is this, golf?
Angelica enters the room.
Angelica: Hey, everybody!
Jack: Oh, Angelica, so glad you're here. I'm getting hungry. Do you think you could make me a sandwich?
Blackbeard: Strike three.
Blackbeard stabs the voodoo doll with the scissors, and Jack doubles over holding his stomach.
Jack: Never mind, I think I'm gonna hurl.
Angelica: Father, cut it out. He'll help us.
Jack: I will?
Blackbeard: Cut it out, you say?
He pokes the doll's shoulder with the scissors, and carves the shape of an angry bird into Jack's shoulder.
Angelica: Dad, I know you think puns are hilarious, but you're pretty much the only one.
Besides Agent047's sister's biology teacher, that is.
Jack frowns at the angry bird shape in his shoulder.
Jack: Couldn't you have at least made it something cool? Like a lightning bolt?
Angelica: Jack, just shut up and agree to help us.
Blackbeard: Did he just say Angry Birds wasn't cool? I'll show you not cool.
He dangles the doll upside down over a random candle. Jack clutches at his head.
Blackbeard: What would be super-cool is if you could help us find the Fountain.
Jack: Could I have an aspirin first?
Blackbeard: Do I look like a pharmacist to you?
Jack: Just take the stupid doll away from the fire!
Blackbeard: What doll?
Angelica rolls her eyes and takes the voodoo doll from Blackbeard. Jack looks mighty relieved.
Blackbeard: Oh. That doll. Sorry.
Jack: Just show me your charts.
Here's your weekly update! I hope you're still enjoying Blackbeard and everyone else. Leave a review! :)