9. Bad Edward! No Peeking.

Edward's Car:

Bella: Can I ask just one more? Pretty, pretty please??? My God divine?

Edward: One. Good lord, please let it just be one. NotObsessive!Bella was pretty cool… this one, not as much.

Bella: *Proceeds to ask WAY more than one question* How did you know where I was going? How does the mind-reading thingy work? Can you read anyone's mind? How do you do it? Why can't you hear me? Am I a freak?

Edward: Ughhh. I can smell you. Mind reading's kinda self-explanatory. Not yours. Again, self-explanatory. I don't know. And yes… I mean, no?

browniechadowes: Edward, you forgot "yes, no, to get to the other side, and the square root of pi"

Stephenie: *glares* That's in the movie version.

browniechadowes: Oooohh, well that makes sense. I was a little confused, because that line's slightly witty.

Stephenie: Why does no one think I'm funny?

Bella: Holy…wait… does this really say "holy crow"? Who in God's name has ever said that before in their life? Gah, I can deal with the obsessive Edwardness, but take away my collection of curse words, and you make a very grumpy Bella. Holy shit!

Stephenie: Bella….. *brings out bag of bagels*

Bella: *pouts* I mean, Holy crow! Slow down!

Edward: But I am indestructible and have never had a ticket… and am basically the shit.

Bella: I tricked Jacob into telling me about you… by flirting – it worked better than I thought it would.

Edward: And you accused me of dazzling people – poor Jacob Black *smirks*. Okay, someone please note the sarcasm in my voice. Has Bella ever even tried to flirt with me, let alone some random hot package of underagedness? No? Thought not.

Bella: How old are you?

Edward: Seventeen.

Bella: How long have you been seventeen?

Orchesta: *maestro waves baton* Bum, bum, buuuuuuuuuuum…

Edward: A while. Wow, that's actually just a little disconcerting. Says here I'm about a century old. Besides the obvious necrophilia issue, now we are faced with a little statutory rape problem… good thing I am too gentlemanly and chaste to let Bella pop my cherry.

Bella: Okay!

Edward: And we don't burn in the sun, sleep in coffins, or drink human blood. But we are still very very dangerous!

Bella: I don't understand *scratches head*

Edward: You don't understand that blood craving vampires are dangerous. Note to self: Bella has officially become a lost cause.

Bella: Why weren't you at school? Leaving me all by myself, alone and depressed? Why, Edward, why!!!!!! Ok, Steph, I am now becoming slightly psychotic.

Edward: I can't go out in the sunlight.

Bella: Why?

Edward: Ummm… well… *flips through manuscript, trying to find the meadow scene*

Stephenie: Bad Edward! No peeking. We need the element of surprise here. Really hype it up, so when you reveal yourself to her, it will be the most poignant point of the story yet. This is gonna be big, huge I say!!!

Edward: *slightly perplexed* I'll show you sometime.

Egoless!Bella: You could've called me.

Edward: I know you were okay. Ummm, hello, I was in the middle of sucking the blood out of mountain lions… did she really think I was going to stop to chat?

Egoless!Bella: But I MISSED YOU!!!!!

Edward: This is wrong. It's not safe. I'm dangerous.

Egoless!Bella: *fangirl drools* Dangerous, you say? Mmmmm take me now. Promise to be at school tomorrow? Don't you ever leave me, ever, ever, ever!

Edward: I promise. *Bella sniffs Edward's jacket, leaving a slight trail of snot on one of the sleeves* Urghh, good thing she smells so good, or that would really creep me out and be kinda disgusting You can keep it – you don't have a jacket for tomorrow.

Bella: I don't want to explain that to Charlie. Because coming back home with more clothes on is definitely more disconcerting than coming back with less on.

Edward: Don't go into the woods alone. This is in no way forshadowing the fact that there may be non-vegetarian vampires roaming around. I'm only worried about those rabid squirrels and ticks.

Bella: Why?

Edward: I'm not the only thing that likes blood out there. What? Ticks suck blood too! A little overdramatic? Maybe, but sometimes I just like watching Bella freak out. Sleep well *blows on Bella*

Bella: *stunned, dazzled, dazed… swooooon*

Edward: *chuckle* Tee hee, that's fun.

At Bella's House:

Bella: *calls Jessica* Hey, I left my coat in your car.

Jessica: Did she do Edward yet? Tell me what happened! You blade to my guillotine.

Bella: Um, tomorrow.

Jessica: Okay. You slut, you're probably still with him. Gaaahhh.

Bella's inner monologue: About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was… ugh, not again, Stephenie. I mean, lets look at this logically. I've talked to him once in the hospital, once in Biology, once at lunch, and he creepily stalked me all the way to Port Angeles today, nearly killing four guys. It is not possible to have spent around four hours total with someone and feel –

Stephenie: Okay, Bella, cut the drabble bull-crow.

Bella: ?

Stephenie: I don't curse. Anyway, I have given you SO MANY chances. Now, can you be a little more appreciative and do my bidding by falling in effing love with this sexy God man that I have created JUST FOR YOU? Otherwise, I'm just going to have to replace you with one of the drooling fangirls.

AbsolutelyAndUtterlyObsessedInLuuurve!Bella: *looks at group of dazed drooling fangirls in the corner and shivers* I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Edward: *shudders* That's so stalkerish. I mean, ya I followed her to Port Angeles, but it's not like I sneak into her room every night and watch her sleep… *flips through a few pages*… oh shit.