chapter ten: his sacrifice

may 3, 4:36 a.m.

It was eerily quiet.

Izaya even kept from humming or skipping; he walked quietly and tried to minimize the sound of gravel crunching beneath his shoes. There had been times where he'd come back to his office to Namie previously asleep on his couch, sitting up from the sound of the lock of the door clicking. She'd just be running her fingers through her hair as he'd walk in and judging by the blanket and dimmed lights, it was easy for him to figure out she'd been taking a quick cat nap. He'd tease her about being relaxed enough to fall asleep and she'd just glare at him over her shoulder.

"Why do you think I wake up when you come back?"

Adjusting his backpack, Izaya didn't even bother looking back. Every decision he'd made since middle school was one without regrets; regrets led to doubt, leading to weakness, and Izaya refused to show any signs of that. Confidence was crucial to the type of life he led; a moment spent doubting or reflecting would mean a moment someone would take advantage of. He knew that the safety that being with others was gone if he left, but Izaya had decided it was worth it to be able to concentrate on himself, use every resource he had to sustain himself.

He loved humans and he loved them, but that love wasn't self destructive and he wasn't going to give himself up for it.

They had passed a town a few miles back; with his gun and knife, Izaya was confident he'd be able to make it safely. He'd brought food with him; if any of the three had woken up while he was packing, he was ready to say that he had gotten hungry during night watch, knowing they would be too tired to question a very believable reason for Izaya shuffling around. The road had very few zombies, if any; while they were driving earlier that day, Izaya had been careful to examine both sides of the road. That was partly why he decided tonight had to be the night; good areas like this were rare.

He'd left the RV unattended but wasn't too concerned if, by change, a horde found it. They'd wake up at the first sound—Namie would, at least—and they'd be able to defend themselves. The three of them were very capable, especially together. That was the only thing Izaya would admit was nice about being with them.

He had made up his mind in Osaka, watching Shizuo. Izaya had put himself in danger by going back for him because Shizuo couldn't move from watching his dog being eaten, some stray he picked up. Shizuo was too kind, too soft to survive in a world like this, and while he had initiated the partnership because of his strength, Izaya had neglected to consider his personality. And when he had just run off to avoid watching Kadota being killed, it only reaffirmed Izaya's decision. Someone like Shizuo, though able to kill those monsters, was too guided by emotion to be able to act decisively and quickly.

Izaya wasn't going to put himself at any sort of risk because of someone else.

And he more than looked forward to finally being away from Shizuo.

He'd been cooped up in that RV for him for far too long. Even when they stopped, he was always very, very aware of Shizuo's presence. It made his blood curl, it made his stomach flip; it made Izaya feel disgusted, nauseated and he was barely able to suppress it for the sake of teamwork and survival.

When he decided he didn't need them, didn't need Shizuo anymore, it was absolutely liberating.

"Oi! Flea!"

…Well then.

Stopping immediately, Izaya gave a sigh, more annoyed than anything. It was easy to know that it was Shizuo who had stopped him, judging solely on the way he was addressed (Namie would use something far more insulting, Chikage would use his name) and voice. He looked over his shoulder and gave Shizuo a dry smirk, hands in his pockets still. "Isn't it a bit past Shizu-chan's bed time?" he called.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?!" Shizuo demanded. He was walking quickly, much faster than Izaya had been, in his effort to stay quiet. The blond caught up to him and Izaya narrowly avoided being grabbed by his coat, ducking and giving a slight frown as he straightened.

"Leaving."

Shizuo looked livid. "Why?!"

Izaya was quick to notice that Shizuo had changed, finding it amusing that despite his obvious depression and hopelessness about everything, he found it in himself to don a new outfit. Or maybe that was because of it; he felt everything was pointless, so he changed.

Or maybe his old clothes had Kasuka's blood on it, he realized suddenly and was rather annoyed that hadn't been his first thought. They'd been on the road and keeping their clothes clean quickly became low priority. Izaya was wearing the same thing he'd been wearing when they first met up, save the few washes. Between staying alive and making sure they had energy, their appearance didn't matter that much anymore. Not even to Namie.

Well, a bit to Namie. But not so much to the other three.

Shizuo donned sweat pants and a t-shirt, looking more like pajamas than an actual outfit. Izaya's eyes swept past him and saw a clothesline hastily constructed, giving a dry smirk. "Ah, Shizu-chan did laundry… even made a little drying rack. Impressive…"

"What the hell do you think you're doin'?" he snapped, keeping his eyes on Izaya suspiciously, like he expected him to dart off mid-conversation.

"Shizu-chan managed to go there, wash his clothes, come back, hang them up, and then notice I was gone? Impressive…!"

"I walked past you, you fuckin' moron! You were gone when I came back so I came looking for you! Thought you were goin' for some early mornin' stroll or some shit!"

Izaya looked surprised for a moment, depending on Shizuo's annoyance to not call him out on it. How lost in his own thoughts was he to not notice Shizuo leaving? That inattentiveness was worrisome and he wasn't sure if he could brush it off as a onetime thing; not noticing his surroundings would be lethal.

What is happening to me…? Troubling…

"…I see," he murmured, easily falling back into his normal façade and nodding. "Shizu-chan can go back now."

"I'm not goin' back until you tell me what's goin' on!"

Distantly, Izaya heard an owl hooting at how loud Shizuo was, eyes narrowed. "Keep your voice down or you'll attract zombies."

Shizuo looked annoyed but he ran a hand through his hair. When he spoke again, it was quieter, voice gruff. "What are you doing? You're just goin' to leave? Fuckin' selfish ass…"

"Traveling with people is weighing me down," Izaya answered calmly. "Besides, this way you'll have one fewer mouth to feed and one fewer person to watch out for. Everyone wins, aa?"

"No!" he snapped, turning to glare at Izaya. "Not everyone wins! It'll be dangerous if you're out there on your own! Didn't you approach me so you didn't have to be alone?! What the hell changed your mind?!"

"Shizu-chan did," Izaya answered coolly, watching surprise glimmer in his features. "Mm… how do I explain this? Shizu-chan has been… well, Shizu-chan has been feeling like a hindrance."

"…Hindrance?" he echoed quietly, sounding quiet and Izaya mentally gave a heavy sigh; he didn't like dealing with emotional, self-doubting and loathing Shizuo. "…What do you mean?"

"Well," Izaya sighed, turning to face him fully, "Shizu-chan's been incredibly emotional… over Vorona, my sisters, Kadota, Hachi… especially Kasuka."

He blinked and then his voice was loud again. "What the fuck did you expect?!" he yelled and despite expecting that reaction, Izaya was still annoyed by how loud he was, frowning. "He was my fuckin' brother! Of course I'm not some heartless asshole like you are! Some of us actually get upset over our family dying!"

"I didn't say Shizu-chan couldn't be upset," he continued quietly and calmly. "I'm saying Shizu-chan has, at times, been rendered entirely useless because of his emotions. Shizu-chan's like dead weight sometimes. You hardly respond and I wonder if you're going to freeze like today; you couldn't even move and I had to come back and drag you away. Shizu-chan can mourn. But I won't be around and let it put me at risk. Shizu-chan can be awfully selfish, yeah?"

He smirked. Shizuo had frozen while he was talking, head bowing and hands clenched. Izaya's gaze lingered for another moment, watched him and decided that Shizuo was probably going to be lost in his own thoughts for a bit. Turning, he began walking again. But he hadn't gone ten steps before Shizuo's voice rang out again, stopping him in his tracks.

"I'm not the selfish one."

"Oh?" he breathed, looking over his shoulder again, slightly surprised. While it wasn't odd for Shizuo to not agree with him, Izaya had been expecting the growing resentment and guilt to cause Izaya's words to actually affect him. The fact that he recovered quickly was a nice twist.

Izaya liked twists.

His head was still bowed and bangs along with the darkness made it difficult for Izaya to see his expression. Shizuo's shoulders were slightly rounded, hunching even more as he exhaled, repeating himself. "I'm not the selfish one," he mumbled. "…You are."

Izaya's brow knit. He shook his head and turned, feet beginning to carry him again, decided he didn't care and didn't have time for this.

But Shizuo kept talking, not caring if he was staying still or not.

"You're the selfish one for just leaving," he said, voice growing louder to make sure Izaya would be able to hear him. "You… when you're in a team, you have to make up for other's weaknesses! So, yeah, I'm fuckin' sorry about fucking up! But that's what you do when you work with someone! That's the whole point of working together. You're stronger because you cover each other's weak points! No wonder you're always fuckin' alone, you don't know how to be in a team!"

Izaya ignored him and kept walking. Shizuo swore and looked away, grumbling. One hand was on his hips while the other rose to run through his hair. Izaya kept walking but he kept his ears sharp, wanted to know what Shizuo was going to do. It would be far too easy to just walk away; Izaya was prepared to find some way to knock Shizuo unconscious if he needed to. Shizuo didn't give up but neither did Izaya.

"If you keep walking, I'm going to start following!" he heard snapped out of frustration. That elicited a dry laugh and Izaya turned again.

"And why is Shizu-chan so concerned about me?" he asked in a mocking manner. "I thought you hated me."

"I do," Shizuo growled, not missing a single beat. "But…"

"But?" Izaya prompted.

It was quiet. For a moment, Izaya thought Shizuo had nothing to say. But when he looked at Shizuo again, he knew that that wasn't the case; Shizuo was looking at him with an odd mix of hate and anger and annoyance but also something close to intrigue and disbelief. Shizuo's expression was strange, but nothing about Shizuo was even close to normal.

Finally, he spoke:

"…You're human. "

Izaya blinked.

"And," Shizuo continued, "it's our duty to help each other out and protect them. No matter what kind of a shitty ass personality you have and how selfish you are… you're still a human."

Shizuo fell silent again and Izaya just stared at him. His last words weighed in his mind and felt some sort of a veil left at Shizuo's blunt, honest words. Despite his immunity, he realized numbly, he was still human. He was still capable of dying. Just because he wouldn't rise as the undead didn't mean he couldn't die and he would still need someone to watch his back.

He suppose he may have underestimated what it would take to be alone in this world. Before the world went to hell, he was good at being alone, could easily make the connections he needed to further himself. But in this world, it would be much harder. There were fewer people to take advantage of and those few people would be far, far harder to gain the trust of and manipulate. If they had survived to this point, they wouldn't be the type of people Izaya normally sought out.

Despite what he thought about staying with them weighing him down, it was easy for Izaya to figure out that the benefits of having a group quickly outweighed that one negative. Even Shizuo, emotional as he was, could channel that anger, the way he had in Osaka. They'd worked well together; when they had a mutual enemy, both of them could focus on them, momentarily not suffocated by the fact that they hated each other.

This had probably been one of their calmest conversations. And as Izaya stared at him, he wondered if Shizuo had always been able to be this calm around him, or if the gravity of the world tired him out too much to try to kill him at every moment.

Whatever the reason, Shizuo was right.

It disgusted Izaya to admit that, to think that, but Shizuo was right.

"Fine."

Giving a sigh, Izaya began walking towards him rather slowly. Shizuo looked up, almost as if surprised that this was all it took. Izaya walked past him, hesitated for only a moment and a ghost of a curve hinted at his lips.

"I'll stay."

He looked over his shoulder and smirked, adding two words that had Shizuo looking disgusted and annoyed.

"For Shizu-chan."

may 3, 9:37 a.m.

"Are we there yet?"

"I don't fuckin' know."

"…But… you're driving…"

"You want me to punch you?!"

Remembering the last time Shizuo had punched him, Chikage took a step back, returning to the booths, steps shuffling a bit. Izaya was in the seat opposite of the one he chose, glancing at his shoulder when he winced a bit, having pressed that hand to the table as he sat down slowly. "Will you be able to defend yourself?"

"Haa…? Yeah, of course," he mumbled with a frown. "Something like this won't keep me down."

It was amazing, the difference in the way he addressed Shizuo and Izaya and then Namie.

After returning to the vehicle last night, Shizuo had checked his clothes before heading back to bed. Izaya climbed on and quickly put his backpack down, returning to the seat after assuring Shizuo he wouldn't leave again. Shizuo had regarded him warily and Izaya knew that until Namie woke up an hour later, Shizuo probably hadn't fully allowed himself to sleep.

Izaya had climbed into the cot above the one Shizuo slept in after a few hours, deciding he could at least use a little bit of rest. He slept for less than two hours before he was up again, climbing down the railing and catching sight of Shizuo with a piece of paper in his hand. He hadn't brought it up since, but Izaya did see him staring at the crumpled note Kasuka left him often. Shizuo noticed him once he was on the ground and he glared, muttering 'what're you lookin' at?' as he stood and slipped the note back into his wallet.

Izaya smirked.

"Is that your reason to keep living?"

Izaya's expression was malicious but his tone wasn't and Shizuo picked up on it. His clothes were dry, having been brought in by Namie, and Shizuo gave a nod as he began stripping, changing into them. "…Yeah."

His smirk remained, murmured 'whatever works for Shizu-chan' as he headed over to the table, where Namie was setting out breakfast, Chikage already sitting there helping out and continuing to try to flirt, despite her immediate shut-downs. Izaya gave a smirk at him and took a seat, waiting to be served. Shizuo came over once he was changed and the seat next to Izaya was empty and much more accessible. He stared but decided to wait until Namie had moved and sat next to Chikage instead, scowling at Izaya.

Namie glared at him. "It's too early for that."

Breakfast was quick and they were on the road again, Shizuo driving this time, making up for not having been on watch very long last night (he realized only after waking that he was supposed to keep watch after coming back; Namie wasn't too pleased with having an extra hour of watch, but she decided she didn't want to argue with him.) Namie had commented on Shizuo's "odd" behavior when she went to offer him part of an apple, saying that she'd expected him to sleep the entire day away, the way he had with Kasuka.

Kadota had died and Hachi had died, but Shizuo was eating and functioning better than anyone had anticipated. He'd shrugged at her words, taken the apple. "Can't let them have died in vain, I guess."

Izaya was pleased that Shizuo had actually listened to him. He didn't talk much and was almost expressionless, save the glares towards Izaya. It was a nice change from how he usually was and what made Izaya even more satisfied was knowing that his words had affected Shizuo. As long as Shizuo could be productive while grieving, Izaya didn't mind if Shizuo had a permanent glare. It was what he wanted.

If Shizuo was too emotional, then Izaya supposed he would be not emotional enough. Shizuo let every event affect him on a personal level and Izaya brushed it off, continued to move forward. He was focused and Shizuo got distracted by the tragedy surrounding them. It was just one more thing that they were on opposite ends of the spectrum on.

He saw Namie's eyes flit up when Chikage walked by her. They were back on her magazine as she asked 'how's your shoulder feeling?' in her plain, monotonous murmur.

He seemed surprised to be addressed and gave a charming smile, dropping to his knee in front of her and took off his hat. "Much better than yesterday, thanks to your efficient medical attention, Namie-san!"

"You could've just said 'better.'"

"But that wouldn't have conveyed my gratitude!"

Rokujou Chikage, Izaya knew, was the leader of the Toromaru and a ladies man, explaining the constant flirting with Namie and exaggerated chivalry act. Kadota had told him that the gang was wiped out before they'd arrived in Osaka and he had nodded.

"What about his entourage of girls?"

Kadota frowned, shrugging. "I'm not sure. I didn't ask him."

Izaya had smirked but ultimately let the subject drop. It wasn't that hard to piece it together.

He'd gone back to reading his book (rather, it was Shizuo's book) and tuned out Chikage's voice and Namie's mumbles. They pulled up to Hiroshima rather quickly; without the stops they found themselves making, it actually didn't take too long to go between cities. Izaya still had Shinra's note in his pocket and had already decided to chastise him about it, ask what he would've done if they didn't find the note.

Shinra really needed to think things through sometimes, through meaning including more people than just Celty and himself. That would be the first lecture Izaya would deliver.

Izaya looked out the window as the vehicle rolled to a stop and saw that Shizuo had chosen the memorial park. Izaya raised an eyebrow. "How cliché and expected. Is this all Shizu-chan knows about Hiroshima?"

"Shut up," Shizuo mumbled, pulling the key out once the engine had died down. He tossed it to Izaya without looking at him and was the first out of the RV. Thin lips drew into a frown at his attitude (this change was bit drastic from last night), but glancing out the front window, he saw a small grave, cross in the ground. Moments later, Shizuo appeared in the view again, holding a few flowers he probably picked from nearby, setting them down and bowing his head for a moment.

How like Shizu-chan. Pay respect for people he didn't even know.

"Well, someone's got to remember 'em."

Izaya was disgusted he could actually hear Shizuo's retort to his own comments in his head.

How rude, Shizu-chan. Don't appear in other people's thoughts.

He followed him out and heard the door slamming shut once the other two were as well. He'd admit it did feel different; it had only been for a few hours, but having Kadota did make things livelier. And Hachi's panting and the sounds of his feet padding along to catch up with Shizuo did fill the silence between human footsteps. They'd lost a third of their group in one go (did it count as one third if Hachi was a dog?) and Izaya supposed it did make quite a difference.

Never mind.

No time to focus on that.

Izaya watched Shizuo's back as he walked, trailing a bit behind him. Sadness emanated; Izaya felt like it was a cloak over his being, one that he couldn't shed easily, one that maybe he didn't even want to shed. The past few days had worn on Shizuo more than anyone else.

That was the downside to forming relationships the way Shizuo did, Izaya thought dryly.

It hurt when they ended.

"So," the informant heard from behind him, "what convinced you to travel with those two?"

Namie gave Chikage a tired look. He really was relentless. "I'm looking for someone."

"Seiji, is it?" he asked with dramatic sigh, feigning hurt as he held a hand over his heart. "The fair maiden's heart has already been stolen…"

"He's my brother," she said shortly.

Chikage brightened.

"Ah, so are you looking for a love interest?"

Izaya gave a smirk, decided to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"Don't even try. He's both her brother and love interest. How efficient of you, Namie-san."

"Die."

Izaya had to commend Chikage for taking the news gracefully. It wasn't as though Izaya went around telling people about Namie's feelings, but he certainly expected reactions that had to take a moment to be quelled. Without missing a beat, though, Chikage turned to Namie and offered another smile, never once letting anything other than pleasantry show on his expression. "Then I'll have to fight for your love."

Namie gave a short huff and her strides became longer, trying to walk faster than he could. But Chikage's long legs matched her pace with little difficulty, seeming even more amused by her reaction, offering another grin. "You're pretty hot."

She glared at him.

"You're almost as bad as Izaya."

He didn't seem deterred by her words. If anything, he was more drawn to her; he remembered her name from a brief chat room conversation, wasn't sure if she recognized him as well. He began to talk about how it was a nice day, not minding that Namie said nothing; his good hand reached out to tug at hers and, out of reflex, moved to walk on the side of her exposed to the street, despite there being no cars. She had resorted to entirely ignoring him, but he was fine with it.

The memorial park was oddly empty of zombies. It was a good thing, but Chikage had learned to not let his guard down; the last time he did, it had cost several lives and it still haunted him, led to restless nights of sleep. His face darkened for a moment but he shook it off when Shizuo asked what was wrong, having glanced over his shoulder just to make sure he wasn't walking off on his own.

"How are we finding Shinra?" Shizuo grumbled, kicking at the wall of the museum building they finally reached. "This place is fuckin' huge."

"He might not be in the park, Shizu-chan," Izaya chirped. "Shizu-chan might be the only one who thinks this is all of Hiroshima."

"I don't think that, and I meant the whole goddamn city! How stupid do you think I am?!"

"Ah—"

"Don't answer that!"

Shaking her head at them, Namie peered around their surroundings. She shivered for a moment at the wind and frowned slightly, feeling Chikage drape his coat over her shoulders. "He's probably at the university," she said, grasping the coat and pulling it closer together, not even wanting to imagine Chikage's cheeky grin. "They have a laboratory and it could be well protected. We should check there first."

"As expected of my beautiful and capable secretary," Izaya murmured, smirking as she shot him another tired glare. The four began walking again, trusting Izaya to lead them to the university. Shizuo fell to the back of the group, strolling along amiably; Namie was annoyed that he seemed to lag further and further from the group and eventually waited for him to catch up, waving off Chikage and telling him to make sure Izaya wasn't intending on screwing them over.

"You're slow," she stated bluntly.

He stared at her for a moment as if he didn't recognize her, mumbling 'sorry' afterwards. His feet continued to shuffle along the ground and Namie found she had to walk slowly to match his pace. She could still keep the other two in her view and was satisfied; she trusted Chikage to keep Izaya from running off while making sure they didn't fall behind.

An apocalypse did things to people, she thought dryly.

Things like making them trust others for small matters.

"What's it like?" she asked quietly.

"What?"

"…What does it feel like? The closure."

She didn't expect Shizuo to answer immediately. They had walked almost an entire block in silence when he finally did, starting out with a heavy sigh. She said nothing but was growing rather impatient on the inside; she could understand why he took a while to answer but that didn't mean it didn't annoy her. Or the sighs. He sighed a lot of that recently.

"…It's not as comforting as I thought it would be," he started. "And at first, it felt like it would kill me. I thought having a definite answer would make me feel better, no matter what, but… I guess it's because I genuinely expected him to be alive. That's what hope does. It makes you expect the best so when you get the worst, it kills you."

Namie shivered again and she bowed her head, letting Shizuo's (more than expected) words sink in. Thinking about Seiji made her stomach lurch, something that it hadn't done until recently. It didn't take too long for her to realize it was because she had watched what Shizuo went through. Like him, she had been expecting Seiji to be alive. She kept telling herself to be prepared otherwise, but deep down, she had already convinced herself that he was alive.

She was making the same mistake he had been.

Thinking about Seiji being dead was too much for her. She couldn't imagine a world without Seiji; she'd give anything for his happiness, but the world was gone and she couldn't even find him and protect him. Her baby brother. She had no idea where he was, how he was, who he was with, and it was driving her to what felt like the brink of insanity. She was able to swallow it but there were moments where she felt short of breath, like she was too weak to even keep herself standing.

"…Seiji's alive."

Namie hadn't realized she said it out loud until she did; it was a mumble but Shizuo definitely picked up on it. She looked at him to see how he was reacting and his empty smile had her frowning.

"…Yeah. I really hope he is."

Izaya glanced at the two behind him. He and Chikage had stopped walking to wait for them to catch up and he'd heard a bit of their conversation. Izaya was good at his poker face, and so he didn't have to look away, but looking at Namie did remind him of what he knew.

How he should tell her.

When he should tell her.

But not now. I need her focused so we can find Shinra.

"There's the university," he said, gesturing with his chin. "There are a few zombies, but nothing we can't handle. We should be safe if we can get inside that building. As usual, don't use your guns unless you absolutely have to, understand?"

"Yeah."

"Sounds good."

Nodding at the responses, Izaya turned to Namie, about to prompt her. But the woman's eyes were focused beyond him and Izaya had a bad feeling in his gut, yet his hands didn't reach out fast enough to grab her before she had sprinted past him, 'Seiji?!' sounding in a gasp.

Izaya was pissed off that Namie chose now to become delusional.

Swearing, he spun around and the three began to run after her; with adrenaline pumping through her veins, an adrenaline that could only be produced at the idea of Seiji, they were almost unable to keep up with her. Her ankle nearly twisted and collapsed at some treacherous landings, but she was able to keep running, long legs carrying her over the green expanse. Distantly, she heard her name being called but the blood rushing through her was almost deafening; all she could focus on was Seiji right there in front of her, Seiji being so close…

Reaching a hand out, her fingers brushed against a shoulder.

"Seiji…"

Namie gave a smile, a warm one, with soft eyes. Her spirits instantly felt lifted; she saw brown hair and a stature that was exactly like Seiji's, even the jacket she'd given him for his birthday. The figure began turning around slowly and her good mood immediately disappeared, her eyes widened, she felt like someone had drenched her in cold water and then electrocuted her.

In her time at working with Izaya, she had read several of his books in her free time or when she just didn't want to listen to him. Some of them had been medicine and psychology related, as she was always looking to expand her knowledge. It was commonly known, but she understood that under high pressure, the brain could produce hallucinations. Under extreme stress, the brain would do things and delude her.

She hadn't slept properly, rested properly, barely eaten properly for days.

And combined with her desperation, it wasn't too farfetched for her to see a figure with brown hair and similar stature and assume it to be Seiji.

But it wasn't.

The zombie gave a grown and Namie gasped, stumbled back and tried to find the knife she kept on herself. But with her hands shaking and still feeling disoriented from shock, her movements were slow. She was trying to catch her balance, staring into the whites of the zombie's eyes, mentally kicking herself for being so stupid.

She distantly heard a voice—probably Shizuo's—but braced herself for searing pain. She heard another voice, this time closer and not Shizuo's, and eyes opened in time to see Chikage in front of her, slipping in the space between her and the zombie, a hand on her shoulder and managing to push her back just as decaying teeth sunk into the crook of his neck.

"Chikage…!"

april 23, 9:34 a.m.

"NON!"

The gates had closed and he knew he had no way to reopen them but was still yelling at the guard. He grabbed at the railing and shook desperately, but he didn't have Heiwajima Shizuo's superhuman strength; there was no way he could open them. Watching helplessly, Chikage sank to his knees and was shaking as he watched the zombies ripping apart his girlfriends. His breathing was ragged and fingers loosened, yet were still furled around the metal.

They shouldn't even have been here. It had been Chikage's idea; he said it would be fun to visit. And now here they were and it was entirely his fault; he should've made sure they were through the gate before him, he thought, everything was because of him and now there was nothing he could do.

"N-Non… Kana… Sienna… Kiyomin…"

His face was growing increasingly pale, ignoring some of the members of his gangs pulling at his arms, trying to lift him. He couldn't stop staring at the zombies attacking the girls, hearing their screams echoing. He thought they were in front of him; he thought they were already beyond the gate, he thought they were already safe and he couldn't believe he'd let his guard down, should've made absolute sure before he went through them himself. Between the mobs of people and zombies, it was growing hard for him to keep track of everyone.

But that was no excuse; he'd promised them he'd take care of them and he had failed.

He thought he was the last of them to cross the line and yelled for the gates to be closed, thinking the zombies would be kept out and everyone would be safe. But he heard a scream and turned around just as he heard metal clanging and saw Non looking absolutely terrified, fear seizing his own body. He reached a hand out and their fingers had just barely brushed before she was snatched back, screaming again as skin and flesh were ripped off of her body.

"Chikage! Chikage, we've got to go! Chikage!"

may 3, 9:47 a.m.

At least I could save one person…

"My lady," he murmured with a strained smile, "I hope you'll find your happiness. It has been a pleasure to know you."

More zombies were coming and he'd put a sword through the one that bit him, but he made no move to head towards the building that was just beyond them. Shizuo and Izaya had caught up with them and Chikage took a moment to bow and brush his lips against Namie's cheek. He heard a murmured 'idiot' in the least scathing tone yet and smiled, murmuring 'a man's duty is to protect a woman.'

"Take care of her," he said, eyes turning to the other two when he pulled back, a hand reached up to try and keep the collar of his shirt to his wound. His gaze flickered to behind them, seeing a horde approaching them and stepped around the two men, taking his weapon out and unsheathing it. "I'll never forgive you if you let harm come to her."

Shizuo's eyes fell on his neck and he gave a stiff nod, murmured 'let's go' to Namie and a gruff 'thanks' to Chikage. Izaya held eye contact with him for a moment before also nodding and began to walk, yet paused for just a moment to murmur 'you hardly knew her.'

Chikage smirked.

"Duty doesn't depend on how well you know someone."

"Your duty has gotten you killed."

"Then," Chikage said and looked at Izaya coldly, "at least I die knowing I was true to myself and with no regrets."

Looking at him for another moment, Izaya murmured 'whatever suits you' and hurried to catch up with the other two.

Chikage's heart was racing as they approached; he knew it was futile and yet wouldn't die without fighting until his very last breath. The pain from his shoulder and neck had dulled with the sudden rush of adrenaline and he was even smirking, as he moved in, blade of his weapon slicing through their decayed flesh, hardly even batting an eye at the guts and blood spilling.

His shoulder throbbed and blood loss was beginning to wear on him, but he still refused to show the slightest sign of weakness. The least he could do, he thought, was try to make it easier for them to escape later. Even if it was too late for him, it wasn't for them; the one thing he could now control was whether or not he died fighting or died running.

He'd lost his girlfriends and he'd lost his gang, but he hadn't lost every chance to protect anyone.

"Aah, you want some too?!" he snarled, eyes crinkling with a grin as his weapon went through the zombie's eye. He kicked at the chest to shove the body back and immediately turned to the next one, hardly minding the teeth that tried to bite at him.

He was already infected; he had no fear of that anymore.

"Don't worry, there's enough of me for all of you!"

His eyes glanced at the building and gave one last smirk before the lightheadedness was impossible to ignore and he could hardly move anymore, limbs more or less being dragged. The zombies eventually managed to grab him and he grunted, winced.

You two better protect her with your lives…

He swore, gave a pained groan but refused to show any more weakness beyond that at the feeling of teeth on flesh, of fingers grabbing at him, his own blood running down his limbs.

I'm sorry, Non…

may 3, 10:31 a.m.

"Don't tell me you've started falling for him…?"

Silence.

Izaya already knew the answer; Yagiri Namie's love for her little brother was all encompassing and he doubted that she'd ever be able to feel anything besides disdain for anyone else. The words were met with a silence from her and Shizuo's glare, but he gave a shrug.

"What's done is done," he said easily. "It was his choice. Shizu-chan, I'd expect that sort of reaction, but you…?"

"It's probably because people have died because of you, but never for you," Namie said stiffly, Izaya's eyes watching as she pulled the coat tighter around herself. "Figures. There's no one would be willing to do so anyway."

"My… is it possible that you're feeling guilt, Namie-san?"

Izaya was silent as she stalked off, the heels of her shoes clicking against the hallway. He let her walk off by herself and took a moment to look back through the glass doors. A swarm of zombies had gathered and it was easy to assume why; his gaze shifted to Shizuo and wasn't surprised to see him focusing his eyes in the opposite direction.

How annoying, he thought and began to head towards where Namie had gone. Dying for someone instead of because of someone? Ludicrous.

Despite how often Izaya would insist that Namie was an awful woman, and he was right in some respects, there would be times where a glimmer of actual humanity would show through. This situation exasperated it; he'd seen her at, arguably, the most human she'd ever been. Upon finding her, of course, she was as frigid as ever. And in some ways, she still was; the world would end before Yagiri Namie showed the same compassion and love she showed Seiji to anyone else.

She was a headstrong woman and stubborn, but, it appeared, she was capable of feeling guilt to some degree. Growing up lonely, she'd probably never thought someone would die for her the way Chikage had. Or maybe she believed that someone would; Izaya didn't find it farfetched at all to say that Yagiri Namie held herself in such a light.

But then someone really did and the guilt was all consuming and she wasn't sure how to handle it.

He was smirking before he knew it.

How interesting… I didn't even have to set up this situation for these reactions.

"Where's Shinra?"

His smirk dropped immediately and he turned to glance at Shizuo, noting that his head was still bowed, his voice sounding tight. The man's hands were in his pockets and there was a shuffle to his walk; Izaya recognized that he was trying not to be overly emotional, as he'd criticized him of being, but Shizuo wasn't very good at hiding how he felt.

Chikage wasn't even that close to him.

"Mm… I think we should just look around. He's got to be around here somewhere, aa?"

His tone was light, his voice was easy; he spoke like nothing was wrong, like he didn't hear the groans of the undead from outside and walking through an abandoned building that was supposed to be lively was entirely normal for him.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Izaya gave a hum but he still walked a few more steps before stopping. Shizuo had stopped in the middle of the hallway and was staring at him, eyes tired but still angry, bags under them but brows knit above. He'd straightened a little and Izaya watched impassively the way Shizuo's eyes flickered and his jaw moved as his teeth grinded together. Finally giving a languid shrug and a lazy smirk, he tilted his head. "What do you mean?"

"How can you not care?!" he snarled, taking a step closer and grabbing Izaya by his coat, forcing him to stand on his toes.

So much for not reacting too emotionally…

"After all this… after so many bodies, after seeing your sisters, after walking away from Chikage being eaten alive, after shooting Kadota through the head, how can you not even look like you give a shit?! Are you even fuckin' human? How do you go about living and not even show the slightest regret for the loss of human life?! What if it was you?!"

His eyes narrowed and he clicked his tongue at the last few words. A hand raised and pressed to Shizuo's chest, took a few attempts to convince Shizuo to step back (because, after all, Izaya very hardly initiated physical contact of any kind.) He fixed his coat and glared at him.

"Because someone in this group has to keep a cool head," he murmured. "Someone has to be clear minded enough to make decisions and not get stuck on what can't be undone. The past is the past and dwelling on it won't do anything."

He gave a quiet 'tch' under his breath and turned, beginning to walk again.

"You must be constantly evolving."

Izaya's hand was around his knife, knowing that there was a good chance Shizuo would try to attack him. He wasn't planning on killing him, but if it came down to it, if Shizuo proved to be more useless than useful, Izaya would have to get rid of him.

This was different from his hate for Shizuo; this was survival and Izaya would do anything to survive.

Hearing another growl, Izaya began pulling his knife out of his pocket. He could tell Shizuo was growing angry; it was almost eerily silent as Izaya stopped and knew that Shizuo was still as well, probably just glaring at him, feeling rage grow.

Had it not been for Namie suddenly sprinting down the stairs, there was a very good chance that the two were going to end up fighting each other. But seeing the woman breathless and actually showing a flicker of fear, something clicked in both of their minds; Izaya immediately glanced at Shizuo and he nodded, understanding.

It's not safe.

We'll take care of this later.

"Zombies," she breathed. "They're everywhere and they saw me, so they're coming. There's no way Shinra's in here; the entire second floor's destroyed."

"Is the front safe?" Izaya asked and Shizuo shook his head.

"They're probably done."

Eating Chikage went unspoken.

"Shit… fine, then the back?"

"Completely swarmed… those damn things probably saw us or heard us or smelled us. Fuckin-!"

Loud moans silenced Shizuo's voice. In unison, all three turned to look at the staircase Namie had emerged from and bolted in the opposite direction without a second thought. A door swung open and Shizuo was flying up the stairs, taking two at a time. A few stragglers were killed easily and Izaya had one hand holding his knife and the other holding onto the railing as he rounded corners, using momentum to his advantage. He barked 'third floor' at Shizuo when he stopped at the door leading to the second and he nodded, continuing the ascent.

By some stroke of luck, when Shizuo opened the door, the hallways were clear. Izaya pulled Namie in, steadying her as she stumbled from the force as Shizuo slammed the door shut and used a wooden board laying around to slide through the handles, keeping the doors closed. He looked around and was panting, mumbling 'follow me' and broke into a sprint again.

"Do you have any idea where you're going?"

"Hell no!"

Heiwajima Shizuo would not be winning any motivational speech awards.

His shoes squeaked against the ground at a sudden stop, hand on the wall and leaving a sizable dent. Zombies rounded the corner and Shizuo turned to consider the other direction, but more zombies were gathering. The sound of their entrance probably attracted them; that or their smell, he thought, but Shizuo wasn't going to linger to think.

He turned towards the locked door and jiggled the handle once before ripping it off its hinges. Izaya instinctively backed Namie to a wall, wanted to know where she was every single second based on this morning's mishap. He trusted Shizuo to empty out the room; he would be more than capable of doing so. He heard squelching and the sounds of chairs breaking, ignoring Namie pressing against him, snapping 'I can take care of myself.'

"You do stupid things when you're emotional," he muttered in a low voice and she immediately fell silent, though he just knew she was still glaring. Knife in his hand, he left her only to kill the ones that were getting too close. He was beginning to get used to the blood splatter, feeling it hit him and the feeling of driving a weapon into a human body. The fact that he was getting accustomed was slightly worrisome, but, at the moment, Izaya had more pressing concerns to attend to.

"Shizu-chan," he called, scanning the vicinity quickly and seeing how many other zombies were approaching, "do you mind hurrying up?!"

"I'm fuckin' trying! Shut up!"

He gave an annoyed sigh and kicked a body away. Izaya swung his weapon but the zombie had been crouching; it straightened to its full height and all he was able to do was slash its throat.

Which would kill a normal human, but not a zombie.

The momentary lapse in his rhythm affected him; Izaya couldn't bring his arm up fast enough to defend himself (even with immunity, he didn't want to be bitten.) But a flash of brown suddenly appeared; Namie had slipped out from behind him and used her own knife to drag it across the zombie's head, watch the blade cut through its brains. Her foot kicked the body away and glanced over her shoulder, murmured "I'm not useless, you know" and Izaya smirked, accepted her hand to stand.

"Of course not. Why else would I have hired you?"

Holding her glare with his smirk a moment longer, Izaya drew his hand back, returned is attention to the horde encroaching upon them. He didn't know what could possibly be taking Shizuo that long; he'd known him to take out three at once if he was really mad, and he decided that today would be a day where he was really mad. Izaya wished he had a longer knife; it would take him a while to get used to, but he was sure that it would be much more convenient.

His heart was racing; another zombie was taken care of but he heard Namie yell his name. Turning immediately, Izaya's eyes widened, swearing as he tried to fall back to avoid being bit. But he was met with wall; there was nowhere to escape—

-but suddenly Namie's body was against his and his breath stilled, watched the zombie get close-

It's probably because people have died because of you, but never for you. Figures. There's no one would be willing to do so anyway.

-and so Izaya's hand moved robotically to drive the blade into the zombie's skull and pull it off of her as quickly as he could, but he still felt his blood run cold.

"HURRY UP!"

Shizuo's baritone voice drew him out of his trance and Izaya murmured 'don't move' and picked her up, felt blood on her shirt, wet against his fingers. He rushed into the room and stared at Shizuo, already halfway out the window, staring at him. His mouth opened and immediately:

"No fucking way."

"I'll catch you," he explained, giving a curt nod and Izaya watched him jump out. He ran over and stared in disbelief as Shizuo landed on the ground and then looked up like nothing was wrong. His arms were held out, calling 'hurry up.' Years of breaking and healing led to bones of steel, Izaya thought numbly.

Shizuo had years.

Izaya didn't.

He was hesitant; his grip on Namie tightened for a moment. But he looked behind him and could see zombies fighting to get through the small door—those things were stupid, he thought—and gave a slow breath.

"Ladies first."

Namie nodded and swallowed. He set her down and helped her out the window, letting go of her hand and watching as she fell through the air, having jumped without a second thought, without a single moment to begin hesitating. A three story fall may not take that long but watching and knowing he'd be next made it feel by eternity. Only a small part of Izaya felt relieved when he saw Shizuo catch her without fail, setting her down and she seemed entirely fine, though the red on her shirt had his stomach lurching.

The problem was that Shizuo didn't hold a deathly grudge against her.

"…Shizu-chan's not going to purposely miss, right?"

"Hurry the fuck up or I will!"

"…That's not reassuring."

"IZAYA, HURRY THE FUCK UP."

He looked behind his shoulder again. The zombies had figured out five at a time weren't working and one was staggering towards him once they realized the concept of taking turns. One leg over the sill, Izaya balanced carefully on the ledge as the other one was brought over. He stared at Shizuo for several seconds, realized he'd be putting more trust in him in this single moment that he'd ever put in anyone over the course of his entire life.

The thought was sickening.

But hearing a moan almost right by his ear, Izaya pushed off.

His eyes had closed and actually falling felt even longer than watching. He could hardly move and there was nothing to grab on to or steady himself; Izaya's heart was racing and he felt the most panic he'd felt up to that point well up inside of him, thinking I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying.

He hadn't expected Shizuo catching him to hurt that much.

Eyes flickered open and the throbbing on his back and back of his knees faded quickly as they began to spring towards where the RV was parked, navigating through the zombies. Izaya pulled his gun out and shot at the ones that were getting too close for comfort. Namie was doing the same, though her aim wasn't as good as his, but she at least slowed them down and killed nearly all of the ones she aimed at.

Izaya tossed Shizuo the keys, as he was the closest. He unlocked it quickly and the three jumped in, Izaya pulling the door shut as Shizuo was starting the car and stepping on the pedal before he'd even sat down. Izaya heard and felt bodies being crushed and run into, but he turned his attention to Namie, eyes focused on her shoulder as she began shrugging her shirt off, hands shaking a bit.

He looked at her.

"How do you feel?"

Her breathing was heavy and her face was pale, but she wasn't feverish to the touch and Izaya gave a nod. Shizuo kept barking 'oi, what's happening back there?' At one point, Shizuo had turned to look at them but immediately looked away, a hint of a blush on his cheeks and Namie mumbled 'you've never seen a woman in a bra?'

"Keep driving, Shizu-chan," Izaya mumbled, inspecting her skin where the zombie's teeth had been closest to. He frowned and ran his fingers over her flesh, slowly pulling back and looking at her, eyes narrowed.

"Tell me what's going on!"

"I'd rather not risk you crashing from a rollercoaster of emotion," Izaya murmured a bit slowly, sounding distracted.

"I'LL FUCKING CRASH RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I'M MAD!"

Izaya ignored him, even as Shizuo kept yelling, the only voice in the RV. Izaya opened his mouth but Namie's hand suddenly reached up, taking hold of his and she looked at him, her eyes keeping his locked. Izaya hesitated, staring back at her before giving a sigh and swallowing.

Eyes closed.

"…She's been bit."

She let go of his hand.

may 3, 5:39 a.m.

"You still want to find him, don't you?"

Namie didn't answer.

It was early in the morning and Shizuo and Chikage were asleep. Izaya had to give his word several times for Shizuo to trust that he wouldn't try to leave again and an hour passed before Namie woke up. She walked past him to wash up in the stream, coming back and immediately taking the passenger seat. Izaya had been reading (he never slept for very long anyway) and raised an eyebrow at her. "Willingly sitting by me? My…"

"It's my shift."

Blinking in surprise, Izaya fumbled around until he found an alarm clock they had picked up to keep track of time. He nodded once he saw the time, but leaned back in the seat. "I'm not tired."

"Even you need sleep."

"I did sleep."

"You need to sleep more."

"Are you worried about me, Namie-san?"

"No, but it's troubling you're behind the wheel. Switch with me."

"No."

Flipping another page in his book, he glanced up; silence from Namie was uncharacteristic and he was suspicious but also curious. She wasn't one to bite her nails, so she'd press her fingers to her lips when she was thinking or nervous. Izaya watched the pads of her fingers touch against her bottom lip, skimming over them as she stared out the window. The other hand cupped her elbow, arm across her stomach and her brows were knit, long hair falling over her shoulders. Izaya reached a hand out to brush the strands back, eliciting a sharp jolt and a distrustful look.

"Ah, don't' mind me. I just enjoy that look of unsettlement and anxiety on your face."

"Asshole."

Izaya closed his book and moved the seat back to be able to cross his legs. "You're still thinking about going back to Osaka, aren't you?"

He could see her arm twitch out of reflex to bring her fingers to her lips but she didn't.

"Well," he murmured as he heard scuffling behind them, "Shizu-chan and Chikage won't let you go. Personally, you do prove some use, but not much when you're moody."

She clicked her tongue.

Izaya smirked.

"Tell me, Namie-san. How do you do it? Act like absolutely everyone is scum but drop everything for that one person…"

"It's simple," she murmured. "It's loving someone."

She looked over, gave a ghost of smirk that Izaya didn't appreciate.

"Or, you know, some people call it hate."

may 3, 4:29 p.m.

"…You don't seem that upset."

Namie gave a shrug and smoothed her skirt. Shizuo reached a hand up to scratch his head, averting his eyes. Clearing his throat, he glanced at her again before turning, grunting and grasped his hair, the heel of his palm against his forehead. "You… you don't even…"

"I don't want to wait until then."

"…You look… fine. I just…"

Namie was quiet as Shizuo just stammered. Once they had stopped, Shizuo had gotten out to clear his mind, try to calm himself at the idea of losing another person. He'd taken a walk and was surprised that he didn't feel any tears; he just felt exhaustion and dread, fatigue wearing his bones thin and misery dragging his feet. He heaved a sigh and turned around eventually, hoisting himself up the stairs.

When he looked in, the two of them were sitting at the booths. Considering what had happened, he thought they looked oddly fine; Shizuo was frozen by the door for a bit as he stared, only the clanging of the door from the wind cuased Izaya to look over his shoulder at him.

"Ah. Shizu-chan's back."

He had stood and walked past him, murmured 'take as long as you need.'

Shizuo shifted weight from one foot to the other as he lingered by the wall. The silence was unnerving and Shizuo wondered how much time of him clearing his throat and fidgeting before he shuffled his way over to the booth, taking the seat where Izaya had been.

He glanced up and saw the white gauze covering the crook of her neck and immediately looked away. "How… do you feel?"

"Fine. For now."

Frowning, Shizuo fidgeted again, running his hand through his hair. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again, swallowing thickly and turning away. He wanted to say something; she wasn't as close to him as Kadota was, so Shizuo didn't know what to say, but in some way she was still important to him. In a way that could only be forged when two people lived together, killed together, and escaped death several times together.

However, that didn't mean Shizuo knew what to say to the woman with a razor sharp tongue.

"I…"

"You're a good person."

Surprised at hearing her say a full sentence without it being an answer to his question, he looked up. She was still staring out the window, her hands in her lap, and had that eternal tiny frown on her lips.

…Wait.

Is she wearing lipstick?

Where did…

Fuck it…

Why'm I focusin' on that of all things anyway…

"Sorry to leave you alone to deal with Izaya," she continued quietly. "But I'm sure you'll be fine. You won't compromise your morality for anything."

"Um… thanks. I think."

Looking to him, Namie gave a hint of a smile and Shizuo blinked, felt his cheeks start warming as he looked away and cleared his throat.

I think that's the first time she's smiled.

"Take care of Izaya."

"Uh… I'll try but, I mean, he's the flea and…"

"No. I mean take care of him. For me."

Shizuo blinked and gave a tired, wry smile.

"…Right. That I can do."

may 3, 11:49 p.m.

Shizuo was curled up the cot, eyes closed and arm folded under his pillow, staring adamantly at the wall.

Namie and Izaya were outside; he ended up sitting across from her for a few hours before finally standing long past the sun had set. Shizuo had immediately tried to stop her, hand reaching out to take her wrist before realizing what he was doing and letting go. But she just looked him and sighed.

"…Eat your vegetables. Don't let Izaya push you around."

"But…" he hesitated, fingers touching against his thumb in succession. "You're not even feverish—"

"Also fruits. Fruits are important."

Swallowing thickly, he pulled the covers over his head and waited for it to be over with. Izaya had assured him that he'd be fine disposing of the body himself, that Shizuo didn't need to push himself. He hesitated but nodded, even murmured 'thanks.' He couldn't handle two in one day again; he couldn't dig a grave again. Not yet; he wished he could say not ever, but he knew that this would be life now.

All he had left was Izaya, he thought. Izaya was now officially the only person left and the thought made Shizuo nauseous. Despite everything so far, he still couldn't stand Izaya and the fear of loneliness was the only thing that outweighed Izaya's presence.

At first, he had hope. At first, he had been looking for Kasuka and they'd met up with people they knew. And for all Shizuo knew, other people could still be out there. But he'd seen too many people die right in front of him to hold onto that hope now; everything felt hopeless and bleak and his only consolation was that he wasn't alone, but it came at the price of having to deal with Izaya and trust him.

There was no doubt in Shizuo's mind that Izaya would betray him if it became beneficial for him. He'd do so immediately and without a second thought because Izaya was out only for himself; he'd worked with Shizuo only because it was good for himself. Shizuo may have had moments of naivety but the one thing he could never forget was that Orihara Izaya was selfish, above all.

But Shizuo had everything to lose if he didn't trust him and absolutely nothing to gain.

"Damn…" he mumbled into a muffled pillow. Namie hadn't been a friend but she had been a person who wasn't Izaya, was the reason Shizuo wasn't only with Izaya. Her presence had made it tolerable. Her presence meant options; he wasn't forced to have to deal with Izaya all the time. If he wanted to, she was there. At times, she'd even felt like an older sister, someone he could rely on if things really came down to it. But most of the time, she was cold and rude but still better than Izaya.

He didn't know her that well, but Shizuo would choose trusting her over Izaya any day.

But now…

What struck him as odd was that she had seemed calm. She didn't show a single sign of being nervous or even sad and, Shizuo couldn't help but wonder, would he be like that? Had Kasuka been like that? Once the fear and panic of death passed, did people just calmly accept it?

Did the fear and panic ever pass?

Tired eyes with bags under them opened and stared at the wall again. His body was tired, his muscles were stiff, his limbs felt heavy; he wanted to sleep, but he couldn't. His mind was racing, his heart was pounding, and he just kept waiting, waiting, waiting for something he didn't want to happen but knew he couldn't move on until it did.

He waited.

I… wonder what happened to her brother, whatever his name was… hope he's okay. Or… maybe she'll see him in the afterlife.

He waited.

She was scary… but she wasn't as bad a person as Izaya.

He waited.

…I'll miss her.

And then he heard the gunshot.

.notes: this chapter was supposed to be about half the length… and i was about to halve it and split this into two, but then i remembered i forgot to update for a month. so this is my apology, hahah. reviews are much appreciated!