With a deep sigh, Riza locked Roy's apartment door.
While Roy Mustang had taken his aspirin and cough syrup without a fight, it had been a bit of a struggle getting Hughes out the door. Even when it came to goodbyes, the lieutenant colonel had still insisted on shoving pictures of his wife and daughter in Riza's face. She had to admit, she could understand why Roy sometimes grew irritated with his best friend. Hughes was a bit obnoxious. Of course, Maes Hughes probably also had the biggest heart out all the people she knew.
Riza smiled tiredly and allowed herself a small yawn. It felt as though she'd been doing nothing but running around the past two days. It was funny, she'd spent all these years being Mustang's adjutant, but one of the most tiring tasks by far was taking care of him while he was sick.
Glancing at the hallway clock, Hawkeye noted it was half past ten. "I suppose I'd best plan to stay the night again… Especially with how his fever spiked earlier." She thought silently.
She decided to check on the colonel before claiming the chair she'd slept in the night prior. She peered from the doorway into her superior's room.
Roy was snoring loudly, blankets pooled around his waist as he slept, completely dead to the world.
With an amused smirk, Riza strode over to his bedside and pulled the blankets up to his chin. "Sleep well, sir." Casting him one last glance, she left the room, turned down the lights, and settled in for the night.
Sand. Sweeping desert and rocky crag as far as the eye could see. The sun beat down harshly, and seemed to negate any hopes for a cool breeze. Then again, that was the Ishvalan region.
It was so vastly different here from the rest of Amestris. Roy wondered grimly if those differences had been the recipe for disaster for the desert nation from the start.
There were too many ignorant people in the world, all too eager to turn their backs on those that were of different race or belief than their own. He could only surmise that this misplaced hatred had led that single Amestrian soldier to shoot and kill the Ishvalan child. The sickening act that had started this whole blood bath.
Still, the flame alchemist knew he had no right to judge. No. Not when he was being forced to act as one of the military's human weapons. It turned his stomach every time he snapped his fingers. He watched the flames consume them… Men, women, and children alike… It was enough to depress anyone.
The only way to get through it, Roy noted, was to keep one simple goal in mind: Survival. Anything beyond that became a twisted mess of emotions and self-loathing. It wasn't something he had time for on the battle field… Not when a split second could mean life or death.
Presently, he stood a few meters away from another group of armed Ishvalans. His gloved hands were poised to strike, thumbs pressed firmly between his middle and index fingers. Feeling a weight in his chest with which he'd become increasingly familiar, Roy Mustang snapped.
Flames materialized instantaneously and exploded onto the group of Ishvalans before they could so much as take aim at him. "This isn't a war." Roy thought miserably, "A war implies both sides stand some sort of chance…No… This is outright genocide."
He took a few cautious strides towards the victims of his attack, pushing himself onward. The overpowering scent of burnt flesh hung in the air nearby. Coupled with the charred, lifeless bodies of the Ishvalans he'd killed, it was an altogether gruesome scene.
Guilt clouded heavily in the corners of Roy's mind, but he forced it back. He couldn't allow himself to lose his momentum.
He picked up his pace a bit, keeping his eyes focused on what lay ahead.
A soft pressure on his right hand froze Roy in his tracks. It felt like some smaller hand had grasped his own. Could it be an Ishvalan child? He shuddered inwardly in terror as he slowly glanced down.
The small hand belonged to a young girl. She looked badly burnt and her crimson eyes were misty with tears, "Why?" she asked in a quavering voice, "Why are you killing everyone? Why do we have to die?"
Roy felt bile rising in his throat; the heat seemed to intensify around him. "What am I supposed to do?!" he cried out mentally as he stood rooted to the spot.
"Did we hurt you? We- We're sorry!" the girl's voice cracked, "Just stop! Stop the blood!"
Roy could feel his body shaking involuntarily. He could feel his arms slowly raise, his fingertips brushing against one another. "NOOOOOoooo!" he cried helplessly, but his fingers snapped against his will.
The girl was incinerated in the burst, turning to ashes on the spot.
Though the fire didn't stop there, it proceeded to spread under the unrelenting sun. The flames danced around him, licking at his arms and legs in a painful inferno…
Riza bolted upright at her superior's desperate cry. Clearly, something wasn't right. Shaking off the haze of dreams, she hurried down the hallway to the colonel's room. She studied him in the small light of the moon pouring in from an entryway window.
He was writhing in his sleep, teeth clenched and forehead covered in a sheen of sweat.
"Colonel?" Hawkeye asked uncertainly into the darkness, hastily making her way over to his bedside.
Darn. Even without touching him, she could feel the heat radiating off of him. His fever must have risen again, plaguing him with vivid nightmares. It didn't take a doctor to tell Riza that she had to do something about it. Frantic thoughts ran through her mind, reminding her of that morning.
"Stay calm, Riza." She reminded herself. Forcing back her initial panic, the lieutenant reasoned that a cold compress was probably the best bet. Or at least, it would be a start.
Roy tried to gulp in air, but the fire and dry desert air left his throat parched. He coughed harshly as the smoke crept down his already dry windpipe.
"Sir, we need to cool you down!" He could dully hear Riza's voice echo from somewhere beyond the flames.
"It's n-no….no… use..." Roy's crumpled into hacking coughs, "Darn it all… I can't even speak!" He thought loosely. Grim resignation took hold of him. He supposed this was what he deserved, to die by these flames. He was a murderer any way he looked at it. He deserved the same intense pain and suffering that he'd dealt out.
"Please, sir, stop struggling!" Riza's voice pierced through the flames again.
Suddenly, he saw her, blond tresses cascading down her shoulders, hand reaching out to him through the flames.
"Hawkeye…no…the flames…they'll kill you, too!" Roy thought desperately, trying to shove her away.
She fought back stubbornly, moving through the raging inferno and cupped his face in her hands. Her hands traced over the contours of his face and neck. Her touch, he noted, was surprisingly cool and almost damp. It was almost comforting, until he remembered where they were. His stomach lurched, still feeling the heat of the flames all around them. There was certainly no hope for his survival, but maybe the lieutenant…
"Hawkeye, get away… I…M-my flames… they're out of control!" he screamed mentally, but she refused to leave his side.
Roy watched in horror as the beautiful golden locks of his subordinate's hair caught ablaze as the fire began to close in further on them.
"Darn it…Darn it… Hawkeye why won't you just abandon me? That's an order! Why?!" His knees buckled as the flames hungrily consumed her, lighting up her form in a blinding blaze and leaving behind nothing but charred remnants…It was just like all those Ishvalans…like that innocent little girl… Only somehow, this was worse. Much, much worse.
As if in response to his overwhelming grief, a chilling wave rose up over him. It drowned him, dousing the flames. He could feel his lungs rebel, choking on the forced rush of liquid. Roy wasn't sure where the wave had materialized from in the middle of the desert, but he couldn't help but think how fitting it was… To drown both figuratively and literally in his sorrows, and let his flame be forever extinguished.
"…nel…awake?"
Bits of words thudded dully in his ears over his own choking gasps. Wait a minute. He was coughing too excessively, shouldn't he have already blacked out?
"Colonel, are you awake?" Riza's voice repeated. It was clearer to him this time.
With a sudden gasp of realization, Roy's eyes flew open and he jerked into a sitting position, "L-Lieutedadt…" he gulped in air, "Hawkeye…"
His adjutant offered him a soft smile, and pushed him back to the bed gently, "Take it easy, sir. Your fever just broke; you're still weak."
Roy blinked rapidly. His fever? Temporarily forcing back the wave of anxiety brought on by his vivid nightmare, the colonel managed to take stock of himself. He could feel a sticky dampness washed over every square inch of his being. His clothing clung to his clammy skin almost uncomfortably. His hair was plastered to his skull with sweat, and he felt like absolute hell… It sounded about right.
"You were tossing and turning so much in your sleep, I was almost worried you were going to hurt yourself, sir." Riza's calm voice sliced through his thoughts like warm butter.
Mustang looked up at her, intense coal black eyes still flecked with hints of raw emotion. "I dreabed…aboud Ishval." He murmured quietly, just a fraction above a whisper.
He could see the soft frown forming on her lips, but she didn't speak. His lieutenant was permitting him to unload on her. Her somber silence was an unspoken promise that his words would remain between them.
"I was back in the war… carryi'g oud orders…" Roy shuddered, "Thed there was this child… she musd have survived ode of my attacks. She…She grabbed by ha'd and pleaded with be to stob the killi'g…A'd thed…" He swallowed hard.
"If you'd rather not talk about it, sir…" Riza interjected gently.
The colonel ignored her, licking at his dry lips, "I couldn't codtrol by arbs… I idciderated her like a cold blooded modster…" He coughed roughly into the back of his hand, "Thed the flabes spread a'd started circling be… the heat was so real."
"That was probably because his fever was higher at that point." Riza surmised silently.
"Thed… all ad odce… you were there, lieutedadt." Roy murmured. His nostrils twitched slightly and he sniffled in a weak attempt to try and ward off the itch that was settling in.
"Sir?" Hawkeye questioned in mild surprise.
"You reached to be through the flabes… you w-wouldn't led be p-push you aw-w-waaaaay….HUPT'chuu!" The colonel sneezed in spite of his efforts to avoid doing so. With a groan, he managed to pick up where he'd left off, "You touched by face a'd neck… it was cold a'd dabp..." He trailed off, regarding her with a mildly confused expression.
"I was patting you down with a cold compress to help with your fever, sir. Perhaps that influenced your dreams." Riza stated easily.
Roy blinked. Now that he looked at her, she was holding a cloth between her fingers. Perhaps that was the 'cold compress' she spoke of. "Id ady case." He sighed, "That was doh turding poidt for the dreab..."
When he fell silent again, Hawkeye could feel a jab of worry. This dream had clearly upset him. That much had been obvious from the start. However, he seemed to only trail off like that at parts he deemed the most horrible. She waited patiently for him to open up, wishing she could help him, if even a little bit.
"Y-You… You caught od fire, lieutedadt and thed… you were gode… nothi'g bud ashes… I doh id seebs ridiculously obvious thad this was a dreab, bud id thad mobedt, I wadted to die… I couldn't bear the thoughd of havi'g killed you." Roy rasped silently.
He draped an arm over his eyes, concealing the tortured exhaustion within them, "I cad haddle the vivid bebories…doh batter how gruesome… they are bide to bear…" Roy shuddered, coughing slightly, "Bud these fabricadions of by subcodscious are albost too buch to take…" a miserable smirk, "I doh… I'b probably jusd bei'g foolish…"
Riza watched him for a long moment. She knew and understood his pain better than most. For his pain, was her pain, too. It was their burden. From the slaughter they'd taken part in, to the flame alchemy secrets written on her back, their fates had been intertwined. He'd released a large weight from her shoulders by defacing her back that day, years prior. Regardless of the pain she'd had to endure, he'd freed her from her father's research. He'd given her hope for a future in their darkest hour. She owed a great deal to that man.
"Foolishness, sir? I hardly see it that way." Hawkeye spoke up at last, voice calm and clear in the darkness.
Roy blinked and lowered his arm, weary gaze meeting her caramel eyes.
"There is no sugar-coating it. Ishval was Hell on Earth, and we were the demons unleashed to torture the poor souls of the innocent. The blood we shed will forever be on our hands. There is nothing that will change that…However," Riza took a deep breath.
"You are no monster, sir. The reason you fought…the reason you still fight… has never been clearer. You fight for those important to you, so they too can continue to fight and keep living… It is understandable then if you saw even one of your subordinates fall, that it would kill you inside."
The colonel was focused on her intently by this point, and she knew it. She could see the intensity in his eyes, the curiosity for what she was leading up to.
Riza smiled softly, "But if there's one thing I've learned from you, sir, it's that we have the ability to look beyond the past… To see beyond tragedy… We don't need to ignore it in order to move forward. It's because of those memories that we are able to strive for a better future."
"Heh… Ehhhhh…HUPT'CHUUU! Huukt'chUU!"
Mustang's sneezing gave way to a pregnant pause. All was silent in the dim light of the apartment, seeming to reflect just how very late the hour was.
Then, a raspy chuckle bubbled up from the colonel, drawing his lieutenant's full attention. Had he cracked? Perhaps her words had been a bit too philosophical for him in his weakened state. She wondered if maybe she ought to have kept things a bit more simplistic. It was usually her style.
"Tell be, lieutedadt," Roy said at last, "Whed did you becobe so wise? Dot odely have you read be like a book, bud id jusd a few sedtedces… you've pud be id lide."
"I suppose war has that effect on people, sir." Riza replied, regretting her choice of words almost immediately. She was trying to encourage him, not dredge up more painful memories.
Roy, however, smiled tiredly at her in response, "Yes… I suppose thad's true." He coughed mildly, "Thadk you, Lieutedadt Hawkeye."
"I was only stating the facts, sir." Hawkeye replied calmly, taking a few strides toward his bedroom door again.
The colonel followed her with his gaze, "Lieutedadt?"
"Depending on how you look at it, it's either incredibly late, or excruciatingly early." Riza continued, "Try to get some rest, sir."
The colonel blinked, but gave another weary smile as he understood.
First and foremost, she was his bodyguard and he was her superior...even if she cared a little more than she ought. He supposed their deep bond was to blame, carved in blood and forged by the delicate ink remnants that traced along her back. Her father's notes… Something that she had shared with him alone, and no other man would ever truly behold. It had been her first sign of trust, but it was also the reminder of their shared burden. Nothing could change that… not even the military's anti-fraternizing policy.
"Good nighd, lieutedadt." Roy murmured momentarily, realizing he'd already been starting to drift off among his thoughts. It could have just been his imagination, but he swore before he closed his eyes that he saw a smile creep across her lips.
"Sweet dreams, sir."
Author's Note:
Oh my goodness! What is up with these long breaks between chapters? You'd think I'm trying to draw out the suspense or something. ._. In all seriousness, a lot of stuff has been going on in real life. I won't go into all the details. However, one 'amusing' thing was that I had an ear infection for a little over a week in March. I say 'amusing' because if you recall, in Chapter 8 I noted Roy had a long expired prescription for what? Yeah, I need to stop sympathizing with the characters I'm writing about. *nervous laugh*
Anyway, another crucial factor that has kept me away is the fact that my internet service keeps dying out. Customer service with my carrier is absolute crap, but the other options for service aren't much better.
Though enough of that. Whilst writing this chapter, I was compelled to make it the last. I know, right? I'm going to miss sneezy, congested Roy too! =( However, I'm thinking now that I might write one more chapter to wrap things up a bit more. Don't know how long it will be, but I'll try my best not to keep you all waiting another whole month before I have it up. Reviews make me happy and I'll see you all in Chapter 11!