CHAPTER TEN
"Sirius?" Harry called through the door.
He rang the doorbell, knocked on the wood several times, and still there was nothing.
"Sirius, it's Harry and –"
The door swung open before Harry could finish his sentence and Sirius grinned at him. The smile in combination with the fact that Sirius seemed to be freshly washed had the effect of making him look much, much younger. Take off a few further years and Harry could imagine a young man who might have been friends with his parents. He looked… dashing, though still a little unkempt. Not that Harry could complain about other people having messy appearances.
Harry felt Lupin move up closer behind him, though he was still obscured from Sirius's view by the door. Harry bit his lip with anxiety. He'd intended to warn Sirius that they had company so that he'd at least have had the option of composing himself before he answered, or simply not answering at all. What if he didn't want to see Remus?
"Sorry, Harry, had to make sure it was you before I opened up, and I couldn't exactly answer to my name until I knew that, could I? What's wrong?"
Harry supposed he must have looked very uncomfortable.
"Um…" he started, and then simply stepped aside slightly, reaching out and pushing the door all the way open.
"Remus," Sirius breathed as his gaze fell on his old friend.
"Sirius," Lupin returned. However, where Harry had expected a warm welcome, or perhaps even a manly hug, the tone of that word was curt and spoken in what was almost a growl. Harry glanced over at the other man to see that Lupin's wand was raised and pointed at Sirius's chest.
"Give me a reason, Sirius. I swear, if you've put a Confundus Charm or something on Harry and made him believe that you're on his side, or that you love him, or whatever your sick mind thinks up, the Dementors will seem like paradise compared to me!"
Harry could feel that his eyes were wide. "You said that you trusted me! You acted like you believed me."
Lupin didn't take his eyes off Sirius, but his voice softened slightly. "Harry, I want to believe you, I really do, but I have to be sure. If Sirius is as innocent as he's said he is, he'll understand that I'm only looking out for you. By the way, you really ought to answer the door with a wand in hand, Sirius. It's just common sense when everyone in the wizarding world would love to have a go at you. Some escaped convict you make."
"Merlin, Remus, please believe me. I would never have hurt James and Lily or Harry. Peter –"
"Harry's told me your story," Lupin cut him off. With his spare hand he reached into his robes and withdrew a small vial filled with clear liquid. Harry had seen that before. He'd even been threatened with it. Merlin, how he hated Snape.
"There's no point in repeating it all to me unless you're willing to certify the truth of it."
Sirius pursed his lips. "Fine. I get it. There's no other way. Only, could we do this inside?"
"Where your wand is waiting?" Remus scoffed.
"Just inside the door if you like. Veritaserum makes me a bit dizzy, is all, and I think I'd draw a bit more attention than I'd like if I toppled over on the street in broad daylight. It's a bit early to be quite that wasted."
"Fine," Lupin barked. "But know that I won't hesitate. As far as I'm concerned right now, you killed my best friends. My family. Don't push me."
Sirius nodded slightly. "All right. Hands on my head, then. Like a criminal. I certainly know the drill now, at least."
If the situation hadn't been so dire, Harry might have laughed. As it was, he followed the two wizards inside, shutting the door after him. He finally thought to withdraw his own wand, just in case.
"You'll have to administer it, Remus. I'm guessing you won't trust me to do it, and Harry's apparently Confounded, so –"
"So enough chatter," Lupin finished the thought. "Let's get this over with. Open up."
Sirius did so and let Lupin reach over and place a few drops under his tongue.
"Right," Lupin said, self-satisfied. He steadied his wand on Sirius once more. "I'm sorry about this if you really are innocent, but I have to make sure it's working. Who was the first person you had sex with?"
"You," Sirius said immediately, and then glared at Remus.
Harry's eyes darted back and forward between them. He was pretty certain he could have caught dragonflies in his mouth.
Lupin smiled almost indulgently. For all his shock, it put Harry at ease a little.
"Right. 'I've already done my experimentation', indeed. You liar. You'd do anything to get laid." Lupin then appeared to remember Harry was in the room. His eyes darted to the young man for the first time since Sirius had opened the door. "Er, so. Embarrassing question that you never would have answered truthfully if the Veritaserum wasn't working: check. Moving on.
"Who was Lily and James Potter's Secret Keeper?"
"Peter Pettigrew." Sirius looked extremely glad to get that out of the way.
Lupin nodded, biting his lip. His wand flagged a little.
"Did you betray Lily and James to Lord Voldemort?"
"No."
"Were you ever in league with Voldemort?"
"No."
"Have you lied to Harry at any point during his stay with you?"
"Not to my knowledge."
"Oh, Merlin. Sirius."
Harry had barely even heard the clatter of a wand hitting the ground when he realised that Lupin had practically leapt at Sirius.
"You stupid idiot! Why did you swap Secret Keepers?"
"I thought Voldemort would come after me and Peter would be safe. I just wanted to know that Lily and James would be safe. Instead, I fucked up and now they're dead and it's my fault."
"No, it's Peter's fault. Merlin, his Animagus was a bloody rat! Why did that not ring an alarm bell or two? Don't answer that," Remus said as Sirius opened his mouth. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"We thought you were the spy. Dumbledore had you spending time with the werewolves. We were worried that you'd found something there that we couldn't give you."
"I thought you must have been bad-mouthing me to Lily and James and Peter, and that was why we stopped spending so much time together. Even then, I would have taken what little I got from you to anything Fenrir's little band of murders could offer any time."
Harry suddenly felt like he was intruding. He also felt strange when he looked at the two men so close together, Lupin's arm around Sirius's back. They had slept together. The thought sent a pang through him. Harry refused to call it arousal, because that would be too strange. The two men were as old as his father would have been, had seen him when he was a baby. One of them was his godfather, for Merlin's sake!
"I missed you so much," Sirius rasped. "I feel like I've lived centuries without you and James. And even Peter, but, well, good riddance."
"I can't imagine what it must have been like, living a decade and a half with Dementors drawing away every happy thought," Lupin said.
"Like hell, but a thousand times worse," Sirius responded. Harry thought that he might not have admitted to that if he wasn't under Veritaserum, because it seemed to cause Lupin almost physical pain to hear it. "I tried to tell myself that I was innocent, that I didn't betray Lily and James, because it wasn't really a happy thought. It was just the truth, so I thought I could cling to that. But then they kept making me remember that I killed Peter, and I wasn't really innocent at all, so it only partially worked. I think I'm a bit mad."
"You always were," Lupin replied affectionately. "I doubt I'll even notice the difference."
"Er, I think I'm going to go grab some food. I'm starving," Harry said, excusing himself awkwardly but efficiently.
"Wait, Harry!" Lupin called. The man untangled himself from Harry's godfather to turn and properly face him. "I'm sorry I didn't trust you completely. It's just… I see it among all the people you meet. Anyone you open up to in any way generally becomes very attached to you. I'm hardly exempt. I care about you, and not just because of your parents. I didn't want anything to happen to you."
"Oh… er, thanks. I, um, like you, too." Harry choked out.
Sirius grinned at him. "That's my godson. Such a way with words."
"Oh, shut up," Harry grunted back as he turned away in search of sustenance. Secretly, he smiled just a little.
As he was walking away down the hall, trying to be quiet so as not to reawaken the portrait of Sirius's mother, who had only just stopped screaming from when the doorbell had rung and awakened her, Harry heard Lupin say, "So, while you're still under a truth potion, who was your first kiss?"
"You. Damn it, Moony! There's such a thing as fair play!"
"I knew you weren't that experienced! You couldn't possibly have kept quiet about as many conquests as you were trying to make me think you'd had."
Harry smiled. He was glad they were getting along. He had a feeling that they needed to be alone for a while, though. There were things that needed to be said that they might not want to say in front of him. Although he would really like to know everything, he would much prefer that they got everything in the real sense of the word out into the open between them to him knowing almost everything. It would be better for both of them. Merlin knew those two had a lot of wounds to heal.
The Veritaserum wore off long before Lupin left to go back to his spying – or whatever it was he was doing, Harry wasn't sure – for the Order. The two seemed to agree without saying a word that they would keep up their full disclosure regardless, though Harry only heard snippets of their conversation. It was for that reason that Harry wasn't all that sad to see Lupin go. He liked the man, but he wanted to spend time with his godfather now that the immediacy of the threat wasn't there to distract them. He didn't think that was too much to ask.
"So," Harry said eventually. "You and Lupin are together?"
Sirius laughed. "I'm sure he'd prefer it if you called him 'Remus'. And no, not for a long time. We weren't together for long at all even back then, either. We were friends, we both liked other boys, and we lived in the same dormitory. It eventually had to happen, I think. It was experimentation for us both, really, no matter how much I had to tell Remus otherwise for him to eventually agree to sleep with me. I swear he's as much like a woman as anyone I've ever met."
"Oh," Harry said. "So nothing happened just before? When I was gone."
Sirius shrugged. "You know, the usual. We talked, we hugged, I shagged his brains out… Harry, I'm kidding," Sirius added when Harry's eyes bulged out.
"Oh, Merlin, when will you stop scarring me for life? You're my godfather!" Harry exclaimed. "It is so weird that you just told me that. And speaking of which, do I even want to ask whether you ever slept with my father?"
"I think you just did. The answer's no, by the way. Even if he wasn't completely, one hundred and ten percent straight, he had his heart set on your mother practically from puberty, whether he knew it or not. And we were far too much alike to have ever had a chance. We would have killed each other on the first date. What works as a friendship doesn't always function so well as a romantic relationship, I've found.
"Besides, he was reasonable-looking, but nothing special enough to risk our friendship over. Remus, on the other hand, was really something. He had those wonderful eyes that I just got lost in …"
Harry cleared his throat. "We have now reached my comfort level."
"And you, of course, have your mother's eyes. They would look so gorgeous if you would just ditch those glasses. And you don't have your father's nose, either, which is a blessing and a half. It always amused me that he mocked Snape's nose all the time when his really wasn't that much better. No, I lie. Nothing's as big and ugly as Snape's nose. But yes. Anyway. Overall, I'd say you're quite a bit fitter than your father. I bet you reel in the ladies with that Quidditch-toned body and those deep green eyes. Or have I misspoken? Perhaps it's the boys that catch your eye, eh?"
Harry stood silent for a moment, simply gaping at his godfather.
"Wow," he eventually said, "see that? That was my comfort zone being breached. Obliterated, even. In fact, if anyone ever finds my comfort zone, please return it – it's lost and it desperately needs to come home."
Sirius grinned. "You're a bit of a prude, Harry Potter. No one would ever mistake you for James in that respect. We couldn't get him to shut up about this and that that he'd done with Lily."
"Sirius, that's my mother you're talking about!"
"And your father," Sirius reminded him cheerfully.
"I'm never really going to get used to you, am I?"
"I doubt it." Sirius shrugged. "But look on the bright side. Life with Sirius Black is rarely boring, or so I'm told."
Harry didn't remember ever having a dull life.
However, nothing had quite prepared him for living with Sirius. He was like both Weasley twins combined into a single person, on a sugar rush. Harry had expected when he found out he had a godfather that he'd be gaining a parental figure in his life. Although it wasn't like Mrs Weasley didn't more than manage that task on her own already, so he didn't really need Sirius to be that for him. What he'd gotten instead – and he was rather certain that he'd got the better deal – was another best friend, a brother and a confidant.
Of course, the confidant bit was new on Sirius. Harry told him things he hadn't even told Ron or Hermione, like that he'd almost been put into Slytherin (and Sirius had been so pleased about that, Harry remembered), which led into even more serious things, like the ones he'd spoken to Lupin about. Even though Harry trusted that Lupin knew about darkness, having a dark creature inside him, talking about issues of murder somehow seemed to escalate to an all-new level when the person you were talking to was, in fact, a convicted murderer. Sirius had all kinds of ideas about darkness and what actually constituted murder. In a strange way, it made Harry feel slightly better about the whole thing.
In fact, talking to Sirius actually to some extent seemed to curb his hateful and even borderline murderous feelings toward Snape. It was funny, but even though Sirius hated Snape with a passion, his hate was so similar in nature to Ron's that Harry couldn't help thinking that he seemed to be the only person in the world who hated Snape for a real, not childish reason. Of course, he then abruptly was forced to consider that maybe he was being childish. It wouldn't be the first time, he'd admit.
On the other hand, though, living with Sirius wasn't all fun and relieving his own sense of guilt. Since their rooms were straight across the hall from each other, it was not a rare occasion for one of them to awaken to the other crying out due to bad dreams or, in Harry's case, visions of Voldemort's actions.
The first time it had happened, Harry had awoken to find Sirius caressing his sweaty forehead with a calming hand and murmuring soothing words. He had eventually transformed into a dog and curled up with Harry on the bed. He got through the rest of the night without being subjected to further disturbing nightmares. This happened several more times within the space of a few days.
The night that Harry awoke to harsh whimpering across the hall, he felt that he could do no less than what his godfather had done for him. He was a little surprised to find that Sirius was sleeping in his dog form. When he woke Sirius, who informed him he'd been remembering his time in Azkaban less than fondly, he had asked Sirius about it.
"The Dementors always affected me less in this form. I think that my mind is less complex as a dog, and so they didn't find it as appetising. I never fell asleep as a human for fear that I wouldn't be sane when I woke up. I guess old habits die hard."
Harry's heart clenched. No one should ever have had to become accustomed to having to take that kind of precaution unless they were truly the scum of the earth, and even then... Death would be so much more humane.
From then on, Harry didn't worry so much about his tendencies toward Snape. There were worse things in the world than wishing that a man was dead. He didn't wish for even Snape to go to Azkaban, though he thought he might have wanted Peter Pettigrew in there if he wasn't already dead, if only because that would mean that Sirius would be entirely innocent and would never have been locked up there.
When the two of them awoke in the morning, practically spooning in Sirius's bed, Harry wondered why he wasn't more embarrassed. He was nearly a grown man, physically and in the eyes of the law. He was too old to share a bed for comfort, really, even when it was with his godfather, and the only other reason for him to be sharing a bed… well, again, the man in question was his godfather. Harry really shouldn't have to keep reminding himself of that as if clinging to it. It should be just obvious.
Harry decided to write his lack of mortification off as being the result of Sirius remaining in dog form whenever they slept in the same bed. There couldn't be anything wrong with a young man sleeping in the same bed as his dog, surely.
Sirius was full of apologies, though he'd made a habit of fobbing Harry off over those past few days whenever he'd tried to do the same. Harry thought that, as the older one, Sirius might have felt that he should have been stronger, as if it was his place to be the protector rather than the protected. Harry personally thought that that was bull, but said nothing of the sort aloud.
"It's just this house. It brings back the same sorts of memories as the Dementors made me think about all the time in Azkaban," Sirius explained dejectedly.
Harry didn't blame him in the slightest. He didn't feel all that comfortable in the house on Grimmauld Place either, and he hadn't had to spend a miserable childhood there.
So that was that. Harry had organised for them to leave the house that afternoon, only a week and a half after they'd first settled in. They'd had to shrink the Black library so that they could take it with them. Some of the more valuable books had to be left behind because they wouldn't stop shrieking at a deafening volume every time an attempt was made to take them past the door leading into the library. Sirius had promised Harry that none of them were likely to be relevant to the Horcruxes and their destruction, so they'd quickly decided that the tomes were more trouble than they were worth. The shrieks as they'd burned in the fireplace had been pitched even above any sounds they'd made before that point. Somehow that really satisfied Harry, and he was sure that Sirius felt the same.
Harry had actually had no idea where they could go to stay, but Sirius seemed happy to take charge once the decision had been made that they should leave the Black house. Once he'd disguised himself well enough that he wouldn't be recognised – the news of his escape had long since been on the front page of the Prophet, so people were looking for him – they'd Flooed to a small pub in what looked to be an even smaller sort of village.
"It's a bit of a walk," Sirius mentioned twenty minutes later.
Harry, who was trailing Sirius with all the bags floating in front him – he'd had to take on the task due to Sirius's inability to secure himself a wand of his own – grunted. It took a fair amount of his concentration to direct several floating trunks about at once, especially over a long time while he was also trying not to trip over his own feet.
"You don't say?" Harry groaned.
Sirius only grinned at him. "Not much further though. Maybe ten minutes."
It turned out to be fifteen, which was lucky. If it had been twenty, Harry thought he might have hit Sirius over the head with one of the trunks and been done with him.
The house sat in what might have been the middle of nowhere if not for the town half an hour's walk away, with not another dwelling for miles. It was much like the Weasleys' place that way. The field that surrounded it would be perfect for Quidditch practice if Harry had that kind of time, he thought wistfully. The house itself looked fairly small from where he and Sirius stood, but Harry thought that it was likely that it would be a very comfortable place inside, even if it wasn't magically enhanced as some houses – Number 12 Grimmauld Place included – seemed to be.
"Is this where we're staying?" Harry asked.
Sirius nodded slightly. "If you want to. I have to tell you something first, though, before you make your decision."
Harry frowned, abruptly filled with apprehension. What could be so wrong with this nice-looking house that they'd have to find another?
"This is the house your parents owned," Sirius informed him in a low voice. Harry gaped at it. "It's yours now, of course, so you can live here if you like, but…"
"But my parents died here," Harry finished. As if in a trance, Harry walked toward the house. After a moment's hesitation, Sirius fell into step directly behind him.
"I'm pretty certain that most of the wizarding world was led to believe that it was destroyed when Voldemort tried to kill you. It was one of many steps the Ministry and Dumbledore would have had to have taken to keep tourists away. I knew better, though. I thought you deserved to at least see the place, even if you don't want to stay here."
Harry paused at the door, looking at it speculatively. "How do we get in?" he asked.
Sirius stepped forward, running his hand over the door and then nodding in satisfaction.
"I thought so," he muttered, then raised his voice for Harry's benefit. "You'll always be able to feel most Ministry-induced magic from a mile away. They've put a blood ownership ward on your door, same as there is at my parents' house. Ownership of the house passed to you, as the Potter's heir by blood, so it should open when you touch it."
Harry reached out and cautiously ran his hand down the centre of the wooden door. He jumped slightly when it sprung open.
"Right then. It was probably a good idea for them to do it, so that the house could be protected, but we'll have to change the wards if we stay here."
"Why?" Harry asked, concerned.
Sirius snorted. "Well, they're an annoying type of ward. The only people who put them on houses they're actually living in are psychotic paranoids like my parents. Just imagine actually having to personally go answer the door every time someone, even your own children, wanted to enter the house. It's a nightmare. If we'd stayed in the house on Grimmauld Place longer – and I'm very glad we didn't – I'd have been sure to change the wards to something that other people could unlock if I told them how to. Much more logical."
Harry smirked at Sirius, forgetting for just a moment that he was standing mere feet away from where his parents might have died, and where he spent a year living with them, cared for and loved.
"I've stayed at Grimmauld Place, remember? I think it's pretty unlikely that anyone would ever actually want to visit. Not like this place," he said, staring around the entrance way and through to the living room. "My parents had a good thing set up, by the looks of it. I'd visit here any day."
Sirius sniffed, obviously a little bit offended, though Harry couldn't imagine why. "Well, it's the principle of it, though, isn't it? I'd like to know that people could visit if they wanted to. And they would want to, if I was there."
Harry shook his head. "Sorry, Sirius, but not even you being there could make me go back to the Black house unless I had to. It's creepy."
Sirius shrugged. There really wasn't much he could say to that, since it was nothing but the truth.
The two men entered the house, peering about. It seemed extraordinarily clean, though the air smelled… old. It seemed as though it might have been looked after, though Harry couldn't imagine who would have done so, especially with those wards in place. When Harry mentioned it, Sirius smirked.
"That, I'm guessing, would be the Ministry's idea of a memorial. Sentimental, aren't they? For all that they didn't want tourists tramping around the place, taking advantage of it, I'm betting they wanted it to stay clean and tidy and pretty much like it was at the time. Likely, they cleaned the place up a bit, and then put a preservation spell and the wards up and having done anything to it, since. Their own wards would have locked them out."
"Good," Harry said. "It would have been a bit weird if people had been in and out of the place all the time. I don't think I'd like the idea that someone who has never even lived here has spent more time in the house than I have."
"So you like it?" Sirius asked.
"Yes. I'd like to see upstairs still, but yes."
"And you'd… you wouldn't mind staying here?" Sirius prodded, though Harry could tell that he wasn't trying to push him, as eager as he sounded.
"No. My parents might have died here, but they also raised me here. I might have still been living here with them if not for Voldemort. I'd like to have a chance to spend time in a place where I know that I was accepted and loved."
"Your parents loved you like nothing else in the world, Harry," Sirius reassured him, placing an arm across his shoulders. "You shouldn't need a house to tell you that."
"I… I don't. Of course I don't. Mum loved me more than her own life, or I wouldn't be here right now, and Dad sacrificed himself to give us both a chance to save ourselves. I know that. But it's still… it was here that they spent time with me, you know? It's a big thing. I wish I remembered it. I would love to have some memory of them."
"I wish you did as well."