In This Cage

by The-Ocean-Deep

As children, they connected. As teens, they married. After four years of separation, Cloud and Tifa reunite when he shows up injured at Sector Seven's train station. Can husband and wife mend their shaken marriage and fight against ShinRA, Sephiroth and meteor? Takes place during the events of FF7. Direct sequel to 'What It Means To Be Living' by The-Ocean-Deep.

10. Round and Round

CHAPTER 10: ROUND & ROUND

"Hold still! Honestly…" Tifa sighed, holding a cool cloth to the right side of Barret's face.

The hulking man sat hunched over on a stone, a scowl attempting to hide the defeat that lurked just underneath his angry exterior. The tiny village of North Corel, which turned out to be no more than a few dilapidated shacks and haphazard tents, had been less than welcoming to Barret when they'd found themselves in the gunman's old hometown. Before Tifa had even been aware of where they were, a small group of men had surrounded them, their colorful language every bit as gruff as their looks. It took their frazzled group a moment to realize that it was just Barret they were jeering at.

"Stop fussin', Teef."

"Just let me get some of the swelling down, okay?" she asked softly, dipping the cloth back into the cool water of the brook before wringing it out and replacing it on his purpling cheek.

Barret had refused any offers for healing from Aerith or materia, and his temper had swelled when the Cetra insisted, so Tifa decided to take matters into her own hands. No one present knew Barret better than she did and he trusted her most of all. No one else could tell that he'd been on edge for quite a while before they'd arrived in North Corel, and now the reason was clear. Tifa was surprised how much she still didn't know about him after how close they'd become. He appeared into her life at her most desperate time, giving her terrified, defeated spirit a reason to hope again after Cloud and Aria had evaporated from her life and she'd found herself destitute, empty and alone. The pair had had an unspoken agreement not to talk much about their pasts, since it was a sore subject for both of them, so instead they focused on the many needs of the moment and building a solid future as best as they could. Co-parenting Marlene, running Seventh Heaven and participating in AVALANCHE had built an unbreakable bond of complete trust between them, so Tifa wasn't surprised when he didn't cuss her out for invading his private sulk by the stream.

"Just leave it," Barret grumbled, tilting his face away from her. "I deserve it."

The men who came to 'greet' their party had bellowed at Barret: throwing punches, shouting and even spitting. Tifa had inwardly cringed, waiting for his volcanic temper to erupt and send even more hatred into the air between them. But to her great surprise, he fell silent, submitting to the humiliation. Hearing his confession after his harassers left almost brought sympathetic tears to her eyes. ShinRA had tricked the impoverished coal mining town into letting them build a mako reactor nearby, filling their heads with hopes of a better life. Everyone had been against it except for Barret's best friend, Dyne, who he revealed to be Marlene's biological father. After an attack on the reactor, ShinRA blamed Corel's residents and burned the town to the ground. This attack killed most of the residents, including Barret's wife and Marlene's mother. Barret and Dyne were attacked by ShinRA soldiers along a clilffside outside Corel, injuring Barret's right hand and causing Dyne to fall to his death. The survivors blamed Barret for everything, saying that it was his decision to override Dyne's trepidation regarding the building of the reactor. Barret accepted the blame, and it weighed heavily upon his shoulders.

"That's not true and you know it. They have no right blaming you. We were all fooled by ShinRA back then; we didn't know any better." She patted his shoulder gently with her free hand. "You were just doing what you thought was right."

"Jes' like everything else." He snorted bitterly, eyes distant as they stared ahead. "I found Marlene among the flames an' thought I could care fo' her. A way to respect Dyne an' a way to justify survivin'. Now look—she's on a whole 'nother continent, wonderin' where I went an' what happened to her home. She doesn't need me. All I bring is chaos into her life."

"Are you kidding? You're like superman to her!"

Tifa smiled at the thought of the little girl who waited for them in Elmyra's care. Carefully, she caressed Barret's cheek through the cloth and hoped he'd smile, too. Corel's air was warm and dry with a gentle wind that comforted their perspiring skin. The daytime heat was intense and uncomfortable, but temperatures plummeted at night in this desert-like climate. Relief from the sun came as the afternoon waned, a few stars starting to emerge in the early twilight.

"Yeah, sure. Then one day she'll find out who I really am and hate me, jes' like they do."

"She does know who you are. You're her daddy! You're the one who knows her favorite stories, who lets her ride on his shoulders no matter how tired he is from work and gives her baths before bedtime." Tifa lowered her hand, letting the cool wind blow soothingly over Barret's wound. "Marlene is too smart to ever think that you're anything less than what you are—a big hearted man who saved her life by risking his own!"

A quiet moment passed with only the peaceful lull of the brook in the air. It may have been a trick of the light or her own imagination, but she almost thought she could see a hint of a smile pulling at the corner of his lips.

"Guys! Hurry up, it's getting dark!" Yuffie called, bouncing over toward them. "We want to get to the Gold Saucer while we can still see where we're going!"

"Okay, we're coming," Tifa answered before standing and wringing excess water out of the cloth. She offered a hand out to help Barret up and wasn't surprised when he didn't take it. The others were waiting near the dirt road, the yellow shock of Cloud's hair a stark contrast against their drab surroundings. Tifa watched as her husband took his great sword from where it'd been resting against a rock, returning it to its place on his back. Yuffie had stolen Aerith's hair bow and a mock argument was underway. Red XIII yawned before rising to his feet, making Tifa smile with the way he—though technically an animal—seemed more civilized and reserved than the rest of them. Beside her, Barret moved to stand.

"You're too sweet t'have married a guy like that, you know," Barret said. His gaze was locked on Cloud, who appeared to be trying to ignore the squabbling girls. "He don't deserve you."

"He's…the most wonderful person I've ever met."

One of Barret's dark eyebrows rose skeptically. "Girl, you're either not as smart as I thought y'were, or you got problems."

She sighed, taking his wrist and leading him back toward the others.

"He's the one with the problems…I think. I mean, I have issues too. But he's been through something terrible—I know it! I think once we can get him all sorted out, he'll be back to his old self." Tifa heard the words coming out of her mouth, but wasn't quite sure she really believed them. "The Cloud you see isn't the one I grew up with and gave my heart to. He's hiding somewhere underneath. I just haven't found him yet."

Her words hung in the air for a moment, heavy and still, and she wondered how Barret would respond. As a young girl, Tifa had always been a cheerful optimist. The harshness of life had since molded her into a very cautious realist, but Barret was different. The handful of years they'd spent together had taught her that her friend was a bit of a cloaked dreamer, with giant dreams hidden under layers of determination and bitterness. They grounded each other: Tifa keeping his head from ascending too high into the clouds and Barret preventing her from sinking too far under the surface of her fears and insecurities. Without his companionship, Tifa knew that her heart would've been swallowed up by desperation and despair years ago, when she truly believed she was alone and that there was nothing in this world left to live for. For that, she'd be eternally grateful.

The scowl was back on his face, his posture rigid and uninviting as he stood and began to walk beside her. His mouth was twisted into a half grimace that Tifa knew she had worn many times in her life, a face only brought about by the bitter taste of stale hopes in one's mouth.

"You still believe that, huh?" he grumbled, halting his steps and looking at her head on. "How am I supposed to believe that after what he did t'you? I'll never forget how y'looked when we first met—half starved and terrified. You had nothin' because he disappeared and never even gave an explanation, even now!"

"Barret—"

"An' you want me to just trust 'im? Hell, you're still hurtin' 'cause he can't even be honest with his girl."

Tifa opened her mouth to speak, paused, and shut it again. She broke eye contact with him to focus on where her fingers loosely held onto his wrist. What could she say? Barret was right: Cloud hadn't been clear about why he'd disappeared or where he'd gone that handful of years ago. He'd left her alone to fend for herself and their unborn baby without any sort of emotional, social or financial support. The worst part about all this was that he'd clam up immediately when she tried to get some clarity over his disappearance. It was all so terribly frustrating. But no matter how badly she wanted answers, his lips were sealed and she didn't know what to do.

"I'm asking you to trust me, Barret." Tifa let go of his wrist and let her arms fall to her sides. The words slipped out of her mouth unbidden, before she could decide whether or she was worthy of his confidence when it came to this situation. "He's struggling, but he'll come around. I'm going to help him work through this and you'll see what he's really like."

"Yeah? Well I can't imagine him being anything more than his distant, cocky self."

She swallowed and closed her eyes against the cool breeze. Was that really what everyone thought of Cloud? Barret tended to exaggerate things; that was no secret. But if their other companions felt the same way, they hadn't complained about it. Perhaps that was because no one else had ever known the Cloud of the past. They had no idea that her sweet, shy boy had changed into the hardened man who they looked to as their leader. She wouldn't say he was ill tempered or angry. Even Barret's claim that he was arrogant seemed a little dramatic when one considered the confidence Cloud seemed to have in himself. But the word distant certainly did seem to describe him and it bothered her.

"I'm trying, okay?" She said, exasperation leaking into her tone. "What do you want me to do? I can't control him."

"I want you to be happy." He huffed and started walking forward again, Tifa following with wide strides to try to keep up. "Since I met you, you've been broken an' miserable. He should be doin' what he can t'make you smile."

To think that her friend could be implying that she should separate from Cloud offended her. While it was only out of his benevolence and care for her, Tifa took her marriage vows seriously. That sacred promise she made to him didn't change because of her husband's strange behavior. If anything, it should serve as her motivation to help Cloud through whatever hardships he was enduring. Even if she did consider leaving him, the knots of their past were so tangled together that she didn't think she could ever break free.

Tifa had forgotten that Barret was a widower before he'd confided in their crew earlier that day. At one time, she believed she was a widow herself when ShinRA had sent her a letter stating that Cloud was killed in action. In a way, she understood this particular sort of grief. Lifting her eyes to the back of his head, Tifa let his words sink in. She was sure that being here in Corel was painful for Barret in all sorts of ways, but reading between the lines of his tone made her think of all the memories of his wife the location stirred up. Becoming so close to Barret had shown her clearly just how enormous his heart was, despite his rough outward appearance. She'd never pried much into Barret's past, simply out of respect and empathy for how hard it could be to disclose the details of one's wounded past. But maybe she could bring some healing through the medicine of kind words.

Gathering up some courage, she spoke in a gentle voice. "If you have always been the way you are with me and Marlene, I'm sure your wife must've been the happiest lady around."

Barret's pace didn't falter, nor did he turn his head back toward her. His voice crackled like the gravel beneath their boots.

"It didn't save her, did it?"

… … …

The Gold Saucer was unlike anything Tifa had ever seen. She supposed that, if she'd never been exposed to the mammoth buildings and mass use of electricity in Midgar, that a place like this would've been startling and overwhelming to a little girl from the isolation of the mountains. Masses of people crowded the plaza as they walked about and their group tried hard to stick together. Tifa held onto Cloud's hand as he led the way, Red XIII pressed against her leg. Behind her, Aerith and Yuffie linked arms and used Barret's tall figure as an easy target to follow.

There was jaunty music and bright colors all around. Blinking lights beckoned guests to different game booths or food stands. The smell of fried treats and the sound of laughter dusted off old memories from the far corners of her mind and made her feel almost light hearted. Nibelheim's annual harvest festival was an enormous highlight of the year for the people of her village, bringing friends, visitors and vendors from miles around to celebrate and enjoy the pleasures of dance, delicious food and time with one's family. It seemed like visions of another life when Tifa used to bounce around the festival between her father and mother, holding one of their hands in each of her little ones.

Mama was from Wutai. She was her father's beautiful, foreign bride in a town where people rarely came and went. The traditional dress of the townsfolk was far different than that of her mother's culture, and while little Tifa was always dressed like any other young lady in Nibelheim, Mama chose to wear her finest traditional garment to an exciting event like the harvest festival. Her mother's crimson kimono stood out like a candle in the dark among the rest, clashing horribly with the plain dress of the other festival goers. Even if it was strange, Mama did what she wanted, and Tifa thought she was both brave and exquisitely lovely. Maybe it was beautiful to be different. Cloud had always been different; even her earliest memories of her husband were of his soft voice and deep sense of understanding that couldn't be fathomed by any of the other young boys. The other kids (and even the adults) had shunned him for reasons beyond his control, the main one being that he lived in a fatherless household in a very conservative place. It made his life, and his mother's life, so much harder than necessary.

And now, Cloud was still different. He was still a man of few words, but was more brash and assertive that she'd ever known him to be. Barret had called him 'cocky', but was he just trying to act the way he thought he should as their leader and as a man who was fed up of being pushed around by people? Maybe he had finally snapped and had had enough of being the submissive victim of injustice. Was he acting on the offensive now instead of defaulting to the defensive position he'd been taught to take? It was the only way that Tifa could justify this change in Cloud with the lack of information that she had about what he'd been through these four years past.

Like her mother's kimono, he can be bold and different and it was still okay, right?

His fingers gripped her palm tightly as they weaved through the crowd. Tifa felt like a toddler, distracted by all the sights and sounds and neglecting to pay attention to where Cloud was leading them. When they finally stopped against the side wall of a restaurant in the Gold Saucer's main plaza, she snapped out of the intoxication from the cheerful environment.

"Ugh, we've been walking forever!" Yuffie groaned, slumping dramatically against the wall. "Can't we sit and eat or something?"

Cloud regarded her with a blank expression. "No."

"What's your problem! I mean, we've already blown a rediculous amount of gil just to get into this place. We might as well make the best of it," the ninja rebuttled, fearlessly staring their blonde leader right in the eye.

Tifa's gaze wandered over to Barret, who had been seething with quiet hostility since they'd left Corel. He looked just about ready to snap with impatience, but stayed silent for the moment.

"Look, we're not here to have fun. We're here because we are tracking Sephiroth and are looking for clues to his whereabouts," Cloud said, glaring right back at her. "We don't have time to indulge."

"You are the worst!" Yuffie whined. "We're all starving! Right, Red?"

Red XIII looked uncomfortable being put on the spot. He seemed torn between his usual quiet compliance to Cloud's leadership and his own needs. "We have been traveling for quite some time. Perhaps it would be in our best interest to have a little rest?"

"He's right. Let's have some fun!" Aerith jumped in. "We can finally get some decent food! I'm tired of eating out of cans by the fireside."

Tifa looked to her husband, then, who closed his eyes in defeat. She attempted to reward his patience by putting an encouraging hand to his back. He was a driven leader, but wasn't insensitive when it came to the requests of the others. It was obvious to her that the man cared about all of them, even if he never verbalized it. Surely he loved her as much as he always did and just had trouble saying so, right?

"Fine," Cloud said. "Take some time and recharge. Do what you want and we'll meet up at the hotel by midnight. Does that sound reasonable?"

"Alright!" Yuffie cheered,bending down to pull Red XIII into a squeezing hug.

Barret, who was leaning his back against the wall, crossed his arms and huffed. Aerith looked over to him, a big smile on her face. Inwardly, Tifa cringed, knowing what was about to happen but was powerless to stop it.

"Aww, come on." Aerith cooed, walking up to Barret and leaning in toward him. "Cheer up, Barret!"

His scowling face didn't change. "I ain't in no cheery mood. So jes' leave me alone."

"Really? That's too bad," she replied with a 'tsk'. To Tifa's horror, the Cetra reached out to grab his bicep, giving it a gentle tug in an attempt to try and free his arm. "You should join us, we're going to go play!"

That did it.

"So, PLAY!" Barret exploded, ripping his arm away from Aerith. "Y'all wastin' time, messin around! I'm outta here. Don't forget we're after Sephiroth!"

Yuffie's eyes were wide as saucers from the sudden outburst and Red XIII's were squinted shut from the volume of Barret's voice. Aerith didn't seem bothered or the least bit surprised and just placed her hands on her hips with a frown of her own. Cloud raised his eyebrows as Barret turned and stormed away into the crowd. Tifa almost called after him, but thought better of it. He'd be more reasonable after he cooled off from such an emotional day. Until then, being alone may be the best thing for him.

"Well then," Aerith said, replacing the smile on her face. "Let's go eat. You were hungry, right Yuffie?"

"I'm starving!"

Being with their group was a strange comfort to Tifa when she wanted to hide from her problems. If she was always around the others, she didn't have to be alone with Cloud and try to think of ways to address the issues between them. It was so much easier to hide in the pressing matter of their pursuit of Sephiroth (which is what seemed to be what Cloud was doing), and she'd been guilty of that behavior. But no more. Summoning courage wasn't always an easy thing for her, but if it would help her marriage then she couldn't turn away from this challenge. Shyly, Tifa peeked up at her husband's face and decided to take a risk.

"Hey, Cloud… Would you want to take a walk together?"

His attention turned to her and she was instantly sucked into the vacuum of his gaze. Cloud had always had striking eyes, long before he'd ever been exposed to mako. They were always large with a unique shade of blue, and the combination had given him a constantly startled look as a child. But as an adult, they gave him a sharp appearance that became unnerving when he was angry. But they were always mirrors of his heart and his mood, making it easy for her to understand his feelings in the often times that he couldn't find the words to express them. Growing up together and being best friends and lovers had given her the gift of understanding him in many intricate ways. But lately, he had made himself unreadable: eyes blank of emotion and mouth always pressed into a straight line. His thoughts were veiled and it made her feel lonesome.

"Yeah, let's do it. Yuffie is giving me a headache."

The teenager frowned instantly. "Hey!"

"Never mind him! Yuffie, Red, let's go!" Aerith said with a smile as she tugged the ninja's arm. "Let's eat already and leave these love birds alone."

With the promise of food, Red XIII and Yuffie readily followed Aerith's lead. Tifa smiled as Cloud took her hand, grateful for this small gesture that needed no prompting, and followed him back out into the crowd. They strolled along together, pace unhurried and destination uncertain. As they walked along, they'd exchange small smiles and speak little. Tifa couldn't help but examine him, eyes taking in the new healthy tint of his skin and reveled in the fact that Cloud no longer looked emaciated and sick. He'd finally begun to fill out and seemed much better and physically stable than he ever had since she'd found him clinging to life at Sector Seven's train station.

The colorful sights and jovial bustle around them served as a fine distraction from the weight of their troubled connection, slowly suffocating them. The breath of trust and joy and hope that had brought them together during their perilous childhoods was quickly escaping, and Tifa knew that it would be impossible to draw in another. Something had to be done, and if he wouldn't take the lead than she would. She had to rebuild their bridge before it was too late, reconnecting their bridge of loving memories to the boundless future could still hold so much promise. A wave of screams sounded from a nearby coaster as Tifa tugged at Cloud's hand, pulling him in the direction of the chocobo races with forced bravado on her face. He followed without resistance. They passed food carts and dozens of rides, the twinkling lights of a carousel catching Tifa's eye as they hurried past. Until now, they'd been like a broken merry-go-round, revolving endlessly around bristling emotions and hidden truths without the option to get off.

She was trying so hard to be brave. All those years of pushing away the pain of her past had only made things worse, and Tifa had promised herself that she'd try to confront things head on in the future. But this was so hard. All Tifa wanted was the Cloud that had left her to on a routine mission a handful of years ago. She wanted to run into the arms of the sweet young man who showed her with every word and action that she was his most precious companion. After so many lonesome nights laying alone, thinking he was dead and dreaming about his gentle embrace, Tifa thought that maybe it was too hard for her to accept that although Cloud was here, he really wasn't. He had come back from the dead but was still dead somehow. The couple arrived that the racing arena, bet a few gil on birds of their choice and settled into their stadium seats. Sometimes, when Cloud said something or expressed gestures familiar that he had since childhood—such as clearing his throat when things had been quiet for too long or the way he'd run fingers through his unruly hair when unsettled—made Tifa believe that maybe her beloved wasn't really gone for good. Perhaps he was just sleeping somewhere deep inside his heart.

Happy memories of their childhood were so precious to Tifa. She kept them neatly organized in her brain, like a meticulously kept scrapbook, preserving even trivial details of their experiences. It hurt to remember how they'd find such joy in even the mundane things, like weeding their parents' gardens or collecting firewood. Now, as they sat watching races in the world's largest amusement park, they fought to find the right words to exchange. Tifa wasn't certain what hurt more: her many attempts at conversation falling flat or the fact that she couldn't even get him to smile when they were alone. Eventually she turned her attention to the races and hugged herself with her arms, ignoring the stray bits of popcorn that crunched under her boots as she moved.

When she inquired about their past, Cloud seemed to close himself off. Originally, she felt that bringing up fond memories they shared would serve two purposes: put Cloud at ease and help him relax by stirring up happiness inside him and help her evaluate her husband's mental state. He seemed to express discomfort with recalling the past. Most times he'd remember things accurately, but it seemed to be quite difficult for him. All of this time, Tifa's plan to help him heal revolved around their lengthy and intricate history, but it didn't seem to be working. But she had no plan B, and didn't know where to start when it came to considering other options for Cloud's healing. How could they step forward if their past wasn't acknowledged and mended? Often times, as she searched her past for pleasant memories to share with Cloud, she'd think of holidays and special occasions spent with her parents before death had ripped her Mama from their lives. She and Cloud had barely had the time to make many happy memories together as a married couple, and they certainly never had the chance to make family memories with their baby girl.

Perhaps, she should focus of what lay ahead instead. But like making a risky bet on an underdog bird, she knew that asking about the future could be dicey. She blindly watched the races for a while, trying to piece together the best way to express this to him.

Conflict must have shown on her face because before she knew it, she felt Cloud's warm hand on her shoulder. She turned her face upward to look at him, startled out of her concentration.

"Hey," Cloud asked, brows furrowed. "Are you okay? Your bird won and you didn't react."

The way he was looking at her and the discomfort in her heart had weakened her and she unintentionally let her guard down. Before she could think better of it or use some of her carefully constructed inquires, her mouth blurted her worries out into the air.

"What's going to happen to us, Cloud? Are we going to be alright?"

Blonde eyebrows rose as she resisted the urge to clap her hands over her mouth in shock. Great job, Tifa. Real smooth.

"We're going to be alright. We'll bring Sephiroth to justice and put all of this to rest, I promise."

But it wasn't Sephiroth that she was truly worried about. Somehow, her concern for their troubled marriage trumped her fears for the planet or her anger at ShinRA. Did Cloud know what she was talking about and artfully avoided it or did he truly think that she was referencing their current pursuit of the silver-haired menace? Either way, she didn't quite know how to respond. Her husband always seemed unsettled to a varying degree—like he could flee at any time. Would specifying the meaning of her question push him over the edge? If he did run, would he take her with him or vanish from her life as quickly as he did last time? Was it too risky to find out? There was so much at stake. Tifa swallowed hard.

"No—I mean…after all of this. When we finish this crazy journey, what comes next?" her eyes lowered as she rested her hands in her lap, studying the worn leather of her fighting gloves. "Do you think things could ever go back to the way they were?"

"Were you happy with the way things were?"

Tifa nodded, voice soft as she answered. "Yes. I mean, we had no money and lived in some less than ideal circumstances, but we were happy. All we needed was each other. But now, I feel like things have changed and maybe just having one another isn't enough anymore."

Her voice had begun to waver and she felt her face growing hot as her heart beat furiously in her chest. What was she saying?! It was the truth, but Tifa was certain that she should have expressed it more gently or in a more appropriate place. She closed her carmine eyes, waiting for Cloud to shut down and lock her out of his thoughts now that the conversation had become emotional. She felt his hand leave her shoulder, his fingers moving underneath the hair at the back of her neck.

"Tifa…" he said, palm gently cradling the base of her skull.

She couldn't resist gazing up at him when he said her name. There was something in his eyes that made her unable to look away. Something familiar, something dear… her heart began to bleed. There was sincerity on his features and everything inside her began to reach toward it, praying that her Cloud was back, even for just a few moments.

Please…please, stay.

"Everything is all mixed up now. We're all stressed and tired; pushing ourselves to the limit every day wears on us." He licked his lips before continuing. "I know it's been hard. We've—I've been struggling. But I want to make it all better; I just don't know how."

Tifa could only stare dumbly, shocked by his admission that something was indeed wrong. She was surprised by his soft tone and by the tender way he held her chin between his index finger and thumb. Had it really been so long since she had felt his heart? It was close to her now, but it would probably only be moments before something dark inside him snatched it back to hide away behind the walls he'd erected since they'd been reunited. She wanted to say something—anything to hold onto that dear familiarity as long as she could. What would it take to shake him out of his strange new self to permanently return him to the gentle hearted man he was before he disappeared?

She'd felt this way before, long ago. Tifa remembered thinking these same desperate thoughts when her father's shouts made her ears ring and the iron grip of his fingers left tiny bruises on her forearms. Mama's death had chased away her doting Papa and led him down a crooked path of misery and madness. Many a dark, still night, Tifa would lay awake: nursing her bruised spirit and praying for the answer to what would return Brian Lockhart to his former self. She'd never found an answer. Grief consumed him like a fire and it was hard learning that one cannot help those who do not wish to be helped. Sometimes, despite all your efforts, you cannot save a drowning soul. And now, Cloud was in front of her, doing something that her father had never done: he was asking her for help.

And she was going to try everything she could to pull him out of his storm into the safety of her harbor.

"We'll figure it out, it'll just take some time," Tifa said, summoning her biggest smile. "We just have to work together, especially when it's hard. You taught me that."

"I did?"

"Of course you did. You helped me through so many difficult things that I doubt I would've survived on my own."

Mama's death, her father's furies, and the lonesome late years of her childhood were only a handful of the endless things Cloud had helped her through. He'd overcome so many of his own fears to marry her, rescuing her from the oppression of living under Papa's roof, and build a life for the two of them. Her beloved held so many dreams in that head of his, pushing past the doubt that the circumstances of his existence had drilled into him. Growing up in a fatherless household had made him and his mother social outcasts since they'd arrived in conservative Nibelheim when Cloud was just a toddler. But enduring the hardships he had since babyhood had shaped Cloud into a strong, determined young man by the time he'd asked for her hand in marriage. He put his all into providing for her once they'd moved to Midgar. His long days as a ShinRA grunt may have worn down his body, but they only fanned the flames of his spirit and dream to join SOLDIER.

Tifa hadn't known it at the time, but those nights spent cuddled together in their shoebox of an apartment were some of the best memories she'd ever made. Bellies full from whatever meal she'd scraped together, the couple would share their dreams for the future while Cloud passively stroked her stomach where their tiny baby was growing. Were these days really so far behind them? It seemed like visions of another life.

Did Cloud still dream like he used to?

Blue eyes blinked, considering her words. "I guess it was kind of like the blind leading the blind. Helping people through their problems is never easy for me. I can't even help myself."

"You can," Tifa said, shyly tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "And when you can't, I'll be there to lend a hand. That's what spouses do, right?"

"That's right."

He'd lost faith in himself. It wasn't his words that told her, but his body language. It was easy for her to see that he was bending under the weight of their current circumstances: the strange state of their marriage, the responsibility of leading their party safely, and pursuing Sephiroth (who rarely left any clues or direction to his whereabouts).

"When all this is over, we'll start new. We'll try our best to reach for that dream we shared when we were living in Midgar."

Panic pulsed in Cloud's heart when she said it, and he immediately began searching his brain for any trace of a memory that would explain what she was referring to. Their dream? What was it that they'd wanted? Why couldn't he remember? She'd be so upset if he didn't remember! Swallowing hard, he let his eyes drift from hers. He didn't want to see the disappointment wash over her pretty face.

… … …

He'd brought her back to the inn only to take off again, saying he just needed some time alone. Tifa smiled through his departure only to let herself sag with disappointment when he rounded the corner of the corridor. The cup of hot tea in her hands warmed her palms, but the stillness in the air made her shiver. Pulling herself back into the room, she let the door gently click shut and tossed her small pack on the bed.

The room was large enough to accommodate their group of six, with three beds and ample space. Tifa took a minute to look around and wondered if any of their friends were there to keep her company, but the silence answered her unvoiced query. It seemed as if the others had been there already, since their belongings were lying haphazardly on the beds and floor and the small desk in the corner. It was only eight o'clock and Tifa really didn't want to be alone right now. She supposed she could go out and try to find the others, but fatigue pulled at her muscles and her heart. A hot shower seemed like an attractive idea after so many days out on the road and she relished in the simple pleasure of the steam and the floral smell of shampoo. But her concern over the emotional states of Cloud and Barret stole away her placid state of mind.

Barret would cool off, she knew. But Cloud seemed so troubled these days and it hurt that whenever he was feeling overwhelmed, he chose to run off instead of drawing near to her. She'd let him go, because attempting to force him to talk to her about it would only make it worse. He was a grown man; surely he would come to her when he was ready. Besides, what was the point of making him share with her? It didn't show any trust on his side or any understanding on hers to nag him into submission. And so, she watched him wander away.

Using her palm, Tifa wiped away the condensation on the bathroom mirror before combing out her long hair. Her bangs were beginning to look a little shaggy, obscuring her right eye if she didn't brush them back. There were bags under her eyes and her skin was beginning to lack its usual healthy luster. It was easy to blame these things on the stress of traveling, but underneath she knew that there was more to it than that. What did Cloud see when he looked at her?

She dug to the bottom of her pack for the dull pair of scissors she'd been keeping for miscellaneous things like cutting rags for haphazard bandages. Putting her fingers through the holes, she took a deep breath and carefully snipped a half inch of black hair away from her eyes. Crimson eyes stared back at her, unobscured. A sad smile tugged at her lips as she remembered looking into Mama's wine colored eyes and wondering what everyone meant when they said Tifa 'stole' them from her. According to her birth certificate, Aria had had red eyes, too.

After cleaning her hair from the sink and changing into her sleep clothes, Tifa submitted to the heaviness in her limbs and soul. The stiff mattress felt like heaven after so many nights sleeping on the ground and she buried herself under the comforter, begging sleep to find her.

… … …

The mountain air always held a chill in the evenings, even during the summer months.

Cloud hugged himself with his arms, his threadbare sweater barely providing comfort from the breeze. It had become a ritual of sorts: on rare occasions where her father wasn't home at night, Tifa would risk his wrath by sneaking out to meet Cloud in the meadow outside Nibelheim's village gate. As the pair blossomed into their teenage years, they felt that this was one of the few places where they could safely meet. Without the silent judgement of their fellow villagers, they could have the privacy they had recently begun to seek. She sat next to him now, in the rough, tall grass. They weren't children anymore. Their bodies and minds were maturing and it was all a bit overwhelming for Cloud.

But Mom always had a way of making everything a little bit better, of making the mountains he faced seem a little bit smaller. The mounting pressure to find his place in a world that didn't seem to want him would periodically rise into his throat and threaten to choke him, but his mother was always there to loosen reality's harsh grip and make everything feel like it would work out. Tifa didn't have that. He didn't remember the moment he realized that he was in love with her, but even at the tender age of thirteen, Cloud knew that this affection was laced with a sort of melancholy. She was no longer the bright eyed, giggling girl of their childhood. The smell of liquor on her breath mixed with the crisp evening air and he didn't quite know what to say.

Her dark head was bent forward and it squeezed at his heart, so Cloud moved to sit behind her. Wrapping his arms around her, he gently pulled her towards him until her back was flush against his chest. He felt helpless to save her from her struggles and anger prickled in his heart as he ran his thumbs over the bruises on her wrists. It wasn't fair. Crickets chirped and the wind sent whispers from the timberline. Watching Tifa's life crumble underneath her feet without being able to help was the hardest thing he had ever faced. He just wanted to save her, no matter what it took. Joining ShinRA and becoming a SOLDIER was sure to impress her father, right? Then he could marry her and take her far away from all the things that have ever hurt her. But what if he couldn't? What if everything went wrong?

"Cloud?" She asked, pulling him from his thoughts. Her voice quivered with her query. "What's going to happen to us?"

… … …

It's funny how the same problems plagued him even now. Cloud had let his feet carry him through the crowds, both heart and thoughts racing. The realization of the responsibility he had for Tifa's welfare and the direction of her life shook him to the core and he didn't know how to cope. And so, he'd ended up sitting at the bar of one of dozens of restaurants in the amusement park, perched on the stool closest to the wall.

He hated when their party stopped to fool around because it gave him too much time to think. He liked to work himself to exhaustion so it would be easy to fall asleep at night and not be kept awake by incessant whispers and nightmares. Here, surrounded by merry chatter, Cloud felt like he was a prisoner in the cramped enclosure of his brain—looking through the bars to the world of freedom outside. He felt like he was tapping on the glass of an impassible window and watching people go by, living their normal lives, enjoying the night and the lights and the intoxication of it all.

"Gin on the rocks," Cloud croaked when the bartender came to take his order. She was blonde and young and pretty, with ruby lipstick and glossy curls. He anticipated she would try to chat with him and was annoyed at the thought, but she filled his glass with a smile and let him be alone with his thoughts for the moment.

He wanted to run.

Cloud felt like a cornered animal, bristling and snarling and frightened. His muscled pulsed with adrenaline, urging him to flee from all that made him anxious. But where would he go? He couldn't run from her presence, couldn't run from his ghosts, and couldn't run from the guilt and inadequacy that threatened to smother him. It was impossible to run from things that lived inside him. How Cloud wished that he could somehow ask his mother how to make mole hills out of these mountains. She always knew how to face hardship with a smile. Why couldn't he possess that same bravery? Despite her kind encouragement, he had never felt confident to leave home. But his fourteen year old self had managed to gather enough courage to leap recklessly out of his comfort zone and join ShinRA. His twenty-one year old self wasn't even brave enough to confront his best friend about his issues.

Absently, he swirled the amber liquid, staring as the ice clinked against the glass. The music was loud with a happy beat that pulsed through the busy eatery. Cloud was grateful for the dim light of the bar area, just wanting to blend in with the background.

Would his younger self even recognize him? He used to have the ambition to face the things that scared him even when they were hard. But he didn't feel connected to the young Cloud that sometimes screamed in the back of his mind. It was as if he was adrift in the timeline of his life: without true emotional connection to the past or tangible connection to the future. He felt lost, like he was holding a tiny lantern on a dark path where he couldn't see what was ahead or behind. Cloud supposed that his former self might be ashamed of his behavior. But he's broken—supposedly older and wiser, but trying to hide behind alcohol and the chip in his shoulder. It wasn't right, and although he felt like he was losing his mind he still had enough sense to know it.

Frowning, he took a long sip of the alcohol and tried not to grimace as it burned all the way down. How had he known what to order, anyway? Cloud used to stare judgmentally at Seventh Heaven's patrons: bleary eyed and emotional. They were weak, he'd once thought. His pride splintered as fire spread in his throat.

Cloud had never had alcohol before, but he knew that it made some people loose and happy and able to shed fears and anxieties for a time: living in a bar for a short while had taught him that. But Cloud wasn't drinking to forget; he was drinking to feel. The 'game' Tifa tried to play with him in Costa Del Sol burned in his brain, making him frantically try to recall small details of his life and his relationship with her. Some things he remembered clearly, but the large gaps in his memory were terrifying. What scared him more than his inability to recall intimacies was the realization that the memories he could remember were more factual than anything. There was no emotion laced with the events of his past and it was unsettling, at best. Cloud could clearly imagine his wedding day, down to the detail of the lace on Tifa's dress. But why were these memories devoid of feeling? Had he been nervous to marry her? Had he been excited to take her away from Nibelheim? Why couldn't he remember how he'd felt? Fear nestled itself inside him like a disease wridden tick.

Exhaling, Cloud could smell the alcohol on his breath and the scent churned up visions from his early teenage years. There had been a handful of times he'd been around Tifa and she'd smelled of whiskey from experimenting with Mr. Lockhart's liquor. The girl suffered terribly under the weight of grief and the abusive way it manifested in her father's behavior, trying to ease it the same way her he did: with this burning substance that lit his throat on fire with each swig. His father-in-law was a rough man, full of bitterness and anger from the untimely death of his wife and subsequent disappointments. His increasingly uncontrolled drinking unchained his fury and released it upon Tifa, who was frightened and vulnerable. Both father and daughter had followed the siren's song of liquor: hoping to find escape and ease their hearts. It never seemed to bring any comfort to either of them, but could it be different for Cloud?

To his annoyance, the bar tender began attempting to make small talk. Ignoring his wedding band, she'd bat her eyelashes and flirt and giggle. He never indulged her, but she didn't seem to notice.

Four refills later, Cloud was getting impatient. More than half an hour had passed and he didn't even feel tipsy! Deep inside, he was aware of the mako's incredible effects on his metabolism and that his enhancements were probably to blame for his inability to get drunk. Squeezing the glass angrily—though careful not to break it—Cloud tried to swallow this disappointment. He couldn't even get drunk! What was there left for people like him?

Back then, all he'd wanted was to be her hero. But he'd left her behind.

What if he wasn't enough? Earlier, he had wanted to tell her he'd protect her and that she didn't need to worry, but his tongue felt swollen and the words stuck in his throat. Lies. Now, he was glad he'd never promised her happiness. All he could think about was how he'd abandoned her and his unborn baby in the most crime filled and dirty city on the planet. If he'd have been there, maybe his daughter would still be alive. Maybe he would've gotten the chance to feel her little body in his arms. He wouldn't have to wonder what her face looked like or how he could've been there to help Tifa through her physical and emotional anguish.

Being ex-SOLDIER gave him the opportunity to be a hero with his superhuman abilities. He thought she'd be so proud of him, but it wasn't enough to make her smile. When he was a boy, Cloud thought that adults always knew what they were doing since they were all older and wiser than he. But it seemed that he felt more lost than he ever had before. Did everyone grow up and keep the same insecurities that they had when they were young? Was he not the only one that felt this way? Try as he might to make progress, his feet were bound to the ground by gravity and insecurity.

The bartender had scrawled her PHS number with a heart on his receipt and his fist crumbled the paper in annoyance. A glance at the clock on the wall told him he was late in meeting the others at their rented room, but there were so many things weighing heavily on his heart that being punctual wasn't really a high priority. They'd be aggravated with him, but it didn't hurt his heart. Cloud kept his emotions hidden away in a seldom visited place inside him, where dust piled up like snow, veiling his genuine self from the outside. As far as he was concerned, it was his only defense against all that raged within. If the others saw the weakness lurking deep within him, surely they'd abandon him as their leader and companion. If Tifa knew just how broken he was, would she drift away from him, too?

Head lowered, Cloud shuffled out of the restaurant and disappeared into the crowd.

... ... ...

A/N: When I first started In This Cage, I'd intended for it to be a series of drabbles, which would've been more manageable for me at this point in my life. How in the world did it evolve to such lengthy chapters? xD I guess I feel like I owe it to the handful of kind people who still read and review this story!

Cloud is aggravating, isn't he? But he's struggling so much. Who do you think is worse off—him or Tifa?