A couple of days pass and Kurt suddenly finds himself in a face-off with the shrink. Well, he thinks it's a face-off, she doesn't seem to agree.
"Hi Kurt. I know it says Dr. Johnson on my business card, but I want you to call me Liz. Ok?"
Kurt doesn't answer, just crosses his arms over his chest and stares at her, trying to keep his face blank.
"Ok, great," she continues warmly, seemingly undeterred by Kurt's Ice Queen act. "So, Kurt, what brings you here today?"
Kurt shrugs.
"You know, you're stuck with me for an hour. Even if you think you're not going to get anything out of this, you might as well play along."
"You already know why I'm here, why do I have to tell you?"
"I, uh, I don't really. Your Dad called, said he's worried about you, that he got my name from Officer Bradley. But that's not really knowing anything."
Kurt rolls his eyes and, instead of answering, stands up and asks if he can use her computer. Liz nods her head, but knits her eyebrows together in confusion. After minute, Kurt turns the computer back towards her, one of Jacob Israel's blog posts is illuminated on the screen.
"I don't…"
"Just read," Kurt says softly before returning to his seat.
The post contains, like all of Jacob's work, all of the details of the story that the weasel can find. Which means that the thing is basically the courtroom version of the story rewritten in the third person, but Kurt and Finn's names are left off. Kurt is certain that Puck had something to do with that bit of kindness. Eventually Liz looks up at him, her expression still confused.
"It's about me. Well, my brother too. Mostly me."
Liz nods once and closes her computer screen. "Why don't you tell me about it, in your own words?"
"Those are close enough to my own words. He was at the trial. He records everything."
Liz bites her lip and stares back at Kurt for a while before throwing her hands up, "Ok, I get it, you don't want to talk about it. Makes sense. I probably wouldn't either. But, either way, we still have 50 minutes to kill. So how about we talk around it? What happened to you can sit like a big, pink elephant in the room. How long do you think we can go without running into it?"
Kurt shrugs and tries to maintain his blank stare, but he has to fight not to smile a little at that. He decides that he likes this woman. "Ok, let's play."
Liz smirks. "Ok, let's start easy. What's your favorite color?"
"Blue."
"Why?"
"It was…it reminds me of my mother's eyes."
"What happened to her?"
"She died. Cancer. Almost nine years ago now."
"Ok, so, we've hit an elephant. Wrong one though I'm guessing."
Kurt smirks and nods; "Your move."
"What do you do for fun Kurt?"
"Well, I'm in glee club at school and…I'm a cheerleader."
"Very impressive. What do you like about those things?"
"I love the feeling of performing, being on stage. I'm a natural diva, if you couldn't tell. And…oh, this sounds stupid, horribly cliché…"
"What is it?"
"Well, when I'm on stage…I finally feel like…somebody you know? Like all the lights are on me, for once, and I'm not just the school fag, I'm…special."
"That's not stupid Kurt. Anything else?"
"I, um…I used to like helping my Dad out in the shop. It was one of the few places where we could bond over something we liked doing together. I…he's such a guy, you know?"
"Was? You used the past tense there. What changed?"
"I, uh…Jim."
"Check and mate." Kurt glares at her. "So, are you going to talk about it now, or should we keep playing? We're tied now I guess, one-one. Want to play first one to five?"
Kurt grins. "Your move."
And the two keep going, filling the whole hour with their admittedly warped game of chess. But it gets Kurt talking and it lets Liz see exactly how many aspects of Kurt's life have been affected by his experiences with Jim.
"What's your favorite food?" eventually leads to "I, uh, I just haven't been very hungry lately. Not since…" Kurt gets a point because Liz's question about his taste of clothes winds up hitting a dead-end: "I just figure, I can't change my voice or anything else about who I am, so I'm always going to stand out. Might as well be fabulous." Same goes for her attempt to link the fact that most all of his friends are girls to Jim: "Seriously? I made the whole football team do the 'Single Ladies' dance, they're not exactly lining up to play the role of my best friend either."
Liz gets back on the board by asking about Kurt's relationship with his father and he has to admit that things are strained between them, especially now because Burt can see Kurt falling apart and feels absolutely helpless. By the end of the session they are tied, four to four.
"Last point. Your move."
"I'm sorry Kurt but I have to pull out the big guns this time. How have you been sleeping?" Kurt drops his eyes to the floor and crosses his arms over his chest. "That's what I thought. How bad?"
"I…I thought it would get better, after the trial. But, it's somehow…worse. I can't…I panic every time I close my eyes. I feel his hand here," whispers Kurt, wrapping his hand loosely around his throat, "and I can't breathe. It's…pathetic really. I'm sixteen years old and all of a sudden I'm terrified of the dark."
Liz arches her eyebrows, "You know Kurt, a lot of people wouldn't have survived what you went through. You're anything but pathetic."
Kurt laughs bitterly and then whispers, "I almost didn't." Liz tilts her head, silently questioning. "I-I almost didn't…survive."
"What do you mean?"
"I, uh, after the first time he…the first time it went that far I…I took my dad's gun out. And I…I almost…" Kurt trails off and looks at his feet. Liz sighs.
"Also…not pathetic. You're still here-"
"Yeah," says Kurt, cutting her off harshly and looking back up again, "you know why I am? Because I was thinking about how much Jim would miss me. He…everything he said…it's still in my head. I can't get him out of there!"
Liz grins at him, "Now we're getting somewhere. Here," she says, scribbling something on a prescription pad and handing it across the table, "Xanax. Take one when you feel yourself starting to panic, maybe they'll help you get some sleep. See? I'm good for more than just conversation." Kurt takes the prescription and pockets it, standing up to leave.
"I'll see you next week?"
Kurt nods once and makes his way to the door. "Oh, and Kurt? That's pretty fucked up you know. I can think of hundreds of more sane reasons for you to not have killed yourself."
Kurt rolls his eyes, trying to suppress a grin. Yeah, he really likes this lady.
Finn is halfway up the basement stairs when he hears somebody yelling in the kitchen.
"…I'm just exhausted, ok! Can you just leave it alone!"
Oh. Kurt. Finn wonders what that's all about but then he remembers that today was Kurt's first day of therapy. Must not have gone very well. Finn hears Burt sigh, but can't make out what he's saying. Whatever it is, it must make Kurt mad because the next thing Finn hears is the sound of feet stomping towards the basement door.
The door flies open and Finn smiles sheepishly up at Kurt, "I was, uh…just going…"
Kurt rolls his eyes at Finn and brushes past him without saying a word. For a moment Finn forgets what exactly he was doing on the stairs in the first place—Oh right, popcorn-and then decides that it can wait. He turns around and heads back downstairs.
Puck and Kurt are both sitting on the couch. Well, actually, Kurt is lying on the couch, curled up with his back to Puck and Puck is eying him warily.
"Did um…bad therapy session, huh?"Kurt doesn't answer, just raises his head to glare at Finn. "I just…I heard you yelling in the kitchen. Are you ok?"
Kurt's expression softens a little and he lowers his head back to the couch; "I'm fine, really. Therapy was actually kind of…nice. I just…Dad wanted to talk about it. I'm tired of talking about it! It feels like that's all I've been doing for the past two months."
"Oh." Finn gets the sense that they're not talking about Kurt's therapy session after all. "Ok, well…Puck and I were going to watch a movie. Wanna join? I'll make popcorn enough for the three of us." Kurt scrunches up his nose at the mention of popcorn. "…Or not. We can go upstairs if you want to be alone..."
"N-no. Stay here. I'd like that."
Finn smiles triumphantly and turns back towards the stairs.
"Hey Finn!"
"Yeah?" he responds, turning back to face Kurt.
"Can you…will you tell Dad I'm sorry? I didn't mean to yell. Today just took a lot out of me."
"Sure thing."
When Finn comes back downstairs, Kurt is still curled up on the couch, but this time his head is in Puck's lap.
"Seriously? Are you two finally going to make-out or something?" Puck glares at him. "Sorry! I'm just saying…" Puck is still glaring. "O-K….I'll take that as a no."
Puck nods once and then refocuses his gaze on the movie that is playing on the screen. Finn's never heard of it, but it's the kind of action-adventure movie that he really likes. It has a simple plot and a lot of things explode. Halfway through, Finn turns to Kurt to apologize for the lack of 'substantial character development,' but he notices that Puck's hand is resting on Kurt's shoulder, stroking it gently, and Kurt is fast asleep. Finn shakes his head, smiling, and focuses his attention back on the screen; an entire building is engulfed in flames.
The movie ends and, almost instantaneously, Finn's stomach rumbles.
"Puck," he whispers, trying not to wake Kurt up, "I'm hungry. Burt and Mom are out on a date…wanna order a pizza?"
Puck nods and mouths, "Hold on, I'm coming," and tries, as gently as he can, to extract himself from underneath Kurt's head. It's funny to watch; Puck tries to swap a pillow for his lap, the way bad guys in cartoons always try to take things from museums. It doesn't work.
Kurt wakes with a start and whimpers.
"Sh, Kurt, you're ok…" Puck starts, obviously trying to keep Kurt from freaking out.
"I know dummy," Kurt says grumpily, "I just…you're warm." Finn works hard to stifle his laughter. "Where're you going?" Kurt mumbles, rubbing his eyes sleepily.
"We're just going to go upstairs and order a pizza. Go back to sleep."
Kurt shakes his head and sits up; "Can't."
The three boys head upstairs and Finn makes a beeline for the phone; he knows the number for his favorite pizza place by heart.
"Make sure you get something with vegetables on it!" begs Kurt from across the room.
Finn raises his eyebrows, "You're actually going to eat? Like, real food?"
Kurt shrugs. "Maybe."
Finn grins and he can see Puck smiling on the other side of the room. "Ok, you got it. Vegetables it is."
Finn places their order and turns back to the other two. "They said they'd be here in twenty minutes. But I'm starving, I don't think I can wait that long."
Kurt rolls his eyes and grins, "You're hardly starving Finn, you just ate two hours ago!"
"Yeah, well…" and Finn can't think of a comeback so he just sticks his tongue out at Kurt. The smaller boy's smile gets even bigger. It's nice to see.
"You're happy. Feeling better?"
Kurt nods, "Yeah, I think talking to Liz, the shrink…I think it's a good thing. Just…hard."
"See, I told you," Puck chimes in.
"You were right about something else too," Kurt says, rummaging through his bag which is hanging from the back of his chair. "Here," and he tosses an orange vial to Puck.
"Xanax, sweet."
"Yeah, now maybe I'll get some sleep."
Finn grins and reaches down to ruffle Kurt's hair affectionately, "I'm happy for you."
"Thanks," Kurt responds, simultaneously batting Finn's hand away, "Now stop that. You're messing up my hair."
The mood in the room stays light; the three boys joke around and play cards. But while Puck is dealing a new hand in poker, he grins slyly at Kurt and says;
"I'm surprised you fell asleep during that movie."
"You know, it really wasn't my cup of tea Noah.."
"Yeah, but all those half naked men. Surprised you weren't jerking off there, in my lap." Kurt's smile collapses and, just then, the doorbell rings.
"Must be the pizza, I'll go get it," Kurt says tersely.
Once Kurt's out of the room, Finn smacks Puck in the head lightly. Ok, maybe it's a little more than lightly…he's been waiting to get back at Puck since that time with Kurt's car.
"Hey, ow! What'd I do?"
Finn sighs, "Really? And people think I'm the dumb one…" Puck doesn't respond, just rubs his head gingerly. "Ok, look. I didn't…couldn't…do that for weeks afterwards. I don't think Kurt…"
"Wait, back up. What?"
Finn drops his eyes to his hands and starts picking at the calluses on his palms. "Jerk off, ok? I couldn't without feeling…gross. And…I didn't really want to. I just, I don't know, but I bet it's the same for Kurt. So lay off ok?"
"I was just joking."
"I know." The two boys look up and see Kurt standing in entryway to the kitchen. "I know you were joking," Kurt continues, his voice shaking a little. "And, uh, thanks Finn."
Puck raises his eyebrows but stays silent. Kurt places the pizza on the table and the boys dig in, not bothering with plates. After a minute Puck clears his throat and breaks the silence.
"So…what you're saying is…you haven't gotten off…in seven months?" Finn sees Kurt blush bright red and look away from the bigger boy.
"I mean, I have…"
"No," Puck says harshly, cutting Kurt off, "those times don't count. Is that ever going to stick? What I mean is…you haven't wanted to get off for seven months?"
Kurt shakes his head.
Puck whistles. "Man, you really are fucked up. I'd probably be dead by now, if I were you."
Finn narrows his eyes in anger, "Puck, shut up. You just don't…" but he notices that the grin has returned to Kurt's face.
"Oh gee, thanks Noah," Kurt says, rolling his eyes playfully.
"Anytime Hummel."
Finn sighs and buries his face in his hands. "Tell me when you two are done flirting ok? I'll be right over here."