Side Quest 9: How To Speak Drunkenese

Officer's Quarters, 2100hrs
Cpt. Jack Haddock

The knocking on my door draws me away from the pile of paperwork on my desk. Glancing at my watch, I wonder who it could be at this late hour. Beside me, Toothless stirs from his sleep, growling softly. Getting up, he assists me with getting off my chair; I still have yet to get fully used to it – while I can walk and climb stairs smoothly now, I still need some assistance standing up.

"Thanks, buddy." It had taken some pains, but I had negotiated for Toothless to stay with me in my room.

Gingerly making my way over to the door, I get Toothless to stay behind; the Night Fury had a nasty habit of pouncing on anyone he didn't know. The knocking is getting a little more frantic.

"Coming!" I finally unlock the door and swing it open.

I am greeted by an extremely awkward sight.

"YOOOO! LOOKIT HERE WHO WE GOT! JACK, MY BUDDEEE!"

"…Astrid? You okay?" She stumbles past me into my room, a wide, ridiculous grin plastered on her face. Her voice sounds funny, notched up a few decibels. Lightly punching me on my shoulder, she takes a few more steps into the room.

"YESH. I AM FINE-hic-" tripping over a chair, she lands face-first onto the floor. "SHTILL FINE."

Looking out the door, I see Ilena standing there sheepishly, hands fiddling behind her back. Voice filled with disbelief, I voice out the question that is now burning into my mind, "Uh…What happened?"

"THE UNICORN IS PEEING RAINBOWS ACROSS THE HARBOUR! WE MUST STOP BATMAN BEFORE HE EATS THE PRESIDENT'S SOCKS!"

"It's my fault, Sir. I probably shouldn't have offered her the vodka." Slapping my forehead, I can only sigh deeply in resignation. Great, she's drunk. Behind me, she pokes the unmoving black lump that is Toothless.

"Never mind, Ilena… You head on back to your bunk and rest. I… I'll take over from here."

Bowing her head in apology, she closes the door for me while I lift Astrid up from the floor, before the now-irritated Toothless can smack her across the room with his tail.

She grabs my hair. "WHOO- I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS SO SOFT! IT'S SOOOOO NICE TO TOUCH! EEEEEE~"

Ignoring the incessant rubbing of my hair, I pause for a moment, and decide to make a video recording of this with my cell phone camera. When her mind returns to normal, she surely wouldn't believe a single word that I say, so I would need evidence to prove it.

"WATSH YOU DOING TO MEEE."

"You're drunk, Astrid, let's get you to bed."

"NO I NOT DRUNK -hic- LET ME GOOO." She attempts to wriggle free from my grip in her drunken stupor, but fails miserably. Wow. Surprised at what alcohol can do to you, I take advantage of her lack of muscular strength as a result of her inebriated state, and drag her over to my bed.

"AAH HA JACK IS TAKING MY ASS TO BED! WHOO BET YOU NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THAT!" Laughing at her own stupid joke, she gives up resisting me. I can only roll my eyes at her idiocy. The charm of her alcohol-induced humour knows no bounds.

After much struggling, and some help from Toothless, I finally manage to get her to lie down on my bed. The smell of alcohol on her breath, her face is flushed redder than a tomato. What am I going to do with her?

Looking over to Toothless, he snorts and looks away, before curling up into a corner, falling back to sleep. She's your problem, not mine.

Sighing, I return to my table to clear up.

Suddenly, I feel something soft hit the back of my head. Surprised, and a little shocked, I turn around and pick up whatever it was that hit me. Brown fabric… is this a tank top?

Realising the gravity of the situation, I whip around to look at Astrid. My face going beet-red, I rush over as soon as I catch sight of her, throwing the nearest available jacket, normally slung over my chair, onto her now-bare torso, save for a black strapless bra.

"A… Astrid! What are you doing? !" Shoving me away, she slips off the jacket and proceeds to unbutton her pants.

"AAN~ ITSH SO HOT. WHATSHUP WITH THIS BLANKET. I DON WANNA NO BLANKET. MMMNNNGH!" Moaning, she kicks the sheets off my bed along with her boots, struggling to slide her pants off. I only catch a glimpse of her beautifully-tanned, slender thighs before I make a dash for my bathroom door, breathing heavily, heart hammering away, my face burning up.

No, this is not good; not good at all! I had to think of something, and fast!

I look around for something I can use. Nothing but soap, a shower, and towels… my mind is wandering all over the place, imagination stepping into forbidden territories. I had to mentally slap myself a couple of times to calm myself down.

… That's it!

Stepping out of the bathroom, I have a face towel wrapped around my eyes. Not the best solution, but the only one I can think of at the moment. I slowly work my way over to the bed, switching off the lights on the way there just in case, based on the layout of my room as I remember it.

In Asia, they say that in times of trouble, your inner third eye will open to give you sight even when you are blind. I really hope it's true.

When I finally reach the bed, I cautiously peek from underneath my blindfold, just to make sure.

There she is, lying there on her side in nothing but her underwear; a black strapless bra, a matching pair of bikini briefs and a pair of brown ankle-length socks. Her eyes are closed; she's probably already knocked out. Gulping, I pull the towel back over my eyes to stop them from wandering any further. Silently, I reach for the sheets; I don't want her catching a cold now from the freezing desert night air, she's already perspiring pretty badly, from the effects of the vodka.

That musky smell of alcohol, combined with that sweet smell that always accompanies her… Unable to resist, I peek again as I draw the sheets over her. The sweat on her body shines under the blue moonlight. The shadows accentuate her svelte figure, outlining the defined contours of her muscular, yet slender physique. The tanned skin is a strangely artistic contrast with the white, crumpled sheets she is lying on. My heart beats even faster at the scene of beauty; I'm afraid the loud thumping might wake her up.

"Jack?" My heart stops for a moment, and I whip around to face away. I didn't need any misunderstandings now…

"Jack… are you there?" Her voice is tired, soft… a little slurry, though.

"Ah… uh, yeah," I uneasily reply, stuttering from nervousness.

"… Do you like me?"

The question stuns me. It's probably the alcohol, but she has never been so frank with that topic before. "Why… why do you ask?"

"… Are my boobs too small?" Definitely the alcohol speaking there. Sputtering, I don't know what to say or do at that moment.

"… Astrid, you need to rest." Adjusting the blindfold, I resume pulling the sheets back over her. But a soft hand pushes the towel off my eyes, leaving me baffled, not knowing where to look, and very embarrassed, "Look at me, Jack."

"Astrid, I…"

"LOOK AT ME!" her voice is wavering, and from the corner of my eyes, I see her eyes are shimmering in the light.

Trying very hard to keep my cool, I focus my eyes on hers. As our gazes meet, I see in front of me a defenceless, insecure girl who just wants to be loved.

"Do you like me?" She repeats the question. A smile creeps across my face, and I sigh.

"… Yeah, I like you… heck, I love you, Astrid. There's no other person for me, honest. Now don't you worry, just have a good rest for tonight." Moving closer, I give her a light kiss on the lips. Her red face turns an even richer shade of crimson. Lying down, she lets me pull the sheets to cover the rest of her body, and I watch in silent amusement as she drifts off into dreamland.

Now all I need is a cold shower...

Officers' Quarters, 0800hrs
Lt. Astrid Hofferson

My throbbing brain is enough to wake me up. Struggling to keep my eyes open, I look around the room for any sign that would tell me what happened yesterday. The aching head is numbing, the pain blocking out all rational thoughts except for this one.

What the hell was I doing last night? !

Wait. This isn't my room. I'm only in my underwear. I was drinking last night. The realisations come to me one by one, and like a connect-the-dots puzzle, I slowly put together the picture.

I wake up in another person's room in my underwear after a night of drinking. My head in my hands, my imagination works wonders in coming up with possible scenarios.

Before I can do anything else, a strange feeling churns from my stomach. Oh shi-

Making a dash for the bathroom, I empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet. The horrid taste of stomach acid fills my mouth, worsening the still-pounding headache. I swear there's a little man doing construction work inside my skull. Retching a second time, the nausea fills my systems.

I'm never doing that again. Ever.

Panting heavily, I flush the toilet and wash out the taste of stomach acid from my mouth.

Walking out of the bathroom, still in my underwear, I try to make sense of the situation.

That is when I notice Jack. Slumped over the table, he is deep asleep. Next to him is a note, a large bottle of water and a box of headache relief pills. On the table is also a set of neatly-folded casual clothes.

Got these from the dispensary last night. I'm pretty sure you'll need them. Take the bottle of water; rehydrate yourself to shorten the hangover. I've washed your clothes; in the meantime feel free to use mine. You're lucky it's a Sunday morning :)
Love, Jack.
P/S You might want to take a look in my phone.

After popping a couple of pills and downing half the bottle, I put on a set of Jack's T-shirt and long pants. They fit rather well, to my surprise. Finally, I turn my attention to the oddly-worded last sentence.

Flipping open his cellphone conveniently placed on his bedside table, I notice a video file. I play it, out of curiosity.

"WHOO- I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS SO SOFT! IT'S SOOOOO NICE TO TOUCH! EEEEEE~ SOFTIE HAIR EEEE~"

"NO I NOT DRUNK -hic- LET ME GOOO."

"AAH HA JACK IS TAKING MY ASS TO BED! WHOO BET YOU NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THAT! NYAAHAHAHAAAA!"

HOLY SHIT.

Burying my head in my hands in shame, I can only curl up in the corner, traumatised by my drunken alter ego. Next to me, Toothless, who just happens to be sitting there, just stares at me. Shaking his head, he gives me a condescending look, multiplying my embarrassment tenfold. Stupid dragon.

Up on the desk, Jack is stirring. "Hngh… Oh hey, Astrid, you're up early."

"SHUT. UP."

"…Okay."