A/N: Back to school. *is angry* Sorry for the late update.
-
-AdRenaline
U
S
h
I wanted to know who you really are.
I needed the chance to stitch up my scars.
I'm closer to you than I was in the start
Come dive right in and tear me apart.
- Unstable, Adema.
Chapter Nine
Midnight comes and midnight goes so quick he misses it entirely. Wind, hard and cold, blows against him as he races no one on this winding road. He is in the middle of nowhere, and the lights of Los Angeles are slowly fading away behind him. No other source of light now but the one bleeding from the headlight of his motorcycle, but Mello isn't worried in the least. He has long since memorized the road to the mafia base*.
He tightens his grip on the handlebar, leaning forward ever so slightly as he picks up his speed. Ninety three miles per hour now, but somehow, he still thinks he is moving too slowly. The surge of adrenaline he gets while biking is unusually absent, and he feels strangely… tired. He feels himself lulling to sleep, eyes blinking slowly before they attempt to close a little longer.
Mello jolts, shaking his head a little to fight off the vestiges of sleep. He grits his teeth together and inwardly curses. Almost four days without any sort of rest or sleep, and it is already taking a toll on him. Mello feels a weight pressing on his shoulders, a sort of tiredness that makes him heavy and sluggish in his movements. Mello is restless, and Mello is furious, and Mello is tired.
He is looking for her. Almost four days since their falling out with each other, and he has yet to face her. Mello doesn't understand too well why he has been avoiding her, especially when she is the one at fault here. Perhaps, he simply did not want to deal with her then. Not when he has been doubting if she has already picked herself up completely. Hex, despite her brash and callous demeanor, can be quite driven by her own emotions.
Like Mello.
And that is why he thinks he can read her, to an extent. He understands that she had pulled the trigger on Jose because she had lost her temper. In all honesty, Mello doesn't mind too much about Jose's fate. He had been bothering Mello constantly, and he was proving to be nothing but a liability. A thorn on his side. Either way, Hex has done nothing detrimental to Mello's plans. So long as he keeps her in line, so long as she is of use to him, Mello will not stop her from much.
Though unnerving her total disregard for murder may be, Mello has other more pressing matters at hand. He thinks Hex a liar for telling him she does not care at all, for preaching how it does not matter when she began crying like she did. Apparently, Hex's lack of empathy had been nothing more than an act that Mello had bought.
He wonders what else she had lied about. He is furious just thinking of the endless possibilities.
Her acceptance for death? Her love for taking risks? Her thrill for adrenaline? But those are only technicalities that do not matter. Hex is a liar, and a flawless one at that. Mello is not so sure he will be able to discern truth from lies from her. Mello thinks he can no longer trust her until she lets loose and spills.
Mello thinks, after all this time, they've accomplished nothing with each other. He knows he is using her, and lying to her as well, but for Hex to return the same act he's been feeding is nothing short of irritating. He's been talking with her, laughing, joking with her. Killing with her, and yet, she remains a total stranger.
Fuck it all.
He will face her today, no matter what.
"It's not your shift."
Mello violently breaks off his dark chocolate, silencing Jack with one of his darker glares. "You think I don't fucking know that?" They are walking down the winding hallway, passing too many lights and doors- none of which Mello is looking for. "If it's your job to keep a lookout, why are you here, tailing after me like some kind of pup?"
It is a rhetorical question, one that comes with more than just a hint of warning. Mello is already too impatient to deal with Jack's pestering. Mello is well aware of this man's irrational dislike of him, and frankly, he thinks his subordinate is antagonizing him on purpose. He fights the urge to roll his eyes, taking larger strides to pick up his speed.
"Protocol," Jack makes an excuse, but Mello knows that the man is only curious. "I'd be off your ass if you'd just state your business."
The teen hardens his glare. He crumples the candy wrapper in his gloved fist, and throws it casually onto Jack's face. The man freezes in apprehension; Mello's rage is nothing if not notorious with the mafia. "Oh, really?" He pretends to question. Mello's tone is ice, fingers twitching for something to break. "I'd be off your neck, if you'd just go back to your business."
He backs off, thankfully. Jack takes a step backward to create some space between them. He slides his glasses up the bridge of his nose, clearing his throat. Mello smirks; pleased that he is already reminded of whom is the superior here. "Right," Jack relents, and Mello can see how much the man hates him right now. "I'll leave you alone."
"Yes," Mello agrees. "You will."
Jack is gone in three seconds flat, but Mello does not miss the dirty look he sends him. Mello continues in his path, rolling his head to stretch the tired muscles. He briefly wonders if he will be able to corner her in a room, alone. If she is here at all- Mello is more than a little anxious to know.
Although he has an inkling she is here, Mello knows that she could very well be anywhere by now. He has no way to find her anymore; she has long since removed the locating chip off of her person. Mello absolutely abhors having this disadvantage, absolutely hates how unpredictable she is sometimes. He hates not knowing where she is, because damn it, he has a right to know. And he should know her by now, right?
Right?
The dagger spins idly in her hand.
Hex takes in her own reflection. Uncharacteristically, she wears a dress, vertically streaked with black and white. Hanging from the collar is a pair of dark sunglasses, not unlike those which Wedy used to wear. Her eyes travel to her head of white-blond hair, trailing down to the base of her spine in tangled waves.
'Do it', half her head whispers. 'You wanted this.'
She wanted this, but now? Hex cannot find the answer. Too many thoughts are brewing a violent storm in the recesses of her mind, and the fact that she is already suffering delusions* is not helping her any. She cannot make a sound decision anymore, because she is edgy and she is pissed and she is just so fucking confused.
This isn't at all about taking a risk. Risks are easier, because she can always start over or try again if she messes up. Risks are more spur of the moment, because she hates thinking things through. And that is exactly what she has been doing, is doing. She's about to make one of the hardest decisions in her life, and Hex is terrified that she end up regretting her choice.
Because there will be no going back. No starting over. Or rather, she won't allow herself to do any of that.
If Hex decides to just do it, she will have to lose herself, forget the alias, the name she's learned to adapt to. She will become Wedy, through and through. And if she doesn't do it? Hex thinks Wedy will be more than disappointed with her. Hex thinks she will be disappointed with herself.
Because she grew up with the idea of succeeding Aiber and Wedy. She learned everything from them- lying, stealing, poisoning, killing. She was only a kid, and so ready to forget that fact. Hex just wanted their recognition, and they provided it each time she pleased them. They took her in and cared for her, they fed her and taught her, they loved her. And that is all she ever wanted.
Now? Hex only feels that succeeding them is an obligation she must make.
Resolved with the thought, she raises the dagger to her line of sight, bunching up random locks of her hair in her other fist. Hex will do this. She brings the dagger through her hair, shearing it jaggedly. The discarded strands twist and fall heavily onto the floor around her, and she doesn't care. Hex only hacks off the longer pieces until she is satisfied. Until she can no longer recognize herself.
Hex is really should not be Hex anymore, anyway.
"What the fuck are you doing?" a voice rings sharp in her ears from the doorway. Being caught off guard, she jumps, tightening her hold on the dagger so drastically her knuckles turn pale white. She looks in the mirror and sees Mello glaring at her furiously, slamming the door behind him so violently the overhead light swings slightly.
She forces herself to relax. She rolls her shoulders casually, loosening the grip on the weapon. "It's about time I got a haircut," she giggles charismatically, lying through her teeth easily. "Been a while since I last saw you, Melly-bean. What's up?"
Mello does not look too convinced. "Drop it," he commands, eyes narrowed suspiciously as he watches her. Rolling her eyes, she drops the dagger with a grin- she is done with her transformation anyway. Mello takes three steps further into the room, his regular scowl on his lips. Mello isn't pleased, but that is nothing new. "I wasn't talking about the fucking knife-"
"It's a dagger."
"I don't care," Mello tells her roughly, and then he takes in a long breath and closes his eyes. She recognizes this one of the anger management techniques in her full-of-bullshit book. She wonders what is on his mind to want to want to be so level-headed or less angry, in Mello's case, as he speaks with her. And then, she wonders if she really wants to know. "We need to talk."
She quirks a delicate eyebrow upwards. "We're talking now, aren't we?" She is challenging him, and she knows Mello knows it. Testing his patience, because she simply loves the way he reacts to certain things she say. She sets every one of his nerves ablaze so he will speak irrationally, so he will forget all he wants to say. So he will be blinded by rage.
She has always loved mind mumbo-jumbo and psychology.
"Don't give me that, Hex," he tells her. "You know what I mean, so quit acting like you don't."
She dons one of her wider grins, as fake as she can get, but she executes it flawlessly. He buys her show of amusement and grits his teeth together. Looking a little deranged, her green eyes show nothing of her vehemence as her tone takes a deadlier edge. "If you so insist." She continues before Mello can speak. "I'll talk. First, I'm not Hex anymore, so stop calling me that. Second, don't tell me otherwise. I'm Wedy, damn it. Third? Get over you and your problem with me killing Jose."
"I don't care who the hell you say you are- I say you're Hex."
Her hands ball into tight fists. "You don't tell me what to do. I thought I told you that-"
"Shut up!" Mello hisses, already riling up because she does it so well. But she is also baring her teeth, getting frustrated. "I'm trying to do this right, okay?"
She glares at him defiantly. "Trying isn't good enough."
"Shut up!" he tells her. "Why can't you do as you're told for once?"
"Because I don't like you!" A total lie. "I got you in the mafia because I was selfish, okay? I thought it'd be fun, and I was bored and you were easy to mess with. I didn't do it because I fucking liked you enough to care. I thought this was strictly professional, and now I'm-" She pauses, catching herself, and biting her lip painfully because thinks she will let every word flow right out of her mouth like a river if she doesn't. She has already said enough, she thinks. More than enough.
Mello looks genuinely curious, if not a little apprehensive. His anger is lost after another moment of quiet, and she thinks the soundlessness is so deafening, ringing in her ears. As he speaks, his words are quiet and calm. Completely terrifying her, her heart starts hammering in her chest. "You're what?"
"It doesn't matter," she tells him with a faux smirk, trying to uplift the mood to make him forget what she's said. She starts humming a song, running fingers through her hair gently to groom the snarls and knots, the stray strands of her she's cut off. In the mirror, she watches him discreetly as he shakes his head, sighing.
Hex is well aware she's a liar. She's acting almost as if the tension is imaginary, like she never did break like she did. So easily.Hex watches as confusion and irritation dance behind his orbs now, but he plays along, just a bit. From the vanity, Mello's reflection seems to only come closer. Then he says, "You never did answer my question."
She barely stops herself from tensing as she feels him press against her back suddenly, not overbearingly; just so strangely tender it unnerves her. Hex keeps her gaze to the mirror, pulling at her hair viciously to remind herself to keep her façade intact. "I never had the intention to," she replies, but her words die slowly as she feels his heart beating erratically.
Mello's making it a point not to look at her.
Silence, so tense, Hex thinks she can't breathe right. Her throat feels constricted, and this becomes one of the rarer times she can't find the words to say. Her thoughts are nonsensical, brain frazzled with Mello, Mello, Mello, and she realizes belatedly, she can hear her own heart pumping in her ears. Something courses within her, a completely foreign, yet familiar sensation that isn't too welcome. So strange, but she thinks she knows exactly what this is. This is something like-
Something else. Something scary. Something like admiration, or love. Total bullshit.
And now I'm in love with you, she's almost said. That fucking emotion she promised to swear off until the day she dies, but somehow, Mello has weaved himself into her heartstrings. She wants to rip him right out of there- he doesn't belong! She wants him to stop, but what? She doesn't know. She only knows that she cannot trust him at all.
Consumed with the feeling of anticipation of betrayal*, Hex is, but she has a feeling that Mello will not disappoint. She has a feeling he has hidden intentions to get her trust, to use her, or maybe she is just so paranoid. After all, why else would he pretend to care or worry or show fucking concern like he does? Mello is going to betray her, hurt her, turn his back on her.
Just like almost everyone else she's ever known.
Hex hates love more than anything that ever existed in life.
"Why does it matter to you, Mello?"
"It should matter to someone," he says simply, like the sentence itself is a fact of life. Hex doesn't really want to know. There is another moment of quiet where he turns his head to face her reflection in the mirror, and Hex does not know if he likes what he sees, because Hex really doesn't. Wedy isn't who she sees in the mirror anymore, like she did mere minutes before.
She sees herself once again, because despite her intentions, she has somehow gone back to being Hex. Not Wedy.
"I thought this was strictly professional," she says softly, so quietly, "and now I'm-" She looks straight into his eyes and lies outright, because he cannot know. "-confused. You're still sticking with me, even after we've gotten you what you wanted. I don't know if you're just keeping me with you because you want to use me… Are you?"
He smiles crookedly. "You're here with me just because, Hex."
Despite half her mind screaming to pull away, screaming that he is lying, she leans into him, and believes him, if only just a little.
And she smiles.
TBC
A/N: Okay, I had written this around twelve different drafts for this chapter, and I've only decided to use the fourth draft I wrote for this chapter. Does this chapter make any sense? Oh, by the way, Mello was lying when he said "just because". He's using her and you know it. Mello's a greater liar than he lets on.
And the asterisks were totally intentional. I needed to explain a few things:
*Mafia base: I've set it up underground in the middle of nowhere.
*Delusions: Research proves that if an individual has gone without sleep for too long, the person will suffer delusions and will have poor judgment, among other things. Hex is a self-induced insomniac, as mentioned in chapter 1.
*Anticipating betrayal and lack of trust: Hex has a reason for these things, involving her childhood. But that'll be explained in a later chapter. Although research suggests that these are signs of a Paranoia Personality, Hex is not diagnosed with it. She's just being difficult.
I love research. It gets me excited. :D
A special thanks to:
Kira the Wolf: Thank you! :) Hope this update did good.
Echo1317: Thanks so much! haha, I've got hell and some good stuff in store for Mello and Hex (glad to know you like her).
Overboard343: Mattie-boy is an unoriginal nickname haha, but I had to use it. ;) I like Matt's character- the wonders you can do with a minor character.
PocketfullaMisery: I noticed you changed your penname. (y) I'm a Near fan, but just a minor one. Mostly because I have this fascination with his puppets and hair. :P Thanks for liking how I portrayed Matt. :D
C. Holywell-Black: I'm guilty for spilling drama all over this chapter. I'm amazed you noticed my intention of making Matt a living contradiction-I love characterization. :D Matt's smoother with Hex than Mello is because Mello and Hex have tempers and… well, because… *murmurs something incomprehensible*:D
Uh, no preview available. . Sorry, guys. My muse is kind of slow this time.
Review, please! :)