Falling Slowly Chapter 10

"Okay, that's enough. Patrick, agents, it's been a delight. But you'll have to excuse Agent Lisbon and me as we have plans for the rest of the evening."

I keep the phone held to my ear long after Red John has hung up - I think it may be because it gives me something to do. This is beyond wretched, and all I can think to achieve is clutching a telephone to my ear and try to remember to breathe.

I'm not convinced I am going to be able to do this. Even that's a lie I suppose, I have already failed to do this. He has Teresa. And wherever he is with her, he is hurting her.

I put down the telephone and wipe the useless tears from my face. I want to go upstairs and crawl into Teresa's bed, hide away from all of this by lying in the echo of her presence, losing myself in her scent that remains on her sheets.

"Jane?"

I want to get out of here, get in my car and drive to wherever Red John has her and just have this end. I don't care anymore; nothing matters if she is dead except that he has to die too.

I know I should be doing something productive now, but my mind won't let me focus on what that should be. I know I need to get out of here and be useful.

"Jane, you need to focus man – what was Lisbon telling you on the call? It sounded like she was giving you a message, what was it?"

"Nothing… Just that I'm an idiot. There was no message, just that I'm too late again."

"Jane don't make me hit you, the boss was telling you something. You need to listen to her; we don't have time for this. Lisbon needs you."

Cho is crowding me, by his standards desperate to pull me back from wherever I'm trying to run too. I look up and see Van Pelt and Rigsby close by, desperation too on both of their faces. I'm a truly selfish man, I've forgotten that losing Lisbon will not just devastate my life – it will destroy all four of us in our own way.

"We have to find the boss, Jane. What was Lisbon telling you just now, it seemed important. Think about it Jane."

I don't believe Rigsby has ever yelled at me before, but his tears and his terror are what I need to remind me that she is not yet lost. Lisbon is not yet lost to us.

"I told Lisbon today that I would choose her over Red John, that I would choose her life ahead of my pursuit of him. She was being kind to me, I think, just now. She was saying goodbye to me because this morning she told me she didn't believe what I was saying. So she was being kind to me."

The thought of Lisbon being kind while suffering is more than I can bear.

"Jane. That's not all she said – Lisbon said something about you making her ask twice. What does that mean? We don't have time for this, help us Jane. Help us."

It's Van Pelts turn to try and force me into action. Around us is nothing but action, agents and investigators in Lisbon's home which is now a crime scene in a very sickening sense – I assume they will be looking for the listening devices Red John hid here. He heard us talking last night; that makes me want to cry for Lisbon. We shared our most intimate conversation and we were not alone.

He was listening to us, waiting to inflict his own horror because he can. I failed so utterly to protect my family when he decided to take them, and I have been similarly useless to Lisbon.

But I need to be of some use to her, it would be unforgivable to give in now. I will have the remainder of my life to give in and give up.

I go back to what Lisbon confessed a few moments ago.

But I know it's too late for me now, you should've let me in when I asked partner. I shouldn't have had to ask more than once.

I'm not sure of the significance of her words. Why would she choose those particular words to say goodbye with? My fear and desperation is making clarity of thought difficult. For the second time in my life Red John is taunting me with his ability to walk into my life and take what is valuable from me.

What did I make Lisbon ask for more than once? Where would I let her in? I need to think and not panic. I need to think and not panic. But he has Lisbon, he is hurting her now. He went into my home years before and took my family, and now he has infiltrated Lisbon's home and has taken her.

I don't know where I would let Lisbon in. She knows how I feel now, is it possible though that she is taking of her complicated discussion last night? But if this really was a message for me, what is she saying? I don't have anywhere to let her into.

Except…

I move closer to Van Pelt, take hold of her arm and lead her out of the apartment. This has the reaction from the rest of the team I was hoping for; they follow us so we can talk as privately as possible.

"I think he has her at the CBI building. I think Lisbon was talking about my attic. She called me partner on the phone, something she did before asking me to let her into the attic when I was hiding out. I think he has her there because it's somewhere that is mine; and for me to walk in there and find Lisbon hurt amongst all my plans for finding him would be the ultimate victory for Red John."

As I say the words I know them to be true.

"Let's go."

Cho doesn't have to convince any of us, and as one we rush towards the closest vehicle.

Rigsby drives at a frightening pace; still I wish he would drive faster. My hand grips the handle of the door, ready to open it and run out of here as soon as we are close to the CBI building. Grace is sitting next to me, holding my hand. I think this is as much for her comfort as it is for mine, but the warmth of her fingers against my own remind me to keep breathing – and frankly make me ache to touch Lisbon's hand.

We don't have a plan. If Lisbon was here she would be telling us how this would go when we got to the CBI. I want her so much to be here, because I am unable to contemplate a life where she is not telling us how to be.

"Jane, you need to not panic and run in there after Red John. We go in first and you need to not get in the way of us freeing Lisbon."

"Cho, I don't care about Red John beyond that he is here and that Lisbon is too and that we get to her in time for her to be okay."

That is honestly true; I don't care about anything except that Lisbon has to be okay.

"We're nearly there Jane; you can't leap out of this vehicle and run in by yourself. Lisbon needs all of us to do this together. But she would also want me to say that we should be prepared. This could be bad. What we are about to see could be bad."

Cho meets my gaze in the rear view mirror; he is as close to the edge as I have ever known him to be. And then he seems to visibly collect himself, he will do what he has to for Lisbon and he will be professional even though I will not.

"I won't let her down Cho, and I won't get in the way of you all doing your jobs – but know that I have to be there no matter what we are about to walk into."

We pass the remainder of the journey in silence, trying I think to get some sense of calm before what is about to take place.

We are about to walk into a building and face down a serial killer who may or may not have already killed the most significant woman in our lives.

I suppose we could be under surveillance even now, perhaps Red John already knows we are making our way here – perhaps he is long gone.

I only hope that Lisbon remains.

I am never any good at this part of an operation; it's stupidly obvious I am not a competent agent when faced with having to go into a dangerous scenario like this. But as we exit the car and make our way through the CBI building I hold back and let Cho direct me where to go.

The building looks all but deserted as we make our way up the fire escape to the attic. I'm half hoping I am wrong and he won't be here – at least then we would have the hope that Lisbon is alive somewhere waiting for us to find her.

This is wasteful thinking, and I should be concentrating on staying in line behind Rigsby as Van Pelt and Cho close in on the attic floor.

From where we move along the corridor I can see that the door is slightly open, and I know it wasn't like that when I left it. Cho turns to me and silently acknowledges that what is about to take place will be the most significant act of CBI careers. Of our lives, probably.

I can hear talking, I can hear his voice. His voice is raised as if he were straining to have someone hear his words. I can hear other voices too; it's clear Red John as at least two of his followers with him for this assignment. As we come closer to the attic I get to catch a little of what he is shouting.

"Soon as she was gone from me a traveller came by…"

More William Blake.

I look to Cho as he silently indicates of how he wants us to go in – he leads, then Van Pelt followed by Rigsby and I keep out of the way. That way I get to go to Lisbon as soon as possible.

Cho kicks the door and enters my attic with a yell telling people to put down their weapons. I hear glass smashing and gun fire before I finally make it through the door.

Cho and Van Pelt are running out onto the roof, Rigsby enters and has gun pointed at two suspects who lie shot on the floor below where Lisbon is displayed.

My legs buckle as it becomes obvious that Red John was being literal when he threatened to crucify Lisbon.

I move to her not knowing where to touch her to make sure she is still with us. She has obviously been hurt so much. She is bleeding very badly from a large wound in her side, and her hands are fastened to the wall behind her with nails going through the upper part of her palm angled towards her wrists.

"Is the boss alive?"

Rigsby forces me into movement and I am close enough to hear her laboured breathing.

"She needs help now, Rigsby. We have to get her help."

"I've made a call, the paramedics are on their way – they'll be here in a few minutes. There is so much blood in this room, as you sure she's still with us? That bastards being writing with her blood all over your desk."

I push down my nausea in reaction to this fact, none of this matters just now. The two men bleeding on the floor don't matter; nothing in this room is of any consequence except Lisbon.

I move closer to her, wanting to help her down but terrified I will hurt her more.

"Rigsby I need your help to hold onto Lisbon until we can get her down from here."

She is still in the sleep wear she had on when I left her apartment so many hours and a lifetime ago. I can't imagine what she has been made to endure since I last saw her, but the evidence of her ordeal is written all over her small body.

I turn as Rigsby moves closer to us, his heartbreak obvious as he comes to stand beside me.

"I don't think we should move her Jane, I don't want to hurt her."

"I know, but to leave her like this seems like a betrayal. I don't know where to touch her to give her any relief."

We both climb onto a desk so that we have better access to Lisbon. She is breathing, and that is the most important fact in my life. Rigsby stands still, devastated but standing guard over his boss. It's a quiet testament to his gentleness. I softly place my hand on her right hip, the side which has not been attacked quite so badly.

Lisbon groans a little at the contact and her eyes open.

"Rigsby. Hey."

She tries to smile but can't quite seem to summon the strength to make her body co-operate with the intentions of her mind.

"Boss, we're going to get you out of here. Hang on for us."

"Is Jane okay?"

The tears I had been holding back are falling now, only Teresa Lisbon could be in this much trouble and yet worry about me.

"I'm here Lisbon. We're all here."

Well Cho and Van Pelt are somewhere running after a serial killer, but we can get to that soon.

Lisbon tries to turn her head to the direction of my voice but seems to tire immediately and closes her eyes again.

"My mom is here, we're going to Mass. It's been such a long time since I've gone with my mom."

I move right against her, desperately afraid of how badly she is hurt. She has lost so much blood, the evidence of that all over her apartment and this room. I take off my jacket and press down firmly with it on the vicious wound at her side. Her eyes are open again at the contact.

"Hurts…"

"Helps coming boss, I swear help is coming."

I know Rigsby would move her from here and simply run to the hospital with Lisbon in his arms if he thought it was the right thing to do for her. I know exactly how he feels.

I keep the unforgiving pressure on her wound but rest my lips on her temple, desperate to offer her at least some comfort while she fights to remain with us.

She is moaning now, soft little sounds of pain that will remain with me for all of my days.

"It's okay sweetheart. It's okay."

"Hey Jane, I didn't know you were here."

"Of course I'm here sweetheart; you know I'll follow you anywhere."

Her eyes are closed again, I'm not sure my sarcasm and plain wishing will keep her conscious now.

I kiss her the curve of her cheekbone completely unable to pretend that I don't need to touch her now. I know Rigsby should not witness this, but the extreme circumstances over rule any good sense I would normally have.

"Is Jane okay? Do you know where he is? Don't let him go after Red John on his own. Rigsby, you have to make him take care of himself."

"Jane is here with us boss. He's here."

But she has left consciousness behind; her beautiful green eyes suddenly closed to us. I half convince myself that if my eyes don't leave her face then I will be able to will her back into opening her eyes.

Her blood is seeping through the fabric of my jacket and it feels like we are watching her die. I think that is because we are.

I hear a commotion in the corridor and nearly faint with relief when I realise it's because help has arrived. We are going to get Lisbon to hospital and she will have a chance.

She will live. I refuse to acknowledge that she may not.

She will.

She has to.

She wouldn't leave us.

She can't.

The room fills with paramedics and fire officers as they rush forward to do their jobs.

I let go of Lisbon but stand as close to her as I can, anxious not to be in the way but resolute that keeping my eyes on her will help her in some way.

"Jane, Cho just called."

I missed the call, the entire conversation, so intent have I been on maintaining a connection with Lisbon.

"Jane. They've got him. They've got Red John."

I hear the words but am not sure of their significance. I know they should be important but nothing is important while Lisbon is so gravely ill.

I want to hold her hand and tell her everything will be okay.

But I can't take hold of her poor, abused hands any more than I can promise her anything right now.

All I can do is prove that Teresa Lisbon has been an influence on me all these years. I take comfort in the rituals that she would, proof of my desperation and desire to be closer to her in any way possible.

I stand and watch as people I don't know work at saving the life of the most important person in my life. I stand here and pray to a God I don't believe in to allow Lisbon to live.

I'll keep praying until she opens her eyes again.