Chapter 10: Losing Faith, Finding Direction

After sleeping a grand total of three hours the previous night, I slowly headed to the kitchen to caffeinate myself, only to find a note on the fridge.

Keep your head up cuz, I'll be back after I take care of something.

Lo

She was trying to be cryptic, but I knew exactly what 'something' meant.

Don't kill him Lo, I thought, because this time... it's not his fault.

I choked. There was no other way to say it. He essentially dared me to open up, and all I could do was stand there.

I love you Oliver... why was it so easy to think, yet so hard to say? Furthermore, I couldn't believe that two years apart, ensuing awkwardness, and one ugly argument... he still loved me.

So I guess it was my turn to walk away. Now I have a better understanding of how he felt two years ago, especially because I thought it was the best thing for our relationship. I was wrong then, and last night, when I had the chance to make it better, I was too afraid of a couple stupid words.

I came home, hoping to go to sleep and forget the whole thing, but instead I found Lois frantically calling people looking for me. I didn't even know why she was there. Clark had been her first phone call and he knew where I was. However, I knew that sending Lois away was pointless. She wanted the truth, something I couldn't even admit to myself.

To keep her calm, I gave her the short version. Seeing the note made me re-think my decision, but it was too late for that. Lois could see past any lie that I fed her, but the truth was that I couldn't pretend I was okay when I wasn't... even if he was serious about leaving. I had even burnt my wedding speech while Lois was asleep because I couldn't talk about how awesome love was now that I had lost him. I stirred my coffee, but I knew that caffeine wasn't going to solve things... at this point, I wasn't sure what would.

I shook out of my daydream when I heard the knock on the door. It wasn't necessary early, but I hoped that if I didn't answer, that they would leave. However, the knocking persisted, so I opened the door only to roll my eyes the moment I saw the person on the other side. This was not someone that I was hoping to see this morning.

"What do you want, Tess?"

Sizing me up, she rolled her eyes. "Wow, he really got to you."

Walking away from the door in frustration, I said, "If you're here to mock me, could it wait? You'll have more than enough opportunities to use this against me."

Tess followed me inside, shutting the door behind her. "Against my better nature, I'm actually trying to help you."

"Why?"

"Oliver holds a strong front, but he's breaking inside. We've seen him at his worst, Chloe, and we know how self-destructive he is. If I have to witness another suicide attempt, the press will kill the company. Then I'll have to pick up..."

I waved my hand trying to cut her off. "Point taken. What does any of this have to do with me?"

She narrowed her eyes. "He's leaving, and you're the last person he talked to before his pilot. What did you say to him?"

"How do you know that?"

"That doesn't matter."

"Neither does our conversation."

Tess crossed her arms and held her ground. "Well, I'm not leaving."

"That's fine... I'll go."

As I grabbed my coat, Tess yanked my arm. "You know it's either me or Lois that will set you straight, and with the stress level she's under right now, I think you'd prefer me."

"Yes, because I always enjoy our little chats. Besides, Lois already knows what happened last night."

She scoffed. "I doubt that."

"You really want to know what happened?"

"No, I asked what you said to him."

I couldn't believe that I was about to do this, but if it meant that she would leave me alone, it was worth the risk.

"Fine… I'll tell you. I wanted things to be how they were before Zod branded his chest." I shrugged. "Take the complications out of it."

Tess released my arm and walked towards the window. "Oliver can't catch a break, can he?"

"Excuse me?"

"He's had one deal breaker in his relationships. He didn't want it with me, so he scared me away. He wanted it with Lois, but she wanted Clark. He wanted it with you, and you likely choked."

"You mean..."

"Commitment, Chloe." That word hit me like a truck, and Tess could see that she was right. "From our chit-chat in Watchtower all those years ago, you said you lost faith in people and you were waiting for him to leave."

"Yeah...look how well that turned out."

"That was three years before he actually left. You can only string a guy along for so long."

"He knew I wanted to keep things simple."

"Leaving simplifies things doesn't it?"

Taking my mug, I gulped the majority of my coffee, trying to hold myself together. "He wanted more, I know that, but I didn't want him to get hurt."

"Are you listening to yourself? Sure, Oliver has faults, but he's more than capable of taking care of himself. It's for that reason that his double identity hasn't been exposed."

"I... wanted to think about it before giving him an answer. But he left."

"What was it? Your answer, I mean."

"It doesn't matter now."

She laughed. "That answer says it all. Why didn't you tell him that?"

"I loved him Tess. That's wasn't enough for him to wait for my answer. Telling him now won't make a difference."

"You loved him? How many times did you tell him that?"

I remembered that night perfectly, the walkie talkie in my hand and flashing red dots surrounding his single green dot. I thought I was never going to see him again, so I did the unthinkable... I said it. "Once," I said quietly.

Tess rolled her eyes because she knew the circumstances of when I said it. "You never said it to his face? No offence Chloe, but it's a miracle he didn't leave you sooner. I can't believe you'd tell me before you would tell him."

"I can't believe I'm still talking to you about this!"

"Neither can I, but apparently I pressed the right buttons. Your friends tend to handle your relationship subtly when the truth is you need to be smacked in the face to see your mistake."

"We've already established the deal breaker and he wants to move on, Tess. I should do the same."

"Please, because that worked so well two years ago. You held onto the remnants of the relationship pretty tightly after he left. I'm still trying to figure out how you two never spoke during that time."

"I didn't hold onto it."

"Really? Then what would you call your monthly visits to his penthouse?"

My eyes narrowed, trying to figure out how she knew that. "How would you... are you spying on Oliver?"

"Hardly, I just wanted to make sure that his double life wasn't compromised. You being there was purely coincidence."

"Cut the crap, Tess, how would you like it if…"

Tess interrupted sharply, "Coming from someone who used to call herself Big Sister, you can't really lecture me on privacy."

"I'm not that person anymore."

"Clearly, you've regressed into your shell so much that everyone wonders what happened to you. The Chloe Sullivan I remember never backed down from a challenge, and you never conceded when things got tough."

Tess looked up and shook her head at me. "I came here thinking that you'd never actually tell me what happened."

"I thought it would get you to leave."

"Lois wanted answers, and she knew you were leaving something out. She knew about the cameras and she asked for my help."

"So I take it you've been eavesdropping too? Then why the confrontation?"

"Please, you two were insufferable to listen to before he left on a jet plane. The cameras are strictly visuals, so I told Lois I would talk to you."

"But Lois hates you."

Tess tilted her head, acknowledging the statement. "True, but everyone else probably would have assumed it was wedding jitters. There's also the fact that we're the only ones who know what you're going through."

I slid my hand through my hair. "Look how well that panned out for both of you; I should have learned from that." I sighed as I sat down on the couch. "You know what? He can leave for all I care."

"You're a good secret keeper, Chloe. I'll give you that. Lying, however, isn't your strong suit. Besides, there's one little difference between our relationships."

"I'm blonde?"

"Very funny, but no. He hasn't moved on either, Chloe. I've been around Oliver long enough to know that by this point after a breakup, there's usually someone in the picture. However, the only pictures he carries with him these days that photo from your Mexican vacation, and the photo of him and his parents. In Star City, between his office and his home, he keeps a grand total of one photo. Care to guess who's in it?"

"Just say it Tess."

Tess nodded slightly as a sly grin came across her face."Smiling faces of the happy couple you once were, which is ironic because it sits next to the very thing that split you two up… that little velvet box. I initially found it odd that he kept it right in front of his face, but I guess just like everything else in your relationship, you both were too blinded by other factors to see what you had."

Sometimes... it's right in front of your face, you just have to want to see it.

I put my head down in defeat. "I never knew."

"What's stopping you Chloe? Clark? Davis? Jimmy?"

"No."

"So what excuse do you have up your sleeve now?"

"We were happy when no one knew."

"Really? You weren't happy when you went to Mexico? You weren't happy when you took that team vacation in Colorado? Because I've seen pictures Chloe... you seemed happy."

"I was, but the team's different."

"You're not embarrassed of him, are you?"

I rubbed my hands up and down my arms; I was getting close to my breaking point, and there was no way I wanted Tess to see me break. "No, it's just... I'm not built for the life he wants."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure that the only life he wants is one with you in it."

"Then why push me away?"

Tess walked towards the door; maybe I held my front long enough. "To keep you happy. He thinks that everyone will forget him."

"That's not going to help anything. The team was getting used to him being here again. He can't just leave them behind because of us."

She picked up my coat and walked back over to drop it on my lap. "That's what he's willing to give up for your happiness."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"I never said it made sense, that's why I'm here."

"I can't let him do that to the team."

Tess turned on her heels and headed once again for the door. "Great, wheels are up in an hour, let's go."

I attempted to put my coat on, but after I put on arm through, I gave up. "Wait... Tess...I can't."

"But you just said..."

"I can't face him, not after what I did to him last night."

"So fix it."

"How?"

"You just told me that you loved him. Is that still true?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"Yes or no?"

"Yes."

"Tell him that."

"What if I'm too late?"

"That's the risk you're going to have to take because sitting around here isn't going to prevent Oliver from leaving."

Tess was right... sitting here wasn't going to bring him back, and I loved him too much to let him slip through my fingers again. I had seen the consequences of those actions two years ago and I couldn't handle going through that again.

I stood up and put my other arm through. "Let's go get him."

Tess simply smiled. "Welcome back Chloe."

As I was putting my shoes on, I looked up at her.

"Hey Tess."

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

Tess' smile widened as she shut the door behind her. "Don't thank me yet. With you two, anything is possible. Just don't screw it up again, okay?"