Joanna watched the masked qunari nervously, his large hand hovering over her bad eye. Blue healing light encompassed her sight for the minute it took for the usual process, one that she had went through every day ever since she came here. The healer was present as always, observing the process. When it was over, the masked qunari was taken away, as they always were. Joanna was certain it wasn't always the same qunari that healed her, but when she asked who they were, the answer was always the same.

'Saarebas.'

She wanted to thank them for taking the time to heal her, but they were always taken before she had the chance, and she never saw them outside the healer's tent. The healer gently pushed her up as she had just been lying there in thought, and it was time for her check up. Most of her injuries were almost healed completely; it wasn't like Hawke's situation where magic was not an option. But her eye...that was more complicated, and it took a lot more healing to fix it. If it was going to be fixed at all. The healer hadn't sugar-coated it, there was a good chance her eyesight in that eye would not be healed. They just had to keep up these periodic healings...and wait.

Joanna found she couldn't wait very well these days.

The healer attempted to brush the messy ringlets of hair away from her face to get a better look, only for them to bounce back to be in the way. Her hair had become unruly the longer she was here; she had no energy to care for it, and it had grown quite a bit longer. She helped out by holding her hair back, but that didn't solve the problem.

After the healer finished the checkup, he smiled his usual comforting smile. "Your hair has become a hindrance. Do you wish for some assistance to control it?"

Joanna blinked. "I-I would, but I don't know who to ask..."

"I can be of assistance."

"You know how to cut hair?" Joanna asked, unable to contain her excitement. She had no idea the healer, or anyone in the compound for that matter, knew how to style hair. Though...there were some qunari who had wonderful braids and cornrows and twists, now that she thought about it. She supposed she had been too focused on other things to really wonder about it.

The healer blinked. "Most qunari do. How else do you think we manage each other's and our own?"

Joanna's jaw dropped. "Are you saying...the qunari do each other's hair?"

"...when needed."

The imagery of giant, muscular qunari sitting with arms crossed while their friend cut their hair and styled it...it was too cute to handle. It took everything in Joanna's power not to squee and weird out the man who had been nothing but kind and wonderful to her. Instead, she beamed. "I'd love your help. Thank you, healer."

He led her into a curtained off area filled with potions and herbs, all away from the going ons with the patients in the main room. He filled a basin with water, mixing in a wonderful smelling oil. Then he gave her a thick towel to drape over her lap. The healer wetted his hands in the basin, then started brushing her hair with long fingers and sharp fingernails. He wasn't rough, but he wasn't necessarily gentle either, her face squeezing in discomfort when his fingers caught in a knot.

When her head was finally feeling clean, the healer took out a small razor and began the hard work. Joanna watched with mild curiosity and a healthy dose of nerves as countless ringlets of black hair fell across her face and into her lap. She'd always kept her hair somewhat long. Prim and proper. Her father always said her hair looked like a beautiful, black cloud, with a halo of brown in the sunlight. A description she had always been proud of.

Maker, she missed him. If he were still alive...none of this would have happened. She'd be back home, reading her favourite books with him, eating dinner with him, laughing at his terrible jokes-

The healer frowned, an unusual look for him. "I do not believe I cut you. Why are you crying?"

Joanna blinked in shock, only now feeling the wetness drop down her cheeks. Why...why did she cry only now, of all times? She'd managed to hold back her tears for so long...why now? She quickly wiped them away with a hand. "Oh, uhm," she stuttered, "it's nothing. I was just thinking of my dad."

Try not to care what other people think of you. Hawke's advice was the hardest.

Surprisingly, the healer did not scowl at the mention of her father. Joanna expected impatience at her tears, but there was none in his demeanour. He simply nodded and continued his work, just a touch slower. "I see. I assume he is...not available in your life, considering your situation."

Joanna smiled sadly. "No. He died over a year ago. Wasting sickness. I just...suddenly missed him, I suppose."

The healer hummed in agreement. "Yes. I have known this feeling as well."

"You have?"

He nodded, tipping her head up to get a closer look at the work he'd done. "I lost my parents a long time ago. In my youth, I found it difficult to move on from their deaths. It wasn't until I joined the Qun that my mind was put at ease."

That was a lot to process at once. Joanna buzzed with questions, but settled on the one that pressed her the most. "How...how did the Qun help you move on?"

He took strands of ringlets on the side of her head with the injured eye and began tightly braiding them. It was meticulous work, one that he excelled at. "In the Qun, we do not mourn as you do. After death, we celebrate their purpose. We remember who they were, and we do not bother with the empty shells left behind. Although my parents were not a part of the Qun, it allowed me to let go of the day they died. Because, in me, their purpose, their being, was remembered and honoured."

"Celebrate their purpose..." echoed Joanna, "I-I'm not sure I understand. I don't know what my dad's purpose was. To me, he was just...dad."

"People outside the Qun usually don't understand." He paused. "I did not, at first. It is not something I can simply explain to you."

"It's something you have to...feel," she said slowly.

The healer paused, his brow raised in surprise. "Yes."

Joanna's face scrunched up in thought. "Well, my dad was a noble...but I don't think that was his purpose. He often talked about why he didn't like being one. I don't think your purpose is supposed to make you sad."

The healer said nothing.

"He wrote a lot though...stories of his past and history of his family that came from Rivain...but his writing never became well known or anything. Hm."

The healer shook his head. "All of those things you say. That 'he did not like it.' That 'he did not become well known.' Those are not factors in your purpose. It is simply what makes you who you are. And that purpose aids the Qun. It cannot be more than that." He poked her head. "And it is not up to you to decide someone's purpose. That is a role in the Qun. One that you probably would not be chosen for."

Joanna giggled. "I'm not very good at it, huh?"

"Therefore, you would not be suitable. Here." He handed her a small, circular mirror. "This will be sufficient."

Joanna blinked. The healer had trimmed the hair on her right side, letting the bouncy nature of it continue happily. But on the left, where the hair had covered her injured eye, was now tightly braided all throughout. It actually reminded her somewhat of the healer's style, though he did not have hair at all on the side that had those burn scars. They matched. It filled Joanna up with delight.

"Wow...thank you, healer. This looks great!"

"That does not matter...but you are welcome." He cleaned the razor with a towel before placing it back into its resting spot. "As for the rest of the day, you must get some exercise. Hm. Would you be willing to complete a task for me?"

Joanna immediately nodded enthusiastically. She felt guilty that she couldn't help out the healer and give back at least some of the kindness he had given her.

"Normally I would not request this of you...however the healers are all occupied with others in need. And it will prove useful in your recovery." He grabbed a few sacks and vials of herbs organized neatly at the back, throwing them together into a new empty pouch and pulling the string to close it. "Deliver this to the Mashaar. She will be out of this concoction today."

Joanna gave him a worried look, taking the herbs with the hand that was not in a sling. "Oh no, is she sick?"

"No. We simply cannot have newborns running around the compound without any tamrassans present."

Joanna nearly dropped the pouch, the heat from her cheeks probably could cook an egg. "O-oh. I-uh...will deliver this right away."

She almost tripped leaving the tent, but caught herself before she face planted in front of the whole compound to see. She took a deep breath to calm her embarrassment, and grinned at the prospect of having a job to do.

She spotted Camlen on the way to the cooks, resting after a long morning of practicing with swords along with the other converts. That was the usual schedule, mornings were for swords, afternoons they worked with the few healers handing out healing potions and general duties, evenings for cleaning. Their trainings were not focused on one skill, since they could not determine what their roles were just yet. There weren't that many converts either, only about two dozen or so, and most of them were alienage elves. And boys. She hadn't seen a single girl convert.

Probably because most women wouldn't step foot into a place with towering strange men. Which was sad to Joanna. She had not been harassed once ever since she got here, and she was sure there were many women who would jump at the chance for a new life.

She paused. Doesn't that include me too?

She was taken out of that thought when Camlen made his way over to her. "Nice hair."

Joanna grinned. "Thanks! The healer did this for me."

"He finally got tired of those curls covering his job, huh?"

"That's a mean way to put it, but...yes."

Camlen eyed the pouch in her hand. "What you got there?"

The blush returned. "Oh! Um, I'm delivering some...some herbs to the Mashaar for the healer."

"Uh huh," Camlen grinned, "what kind of herbs?"

Joanna just smiled nervously. "No idea."

"You're a terrible liar." Camlen stretched his arms. "I've got a bit of time to kill. Mind if I come along?"

"Of course you can." Camlen really had been a good friend to her, helping her out with the bath schedules and taking the time to visit when he could. She briefly thought about her dad again, and then if Camlen had any family to speak of. If he did, they were not here. She wondered if his family life was perhaps a bit like hers. And if not, what would motivate him to join the Qunari? She decided to try and ask, they were good friends she thought. Hopefully this wouldn't change that.

"Mind if I ask you a personal question?"

He looked at her with a tired eye as they continued to walk. "Go for it."

"Can I ask about your family? What they're like?"

That woke him up. "Uh. What makes you ask that?"

Joanna shrugged. "I was thinking about my dad earlier...and well, I don't know. I'm just curious. You don't have to talk about it if it's hard."

Camlen sighed. "It's not hard, really. It's just I haven't talked about them since I joined." He paused for a moment. "Hm. Well, I come from a pretty big family. Bunch of siblings. Mum and Dad. And Grandpa." A small smile formed on his face. "They're okay, I guess. The occasional fight, mostly between my younger siblings. We...they do their best with what they've got. Not a lot of money, but that's normal in the alienage."

Joanna smiled. "Sounds nice."

"Grandpa's really cool though," Camlen grinned enthusiastically, "so we got this well for us all to share amongst the elves, and most folk just use a bucket or whatever and they have to go several times a day to get water. But gramps carries this huge-" Camlen stretched out his arms as wide as they would go, emphasizing the word, "-ceramic vase thing that weighs a freaking ton. And he carries it on his back somehow. Every few days. You'd think he'd throw out his back, but nope. I swear even his spine has muscles."

Joanna gaped. "Your grandpa must be the strongest man in the world."

"Pft, maybe." Camlen laughed. "One time I tried to lift it, and I ended up underneath it instead. I look like a twig next to him."

Joanna giggled. "You must be used to that here, too."

Camlen pouted. "Hey."

Her smile faded as she looked at his cheerful demeanour. "I...your family sounds wonderful. It's just...why would you leave?"

His smile also disappeared. "Maybe you don't get this but...being poor is kinda an all encompassing thing. Doesn't matter how kind or wonderful they are. They barely survive as it is."

Joanna could feel her lip tremble already. "You left to help them?"

"One less mouth to feed." Camlen's eyes narrowed, and shook his head. "But that's only part of it. Kirkwall is a dead-end. Especially for elves. There's no future here. And I didn't want to be stuck, banging my head against the wall, wondering when I was going to get my share."

Joanna nodded slowly, ignoring the pit forming in her stomach.

"So I came here," he continued, "where else was there to go? Another alienage? Pft. The Dalish? If I could even find them, the way I hear, they get killed by templars and humans anyway. I want a future, not a death trap."

"You want a place."

Camlen eyed her. "Yeah. I...tried to convince my family the same. But they didn't go for it, so...I just have to hope they'll be okay in the end."

"Camlen, I'm sorry."

He shrugged. "Nothing to be sorry about. I'm here, aren't I?"

Joanna cracked a smile and nodded. She wondered how heartbroken his family must be now that he was gone. But she couldn't blame him for his choice, and it was his choice to make. Besides, if he hadn't, she never would have met him. Maker, what a terrible thought. They really were on opposite sides of society, at least before everything happened, and the idea that she wouldn't meet someone so wonderful if things stayed the same...there was at least a silver lining in what happened that day.

Which begs the same question that has been gnawing at her ever since. Where do I go now?

Family wasn't an option. She didn't have friends, save for Camlen. And the healer. Oh, and Hawke too. And while she had no doubt Hawke would take charge to find her something...Joanna felt that she needed to decide for herself where she wanted to go. No small feat, for sure.

When the two arrived at the cooking area it took a few moments for the Mashaar to find an opportunity to greet them. "What is it, you two?" she asked quickly, her temples beading with sweat. It was a warm day, and the constant heat from the burning coals must have been terrible to endure. Although there were no complaints from the Mashaar of course. And wasn't the place where Qunari lived really hot?

Speaking of which...Joanna smiled nervously as she felt her blush return for hopefully the last time. "I-I was sent by the healer to give you this."

"Ah." The Mashaar's face never stopped being neutral as she took the pouch from Joanna. "My thanks. Off you go, then."

As quick as that exchange she returned to work, leaving the two youngsters to stand awkwardly for a few moments. Joanna might think it was from embarrassment that the Mashaar left so fast, but no. She was always like that. Dedicated to her work. Joanna wished she would stay and talk more, like she did when she told them when she met Kaaras...but the Mashaar had her own way. And she treated everyone like that. It wasn't a negative thing per se, in fact Joanna felt some relief that it wasn't just herself that got that treatment.

Thinking about it now, the healer had mentioned that the compound was...well, not exactly nervous, but concerned of her presence, something that Joanna was quite used to with her family. But here it was different. No pity glances. No glares. No hiding away. Joanna couldn't express how grateful she was for all of it.

Ah...Papa. What should I do? You always had something clever to say.

"Well, that was quick," Camlen yawned, "I'm gonna head to the baths. Want to come along?"

Joanna shook her head. "Not this time, thanks. I'll see you later."

They waved goodbye as they went off in opposite directions. Joanna puttered around the compound, unsure if she should return to the healer's tent right away. She was supposed to get some exercise, after all. She spotted Hawke at her station, concentrating on the finishing touches of her bow. She took such care in her work that Joanna couldn't help but watch for a few minutes, marvelling at a skilled craftswoman's work.

She nearly gasped as Hawke stepped on the bow, pulling it hard as she attached the string. Joanna had no idea how bows worked, was this the right way to do that? It looked like it could snap in half! But it didn't. Of course it didn't, Hawke knew what she was doing. When she was done, Hawke picked up the now complete bow, holding it delicately on her fingertips to test the balance. With a satisfied smile, Hawke nodded. She finished it.

Joanna wanted to go and congratulate her, but she stopped in her tracks. The Arishok himself got there first. They exchanged a few words, him and Hawke, then she offered the bow to him. That was when the mood shifted, and other qunari noticed. Joanna had no idea what was going on, but the qunari were adamant in watching the exchange. Indeed, the Arishok's demeanour changed as Hawke handed the bow to him. He took it delicately, balancing the bow in his hands the same way Hawke did. He drank in every detail.

Joanna suddenly wanted to turn away. It felt like she was watching something she shouldn't, something maybe sacred that an outsider didn't have the authority to see. She ducked through the qunari still watching, speeding back to the healer's tent. Her heart felt heavy for some reason. And it wasn't until she saw the healer's smile as she returned that she figured out why.

Hawke blended in everywhere. She fit together like a puzzle piece made universal for every puzzle. She was well respected, earning that respect through hard work and dedication. She always had an answer. She always had somewhere to go. And Joanna...Joanna was never so envious in her life.

"Um, healer?" she asked, fiddling with her hands nervously, "would it be possible to...would it be okay if I helped out a little? I-I don't have any sort of qualifications but...I'd work hard and learn fast."

The healer's smile changed. He reached over and put his hand on her shoulder. Then, he shook his head. "No. You may be confused because of Hawke's situation, but we do not assign a role to outsiders. I can only give you something that is related to your recovery."

Joanna sighed, and nodded. She expected as much. She returned to her cot, reclining in it and closing her eyes. She tried to do something she had only once before. She tried picturing her birth mother, hear her voice, and looked for any compulsion to find her, if she was somewhere.

She found nothing.