Numb
Insanity has clawed at me. Death has seen me. Suicide has begged for me. But none have been as close as to have claimed me as their own. ´Trying to keep myself together´ is an accurate way of describing how life has been for me recently. I have been alone for two weeks now. I´ve been shut inside my bedroom, not wanting to talk to anyone or have anyone talk to me.
I know every inch of every wall. I know the patters on every wooden tile on the floor. I even know what time the dawn rises every morning, or what time the sun sets. I can´t sleep, and so spend my days counting seconds, minutes, or hours. Every time they go by, I feel like I am being plunged further into the darkness, where I have been living since he left.
I am living in Kyle´s home, and the darkness I am in hovers over the one bedroom from which I woke once; woke to be told Eric was waiting for me downstairs.
I cannot stop thinking about him, though it hurts deeply when I do. The more I think of him, the more I want to be dead, as I´d rather be dead than have to live through the pain of remembering him. He is always there in my mind, and it has become impossible to not spend every waking hour praying for his return.
I love him, and I need him. My body needs to recover. I need him to pull me out of the darkness. He is my light, without whom I cannot see my way out. I´ve never needed anyone as much in my life.
From the million questions that swarm within me, only one stands out clearly. Is he watching me, from afar, like he said he would? If he is, does he see me like this in my misery?
My father and Kyle´s father have continued on with their lives, everything returning back to normal for them. We´ve made this house our temporary home now, especially when moving me could be risky, and so my father and Kyle´s have now teamed up, working together. They share the same passion and the same beliefs and so they continue to rid the world of vampires.
Kyle has unlike them stopped for a while and stays home. He says he too needs some time off, but I know he´s staying for me. The worst is that we do not talk anymore, because I cannot bring myself to move my lips. I am stationary, and therefore cannot even thank him or tell him what a great friend he is.
He cooks for me, looks after me, and when I cry out in my sleep – crying out Eric´s name – he is always there to wake me up, to hold my hand, and clean up my tears. It´s always the same dream when I sleep, the scene in which he left me. But Kyle´s love for me cannot drown out my pain, and it hurts so badly. There´s a whole in my chest, where my heart used to be. But now it´s empty, because he took it. Eric.
Today is different, because for once, I feel different. I feel like I need to talk to someone, and I can´t think of anyone better than Kyle who will listen and support me. I feel like I need Kyle and I want to talk to him. I feel like I need to do something, anything.
Today is the day in which I climb out from the darkness.
I listen carefully, and can hear muffled voices from downstairs. Kyle is downstairs, watching TV. I get up, slowly and quietly, still paranoid of everything around me. I descend the stairs, carefully grabbing hold of the banister to guide me. My legs are weak bellow me, but I take my time, stair by stair, step by step.
I am dressed solely in the bathrobe I have had on since I showered last night, and mentally, as I remember the water, I freeze on the stairs. It was warm against my skin at first, and I remember wanting it to drown me. How easy it would be to leave this life behind.
But I´d spent too much time in the bath, contemplating drowning or living. The water had turned cold. Cold, like Eric was against my skin. The water had been warm and cold, like me and Eric.
"Kyle," I whisper when at the bottom of the stairs. He is sat on the couch, quite concentrated on the TV that´s on. Instantly, he turns at my voice, his face automatically shocked at hearing me finally speak.
"Ronnie, are you okay?" He whispers back.
Somehow, my voice seems to be trapped once again, so I just nod , but seeing his face relax so warmly pushes me to continue speaking.
"I need to talk," I say, and he rewards me with another smile.
"You haven´t spoken in two weeks!" He says, pausing with alert. He doesn´t continue after that, so I see this as a cue to speak. He turns the TV off, so that all his attention is on me, and jumps out of the sofa, making room for me besides him. I move forwards towards him, so that I am sat beside him. However, I don´t look at him but instead drop my head and fiddle with my hands on my lap.
"Kyle, I am sorry that I´ve been mute for the last two weeks. I didn´t know how to…" I pause, searching for the right word, "…deal with what happened. I can´t cope, because I´ve never felt this before. I just wanted to thank you, for everything I guess you must have done for Eric and I.
"I don´t want you to be ashamed of me. I swear, when I first met him, I did hate him – "
"Shh," he pauses me. "I'm not ashamed of you, none of us are. Ronnie, we have a life so different to everyone else's; but just because we hunt vampires does not mean they're all the same. Eric was different – even I saw that. For Christ's sake, even your dad thanked him for saving you life!"
"My father would have shot Eric!" I cry, remembering the unfairness and the prejudice to which Eric had been the target of.
"Well, your father isn't completely forgiving. You just have to look ahead. You are just safer without him. You have to understand that."
"We weren't meant to happen," I swear. "But I don´t know… I guess I finally found someone that I could be normal with and who understood me. I could talk to him, even though he was the one thing I hated the most.
"Deep down, I knew that we would never be able to be together because of what I did and what he was. Now it seems stupid, endangering everyone's lives like that. But being with him just made me forget everything… I just wanted to be with him. I loved him so much… I still love him so much, and I need him. I feel like I´ll die or that I´ll explode if I go one more day without him."
I finally look up at him, as he grabs my hands in his.
"You won´t. You just have to be strong, remain strong. Heal. You have to, because he isn't coming back."
"I´ve never been in love before. I´ve never found anyone that I could truly love, and I didn't know what love could feel like. My dad and I, we used to joke about silly girls who´d spend months crying over boyfriends… I just never imagined myself the type. What Eric and I had… I love him so much. He´s gone though, he left me," I say.
I admit the truth to myself, knowing I now have to move on. Eric made it clear he was leaving, that he was never coming back. He isn't coming back, I mentally tell myself. I have to move on.
"He had to leave you, Ronnie," Kyle explains. I knew he´d help. Those few words mean so much. He loved me, but he had to. He didn´t want to.
"That´s all," I say, looking back up at him. He doesn´t speak, and I can see in his face that he wants me to continue. "That really is all – I just had to talk to someone. And you´re the only one that wasn´t mad at me for what happened. Thank-you, for helping me," I say.
"That´s alright. I trusted the guy, he helped you. I knew he was different," he finally speaks.
I smile at him, thanking him for his concern in me, and he smiles back. Kyle's words enlighten me, because they give me faith that Eric really was different, that he still is, wherever he is. There is a chance after all that we could co-exist. But he isn't coming back, I remind myself again.
Kyle gets up, startling me.
"So, are you going to go back into your room?" he asks. I shake my head.
"Good, well… there´s food in the fridge; I´ll leave the TV on," he says, as he reaches for the remote and presses several buttons.
The TV flickers on, and I stare at the music channel which plays one of my favourite bands´ music video – Numb by Linkin Park. A memory invades my mind. I remember a few years back, when Dad and I would climb into our car and drive distances on hunts, listening to rock and heavy metal loud in the car. Dad always said it motivated us, and prepared us for a fight, because it was as he described 'loud and angry music'. Somehow, with me in the car, it would always turn back to this song. Numb – it´s how I feel now.
I blink and realise at what he's just said. I look back at him, and realise that he´s packing. He´s leaving. No! I want to scream. A selfish side to me erupts on the surface. Knowing I have been alone for two weeks, I don´t want to be left alone any longer.
"Are you leaving?" I nearly scream at him. He stands straight, grabbing his jacket from the back of a chair. He looks at me and nods.
"Yes, there´s a vampire in town, and I thought I might go check on him," he whispers, and I freeze knowing that he´s going on a hunt on his own. He smiles, like when you give a child a birthday present and he begins to open it, knowing it´s what he´s asked for. I guess to him, killing a vampire is like opening a great birthday present. I know, because I used to have the same feeling.
"I want to come with you," I say.
He pauses, freezes and then eyes me carefully.
"Hell no Ronnie! Are you kidding me? You're the definition of unstable. You're only just beginning to function again, and I'm not letting you go near any vampire, especially not if it'll disrupt this progress you've achieved. Do you even realise how fragile you are right now?
"I swear I'm fine. I can handle this Kyle." I breathe out, not making sense out of anything apart from his words. I have to go with him. The one thing I don't want is to stay here all by myself when every corner of this house is infiltrated with thoughts of Eric.
"Are you sure?" he says. "I mean… well, you´ve just began to speak again, and move," he says, smiling at me. "Don´t take this the wrong way, but you´re also healing from a relationship with a vampire… I don´t know if you still hate them enough to help me kill one."
Deep down I make sense of what he's saying. He´s right – can I really kill one after my feelings for Eric? I don´t want to be alone though, so I have to be ready. I have to go with Kyle.
"You said Eric was different. It doesn't mean they're all different." My voice is no longer a whisper or a tremble. Its firmness and the words I speak reassure Kyle and he grins as if that was the exact answer he was listening out for.
"Go get changed. I'll wait right here," he says. I sprint up the stairs, retracing my previous steps. The person however that had descended these stairs only minutes ago has been vanquished. She's left my body. Now only I am left, a stronger me.
"I´ll be okay," I say when I am ready again. I get up, grab one of my dad´s jackets that lie on the sofa and walk over to him. I link arms with him, and look up at him, smiling. "Let´s go."
He eyes me warily once more, but sighs. He won´t get rid of me that easily. He walks forward, opens the door, waits until I am through the door and then follows me out, closing and locking it behind him.
The feeling of fresh air hits me as if it's something I have never experienced. It feels like an eternity since I stepped out of the warmth and solidarity of Kyle's home and I feel like I am being introduced to the outside world.
Unfortunately, I am not. I have experienced the hardest times and seen the world turned upside down. I know what many don't –what's out there in the world. Vampires.
It´s nearly dawn. For normal vampire hunters this means taking a risk, one that often is not worth it. If we don't hurry, the vampire will be wide away by the time we get there. Kyle however has sacrificed his life to stay home with me, and now that I seem to be responding he is wasting no time in returning to his old life. He needs this.
I jump in the car, not hesitating to look back to the house and wait for him to get in. He starts the car, and begins to drive away.
Minutes later and we´re standing in front of a block of flats; they are dirty, old and look abandoned. From previous nest encounters, this seems to be the perfect vampire lair.
I realise I´m back – this has managed to get my head from thoughts about Eric. I smile at Kyle who is grabbing some equipment from the car´s boot. He returns my smile, but then signals at me to come over to him.
"Will you be okay with the gun?" he asks, once again wary of me.
"Kyle, I´m fine and yes, I will be okay with the gun," I say, clearly to him. "Can I have some silver chain too?" I ask.
"Sure," he says, handing over some silver chain he has in his hand.
He grabs some more silver chain for himself, and then loads himself with a stake and a gun, filling each of his trouser pockets with a mix of both wooden and silver bullets.
"Are you sure you´re okay?" he asks, one last time.
I don´t answer him, annoyed at his mistrust in me, but I can´t blame him. I wrap the chain around my neck, reminding me of Eric, who's delicate and cold fingers magically unwound it from my neck on our first encounter. Then I position the gun round my back, and walk in front of him.
"Ladies first then," I hear Kyle say, chuckling.
We walk into the building; a horror movie scene awaits us. Doors are broken, cut and snapped, and the front door creaks as we close it. The light flickers on and off as I try not to laugh at Kyle.
As I look at him, he informs me of our destination. He points to the corridor on the left and then points up, showing a number three with his fingers indicating level three. I nod in understanding and once again laugh at the scene in front of me.
The building looks abandoned inside as it did on the outside. I stare at every corner; cobwebs cloud the broken security cameras the building once had, and smashed glass covers some areas of the floor. I have to step carefully, so as to prevent cuts. If the vampire really is here, three floors would be nothing if he smells my blood. He could kill us so quickly, and we wouldn´t even have time to pick our guns up.
We both move swiftly through the corridor, and up the first and second flight of stairs. We are quiet like the mute being I have been for the last two weeks, and we climb closer to our prey, him or her unaware of us, or at least I think.
I grab the gun from my back pocket, ready as I run into the first room I see.
He sits there on a perfectly round stool at the centre of the grand room. Him.
"Isaac?" I ask stupidly because I know, for my life, that it is him.
His wry smile pops up on his face. The smile triggers a thought as I remember that smile from when Eric gave him the order to feed on me. I baulk at the thought. He nearly killed me, and now I have the chance to return the favour – to kill him.
"Well hello, baby," he says, mocking Eric. His tone wounds me and the remembrance of Eric completely executes me. He steps towards me, and I feel Kyle behind me tense.
"Have you seen Eric lately?" he asks me.
"No." I truthfully but bitterly say.
"Good," he says, smiling at my pain. "Once I´ve killed you, I´ll at least get a head start before he comes for revenge."
I pause and blink. He's toying with me but I know the game. If I am to die, I'll at least protect Eric if it's the last thing I do. I pick up the pieces left of me and put myself together.
"He won´t," I mutter. "He doesn´t care for me," I make it sound. He hesitates but he doesn´t believe me. He knows Eric better than me.
"You know, after Antoinne, Eric was the eldest of all the vampires I knew. He was strong, wise and a good leader. You ruined that, Human. You made him fall in love… emotions we vampires do not have!" He shouts.
I can´t speak. I´m mute again. Just remembering Eric, I´m weak.
"Of course, he probably fell for your blood… because after all you are Healer," he says as a matter of fact.
"What?" His words paralyze me and deep down they swim unknown in my mind. The term is new to me. Healer.
"Oh, didn´t he tell you?" he asks. "Yes... probably trying to protect you as usual. You're very valuable. I actually know of several vampires that would pay a very high price for someone like you," he says.
He has me distracted, the perfect time to attack and he succeeds. He runs forwards and grabs me by the neck, careful so that his hands don´t touch the silver chain. He cocks my neck slightly to the left. All he can see is the area behind my ear, and from the corner of his eyes I see him smile.
"Let her go," Kyle shouts behind me, but his voice doesn´t interrupt Isaac´s look at me.
Kyle tries again. I hear him fire a bullet, but Isaac moves us both in time, dodging it easily.
"Next time, human, I position her straight in front of the bullet, and she dies at your hands." His voice is cold.
He finally let's go of me, retreating back to his stool in the middle of the room. He sits at it, one leg on the floor, the other on the stool's step. He looks picturesque, ready for a portrait to be taken of this heavenly and beautiful creature. Of course, he isn't really heavenly but a creature of hell and his beautiful appearance is a trick to the human eye. I know better.
"So… Eric really didn´t tell you," he chuckles. "I don´t know anymore. Should I kill you… or sell you to the king? Because keeping you doesn´t appeal to me."
His words mean nothing to me. I don´t understand what he´s talking about, but he stares interestingly at me, as if I am performing to him. I continue with my own personal game.
"How old are you, Isaac?" I manage, more confident that I am now away from his grasp.
I walk backwards, closer to Kyle.
"Well, just over 400 years old," he laughs. "By the way, if we´re asking questions do you mind if I ask you one, now that I´ve decided to kill you?"
I don´t respond.
"Do you mind if I suck you close to dry before I kill you? Because you´re blood was definitely something I want to try again," he says, smiling a helpless smile.
He looks innocent, but I know it´s all a game. I can play it too, I think to myself. I chuckle, definitely not the answer he was expecting. He glares at me.
"Do you want to know why I asked you your age, Isaac?" I shout at him. God, he makes me angry. "It´s because at only 400, I know that silver will affect you!" I shout, and before he can change expression, I´ve shot a silver bullet right through his chest.
It´s all it takes. He explodes around me, and leaves a pool of blood on the floor as well as on the walls, and all over my clothes. I turn back to Kyle who seems to be in panic. I smile warmly at him, and he relaxes.
"Shit!" he says, laughing, running both hands through his hair in disbelief. "You´re awesome. Come on, let´s go."
"You go on ahead, I´ll be right behind you," I say.
He eyes me warily, but then turns and leaves the room.
I look back to the room, trying to find anything of importance. All that I find are bottles of blood, disposed of or smashed, but all empty. The rest of the objects seem to have no relevance or connections to Isaac, so I conclude they were here before he arrived.
I know why I really am here though. Every glace I take at the room I try to scan for and find clues to where Eric could be, so that I can see him, even if it is just for one second. I am unsuccessful. I don´t recognize anything.
A minute later and I believe I have looked everywhere. With clear disappointment, I decide to head for the car, so that Kyle and I can go back home.
As I turn I see an obstacle´s appeared at the door – Sienna.
"God, I seem to be seeing all the family today," I mock her, trying to seem stronger than I feel. The truth is that this time I really am on my own. Kyle doesn't have my back. Sienna seems to know that too.
"Don't worry. You won't get to see the rest, especially not Eric. Now you´re completely alone," she whispers. "And I can just go ahead, and kill you," she says, her voice slightly failing as it quivers.
She looks up at me, and I see she´s crying. Blood spills from her eyes and flows down her perfect face, as a small part of me suddenly fills with guilt.
"I arrived too late, and now he´s dead," she whispers, in between sobs.
She runs towards me, but stops midway, crouching down, her hands lost in between the blood on the floor. She sobs, her bloody tears joining the mess.
She looks up at me once again from the floor, and suddenly her face is within inches of mine. She grabs my neck and lifts me so that my feet no longer touch the floor. I bring my hands up, but even both together can´t make hers move from my throat.
I´m choking.
"Let. Me. Go," I manage.
"You didn´t let him go, you bitch!"
She chucks me against the wall; my body crashing severely against it and falling onto the floor. I am cut and I am bleeding. At an advantage, she has me seconds from death.
She runs towards me, and lifts me back up so that I can see her. Her face, deep with revenge smiles darkly at me. Then, her arms drop me on a table, and in seconds she is feeding on me. My head´s in pieces, and I can´t concentrate.
It hurts, it burns, and it kills.
One memory keeps me from going under. I scream. "Eric!"
She retreats her fangs from my throat just so that she can laugh at me.
"Scream all you want," she laughs. "Eric, oh Eric, help me, save me!" she mimics. "Prince Charming won´t help you. He doesn´t care for you!"
She sinks her teeth back into me, and sucks. When she´s had enough, she stands and with one hand, lifts me and hauls me over to the opposite side of the room. My head hangs heavy and I collapse and crash into a solid object. Another table or wardrobe maybe.
My body feels weak, and as I force my eyes to open I see her running out of the door, leaving me for dead. I feel dead. I feel weak. My body gives way, and I stop breathing. I can´t – it´s too hard, tiring and it hurts. I feel like I´ve been destroyed further and that I have been hurt to a point where I can no longer tolerate it any more. I just want to shut it off.
Cold hands pick me up, but I can´t feel more than that.
"Please. Don´t. Hurt. Me." I ask the cold hands.
"Baby, I´d never…" my ears pick up. The velvet voice is beautiful and… male. I beg that it's Kyle. I feel relief as I realise it can´t be her. "I´m sorry, that I didn't make it in time. Just hold on Ronnie."
Who is this man? I can barely hear him, and now I can barely feel him. His cold hands are leaving me… or I am leaving him.
"Quick," he speaks again. "I´ll take her home."
"You? God! What happened?" Another male voice asks.
But there´s no response from the beautiful man whose hands I am in. I can´t hear his beautiful voice. I need to know what happened. Why won´t he tell the other man?
Suddenly he´s lifting me closer to his chest and then he´s climbing onto something. I memorise his every move, trying to figure out where he's taking me and my aching body.
He stops and lies down, laying me on top of him. I put my cheek against his chest, and hold tightly to him, scared that I´ll fall off.
I can remember the hurt Sienna did to me, but since then I can't figure out where I am or who I'm with. My eyes remain closed, and my throat remains open, gushing out blood.
But amongst all these problems, this being has saved me and all I can think of is my cheek against his chest, where his heart beats steadily. His skin's cold and I´m burning. We compliment each-other. Who is he? He brings his wrist closer to my mouth so that it pushes my lips apart. His wrist is wet, and I flinch away from it. The wet liquid now surrounds my mouth and lips, and I refuse to have any more.
"Please," the angel´s voice asks of me. How can I resist his beautiful voice, pleading with me?
He pushes his wrist back towards my lips, and I take it, swallowing the sweet liquid that he´s pushing down my throat. It´s lovely.
I drink, and drink and then, when I feel strong again, I let myself drift into a deep and fluid sleep in my angel´s arms where at last I feel safe. The last thought that comes to my mind is Eric. Eric.