Episode Ten:

Raised By Another, or In which Claire's character is meaningfully developed in the following way: First she wasn't pregnant, then she got pregnant, then she continued being pregnant.

Scene opens on CLAIRE, who is WAKING UP.

CLAIRE: I'm PREGNANT! Oh wait, I'm not. That's weird. But I'm sure I'm not dreaming.

She hears a BABY CRYING and GOES into the JUNGLE after it. She finds LOCKE, sitting at a TABLE with TAROT CARDS.

LOCKE: As creepy dream-sequence Locke, I am supposed to tell you that because you gave up your baby, something bad is going to happen!

CLAIRE: But I never gave up my baby, I'm on the isla––

LOCKE: Something bad is going to happen, okay?

CLAIRE: Sure. Whatever.

Locke LOOKS UP.

LOCKE: I tried to use these backgammon pieces as glasses, but it didn't work out too well.

CLAIRE: Ew. Okay, well, I'm just going to run deeper into the jungle to finish off my creepy dream sequence.

She DOES. She FINDS a CRIB with a PLANE MOBILE over it.

PLANES: We say Oceanic! Wooooh, creepy!

Claire begins to LIFT the BLANKETS in the CRIB.

CLAIRE: Bebe! Where's the bebe!

She finds BLOOD instead.

CLAIRE: Oh noooo! A dingo ate the baby!

Claire WAKES UP, again. This time FOR REAL. Maybe. She SCREAMS.

CHARLIE: Claire! Calm down!

CLAIRE: Oh no, not you!

CHARLIE: S'okay, she clearly doesn't know what she's saying!

CLAIRE: Sniffle sob sob.

CHARLIE: Aw, poor widdle Cwaire, did you have a bad dweam?

CLAIRE: Yes (sniffle).

CHARLIE: Hey, what's this on your hands? Blood! Egad!

CLAIRE: Gasp! Shock!

HURLEY: Gasp! Shock!

-LOST-

Scene opens on CLAIRE, being DOCTORED by JACK.

JACK: In this scene we reveal that the blood was actually just from Claire's fingernails!

CLAIRE: But we thought it made a good gasp shock moment for a commercial break!

JACK: So you probably weren't dreaming about something innocuous, like riding ponies, huh?

CLAIRE: I have a mortal fear of ponies!

JACK: Oh. Sorry. Anyway. Peroxide! Have some peroxide!

CLAIRE: You really like peroxide, don't you Jack?

JACK: Yeah, I'm thinking of composing a song. Something like… Peroxide, dum dum dum, peroxide, yay!

CLAIRE: That's really great, Jack.

JACK: I know. And hey, Claire, guess what! One time I even had a girlfriend!

CLAIRE: Wow!

Claire has a FLASHBACK. She is in an APARTMENT with her BOYFRIEND THOMAS. She has just TAKEN a PREGNANCY TEST.

CLAIRE: This flashback reveals how I discovered I was pregnant!

THOMAS: Hi!

CLAIRE: What happened was, I was six weeks late, so I thought I should probably try a pregnancy test!

AUDIENCE: Wow…good idea.

CLAIRE: And the pregnancy test was positive!

THOMAS: No it wasn't!

CLAIRE: Yes it was! There were two pink lines!

THOMAS: Weren't! They were red!

CLAIRE: Pink!

THOMAS: Red!

CLAIRE: Pink!

THOMAS: You're not pregnant! La la la, I'm not listening!

CLAIRE: Then how do you explain being six weeks late, huh, Thomas?

THOMAS: Easy! Cancer!

CLAIRE: You would rather I had cancer than be pregnant! Bastard!

THOMAS: I mean, uh…okay, backtracking. Maybe you are pregnant. Hey, I have an idea! Let's have the baby!

CLAIRE: What the hell? A minute ago you wouldn't even believe I was pregnant, now you want to have this baby?

THOMAS: Yeah! It's totally a plot contrivance!

CLAIRE: A what?

THOMAS: But the important thing to remember is that I will never leave you. Never, never, never. Never.

Back on the ISLAND, JACK approaches KATE by the OCEAN.

JACK: Hi, Kate! Flirt, flirt, flirt!

KATE: The last time I flirted with you was like three episodes ago. Now you start flirting with me?

JACK: I'm slow.

There follows an utterly USELESS scene in which Kate SINKS and Jack gains a SENSE of HUMOR for approximately .00017 SECONDS. In fact, it is so USELESS that we will pretend it NEVER HAPPENED. When we tune back in, they are TALKING about SAYID.

KATE: I am concerned! Very concerned!

JACK: Grr. The longer Sayid stays away, the better. I will comfort you, Kate!

KATE: No thanks.

JACK: Are you sure you don't need a hug?

KATE: No. I'm good.

Somewhere in the JUNGLE, CLAIRE is WRITING in her DIARY. CHARLIE approaches.

CHARLIE: Hiya, Claire!

CLAIRE: Oh no. Not you.

CHARLIE: I know, I know, you're still upset about that dream. Luckily I am here to make you feel better, with tea and a preview for my new comedy show! It's called "Lost on an Island: Charlie and Hurley perform exotic dance moves for your pleasure." I could even show you a few of the exotic dances!

CLAIRE: Um. No, thanks.

CHARLIE: Something wrong, Claire?

CLAIRE: Actually, I'm kind of worried about Jack. I was talking to him earlier and he used the word "innocuous."

CHARLIE: Oooh, really? Sounds serious.

CLAIRE: Yeah, I thought it was a bit weird. But then he started singing about peroxide, so I figured he was probably okay.

CHARLIE: Well, if Jack uses any more big words, you can just come tell me about it.

CLAIRE: Okay.

CHARLIE: Oh, that reminds me! I came over here to tell you about this dream I had. What happened was, there was this biscuit, right, and it was on a bus with some bacon and, er… No, no, that's not right, it was the biscuit driving the bus and someone's mum got a tooth stuck in the bacon…

CLAIRE: Charlie…

CHARLIE: Anyway, it was all about food. Do you feel better now?

CLAIRE: No! You just reminded me that I'm still mad at you about the imaginary peanut butter!

CHARLIE: Oh.

Charlie quickly HIDES a plate of IMAGINARY BISCUITS behind his back.

CHARLIE: Anyway! I worry about you, Claire. Because I really like you. A lot. In a completely platonic, non-obsessive way, I mean. So I wondered if you would let me follow you around everywhere like a puppy, and we could call it friendship.

CLAIRE: Actually…I don't like you.

CHARLIE: Oh. Well, I'm not really surprised. But I'd better not tell her about Claire Obsessives Anonymous.

Charlie LEAVES. Claire has a FLASHBACK. She is with her FRIEND RACHEL, and they are going to SEE a PSYCHIC.

RACHEL: I'm tall! That is my sole personality trait!

CLAIRE: I'm moving into Thomas's apartment! I love Thomas, because he is loyal and dedicated and will never, ever leave me!

RACHEL: That's great! Now let's go see this psychic!

CLAIRE: I am reluctant! Reluctant, I say!

RACHEL: Oh, whatever, it'll be fun! And it only costs 200 dollars!

CLAIRE: That's pretty expensive fun.

RACHEL: Yeah, well, plot contrivances aren't exactly cheap, you know.

CLAIRE: What?

RACHEL: Nothing. Oh, look, here we are!

Inside the psychic's HOUSE, CLAIRE sits at a TABLE with RICHARD MALKIN.

MALKIN: I am a legitimate psychic. Mm-hmm, I am defnitely legitimate.

CLAIRE: And isn't your mommy proud.

MALKIN: Mm-hmm. Wait. What?

CLAIRE: Nothing.

MALKIN: Okay! Give me your feet!

CLAIRE: Feet?

MALKIN: Hands. I meant hands.

CLAIRE: Ooo-kay. Here you are.

MALKIN: Okey-dokey, let's see here… Well, this is your heart line, and it's really short so it means that you'll be unlucky in love.

CLAIRE: Actually, that's my life line.

MALKIN: Oh. Well in that case, it means you're going to die, um…on December 42nd, 2003.

CLAIRE: But that's impossible! It's already 2004!

MALKIN: Oh. Nevermind. Um…you're pregnant?

CLAIRE: Yes! Wow! You're amazing! One out of three ain't bad!

RACHEL: Yes it is, it's only 33 percent––

CLAIRE: Shut up!

MALKIN: And, um, um…I can't come up with anything else, so I will act freaked out and vaguely ominous and refuse to continue the reading!

CLAIRE: Wow. That's a good technique.

MALKIN: Thanks, I use it quite oft–– I mean, rarely. Very rarely. Because I am a legitimate psychic. Very legitimate. Extremely legitimate.

CLAIRE: I didn't know it was possible to be extremely legitimate.

MALKIN: Well, it is. Good-bye now.

Back on the ISLAND, CLAIRE is ASLEEP. Suddenly, a HAND covers her MOUTH and then Claire SCREAMS.

ETHAN: Dammit! The whole point of putting my hand on her mouth was so she wouldn't scream. Oh well, I'd better run off before anyone gets suspicious of me!

CHARLIE, of course, RUSHES to Claire's side, along with various other SURVIVORS.

CLAIRE: Somebody attacked me!

CHARLIE: Come on, Hurley! Let's go search the perimeter! Even though most likely the culprit is standing among us even as we speak!

JACK: But wait, how will you defend yourselves?

CHARLIE: We'll perform our comedy act and he will be immobilized with laughter, just like the fish we caught!

HURLEY: Good idea, dude!

Charlie and Hurley RUN off.

JACK: Don't worry, Claire, I will find the perpetrator!

CLAIRE: "Perpetrator"! Jack, you're scaring me!

JACK: Sorry. I mean, I will find the bad guy! Have some peroxide!

CLAIRE: That's better. I am comforted.

ETHAN: Hi guys! I'm just hovering around here because I was drawn by Claire's screams and I am concerned about her! Because I'm not suspicious! Very normal person here, who was on the plane. Uh-huh, yep, I was definitely on the plane.

CLAIRE: My BAY-UH-BEE! He was trying to hurt my BAY-UH-BEE!

MICHAEL: No way! I can scream for my child better than that! WAAAAAALT! MAH BOOOOYYYYY!

CLAIRE: Oh, whatever. I am so the better screamer.

LATER, in the JUNGLE, various PEOPLE are PATROLLING. JACK approaches HURLEY.

HURLEY: We got nothin', dude. Me and Charlie had to perform our exotic dance moves without any audience at all.

JACK: Okay, could you maybe stop mentioning the exotic dance moves thing? It's really not that funny anymore.

HURLEY: What are you talking about? Of course it's still funny!

JACK: Trust me, man. It's not.

HURLEY: Dude, you don't even have a sense of humor.

JACK: Yeah huh! I told Kate some jokes earlier today! You can just ask her!

HURLEY: Okay, I'll do that. Anywho…I think we should start a census, because nobody can tell Scott and Steve apart. Oh, and we should have doors.

JACK: Doors?

HURLEY: Yeah, like for houses.

JACK: I know what doors are, Hurley.

HURLEY: That way I can be all, Hey, I think I'll go visit Sayid, and I can go knock on Sayid's door and he'll be all, Hurley, what's up, come into my tee-pee, and I can be all, Dude, Sayid, what up with you and Shann­­––

JACK: Hurley. Focus. We're looking for the guy who attacked Claire, remember?

HURLEY: That's what I'm talking about, dude! That's why we need to have doors!

Back at the CAVES, CLAIRE is sitting by a FIRE looking TROUBLED.

CLAIRE: Yeah, well, unlike Kate at least I have a good reason to be troubled!

CHARLIE approaches.

CHARLIE: Don't worry, Claire, I'll protect you from nasty jungle men! I'll never let any nasty jungle man kidnap you and drag you off into the jungle while I hang idly from a tree with a hood over my head!

CLAIRE: Um. That's reassuring.

Claire has a FLASHBACK in which she is HANGING DRAPES. THOMAS arrives.

THOMAS: Sooo, Claire, remember how first I was totally in denial about you being pregnant?

CLAIRE: Yeah…

THOMAS: And then I completely changed my mind and decided I wanted us to have a baby?

CLAIRE: Yeah…

THOMAS: Well, I've completely changed my mind again!

CLAIRE: I don't think I like where this is going.

THOMAS: So, sayonara! And good luck with the baby!

CLAIRE: Let me get this straight. I didn't want to have this baby. You convinced me that it would be a good idea. You said you would never, ever leave me. And now you're leaving me? Stuck with a baby I didn't even want to have in the first place?

THOMAS: Well, that makes me sound pretty bad, doesn't it?

CLAIRE: So basically, to sum up, you're a complete bastard?

THOMAS: That's awfully harsh, Claire…I mean, I'm not selfish or anything, but it's only my own happiness and success that I'm concerned with! I'm outta here!

He LEAVES.

CLAIRE: All men are bastards!

A second LATER, he RETURNS.

THOMAS: Wait a minute, this is my apartment! Get the hell out!

CLAIRE: NO!

THOMAS: Well, I'm not leaving!

VINCE VAUGHN in a brief CAMEO: Me neither!

Back on the ISLAND, HURLEY is on the BEACH collecting INFORMATION. He approaches LOCKE.

HURLEY: Hey, Locke!

LOCKE: How'd you know who I am?

HURLEY: Well, Charlie called you "the bald wanker" and Michael said you were "a creepy old bald man who is clearly a child molester," and––

LOCKE: I get it. Now let me make a joke that is almost Jack-like in its lameness! Hey, I'm funny! I hear you have a comedy show…can I join?

HURLEY: Um. No. I mean, nobody wants to see an old bald man perform exotic dance moves.

LOCKE: Oh, but they want to see you?

HURLEY: Of course! I'm sexy, man! And so is Charlie!

At this point, Locke becomes so INCAPACITATED with LAUGHTER that he FALLS OVER.

HURLEY: Dude. You okay?

LOCKE: Chortle gasp guffaw giggle!

HURLEY: Okay, I'm just gonna…leave.

Elsewhere on the BEACH, CHARLIE is talking with JACK and KATE.

CHARLIE: I told Claire I would protect her! We must find the bad guy! Hey, d'you think its one of our own people?

KATE: Must be. Not like there's any mysterious, murderous natives living in the jungle. It's just a normal island, after all.

JACK: Actually, guys, I've thought of a completely rational, scientific explanation for Claire's behavior! Therefore, I will refuse to entertain any other theories!

CHARLIE: But what if there really is––

JACK: Nope, sorry, decision's made, no input from you!

KATE: But I think Claire can––

JACK: Didn't you hear me? I'm right, you're wrong. And we're gonnna do things my way!

CHARLIE: Sayid was right about you! Controlling bastard.

JACK: So we need a way to calm Claire down and stop her from having more hallucinations so she doesn't go into early wossname.

KATE: Labor?

JACK: Yeah. That.

CHARLIE: She's not having halluci––

JACK: I suggest peroxide.

KATE: Um, don't you think some kind of sedative wou––

JACK: Or perhaps a sedative. Yeah, a sedative! Gosh I'm such a good doctor!

KATE: Hmm.

In the JUNGLE, ETHAN is COLLECTING FRUIT. HURLEY approaches.

HURLEY: Hey, um…dude?

ETHAN: Ethan!

HURLEY: Ethan. Right. All you redshirts are so easy to get mixed up.

ETHAN: I'm not wearing a red shirt.

HURLEY: I don't even know why I'm talking to you! As a redshirt, you should really just be wandering around in the background. But I'm sure the fact that you seem to be prominently featured in this episode isn't at all significant. Anyway…what's your full name?

ETHAN: Ethan Rom!

HURLEY: Wow! That's an anagram for "Other Man"! Wonder what that means?

ETHAN: No idea.

HURLEY: Where are you from?

ETHAN: Canada!

HURLEY: Uh-huh. And what were you doing in Australia?

ETHAN: Business!

HURLEY: Okay, well, thanks for your non-suspiciously prompt answers!

ETHAN: No problem. Just do me one favor, okay? Don't find the manifest. You don't need the manifest.

HURLEY: What's a manifest?

ETHAN: Nothing. Nevermind. No such thing.

At the CAVES, CLAIRE is again WRITING in her DIARY. JACK approaches.

JACK: Woah, Claire, you're looking kind of rough.

CLAIRE: Yeah, being attacked can do that to you.

JACK: About that… I just wanted to let you know that I've thought up a very rational explanation for your behavior. Hallucinations!

CLAIRE: But there already is a rational explanation. I was attacked!

JACK: Yeah, but my theory is also scientific and medical and it has precedents. Making it clearly the correct theory.

CLAIRE: Jack, I know the difference between real life and a halluci––

JACK: No, you don't, Claire.

CLAIRE: Wait. How do you know what I––

JACK: Because I'm a doctor, Claire. And you're not. Therefore, you are stupid.

CLAIRE: All men are bastards!

Claire STORMS off into the JUNGLE.

CLAIRE: I was just yelling at Jack for not believing me about the scary jungle man, so to emphasize my point I will go into the jungle alone!

AUDIENCE: You are stupid.

While STORMING off, she has a FLASHBACK. She KNOCKS on the DOOR of MALKIN's house.

CLAIRE: Will you give me a reading now?

MALKIN: Oh, sure. Even though I was completely horrified last time, I'm sure it will be fine now.

They SIT at a TABLE.

MALKIN: So…you're engaged to your boyfriend.

CLAIRE: Um, no.

MALKIN: Your boyfriend fell off a bridge and died?

CLAIRE: I wish.

MALKIN: Your boyfriend left you?

CLAIRE: Yes! Wow! Amazing!

MALKIN: I am amazing. Hm, now what should I tell her? You will meet a tall dark stranger, your life is in grave danger, stay away from bridges… Or I haven't used the old "your unborn child is Satan" schtick in a while, maybe I'll go with that one…

CLAIRE: La de da, I am sweet and naive!

MALKIN: I'm sorry to say that your baby is evil.

CLAIRE: What?

MALKIN: Let me explain in words you will understand. Your baby is Anakin Skywalker, and if you don't raise him yourself, he will turn into Darth Vader.

CLAIRE: It's a boy, then!

MALKIN: No, that's not­­­­—not the important issue here.

CLAIRE: Well, I think it's important. Boy or girl?

MALKIN: Satan!

CLAIRE: That's not a gender!

MALKIN: Fine, whatever, it's a boy, okay?

CLAIRE: Oh, good.

MALKIN: Look, have you ever seen Rosemary's Baby? It's like that!

CLAIRE: You mean Thomas is the devil? I knew it! He was always a complete bastard, he said—

MALKIN: Pay attention! I'm going to talk very slowly now so you understand.

CLAIRE: Okay.

MALKIN: The baby……………is evil.

CLAIRE: Will he have any cool birthmarks? Like 666? Or maybe cloven hooves?

MALKIN: Yes, sure. And you must………keep………the baby.

CLAIRE: What? Why would I want to keep a devil baby?

MALKIN: So that you can influence him to be stupid—I mean, good.

CLAIRE: No way! That sounds like too much work. See ya!

She LEAVES. LATER, Claire is ASLEEP when the PHONE rings.

MALKIN: Surprise, it's me again!

CLAIRE: You've been calling me for months!

And so it is REVEALED that MONTHS have PASSED in a casual SCENE CHANGE.

MALKIN: You must keep the baby. You must keep the baby. You must keep—

CLAIRE: No way!

MALKIN: Darn, my ingenious plan has failed! I thought you would be more reasonable in the middle of the night!

CLAIRE: If you don't stop calling me, I'm changing my phone number!

MALKIN: You always say that, and yet you never do. Could it be you secretly enjoy my late-night phone calls?

CLAIRE: Ew! No!

She HANGS UP.

CLAIRE: Pervert.

Back on the ISLAND, CHARLIE, of course, has FOLLOWED CLAIRE.

CHARLIE: A-stalking I will go, a-stalking I will go, hi-ho the derry-o, a-stalking I will go!

CLAIRE: Charlie, come out. I can hear you there singing nonsensical songs.

CHARLIE: Hiya, Claire! I have followed you to say that even I think it was stupid for you to have gone into the jungle alone where, according to you, there is someone who wants to attack you. Luckily, I am here to protect you!

CLAIRE: Oh boy.

CHARLIE: Yes indeedy, no savage jungle man will possibly be able to abduct you while I am here.

CLAIRE: I now hate Jack. I used to trust him, but not anymore!

CHARLIE: Cool! That makes me, you, Sawyer, and Sayid, and I'm sure Kate will come around eventually. Maybe we should start a club. And I'll write a dissertation called "10 Reasons Why Jack Is a Controlling Bastard."

CLAIRE: Sounds good. Why, in comparison to Jack, you actually don't seem all that bad!

CHARLIE: What a compliment! You know, it's really a good thing that Claire's as dumb as a sack of hammers, it might make it easier for me to get into her pants!

CLAIRE: So I'm moving back to the beach to get away from Jack!

CHARLIE: But the beach isn't safe!

CLAIRE: Excuse me? What dangerous things have happened at the caves? There was a nearly deadly cave-in, you sliced your foot on a rock, Michael smashed his finger with a rock, and I got attacked. What dangerous things have happened at the beach? Nothing!

CHARLIE: Well, of course it sounds bad when you put it like that!

On the BEACH, HURLEY is getting INFORMATION from SHANNON and BOONE.

HURLEY: Name?

SHANNON: Shannon Rutherford. And Boone's my brother. Definitely my brother. Nothing fishy going on here.

HURLEY: Where were you guys last night?

SHANNON: On the beach! Of course! Where else would we be? Not in the jungle having sex or anything! Because we're brother and sister!

BOONE: Gosh Shannon, defensive much? Anyway, Hurley, you should get the plane's manifest.

HURLEY: Yeah? That Ethan fellow mentioned the manifest, too.

BOONE: Yeah, Sawyer's got it.

HURLEY: Of course he does.

SAWYER is sitting in his TENT. HURLEY enters.

SAWYER: This whole "getting the manifest" scene is really just an opportunity for me to get some shirtless screentime.

HURLEY: When do I get my shirtless screentime?

SAWYER: After Charlie, but before Jack.

HURLEY: So, anyway, can I have the manifest dealie?

SAWYER: …No.

HURLEY: But I'm funny!

SAWYER: Well…you made me laugh, so okay, you get the manifest! Good job!

HURLEY: Sooo, Sawyer, I don't suppose I can convince you to join our comedy act? You get to perform exotic dances!

SAWYER: Nah, me and Sayid have already choreographed our own dances.

In the JUNGLE, CHARLIE and CLAIRE are WALKING.

CLAIRE: Why did you follow me, Charlie?

CHARLIE: Because I follow you everywh— I mean…because I like you. Yeah. In a completely platonic, non-obsessive way. Not because I'm a stalker or anything.

CLAIRE: Actually, I think you just have an unhealthy obsession with pregnant women.

CHARLIE: Dang! How did she find out the motto for Claire Obsessives Anonymous!

Suddenly, Claire begins to GASP in PAIN and CLUTCH her STOMACH.

CHARLIE: Claire! Claire, what's wrong? Why are you clutching your stomach and gasping in pain? Do you have a stomach cramp? Did you eat some bad guava? Do you—

CLAIRE: You are ten kinds of stupid. I'm having a baby. That is what happens when you're pregnant, you know.

CHARLIE: Oh. Right.

CLAIRE: Dammit, what do I do now? Charlie can't deliver my baby, he's an idiot, but Jack's not much better. At least he's a doctor…but he'll probably just want to use peroxide…

CHARLIE: Claire, I can so deliver a baby! It can't be that hard!

CLAIRE: Hm…

CHARLIE: Wait. Which way does it come out, the front or the back?

CLAIRE: Okay. That's it. Get Jack.

CHARLIE: But I thought you hated Jack!

CLAIRE: I do!

CHARLIE: But he's, like, a spinal surgeon! He probably doesn't know anything about delivering babies!

CLAIRE: And you do?

CHARLIE: I have watched movies on the Lifetime channel, you know.

CLAIRE: Well, that's just disturbing. Get Jack! Now!

CHARLIE: Oh, fine. But you're gonna owe me a big favor!

CLAIRE: As long as it doesn't involve you following me around everywhere and watching me sleep.

CHARLIE: Dammit, how did you know?

He RUNS off. Claire has a FLASHBACK. She is in a ROOM with an ADOPTION GUY and a COUPLE.

ADOPTION GUY: So you're here to sell your baby!

CLAIRE: I thought it was called adoption?

ADOPTION GUY: Oh it is, it is. Selling babies is, of course, illegal! Don't try it at home, kids.

CLAIRE: Um, okay.

ADOPTION GUY: So what's going to happen is, you have the baby and give it to this random couple, then they give you money.

CLAIRE: That sounds an awful lot like selling.

ADOPTION GUY: Well, it's completely different. The money they give you is merely a gift.

CLAIRE: Riiiight. Wink, wink.

ADOPTION GUY: No. There is to be no winking going on here. Now, does everyone understand the transaction—er, adoption procedure? Mr. and Mrs. Random Couple?

MRS. RANDOM COUPLE: We understand completely.

MR. RANDOM COUPLE: …

ADOPTION GUY: Excellent!

CLAIRE: Just a sec. When I give you the baby, do you think you could sing "Baby Got Back" to it sometimes?

MR. RANDOM COUPLE: …

MRS. RANDOM COUPLE: Is that the one that goes "Shake that healthy butt"?

CLAIRE: Yes.

MRS. RANDOM COUPLE: We'd be delighted.

ADOPTION GUY: Now Ms. Littleton, please sign this contract of sale—er, adoption. Once you sign, it is final! You can't change your mind! Ever!

CLAIRE: Okay.

The PEN does NOT WORK. The NEXT pen also does NOT WORK.

CLAIRE: Well, this is clearly a sign from God. Or maybe the devil. Whatever.

MRS. RANDOM COUPLE: I have plenty of other pens for you to try!

CLAIRE: No thanks, I'm too lazy to sit here and find a working pen, so I guess I'll keep the baby after all. See ya!

MRS. RANDOM COUPLE: NOOOOOO! MY BAY-UH-BEE!

CLAIRE: It's my baby, bitch!

MR. RANDOM COUPLE: …

LATER, Claire goes to visit MALKIN.

CLAIRE: Well, my pen didn't work, so I'm ready to listen to you now.

MALKIN: At last! My plan to plant dummy pens was a success!

Back on the ISLAND, CHARLIE is TEARING through the JUNGLE. He finds ETHAN.

CHARLIE: Hey! It's my fellow Claire Obsessives Anonymous member!

ETHAN: Oh, hey, Charlie. Listen, I wrote this poem about Claire that I wanted to show you. It goes, "Her golden curls are plentiful, but her distended tummy is the most beautiful—"

CHARLIE: Wow, Ethan, that's really good! You wrote that?

ETHAN: Oh, it's just a little something I—

CHARLIE: Oh yeah, Claire's gone into labor! So I need you to go get Jack, okay?

ETHAN: Into labor? She's having the baby? Now?

CHARLIE: Yes, now! And what's with the italics? Go!

Ethan DASHES off.

CHARLIE: Gosh, it sure is lucky I ran into someone trustworthy to go find Jack!

He TEARS back to CLAIRE.

CHARLIE: It's okay, Claire, I'm here, I'm back.

CLAIRE: Where's Jack? And how did you run to the caves and back so quickly?

CHARLIE: Well, I'm super fast! Jack's not as fast as me, so he's still back there somewhere.

CLAIRE: My tummy hurts!

CHARLIE: Oh, right, okay, now I want you to squeeze my hand and concentrate on breathing, okay Claire?

CLAIRE: Did you get that from the Lifetime channel?

CHARLIE: …Yes.

Claire has a FLASHBACK. She is with MALKIN.

CLAIRE: So let me get this straight… I don't have to keep the baby, I have to fly to Los Angeles to give it to someone there? What is with the men in my life completely changing their minds with no warning!

MALKIN: It's—

CLAIRE: And don't tell me it's a plot contrivance!

MALKIN: Oh. Well, it is.

CLAIRE: What's wrong with Australian couples, may I ask? They're not good enough for my baby?

MALKIN: No. They're not. Only this one specific couple in Los Angeles is good enough!

CLAIRE: This seems very fishy to me! Fishy, I say! Plus, the guy from the adoption agency said I shouldn't try selling babies at home.

Back on the ISLAND, CLAIRE has TOLD CHARLIE about the PSYCHIC.

CHARLIE: Gosh Claire, you sure are stupid sometimes. Clearly the psychic knew the plane would crash, you would be stuck on the island forever and therefore be forced to raise the baby yourself!

CLAIRE: Wow! I never thought of that! It's so obvious!

She has the REST of her FLASHBACK. She is still with MALKIN.

MALKIN: So, here's your ticket, and did I mention the flight leaves tomorrow?

CLAIRE: Dammit, I'm not doing it!

MALKIN: You have to, Claire! Otherwise the baby will be evil and destroy the world!

CLAIRE: Well, can't I at least get a later—?

MALKIN: NO! I mean…uh, the couple is going to be waiting for you at the airport.

CLAIRE: And you couldn't call to tell them about the new flight?

MALKIN: …No.

CLAIRE: Well, I am no longer suspicious! I'll do it!

Back on the ISLAND, SAYID is RUNNING through the JUNGLE.

SAYID: I've been running like this all day, believe it or not! Must…get away…from the whispers!

MEANWHILE…

CLAIRE: Well, my tummy doesn't hurt anymore, so I guess the baby decided not to come after all!

CHARLIE: And it was all thanks to me!

CLAIRE: Uh, sure.

CHARLIE: So will you let me follow—?

CLAIRE: No.

CHARLIE: Well, at least come back to the caves.

CLAIRE: No way! I'm going to the beach, where it's safe!

CHARLIE: Hey, I've thought of some dangerous things that happened at the beach! That one woman drowned, remember? And those boars attacked us?

CLAIRE: Well, I don't go into the ocean, so I couldn't drown, and the boars only attacked because of the bodies in the fuselage, which are now burned.

CHARLIE: Dang it, she's right. Man, the caves suck!

Meanwhile, at the CAVES, SAYID has ARRIVED.

SAYID: Hey, guys! What's up?

KATE is there because as one of the MAIN CHARACTERS, she automatically must be PRESENT when anything IMPORTANT is going to HAPPEN.

KATE: SAYID!

JACK: Grr.

SAYID: Let me be delirious and dramatic! WE'RE NOT ALONE! OTHERS!

JACK: Others?

KATE: Others?

LOCKE: Others? Oh boy!

HURLEY arrives at the CAVES.

HURLEY: Jack! Jack! I have something important to tell you!

SAYID: Hi, Hurley.

HURLEY: Jack! Jack, listen to me!

JACK: Well, I'm pretty busy here being a doctor and pouring water on Sayid's leg, but I guess I can spare you a few minutes.

HURLEY: I have something very dramatic to say! I checked the manifest, and…ETHAN WASN'T ON THE PLANE!

LOCKE: Gasp!

JACK: Gasp!

SAYID: Told ya! Others!

KATE: Who the hell's Ethan?

MEANWHILE…

CHARLIE: Screw the caves, I'm going back to the beach with you. That's where all the members of our new Jack-hate club are, anyway.

ETHAN: I am appearing out of nowhere to say hello very sinisterly!

CHARLIE: That was a very sinister hello, Ethan! I'm starting to think you might not be just a nice, normal Claire-obsessed person!

ETHAN: I'm not! I'm an evil Claire-obsessed person!

CLAIRE: Dammit! Why does this always happen to me! I freakin' hate men!

-LOST-

AN: I have no idea how this chappie ended up so long, it didn't seem that long when I was writing it. I'm not too thrilled with it, unfortunately, even though I actually really like this episode. Confidence Man, Solitary, Raised By Another, it's like a trifecta of Lost awesomeness. Too bad it's wrecked by another Jack episode. Although he does get beaten up in it, which is a plus.

I apologize for the long wait (well, longer than has become usual for this story) between updates; I was in Mexico but I got back a week ago, so I was just being lazy. And unfortunately, on Saturday I'm leaving again to go camping with some friends for a while, but hopefully I'll get All the Best Cowboys up before then. I'm quite looking forward to parodying that one, actually. :D evil grin

An announcement all Charlie fans will appreciate...from here on out, I like Charlie. In early S1 I don't particularly care for him, probably because he's tainted by S2 Charlie, but starting with Raised By Another I like him, regardless. I still hate Jack, however.

(I hope you guys don't mind getting spoilers for the 3rd season...if you do, you probably shouldn't keep reading.)

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Henry Ian Cusick is signed on as a REGULAR, so Desmond is OFFICIALLY ALIVE! Therefore, he has officially become my new 2nd-favorite character (sorry, Sawyer). In honor of this, I have added a Desmond section to my Sayid collage. (It is only loosely a Sayid collage, however, as in addition to a Desmond section it also contains a quite extensive Sawyer section, as well as the occasional picture of my favorite females Sun and Ana, and re-enactments of the deaths of Shannon and Ana using Internet screencaps and script excerpts, courtesy of the latest Lost magazine. So it's really just a general Lost collage, focus heavily on Sayid. What can I say, I have an obsessive personality. :P)

Well, I'd better sign off now and post this thing. Reviews are always appreciated.