The Annihilation of the Mary-Sue Brigade
Chapter 8

The cafeteria had been used for many purposes; from a place for the biology teacher Shou Tucker to sleep with his husband, to 'War Games'. Its great size allowed for this, as it was able to house over two hundred students when all of the table and chairs were removed. The room itself was fairly basic, with the walls a sanitary white, despite the food that were often flung in that direction. The wood laminate flooring had recently been cleaned and polished, lending the cafeteria a formal, military appeal.
Today was the first time the cafeteria had been used for a serious matter; Invidia's design and technology class felt a sudden, compelling urge to gather in the dining area without understanding why.

The class were panicking, some more so than others. Fuery, Roy thought, has no backbone. How does he expect to get into the Military this way?

Kain Fuery was currently hiding underneath one of the dinner tables- the one where Edward sat with his younger brother and their childhood friend- hugging the closest table leg and crying for his mother. His frantic crying was beginning to get on Edward's nerves, and he was sorely tempted to kick the dark-haired student for bothering him.

Yes, Edward was scared, terrified even. His encounter with Sephiroth had been cut short only by the blonde girlfriend suddenly jerking her head up and babbling about a strange, intense feeling. At the time, Edward had thought that she had spontaneously orgasmed, but now... after hearing Roy and Maes describe their encounter with a strange girl, he thought differently.

Clearly, he decided, this was one of Mary-Sue's special powers. He had witnessed his own father succumb to Vocal Fail alchemy, dying after chasing a stray butterfly outside the school building. If Mary-Sue could make that happen, when Hohenheim was allergic to butterflies...

He shuddered in fear and took a sip of his black coffee. No need to dwell on that yet, just listen to what Invidia has to say when he gets here, he told himself.

It was ten minutes before Invidia arrived in the cafeteria, looking very rumpled. He wore a look of panic as he counted each of his students before breathing a loud sigh of relief when all of the numbers added up.

'I have called for our new leaders,' Invidia announced bitterly. 'They should be arriving here soon; I pray that they will be able to help us out after this.'

'Where were you?' Riza Hawkeye asked, frowning deeply. 'We were scared for our lives.'

'I had been stalled by a young couple who claimed to be vampires. They were debating on whether or not they could eat me.'

At this, Fuery started crying harder. 'THIS IS NOT HOW I WANTED TO DIE!'

'Relax!' Invidia ordered. Fuery stopped bawling, and instead started scratching a farewell message to his mother.

A moment later, Oskar and Leo entered the cafeteria, both looking dapper in their suits, holding glasses of stirred Martinis.

'Wassup?' Oskar asked, breaking the image. Though he still wore the suit, it clashed with his neon pink hair, and he looked uncomfortable in the fabric. He scratched at his arms and complained, 'Why do we have to wear this? It's itchy...'

Leo turned his nose up. 'Yes, well you clearly have no taste in appropriate fashion. Verily, join me in my contemplation of how we shall vanquish these Maria Susans.'

Riza flinched. 'You speak like Jesus-Mickey, please stop.'

Leo frowned. 'Jesus-Mickey?'

'Ain't he the one who calls after sex and puts the toilet seat down?' Oskar asked, sitting down on one of the plastic chairs. He took a sip of his Martini and continued, 'I got all my best tips on how to treat a woman from that guy. Of course, I also looked elsewhere on the internet for help, and my pa taught me how to cook.'

Riza stood up and strode over to the seated boy. She glared down at him as he ignored her to take another sip of his Martini. 'You both are supposed to be helping us, and you're praising the Sues?'

'Absolutely disgusting,' Winry added, wrinkling her nose. Several students nodded their agreement.

Leo sat down to join his friend. 'I wish to remind you that there are several Susans who exist in your world, notably the Homunculi.'

Invidia stiffened. 'My family have done nothing wrong; we were-.'

'-Created as a result of human transmutation and just plain dickery depending on the continuity,' Oskar continued, waving his empty left hand. He took another sip, 'You're pretty much a race of Sues, so don't get me started. James Bond was a Gary-Stu, but hey! He's a pretty badass motherfucker. Barr Chuckle was a pretty funny guy until he was taken over by Mary-Sue, and hell! Even God has moments of awesomeness! It's just a shame that his followers are total idiots!'

'Although,' Leo interjected, not wanting to offend the followers, 'In their defence, all religious people were easily affected by Vocal Fail alchemy, excepting no religion. Their persistence in believing so easily what they are told opens them up to the alchemy. It is merely a symptom, as I am sure you know.'

Oskar cleared his throat. 'Well, that's different-.'

'Because you are the only person, besides myself, who could resist the alchemy? My dear friend, you are sorely mistaken. You are also, as you say, an idiot, as the only reason you worship God is because of his 'awesomeness',' Leo chastised. 'Please, try not to offend others; it only reduces your intellectual appearance.'

Oskar bowed his head. 'Sorry. Won't happen again. But my point still stands; the Sues have some good things going for them, or else they wouldn't be Sues.'

There was a faint murmur of agreement, and Riza sat back down.

'Now,' Oskar said seriously, 'I don't care what anyone says; Mary-Sue is mine to deal with. You can pick whoever you want to take down but she is mine.'

Invidia bristled. 'I'm afraid I can't allow that. I have a correspondent working from outside the Brigade, she has been ordered to take Mary-Sue out herself.'

Oskar punched his hand and stood abruptly. 'Dammit! When I say I wanna take someone down, I mean it! I don't care who your 'correspondent' is, I'm the one who's lost everything because of her! She got to my pa, I just know it! She's why my mother left us, and she knows it! I don't care what you say, she insulted me for my situation, and she caused it! I will have my revenge, and none of you can stop me!'

Invidia was silent, looking forlornly at Oskar as though understanding his true character for the first time. 'I see... I'll see what I can do, though you have to promise that if something happens to the two of you, she will take over.'

Oskar nodded, taking his seat. 'Deal.' His eyebrows were knit together tight, his attractive, but arrogant face contorted from his bout of rage as he tried to calm himself down.

'How exactly are we expected to aid you in this quest?' Leo asked, drawing the attention to him. 'What do we have to introduce that you do not have? You can perform alchemy, we cannot. I do not see nor understand what we could do you help.'

Invidia stood dramatically, pacing back and forth as he began to explain, 'It seems that the two of you have are immune to Vocal Fail alchemy. This is very important to us; you need to replicate whatever mutation caused this immunity to exist and create a vaccination for the rest of us, or at least provide samples to our biologist Shou Tucker so he can investigate. Besides that, you both personally know Mary-Sue, and have a feud with her, this is advantageous to us; it means that you are more likely to aid us.'

'So basically,' Oskar said, 'you're manipulating the both of us?'

'Pretty much.'

Oskar grinned devilishly. 'Brilliant.'

'What are we going to do?' asked one of the Bonds stiffly.

Another raised an eyebrow and stared at him critically. 'I hope you don't think that we'll be staying with them?'

'Surely not!' cried another, his Irish accent toned down but still noticeable. 'Those girls are an embarrassment! I would much rather see my body broken on the concrete floor!'

The second Bond nodded in agreement. 'I understand; this is a terrible situation to be found in.'

'Then,' said one with a distinct Scottish accent, 'how do you expect us to escape?'

A Bond, who was stood in the corner nonchalantly, stepped forwards with ease. He crossed his arms and looked at his elders with a tightened jaw. 'We're just going to leave, simple as that. We cannot allow ourselves to submit to their powers.'

'This is ridiculous!' said the Scotsman. 'We can't just walk out! That is absurd!'

'No,' said the second Bond. 'No, I see where our friend is coming from; those others haven't paid us any attention, and think about it! They're all young, and our youngest is over forty! They won't want to associate with any of us, so it will be easy to sneak out!'

'But,' the Irishman argued, 'I wanted a dramatic exit. We are Bonds after all.'

This was met with unanimous agreement. The youngest Bond, the most casual one, drew a gun and shot at one of the windows. 'Let's go!'

Following his lead, all of the Bonds ran towards the empty window space, climbing onto the ledge and jumping out of the window.

The Rumor watched this with alarm. She had not suspected that the Bonds would be among the Sues, but their hasty exit convinced her that they were not their by choice. Seeing them jump out of the window in the manner they had however... they were surely affected by Vocal Fail alchemy, likely caused by such close and prolonged exposure to Mary-Sue.

Fearful for their lives, she closed her eyes tight and told herself, 'I heard a rumour that there was a swimming pool at the Bonds' impact site.'

She was rewarded with a loud splash and sighed in relief. 'Thank God.'

Meanwhile, back in the classroom, the Sues were finally calming down from their tears, unaware of what had just taken place.