AN: Hey guys! I hope this chapter is okay. I'm not completely satisfied with the ending but I hope you all are okay with it. Thank you all so much for the support in the reviews it means so much to me. I would've definitely taken this story down if it wasn't for you guys! I love you all so much. Anyway, I hope this one doesn't make you cringe too much.
Hold Me or Leave Me
Chapter Ten
(Chloe P.O.V.)
I check my phone for the seventh time today and once again I can feel the cracks in my heart widen just a bit. It has been nearly a week and a half since I last heard from Beca. I can take getting yelled at, screamed at, cried at but the silent treatment. That cuts right to the core. The fact I haven't heard a single thing from Beca since our fight makes me worry. I know the mad has worn off and the only logical reason for her not getting back with me is because the disappointment set in. I can deal with people being mad at me but being disappointed in me. Just the thought of Beca being disappointed in me makes my stomach churn. There had been a time a few days ago I called Beca when I got off work knowing it would be lunch time for her. Thinking she had finally come around I remember getting so excited.
*Flashback*
The sound of the call connecting causes butterflies to erupt in my stomach. 'Maybe we really are okay.'
"Hello?" and just like that all my hope crashes and burns. That voice. I can feel my anger and hurt start to merge.
"Hey, is this Mason?" The sound of laughter quickly quiets down then a loud click which is only I can assume is a door.
"Yeah, hey Chloe. How are you?" My jaw sets to its own accord and I run my free hand through my hair.
"Can I talk to Beca?" There is a brief moment of silence then the clearing of a throat.
"Uhm. She's sort of tied up right now." The cracks in my heart multiply and the familiar feeling of tears stinging the back of my eyes makes it presence known. Tipping my head back I close my eyes and will the tears away. "I can get her to call you later if you want. She's been meaning to call you." I try to hold in the scoff that comes from my lips but it doesn't work.
"I'm sure." I flinch at the bite and edge in my tone that accidentally came out. "I'm sorry. Don't worry about having her call me. I'll try again later." I can hear the slight sound of Mason's voice on the phone as I pull it away from my ear. For the… I don't know how many times, I think I lost track I feel the onslaught of tears forming.
*End Flashback*
I take a deep breath and unlock my car. The day has dragged on. I hate the fact that the kids are losing their education at my expense. They deserve a teacher who has her head and heart in it. And that just isn't me right now. Folding my arms across the top of my car and rest my forehead on them. After a few seconds of quiet I get in my car and start it up. I put my purse on the passenger floorboard and head on the way home. For a Friday the roads are pretty clear of heavy traffic. The light music coming from the speakers in my car give me a break from the deafening silence that has been haunting my brain. My body has been on auto piolet all day. Doing everything absentmindedly. Smiling and laughing when the situation calls for it. Plastering a mask on my face so no one will ask why I'm not happy and smiling any more. I can't let them ask because then I'd have to tell them. Tell them that my smile and my happy is all the way across the country and I don't think I will ever get it back. That I have probably lost the one thing in this life that has proven to know me and understand me better than any other person I know.
Letting out a heavy sigh I get out of my car. I couldn't tell you how I got here or how I managed to get here with out getting into an accident, but I look up at my apartment building. Before walking into the building, I pull that mask on again to make it through the lobby. I forego checking my mail today and go right to the elevators. Thankfully, as soon as I push the up button the doors open and I step in. As they close I look away from my reflection in the big metal doors because I already know what I will see. I'd see broken blue eyes that have bags beneath them. A smile that doesn't sparkle. I wouldn't see Chloe. I'd see a shell of Chloe. When the elevator dings I look back in time to see the big doors separate. I quietly make my way back to my apartment. After unlocking the door, I hang my keys up on the small hook beside the door and kick off my heels. Not just figuratively. One lands about three feet away from me and the other skids across the floor nearly hitting the rug in the living room about nine feet away. I let out a heavy sigh that blows my bangs up in the air as I lean against my door. Just as I close my eyes a voice from inside of my apartment causes them to spring back open and my body to nearly jump in the air.
"Chloe Beale! I know I taught you better than to just sling your heels across the room." As soon as I recognize the voice my whole body relaxes and Aubrey finally makes her presence known by walking out to grab the heel in the living room. She's got on a plain dusty salmon color t-shirt, light wash jean capris and she's barefoot with toe nail polish to match the color of her shirt. One perfectly shaped eyebrow is arched up, she's got a slight smirk on her lips and her hair has big natural beach curls. The feelings of my walls finally crumbling after weeks of being built makes its presence known. Once again, I feel tears forming but for a whole different reason this time. I'd been trying to get Aubrey to come down since I got back from LA but she had been so busy with cases at her law firm she hadn't had a free moment. Her expression softens when she sees my eyes gaze over with unshed tears. "Chlo…" She's barely able to get my name out before I practically run up to her and wrap her in a hug. She loops one arm around my waist pulling me close, then she fists her free hand in my hair as a burry my face in her neck. Her hug is tight enough to feel like she's trying to force all of the broken pieces of my heart back together. I swallow the lump that had been forming in my throat and let out a shaky breath.
"I miss you Bree. So much." My voice breaks a little and Aubrey leans her head down to rest hers on mine.
"I miss you too Chlo-bug." A tear slips down my cheek but I don't bother to wipe it as I pull back.
"Well you definitely answered my question. You are not okay." She cups my cheek with the hand that had been in my hair and wipes the tear away. I give her a lopsided sad smile with a shrug of the shoulders.
"I will be." She pulls me in for a hug once more.
"Of course, you will be." She mumbles against my forehead. We separate once more and I give her a real smile.
"Not that I mind or anything but why are you here? How are you here?" Now Aubrey smiles at me.
"You gave me a key to your apartment when you bought this place." I quirk an eyebrow at her and she laughs a little. "I have a long free weekend. I don't have to be back until Tuesday. And Jesse had to go out to LA for work. I didn't want to be home alone. So, I came and saw my favorite person in the world because I know she needs someone right now and she's had to hold it together when she should've been given the chance to fall apart." It's times like this that I'm most thankful for Aubrey. She always shows up at the nick of time and she always knows the right things to say when it matters.
"Thank you." With a deep exhale Aubrey claps and looks around the apartment.
"Okay! Enough with the heavy! We are having a Chloe night! So, get changed we are going out. I'm taking you to the Georgia Aquarium then were going up to the Sky Lounge for dinner." Aubrey takes hold of my wrist and drags me in the direction of my room.
"But you hate aquariums…? The salt water smell. Touch tanks with the crabs and sting rays" When we get to my room Aubrey pushes me to sit on the bed then walks over to my closet.
"Yes, but I looked at this one on the flight down here and they have penguins and one of those moving carpet rides where you go through the tunnel. So, I'm totally looking forward to this. Plus, I already bought tickets." She shrugs her shoulders before grabbing clothes from my closet and tossing them at me.
"You are full of surprised Aubrey Posen." She gives me a smile and walks towards my door.
"You know it. Now change. I'm going to call Jesse." I give her a smile in return as she walks out. My eyes fall to the clothes on the bed beside me. Standing up I take off my clothes from work and put them in the hamper in my closet. Once again, my eyes fall on the clothes Aubrey picked out and I can't help but hum at what she picked out. Simple but still very cute. I grab the red wine colored t-shirt and put it on. Deeming it too quiet I grab my phone from where I left it on the bed and go through my Apple music. Looking for happy music I'm drawn to Sway by Danielle Bradbery. The old school guitar and rhythm works at smile on my lips. If it's going to be a good night you need good music. I start humming to the song as I pull on the dark wash skinny jeans with a rip on one knee cap then another tattered tear in between my hip and the top of my thigh. They fit like a glove and show off all of my curves. I walk over to the mirror and bite my lower lip contemplating on what else the outfit needs. I walk over to my closet and grab a brown leather belt. After tucking the front of my shirt in I feed it though my belt loops. Once I deem the outfit good I stick my phone in my back pocket with the music still playing then grab the long black tassel necklace from my vanity. When I walk into the living room Aubrey is just hanging up with Jesse and hasn't noticed my presence so I quietly make my way over to her. I quietly grab the TV remote as a microphone. Once the music hits Aubrey's ears she turns in my direction. I bring the remote to my lips and start singing with the music.
Hey
World's kinda messed up
We got no time for sitting around.
Waiting for it to let go
Let's break some rules
And figure it out.
The wide smile that breaks on Aubrey's face makes my smile grow bigger. It's funny how my mood has done a complete 180 since I walked into my apartment.
"Come on Posen. You know you can't resist…" I wiggle my eyebrows at her. Aubrey gives in and starts harmonizing with the music.
Start by kicking off your shoes
Then find something smooth
During the small pause I toss the remote on the couch and Aubrey starts swaying to the beat of the song.
Something that makes you want to
Sway to the left
Sway to the right
Get lost in the groove
That'll make you lose your mind
Put a smile on your face
Send you right into a daze
No, there ain't nothing wrong
When a song comes on
That makes you want to sway.
We fall into a fit of laughter while jumping around and swaying to the music. Memories of nights spent back at Bardon dancing in the Bella's house for hours on end enter my mind. Under that tough drill sergeant exterior Aubrey Posen can get down with the rest of us. I can't help but let my heart swell in happiness to know I have my best friend by my side for the next few days. The song comes to a close and we fall on the couch laughing. Aubrey's eyes fall on me and she smile.
"You clean up good Chloe." I nudge her shoulder with mine and she laughs again.
"Whatever." We fall into a comfortable silence for a few seconds. "So how is Jesse?" Aubrey gets up from the couch and walks over to the fridge to grab a bottle of water.
"He's good. He just checked in to his hotel. He's got a dinner meeting tonight with a director working on a movie." She takes a sip of her water then twists the top back on. "Alright! You look good. I look good. Let's get our shoes and we can head out." With a nod I get up from the couch and walk back into my room and over to my closet. I pull out a pair of tan thin braided strap Rainbow flip flops, put them on and make my way back out. Aubrey is still in the process of buckling the strap around her ankle from her sandals. I lean against the kitchen counter and wait for her.
"I've never been to Sky Lounge how do you know it's any good." Aubrey looks over at me and raises an eyebrow. When she goes to answer the question, I answer it with her.
"Google reviews." When she finishes putting on her shoes she smiles over at me and we make our way to the front door. "Precisely! Alright do you have everything you need?" I go over a mental checklist.
"Yupp all good." I grab my keys off the wall and we head out of the door.
"Great!" We walk down to my car and head to the Aquarium. Aubrey connects her phone to my Bluetooth and plays some throwback music getting in the feel good spirit. We sing and laugh the whole way. We occasionally ask questions about how things have been going. We make it to the Aquarium pretty quickly. We get our tickets and spend a good amount of time checking out the exhibits while steering clear of the touch tanks that hold the horse shoe crabs and string rays. Aubrey falls in love with the penguins. It was bound to happen because seriously, how can you resist the little cuties. We go through the underwater tunnel that holds the big fish and nurse sharks and we both are in awe. Once were out of the tunnel were brought to the giant tank that holds the whale shark and other larger animals. The second I saw my first Nemo fish swimming around that tank my mind floated towards Beca and her secret love for the movie Finding Nemo. The second she enters my mind my heart hurts just a little. My feet slow and I'm drawn to the large glass wall. The room is dark with the light of the tank being the only major source of light on this part of the large room. Since it's late in the evening the Aquarium is pretty empty, but this part is completely empty with the exception of Aubrey and I. I take a seat on the ground directly in front of the tank. The whole room is quiet with the exception of the noises coming from the rainforest exhibit on the floor above us. I watch as the whale shark makes laps around the giant pool. Watching these animals is almost therapeutic. Out of the corner of my eye I see Aubrey come and sit down beside me close enough that our thighs are touching. She takes my left hand in her right, lacing our fingers together then brings them to rest in her lap.
"How are you Chlo?" Despite knowing the context of the question, I give her the simple answer.
"Great. This place is amazing. I've lived here for a few years and I haven't even come here yet." I can feel Aubrey's eyes on me but I refuse to meet her stare.
"You know that's not what I mean sweetheart." Taking a deep breath in, I let my eyes scan the giant tank as I try to line up my thoughts. Aubrey runs her thumb across the top of my knuckles as a comforting touch.
"No. Not really. It hurts a lot." The memory of Beca crying enters my brain and I reflexively screw my eyes shut to try to push away the memory. "I messed everything up. All because I fell in love with the girl with the damaged heart. I hurt her so bad Bree. Many nights I promised I wouldn't let her push me away and this time I did. I shouldn't have boarded that plane. I should've stayed. Despite the fact being around her killed me. I should've told her the truth. She told me to leave just like everyone else does. The look on her face. It's permanently etched into my brain. When I think of her that's all I see. The stone face with blood shot eyes and set jaw. The coldness in her voice. I could literally see her walls flying back up left and right. I could see her starting to shut down and push me away. And I couldn't do anything about it because it hurt me to be there with her to have her treat me like I'm the only thing that matters to her. We were on two different wave lengths. We were so close but so far away at the same time." I open my eyes and look over at Aubrey. She has a small sad smile on her face and nothing but understanding and love in her eyes. "Maybe I was imagining it all these years. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking, I don't know. But I swear there were times where I thought she loved me too. That she…" My throat starts to tighten as I try to push back the feeling of tears. Aubrey's face blurs over as my eyes glaze with tears. "I love her so much it hurts me." My voice breaks and my lower lip start to tremble as I keep trying to suppress the tears. "I'm not a selfish person. You know that of all people. But when it comes to Beca I'm selfish because I'm not willing to give her up and I can't help it. I'm so attached and with out her in my life right now in some aspect I feel so lost. Like I can't breathe." My mouth hangs open as I think about my next thoughts and the tears that had been forming finally fall.
"Chlo…" Aubrey tugs on my wrists and I fall over to her. She wraps me in a hug and I finally let my tears fall. My body becomes wracked with sobs but Aubrey still holds me close. "I know bug. I do. But you will get through this. That big beautiful heart of yours will heal and everything will be okay. You'll be good as new. Just give her some time, she'll come around. I know she cares entirely too much for you to just leave you. Beca would be stupid to let you walk away. Maybe she just needs some time to screw her head on right. But until then you need to keep your chin up. You can make it through this Chlo." Aubrey continues to hold me until my sobs become reduced to hiccups. She pushes me back a little bit so she can see my face. She gives me a sad smile and wipes the tears from my cheeks. "Still beautiful." A small real smile falls on my lips
"You're my best friend its kind of in the BFF manual that its mandatory to compliment your friends even when they do look like poop." Aubrey cocks her head to the side and searches my face.
"True." I fake being shocked and playfully slap her shoulder. Aubrey starts laughing then she pulls me in for a hug again. "But I mean it." Just as I'm about to answer, my phone goes off in my back pocket and I pull away from Aubrey. Both of our eyebrows furrow in confusion. I light up my phone screen and I have to try to keep my eyes from rolling out of their sockets when I see the notification. "Who is Mason and why is he Snapchatting you?" I unlock my phone and open Snapchat.
"It's one of Beca's friends I met in LA." Aubrey hums as I open his snap. It's a picture of the back of Beca's head and she's sitting in the studio. The caption reads 'Get near a radio and tune into XM Channel two. You need to hear this. You've got five.' I look up at Aubrey and confusion is written on her face just like mine.
"XM like the radio?" I shrug my shoulders.
"I guess so." I exit out of Snapchat and open my Safari then go to the XM Radio website and click the tab over to Channel Two. Turning up the volume all the way I set the phone down in front of Aubrey and I. We catch the last bit of Say You Won't Let Go by James Arthur then the DJ comes on.
"Alright guys! We are back with our guest for the evening. Halsey." There is subtle clapping in the background then it goes quiet. Wasn't Beca working on Halsey's new album when I was in LA? "So, Halsey what can you tell us about this new single?"
"Well, it's about me being awful at one thing. And that one thing happens to be love. When writing this song, I went through every single relationship and what I did to fuck it up. From loving a boy from back home in Michigan to having a secret love affair with a girl. The cut of this song we are releasing with you guys today is different from the original. Though both versions will be available on the album. So, I was in the studio working on the rough cut and my producer Beca was going through some serious shit. So, I was like hey, go give it a whirl. Let it out. She went into the booth and let all of her feelings out and her voice moved me and inspired me." My eyes snap over to Aubrey who is already looking at me with wide eyes. "I told her I wanted her voice on my track. At first, she was like nah dude. But I convinced her and this song is pure magic. Hopefully, everyone can relate to this song in some sense. That's all we hope for." As the they finish they interview I look over at Aubrey.
"Is she saying that Beca is singing this song with her?" Apparently, Aubrey is just as shocked as I am because her mouth hangs open and not a single word comes out. We both sit quietly as we wait for the song to start.
"Alright guys! You're hearing it here first. We have Bad at Love by Halsey featuring Mitchell." The beat finally comes through and the recognition hits. This is what Beca, Brody, and Mason were working on a couple weeks ago.
"So, Beca is singing in this?" I look over at Aubrey who's look of shock hasn't faded.
"I guess." We sit quietly listening to the song. It's good. Great even. The flow is great. I mean after all it is Halsey. By the time the chorus hits both Aubrey and I are bobbing up and down to the beat. Then I freeze and Beca's voice filters through the speakers on my phone.
There's a girl with California eyes
And I thought she could really be the one this time
But I'll never have the chance to make her mine
Because she fell in love with music lines
She's a Georgia girl with an attitude
I'd never tell anyone, but I always thought we'd look so cute
But we both got way better things to do
I always think about her when I'm riding through.
I know there is still more to the song but my mind stops, coming to a grinding screeching halt.
"Did she just…?" I cut Aubrey off with a raised hand. By the time my mind starts to work again the chorus hits sending it into overdrive. Beca's voice carries emotion that I had no idea she held. Her voice pulls deep at my heart strings causing my emotion to swell and crash like a raging sea. If I closed my eyes I know I could see Beca standing behind a studio microphone pouring her soul into each and every word. Eyes closed letting memories flood her brain of who ever she's singing about. The song closes and my eyes are stuck to my phone screen. The next song rolls over and I can't manage to tear my eyes away. "Chloe?" Aubrey's voice snaps me back to reality and I look over at her. I know I should answer her but my brain can't seem to form words because the only thing running through it is the lyrics Beca sang in that song. My brain works over time to try to decipher them but I push away the one conclusion I keep coming to. "Chlo… it's about you." My start rapidly shaking my head.
"No. It can't be. No. Just no." I reach down and grab my phone to turn the music off. The second my fingers wrap around the phone my heart skips a beat in my chest as I see the notification. Becs: iMessage. Without a second thought I click it and I'm brought to a long blue bubble.
"Hey Chloe. I just want to apologize. I've been pretty crazy at work the past week. I should've got back with you. I promise I haven't been ignoring you. Well, at first I was then I got talked into recording a song. But that's beside the point. I shouldn't have pushed you away. I fucked up pretty bad and I'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you. You're probably busy and I know I won't hear back from you for a while. But, just know that I'm still here if you still want me to be. Call or text me. I'll get the message if I don't hear from you. I love you." I look over to Aubrey who has a look of anticipation on her face.
"It was Beca. She… she wanted to apologize for not getting back with me because she was busy." My eyebrows draw together in confusion. I lock my phone and put it face down on the ground. Sitting still starts to become too much as my heart rate starts to speed up. The song, the text it's all getting to be too much to function with right now. My body is moving before my mind tells me to and I'm up and walking towards the exit.
"Chloe?" Aubrey's voice barely goes unnoticed as my mind starts to reel. I can feel her watching me then I hear her get up and follow me. But I don't care because all I can think of is the quickest way to get to Beca. To talk to her. To tell her I'm sorry to. To tell her I love her and hope that what she song in that song is the truth.